The Big Three Trilogy presents: Book I: Bakugo's Inferno

by the cozy writer

After unintentionally eavesdropping on a romantic confession between his best friend and his biggest rival leaves his mind and feelings spiraling, Bakugo Katsuki's life descends into Hell. [AU at UA series]

1. The Descent

Disclaimer: These are the demons Katsuki Bakugo fights and wants no one to see.

I.

"You two were childhood friends, right? Has Midoriya always been this...thoughtful?"

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?"

.

.

.

I rejected you as kids,
and resented you as teens,
but my bitterness grew

somewhere in between
when your skin grew thicker
and your roots no longer stretched toward

a drop of my approval.

.

.

.

"Midoriya! Can we talk?"

.

.

.

Now, in young adulthood, I regret everything.
It's been one year since the confession that changed our timelines.
Don't let anyone lie to you—
regret warps time and drags it with speed
my mind goes away with it
as you barrel past me
like a bullet,
you pierce my core.

Now, I'm in a parallel universe to the existence I long to be in.

My reasons for yearning
consume my thoughts, and I think
my head is in smoke clouds.

The debris of my mistakes
settle around me;
poor decisions haunt me and want me
crashing right into failure.

I'm falling.

A villain has just slashed me off a skyscraper.
It hugs me into a chokehold, no
a death grip

I'm fighting like hell
to stay alive, to stay in this fight,
but the wind rush is crushing my will
to live
and compressing my lungs
from breathing.

But the only enemy my reflection sees is me spiraling down the broken glass.

For all the things I've set on fire, for all the things I've blown up,
For all the people I've saved and helped survive,
all those friends, enemies, and rivals I've formed in the battle over my life,
nothing compares to this loss.

I mourn and grieve silently, though
I've nearly made my bed in Hell a few times,
being brought back to life
without you behind me

will ever be the same.

.

.

.

"When we grow up, let's start an agency together, Kacchan! That way, we can save the world together forever!"

"Heck no, you dirty Deku! You don't even have a Quirk! You're useless!"

.

.

.

A top hero.
The money and fame.
Outside of training,
fought and won against discipline,
my every desire is a mere whim of fancy to rip the world apart and into pieces

Just how my heart feels.

I drink away the misery and rage through the pain.
I lap up lust like a rabid dog,
but I'm the one being consumed.
Nothing's ever enough;
life burns
at both ends.

Still…

I want more.

.

.

.

"YOU THOUGHT HE WAS YOUR TOUGHEST COMPETITION? YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO ME."

.

.

.

Since eavesdropping on their private conversation at the sports festival our first year, I've been the third wheel—chasing after them.

Shoto's eyes remained focused on Deku. Deku's heart stitched its fix onto Shoto.

And I've been one step behind.

Your heart skips away from me
chasing you
as I leave a trail of tears
in your wake.

Tch! Typical shitty nerd, Deku!

I'm spinning out of control.

You have left me behind again.
How far
will we grow apart?
How long
will I choke
in disgust
on your dust?

In hero work.
In life. In love.
How did you
(how could you)
replace me?

II.

"Midoriya! Can we talk?"
"Sure thing, Todoroki!"

.

.

.

All of my anger in high school was because of them—because of him. I was supposed to be the best, but being clumped in and around them enraged me; there was too much at stake to lose.

Besides, I was supposed to be the only one.

"Stop talking to me! How many times have I told you, you shitty nerd?! WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. And you, too, you fuck ass Icy-Hothead! Both of you! Stay away from me! Graduation can't come fast enough!"

"Well, that's rather unkind, Kacchan!"

"What the fuck did I just say, Deku?!"

I hated it when he protested my sour attitude. It always made me feel like a piece of shit because he was always right; I should be kinder to him. He's been kind to me our whole lives, but with the three of us constantly competing and being compared, even when I won, it seemed like I failed to keep up. So, I snap to keep from killing someone.

"I agree with Midoriya, Bakugo. Calm down. Come on, Midoriya, we can finish studying for finals in my room."

I see him take your hand;
your fingers gladly lace between his
and walk out of my room
as one.

I wasn't supposed to lose you to someone else.

