Disclaimer: I own neither Naruto or Harry Potter.
The Uzumaki felt a varying amount of emotions as he quickly thought of a game plan with his new found knowledge of the professor poser.
Amusement at the fact that the man was so obviously not qualified for the position. He spent more time telling the class about himself that they hadn't actually picked up their wand or textbook the entire class.
He was also puzzled on how he got past the stern professor lady. She seemed like she could sniff out posers like him anytime and wouldn't hesitate to call him out, giving him the boot.
Still he remembered Mizuki sensei flying under the radar for so long so he didn't find it especially strange.
'Bastard-' Naruto instinctively narrowing his eyes at the thought of the white…errr Grey haired man?
Man, his memory was funky.
Also after thinking about it Naruto settled on a bit of anger at the man, Gilderoy. After all he knew how dangerous this place was just by observing a little bit and the fact that this man was teaching his friend was not good.
Not good at all, especially if he was teaching them for the rest of their time here. Wouldn't she be basically held back with her head filled with that man's crap!?
He would be fine of course. He was a ninja before a wizard but he was sure wizards couldn't survive without their super cool Magic.
Naruto had already thought of a game plan of how to prank this guy a while back but after thinking about it right now…a sudden bout of maturity caught him.
If he pranked that guy right now during class like he wanted to, wouldn't he mess up his classmates' too? Susan and Hannah may have him later and that bushy haired girl who was a bit snooty but not too bad.
'...sorry itching powder.' Naruto wiped a sad tear as he placed the pellet, one of the only things he had from back home, back inside his little bag under his robes with the others.
He glanced around the table hearing murmurs of lunch soon being over.
"Astoria!" He smiled at the small girl who was packing up looking at him startled, nearly dropping her fork before she perked up.
"I'm right here. Yes Naruto?" Astoria spoke a bit of happiness evident in her tone.
"Great job! I'll pay you back for this later!" He told her quickly and got up ignoring the "Huh?"
"Wait, what do you mean? What did I-!"
Zoom
The boy walked out the hall at a quick pace making sure to limit his speed to an average human's run speed.
Of course watching someone walk faster than others was a pretty surreal sight as many gazed strangely upon the blonde's quick stride as he left.
10 seconds after a mane of bushy hairy that had been observing silently quickly followed, after assuring their companions.
And yes she was actually running.
"Shadow clone jutsu." Naruto allowed the words to roll off his tongue intentionally rather than internally saying it. Speaking in his native tongue felt a bit good to be honest, not that he had anything against english!
Expect some of the crazy words of course. Like what the hell was up with pterodactyl? He still couldn't wrap his head around that one!
Easily ignoring his own language being an awful combination of many eastern languages. Anyone who wanted to learn it would probably run away before suffering such a thing.
A poof of smoke and 2 clones were in front of him.
Since he hadn't decided what to do yet they didn't know either so after humming he pointed at the first one.
"You! Go deal with Fakeharts room! Make sure there is no garbage there he plans to teach!" The clone nodded with a serious look on his face knowing the importance of his job.
"Now you! Go uh eh…." Naruto was stumped as he realized he had no clue why he summoned him.
Feeling embarrassed he quickly called the clone over before giving it a mean right hook.
Poof
"...b-boss?" The clone looked at the crazy original shaking in fear.
"Errr…just make sure not to get caught! Can't have any crazy magic people coming after me!" Changing the subject easily Naruto turned away with red cheeks stomping over to the door quickly.
Turning the handle his eyes widened when he realized he heard the stumbling of feet outside before his face turned horrified realizing the clone was right behind him.
Too late however as the door was already open and he looked down into startled brown eyes as they shook.
Nosey bushy girl and blonde haired menace gazed at each other as Naruto blocked the door with his body.
"...you…why are you here! Are you stalking me? You are, aren't you!? Weirdo!" Naruto screeched defensively.
The girl's meek face that obviously showed she knew she did wrong twitched as indignation quickly appeared.
"Excuse me! Stalking you! I'll have you know that the only weirdo here is the blonde boy who decided to lock himself in a classroom when class is in session! You'll ruin our first lesson with Gilderoy Lockhart!" She spoke trying to play off her snooping as she looked away standing up quickly.
"Hah?! What the heck does it have to do with you though?!" Naruto glared at the girl standing on his tiptoes when she did the same to glance inside.
