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TEN
When I first woke up on Thursday morning, for just a second, I thought it was all a bad dream.
I thought that I'd never woken up Monday or skipped school, never ridden out and encountered Karen and Aftran in the woods. That everything in the past few days was a dream. That this was Monday, and I'd killed a hork-bajir the night before. That I'd just left the animorphs.
And then I realized I couldn't get out of bed. That I hadn't opened my eyes.
«Good morning, Cassie.» Aftran said. «I'll take control today.»
I said nothing as she sat me up. I felt no shock. Just numbness. Resignation. I'd had no idea what I had, being in control of my own body. I'd never take it for granted again.
Aftran had me dressed and headed downstairs in ten minutes. It was early, but my mom had left for work hours ago to treat some sick emus. She'd left just a couple hours after my conversation with Ax and Tobias in the barn.
My dad had waffles on the table when Aftran walked into the kitchen. Big belgian-style ones, with whipped cream and bananas. It smelled like syrup and batter and fried bananas, the waffle iron still sizzling unplugged on the counter.
I felt incredibly uneasy. The thought of Aftran interacting with my dad, pretending to be me… It felt wrong. Violating. It was bad enough that she'd done it yesterday.
«I—» was going to tell her I wanted to be the one to do this, but she was already unfreezing control.
«Forgot,» Aftran said shortly. I was glad she came to a stop first, because it was disorienting to suddenly be able to move, speak, breathe on my own.
"You okay?" My dad asked.
«You startled,» she said, and went silent. I tried not to think about how messed up this entire situation was. I tried to just ignore that Aftran was sitting there watching me in my own house.
"Yeah." I said. "I'm fine." I was in no way at all fine. "Thanks for this."
"I'm glad you're home and okay." He said, smiling at me. He's never like this; I'm lucky, I guess. I never need my parents to tell me they love me or care about me, even though they do. It's already obvious.
I walked to the table, sat down. Grabbed the plate that was out and started serving myself waffles. He took the plate from me and served up fruit and syrup with whipped cream. Handed it back.
It was so soothing to be home. To do this. My throat went tight with gratitude. A second later, with disgust and outrage: I should not be grateful for this. I should not be grateful to sit here and eat breakfast with my dad, cherishing that I got to be the one to talk to him. I should not—
Later. This was a freakout for later.
I took a breath, set my feelings about this aside. I could be upset later. I could be happy I could interact with my dad now.
The waffles were delicious.
My dad was more touchy-feely than he usually was. More involved. He asked me if I was okay six separate times. I guess the stress and exhaustion were showing. I had to tell him I didn't want to talk about being 'lost' in the woods. I didn't know how to talk about it. I didn't want to lie; it felt callous.
He rinsed our dishes after a leisurely half-hour and left for the barn to work. My body stood up from the table without my input and headed for the couch. Sat there. Watched TV. Laid down, after a while.
She watched morning shows and trashy soaps. For hours. Flipping through the channels to more talk shows at the commercials. I tried to stop paying attention twenty minutes in just to save my sanity.
I couldn't tell if she was making some kind of twisted point to me about who was in charge as the hours passed… or if she was actually involved in the plotlines. I could feel myself getting dumber just from having it on and my eyes pointed at it.
It felt weird to be here, in my own home, with her watching everything I thought. It had been somehow different when I was out in the woods with her, when she had forced me to the yeerk pool.
It felt more personal now. More real. Maybe the reality of what I'd done was just really sinking in for me.
«What you've done is attempt to realize an entirely new level of host cooperation.» Aftran commented. My stomach twisted unpleasantly. «And you've succeeded in convincing me to go along with this absurdity.» She paused, wry. «You're truly luckier than you know.»
«Please don't.» I said. She went silent.
It was... Unexpected, watching her stretch my body out on the couch and veg out to trash daytime tv. I didn't know what I thought she'd do with control, but it wasn't this.
«It's 2pm,» I said into the silence a few minutes later, fed up. «I know the sofa's really nice, but Days of Our Lives is terrible. It's beautiful outside. Probably one of the last nice days this year. And I do still have barn chores today.»
Her interest was vague, lazy. Indulgent. «Fine.» She flipped through my memories of the fields and meadows, selected one on the opposite side from where I'd first encountered her in Karen. She pushed me up slowly, stretched, sauntered over towards the mudroom and the back door.
Ten minutes later I was in the middle of a small uneven meadow on the edge of the farm. My house and the barn were small in the distance.
It was quiet, peaceful. I could smell the grass as Aftran laid there and looked up at the clouds. It was nice to just drift and do something so simple. Not let myself worry for a while. I felt like I was breaking under the stress of everything, lately.
«A phenomenal planet.» She said quietly as I tried to look for shapes in the clouds. «I am… less than thrilled at what the Empire will do to it.»
«That's only if they win.» I pointed out. «The andalites might show up.»
Aftran said nothing. Her silence was heavy, foreboding, loaded. I knew there was something there, something she wasn't saying.
I thought about pursuing it. Decided I didn't have the energy today.
We'd barely spoken since last night. She was passing me control whenever my parents were around and using my body as her own when they weren't. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about any of it. I could move, talk, live— if she let me.
It was a long way from peace.
I was uncomfortable. I was grateful. I was furious and nauseated. I was tired. Bone-weary tired.
A hawk crossed the sky. It was fully intentional on Tobias's part; he could see me from over half a mile away, there was no need to cut right across my line of sight.
I thought about talking to him last night. I appreciated not being kidnapped yet by my friends — former friends? — for being a controller. I knew they'd had meetings about it by now, made plans on what to do.
I would've, if it hadn't been me who was infested. I knew Aftran was concerned about it. She didn't always close off all her thoughts when she planned.
I shuddered. The motion came through my body subdued and barely visible. I was a controller. That was a weird thing to even think. Ugh. It was still too new. Ugh. Ugh.
Aftran was quiet. Watchful. She stared my eyes up at the sky.
I had no idea what I was going to say to my friends — former friends — when the time finally came to explain. Last night had not been encouraging. How could I justify putting them all in this kind of danger? I still wasn't sure I even really believed peaceful coexistence was possible.
«I've been incredibly kind and patient from the start.» Aftran said quietly. «I've made substantial additional concessions. I've given you control when you want it.» I flinched, barely.
«Please… don't.» I did not like that. She knew that.
She went back to silence. I appreciated it.
Appreciated it! Appreciated that she was choosing to patronize me enough to respect my wishes, choosing to allow me what I asked. Because that's what this was; Aftran faking sharing control with me. Playing pretend in this messed-up little illusion where we both acted like I had any choice or equality at all.
At any time, at any moment, she could lock me out. She could crush me down into a crevice of my mind. Immediately take over. I would have no warning, no ability to fight back.
Aftran said nothing. I felt her attention, her apprehension, her appraisal, felt her close in my thoughts for a moment, present and heavy, and then abruptly distant again.
For a long while, we both just silently watched the sky.
Eventually, I said «Chores,» and got up. My back was getting cold.