I forced myself to believe it had nothing to do with you
That I'd rather admit to feeling left out
than outing my feelings for you.

But seeing Todoroki only press the arrow to go up when Deku's room is on the first floor floods my memory and breaks my brain.

I've seen this scene before.

-8-

I pulled you to the side to talk after the birthday dinner you threw for Todoroki in the dorms. I promise I only wanted to speak, but I yelled at you, as usual.

"Why would you invite me to a dinner that you threw for that bipolar idiot?"

"Why wouldn't I, Kacchan? We're the Big Three."

"You know what I mean, dummy!"

"Since when did you not get along with Todoroki? He didn't say you two were fighting."

"WHEN THE FUCK HAVE WE EVER GOTTEN ALONG?"

"Kacchan! Take it easy…you didn't have to come if you didn't want to," you mumbled, glancing away to our classmates in the lounge. I noticed a pair of eyes watching us in the distance. "Everyone came to celebrate Todoroki's birthday because we wanted to. You should've declined."

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure that's what you've wanted all along! To leave me out?"

"What? Kacchan, you're being paranoid; of course not! Isn't my including you the reason you're yelling at me right now?"

"AW, CUT THE CRAP, DEKU!"

Todoroki approached us, acting as if he was heading to the elevator. But I knew better. I saw you visibly relax, almost like you could sense his presence.

"What the fuck do you want coming over here, Icy-Hot?! No one wants you here!"

"Kacchan!" You scolded and shooed me away, but Todoroki kept coming closer. He gripped your shoulder, and I've never wanted more than to twist and break each digit off one by one. But what stunned me was seeing how you instinctively reached over to touch it.

"Izuku, the birthday present you said you got me, bring it to my room. I'm going to bed. I'll leave the door unlocked," he said, making eye contact with you.

Seeing the intimacy in those mismatched eyes and you melting under their frigid intensity sickened me.

I wouldn't tell a soul, dead or alive, but I envy how Shoto responds to you. Because every time those dark green eyes light up from being affirmed, I wish they were looking back at me.

Todoroki took your hand and made a ceremony out of planting a kiss on it—HOW BOLD OF BOTH OF YOU. Have you two been affectionate before?—his brooding eyes now locked on me. The subtle yet showy PDA shook both of us as he took his leave to the elevator.

"Uh-uhhhh…okay, Shoto. I-I'll be right up!"

You sounded submissive
but not scared.

Safe under his stronghold,
secure at the sound of his voice—
sure of him.

Sick of me.

You called him Shoto.

You turned to me. "I-I gotta go, Ka-Kacchan. We can talk about this later if you want." You sounded nervous and uncertain about continuing where we left off.

"Nah. Forget about it."

"Kacchan, are you sure?"

"There's nothing more to discuss, Izuku."

"Oh, okay," you acquiesced me, and I wanted to believe you were sad, but you rushed to meet him before the elevator door closed as if you were relieved to escape from my trap. I could already feel my heart cracking from just staring at your back.

I was right; you are sick of me.

But why did you have to go and hold his hand in front of me? I saw your palms squeeze, and it sucked all the life out of my lungs.

The words escape me, anyway.

-8-

I'm trying my damnedest not to rage, but nowadays, I'm hotter than ever. All the guilt, all the remorse, all the lies I wish I could take back, hiding, concealing my deepest secret until I could no longer find it, too. All because I was too stubborn to beat them to the punch of what mattered the most. I thought we had all the time in the world—I thought I did.

Even after fifteen years of knowing what I wanted, I still don't know what I was waiting for. I missed it, anyway. Like an idiot. All the angst and playing hard to get (along with)? Who knows, maybe it was fate that I dragged us both down to hell that day with my lead feet.

For all the things I've survived,
for all the connections I've made,
for all the time I've spent mourning the love I lost,

Even for all the tripped-out memories of slutting out with random hookups and in meaningless flings with desirable people to dull the ache that cowardice leaves behind…

.

.

.

"No, Kacchan! No more! What more do you want from me? Tell me! I'm sick of being treated like this!"

I was too scared when it mattered the most.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, IZUKU!"

.

.

.

