Disclaimer: I own nothing
Harry Drugs The Potions Master
—-
9:15 AM
On a Thursday
Hogwarts, Scotland, U.K.
"Come on, Harry!" said Ron as they ran through the corridors.
"Ugh. Stupid England. Who ever heard of making kids go to school five days a week? Starting at 9:00 A.M.?! That shit should be illegal!" complained Harry.
"How'd they do it in America, then?" asked Ron.
"About one day every other week, starting around noon until either one of The Gang finished arguing with the principal or I threw something at a nerd," answered Harry, wistfully recalling the good ole days.
"I… don't think that's how it's supposed to work," said Ron skeptically as they came to the door of the classroom.
Harry shrugged. "What can I say? The American education system is broken. Is that my fault?"
"…Is it?"
By the time they got inside the classroom, everyone else was already in their seats. Hermione turned around to shoot them a judgemental glare. Professor McGonagall, however, was nowhere to be seen. Sitting on her desk was a silver tabby cat.
"Phew, she's not here yet," said Ron in relief. He took a few steps towards the empty desk before he realized Harry was no longer at his side. He turned around to see Harry staring at the cat.
"Err… everything alright there Harry?" asked Ron waving a hand in front of his face.
"I think that cat has my soul," responded Harry in a whisper.
Ron looked back and forth between the cat and Harry. "… Harry, what in the actual fuck are you talking about?"
"We're having a moment, see? It's looking directly into my eyes,"
Ron didn't even bother double-checking on this, instead just rolling his eyes. "You're so full of shit,"
Harry turned from the cat to scowl at his friend. "I'm starting to regret teaching you all those Goddamn curses,"
Ron laughed "Mate, I grew up with five older brothers. You didn't teach me anything new. I just haven't met anyone that uses them as much as you do."
"Excuse me-"
"Whatever, dude. I bet I know way more curses than you."
"Wanna bet? 5 galleons?"
"Misters Potter and-"
"You're on! Let's see, there's fa-"
"You will do no such thing!" snapped McGonagall loudly, causing both boys to jump. Harry's eyes darted around the room.
"Hang on, where's the cat? It has my soul!" panicked Harry.
McGonagall rolled her eyes, snapped back into a cat, and then back again to her human form. Harry calmed down, raising an eyebrow.
"So… you don't have my soul, right?"
"No, Mr. Potter, I can't believe I have to say this, but no human, animagus, or animal…"
Professor McGonagall trailed off as if the conversation reminded her of something. Harry and Ron exchanged glances as McGonagall's eyes widened.
"…Nagini!"
"What was that?" asked Harry, bewildered
McGonagall's eyes were still wide as she looked back at Harry. "… Ten points to Gryffindor, Mr. Potter."
"WHAT?!" screamed Hermione, jumping from her chair. Her face only got redder as she noticed Harry, Ron, Professor McGonagall, and the rest of the class staring at her. She slowly sat back down "Er, I mean… Why, Professor?"
"What? Oh. Nothing you need concern yourself with at the moment Miss Granger," McGonagall turned to Harry and Ron. "I trust neither of you need any further instruction to find your seats."
Harry and Ron claimed the empty table. Hermione continued to glare at the back of their heads. McGonagall approached her desk, pulled out her wand, and tapped the desk twice. The stunned first years watched as the desk morphed into a pig, and back into a desk just as quickly.
"That is just a small sample of the power of transfiguration when the spell is properly applied," McGonagall told the class. "Rest assured, you will not be expected to master that spell for quite some time. Now, if there aren't any questions-"
"Yeah," called out Harry, not waiting to be called on. "What do you do if the desk eats someone while in pig form?"
A few kids giggled at the absurdity of the question. A smaller number, such as Neville, simply seemed disturbed. Professor McGonnagal was prepared to yell at the boy, but Harry gave no hint that he was joking. He just sat there, waiting attentively for an answer.
"I… I can assure you that has never happened," promised Professor McGonagall.
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Are you sure? Because Frank once told me he's seen many pigs eat many men. It was a bloodbath!"