The girl rested back down glaring, realizing she was a bit shorter before she bossily pushed her way inside.
"Maybe the fact that I felt grateful for your help last class and wanted to help you?!" She ducked under his arm trying to rush in to see who he was talking to before a hand gripped her forehead pushing her back.
"Eek!"
"Uh huh?! Likely story! Why the heck would I need your help here exactly?" Naruto quickly glanced back, sighing in relief before looking forward a bit more relaxed.
Rubbing her bum from where she fell the girl stood up with a frown as she glared at him.
"...do you even know where our class is?"
Naruto opened his mouth to quickly deny her blatant attempt but froze as his mouth shut with an audible snap.
"Uhh-"
She snorted.
"Thought so." Her busy hair whipping she quickly stomped off, clearly irritated as he felt a bit bad.
Just a bit though. He could tell she really was trying to eavesdrop but still he'd throw her a bone.
"You can look inside I guess." Her legs froze and with 0 decorum she immediately made a U turn and pushed her way in.
Clearly someone was ruled by their curiosity.
"Hah! I knew it...wait, it's empty?!" The girl's shoulders slumped as she busted inside looking around wildly, scrambling when she found nothing at all.
Disappointment clearly lining her tone she spoke "...but I could have sworn I had heard-"
She froze as a delicate grip laid on her shoulder. An evil smile donning his face, the girl gulped clutching her bag as the boy spoke in a sing-song tone.
"Heard? Why, I thought you weren't eavesdropping!" The boy cackled seeing the girl turn like a robot towards him.
"-ehm. So may I ask where did you meet Professor McGonagall to talk to her like that? You shouldn't speak to teachers like they're friends! It's improper to have such relations!" The clone on the ceiling clearly heard the awful topic change as they walked away.
"Improper really? Where did you learn that one?"
"...well I haven't read about it but it certainly seems correct from what I can infer! We are too young!"
"Eh? So you just…made it up? Lame."
"Wha-?! You! It's common sense!"
"Old people need friends too, you know! Are you denying them the chance to make friends just because they're old!? Damn, you know I actually thought you were cool…"
"No! Y-you are taking my words out of context! I am simply trying to inform you that-"
The clone chuckled hearing the girls blustering splutters knowing the original was winding her up real good.
Hearing the final echoes leave the clone dropped down quickly knowing he had to make haste. Luckily the original had a brain and asked the girl where the classroom was while she was here.
Though she had been more than a bit confused considering she was carrying him there she seemed more than happy to answer his question.
Quickly making his way there Naruto sprinted up the stairs without pausing, becoming a blur of motion to the untrained.
'Heheh whoops! Too far!' The boy dug his heels in the ground stopping his momentum before quickly making a U turn.
Pausing in front of the door with a loud sound of his feet sliding he looked up to the door before taking a deep breath in.
'Wait! Dammit, am I a ninja or not?!'
"Henge!"
Poof!
"Hmpf! Well at least this duck butt is good for something." It should be clear who the boy changed into as pale skin opened the door slowly and jet black eyes glanced inside the room.
"Ha! Bet he didn't think anyone would do this!" The boy didn't even tiptoe inside as he made a straight line towards the stack of papers.
Gripping half the bundle he quickly went over it making sure the man was a phony before he went all in.
….
…..
……..
"My god." The boy scanned the papers slowly, reading it all in horror feeling his heart palpitate in fear. He would never recover from what he was reading if he was honest.
Stretching out a shaking hand a peculiar scene was played out.
A particular Uchiha who shall not be named slowly formed a particular technique, his face twisted in an unnatural expression that would never dawn on his face.
Naruto held his hand as he slowly formed his underpowered rasengan in deep disgust wondering if he was sullying his jutsu with this task.
Slowly shredded or rather annihilated bits of paper dropped to the ground in a pile of dust before the boy pulled out his wand blowing it all away with the First Year charm Ventus.
Leaning on the table heaving like a pregnant woman, Naruto finally realized he made the wrong choice not pranking the man as soon as possible.
Now he would have to wait for another opportunity to get his ass!
'Nooooo!' He realized he couldn't get away as the questions bombarded his mind polluting his soul with trash.
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite spell?
How does Gilderoy Lockhart usually celebrate his achievements?
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's most prized possession?
How much do you love Gilderoy Lockhart?
What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite soap?