Nothing compares to this poisonous villain.

.

.

.

"Midoriya! Can we talk?"
"Sure thing, Todoroki!"
"I love you, Izuku…"

.

.

.

Remorse is a bloody Hell.
I was supposed to be the first.
I was supposed to win it all
in the end.

III.

I lost it all.

It's been two years of replaying a conversation I wasn't meant to overhear. I don't even remember why I was right there. A fucked up case of wrong place, wrong time, I guess.

.

.

.

"Midoriya! Can we talk?"
"Sure thing, Todoroki!"
"I love you, Izuku…"
"I'm in love with you, too, Shoto!"

.

.

.

And it still keeps me up at night.
All the time wasted fighting him
fighting myself,
avoiding the pent-up emotions,
channeling all that confusion and anger into my Quirk,
have come back to bite me in the ass.

But I need to hear the truth from you.

I barely remember
what happened last night,
but I know the day started
with me missing you.

-8-

I got way too wasted at the only bar in the city where we pros could drink our sorrows away in peace.

"I'm surprised you're even here right now, Deku! Should the Number One Hero be seen out at night without his clingy sidekick?"

I taunted you because I wanted you to share in my pain. I know I show my love in a stunted way. But I know myself better than anyone—I needed the liquid courage. If not, I don't think I would've been able to look at 'Deku the Pro Hero' like a man; I'm already nervous enough to face Izuku. I knew I'd say some shit I'd regret, but I needed to get it off my chest. I'd spent my entire day off planted on that barstool but didn't call you until I had emptied everything I had left to lose.

"You asked to meet you, though?" You looked at me with those round, innocent eyes, the only thing that melted my heart. It's been weeks since we'd spent time together, and I hated that shit.

"Just forget it, loser. Why didn't you change first?"

"Oh, sorry, Kacchan! Is my hero costume making you uncomfortable? I just came from a mission when I got your text and rushed over. And you know Shoto is not my sidekick. The offer to join our agency is still on the table, you know?"

"LIKE HELL, I WILL!" I slam my fist on the bar counter, annoyed by your compassion. That's just like you, to rise above the insult and care about my comfort instead.

"Kacchan, you don't have to be this way. Will you at least accept your invite to our housewarming party? It's been weeks since Shoto sent out the invitations."

"Cut it out, you damn idiot! Stop always being so nice! I invited you here!" I'm so annoyed and even more nervous. My words slur and feel like slime on my tongue. My head hangs into my lap.

"Izuku,mmhmsallslkfghtohngoiwmeanym..."

All those spirits made my soul separate from my body for the rest of the night as if I were in a dream, watching a film of my body and mouth act out a pathetic and belligerent life.

"Hm? Kacchan? I didn't catch what you said." Deku leaned closer to my face, and it made my cheeks redden…I vaguely remember wanting to kiss him when our eyes met.

"Why don't you hang out with me anymore?!" My hand tried to cup his cheek, but my vision blurred, and it slapped the counter instead. "Dammit, Deku! Why don't you text me first anymore? Why do I have to text you like you're better than me? ARE YOU WITH ME OR NOT?"

"Uh…Kacchan, I think you've had enough to drink," he said with that tone of genuine concern that made me hate him even more. He tried to pull me up, but I yank my arm out of his firm grip.

"NO! ANSWER MY QUESTION, YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS NERDY DEKU."

He caught my hand before it made contact with his cheek. He's still wearing that damn gold chain bracelet every day, even in costume. What gives?

"Because you still speak to me like that, Kacchan! You never call me Izuku anymore, and you hit me like that when we're not even in combat training. We're adults, and your anger is still too much to contain!"

"That never stopped you before. What changed?" He averted his gaze. "Oi, I know why! Bakugo, don't be such a 'Deku.' Of course, he's the reason! You let him come between us!" I drunkenly cackled.

"Kacchan? Take it easy."

"NO! JUST SAY IT! JUST SAY THAT YOU DON'T WANT YOUR SULKY-HEADED LUKEWARM BOYFR-"

We're on my patio in an instant.

"DID YOU JUST TELEPORT ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, YOU CREEP?!"