"… Five points from Gryffindor for that mental image,"
Draco licked his lips as he inspected the care package his parent's owl had just dropped in front of him. He glanced up and down the table, smirking as he saw no one else's gifts from home were quite as large as his own. He reached his hand out to unwrap it when he saw something out of the corner of his eye drop to the table. Whatever it had been had been too small to be a parcel or a letter. Draco covered his nose as a foul odor permeated his nostrils. The smell had stunned most of the surrounding students into silence just enough for Draco to hear a sort of squelching noise, followed by screaming from Pansy Parkinson. Before he knew it, the squelching noise was all around him.
The Slytherin table erupted in chaos as owl vomit and feces rained from above. The other students laughed as waves of students in emerald robes stained with white and brown fled from the hall, leaving their packages, lunches, and several books and bags all but forgotten. Harry and Ron high-fived at the Gryffindor table as several others cheered their success. Ron's older twin brothers, Fred and George, came striding over.
"That was bloody brilliant!" congratulated Fred.
"Not bad for your first week!" added George. "What did you give their owls anyway?"
Harry flicked out a note card, handing it to George. Fred leaned on his brother's shoulder, reading along. Both their eyes widened and their smiles grew as they read line by line.
"It's a special blend of laxatives and cleaning supplies we used to poison some frat boy dickwads that disrespected The Gang," explained Harry. "Had to adjust the recipe a bit to delay the reaction. Took some experimenting, and my new shoes were destroyed from all the owl shit, but the results were still badass,"
"Told you we'd find our real little brother one day, Fred," said George, looking at Fred as he stuffed the notecard into his robe.
"Don't blame me. Switching the babies was your idea!" shrugged Fred.
Fred and George continued to laugh as they left the Great Hall, leaving a dour Ron and an irate Harry.
"Goddamnit," Harry muttered. "That was my only copy,"
Hermione lowered her paper just enough for them to see her roll her eyes, and quickly raised it back up.
A letter dropped into Harry's hands. He looked up at his owl circling above and smiled "Thanks, Reggie Leach!"
"Who'd you get it from?" asked Ron. Harry looked down, saw the illegible scribble on the envelope, and frowned.
"Ugh, it's just from Charlie," he groaned in disappointment. "You know where the trash can is?"
Hermione threw down her newspaper. "Your relative took the time to write to you and you're just going to throw it in the trash?! That's horribly rude,"
"That's because he-" Harry's eyes lit up. "You know what Hermione? You're absolutely right!"
"I-I am?"
"She is?"
"Of course she is!" said Harry in a strange voice. He passed the letter over the table. "In fact, I think you should be the first one to read it!"
Hermione eyed the letter curiously, but shook her head. "Really, I shouldn't-"
"Nonsense!" dismissed Harry. "I insist,"
"Well… I am curious to find out how you wound up like…this," admitted Hermione as she snatched the letter. She tore open the envelope and began to read. As her eyes moved down the page, her look of curiosity was replaced by confusion and anger.
Deere Hairy,
Houu skol? Averedoby neyece? 8arr cil du gode. Kneee gaat nue kegerator.
No chaim uuidowt uue mes yeaio. Uuee trieyed drassig /\ tha Demi$s dal leyek yu. OO thiigs get me$E
OO uuear sew prouut off yu. YEaior jo du grate tinks, sew du.
Lof… X
She put down the letter, her left eye twitching.
"Still think that letter was worth reading?" asked Harry with a mocking grin.
Hermione looked uneasy. "Well… I still think it's sweet your… little brother took the time to write to you,"
Harry threw his head back. "Little brother?" he laughed. "Charlie's, like, forty or something."
Smoke came piping out of Hermione's ears. She stood up, crumpled the letter, and threw it in Harry's face.
"What's wrong with America?!" She seethed as she stormed off. A few other Gryffindors chuckled at her reaction. Harry took a glimpse down at the letter himself. He smiled and slid it into his pocket.
Once the Gryffindors got to the potion's dungeon, they began gossiping about Professor Snape.
"I heard he once played a bunch of Gryffindors in flip cup in an elaborate ruse to poison them!"
"I heard he took a student's cat and tossed it right into a cauldron of soup!"
