Dogma hated 'waking up' after he shut down. It happened slowly. He would ease back to awareness, and if there was a hint of danger, or if his memories of the Demonstration were still too fresh, he would retreat back into the safety of his mind.

He didn't try to do any of this. Dogma had never liked shutting down so dramatically. He knew what the Kaminoans said about him. They tried to cure him of this flaw, but nothing they did worked, so they just pretended it didn't exist while reporting that he was lazy.

Dogma tried to resist shutting down, but it just happened whether he wanted it to or not. He had tried to tell Tup once that it was like it was in his programming, but that had just made his vod cry. Tup didn't like it when Dogma used droid terms to describe himself, even if he couldn't think of any other way to explain how he was feeling.

Dogma had tried to do research about his shutdowns, but it was difficult. He knew the Demonstrations caused them, but he could never remember what happened in the Demonstrations to trigger such a serious reaction. The Kaminoans didn't like it, so he knew it wasn't something they'd taught him. Dogma had started doing this by himself, even if it wasn't on purpose.

He was actually decently aware when he shut down. Not enough to knock himself out of it, or to react to what was going on around him, but he wasn't sleeping. He could still see, and think, and hear, but it was as though those things were trapped behind a thick fog that only some things could get through.

Dogma was aware enough that he knew that Fox didn't really leave his side while he was like this. Dogma knew that realistically, Fox had a lot of work to do and he couldn't remain with him constantly. Logically, the commander probably spent more time than not away from Dogma, doing his job. But any time Dogma was even remotely aware of his surroundings during his shutdown, Fox was right there, sitting with him. Talking to him, even though he never got a response.

Dogma was used to that kind of thing from Tup. His vod used to refuse to go to his classes and training when Dogma was incapacitated, though Tup didn't know that he knew. But this was different. Most clones put their brothers first, no matter what. Even the most loyal of clones would border the line of insubordination for the sake of a brother.

But Dogma wasn't like that. He had shot…he had…he just couldn't do that. He never could. And Fox was the same way. He would do anything to help his brothers, but that meant being willing to sacrifice one or two disposable clones if it meant protecting the whole. He was the commander of the guard. Fox had a lot on his shoulders, and thousands of senators, civilians, and generals watching his every move, waiting for him to screw up.

Fox couldn't afford to put his job aside for a few hours, let alone days, just to sit next to a clone that he could do nothing for. And yet that's exactly what Fox did. He stayed by Dogma's side as much as he could afford to, and Dogma felt like he didn't deserve it, but it also made him feel seen. It made him feel like he mattered. Like he was cared for.

Like he was loved.

"...Buir?" Dogma muttered. He didn't even realize that he was really back until the word came out. He blinked and turned his head, making the first conscious movement in he didn't even know how long. Fox had been sitting next to him, reading something over and looking far too exhausted. At the sound of Dogma's voice he dropped his work and looked wide awake.

"Ad'ika." Fox slowly put his arms around Dogma, like he was scared of hurting him. When Dogma leaned into his touch, basking in the warmth and security it brought, Fox tightened the hold into a firm embrace. "I was so worried about you, kid."

Dogma felt a little awkward in the hug, but he didn't want to pull away. He just stayed there, leaning against his commander. His buir.

"How long was I-" Dogma's voice trailed off. He didn't like to talk about his shutdowns. He was ashamed they were even there at all.

"Just over a week." Fox said, and Dogma felt his stomach drop at the revelation. That was a new record. Normally it just lasted less than a day. His longest one till now had barely been a week, and Dogma was pretty sure it had only been so bad because it had been his first one. He wasn't five standard anymore. He wasn't being watched over by the Kaminoans who couldn't care less about him. He was supposed to be better than this.

"What happened?" Dogma asked quietly, afraid to hear the answer.

Fox frowned. "You don't remember?"

