April 9, 2006
Tomorrow is Peter's trial. All of New York is officially freaking out, but no one and I mean NO ONE is freaking out more officially than Yours Truly. Ugh… I can't… do this! And Aunt May just bakes like crazy. I think it's her way of dealing with stress. I'd be getting absolutely fat if I actually had an appetite. Peter won't admit it, but I know he's terrified. I can see it in his eyes. He's actually curled up in a corner of the ceiling right now… I can't get him to come down. He still wants to get Aunt May and me out of Manhattan, but I keep refusing. Anyway, we're running out of time.
The trial is going to be a public one. They're going to walk him down Centre Street to the courthouse tomorrow before the trial, for the benefit of the stupid press and all the other screaming idiots I know are going to be there. Just to make it all worse, I guess. I don't care about protocol, I don't care what they say, I'm walking with him. No matter what.
Every important person I can possibly think of is going to be there. Peter knows a lot of them have connections with Kingpin. We couldn't find a lawyer we trusted and anyway, we'd probably go bankrupt trying to pay one. Most lawyers were too afraid to work on behalf of "public enemy number one". So Peter's going to defend himself. And I'll defend him too, you'd better believe it, with weapons, if necessary! No, I don't actually mean that. Getting myself arrested for the mass murder of an entire courtroom would hardly help our case any. Honestly, I don't even know what to do. I'm panicking. Majorly panicking.
April 10, 2006
Heaven have mercy on us. Aunt May has been shot.
Later…
This morning, Aunt May made breakfast and none of us ate it… so she cleared the dishes while Peter and I freaked out in the corner about the trial… Suddenly Peter's spider-sense kicked in and he grabbed me and threw me to the floor. The next thing I knew, there was the sound of a gunshot, and Aunt May was collapsed on the floor with blood everywhere. Peter almost lost it, and I couldn't even calm him down. It was worse than when his identity was discovered and worse than this morning before the trial. I've always been able to calm him down before. He swung her to the hospital, not wanting to wait for an ambulance. He just went straight through the window, over the heads of the guards and the police car that was waiting to take us to the trial. In face of the emergency, they didn't get him in trouble for breaking the house arrest and they've postponed the trial. So he's still sitting in the waiting room. Under guard, of course. The police guard took me to the hospital when it first happened, after I explained. I had to come home to get some things together and thought I might as well write for a couple of minutes to collect my thoughts.
April 11, 2006
Aunt May woke up for a little bit last night. Peter and I were both in her room. They tried to get him to leave last night but he webbed his chair to the floor and they couldn't move him. So I guess they've just moved "house arrest" to "hospital room arrest". She smiled when she saw us and held out her hands so we both went to her and held on to her. She told us "Be strong. I know you'll make it through this, if you hold on to each other. Love each other and be happy." She paused a moment and there were tears in her eyes. I was crying too, but Peter was just staring at her. And then she said, "I love you both, so very, very much."
She's been sleeping ever since then. Peter is not acting like himself at all. I've never seen such a look in his eyes… so vacant and haunted. It frightens me to the very depths of my soul. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to get him to speak to me, but he wouldn't. He just stared in that horrible way.
April 12, 2006
Dear God, help us! Aunt May is dying. The doctors have said she has almost no brain activity now and she's slipping away. And we can barely scrape together the money that we need for the right operations. The doctors hardly even have hope with the operations. They say there's almost nothing they can do. We're supposed to prepare ourselves. But I… I can't do that. I don't want to lose her. We need her. Both of us. But Peter needs her even more than I do. She's the only mother he's ever known.
He blames himself for what happened, since he knows that bullet was meant for him. It was one of the Kingpin's men. Peter would tear himself apart, if it would do anything to help Aunt May. Heck, he's already tearing himself apart. Mentally and emotionally. It hurts so much to see him this way. So much. And there's nothing I can do.
April 13, 2006
Last night, Peter snuck out… found the Kingpin and beat him nearly to the point of death. He told me that he only killed him ninety percent. Peter's never done anything like that. Not even to those guys that tried to kidnap me.
He got in major trouble for leaving without permission. Now they've handcuffed him to a chair in Aunt May's room and we're basically just living here. They'd take us back to the apartment, but Peter just completely refuses to move. They've found out that, even though they've made handcuffs strong enough to hold him, they can't actually take him anywhere unless he lets them.