"I heard someone say he used to be a priest until a Gryffindor witch gave him a love potion and got him hooked on drugs, and now he's out for revenge!"
"I'm sure Professor Snape isn't as bad as the upper years say," said Hermione with obnoxious optimism. "Professor Dumbledore hired him, after all. I'm sure that if we all work hard, show interest, and be respectful, we can show Professor Snape that Gryffindors aren't just - Harry, Ron, what do you think you're doing?!"
Harry had just screwed the lid off of a vial and Ron was about to put his nose inside of it when Hermione got their attention.
"Uh…" started Ron.
"Oh, we're smelling the potions, to see if any of them get us high," admitted Harry, completely unashamed.
"What the- Don't do that!" snapped Hermione in a panic. "That could be poisonous for all you know!"
"Yeah, well, there's just as good of a chance it'll get us seeing leprechauns," shrugged Harry, smiling to himself as Hermione gasped. Although, the idea of beginning the semester filled with poison was somewhat discouraging. "Yo, Neville, get over here!"
Neville scurried his way to the front. "Need something, Har-"
Before Neville could finish, Harry shoved the vial right under his nose. Neville's eyes widened for a second, and quickly relaxed as he swayed slightly. He started to grin.
"That smells funny… not bad funny, like, haha funny…haha…funny's a funny word," he giggled.
Hermione stared at the giddy boy dumbfounded, as Harry and Ron beamed.
"Oh, I've definitely gotta try this!" said Ron excitedly. He huffed in a deep whiff, cackled, and passed it to Harry. Harry was about to go next when Malfoy came storming over, his two minions close behind.
"Well, well, well," Malfoy chided with a smirk. "We aren't even a full week into first year, and the Gryffindors are already getting drunk on drugs!"
"If they didn't want kids huffing it, they wouldn't have left it out for us to get to," said Harry slowly, as if he was talking to a particularly slow five-year-old.
Draco scowled, but Crabbe shrugged.
"He has a point, kinda,"
"No, he doesn't!" snapped Draco and Hermione in unison. A few Gryffindors giggled as a few more Slytherins glared at the pair. Draco turned to Hermione, furious.
"Don't do that!" he barked.
"Do what?" asked Hermione.
Draco stomped his foot. "Agree with me! Do you have any idea how much ridicule I've endured over accidentally defending-"
"-Jinx!" exclaimed Ron.
Draco, Hermione, and Harry all turned to Ron. Crabbe and Goyle were still staring ahead blankly, while Neville was far more fascinated with waving his hand in front of his own face.
"What was that, Ron?" asked Harry, nonplused.
Ron said nothing for a bit. The three others just looked at each other and him awkwardly for a minute until Ron spoke again.
"Th-They just said the same thing, so I said jinx,"
Hermione lowered her jaw. Harry shook his head. Draco went pink.
"Bloody hell, Weasley!" he snapped. "That was like three minutes ago!"
"Huh, this thing has an interesting effect…" said Harry, swirling the vial in his hand "But why wouldn't you two agree? You're both nerds."
"-What's wrong with that?-" challenged Hermione.
"-That's not true!-" shouted Draco. His anger temporarily dissipated as he let out a sigh of relief when Hermione said something different.
Harry addressed Hermione first. "You're smart enough to know exactly what's wrong with it,"
Before Hermione could angrily rebuke him, he turned to Malfoy. "And of course you're a nerd. All Slythetins are,"
Draco was about to have a conniption, but before he could act Crabbe angrily pushed forward.
"I'll show you we're not nerds!" growled Crabbe, snatching the potion's vial from Harry's hand. "Would a nerd do this?"
Before anyone could stop him, Crabbe took in a deep whiff of the potion.
"Oh yeah!" he laughed triumphantly. "Who's the nerd now, Potter?"
"You're staring at me, you dolt!" hissed Draco, face in his palm as Harry laughed and Hermione fought off a giggle.
Goyle's eyes lit up. "Uh, don't worry! I can prove the… the point or whatever it is we're doing,"
He grabbed the vial from Crabbe and took a whiff.
"Swweeeeet!"
"Hey, I didn't finish making my point!" grunted Crabbe angrily, ripping the glass from Goyle's hand.
