CHAPTER 23
Two more weeks. That's how long they estimated it would take to travel the nearly 200 miles to Sweetwater. "In this?" Louise asked, skeptically.
Teaspoon beamed. "Yep, the prairie schooner. It won't be too bad since we don't have much to carry."
"Schooner, like a sailboat?" She peaked inside the covered wagon. It didn't look much like the sailboat she had been accustomed to.
Cara stood behind Lou, looking over her shoulder. "Looks more comfortable than the ship I came here on."
"It won't be that bad," Jimmy assured them. "Like Teaspoon said, we're light and we have five good horses."
This was all true. Louise had scaled down her luggage from three chests to two, and there was no need to pack furniture and farm equipment. Instead they carried the necessities - food, water, toiletries, spare parts and tools for making repairs and for cooking, as well as makeshift mattresses and plenty of thick blankets. They did their best to pad the wagon so that the women would be able to ride in minimal discomfort. The bedding had been arranged to make a cozy seating area at the back of the wagon, closest to the drivers. Luggage and supplies were secured at the sides, leaving an aisle down the middle.
Before she stepped into the wagon, Jimmy helped Louise strap on a gun belt and once again gave her his second colt. "Do you think I'll need it?"
"Hopefully not, but better safe than sorry." He lifted her into the wagon and helped Cara and Rachel up behind her.
Teaspoon sat on the box seat and drove the wagon with two horses while Jimmy and Buck rode ahead and Jake followed behind on his mount. He was happy to have the notoriously ruthless bounty hunter riding with them. The trail was well traveled and less treacherous than the Pony Express routes they used to run. But their cargo was far more precious than any mail they ever delivered.
The first day of their journey passed smoothly and, with their strong and well-rested horses, they'd covered a lot of ground. Jimmy knew their ability to carry on like this would depend on keeping the horses in good condition, so he made sure to check on them throughout the day and cared for them well before they settled for the night. Louise had been quick to relearn her gun skills and he thought it might be the same with the horses. While the others set up camp and started dinner, he showed her how to unbridle them and cool them down. He watched her carefully brushing down one of the houses as if in awe of the powerful animal.
"Lightning's gonna be happy to have you back." He'd ridden the beautiful black mare many times since she'd been gone. At first he hoped Lou's horse would lead him back to her, but the animal had been as stumped as he was. "We must have ridden around to all your favorite spots tens of times." He recalled how his heart broke more each time he scoured another place only to come up dry. And how eventually, he had stopped hoping entirely and only continued to go place to place so he could wallow in heartache.
They worked comfortably side by side. Lou brushed the horses and Jimmy checked them over for stones and other signs of injury. It reminded him of old times.
"Jimmy?" Lou broke the silence, ending his reminiscing. "You wanted to talk the other night, before you got distracted."
"Distracted, huh?"
She smiled. "It was a nice distraction."
"Nice? I was hoping for something a little better than that. Earth-shattering, maybe."
"You're trying to do it again."
"What?" he asked innocently.
She looked squarely at him. "Distract me."
"Well, if you insist." He made a joke of starting to remove his coat. She only rolled her eyes and waited for him to cease his antics. "Alright. Let's go for a walk."
They walked away from the direction of their camp. The sun was getting low and they could make out the new moon in the clear sky. It was going to be a good night for stargazing. "You said you were making plans for when we get to Sweetwater?" Lou prompted, after they'd walked for a while and he still hadn't said anything.
"You know how Buck and I've been drawing up some plans to build on the old station. Well, it's gonna take a while to build a proper house for you and the baby."
"I saw what you and Buck drew up. That's an awful big house for just me and a baby, Jimmy."
He didn't feel there was any point in beating around the bush. "You know exactly what I want, Lou. I want that to be our house. I want room for more kids one day. I mean, if that's what you want too. But it ain't gonna be like traveling together. Once we get back we can't just…"
"Share a bed?"
"It's been more than that," he said gruffly and she felt bad for making light of their relationship.
"I know." She tugged on his hand and stilled his walking to look him in the eye. "For me too, Jimmy."
He saw himself reflected in her big, bright eyes. He saw the face he'd conjured in his mind more times than he could count. "Once I got you back, I couldn't stand the thought of anything separating you from me again. I still can't. Least of all some stupid rules."
"Who cares about the rules?"
