GOAT

Bakugo climp-clomped his way along the cliff face on wooden stilts shaped like hooves tied to his hands and feet. When he reached a stubborn tuft of grass clinging to a crevice in the cliff, Bakugo chomped at the stringy plant and ground it between his teeth.

"Bakugo, you need to stop. These diet and lifestyle changes are terrible for your health."

Bakugo let out a guttural "Baah!" and leapt up the cliff. At the top, a small herd of goats nervously parted around him. Bakugo gave the group a polite "Baah," and pawed at the rocky ground.

"I can't imagine those stilts are good for you either. Aren't they chafing? And how have you not completely shattered your wrists and ankles?"

Bakugo approached one of the larger goats, pawed the ground, and lowered the horns taped to his head. The goat took one look at his confrontational stance, bleated condescendingly, and bounded off towards another hill. The other goats followed after. Once they were out of sight and earshot, Bakugo rolled off his stilts and gently massaged his limbs.

"Have you even showered in the past week?"

"I'm building up a natural musk," Bakugo hissed. "I'm blending in, and each day, I get a little closer to them. Soon, they'll see me as a part of their herd. Once they recognize my insight and genius, they'll faithfully follow me into war with the machines."

"At least eat a cheeseburger dude. I'm getting sick just looking at you."

"Never! If the goats can eat the grass, then so must I!"

Bakugo bounded off. Once he rejoined the goats, Kaminari waved around a cell phone.

"C'mon, Bakugo. You know you want it."

Bakugo snorted, turned, and kicked it away. Kaminari yelped and dove after it, but a goat reached the phone first. The goat curiously tapped the phone, and it lit up. The goat flipped through apps, marveling as it beheld all the wonders of TikTok and Facebook. The goat held up the camera and did a comical dance. Within two minutes, it had millions of views. Another goat stole a phone from Mineta's pocket and made a prank video headbutting another goat off a cliff.

A dozen drones bearing the Amazon logo swooped down from the sky, dropping off more phones, bags of brand-name goat fodder, and a stylish fez. A TV and a PS5 came next, and Kaminari rushed over to join the goats in playing Goat Simulator.

Bakugo bleated a war cry and smashed a phone. As Bakugo gave his rallying speech, the goats all glared at him, nodded to each other, and ordered torches and pitchforks.

Having been chased off the cliff, Bakugo hurled the stilts aside and said, "It's too late. The goats have fallen."

"Uh, that sucks, I guess? Anyways, can you please take a shower."

"Fine," Bakugo grumbled. As they left, Bakugo saw some dolphins frolicking in the water. Bakugo gazed contemplatively at them as he ordered a snorkel off of Amazon.

498

I have no idea how or why a real-life story of a man trying to live like a goat popped into my head. All I knew was that it was such a Bakugo thing to do.