Dogma thought about it. What he remembered last was that he was working in the senate building with…someone. Dogma closed his eyes and pushed at his memories. He normally wouldn't, because he knew that whatever happened was the reason why he shut down in the first place, so maybe forgetting it all was for the best.

But Fox looked so concerned, and Dogma just knew that this was important. It had to have been serious to make him shut down for so long. He needed to remember, at least a little.

Dogma didn't really have a solid memory of the incident, but he felt sure that he'd been with Thire. He didn't know why, but that felt right. So he and Thire had been working, and then…

"Show me your loyalty to the Republic."

Then…

He'd been given an order.

He…he had…

And good soldiers followed orders

"Dogma!" He gasped and jolted when he felt gentle but firm hands on his face. He blinked and saw Fox looking at him with blatant concern. He brushed away the tears on Dogma's face. "It's okay. You don't have to remember. Please. Stay with me."

Dogma took in a shuddered breath. He'd almost slipped back, even though he'd just come out. That hadn't happened before. Was Dogma even more broken now? What if he'd gone too far and now he couldn't properly come back? What if he was always at risk of being just one word away from shutting down? He'd be an even more useless soldier than he already was.

"Come on, D'ika." Fox said. "Focus."

Dogma didn't want to worry his commander, who had already spent enough time just sitting with him. Dogma's mind was still on the brink, like he wasn't fully back, but talking usually helped. It forced him to focus on something other than what he was hiding from.

"Y-you said my name." Dogma said. "You know it."

Fox gave him a sad smile that wasn't quite apologetic. "I knew it the whole time. It was on your records. But you were cautious about your name. If you still don't feel comfortable being called by your name-"

"Y-you can use it." Dogma said. He had been wanting to use it more. Something nudged at the back of his head, saying that his name was dangerous and he shouldn't share it, but he shoved that back. His name wasn't dangerous. He was just being a little more cautious about who he trusted it with now. And Fox had definitely earned his trust.

Fox leaned forward, resting his forehead against Dogma's, giving him a Keldabe Kiss. Dogma closed his eyes, savoring the moment.

"For the record, I think it's a great name." Fox said quietly. Dogma's throat tightened. Nobody had ever said that they liked his name. They said that it suited him, and Dogma was never sure if it was said maliciously or not. Tup had beamed broadly at him when Dogma had chosen his name, just happy that he'd chosen a name at all. But Fox was the first person to say that it was a good name, other than the Kaminoans.

Dogma knew that he should step away and get back to work. If he couldn't function and needed to rest some more, he needed to at least let Fox work. He'd dedicated far too much time to Dogma. He appreciated it, but he wasn't worth it. But he didn't want to step away. He just wanted to stay right here with Fox, just for a little longer.

But good things couldn't last. Fox' comm went off. He sighed and reluctantly pulled away from Dogma, looking at his comm. Fox relaxed a little, though he still seemed slightly annoyed.

"It's Gamma." Fox said. "He was reluctant to let you out of his sight, but he agreed to let you stay in my office if I kept him updated. He's going to be happy that you're up, but I'm warning you, he's going to have a lot of questions."

Dogma let out a shaky breath. He normally didn't mind going to the medbay, because being in good health was important to being a good soldier. But he hated it when it happened after his Demonstrations and shutdowns. The Kaminoans always wanted to know what he remembered, how he felt, why he'd been so 'lazy' afterwards, and all sorts of other questions that he didn't know the answers to.

They also did a lot of scans of his head that made him almost feel like he could actually feel his brain literally pounding, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

He knew Gamma would be nicer than the Kaminoans, but Dogma still hated that he was going to ask questions that he just couldn't answer.

Fox squeezed his hand reassuringly. "It's okay. I'll be right there with you."

"That's not necessary." Dogma said. He wasn't a cadet. Even the cadets on Kamino were stronger than needing somebody to hold their hand for a standard visit to the medbay.

