Edward

I am pathetic. I don't have a more beautiful word for it. Absolutely, plain pathetic. After I just poured my heart out to the bartender, and she gave me a pity Scotch, she also steered me into the very capable hands of Irina, one of the girls who grew up here alongside me. It's the first time I've been back at the club since I got married. No, since I got engaged. And it's only the second time we've seen each other again since, face-to-face. The first time we reconnected was at a fundraiser for one of the hospitals in town. She's a hot-shot surgeon who likes to submit after dominating an OR all day. I couldn't be happier that she noticed me and hinted to the bartender that she wanted a word with me. Her being here at the same time as I am is just fate. The universe knew I needed to talk to someone like me.

"What are you even doing here? If your dad has a friend around here who recognized you, he'll rip you a new one."

I roll my eyes at Irina. Even here there's talk of the almighty Carlisle Cullen. It makes me sick to my stomach. Little hypocritical shit.

"I haven't been here in forever. If he did have guys here, they lost interest by now. Besides, if another one of his business associates decides to be a filthy snitch, I'll just make sure my father knows I got wind of them being here first. That'll put a thick, nasty cross through any sort of deal they may have." I nurse my drink as Irina gets comfortable on the Chesterfield, one of her feet tucked underneath her, heels discarded on the floor of the private room I arranged for us. "I need to talk to someone who gets it," I continue. And boy, do we talk. So long my jaw seems to hurt.

I tell Irina everything that went on in the time we were disconnected. She shoots me a mischievous grin, her fingers toying with the lock that closes her pearl choker.

"Aren't you going to say something?"

"Haven't you already made up your mind?" She laughs, shaking her head. She's the closest thing I ever had to a best friend even though we're worlds apart now.

"What?"

"I mean… You're you, Edward…If you're still the same guy, I bet you've got your mind set in stone about this. You must want something, and I know you always go for the things that you want."

How can she do that, knowing me like that after all this time? It's as if no time at all has gone by.

"Truth is…I don't know what to do."

Irina's brown eyes widen. She leans in closer, face resting in her palms. I can tell it just got interesting for her.

"Edward Cullen doesn't know what to do?" She huffs out a big breath. "Am I in some kind of alternate universe?" She sits back, sipping her martini. "Color me intrigued."

I can't help but laugh. She joins in for a second. But then she looks at me sternly, all humor vanished from her face.

"It's just you and me here, right? I'm not a sub right now, and you're definitely not my Dom, E." I nod. "So, as a friend, I must tell you that I hate your wife. I've always hated Vera. She sucked the life right out of you from the very start. What wife keeps you away from your heart's desires, from your fucking friends and social scene?" Irina shakes her head, light blonde tresses dancing around her shoulders.

I chuckle bitterly. "Vera doesn't even have a clue about my heart's desires. Or about the fact that I spent my weekends here, and all my spare time to learn and grow."

"Isn't that sad, E? And I know you probably already started resenting Vera. You can't not resent her. She's making you change who you fucking are, and she doesn't even probably know it. That's not marriage, that's just a prison."

"Is that why you're never gonna get married?"

"Oh please, I've seen actual marriages work out, Edward. Yours is just a scam set up by your snobby, hypocrite piece of shit father. It's not the real thing, by any means."

Irina's never liked my father, either. Obviously.

"What if I put my marriage on the line for this girl and it doesn't work out."

Irina shrugs. "Who the hell cares? You need out of that marriage, Edward. And if it works out with the new one, that's only a bonus." She takes another sip of her drink, then outs in a new order on the tablet in our room.

I take a deep breath that's laced with uncertainty. I know Irina's right about me needing to get the fuck out of this marriage. But I can't help but hear that fucking voice of my father when I close my eyes, pondering things over. Merde, salaud. Get out of my fucking head.

"I need details, Al. What is she like, what type of unicorn is this chick? I know you don't usually do two at a time…I wonder what it is about her that makes you break your own rules."

"Coup de foudre, I guess."

"You want to fuck her at first sight, Cullen. Don't you dare call this love," Irina snickers playfully.

"Figure of speech, of course."

"She did drop the Daddy on you, though." Irina's eyes glimmer mischievously.

"I guess I'm in that age bracket now."

"Bullshit. I know a twenty-year-old who calls her boyfriend that." She almost shoves me. "You know what it means in the community, don't downplay it to what mainstream society does." She's right, though.

"You know…" Irina starts slyly. I arch a brow at her, silently asking her for more. "If you can't be her Daddy just yet, why not start with a little sugar?"

I feel my heart starting to beat faster at her words.

"Being a sugar daddy? Really?"

"Hey, you said she's quite a bit younger than Vera…and that she's living with her mother in that house across the street… maybe the girl could use the extra cash, maybe she could move into a place of her own… a play pad, if you will. And maybe it'll give you the chance to play with her a little without actually full-on breaking all the rules, you know." I'm given a big, fat wink, the smile on Irina's face can probably power the entire club.

"I do like to play…" I can't believe I'm considering this.

"The chase will be so good for you. You're kind of off your game a little, E."

"Off my game?" My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I'm not used to that either, anymore.

"Yeah, you've been living with suburbia Barbie for far too long. She doesn't challenge you. She never did. You know that, right?"

"I do know that…" I stare over Irina's shoulder, at the maroon-and-gold wallpaper here. "She is the mother of my child, though."

"So who said you have to disrespect your wife in front of Clive?" Irina shrugs. She makes it sound so fucking easy.

"You're experienced. How the fuck can you do all the shit you do and not feel guilty?" I know Irina doesn't need the money with her job but she likes to be the sugar baby. Irina loves it. She likes the gifts and attention. She does it for the sex and the power it gives her over a rich man with a high-powered job. In Irina's eyes, most men are too stupid to see a woman on her knees is a woman who holds all the power.

"Edward, baby…I'm a single woman in her prime. I have no kids, I'm not in a committed relationship with anyone I love. I don't betray. I just take what they offer." She even has a collar she bought herself. Because no one will ever own her, except for herself. I applaud the Dom who might be able to break through her walls one day. But she never does anyone long-term.

"But I—"

"You were forced into marrying your wife because your father has fifty million sticks up his ass. If you'd married Vera for love then you wouldn't even be in this situation. You wouldn't even consider pursuing Isabella."

She's right again.

"Now, you're just too tired of fighting attraction, you're too depraved of anything you love to withstand the fire and the magnetic pull."

"I need to feel it again, Irina." I need the passion and red-hot flames eating me alive. I need the power and the connection, the ownership, the level of consent that is so strong nothing feels unlimited.

"You're a Dom. It's part of your personality. People taking that away will only make it grow stronger until you're not able to lock it up anymore."

She's right though.

My father made me lock up the monster. But he's suffocating, as if a part of me is dying. It's time I rekindle with my true self.

It's time to chase. It's time to run.