Shall Be Humbled

"Hi, I'm Regina, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Regina," everyone sitting facing the podium greeted the black woman.

Regina looked around the room a bit before explaining, "For a long time, I really thought I'd never have to say those words again." She took in a breath and looked straight ahead at the people as she told them, "Some of you already know my story, for those of you who don't, a condensed version is this: I was a money manager, I embezzled three and a half million dollars from my clients, got caught, I got sober right before my arrest, got convicted, sent to prison, while there I got saved and it completely changed my life. What happened next was a miracle, I got an early release, I got a great job, I got to be with my son again, I felt on top of the world. I was absent from these meetings for a long time while I continued working on me, and I thought that the Lord had cured me of my alcoholism. I got to where I could have a glass of wine with dinner, work-related, social outings, it was really no big deal, it was just nice to be able to have a drink again, and not be obsessed with getting the next one."

She paused before continuing, "The night of my first AA meeting, it was the first time in 17 years I got through the night without having a drink. Now, for those of you having trouble with the math, yes," she nodded her head not proudly, "I drank throughout my pregnancy, steadily...back then I convinced myself that the wine helped me with the morning sickness and the nausea...didn't really occur to me at the time I'd be throwing up less without the alcohol...but somehow, thank the Good Lord, my son was born perfectly normal and healthy. That should've been a wake up call for me, but it wasn't. Once I didn't have to worry about anything I was using affecting my son, I drank harder liquor, got into drugs," she shook her head, "my one saving grace is that I was able to keep it from my son, he never had to see me like that, so he actually had fond memories of me growing up, the times I was actually home. A lot of times I'd say I was working late...and sometimes I was, figuring out how to steal money from my clients, enough to give me a little cushion but not enough that they'd immediately notice missing." She huffed, "how many second chances can one person get? Seems like my luck should've run out long ago. Then I realize it wasn't luck, it was God. And once I got saved, my life got so much better, I thought, 'This is it', you know? Whatever happens from here, I've got God on my side, I can do no wrong." She pursed her lips together and grew more somber. "That's what I thought anyway. It's real easy when things are going good to forget there's still a struggle and a lot of hard work involved. You convince yourself that that part of your life is over...until it isn't."

Regina paused and sucked in a tense breath, then resumed, "A while back, my friends who helped me to get sober, bless their hearts, tried to do an intervention on my part because they were worried about me...and I didn't respond to it the best way I could've. And they'll tell you...I made a big deal about I didn't need AA anymore, because I was cured, I had it all under control, I had so much time without the meetings to get other stuff done...all the while, I started drinking a little more each day." She seemed to regain a little more of her self confidence as she glanced around and shook her head, "I never drank enough to be drunk, never got impaired, so I don't count it as I ever lost my sobriety...but I realized I was getting dangerously close to it, and when I realized that, it scared the hell out of me. Getting sober, and getting saved, are actually a lot alike. It's a journey that ultimately you have to make alone because nobody else can do it for you, but you also realize the way it's supposed to work is that you have other people like you, who've been where you've been, who can help you as you make your way along, to help you, and in turn along the way you can be there to help someone else who's in your same position. They're also alike in that the temptations never really go away. You get this image that once you put in the initial work, that's it, you're set for life, it's hard to grasp the concept in that moment that this is going to be a lifelong struggle to do what we know is right. We're supposed to exercise our will power and self control and abstain from things that we want to do, even though we know they're not good for us, because it's easy, it feels good, and it's easy enough to think 'what harm can it do?' Well that story's as old as time, remember Eve and the serpent? He slithered up and went 'Hey Eve, I ain't got any arms, you know I can't try anything with you...ooooooh, don't that fruit look good? Why don't you pick one for us? See? Nothing bad happened, it was a lie. Ooh, it looks so good, why don't you just taste it? What could possibly go wrong?' Famous last words, right? And man, don't that sound like every drug dealer offering a first timer a free sample, 'hey, try it, you'll like it, it'll make you feel good, it's just one time so what's the big deal?', then he's got his hooks in you, and you'll do anything to get that fix, and the price just keeps going up. The more you move along the more you realize sobriety is actually a perfect analogy for being saved. The temptation to sin is all around us, it never goes away, and it's essentially like being an addict in a drug den trying to stay sober through the whole thing. There are going to be damn few people able to resist that much temptation entirely, most are going to have their slips, something we're all familiar with, but the important thing is getting right back up and trying to do better next time, and being aware of all the possible 'next times' and trying to prepare yourself against them so you don't stumble again.