"Do not talk about him like that, Kacchan, and calm down! Come on, I'm in costume, remember?! Just...let us in, and we can talk about whatever you want. Okay?"

I scowled at him with all the bitterness of resentment and alcohol I guzzled down.

"Can we talk… inside?" he pleaded.

"What a load of bullshit! Now you wanna talk," I sneered, sliding open the patio door leading to my minimalist living room. "So. Talk, nerd."

"Oh, uh," he stuttered. How the fuck is this blubbering fool, the number one hero before me?

It was his first time in my new place, and I vaguely wished I could've been a better host. Looking around and then at me, he placed a small envelope on my coffee table and took a deep breath.

"Listen, Kacchan. I don't know how you found out, but I've wanted to tell you for a while."

"JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY, DUMBASS."

Izuku looked right into my soul with a conviction I thought he only reserved for saving people. "It's true. Shoto and I are in a relationship, and we're in…"

.

.

.

I don't remember anything after that. But judging by the fact that I briefly woke up before the sun was up in his bruised arms and without a hangover, yet haven't seen or heard from him since, I must've messed up—again. I look over at the coffee table. The housewarming invitation is gone. The morning-after regret gnaws at me.

Yeah, I fucked up. Big time.

-8-

I blasted away every suspicion of my love and obsession, bullying him into submission when we were playing superheroes as kids, shaming him into silence when we were exploring our bodies as teens.

I hid who I was
like a cowardly lion; what fool I am!
I covered up my longest-standing truth
and cemented it when my first love
became my biggest threat.

One conversation shattered my pride.

I thought I had time
to clean up the mess
but it hit me too late to recover

Todoroki never speaks to you like I do.
He never lies to you—
like I do.

He never denies you
like I do.

You pushed me away.
.

.

.

Wiping your mouth with more disgust than courtesy demands, you looked at me like I've just committed a crime. "Kacchan! What are you doing?!"

"What does it look like, dumbass? I'm giving you your first kiss."

We'd been on cleaning duty for the month, fighting unsupervised again. The rest of the class was on a field trip while we stayed back to deep clean the dorm from top to bottom.

"What makes you think that's my first time kissing?" you asked shyly, but your voice had a tinge of arrogance.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Deku?" You bypassed the question.

"Why did you think I wanted you to kiss me, Kacchan?" You tighten your hold on a soapy sponge.

I stared blankly, my mind fogged with your inquiry. Why did I think that? I don't know. I don't think that was even my original thought, but I figured it would obviously be yours if it were mine, too. We'd been on par for everything until then, or at least I was first.

"You've been muttering about your feelings and other sick love stuff all afternoon. I thought…OH, NEVER MIND. JUST FORGET IT, IDIOT."

"I'd rather not. Why did you kiss me, Kacchan?" You faced me head-on. You're calm, but I am not. "Is there something we need to discuss?" I scoff.

"WHAT? NO!" I lie. "I WAS JUST DOING YOU A FAVOR BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A HOPELESS LATE-BLOOMER."

"Okay? But I've already had my first kiss. And, might I add, you and I have done enough for you not to call me a late bloomer?"

Your reminder is a shameless sting to my pride. My ears reddened, and my heart sank.

"HUH? WITH WHO?" Why did I even ask?

You looked away and continued wiping down the walls.

"Do you really want to know?"

-8-

Of course, choosing the guy who chooses you makes sense.
But how I feel about Deku has never made sense to me because I was never supposed to be head-over-heels for him;

I was never supposed to be brokenhearted over him.
So I do senseless things to sort out this emotional chaos
spiraling down a hellhole ever since.

Maybe I pushed you first.
And he pulled you in.
Now I'm in a tug-of-war to win
you back.

All because I was at the wrong place at the right time.
All because I was too stubborn and slow to beat them to the punch.
All because I was waiting, thinking you would wait for me.

What was it all for?

The force burns my palms as punishment for my misdeeds.
I'm sinking; it hurts too much
to keep my head above water
and bear the weight of remembering everything.
So I'll do anything
to drown in the sea of forgetfulness.

.

.

.