Who would you choose between your parents and Gilderoy Lockhart?
Would you vote for Gilderoy Lockhart as Minis-
Sniff*
Naruto paused from his fetal position. While he was feeling pain it certainly wasn't enough to make him cry…
Glancing from where he heard it his eyes widened seeing a cage with a cloth on it.
'What?' The clone quickly got up, approaching it, hearing it rattle before stopping.
"Does he have a pet?" Naruto spoke before impulsively lifting the fabric off as he paused in slight fright, then shock, then disgust.
"Why? Whyyyy?" Clone Naruto gripped his head about to pop himself seeing the quite frankly ugly little things curled up on the base of the cage sniffing crocodile tears.
When he said ugly the boy truly meant he hadn't ever seen something so hated by nature before.
Feeling the tears accumulating at what he was forced to witness the clone rubbed his face hoping he never gained awareness after he was popped.
Sadly every single clone was essentially the exact same person so he'd suffer this as long as he lived.
He, as in the original.
For a brief moment the clone was able to break through his set limits and contemplated killing his original to save them all before that thought was washed away.
Looking down at the whining little fella he sighed sticking his finger in seeing one take it with teary eyes.
'Well I guess they aren't all that bad. Why does he have these guys here anyway? Could it be-?' The clone quickly shook his head, deciding he needed to get the hell out as he turned his back with his job done.
Yet…
He glanced back at the whining…pixies? Yes he remembered a bit now. The whining pixies as they called out to him.
"I'm…going to regret this won't I?" The clone thought sweating as he quickly turned around heading straight back to the cage.
'Why hasn't he dispelled yet?! Is he still doing it? Or is the classroom protected?!' Naruto bit his finger in anxiety glancing around at the group of Gryffindors that he was following.
"Is something the matter? You seem terribly spooked by something." The snooty…er bossy…
'Man I'm mean!' The boy felt bad when he realized he had no other words to describe her voice as he answered.
"Ehm no. Just a bit nervous. This is still my first day you know?"
"Ah~ I understand. I felt awfully anxious on my first day here too. The jitters really. Being from a muggle family and having all this suddenly dropped onto me was quite terrifying. Of course I understood that I was a bit more than I had seemed when all the strange events started happening around me but to think I was a witch of all things! Plain old Hermione with dentists for parents! I would have never guessed that plain old me-"
A listening Naruto blinked watching as the girl's eyes dimmed and her face shut down, her mouth clamping shut.
'Hey I was watching that- I mean why did she stop?' He scratched his face seeing the girl walk stiffly.
Glancing up knowing they were coming up to the class soon he stopped her holding her shoulder.
She dodged it but still stopped glancing at him.
"You okay?"
She nodded quickly, clearly lying.
"Yes, don't worry. I can just get a bit carried away sometimes. I don't want to bore you. Sorry." She walked up quickly as Naruto stared at her strangely as she rejoined the red head and scraggly haired boys.
'...I'm going to need to help with this.' The boy had no clue what the problem was but he clearly saw the tightening in her eyes when she stopped talking.
Shaking his head of the thoughts he sped up having been the last in the class.
"Hmm?" Naruto raised an eyebrow seeing them gather around the door.
"What's going on?" He asked out loud hearing the chatters feeling anxious not knowing the outcome.
He was not answered.
His eyebrows twitching the boy started with the back of the little crowd of second years.
"Woah!" The first boy with a darker tone was lifted up easily and placed behind him.
Mowing through the kids quickly Naruto raised them up and placed them to the side getting an out of sync amount of squeals and panicked complaints as he made his way to the front not caring at all.
He just needed to see what his stupid clone did-!
'Shi-' Naruto eyes were wide looking around at the complete mess of a classroom. Everything was scattered…well everywhere, many tables and chairs flipped and even a window had a crack in it.
There was even a fist sized indent in the wall as well…
Gulping trying to make himself look innocent he was glad he had an alibi as he looked towards the frazzled man who was panicking digging up in the rubble.
"Just a minute my dear students! It would seem those dangerous creatures I had been protecting Britain from have escaped! No worries however! We shall have class momentarily!"
The man with visible shaking hands dug through the rubble, his face more than a bit panicked as his eyes darted to the destroyed classroom terrified.
"...errr if there are danger creatures released shouldn't you warn someone?" Naruto coughed as the man looked up with shining eyes.