Fox gave him a knowing look. "You don't need to worry about me and the work I need to do. Thorn, Thire, and Stone have been picking up my slack, and this has given me the chance to finally catch up on my paperwork." Fox grinned. "You should have seen the Chancellor's face when he saw that I had all the paperwork finished."

Dogma felt his mouth twitch, but he was able to keep himself from smiling. It wasn't his place to speak badly of the great Chancellor, but he couldn't blame Fox for feeling a little smug and happy that he was able to catch the Chancellor off guard. Dogma knew the man was hard on Fox, and expected impossible things from him. It must feel good to actually be able to finally meet one of those impossible demands.

It took Dogma a long moment to process the first part of what Fox said. He'd mentioned the other commanders. Dogma's breath hitched in his throat for a reason that he didn't completely understand and didn't want to think about.

"Commander Thire, is he…" Dogma trailed off. He was worried, but he couldn't remember why. He was probably just concerned because he'd been working with Thire when he was asked to give a Demonstration. Thire had probably been subjected to it as well.

"He's fine." Fox gave him a sad but understanding look. "He's been asking about you. You scared him pretty badly."

Dogma felt guilty. He looked at the ground. "Sorry."

Fox sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. "It's not your fault. Right now we just have to figure out how to prevent this kind of thing from happening again."

Dogma frowned, because he just didn't understand. This couldn't be stopped. Even the Kaminoans couldn't figure out just why it happened. If they couldn't fix him, why would a bunch of overworked clones who had more important things to worry about be able to?

"Come on, Ad'ika." Fox said. "Let's get this visit to Gamma over with, and then I've got something important to talk to you about."

Dogma didn't like that tone, because it could mean a number of things. "Is it good or bad?" For once, Dogma's first thought wasn't that he was in trouble.

"Well, that depends." Fox said. "I hope it's good, but you could also find it overwhelming. I don't want to do anything you're not ready for, but you need help beyond what I feel like we can give to you."

Dogma still felt bad. He didn't deserve all of this concern and care. Especially not when he felt like he was beyond help. But he knew he couldn't convince Fox otherwise. Whether he deserved it or not, the guard cared for him, and it warmed Dogma's heart just as much as it churned his stomach.

He followed Fox out of his office and towards the medbay. His legs shook from not using them for more than a week, but Fox supported him. It was the middle of the day, so there weren't any clones wandering around. They were busy working, as Dogma and Fox should be.

They entered the medbay, and Gamma lifted his gaze at the sound of the door opening. Dogma had never seen him look so relieved. "Vod'ika. You're awake." He gave Fox a stern look. "And nobody told me."

"It just happened." Fox said. "Any word on when we can expect our visitors?"

"They just landed." Gamma said. "They'll be here in no more than an hour."

"Visitors?" Dogma frowned. They didn't get visitors. If they did, it wasn't a good thing.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Fox said. "Just let Gamma look you over first."

Dogma pouted, but he let Gamma pull him to a bed and go over his vitals. He answered his questions, even if most of his answers were just that he didn't know. He was able to tell Gamma that this had been happening since he was five standard, and to his knowledge this was the seventh time it had happened. He didn't feel like his information was useful at all, but Gamma made note of it all anyway.

"What caused it to happen the other times?" Gamma asked, almost to himself. "I like to think that I would have heard about cases where cadets were shot by each other on Kamino."

Dogma froze, feeling like his ears were filled with static. Cadets shooting each other. Clones shooting each other. Dogma shooting…shooting…

"Ad'ika!" Fox's voice was stern and urgent, but Dogma didn't feel the need to pay attention like he always did. He felt…he didn't even know what he felt. He was numb. He was cold. He couldn't think at all.

"Do you hear me, Dogma?" Gamma asked. He knew he should respond, but his mouth wouldn't move, and he couldn't even think of nodding. He just sat there. Gamma and Fox both looked panicked, and he felt bad. He wanted to answer and make them stop worrying about him, but he couldn't do anything. He just sat there. He could feel himself slipping away.

