The Fate franchise is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

Tales as Old as Time.

With special thanks to Kamenhero25.

Meanwhile, in Fate Further Unofficial Harem Antics:

It took Matou Zouken hours to put himself back together. Worm by worm, bug by bug. But it would take a great deal more than half a ton of stone and wood being dropped on top of him to put him out of commission for very long. Better people with more stone and more wood had tried before, and they all had failed! Stupid Darnic.

As the old man managed to draw in enough of his worm familiars to regrow his body, he took stock of the situation. Sakura and that troublesome Servant had run away while he was indisposed and that useless boy was nowhere to be seen. Now his most valuable puppet was who knew where, with his planned Servant for the Grail War in tow. And no doubt the Servant would be protecting his pawn from him. He might be ancient and knowledgeable, but he didn't fancy his chances against Medusa in a direct fight. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll do this myself."

He began pulling his sleeves up while suitably epic music began sounding.

Zouken gave a fierce stare at some direction. The music stopped.

Summoning without a specific catalyst was a risky trick, but he was there when they'd made the damned Grail. He could make this work. He went about fixing up his summoning circle, his worms crawling across the ground and leaving trails of slime and pus to fill in the gaps caused by the ceiling falling in. "Now then. Let's see if I've still got it." He began to chant, the familiar mantra rolling of his tongue. He had been around for every Matou summoning since the very first Heaven's Feel, but it still felt exhilarating to call forth the power himself.

The explosion that heralded his Servant's appearance was much smaller than the one that had revealed Sakura's. Zouken couldn't help a small smirk as he recognized the black shrouded figure in the center of the circle.

"I am the Assassin," the woman in the all covering hood and robes said, her voice low and soft, but strict and dismissive. "Tell me, you stranger, are you the one who would claim to be my Master?"

"Indeed," Zouken said. Ah, Assassin. His favorite of the Servant classes by far. Yes, he could work with this. "Now, there's no time to waste. I have a mission for you."

He scowled as the Assassin just glared at him, her large dark eyes squinting through the veil hiding most of her face.

"Any objections?" Zouken growled. He was in absolutely no mood for games.

"Yes," Assassin said. "If you are a magus, you are my enemy."

Zouken blinked, not giving his ears credit at first. "Your enemy!" he repeated after a moment, livid with fury. "I am your Master and you will obey me! Is that understood!?"

"I only obey the dictates of the one true faith," the Servant said again, with the exact same stern tone from before. "Magic users are sinners and my only business with them is their destruction."

Zouken had enough. He stepped forward and lifted a hand, as if to backhand Assassin across the face... but then stopped himself short of going all the way. He stopped bristling, lowered the wrinkled hand, and gave a hollow, humorless laugh.

"Hah hah. You want to provoke me, don't you? So you will use a parlor trick of your order on me. But I am much more clever than that! If you won't obey properly, a Command Seal will teach you to-"

An arm rose from her back, a long, muscular extra limb of twitching fingers,and it grabbed Zouken by the head. She began bashing his skull down on the floor, over and over, faster than the human eye could follow, while bellowing "Zabaniya, Delusional Poison Body! Evildoer, hand thy head...!"

Zouken sneered as he was bashed down. It was barely painful, as he had experienced far worse beatdowns before in the head of battle. He was certain he would take fair revenge on this insolent Servant as soon as she took him for dead, and oh, then he would show her the error of her ways...

At least he thought that until his skin began to bubble and the horrifically powerful phantasmal poison that now coated Assassin's entire body began to spread through his worms like a virus. Assassin watched dispassionately as her Master's entire being began to bubble and warp as her lethal toxins spread through his body. Zouken tried to reach out to Sakura's worms, trying to boost his mana levels enough to resist the poison, but he found that connection severed. He lasted just long enough to scream before his very essence dissolved in to sticky purple goo on the floor of his basement.

Assassin looked down at the mess that used to be her summoner. "The fruit of heresy is most bitter," she said to herself. Well, it had to be done. Hopefully, she could last enough to make a further difference, but even if she didn't, she already had done a good deed, and sometimes that was enough on itself. She took a moment to check the Grail's knowledge of this time period before wincing in disgust.

"So much to do, so little time,.." she mused to herself.

Leaving the basement behind in silence,she exited the manor and entered the night. First she would have to find herself a new anchor, one unconnected to the heretics, and then she would need to dispose of everyone else in this obscene event. Then, assuming she still had enough energy, she would see if she could do something about this 'Internet'.

"Well that went better than expected in a way, but also far worse in another," Irisviel said blandly, looking down at the results of Assassin's summoning.