"Midoriya! Can we talk?"
"Sure thing, Todoroki!"
"I love you, Izuku…"
"I'm in love with you, too, Shoto!"
"Let's start an agency together!"

IV.

It's been four years since we hung out like old times, three years since I've even seen them face-to-face.

Reminiscing pisses me off because I still remember too much. I was right there for everything, like a dumb-ass, wobbly third wheel trying to hang on.

-8-

"The top three rookie pro-heroes are making waves across the city amongst villains and civilians alike! Eyewitnesses from the trio's most recent rescue mission said their Quirks and kindness left a lasting impression on them—especially the Peace and Justice Pro-Hero, Deku, and the Half-Cold, Half-Hot Pro-Hero, Shoto! Reports say those two are a dynamic duo, working something akin to the teamwork of All-Might and Sir Nighteye. Surely, Vestiges, their rising star pro-hero agency's new HQ, slated to open in the coming months, will make the city of Tokyo feel even safer in no time, Tricia!"

I switched off the radio and flung the remote. You caught it in a flash and placed it on the marble slab you just carved into the bar counter.

"Kacchan, don't think much of it. The camera crew just happened to be there while on search and rescue duty. That's the only reason."

The three of us had been working around the under-construction lobby of our hero agency all evening.

"Yeah, we know you're the one who found and captured the villain. The police chief thanked you for finally apprehending the tyrant. Everyone did their part to keep the city safe, and that's all that matters."

"EASY FOR YOU TWO TO SAY, ICY-HOT! YOU BOTH GET ALL THE GLORY AND GET CALLED FUCKING BATMAN AND ROBIN WHILE I'M NOT EVEN MENTIONED."

"It would seem that way," Todoroki pensively agreed. He walked over to help bolster you on his shoulders so that you could install the motion-detection recess light fixtures.

How infuriating seeing you two flirt is!

I exploded. "DON'T CODDLE HIM, SHOTO. DEKU CAN USE FLOAT PERFECTLY FINE, Y'KNOW?"

All you did was laugh while jostling his hair. "My, how strong you've gotten, Todoroki!"

"How else will I keep up with the world's Number One Hero?"

"HE HASN'T EARNED THAT TITLE JUST YET."

.

.

.

But I could no longer ignore the envy imploding in me because I knew it all along. I saw how they looked at each other during our work studies and always seemed to find each other in times of trouble, even when it was just Deku and me...

Somehow, Shoto always knew where to find us.

.

.

.

"Izuku, I'm going to grab a bite to eat in Hiroshima. Wanna join?"

"Oh! Uh…"

"DON'T LOOK SO SHOCKED. YOU WANNA COME OR NOT?"

"Sh-Sure! Let me just grab my jacket."

We sat in a booth in a little hole-in-the-wall ramen shop at the edge of the southwestern city. I remember we ordered and ate a lot that day. It'd been weeks since the two of us hung out and just laughed and talked about nothing while never running out of things to say.

"It feels different being a pro-hero full-time," you said while nursing a back muscle pull.

"I hear you. I haven't had a day off since I joined the agency. I feel like I can barely sleep after these twelve-hour patrols."

"I know, it's that adrenaline dump right before the crash. It gets me every time."

"What do you do to curb it?"

"Ha," you chuckled. "I don't. Shoto guides me through a deep-breathing meditation most of the time."

I took a long drag of my beer to swallow my jealousy.

"Heh! Speaking of the hero—Todoroki! Over here!"

The beer nearly spitooned out my nose. "Why the hell is he here?"

"He has my location."

I began choking on foam. You looked concerned, but you weren't the one to console me with words. He sat beside you as you passed me a glass of water.

"Are you all right, Bakugo? You shouldn't rush to drink so much."

I looked up to scowl at Todoroki for addressing me, that damn matching gold chain bracelet on his wrist dangling in my face as his hand lovingly rubbed your back as if you were the one gasping for air. I swallow my tongue.

Why do I envy you?

-8-

"Oi, Kacchan! I just got off the phone with Izuku's mom! They're inviting us over for dinner tonight. SO TAKE A BATH!"

"I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE, MOM. YOU CAN'T KEEP FORCING ME ON PLAYDATES. AND ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I STINK? I NEVER STINK."