April 14, 2006
Peter decided that the best option for us was to go into hiding. There's nothing we can do for Aunt May right now and everything is getting just too ridiculously terrifying. And mostly, we're both just tired of being pushed around and having our life torn down around us. We got a chance today. When they let Peter free for a little while today, he and I left through the window. I'm at home now, at our own apartment, and nobody knows we made it here, because Peter got rid of the ankle bracelet and they can't track him anymore. Peter's out right now… I think he's trying to solidify evidence on Kingpin. We've both decided that his career as Spider-Man… at least as a public figure in Manhattan… is over. But he is intent on bringing Kingpin down as his final action. All that has to be done is a little bit of connection… proving that the businessman, philanthropist, and public figure Wilson Fisk is, in reality, the Kingpin, crime boss, maffia ringleader, domestic terrorist, trafficker of not only drugs, but humans. The most evil man I have ever even heard of.
Peter will be keeping close watch on Aunt May and if she survives, we'll get her out of there and skip the country. But we're terribly afraid that she won't make it. She's… too weak. I don't know how either of us are going to handle losing her.
April 15, 2006
Peter did it. Last night, he was able to gather the last bit of evidence he needed and dropped it off at FBI headquarters. He did it publicly, as Spider-Man, and hundreds of people saw him and know that he did it. He's not sure if that was exactly the best move or not, since Spider-Man has become so majorly infamous in the past month or so… but he said he wanted them to know what happened and why he did what he did. He said it was a sort of farewell to the city… "Spider-Man's last stand" or whatever he called it… even though they don't know it. New York will never be seeing their masked vigilante again. And I hope they suffer terribly without him. I hope the entire city (at least the half that currently hates him) is plagued by villains and criminals forever. Then they'll eat their words so fast they'll have indigestion. And I don't care. They should've thought of that before they ran their hero out. We're getting out soon, and good riddance.
Later…
I can't believe this. I can NOT believe this. I. CAN. NOT. BELIEVE. THIS. Dear God, dear God in heaven, have mercy on us! Peter was approached by a monster today who offered him a deal that must have been formulated in the pit of hell. No, not a monster. A demon. Perhaps the very devil himself. Mephisto, he calls himself. Peter knows him… they've had battles before. He offered to save Aunt May's life in exchange for something…
…our marriage.
We have twenty-four hours to decide. If we choose to stay together, Aunt May will die. And if we choose to save her life, he will erase every memory of our lives together and make it as if we never loved each other. All except for some unconscious piece of our souls deep inside of ourselves that would be in agony and pain forever. I can't imagine a more terrible prospect. Not if I combined the nightmares of a thousand years. It's not even an option. Is it?
Peter's out now, trying to pull every last string he can think of to find another way. But if he can't…
I'm just not going to think about it. I'm going to sit here and pray and cry and… I don't know. Tear my hair out, I guess. Cripple myself pacing in circles. Fill up the rest of this stupid diary with desperate jumbles of nothingness. My handwriting is already getting so messy and there are so many tearstains on this stupid page that I can't even see anything I've written.
Later…
I'm desperately hoping Peter will be back soon because we only have fifteen hours left. I've been praying constantly, wrestling with myself. I'm afraid. I don't know what to say. I can't lose Peter. I can't. Dear God, I CAN'T! WHY would I even CONSIDER such an option?! It's not even an option, it's an obvious choice! I need him, I need him, I NEED him… more than anything else on the face of the earth. I love him so much. So much. He's a part of me. Losing him would be like tearing myself in half and kicking the bleeding remains out to die. I couldn't survive without him. I'm terrified. Terrified to spend my life alone. And yet, terrified to let Aunt May die. And here's one more thing. This is the main part of this deal that keeps me thinking about it. If we accept his deal, everyone will forget Peter's identity. It seems like it's the only way to keep all of us safe. Everything will be like it was before. Except we… won't be together. Ever again. And I can't bear it! I JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT!
But whatever happens, this one thing I know.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that Peter and I were always meant to be together. Whatever this monster throws at us, whatever he does, whatever he undoes, it doesn't matter. Because whatever he does to pull us apart would have to be bigger and stronger than what brought us together and kept us together, no matter what happened. And there's no power in the universe big enough for a job like that. If we decide to accept this offer, we'll somehow find each other again, and we'll be together again. I know we will, and I'm always right about these things, right?*
Peter is back.
Mary Jane Parker, I want you to always know and always remember that, no matter what happens, I love you more than life itself. You're the dearest thing on earth to me. My life, my hope, my strength, my heart. I don't know if these words will survive if we choose to accept the offer, but I'm writing them anyway, pouring them from my heart. He can erase my memories, but never my love for you. No matter what happens, I will always love you, with my whole heart and soul. And I will find you again. I promise.