"Instead of focusing on the time spent at meetings, I should've focused on the people there, and how much they've helped me, and how I still need them. Some people don't like this program because it's a lot of work. Now come on, we've all been there, we kind of came into this expecting it was going to fix us for us, and we wouldn't actually have to do anything except show up and gossip while we drink bad coffee. But it only works if we are willing to work, to do all the work that comes with it, and to make it, we need help, and that's what really makes this program amazing, the people you meet, and you find out you actually have a lot in common. Outside of these meetings if we met each other on the street, we'd look at each other and go 'oh, they're nothing like me, they could never understand'. But in here, we realize we do, we're so much more alike than anyone would ever think. And..." her voice started to get choked as she concluded, "I'm so happy to be back among my friends again. Thank you."

Everyone applauded as Regina stepped down and returned to her seat, which was beside Marjorie and Bonnie, behind Jill, Wendy and Christy.

"That was amazing, Regina," Christy leaned forward.

"Yeah well...I'm sorry if I got a little defensive with you guys the last time we met," she told them. "After you guys left I did a lot of thinking and, I wasn't feeling too proud of myself then."

"Oh honey, we understand," Marjorie said. "This is the hardest thing anybody ever has to do, and it's still not all that easy even as long as I've been doing it."

"That gives me hope as I come up on three years' sobriety after that damned relapse," Bonnie commented with a grunt.

Jill glanced down as she added half under her breath, "And I've just finally made two months again."

"Like Regina said," Marjorie told her, "it's not an easy journey, people stumble, the important thing is you don't let it beat you, and just get back on the horse again."

"I hope some first timers take that one to heart," Christy said, nodding to the podium.

Everyone turned to the front as a man went next.

"Hi, I'm Ray...and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Ray."

Bonnie's half-brother looked around the room for a few seconds before he told them, "I...never thought I'd ever be admitting that. Because for the longest time I was convinced I didn't have a problem, it was everyone around me who had the problem because they couldn't accept that I was happy and I had my using under control. I'm...was a lawyer, very good one, very successful one, rewarding work, financially as well as anything else." He sighed loudly, "What's that saying? 'Mo money, mo problems.' There's truth to that. When you can afford anything, stuff you never used to even think of trying becomes just another obstacle you figure you can check off your bucket list. I mean...we've all seen people who carry around a Ziploc bag of loose change to buy a pack of cigarettes or a case of beer, even if it means the water's turned off, they can't make rent, there's nothing to eat, they're gonna get their fix. Doesn't seem like a real comparison to having tens of thousands of dollars in your bank account, but when you've got that, you get smug and you figure why not try these pills? Why not try a snort? I can afford it. And hey, I got it under control, I know what I'm doing."

Ray got silent for a few seconds before continuing, "I thought I knew what I was doing. I had everything, great career, money in the bank, big house, a partner, we were happy...and then he started to complain about how much weed I was smoking, and that as a lawyer I shouldn't have cocaine in the house. I thought he was just trying to control our relationship, tell me what to do, dictate my life...so we broke up. Over time, that great career went out the window, I got arrested, I got disbarred, but I was still convinced I didn't have a problem, it was everybody else. Between points A and B, I found out that my mom had had another child before me and abandoned her, after she died I met my half-sister, who I'm sure you all know, like it or not." He held a hand out and gestured to the tall woman, "Bonnie Plunkett. I've heard a lot of Bonnie stories from all her friends, and her daughter, so it seems odd that she was actually trying to help me get sober. But I wasn't interested. So, to prove what a loving sister she was, she kicked me out when I had nowhere else to go, and she made it clear I'd only be allowed back when I decided I wanted to get help." He looked at Bonnie and continued, "And I know she was thinking this day would never come, that I'd probably be dead before it ever happened, and I know her well enough to know how terrified she was of that thought."