"Aw, I know, baby. But, anyway, why not? It's your birthday! Inko said he just dropped by for the weekend, so it's perfect! You and Izuku have been friends since you were little jits. So don't be like that. It'll be fun! Pick up a nice dessert on your way to pick me up, okay?!"

The nerve of that woman.

"Ooookayyyy?!" My mother has this evil witch look that still strikes the fear of god into me, even over the phone.

"Okay...but I don't wanna do this. I need my space!"

"Yeah, yeah. Get that space when you're rocketing through the sky. Oh, and also! He's bringing Shoto with him. OK. I love you, bye."

"HELL N-"

FUCK. How do I get out of this?

.

.

.

I couldn't get out of it. Now, we're all sitting around the dinner table like one queer middle-class family with a grumpy stepchild. Deku barely said more than "happy birthday" to me.

"Happy birthday, Kacchan!" Inko sings. "The big two-three! Wow, you're all grown up right before my eyes!"

"Thanks, Auntie," I grumble. Her doting is embarrassing, but Deku's mother makes me too shy to be angry.

"So, Izuku, Inko tells me that today is you and Shoto's anniversary! Congratulations! Love is love!"

"Ah, yes, ma'am. Thank you." I watch as the lovebirds bow like horror movie twins at my mother's doting smile.

"MA! CUT IT OUT!"

"I'm sorry, they're just such an adorable couple! And you look so happy. How many years has it been?"

"Three," Todoroki said without a second thought.

"O.M.G." Both our mothers squealed.

"This is long-term!" The old hag cooed.

"I SAID SHUT UP. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT TWO SISSIES IN LOVE ON MY BIRTHDAY."

"KATSUKI BAKUGO! HOW DARE YOU USE A SLUR IN MY FRIEND'S HOUSE. HOW DARE YOU USE A SLUR AT ALL. APOLOGIZE. RIGHT NOW. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. THESE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. THESE ARE YOUR BUSINESS PARTNERS."

"No need," Todoroki deliberately yawned.

"Uh-hey, K-Kacchan?"

"Grhh?"

"C-Can the three of us talk after dinner?"

-8-

Seeing them now makes me sick, and they're everywhere together. I'm afraid I will instantly combust into a flame of despair if they look my way and smile like everything's cool—water under the bridge. I don't want their pity, and I don't want to know how much more one man's soul can die from heartbreak. I made a fool of myself in front of everybody.

So, I decline my invitation to Class 1-A of U.A. High's reunion.

"Bakugo! Bro! C'mon, why not? We know how you are! No one cares anymore. Class 1-A's five-year reunion is right around the corner, and you're the only one who still needs to RSVP. You didn't show up last year, and Mineta didn't stop crying about missing you. "

"I'm the only one, huh? All the more reason to stay away. Plus, I'm busy that weekend." I surprise myself with how dejected my voice sounds. Kirishima's wary expression tells me I'm not the only one.

"Aw, come on! I'm sure Best Jeanist would sign off on your time off request. And gotta be honest, bro. Sounds like you need it."

"WHO SAID I WAS WORKING, MORON?! BEING A PRO ISN'T THE ONLY THING I'VE GOT GOING ON, YOU KNOW?"

Red Riot's hard exterior tightens into ridges around his forehead and jawline. "It's not?"

"BYE, LOSER!"

"Bakugo, hey, hol' up. Did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"Deku." My chest squeezes tightly. "The media has passed on the title of 'the Symbol of Peace' now that, you know…now that All Might's gone."

"Yeah, I saw the news this morning."

"Are you…"

"AM I WHAT? SPIT IT OUT ALREADY?!"

"Are you going to reach out to congratulate him? Jeez, chill! You still get so worked up about Deku, and it's been decades for you two. Have you even checked on him since the funeral?"

"Look, Kirishima. I gotta go."

I hang up and sling my newest smartphone across my bedroom. The hero-grade protection case is more durable than All Might. That's the third phone this month. Whatever, who cares? It could shatter every window in this skyline apartment overlooking downtown Seoul, and it still wouldn't compare to the broken shards of glass that once were my heart.

