Finding my way home

by sombaf

I close the door and lean against it for a moment before shaking my head and climbing the stairs to my bathroom to enjoy that well-deserved and long-awaited bath. As I sip my glass of red wine, my thoughts wander back to Jane. Again, there are these feelings that I simply can't name and this almost irresistible urge to do something. But what? For what? Against what? Why?

18. Chapter 17

Chapter XVII

(Jane)

I lean forward over the sink and splash ice-cold water onto my face with both hands.

It's been two weeks.

Two weeks where I haven't slept more than three hours a night. Two weeks where I've snuck into the hospital every night to sit by the bed of the person I love, only to slip out just as quietly.

I sigh and prop myself up with both hands on either side of the mirror, staring at my pale face and dark circles under my eyes. A glance at the clock tells me it's time for another one of my nightly visits. I pull on the gray, tight-fitting shirt and the blue jeans I snagged at a sale a few days ago. My black Converse are worn out, and I'm reminded once again how desperately I need a job. I pull the hood of my jacket over my head and silently leave the house. One step at a time.

(Maura)

I wake up to the steady beeping of the monitor recording my heartbeat. My vision is blurred, breathing is difficult, my head is pounding, and I feel as if I've been hit by a truck.

What happened? Where am I?

I squint my eyes, trying to sharpen my still cloudy vision. My neck is in a brace, making it nearly impossible to move my head. Clearly, I'm in a hospital, and judging by the lighting, it seems to be nighttime.

The few seconds of wakefulness have already exhausted me, and I close my eyes again with an unhappy sigh.

I hear someone open the door to my room and briefly consider whether it's worth the effort to open my eyes just to see the night nurse. No, announcing my awakening tomorrow seems sufficient.

Suddenly, I'm surrounded by a familiar lavender scent and feel a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"Hi beautiful."

That voice. That deep, raspy voice, even if only a whisper, I would recognize it among hundreds – no, thousands.

I feel her brush my hair aside to give me a gentle kiss on the temple.

Emotions flood through me in waves. Love, hate, sadness, despair, comfort. I hear my heart betray me, revealing my condition with the accelerated beeping of the monitor. I love medicine, but right now I curse the capabilities of the 21st century.

"Maura?"

I can hear the panic in her voice. I hear her shallow, quick breaths. I feel the warm, gentle breeze on my face every time she exhales. Seconds pass without Jane moving. Should I open my eyes now that my heartbeat has calmed a bit?

"I miss you, Maura. Please, please wake up."

She kisses my forehead again before resting her forehead against mine.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you so much. Please, Maur', please wake up. I love you."

I can feel her lips hovering just millimeters above mine as the salty rivulets of her tears gather at the corners of my mouth.

Slowly, I open my eyes and can see more clearly than before. Jane's forehead is still resting on mine, her eyes squeezed shut, her tears making her tanned face glisten in the gentle starlight. She's beautiful.

Without thinking, I catch Jane's full lips in a feather-light kiss. I love the combination of the saltiness of her tears and her unique taste.

Oh God, how I've missed her. How did I survive five months without this warm feeling of comfort and love that now flows through my body so gently yet so intensely?

(Jane)

It's a clear night, and I open the curtains a bit to let the light of the full moon into Maura's room. For a moment, I look out the window and smile. She loves the stars and can name almost every constellation imaginable.

I approach her bed and kiss her gently on the forehead.

"Hi beautiful."

As almost every night, I run my fingers through her blonde curls and kiss her on the temple before intending to sit in the visitor's chair at the edge of her bed.

The suddenly accelerating heartbeat makes me panic for a moment.

"Maura?" I can hear the anxiety in my voice and freeze in my bent-over position above Maura.

Slowly, the monitor's beeping calms down, and my tension eases. I feel myself starting to lose control, tears streaming from my eyes.

"I miss you, Maura. Please, please wake up."

I squeeze my eyes shut in a hopeless attempt to stop the increasingly strong salty flow now streaming endlessly down my cheeks. I kiss her forehead again, lingering a few seconds longer than necessary before resting my forehead gently against hers.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you so much. Please, Maur', please wake up. I love you."

I would give anything to drown in those beautiful hazel eyes one more time. I curse my inability to seize any of the many chances Maura gave me. How could I have been so stupid?