He sighed, drew in a slow breath and said, "One day I was in my car, I'd been drinking since breakfast, and I'd smoked a few joints, and I was feeling real good, driving along, listening to the radio, really feeling it...and this kid...this black boy who couldn't be more than...10 years old...ran out in the street...ran right in front of my car. I hit my brakes but I knew I wouldn't stop in time, so I went to shift the gear to 'reverse', instead I hit 'park' and the car jolted to a stop and I about broke my nose on the steering wheel being knocked forward. But I look up through the windshield, and the kid's run over to the other side of the street. I just looked at him until he disappeared from my sight. I sat there for the longest time thinking...he could've been me...he even kind of looked like me when I was that age. What the hell was I doing driving high? It would've been so easy for me to kill that kid without even realizing it. What the hell was I doing?"

It wasn't lost on the women sitting in their chairs that Ray actually seemed to be losing some of the color in his face, his hands were starting to shake.

"Oh...oh my God..." his eyes seemed to go blank and he raised a hand towards his mouth, "how the hell did I get to this point?"

Everybody waited for a tense moment before Ray composed himself, sucking in a deep breath, he pushed forward.

"When my sister, and her daughter, were trying to help me get sober, I don't them AA's not my thing, why? I told them it was because I'm not real into the 'God stuff'. See uh...growing up, that wasn't something in our house...looking back now I don't know if it actually would've been better if it was...but it couldn't have been worse, because as soon as I was able to I left home and didn't look back. I had to make my own way my whole life, I figured I never really needed anyone else because I could get it done myself. But...once that kid was out of sight, I put my car in gear and pulled over to the curb, and I sat there for the longest time, shaking, sweating, hyperventilating. Finally, finally, it clicked...I had a problem...I was the problem. I realized everybody was right, and I needed to get help, but I didn't know who to turn to to get it. So I did something I've never done before, I prayed, long and hard, 'Please God help me, where do I go from here? How do I fix this?' Finally, I got out of my car and I just walked, and I didn't have any idea where I was going, but I wound up at an AA meeting. I sat in the back and just listened to everybody else, and I guess I must've made an impression, because this old dude who's been there for 20 years came over and asked if I wanted a cup of coffee. I told him I needed to call somebody, but my hands were shaking too bad to take my phone out. Luckily we had a mutual friend of a friend, Marjorie, she came and got me and took me to see Bonnie...and, it wasn't an easy reunion, but, she took me in and I'm currently 18 days sober, and currently sleeping on their couch while I try to get my life together. Now...Marjorie's my sponsor, Jill's helping me with an out-patient rehab, Regina's my spiritual adviser, she actually helped me get saved, and...I know that that's not everybody's thing, but I can't even begin to describe what that's done for me. I just have this feeling now like...what kind of world was I living in before? I am so glad to have a sister who cared so much...let me amend that...I thank God that I have a sister, that I found her right when I needed her, and that she has so many wonderful friends who are helping me get through this. Uh...I guess that's it, thank you."

Everybody applauded as Ray stepped down and headed back to his seat.

"That was really nice, Ray," Marjorie said.

Ray's semi-calm composure fell away as he sat back down and he sounded like he was going to start hyperventilating again.

"I've made a huge mess out of everything," he said, "I am so sorry for everything I put you through, put everybody through."

Bonnie leaned over and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "One day at a time, Ray, right now your brain is still in detox mode, it's going to be a while before you're actually capable of making most of your amends. On the chance that you can actually reconcile with your husband, I'd recommend holding off on that one for about a year. Just saying."

"Mom!" Christy quietly sniped her.

"What? I have experience in this," Bonnie said, "more than once I went over to somebody's house to make an amends and found myself in their bed. Stuff happens."

"Mom!"

Marjorie ignored that exchange and told Ray, "God got you to this point, Ray, God will get you through it, you just have to trust Him."

Ray seemed to calm down some and said with a gesture, "That sounds like something Regina would say."

They had a small laugh at that.

"Shall we pray?" Regina offered.

Everybody looked around at one another and gave small nods, they joined hands and bowed their heads and closed their eyes.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot stand, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"Oh Lord our Father and Jesus our Savior," Regina started a different prayer.

"Oh boy," Bonnie lightly groaned as she opened her eyes and rolled them.

That earned her two elbows from Christy and Marjorie.

"Amen," she added and bowed her head again.