Being a pro hero is all I've got going on. Between learning a new agency, a new language, and a new city, it's all I can stomach focusing on right now.

"RAHHHHH!" I stare into my flaming fists. The fire licks the air and consumes it, growing bigger around my wrists. My fire never lies. My palms are sweating more than usual from my fire bombs. Figures, I sweat when I'm angry.

No, wait.

Those are tears.

For all my anger and attitude, I am a very disciplined man. Even when I lose control, I don't lose all of it. Ugh. I've made so many loud mistakes, all because I was too scared to admit that I was scared of being replaced. But I shouldn't have behaved as I did after the funeral. My phone vibrates again. The screen is cracked into splintered lines, but I can see the electric green eyes calling. I turn it off.

My fire never lies.

So why did I?

V.

"I say, Bakugo! Why haven't you been answering my calls and texts?!"

"RAHHH! WHY DID YOU TRICK ME TO MEET YOU HERE, YOU RACE CAR FREAK?! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW." Tenya's chokeholds have gotten stronger.

What the hell type of training has he been doing since I last saw him?!

"I'VE BEEN BUSY, OKAY?"

I twist his arm and slam him on the bar floor. I'm huffing, and he's coughing. We burst into laughter, and I grab his already outstretched arm.

"It's good to see you, Ingenium."

"The pleasure is all mine, Great Explosion Murder God: Dynamight."

Whenever Tenya says my hero name, it has so much conviction that it sounds corny as hell.

"So, what's up?"

I grab a seat at the counter and order a pitcher. I know he's not here simply to catch up.

We're at a bar that reminds me of the only place in Tokyo I refuse to give to them—the one spot where I play the risky, devilish game of Russian roulette with my chances of running into them whenever I'm back home. Vestiges means too much to me to let go. It was still neutral territory.

"I've been deployed to administer a welfare check on you." Even after all this time, it's obnoxious how Tenya quickly switches back into his class-representative persona. It pisses me off, but, quiet as kept, I've missed the structure.

"What a load of shit and a waste of time. I'm fine. There's no need."

"You sound like Midoriya right now."

Anger shines in my eyes. "What did you just say to me?"

Tenya takes a deep breath and grips my shoulder. "Just tell him the truth already."

"You say that like it's the easiest thing in the world! Idiot!"

"How can it not be? Midoriya is your best friend. You know him. He will understand. I know him, and it'll crush him to learn you've been silently suffering."

"Iida…I-I." I can't believe my voice is shaking like this in front of this I.T. geek! "…I can't."

"Why not? Look at yourself. You're drunk and despondent. You look battered and bruised. No pro hero should look like such a miscreant! You look like Deku when he first left U.A. searching for All for One."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOOK LIKE GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GOD: DYNAMIGHT. SO MIND YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS."

Tenya stares me down with so much pity through his Poindexter glasses, and it pisses me off that I'm too embarrassed to meet his gaze.

"Tch. You're that down bad, huh, my friend? Kyaaaa!" He takes his beer mug to the head.

"AW, SHUT UP." I chug down the last of my beer and wave down the bartender.

"Midoriya says you haven't returned any of his calls, either."

"Well, that makes sense. We haven't even spoken in years. Hey, Lush! Another four rounds of shots."

"Don't you think you've had enough to drink tonight, Bakugo?" The bartender slides four empty shot glasses down the counter before us. Her Quirk fills it with tequila.

"Oh, these aren't all for me, you dork." I push two his way. "You gotta catch up, dweeb."

We get along better when we both have a little alcohol in our systems. Ironically, Drunk Tenya is even more severe than Sober Tenya, but he's also easier to talk to.

"I see your English has greatly improved."

"Yeah, living in the States kinda forces it."

We share a glance, an unspoken conversation. Iida wears his heart on his sleeve but can still be emotionally guarded. I'm the same way; I'm not the guy to easily open up, either—that's what got my heart in this mess—but there was a time, back at U.A., when the four of us, the top boys of Class 1-A, were a brotherhood.

"How long did it take you to race here from Tokyo?"

"Three hours," he hiccups. Fucking lightweight.

"Damn, Ingenium. You're breaking PR's left and right, I see."