"What happened, Dear?" Kiritsugu asked, peaking over his wife's shoulder.

"Well, Zouken tried to summon another Servant, and I sent him one of the less awful Assassins. I figured he'd eventually piss them off enough to get himself killed."

Kiritsugu looked down at the puddle of purple slime that was once Matou Zouken. "And it worked, so the bad thing about that is...?."

"It's not the Assassin I aimed for," Irisviel said. "I wanted the Hassan of Serenity, but I could not pull her for some reason, and the best I could manage was the no name fanatic who probably will want to kill anyone who has a harem!"

"What!?"

"I had to act fast, it was either her or Hundred Faces, and Hundred Faces would be a gangbang of ninety eight men, a woman and a little girl on poor Shirou!" Iri lamented.

Kiritsugu sighed. "You wanted to give him a Servant whose entire body is covered in deadly poison?"

"She deserves happiness too!" Irisviel wailed. "We'd have arranged something along the way!"

Kiritsugu looked down at her as she bawled, and then offered almost sheepishly, "Shoulder massage?"

"Please!"

Assassin.

True Name: Unknown.

"Great, now Hatless Nuance will start complaining about how she isn't with Shirou and she should be with Sigma instead," Kiritsugu groaned.

"Kiri, don't be petty," his wife chided him.

"I'm not saying he's wrong."

Other Names and Aliases: No Name Assasin, The Beautiful Assassin, the Zealot.

"This might be a part of why I couldn't summon Serenity," Irisviel said, reading from the Internet. "Listen."

As a strange quirk of her Spirit Origin, Serenity is incapable of remembering any point of time in which she fell in love. Should a version of her experience love and then perish, she will not return to the Throne of Heroes but cease to exist entirely. Even if the Holy Grail itself were used to resummon her, it would only be able to summon a different Serenity with a new Spirit Origin. The purpose of such an elaborate set of checks and balances is unknown.

"And what does that have to do with this?" asked Kiritsugu.

His wife shrugged. "It might be that the Throne doesn't want her in any lasting romantic relationship, so it denied her for the purposes of marrying Shirou."

"That's... awfully petty from a neutral cosmic entity," he noticed.

"Maybe it's just afraid of shippers," the woman said. "They are obsessive and when their waifu's purity is threatened, they stop buying our products."

"Hah, as if!"

"No, really, they just pirate them then!"

Alternate Classes: None.

Alignment: Lawful Good.

"Huh. Could have fooled me!" Kiritsugu said.

"Oh, you're one to talk," Irisviel told him.

Attribute: Human.

Gender: Female.

Natural Enemy: Jester Karture.

Parameters:

Strength: C

Endurance: B

Agility: A

Magic/Mana: C

Luck: D

Noble Phantasm: B+

Likes: Her faith, serving God, King Hassan, the rest of the Hassans.

Dislikes: Infidels, vampires, ecchi.

First Ascension: Assassin with her fully concealing black robes and veil.

Second Ascension: The veil is off, showing her lovely face. This is what she understands for 'shameless fan-service'.

Third Ascension: The 'Wednesday Addams' look. See Personal Skills below. Why, Mrs. Irisviel, why?

Final Ascension: Two shining eyes in the darkness, her silhouette barely outlined as if she is poised to leap and strike.

Biography:

"Here it says that No Name Assassin was born in the Middle East, and she was a follower of the Order of Hassan," Irisviel said. "She was a faithful student of the ways of the guild, and prayed fervently to Allah. She competed against the Hassan of a Hundred Faces for the title of Grandmaster, and she lost the position to him."

"Ah, surely she couldn't have done any worse than him!" Kiritsugu reminisced. "To be fair I'm probably being too harsh on him. Iskandar was something else."

"She was rejected, ostensibly because she had only copied the techniques of previous Old Men of the Mountain instead of creating her own, but truly because her zeal scared the other members of the order, she was so much of a fanatic."

"That doesn't sound good."

"But she never blamed her guildmates, assuming she had been found lacking for being too young and inexpert." Irisviel smiled nervously at her hubby. "That is good, on the other hand! She doesn't hold grudges! See? She is the reasonable type after all, Kiri! Shirou can make it work! Shirou can fix her! Shirou can fix anyone!"

Kiritsugu groaned.

Class Skills:

Presence Concealment: A-

Presence Concealment is Assassin's Class Skill, which allows her to hide her presence from rank is lowered slightly, despite Assassin's incredible potential, because of her impulsiveness, prompting her to break into the enemy headquarters like a Servant from the Knight Classes.

"Spoilers for Fate/Strange Fake," Kiritsugu droned.