He grinned. "Not you, not ever. But for all intents and purposes, Lou, you're a widow, expecting a child. I don't care what people think but I care about how you'll be treated, how that child will be treated. Sometimes you gotta play by the stupid rules, or at least give the appearance that you are."
"What do you mean?"
"I have to go back to sleeping in the bunkhouse, away from you. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop loving you. We just gotta figure that part out."
"Does that mean you're going to court me?" She asked seriously. Courting was a foreign idea to her, though she'd read about it in novels.
He smiled to himself. "I guess it does. Picnics, dinners, whatever it takes."
"Then what?"
This is funny, Jimmy noted. Being with Lou would have been easier if people still thought she was a man, if they could just sneak off on a ride or to the hayloft and do as they pleased. But that wasn't all he wanted from her. "What do you want to happen?" He needed to know before he laid all his expectations at her feet.
That's a loaded question. What do I want? She wrapped her arms around her middle, thinking about the life she carried and how her whole world was changing with every mile they covered. "I want a place that feels like home to raise this baby, with you," she answered honestly. What that life looked like exactly, she didn't know. What home felt like, she couldn't say. But it most definitely included this man. I must love him. "Oh!" She trembled with the revelation.
Jimmy didn't notice the tremor in her body. He was too busy basking in the sublime glow of her words. She wanted a life with him, a home with him, a child with him. He might have been shaking himself. Visions of a bright and loving future flooded his mind.
A dam was breaking inside Louise as well. Something deep inside of her snapped. She shattered into innumerable shards, then they drew back together again, reuniting, piece after piece finding their perfect place. Things shrouded in the deep, dark corners of her mind suddenly illuminated. Memories, once scattered and indistinct, came together in chronology. A powerful sob escaped her. She grabbed for Jimmy and clung to him, burying her face in his broad chest.
"You came! You found me! How could I forget you? How could I forget? Jimmy!" She nuzzled his chest where she imagined his heart to be. "I love you." Through her tears she whispered the words over and over.
At first he was confused by her outburst of emotion but once he pieced together the words that tumbled out of her, his breath hitched and she was no longer the only one crying. "Lou? Oh, Lou, Lou, my Lou, baby, I'm here, I'm here. I love you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Too wobbly to stand any longer, Jimmy fell on his knees, bringing Lou with him. He palmed both her cheeks and willed her to look at him but she kept her eyes tightly shut. Tears spilled from his eyes, a mixture of grief and joy. He had failed her so utterly and now she could truly understand the full scope of that failure. "Please look at me. I'm sorry. Sorry I took so damn long." Her eyes fluttered open. He saw the same mixed feelings in her shining, wet eyes. "Please forgive me."
"Forgive you? Jimmy, how can you want me after knowing…after seeing…" Alexander had done things to her that went beyond perverse, and in her state she had taken pleasure in it. "You don't know."
"I know enough to know none of it is your fault. None of it's on you." He kissed her tear-streaked face and held her as she broke down.
Time stretched on for Jimmy as Lou sobbed with an intensity that had her shaking in his arms. Dusk transitioned into full night before she calmed down. When it seemed like she might be collected enough to hear him, he spoke. "I know you bore witness to unspeakable things Lou, were part of 'em, maybe you feel guilty for not stopping him. You couldn't stop him. If you could have saved anyone, don't you think you would have saved yourself from him? Please don't let guilt or shame come between us now, Lou. 'Cause I will die if I lose you again. I cannot bear it." He meant it. He thought he would literally die of a broken heart, if she tried to leave him.
After a moment of sitting with his words she twined her fingers in his long, messy hair and pulled his face closer to hers. This time when he looked into her glowing brown eyes he saw love and recollection. "Jimmy, you brought me back to life." She rested her forehead against his and just savored the feeling of being this close to him again, smelling his aroma mixed with the scent of spending a day in the saddle. Her lips brushed over his ear and she whispered to him, "Even when I couldn't remember you, I knew I needed you." She shook her head, a slight smile playing on her lips. "I can't believe you came halfway across the country."
"Can't you?" he asked. "I'd go to hell and back for you."
"I feel like I've been there, Jimmy."
He brushed the back of his hand over her tear-stained cheek. "I know you have."
"You love me anyway?"
"Always. I can't be in this world without you. Not ever again."
"You won't be," she promised him.