"Your point was stupid!" yelled Goyle, grabbing at the potion as Crabbe hugged it tightly to his chest, maneuvering it away from Goyle.
"Hey, I didn't get any of it yet!" shouted Harry, joining the fracas. He was significantly shorter and skinnier than the other two, but had no qualms about stomping on their feet. He would have been able to grab the potion if it hadn't been for Ron and Neville, who had begun coming down, joining the melee and adding to the chaos. A few other students began to egg them on as Hermione and Draco watched dumbstruck.
"What is happening?" asked Draco, shaking his head.
The door to the classroom swung open. In stormed Professor Snape, who looked angry before he even realized what was going on. A murderous scowl was all he needed to send the seven in the front running to the empty desks.
"There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class…" Snape began, flicking his hand at a piece of chalk that began spelling out 'Professor Severus Snape' on the board. A few students jotted down notes, others nodded along trying to seem engaged. Harry, however, simply glared and wondered what were the odds this jabroni would have the same name as the guy who had supposedly tossed him in a dumpster as a baby.
"Potter!" yelled Snape. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?".
"Shut up, science bitch!" snapped Harry.
In an almost unprecedented moment of cross-house unity, both sides of the classroom held their collective breath for a moment before bursting into laughter. Even Draco of all people had fallen out of his chair. Professor Snape seemed to care little about what the other students were doing, however. His eyes were ablaze, transfixed on Harry,
"ONE THOUSAND POINTS FROM-"
Snape was interrupted by a light but distinct knock at the door of the classroom. Everyone turned just in time to see Professor Dumbledore opening the door and striding into the classroom.
"Good afternoon, students," Dumbledore said with a smile as he looked around the classroom. Harry noticed a lot of his classmates were staring at Dumbledore with the same sort of awe that was normally reserved for him. "Please excuse the interruption. I'm sure you are all very eager to start brewing your first potions. However, there is one small matter that I must address with Professor Snape in his office,"
Professor Snape raised an eyebrow. He stood still for a moment before shooting a final glare at Harry.
"We will address your outburst later," he said forebodingly.
Harry just smirked as Snape stormed towards the office door on the far side of the room, Dumbledore following in his wake. Before entering the office, however, Dumbledore turned around to give Harry a wink.
"What was that all about?" asked Ron.
"I'm… I'm not sure," said Harry. "But I have a feeling I'm off the hook,"
"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Hermione. "You called a teacher a… I'm not even going to repeat it! There's no way you're 'off the hook,"
"What do you mean, let him off the hook?!"
Dumbledore looked surprised but kept his smile. "I didn't say that. All that I said was you shouldn't punish young Mr. Potter for his earlier outburst."
"That's what letting off the hook means!" said Snape, exasperated.
Dumbledore arched his eyebrows. "… It is? Huh. I may need to freshen up on my lingo. Which reminds me, I came down here to ask if I'm using the term 'hella' correctly, or-"
"Well, you haven't been using it, so that's a good start," answered Snape. "You do know that his behavior will only worsen as time goes on, correct? Just like his fath-"
"On the contrary, Severus!" Dumbledore clasped Snape's shoulder. "I want you to set a positive example for the lad by showing restraint and grace. In due time, I'm sure he will come to emulate such behavior,"
"B-but he called me a science bitch!" sputtered Snape.
"Yes… quite right… that behavior cannot be-" Dumbledore snorted. "-You know what? I'm sorry. I can't even pretend to be upset. It's too funny,"
"Stop laughing!" the younger Professor demanded. Snape glared as the old man choked down his laughter. "Are you seriously suggesting I ignore the boy's blatant disregard for basic rules and acceptable behavior?"
"Well Severus," Dumbledore tightened his grip on the younger man's shoulder, and adopted a more foreboding stance. "Unless you want to talk about how the lad supposedly wound up in a dumpster instead of being properly handed off to his guardians, I would advise you show the boy some grace,"
Snape's eye widened. He opened his mouth to object, but shut it again just as briefly. After a few frustrating moments, Snape let out a deflated sigh. "Very well. I'll be… civil,"
Dumbledore's regular cheery expression returned, even as Snape turned green. "Splendid! Well, come now. No need to keep the students waiting,"
Harry and Hermione were the first pair to finish their potion. They worked surprisingly well together, save for a minor disagreement on how thinly to cut the dried nettle.
