(A/N: I don't just make glorious crossovers. Sometimes I need to redo an old joke with an anime-skin slapped over it. Enjoy!)
"Sister Lily! Where do you want this again?!" Asta shouted loud enough to be heard. He was carrying an arm load full of lumber.
"Oh! Asta, just set it down over there by the chairs. Why did you carry all of that by hand?"
"Because it's fantastic training!" Asta shouted pridefully.
Lily of Hage Village…did not have a response for this.
As Asta set down the lumber, he looked at the magnificent stage he and the residents of Hage village had crafted, but it was far from complete. The village would be putting on a little amateur play, with aid from other villages and higher class residents of the Clover Kingdom. Asta felt so proud to be helping out his small little community.
"There you are Bakasta! I've been looking all over for you!"
"Oh! Hey, Noelle! Good to see you!" Asta shouted, waving to her.
Noelle approached with the usual noble swagger in her step.
"I hear your little village is throwing a play," Noelle remarked.
"You betcha! That's why I haven't been by the base in a while. I've been helping set up both as a stage hand and I'll be playing the best darn tree you've ever seen!"
Noelle resisted the urge to facepalm. They probably just gave him the role of a tree so he could feel like he was being included, she thought. "Well, I just thought I would let you know that I intend to sit in on this little amateur theater of yours. I hear a date has already been decided."
"Yup! Sure has!"
"I hear all of the players are mostly from Hage Village, is that correct?" Noelle asked.
"Mmmhmm! Mmmhmm!" Asta nodded enthusiastically.
"I happen to really like theater, you know. I've attended it lots of times when the royal theater puts on a performance."
"Ah! Well, I can't say we have the same budget as the royal theater, but we've all been really enthusiastic about the performance!" Asta exclaimed.
"Right, which is why I wanted to know a lot about it before sitting down to enjoy it, temper my expectations and all that. Perhaps if I met the cast and crew, simply being in the presence of a royal, for however long, would improve their performance."
"That's a great idea!" Asta exclaimed. "I'm sure anyone would be more motivated if they met you Noelle!"
Noelle blushed. "Y-Yes, w-well…of course they would!" She hadn't expected Asta to agree so readily.
"Of course, I gotta warn you, people have weird names in some of the surrounding villages. Even I got confused once or twice. Ah! But they're really nice people!" Asta defended.
"Do your worst. I've heard all manner of ridiculous names."
"Well, tell me the people you want to know about. I've memorized everyone at this point!" Asta exclaimed.
"Then tell me the fine name of the actor playing the lead."
"Who."
"The man playing the lead," Noelle repeated.
"Who."
"The lead role," Noelle stated more strenuously.
"Who."
"The man playing the lead!" Noelle shouted.
"Who."
"What's the name of the actor playing the role?" Noelle asked with increasing incredulousness.
"What's playing the villain."
"I didn't ask you who's playing the villain!" Noelle snapped.
"No who's playing the lead," Asta corrected.
"I don't know!" Noelle shouted.
"No, she's on lights. We're not talking about her," Asta corrected again.
Noelle palmed her eyes. "Asta…explain to me how I went from asking about the lead to you telling me about the girl tending to the lighting."
"Well you mentioned her name."
"I mentioned Who's name."
"No Who is playing the lead."
"I'm not asking you what's the name of the guy playing the lead!" Noelle shouted.
"No, What's playing the lead," Asta told her.
"I'm not asking you who's playing the villain!"
"No Who's playing the lead."
"I don't know!"
"She's on lights," Asta reminded her.
Noelle massaged her forehead and inhaled sharply. There I go back to lights again. She inhaled again. "Asta…is anyone getting paid for their hard work?"
"Well we're taking donations," Asta said with a nod.
"In that case, naturally the lead actor will get most of the money, correct?" Noelle asked.
"Makes sense to me," Asta responded.
"So then when you go to pay the lead actor, who gets the money?"
"Yes."
Noelle held out her hands like she wanted to strangle Asta in confusion, staring up at the sky wondering whose puppy she had kicked to deserve this level of bad karma.
"Maybe if he's too shy his wife will come collect it."
"Who's wife?"
"Yes."
Noelle slapped her face over her eyes and wiped it down slowly.
"Are you okay, Noelle?"
"Peachy," Noelle responded. She took a deep breath. "Okay, just…tell me about the light girl and don't veer away from it."
"Okay!"
"All right, now tell me who is your light girl?"
"No, who's playing the lead!"
"What's that about the lead now?"
"No, what's playing the villain," Asta corrected.
Noelle shook her fist at him. "I'm not asking you who's playing the villain!"
"No, Who's Playing the Lead."
"I don't know!" Noelle shouted.
"LIGHTS!" They both declared together.
Noelle hyperventilated, collected herself and resumed this…frustrating conversation. "Okay, forget the cast and lights. You have a crew, right?"
"We sure do."
"Gimme the name of your director."
"Why."
"I just thought I'd ask you," Noelle responded through gritted teeth.
"Well I just thought I'd tell you!" Asta returned.
"Then tell me who's your director?" Noelle asked.
"No, who's playing the lead."
