A/N: This one's extremely angsty and a chapter I've had partially written for months.

"Kensi, what are you doing here?" Deeks asked. It was odd; he could hear his voice, but it didn't seem like his own. With the sun coming from behind her, Deeks had the bizarre thought that Kensi looked like some kind of ethereal being. A tiny part of him said he should be surprised she was even there.

"I was looking for you," she answered, slowly moving closer. "You kind of disappeared and I've been pretty worried."

He blinked at that revelation. In the last day—days? —he hadn't really thought about anyone worrying about him.

Why didn't you tell anyone you were coming here?"

He shrugged, not having much answer himself. "I don't know. I didn't plan on coming, I just started walking. I needed to get away from…from everything.

"Deeks, you know you could always come talk to me."

"It feels like I'm going crazy," he admitted in a whisper, staring out at the ocean.

"What—what do you mean?" Kensi asked. He felt her sit next to him, and the brush of her shoulder on his almost made him shudder. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had touched him. "Deeks, talk to me."

A wave of hopelessness and anxiety almost as strong as when he'd left the house swept through him and the voice in his head rose again. He breathed out a couple times to push it all back, but a harsh wheeze came out instead. "My dad was right, Kens. I'm just a screw up." He dropped his head back again, not having the energy to hold his own body up. "I'm just like him."

"Hey no, no you're not," Kensi insisted, grabbing both of his hands. She squeezed tightly before releasing him again. "Whatever's going on, you are not a screw up."

"Then why is everything a mess?" he asked listlessly. Kensi was silent for so long that Deeks would have thought he imagined her if not for the continued of the pressure of her shoulder on his.

"Well, it's not going to do any good sitting out here," she said eventually, suddenly crouching in front of him. "Please let me take you home." She held out her hands, palm up, waiting. He slowly took them, not resisting when she pulled him to his feet.

Kensi watched Deeks out of the corner of her, trying to be subtle. If she'd thought he looked bad before, that was nothing on his current state. His face looked drawn and washed out, cheekbones too prominent, eyes shadowy and red. He'd stumbled in the sand a couple of times on their way back to the car, which worried her more than anything, and made her wonder when he'd last eaten. If he'd truly been wondering the beach for a couple days.

When she took the route to her house, Deeks didn't show any surprise or object. He merely leaned against the passenger window, the part of his face she could see expressionless.

Kensi knew she should call Roberta, who was probably close to starting a formal search party, if she hadn't already, but she also didn't think Roberta should see Deeks in his current state. She was almost certain he wouldn't want it either once he was more aware.

He wordlessly followed her into the house, walking over to the couch, and collapsing onto it. Kensi watched him for a few moments, her concern coiling unpleasantly in her stomach.

She moved on to the kitchen, intent on getting Deeks food and water. There was a note from her dad on the kitchen table which read,

Kensi,

Call my office number if you need anything. I'll try to get home early tonight. Please be smart.

Love,

Dad

She smiled briefly as she read, folding the sheet of paper into a square when she was done, and tucking it into her pocket.

There were leftover ravioli and green beans in the fridge. She warmed up a large bowl, figuring her dad would understand. She also filled two glasses with water and juice.

Deeks had fallen asleep by the time she came back out with everything on a tray. She felt a little bad about waking him up when he clearly needed the sleep.

"Deeks." Putting the glass on the table, she nudged his shoulder, and he immediately sprang up with a gasp, wheezing as if he'd been running. "Hey, it's ok. It's just me." He nodded, rubbing his hands over his face as his breathing slowly returned to a normal rhythm.

"Sorry."

"It's ok. Are you hungry?"

Deeks shrugged at her question, reaching for the water on the tray first. He drained it in a few gulps, and leaned back with a sigh, letting Kensi replace the glass with the bowl of ravioli instead. At first he mostly picked at the food, but eventually he began eat with a mindlessness that spoke of real hunger.

Kensi sat on the other side of the couch, trying not to stare.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked when he was done, fiddling with her fingernails.

He shrugged again and ruffled his bangs. His spoon scraped against the bottom of his empty bowl, making a harsh sound. "A little.

He seemed better. At least less out of it, but she was still worried she might unintentionally set him off.

"You said you screwed everything up. What did you mean by that?"

"There's been this constant loop in my brain of everything that's gone wrong the last few weeks," he explained, his head dipped so far forward his bangs completely concealed the top half of his face. "Almost getting arrested with Ray, not being able to help enough," he glanced up for the briefest of seconds and then immediately looked down again. "Yelling at you."

"You didn't yell at me," Kensi corrected him. "I was mad for sure, but not enough say you screwed our friendship up. Besides, I wasn't exactly the most reasonable either."

"I'm so sorry, Kensi," Deeks said in a rush, facing her with a look that was almost painfully hopeful.

"You're forgiven." She'd already been halfway there; seeing how torn up he was made her realize there wasn't any point in hanging onto her anger. "Do you forgive me for not being able to take a hint and back off?" she asked in return.