The moment I feel the soft touch of her lips on mine, I open my eyes. Am I dreaming?

"Maura?"

Just seconds ago, the fulfillment of my wish seemed almost impossible, and now I'm looking into those very eyes.

"Maura!"

I'm torn between the urge to cry uncontrollably and the urge to laugh uncontrollably, so I choose the simplest option: I laugh while the floodgates fully open. I rest my forehead on hers again, releasing all the pent-up emotions from the past days.

Only when I feel the gentle, insistent pressure of her fingertips on my neck do I bend down further. I don't want to close my eyes, fearing I'll lose sight of a wakeful, smiling Maura again.

"I missed you."

I kiss her, without haste or greed. Gentle and reassuring. I let my fingers glide over her cheeks, down her neck, over her slender body, down to her thighs, as if to assure myself she's really here. When I reach her hand again, I intertwine our fingers.

"I love you, Maura Isles."

(Maura)

I pull her closer to me with the little strength I have left in my arm and smile into the kiss she finally gives me. The few seconds our lips were apart felt like an eternity. How long have I waited to kiss her again?

We touch each other in as many places as possible, staying in our position, lips on lips, fingers of her right hand intertwined with mine, her left hand next to my head, her forehead against mine.

I'm tired, but one question won't let me rest.

"...happened?" My throat is dry, and the first part of my sentence is inaudible. I clear my throat a few times, and Jane reaches for the water bottle to give me a few drops.

I look at her questioningly again, seeing the uncertainty in her eyes. It's as if she's pondering what and how much she can and should tell me.

"Everything, Jane."

The tiredness and my hoarse voice make my tone sound harmless despite the firmness of my demand.

"What do you remember?"

I think for a moment and close my eyes. I feel Jane squeeze my hand encouragingly.

"Maybe you should get some sleep, Maura…"

Again, that uncertainty, as if she wants to change the subject.

"No. What happened?"

"Well... you had a car accident?" Hesitant, questioning. Then, before I can open my mouth properly, she seems to recognize the rising anger in my expression and gives me a detailed account of what happened and the injuries I sustained.

Surprised by Jane's detailed knowledge of my injuries, I raise an eyebrow before adding somewhat mischievously, "Did you Google it?"

"I…" she looks down, embarrassed, and this time I squeeze her hand.

"Yes, I did."

"I love you, Jane."

She gives me that smile for which I would give my life, and at that moment, I realize I have never personally said those magical three words to Jane before.

(Jane)

"I love you, Jane."

The realization that Maura has never verbally confessed her love to me hits us almost simultaneously, and I feel my mouth involuntarily stretch into a wide smile.

The alarm on my watch abruptly interrupts our moment of intimacy, signaling it's time to leave. It's time to return to my world and explain the less pleasant aspects of our lives to Maura.

"I... I have to go now, Maura."

"Please stay, Jane."

How I wish I could grant her request and never leave her side. I close my eyes and sigh.

"I can't, honey."

Her questioning, disappointed look almost breaks my heart and my resolve.

"Maura, you can't tell anyone I was here, okay? I've left Casey and reported him. I'm currently living in a secret, protected house until the trial is over and he's locked away for a long time. And you're with JayJay, Maura. It's all not as simple as we'd like it to be."

I spoke so quickly that I nearly tripped over my own tongue. Maura stares at me with wide eyes.

My watch beeps again urgently, and I realize I really don't have much time before the nurses change shifts and I'm caught.

I give her one last kiss on the lips and whisper, barely audible, "I love you, Maura. And I'll do everything to be with you. Just give me a little more time."

Just before I slip out of the room, I add, "I'll come back tomorrow, I promise."

(Maura)

Before I can respond to Jane's torrent of confessions, she leaves my room with the promise to visit me again the next night. I immediately miss her warmth and closeness.

I sigh, both unhappy and dissatisfied, and add amnesia to my list of ailments. The last thing I remember is running into Jane and Casey at the mall and JayJay inviting them to dinner. After that, I remember nothing. A big black hole where my memories should be. I'm with JayJay? Jane has left Casey and is living in a safe house? What else have I missed? How long was I comatose?

Suddenly, overwhelming fatigue hits me so quickly that I can hardly form a single clear thought before I fall back asleep.