"PEOPLE WILL CHOKE! PEOPLE. WILL. DIE!" screamed Hermione.
"I WILL STICK MY THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE!" threatened Harry, raising his thumb menacingly.
"IT DOESN'T GODDAMN MATTER!" screeched Snape, hands clasping his temples. Normally, he'd have a dry, clever put down for two unruly Gryffindors, but listening to their screaming had driven the wit right out of him. "JUST… SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"But I-"
"She was-"
"Oh Merlin, I do not care!" interjected Snape, dropping down into his seat. He reached into his desk, pulling out a glass bottle of what appeared to be whiskey. He lifted the bottle to pour it into the glass only to pause halfway, mutter something to himself, and take a large swig straight from the source. After he finished, he took a deep breath, and looked up with a grimace "Ten points from Gryffindor!"
"What f-" Harry quickly ducked out of the way of the oncoming glass of sea urchins that went whizzing past his head. "-alrighty then!"
When Snape finally came around to check on their potion, he had a snide smirk.
"Well, it's not surprising that…" he trailed off, raising an eyebrow as he looked down at the concoction. He leaned in to take a whiff, and his face paled.
"What the… Longbottom, get over here!"
Neville, who had been whimpering in the corner ever since his potion quite literally blew up in his face, covering him in unseemly boils and sores, scurried over.
"Y-yes, Professor-" was all he could manage to whimper out before Snape dumped the cauldron on his head. Harry and Hermione flinched back. By the time Neville's face was visible, however, his skin had completely cleared. Neville slowly raised his hand to his cheek and smiled as he rubbed his face.
"Wow, thank you so m-"
"I didn't give you permission to speak!" snapped Snape. "Five points from Gryffindor! Now, back to your desk!"
Neville gulped and ran around to his seat. Snape turned back to Harry and Hermione, scowling.
"Five points from Gryffindor for… obviously cheating,"
"You think little miss Goody Two Shoes would let me cheat, idiot?" snapped Harry.
Snape sneered at the girl. "Anything to say for yourself, Miss Granger?"
Hermione's opened her mouth, and for a moment Harry almost pitied the grease stain of a teacher for the shrill nagging he was about to endure. However, Hermione quickly shut her mouth and cast her gaze down at the ground. Harry looked at her bewildered while Snape gave the smallest indication of a smirk.
"Very well. Five points each for cheating," said Snape, sounding so close to being happy that Harry wanted to throw up. As he strode away, Harry turned to Hermione with a glare
"What the hell was that?" asked Harry angrily. "Forget how to talk all of a sudden?"
Any trace of meekness vanished as Hermione scowled "You're the reason he was mad in the first place!"
Harry scoffed. "Oh yeah right, like I'm the one who forced him to bathe in a cold deep fryer. Why didn't you tell him we didn't cheat?"
Hermione looked away. "I'm… I'm not like you, alright? I couldn't just tell a teacher he was wrong!"
Hermione braced herself for Harry to say something cruel and obscene. Instead, Harry just sighed.
"My advice? Don't let people who are beneath you walk all over you. Otherwise, you'll get stuck answering to savages and idiots for the rest of your life."
Hermione blinked at Harry. Her eyes were wide, almost like the boys had been when they huffed the potion. She said something quietly.
"What was that?" asked Harry
"You… did a… decent job," said Hermione more clearly. She seemed surprised to hear the words leave her mouth. "I thought you were going to just make me do all the work, to be honest,"
"Normally, I would," admitted Harry. "But this shit's in my wheelhouse,"
"What do you mean?" asked Hermione, so curious she didn't even take offense at Harry's use of profanity. "Were you interested in chemistry in your old school?"
"What? No, to hell with that nerd bullshit. I'm talking mixology,"
"Mix… beg your pardon?"
"I've been making drinks since before I could reach the bar," explained Harry. "I'm the only one who can whip up a goddamn decent mixed drink in the Gang. Well, Frank can, but he tends to mix it with his Toe Knife, so I usually avoid-"
"His what?"