Personal Skills:

Zealotry: A

Normally unattainable mental strength can be obtained by having so much religious faith in something that it is beyond the understanding of those around her. Trauma is instantly overcome, strong resistance to mental interference type magecraft is obtained.

"That's it? Only one Personal Skill?" Kiritsugu said. "The other Servants are going to laugh at her!"

"He-Man only has two Personal Skills and he's fine!" Irisviel waved it off.

"But he's He-Man!"

"I'm sure she'll get more when she is added to the gacha, it's just that apparently the Throne couldn't wait and felt it had to send her right now," Iri said.

"Well, it'd be trying on my patience as well," Kiri said.

"Let's see, I think I can give her another Skill or two..."

Looking Like Wednesday Addams: EX

"Iri, I don't think that counts as a Personal Skill!" Kiritsugu said.

"But it makes her look sooooo adorable!"

Noble Phantasm:

Zabaniya- Phantasmal Pedigree: E/A

"It says here that she's a copycat," Irisviel read from the Internet. "Her Noble Phantasm is the capacity to manifest any Noble Phantasm from the previous 'Old Men of the Mountain', but she never established one of her own!"

"Ah, so she's like those literary authors who cannot write anything original and just recycle characters and stories from others," Kiritsugu said.

They took a minute to stare beyond the Fourth Wall. Not at you. I shuddered.

Anti-Unit.

Anti-Army.

Zabaniya- Delusional Heartbeat: The right arm of the evil spirt Shayṭan, the cursing hand of the Middle Eastern Magecraft specialized in Curses that curses humans to death. It creates a mirror image of the heart of the assassination target with an Ether Clump, a dual existence that resonates with the original one. By crushing the fake heart, Assassin can crush the real one with this curse without laying a finger on it

Zabaniya- Cyber Phantasy: Upon contact between an enemy's head and one of Assassin's hands, it turns the target's brain into gunpowder, causing it to explode and destroy the upper half of their body.

Zabaniya- Ichor of Reverie: The use of an extremely high-pitch 'song' that disorients the targets' brains and scrambles their Magic Circuits. It can instantly kill nine magi actively preparing spells by forcing them to incinerate themselves. It can also be focused on a single target, forcing even a Servant onto their knees with this disorientation ability. Most humans cannot actually hear the pitch of the song, but it has an affect on their bodies regardless if they possess Magic Circuits or not.

Zabaniya- Delusional Poison Body: The Hassan of Serenity's state of being of killing everyone who comes into contact with her by poison, transformed into a Noble Phantasm. It results in death to living things that touches her skin and bodily fluids. It is also possible for armaments that are not Noble Phantasms to corrode instantly when coming into contact with her poison.

Zabaniya- Meditative Sensitivity: An ability in which Assassin connects to the shadow of the world to transform herself into the concept of death and merges with her target to drag them into the netherworld. Due to the vagueness of its existence, No Name not even fully knowing which Hassan used it or if such a technique really even existed, she is not able to faithfully reproduce its ability.

Zabaniya- Febrile Inspiration: Unlike the other forms of Zabaniya, this technique is defensive in nature as it makes the users' skin as hard as Demon Realm Crystal.

Zabaniya- Raving Shadow Flash: It allows for the manipulation of one's hair to be used as a cutting tool. The Hassan who created the technique displayed enough prowess to make their strands as thin as spider silk and decapitate the target from many kilometers away without detection. The hair can also be manipulated like extra limbs, allowing for the user to grab onto their targets.

Zabaniya- Unfeeling Patrolling Spirits: It allows for the summoning of creatures of dense mist called Jinniya, which transform into numerous shapes such as massive beasts, great serpents, beautiful women, and giants to attack the enemy.

"Ah, so that's why she has only one Personal Skill," Kiritsugu said. "Her Noble Phantasm is a Swiss army knife."

Irisviel pouted. "Gilgamesh has everyone else's Phantasms in his treasure and he still has several skills!"

Start of Battle:

"So, what do we do here?" Iri asked. "Whatever lines we come up with her, they'll be retconned by canon as soon as she's added to the gacha."

"Do you really think that will happen at any point in human history?" Kiritsugu asked her dryly.

"I know!" she smiled brightly and snapped her fingers. "We'll summon her here to consult her and record her lines!"

"She'll just call you a false goddess and try to kill you," her husband told her.

Irisviel's head drooped with a moan.

"Let's just write anything we think will be in character and let future generations worry about the rest!" Kiritsugu took over and began typing.

These are the lines he came up with:

"The wicked shall be cleansed."

"Justice? What is justice?"

"I must redeem myself..."

"There is nothing to talk about."

"You were deemed unworthy..."