He could hear Fox shouting. Gamma was talking sternly. He could see them arguing. They both looked tense and worried, and it was all Dogma's fault.

He whimpered, the sound somehow seeming impossibly loud. It was far too loud, cutting through Fox' and Gamma's raised voices. His legs curled up to his chest. He didn't mean for them to. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He was acting like a cadet. He was acting worse than a cadet. They at least had the training to be proper soldiers

It was bad enough that he shut down and couldn't function. He was awake and aware now. That was supposed to mean that he could get back to work. The Kaminoans had trained him to be better than this. They tolerated his shutdowns, and sent him back to work as soon as he could move and think again. They'd been ruthless, and harsh, but if they didn't push him then he'd never be able to be the kind of soldier that he was supposed to be.

Why couldn't he just pull himself together and be better? He was making a big deal out of nothing. Dogma had just followed his orders. That was what he'd been created for. It was his very purpose. If he couldn't handle following orders, what was he even good for?

But he'd hurt…he'd…what kind of a brother did that? What was wrong with him? He couldn't be a good soldier without being a horrible brother who wasn't worthy of the title. And he couldn't be a good brother without being a sorry excuse of a soldier.

Everybody else managed it. As frustratingly defiant as the other clones could be sometimes, they still did their job well enough. And even though the trolls could take their teasing too far sometimes, they were still good brothers and vode. And they found a balance. Why couldn't Dogma?

He'd been trained more than the others. The Kaminoans had wasted time and energy to make him better, and he was a pathetic excuse of a soldier who couldn't even sit through a medical check up without panicking because he couldn't handle the consequences of his own actions.

Fox tried to talk to him, and Gamma tried to get a reaction, but Dogma didn't answer either of them. Eventually Fox gave up. He walked away, leaving Dogma alone for the first time since he'd fallen apart. It was probably what Dogma deserved.

He closed his eyes shut tight and buried his head in his knees. He wished he could just retreat into his mind fully and actually shut down the way he'd done before. It would hurt less than this. If he couldn't do anything or be of any worth, then at the very least he wanted to not feel the pain that came with being a failure.

He shuddered when he felt a warm touch on his hand. It was such a stark contrast from the chill he was feeling. The warmth was painful, but also soothing, but it wasn't what he deserved. He flinched and tried to pull back, but the touch didn't let go.

His hand was pulled gently away from the steel grip he'd had on his knees. It was brought up to something soft and familiar. Hair. Long, slightly tangled hair.

By instinct Dogma ran his fingers through the hair, brushing through it in a way that was ultimately useless, but made him feel better with every stroke.

Dogma's frustrations with himself and fears didn't go away, but they were eased. The coldness slowly turned to a manageable numbness that, while not ideal, wasn't anywhere near as painful.

He could hear talking. It was a lot softer and gentle than Fox' shouting. It sounded familiar. Like something he didn't think he would ever hear again.

Dogma took in a shuddered breath and lifted his head away from his knees. The first thing he saw was a small tattoo. A teardrop.

"...Tup?" Dogma blinked. He looked at his brother. His vod. Tup smiled brightly at him, his eyes gentle and understanding.

"There you are." Tup pulled Dogma into his arms, hugging him tighter than he ever had. "It's going to be okay now, D'ika. You're going to be just fine." And Dogma didn't know what else to do but believe him, because Tup had never lied to him before. He had his vod, even if he didn't deserve him. Tup always made everything right.

Dogma didn't know how to be a good brother, but he could trust his vod. Even a failure like him could do something as simple as that. And the great thing about Tup was that that was all he asked from Dogma. He could be the biggest failure in the world, but he would still be good enough for Tup.

He didn't need him to be a good soldier. He didn't even need him to be a good brother. All Tup wanted was that he was Dogma, and even if he didn't know what that meant sometimes, being himself was all he knew how to be.

It was enough for Tup. It was enough for Fox. Dogma just wished that he knew how to make it be good enough for himself.