"A knife, but for gunk in your toes," explained Harry
"O-okay…" stammered Hermione, getting a little green. "I'm going to circle around if any of the others need help… care to join me?"
Harry was taken aback by the offer but shook his head. "Nah. I think I have an idea for some… extra credit,"
Hermione frowned but turned away. Harry had just pulled up the chapter on cures for headaches when Hermione stopped halfway, spinning around on her heels.
"When you say…. usually avoid, you mean-"
"-Well, I'm not going to say no to a free drink," shrugged Harry.
Hermione wrinkled her nose. "Oh my God!"
"Well, the alcohol kills off most of the germs, so-"
"Please, say less," urged Hermione, rapidly losing her newfound respect for Harry.
"Well, you asked,"
"I know. And I regret it," said Hermione, turning away. Harry shrugged and went to work.
He finished the potion just as class was being dismissed. He was pouring the concoction into a jar when Ron tapped his shoulder.
"You coming?" asked Ron. Harry responded by shaking his head and waving the jar in his face. Ron raised an eyebrow.
"Guard the door," whispered Harry with a mischievous grin. Ron grinned as well, nodded, and headed towards the exit. Harry went towards Professor Snape, whose head was in his hands at his desk. "Hey there, Snape,"
Snape picked his head up and glared. "That's Professor Snape to you,"
"Hmm… I don't think so," said Harry flippantly. Before Snape could take away more points, he continued. "Looked like you had a bit of a headache, so I made a bit of Headache Drought,"
"It's Draught,"
Harry perked his head up. "You have beer?"
"What?!"
Harry shook his head "Meh, one thing at a time. But anyway, I made this for you,"
Professor Snape looked at the bottle. The color and the cloudiness was certainly correct, at least if the textbook was accurate. Still, Snape eyed it with suspicion, even as one of his hands went back to rubbing his temple. Harry poured out a small glass for himself and raised it up to Snape.
"Down the hatch!" toasted Harry before drinking it like a shot.
Snape observed him as if he was anticipating the boy would keel over on the spot. After a minute, Snape stood up, grabbed the bottle, and stood over Harry.
"I don't know what game you're trying to play, Potter," sneered Snape before chugging the rest of the potion. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and raised a finger. "But I shall tell you now: there shall be no gaining of my favor,"
Harry just blinked, his smile unchanged. Snape made to walk away but didn't make it more than a step before his skin paled and he stood in place, his body swaying slightly like a scarecrow in a windstorm.
"Uh oh, Professor," said Harry in mock surprise. "It seems you've grown quite weary,"
"I-I'm fine," Snape declared indignantly, although his facial expression exposed the lie. "It's j-just…I f-feel… what is h-happening?"
"Oh, that probably has something to do with all the pills I mixed into the potion." guessed Harry
Snape's eyelids were far too drooped to truly widen, but Harry could see the surprise in them nonetheless.
"B-bu-buut," slurred Snape, clasping the table for support as he lazily shook his head from side to side. "N-nooo. Yooouu druuuuunk theeee-"
Harry smirked. "Oh, I can handle my sedatives. Don't you worry about me, Syphilis."
Severus's knees started to buckle. He was using the last of his strength to sneer at the boy.
"I'mmmmmmm gonnnnnnaaaaa-"
"-Wake up in your office tomorrow with a day-old newspaper at your door, with no memory of any of this. Good guess!" grinned Harry.
Snape's jaw slacked open as he lowered himself to the floor. "Whhhhhhhyyyy-"
"Whhhhhhhyyyyyyy?" Harry imitated mockingly, looking down at his teacher. "Becaaaaauuuusssseeee fffffffuuuuuuuck yyooouuuu!"
Snape's eyelids had barely drooped shut when Harry started dragging him by his feet towards the office/laboratory where Dumbledore and Snape had been talking earlier. Even though Harry had prior experience throwing passed-out members of The Gang into relatively comfortable positions while they were passed out, he saw no reason to give Snape the same standard of care. So when Snape immediately fell face first down on the desk in front of the chair Harry propped him in front of, Harry rolled his eyes. He grabbed the Professor by the hair when he noticed a photograph of two teenagers on the desk. He unceremoniously let Snape fall face first again as he looked closer at the pair. One had greasy black hair and barely had their lips curled upwards, while the other's hair was a stark red, and had a brilliant smile.
