3. Between life and rest
One amputated leg, two strokes, a car accident and a case of drunken teenagers later, my shift has finally ended.
I can barely feel my limbs.
I sweep the black liquid in my styrofoam cup. If there is one thing this hospital had, it was good coffee.
I ring Edward once I'm changed, having exchanged numbers earlier in the evening.
It only took him two beeps to answer.
"Yes?" His groggy voice came out in a question.
"Sleeping in, Doctor Cullen? What would your patients say?"
"What?", his voice raised in volume, sounding confused. It was kind of cute.
"It's Bella." I clarify, knowing the way I too would pick up phones during my sleep breaks without even checking who was calling.
"I know who it is. God, my brain is a bleedin' toad right now. Wait for me in the hallway, alright?"
"Sure thing, see you there." I hang up the phone, feeling an odd warmth seep in my body.
While waiting for Edward, I check my phone for any messages from Alec. Nothing. I worry, we haven't talked since the day he left, which was two days ago, other than a text announcing he arrived in London.
"Hey, honey, call me when you have time (preferably during the afternoon)." I text him, nails between my teeth. Both calm and longing fill me when I think about the fact that he is away this month. All of the house to myself…
Edward's hair is messier and eyes swollen when he enters the hallway, a large backpack over his shoulder. He scrunches up his face at the lightning, rubbing hands against his eyes. It's obvious I woke him up.
His lips lift in a lazy smile when I pass him the styrofoam cup. He closes his eyes as he tips up the cup, then scrunches his face and shakes his head at the bitterness.
"Thanks…" he trails off, voice thick.
"Beauty sleep?"
"Aren't you funny? I think you would like for me to bring you home with all your limbs together and not fall asleep at the wheel. You wanna end up like one of your patients?" It comes out with the tiniest bit of sharpness, something I've never expected from him.
"No, sir." I laugh, his slightly annoyed tone kind of cute.
"Let's get out of here" he says as we walk towards the garage, and I couldn't agree more with his eagerness.
He sets in a cassette that looks ancient, then pulls out of the parking lot. The night air wakes both of us up.
"That's better." He hums as he taps his fingers against the car door, relaxed against the car seat.
I'm exhausted, but for whatever kind of reason sleep evades me and I am so damn hungry. I completely forgot to bring anything to eat on the shift. I imagine the street side restaurant that sells all sorts of grill, the one that long distance drivers usually stop by. Suddenly, the thought becomes unbearable and it's like I can hear the sizzle of sausages against hot metal. My mouth waters.
"Edward?"
He hums, turning his head towards me in question.
"I know this will probably be fucked up considering our state right now, and please, please feel free to refuse…but do you think we could stop at the Bulgarian dinner on the side of the road?"
He is silent for a few seconds. Then, he throws his head back, laughing, "Jesus, Swan, I thought you wanted to ask for God knows what insidious thing from me." He smiles, shaking his head, a look that to anyone else might seem tender. "Yeah, I don't see why not, I'm kind of famished too."
"Great" I exhale, relaxed.
By the time we pull into the deserted parking lot, the sun rays are just falling from behind the mountains, the empty streets and cold air making it feel like we are the only people in the world, other than the dinner employees and truck drivers. The day is just starting out for some and ending for others. Another night has finally ended.
The sun coming out so early was my favorite thing about summer.
I walk alongside Edward, watching the concrete beneath my feet, enjoying the warmth his body is radiating.
There was a time I felt this way about Alec too. Back when he would actually walk alongside me and not always hurry up so damn much.
There was something about mostly empty parking lots that I loved. Hard concrete in the middle of a field, always there for travelers and night workers when they needed to pull in for rest. I loved long drives. I loved stopping by gas stations at ungodly hours, alone in the darkness, the bright blue lights of a shop the only sign of life. A beacon of light in the middle of nowhere, away from the chaos of the world. I became nothing but a soul in the night when I sat down in plushy couches covered in red fake leather, my body hurting from sitting inside a car for hours. I would buy chocolate and coffee, watching the cars on the highway, always racing.
Edward opens the door for me, not entering until I'm inside. I try to contain a shiver when I feel the top of my head brushing against his chin.
The warm scent of food engulfs me.
"I'm officially in heaven." I say as I look at the hot sizzling grills.
"I'm right there with you."
We pick up sausages, pork chop, bean soup and a side salad, all in beautifully painted ceramic bowls. The sturdy wooden table we sit at is right next to the window.
By now the sky is blue and yellow, and the birds are chirping. Morning hides us away in its still present shadows, the fragments of night that still haven't been chased away by the sun, and it makes me forget myself and my troubles. I huddle inside the jacket, feeling cozy in this corner, able to watch the world without being an active participant for once.
"Next time I am paying. It's only fair, you paid for the gas."
"Hmm, next time." Edward nods along, but I know he is lying just to appease me.
By the time I dig in my soup my phone lights up.
Alec: Hey, beautiful, just starting my shift. I miss you like crazy, wish you were here. I will call you when I get home. Love you!
Guilt grips me, putting a lump in my throat. I have to force myself to swallow the food. The thing is, I don't really miss him. I'm enjoying my quiet. It's like I finally have the time to exist just for myself, for my own wants, without walking on eggshells. I can finally fill my cup.
The guilt moves to my insides when I realize, partly the reason why I've been feeling so light the past few hours was Edward's presence.
"Hey…" I lift my head to see Edward gazing at me with his usual smile, "Where did you go?" He points towards his head, an open curiosity in his eyes.