He chuckled breathily. "Kens, there's nothing to forgive," he insisted. Kensi frowned. She didn't like that he was taking all the blame, but remembering what had happened last time she'd pushed him too hard, she didn't disagree.

"Why do you think you're just like your dad? What happened him?"

Deeks blinked at her in surprise. "You don't know?"

"I mean, I can guess enough, and I've heard all the rumors, but I never believed most of them."

"My dad…" Deeks swallowed and started again, looking beyond Kensi as he spoke in an even, yet hoarse voice. "My dad was violent. He'd hit, punch, kick, yell at my mom. It was worse when he drank, which admittedly was most days. He'd come home from work, and flip out over the tiniest thing. One time, I remember he ran out of beer, so he screamed at mom and threw her across the room. She broke her wrist that day."

Kensi said nothing, too stunned to have anything appropriate to say. She'd known his dad had been awful, but nothing like this. To think he was comparing himself to such a vile person.

"She was always purple and black under her clothes."

"Did he hit you too?" Kensi asked, even though she thought she knew the answer.

"Sometimes. Usually he laid into mom more of the time. He did dislocate my shoulder one time, and then he stopped for a little while cause I had to go to the ER to get it fixed. I learned pretty early on to stay out of sight as much as possible when he was home. Well, until I was 9 or 10. Then I started to try and run interference when I could. One of those times, I got between the two of them, because uh, he had a gun."

"Oh my god." Kensi gripped Deeks' hand harder, like it could protect his past self.

"I was this scrawny little eleven-year-old, but for some reason, I fought back. He started punching me, probably thought he'd knocked me out, and turned back to mom. You know how stubborn I am." He huffed a laugh. "I just jumped on his back and somehow, I don't even know, got the gun from him, and—and I shot him."

"Deeks."

"A lot of what happened after that is blurry. The cops came, and this time dad wasn't in a place to cover up the evidence and mom didn't lie for him." He ended with uncertain glance in her direction.

"You are nothing like him," Kensi told him fiercely. Giving into the urge she'd been holding back since she found, she crossed the invariable barrier between them, and hugged him tightly. "Nothing."

"I don't know. I make my mom's life a lot harder," he whispered.

"Deeks, that's not true. You help so much. You help pay the bills."

"Yeah, like that's doing a lot of good. We're barely surviving, Kens," he revealed bitterly. Kensi's eyes widened at the unexpected admission.

"How did it get so bad? You and your mom work all the time." And they weren't exactly living in anything that could be considered luxury.

"Moving halfway across the state wasn't easy. My mom didn't have a lot in savings to begin with." He swallowed, his face flushing with what she presumed was shame at admitting any of this. "The divorce wasn't cheap either. Even with him being abusive jerk, mom had to get lawyers to make sure she could keep custody of me."

"But if he hurt you and your mom, why didn't he have to pay for the divorce?" Kensi asked, horrified.

Deeks chuckled bitterly. "Unfortunately, that's not how it works most of the time. My mom got this firm—well, they called it a firm, it was more like a guy and his daughter who never finished law school—who promised to take our case for a reduced fee." He pursed his lips. "I guess you can figure out he didn't keep that promise. He found all kinds of ways to jack up the fees and then threatened to take mom to court if she didn't pay up. Not a whole lot you can do at that point."

"That's terrible."

"Yeah," he agreed. "If I go to law school, I will never be like that. I will never take advantage of someone at their lowest moment, when they're expecting me to help them." He looked up at Kensi, his jaw set with anger and frustration.

"Of course you won't," Kensi assured him. She lightly touched his forearm. "So, is your mom still paying off those law fees?"

"No, she finally paid them off." His hand rose to drag through his hair again. "You remember how I got sick last year and then my mom got laid off for a couple months?"

"Yeah, you ended up in the emergency room your cough was so bad," Kensi recalled.

"Right. Our crappy insurance didn't think it was bad enough to cover though. A few laters and some antibiotics that make me puke later, we'd racked up a nice bill." Deeks shook his head in disgust. He'd never looked so disenchanted. It was startling to see in combination with the lingering exhaustion and distress.

"You should have told me sooner." Even though she'd figured it out on her own, she hadn't known just how much Deeks and his mom were struggling, or for how long.

"It's not your problem," he insisted.

"Deeks, you're my best friend. Of course I'm going to do whatever I have to help you. It's kind of in the job description.

"Kensi—"

"So if I needed money, you wouldn't lend me some?" she asked pointedly. He opened his mouth to object, and when she titled her head and crossed her arms, he sighed, relenting.

"Probably."

"Exactly. Let us help you, Deeks," she said. He didn't object again, so she took is as ascent. She leaned forward and hugged him. "We'll figure this out. Promise me that if you ever start feeling like this again, you won't run away."

"Promise," he murmured, curling around her.