"Holy shit…" said Harry aloud, grabbing the photograph. "…Why does he have a photo of the chicks from the Breakfast Club?"
He tossed the photograph aside and turned to the door, which he noted had four other pictures on it, each with varying numbers of darts thrown into them. Two of them seemed passingly familiar, but Harry didn't look closely enough to tell from where. And honestly, he couldn't imagine caring about the answer anyway.
As he exited, he looked to the guest at the front of the classroom, wondering whether Snape had any more hooch stashed away in there. What he did not expect, however, was to see Draco Malfoy already kneeling over and rummaging through it.
"What the hell are you doing?" asked Harry.
Draco hopped up so fast he banged his head on the desk.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed, clasping his head with both hands, one of which contained a roll of parchment. He seethed as he looked at Harry "Damnit, Potter! What are you-"
"How the hell did you get in here, Malfoy? Where's Ron?" demanded Harry pointedly, brushing aside Malfoy's injury.
Malfoy scowled, lowering his arms. "Who wants to know?"
Harry reached into his robe, scowling back. "If you did anything to Ron, I swear to God-"
"I waited until he left to take a piss, honest!" said Malfoy cowardly, raising his hands over his eyes just in case.
Harry lowered his hand and let out an aggravated sigh.
"That idiot," he muttered to himself. "So, what are you up to?"
Malfoy scoffed. "That's none of your con- hey!"
Harry yanked the scroll out of Malfoy's hands and quickly unraveled it.
"First Year Exam Answer Sheet" he read aloud before lowering the scroll. "Holy shit, this guy's making the exams a full year in advance? He needs to get laid,"
Draco covered his mouth with a cough. Harry could've sworn he saw the corners of his mouth rise, but it quickly went back to his regular scowl.
"Whatever you think it is that I'm doing-"
"Looks like you're stealing a copy of the answer sheet so you can transcribe it before he knows it's missing," finished Harry.
Malfoy paled further "Uh…"
"Well, then you're an idiot," said Harry disappointedly.
"What did you just call me, orphan?!" flared Malfoy.
"You're an idiot," repeated Harry, not even a hint of offense in his voice. "If you just take the first year exam, he'll know it was a first year. But If you take all of them, he'll have no idea where to start looking, be less inclined to want to go through the trouble of changing all the exams AND you get to sell the other six for a profit,"
Draco's eyes lit up, briefly transforming from gray to silver. After some brief musing, he looked at Harry suspiciously.
"And I suppose you'll be wanting a cut of these profits?"
"...Well, I am now!" grinned Harry.
Draco let out an annoyed grunt and stomped his foot. He looked like he was going to throw a tantrum, which Harry was very much looking forward to witnessing. Unfortunately for him, Malfoy eventually tilted his head up towards the ceiling. He took a deep breath and returned to meet Harry's gaze far calmer than before.
"Alright. We both share the first-year answers. I'll take the money from selling the fifth- and seventh-year exams, and you'll get the rest…"
Harry tried his best not to laugh. Did this jabroni realize he was just giving Harry the profits from four exams while leaving only two left for himself? Either way, he got got!
"… and we agree to let bygones be bygones." gulped down Draco, looking like he may hurl from the suggestion.
Harry raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
"My father always says, 'Never let bad feelings get in the way of good business,'" said Draco robotically.
"Does your old man always speak in riddles like some sort of jackass?" asked Harry.
"All the ti- I don't need to explain him to you!" snapped Draco. "Look: I've seen how you behave. You have no respect for anyone. You take nothing seriously. You wander around unburdened by the impact your impulsive and shortsighted actions have on anyone else. You lack any sense of honor whatsoever… and I want in,"
"So, wait, you want to squash the beef?" asked Harry incredulously
Draco made a face "What is that? A sex thing?"