"Just…I don't know. You know when you feel a type of way that you really shouldn't?" I feel like I'm trailing on mined ground. It's like I can see the mood shifting, like a soft wind suddenly blaring.
He gives me an intense look, his green eyes filled with precaution, looking like he is pondering whether he should be truthful or not.
"Yes, more than I would like too." He nods, popping a sausage in his mouth. He avoids my gaze, and it's the first time he looks like he is avoiding a subject.
And just like that, we put that conversation to sleep, for now.
"Where did you study?" I ask, trying to ease up the air.
His stance gradually relaxes, going to its usual laid-back posture, "Dublin, although, looking back, I would have probably liked a place like Cork or Limerick better. Smaller cities are generally more…effervescent for student life. God knows my high school years in my home town were crazy." he laughs as he says the last part. "Despite the political situation. Well, maybe it was because of it…" he trails off, a far away look in his eyes as he gazes out the window. I wonder what he looked like, skin tighter, no beginnings of crow's feet in corners, no smile lines, but eyes the same brilliant fire. I wonder about the things those eyes have witnessed, the losses he went through, who he is thinking of when he gets quiet.
"What were you like? In high school?"
"Honestly, not to brag or anything" I laugh at that, "but I was a pretty good kid. I had my rebellious years during middle school so by the time I got to high school I cooled down."
"I was a menace in high school", Edward raises his eyebrows at me in surprise, "well, actually, no. I had a pretty standard experience. Not much to do in Forks. Pretty much all of us were angsty, waiting to get the hell out of town to see what's out there. Some came back, others didn't." I shrug my shoulders, feeling a little awkward that there isn't much I can tell him about that period of time.
"And? Did you find what you were looking for?"
His question throws me off. I need a few moments to think before I answer.
Did I?
I have the job of my dreams. I traveled the world, I saw it through its people and places. I've seen real beauty and tragic ugliness. I've proved my parents wrong and I disappointed myself. My marriage is a broken vase and I'm still not sure, at 32, whether I'm in the right place. For years I've run away, I have pushed and searched for that something just to not feel fear or pain. I threw myself into studying and worrying to not let my mind wander in places too dark. For years, I have run away from myself.
"No. But I think it's better that way." I finally manage to answer.
His eyebrows furrow in confusion. I go on, "I need a purpose to keep myself occupied with, you know? Otherwise, my mind runs off. How did you put it? Spits out bloody nonsense?" He nods, seeming to understand where I'm coming from. His face relaxes and those eyes, always so bright, are like pools of warmth. The air is cool and the dinner is quiet and I feel at peace.
"Feel free not to answer this but…how did you and Alec meet?"
"Hmm, you are oddly curious today." I say, wondering if I want to keep the conversation going in this direction.
"I'm always curious about you." He leans his arms on the table, face coming forward, closer to mine. I can see the tendrils of bronze hair coming to rest on his skin.
I decide one more question won't hurt.
"We met during medical school. He was one year older than me, and we were working together on some sort of public education program. We spent a few days together, we collaborated nicely enough and then he asked me out."
And that was that.
A sudden realization hits me.
"Have you ever been married?" I knew for sure that he wasn't right now, Alec told me that.
"Actually, yes, a few years back. She was an old friend of mine but…it still didn't work out. Sure look, I guess." He shrugs his shoulders, drawing a pattern with his index on the wooden table.
I wonder what she was like, what she acted and looked like. I wonder how long they have been together and why they stopped. I wonder if he still thinks about her and whether the look on his face right now is acceptance or regret. Whether he wishes he could turn back time, and what he would fix if he could. All of those questions are on the tip of my tongue, but I know it would be inappropriate if I said them out loud.
"Do you have kids?" The fear in my stomach gets bigger with every word I get out. It shouldn't matter to me whether he does or not.
"Well, on that subject…" he pulls out his wallet out of his jacket, grabbing a small picture out. My heart drops to my chest due to surprise more than anything.
Two round brown eyes stare back at me, short fur black and white, long face adorable. I let out a laugh, relief filling my chest.
"So you like pit bulls."
"I love them." He smiles as he looks at the picture.
"What's his name?"
"Her name is Elsa. And she would be glad to meet you, whenever you have time." He puts the picture back in his wallet.
"Seriously, Bella, what kind of father would I have been if I didn't mention I had kids until this point?" He continues, sounding like he was just a little offended.
"Well, it's not like I know you. One moment you think you know someone and the next they prove to be a different kind of person." I shrug, aware of the way people have so many different sides to themselves. It strikes me that I've only met him the day before. The pace this is moving at scares me.
"Fair enough…" He rubs his eyes and then looks at the clock. I take that as my hint.
"You should get back to Elsa, shouldn't you?" I lift from the table, gathering my things.
"I should, but if you need anything else on the way home you tell me and we'll stop." He says as he gathers the plates, putting them in a pile.
"Nah, I'm good. The only thing I need right now is my bed."
"Same" he laughs, and it's like I can feel the lost hours in his tone. The hours spent at the hospital and the ones spent with me.
By the time we are back in the parking lot the sun is on full display. The leather seats are slightly warm and the sky is bluer. Edward's face is bathed in golden sunlight, his eyes and hair alight.
As we drive, the movement lulls me to sleep, as much as I fight to keep my eyes open. I already know I will feel stupid later for falling asleep next to a guy I barely know, the danger I'm putting myself into, but I cannot fight the exhaustion. Alec's face lurches behind my eyelids, one moment happy, the other angry. I guess the dread of our predicament will never leave me.
In those few moments between life and rest, with this strange new man by my side and the sun on my hair, I feel at peace.