"I'm not—STAY OUT OF THE CAST YOU MORON!" Noelle yelled loud enough to blow Asta's hair back. Seething, Noelle asked. "I want to know what's the name of your lead actor."
"No, What's playing the villain."
"I'm not asking you who's playing the villain."
"Who's playing the lead."
"I don't know."
"LIGHTS!"
Noelle had a right mind to drown Asta in the nearest body of water.
After taking an actual minute to try calming down, Noelle held her hands together in prayer to give her peace of mind before dropping them at her sides and asking as nicely as possible. "The director's name."
"Why."
"Because."
"Ohhhhhh, she's the stage director."
Noelle could feel a blood vessel threatening to burst in the back of her brain. After taking two minutes to calm down this time, she tried again.
"Please tell me you have a good supporting actor."
"We absolutely do," Asta told her.
"The supporting actor's name?"
"Tomorrow."
"You…can't tell me today?" Noelle asked, very confused.
"I'm telling you now," Asta insisted.
"Then tell me!"
"Tomorrow," he answered.
"What time?" Noelle asked.
"What time what?" Asta wanted to know.
"What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's your supporting actor?" Noelle asked.
"Noelle, for the last time, who isn't the supporting actor. Who is—"
"I will dig you an early grave and throw you in it you tell me who's playing the lead!" Noelle shouted. "I want to know what's the supporting actor's name."
"What's the villain."
"I don't know the villain!"
"LIGHTS!"
Growling, Noelle stomped her feet in a circle, unable to comprehend this conversation in the slightest. Asta, realizing she needed to calm down, started unloading the lumber to begin slicing it so more chairs could be made.
When Noelle calmed down, she tapped him in the shoulder. "Okay, one more time."
"Oh? You have more questions? Sure, fire away!"
"Could you tell me the name of your comic relief?" Noelle asked.
"Today," Asta answered.
It took Noelle a moment to process this. "Let me see if I'm processing this? Today's the comic relief and tomorrow's the supporting lead?"
"Yup!"
"Got a couple days on the cast, huh," Noelle remarked.
"I know! Isn't it great?" Asta asked with a smile.
Awkward silence ensued.
"You know, I'm a pretty good actor myself," Noelle declared.
"I would expect nothing less, Noelle," Asta replied sincerely and supportively.
"I bet I could place tomorrow or whomever their name was as the supporting role," Noelle boasted.
"Maybe, but we go on in two weeks, the script's already been rehearsed and everything," Asta told her.
"Okay, then, hypothetically, say I was an understudy. Is that allowed? Is that okay? No fancy lingo to go with that statement?" Noelle asked, tiring of this conversation.
"I…don't know why you're getting so upset, but yeah. You could be an understudy," Asta replied.
"Okay…" Noelle said and took a deep breath. "Okay! So, say Tomorrow gets sick and I have to go on. Now I'm playing the supporting role. I walk out on stage for my first scene and I walk out with who?"
"Now that's the first thing you've said that makes perfect sense since the yelling started," Asta said as the rubbed the back of his head. "See, Noelle? I knew you'd get it."
"Get it? Get WHAT?! I'm still so confused!" Noelle shouted.
"Okay, no need to shout. We can run it through again."
"Right. Okay. So, I walk out, hypothetically, into my first scene and I'm on stage with Who?"
"Exactly."
"Who?"
"Exactly."
Finally, an answer…or so it seemed.
"Right, so," Noelle walked in one direction like she was walking out onto the stage, "I walk out onto the stage and I walk out with Exactly."
"What? No!" Asta shouted. "You walk out on stage and you're on stage with Who."
"Exactly."
"See? You got it!" Asta praised.
"That's what I said!"
"You're not saying it—"
"I walk out on stage with Exactly," Noelle declared.
"No!" Asta corrected. "With Who!"
"Exactly."
"That's it!"
"That's what I said!" Noelle shouted strenuously.
"You ask me," Asta requested.
"I walk out on stage with Who?"
"Exactly."
"Now you ask me!" Noelle demanded.
"You go on stage with who?"
"Exactly."
"There you go!" Asta praised.
"I don't know even know what I'm talking about at this point!" Noelle shouts. "So we get on stage and we're immediately given our cue by Because. Why? I don't know!" Noelle shouted pointing to herself. "She's working the lights and I don't care anymore!"
"What was that?" Asta asked.
"I said I don't care anymore!"
"Ohhhhhh, that's our costume designer!"
Noelle would later have to explain to Captain Yami why Asta had a big, throbbing, wood pulp laden bruise across the back of his head.
END
(A/N: If you've never heard the ol' Who's on First bit, I recommend checking it out. I'm pretty sure at least one version is on YT. I had this idea percolating in the back of my mind for months and finally decided "screw it. I'll write it." Because Asta would be that dumb to not understand the problem and Noelle would be that easily riled up XD.
Anyway, that's all from me. If you like what I do and want to see more content, consider adding me to your alerts, leaving a review, becoming a patron or what have you. And, until I see you all next time, from all of me, to all of you, let your hearts stay human and your wrath draconic. Ja ne!)