"What the- NO! Dude, gross!" spat Harry in disgust. "It means just settle the feud,"
"Ohhh," said Malfoy, visibly relieved. "Yes, then. Think about it. Between the two of us, we could run this school long before we've even taken our OWLS!"
Harry weighed the offer carefully. Sure, Malfoy was annoying and pretentious, but he was also rich. Yes, he could just stick him up every now and then as he had on the train, but it would be far easier to rob him blind by manipulating him rather than intimidating him. Furthermore, Malfoy seemed incredibly stupid. Harry almost salivated thinking of all the dumb shit he could trick him into, no questions asked. Yes, a friendship with Malfoy would be beneficial indeed. Just like when the Gang-
The Gang. Harry clenched his fists
"Apologize," demanded Harry. The word felt foreign to his mouth.
The word sounded just as strange to Malfoy if his confused expression was anything to go off of.
"What? For the crack about you being an orphan?"
"Huh. No, I could give a shit about that!" rebuffed Harry. "I'm talking about that crap you said about the Gang!"
"What gang?" asked Draco.
"My family!" snapped Harry, getting sick of explaining things to Malfoy.
Draco looked at him confused "The Muggles?"
"Yes! You called them filth!"
Draco was absolutely dumbstruck.
"You want ME… to APOLOGIZE…to MUGGLES?!" asked Draco, indignant fury growing with each word.
Harry nodded, crossing his arms. "They're my family. And each one of them is worth about ten of you,"
Draco was shaking with rage at this point.
"You know, there's a term for wizards that side with Muggles against their own kind," spat Draco. "They're called blood traitors."
Harry had seen Lethal Weapon 2 enough times to recognize the tone Malfoy used. His grip around the scrolls tightened.
"We have a word for people like you in Philly, too," growled Harry. "We call 'em cocksuckers."
Draco rolled his eyes. "First of all, people say that everywhere-
"-To you? I don't doubt it-"
"-and secondly-"
Draco made a snatch for the answer scroll. Harry shoved him to the floor, unraveled the scroll, and crammed it in his mouth.
"No!" yelled Draco, picking himself up. But it was too late, Harry was already chewing on the parchment. "You-you- that- OH, MERLIN DAMN IT!"
In a moment of childlike insolence, Draco swept his arm across the desk, knocking over several jars of ingredients. Unfortunately for him, a jar of porcupine quills shattered on his foot. Harry couldn't help but laugh as the blond boy hopped around cursing and wailing on one foot as the other shoe was filled with quills and broken glass.
Unfortunately, the parchment had proved to be far thicker than a typical piece of paper. He felt the air block off as part of the parchment lodged in his windpipe. No relief came, no matter how much he coughed and pounded his chest.
"Nndd wttrr!" Harry gargled out.
Draco looked up from his ruined shoe and injured foot and hissed. "Oh yeah, well I'm not getting you shit, you son of a bitch!"
"Thrrw- wwtt, hhw ddd yyy knnw whtt mm ssyng?!"
"My house elves choke themselves all the time," explained Draco coldly. His eyes widened slightly. "Oh, shit. You're choking aren't you?"
Harry nodded rapidly. Draco's body seemed to freeze. His face flashed with worry, then glee, then hesitation, and finally landing on indifference. Harry's vision began to blur. He stumbled towards Draco, hoping to at least bring the prat down with him before he was inevitably thrown in the trash. Before he could make it over, he felt a strong force hit him square in the gut. The pain was almost unbearable, but he at least felt air re-enter his lungs when he inhaled. His vision began to clear just in time to see Draco frantically wiping off his robes and face. He could see chunks of parchment (among other things) scattered across the floor. He looked up to see Percy Weasley standing in the doorway, wand in hand. Behind him stood a crowd of stunned-looking fifth years, all holding textbooks and cauldrons. Past them, Harry could see Ron walking out of the bathroom. When Harry made eye contact with him, he looked like a deer caught in headlights upon observing the scene. Still in a sort of shock, Ron slowly raised his arm and waved. Harry flipped him off. Ron nodded, acknowledging it was called for.
"What in the hell happened here?!" demanded Percy.
Harry and Draco both pointed at each other.
"It was him!" they shouted in unison.
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