"Eh," Irisviel shrugged after a moment spent contemplating them. "They're just placeholders after all!"

Kiritsugu sighed. "I know I'm not a good writer..."

Attack:

"Infidel!"

"Perish."

"Regret your actions!"

"Begone."

"Never again!"

"I can't help feeling we've made her too talkative," Kiritsugu mused.

"Oh, we aren't just going with random token 'uh, oh, ahs'!" Irisviel said, merrily typing along. "That's so boring!"

Damage:

"Uh!"

"Oh!"

"Ah!"

"Nnnghh!"

"Miserable!"

Irisviel pouted. "Spoilsport!"

"Look, what is she going to do, give flowery speeches while she's hit? She's not the type!" the hitman argued. "She gives those after she fights!"

Damage by Noble Phantasm: "Please forgive me, O Founder!"

Victory:

"Heretics."

"This is the reward for your sins."

"We have little patience for the likes of you."

"The path to cleansing is sadly full of violence."

"We have wasted far too much time here."

"You know, I'm sure Lasengle will be able to come up with something much better!" Irisviel said blandly.

"I'd fully agree with you, if not for the part where they ever add Strange/Fake to the gacha," Kiritsugu said.

"But Enkidu..."

"He's tied to Gilgamesh, and Gilgamesh gets all the perks."

Gilgamesh approves this message.

Defeat:

"We must be stoic in the face of defeat."

"In the end... I failed again..."

"My faith wasn't strong enough."

"What do I keep doing wrong?"

"Was your pathway the correct one?"

"Those sound more like things you would say," Irisviel hummed.

"Do you think so?" Kiritsugu said. "I normally don't sound like that, do I?"

"I suppose there is one or two commonalities between you..."

"Do I!?"

Summon: ""Are you... the mage... who has summoned me... to attain the Holy Grail?"

"And then...?" Kiritsugu asked.

"And then, as soon as the magus says yes, she kills them," Irisviel said.

"Huh. What a lack of pragmatism. She should at least wait until they outlive their usefulness."

"A lack of manners, too," his wife opined. "But she's a good girl. She means well, she just needs some prodding in the correct direction."

Noble Phantasm Activation:

"Zabaniya: Phantasmal Pedigree."

Extra Dialogue:

"This one's actually easy," Kiritsugu said. "Let's just give her lines with characters who will never appear in Grand Order. That way we won't step on anyone's toes."

"But what if they start doing collaborations?" the albino asked.

"Iri, please, let's be realistic!"

"Our God does not drink from a cup. You call yourself a holy knight, and yell you would fall for a ruse that obvious!?" (When you have Shielder Galahad of Corbenic).

"An angel of Allah?! You...?! Pretender! You shall die, you unholy abomination!" (When you have Archer Flonne, Saber Zauriel, or Caster Azazel).

"Another one of them. You must be put down as well." (When you have Assassin or Lancer Yu Meiren or Caster Evangeline A.K. Mc Dowell).

"Y-You want me... to pay your bail!? Are you serious!?" (When you have Saber Richard the Lionheart).

"You corrupted the Order. Even if you claim you did it for the sake of the world, that cannot be tolerated. I have no right to say it, but hand thy head." (When you have Assassin or Saber Ra's al Ghul).

"You say you are All Might, and you are worshipped across this wretched world. Who do you think you are fooling?" (When you have Ruler All Might).

Birthday: Zealot slowly rises from a birthday cake, singing sweetly, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Emiya Shirou, happy birt-

"Iri!" Kiritsugu said.

She giggled. "Let me dream a little!"

Event: "The stench of evil drifts from there..."

Holy Grail: "The only thing I can do with it is destroying it, so nothing is left of its abominable existence. I don't even wish to talk about it!"

"Okay, now that's been settled out, we must find her," Irisviel said. "She might get herself hurt, that poor thing..."

"I don't think that's the thing we should be worried about the most," Kiritsugu said dryly.

"But without Zouken, she will run out of mana!" the woman sniffled.

Kiritsugu sighed. "Then let's think. Where would I be if I were a fanatic willing to do anything for a naive cause, just because of delusions that any means will be justified by my ends...?"

Irisviel blinked at him.

"I'm thinking," Kiritsugu reassured her.

Some things are just Stations of the Canon, and Ayako took Assassin in. Somehow, it still worked out, more or less.

Sigma? What of him? I don't like Sigma.

Look, it's my sorry excuse for a fanfic, okay? And this entry was a pain to write. Sorry. It's been a difficult day. I'm on edge. I shouldn't be taking it out on you guys. Moving on...

Next: Have you ever been caught with your Trunks down?