As if he found a miracle.
"Yesss! Yes! You are completely right….what is your name!" He stood up quickly pushing his hand through his hair with a shaking smile.
Hearing the dreamy sigh Naruto along with 99 percent of the class looked towards the bushy haired girl.
Her cheeks turned crimson.
"It's Naruto…sir."
"Naluto! Perfect. Such an outstanding young man! Now here!" He quickly marched up to the boy as he leaned away and pushed a book in his hand patting his shoulder.
"Your courage indicates you have read my books a lot and have learned a great deal! So I will feel safe in allowing you to take over this class while I find help to hunt those dangerous beasts!" He inched out pushing aside the children as he smiled brightly, nearly blinding Naruto.
"Now class!" He spoke loudly, getting many "Huhs" from the children who couldn't keep up with the quick events.
"You listen to Naluto while I'm gone, okay!? I will know if you have been naughty! Don't disappoint me. Gilderoy Lockhart out!"
…
They heard the rapid steps that sounded suspiciously like someone running before their entire stunned bodies turned to an even more stunned Uzumaki who was holding the previously mentioned book.
Naruto glanced around the room before glancing at his housemates. Looking down at the book in his hands he thought for a bit before dropping it to the floor with a thud.
'Not how I planned this exactly but-' in a flash he pulled out his wand before any could react and with a loud incantation of "Flipendo" The door shut close with a heavy *thud* scaring the daylights out of the children.
Looking into the impressionable, startled eyes of his year mates Naruto smiled.
Finally some damn respect!
"The first thing we will be doing will be-
"Hmm." Clone Naruto touched the ceiling admiring the feel of it as he wondered how he got here.
"Down guys." He looked down at the pretty strong blue pixie things that were holding him up by his feet flying.
They quickly followed his command squeaking as they lowered him down to the ground obediently.
"Line up!"
The blue pixie scrambled at the loud voice bumping into each other before they finally found themselves in rows sitting before the great conqueror.
Clone Naruto looked down at the mini creatures wondering what the hell he would do with them.
He had obviously scrapped with these guys when he realized they had only faked being sad.
As soon as he opened the cage they immediately attacked him and broke free trying to escape.
Of course he had beat their asses right after without holding back. No one emotionally manipulated Naruto Uzumaki!
(A old man with a broken arm and a pipe filled with smoke coughed looking around wildly feeling his scalp tingle.)
The bruises and swollen cheeks on their faces was a testament to the ass whopping he laid down. They truly stood no chance though he was surprised at how strong they were for their size.
'What I don't understand is why they're so obedient? They seemed pretty wild before…' He thought not realizing just how severe he beat them down.
For you see the pixies had a bit of special magic working between them. Something humans would never find out if not specifically told.
Each of the Cornish pixie herd had a bit of what humans would call mind magic linking them together. Though it wasn't so simple.
However to make it simple the Cornish pixie species was one of the more mischievous fairy kind.
So they often got lost when it was time to get up to mischief, losing their entire pack in a single day. When they did, they of course died in short order due to annoyed predators.
So as they evolved like most beings they developed a bit of a linking magic that allowed them to find their way back to each other.
Now what did this have to do with anything?
Simple.
When the herd confronted the Uzumaki in a deadly battle they immediately realized they were outclassed. In the first second, 5 of their soldiers were down with a single hand swipe tragically sending them into a window.
Shivers down their tiny spines the pixies who couldn't think much still realized this was no ordinary stupid wizard.
So a tactical retreat was called.
Use their linking magic they scattered so at least some could get away.
That was where the nightmare began.
One by one they were each plucked out of the sky.
It didn't matter where they went, who they called for, or how much they struggled. No matter what crevice they hid inside, a hand always found them gripping them like a metal clamp.
They all fell the same.
This wouldn't be so bad if each pixie didn't witness every single attempt to flee and every single capture in brutal clarity.
He jumped like a nundu, ran like a hippogriff, gripped like a dragon and had the sight of an owl!
So thoroughly beaten by martial prowess instead of magic they bowed to the blonde conqueror hoping for grace.
For while the species had been bested physically before, death always awaited them right after.
So with the spark of intelligence they had? They bowed to the fae conqueror!
"@%%"@!" They screamed in unison as they pledged undying allegiance!
Naruto blinked watching the tiny things bow before him glowing bright blue.
'Man what the fu-'