"That's how you become the fastest hero!" He slurs and knocks back a shot.

We had completely different personalities and bickered like raging hens all the time, but before any of us knew it, we were a brotherhood of pro-heroes—and (DAMMIT IT ALL TO HELL!) best friends.

.

.

.

"Here's to Ingenium, Shoto, Great Explosion Murder God, and last but certainly not least, Deku! For making the top-four Rookies of the Year list three years in a row!" Creati raised a martini glass above the crowded bar room after producing enough glasses for every guest.

"CHEERS!" The rest of Class 1-A shouted. Uravity toasted next.

"And here's to Deku, Shoto, and Bakugo finally joining forces! Congrats on the new pro-hero agency and bar, you guys! Vestiges will be the talk of the town around Tokyo before you know it!"

"HERE, HERE!" The grand-opening bar patrons rooted. "Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!"

"Earphone Jack, do you mind?" Hagakure turned to the DJ booth to ask. Jiro, who was deejaying a wicked rock-and-hip hop mashup set, returned the invisible girl's thumbs up and killed the music.

No one else would talk, so it had to be him. Deku awkwardly scratched his head and stepped forward in his newest pro-hero costume design.

"Uh, hi, everyone! Thank you for coming to Vestiges for the ribbon-cutting and grand opening ceremony! Shoto and I poured our hearts into the agency's concept right out of U.A. and built it from the ground up out of his first tiny flat downtown, but he spent more sleepless nights than I ever could seeing the design and development through. Five years later, we're here. So, thank you, Shoto, for always being there and believing in Vestiges' future when I'm too focused on acting in the present. And without Bakugo joining, I'm sure the vision of this bar and HQ would not have come to fruition this perfectly. Thanks for coming on board, Kacchan. It was a team effort, and I'm so happy the Big Three are on the same time." He looked our way when he mentioned our names and smiled. "I honestly never thought I'd become a hero, let alone be ranked at the top of the rookie hero class. But the quirky thing about dreams is that sometimes they come true! I am here...to save people, and Vestiges is here to keep the city safe. Thank you."

"C'mon, boys! Take a picture for future memories. Gotta remember this forever!" The weird, pink alien girl, Mina, scooted the four of us together.

"DON'T TOUCH ME WITH YOUR ACID."

"Bakugo, be kind! Pinky is a fine hero and freelance photographer! We must allow her to capture this momentous occasion!"

"OH SHUT UP, SHITTY HAIR."

"As a pro-hero, you really shouldn't berate people for defending others."

"YOU TOO, MELTING POLAR ICE CAP."

"Or make light of global warming."

"ESPECIALLY YOU, DEKU."

The girls we grew up with had grown into women but had not outgrown giggling at us. They shook their heads.

"It's hopeless. These four will never change," Froppy sighed as Pinky took the most unflattering photo of us.

.

.

.

Half a decade after graduating from that fuckass hero academy, we're still the top four heroes from our rookie class and as distant as ever—all because I wanted to be the main character. Those were the best three years of my life. These have been some of the worst. And it's all my fault. I burned it all down.

Sometimes, I hate how fragile my ego is.

"Bakugo, man. Listen, as a friend, it pains me to see you wasting away like this. A hero cannot thrive bearing the weight of emotional dissonance. You must speak your truth! A hero must always live with integrity-!"

My throat tightens, making it hard to speak, but I've got to cut him off before he says anything else that'll make me barf.

"They look madly in love, Tenya."

I struggled to stop my tears from running down the bar counter. Strike this as another failure. I barely heard my question, but his words gave me the same answer.

"They are."

This answer is precisely why I took Tenya's bait and came out tonight. He'd be the one to give it to me, no chaser. He'd even catch me up on all the intel if I wanted. After all, he was stuck in the middle just as much as I was. He was Deku's first guy friend at U.A. I used to hate seeing them talk. Even though Tenya was a dick to him at first, I knew a real friendship was budding from day one—because I knew Deku.

"So, then, I can't," I tell him, grinding ice with my teeth to the bone not to break down in the middle of this hole-in-the-wall speakeasy.

-8-

Looking back, I used to think, if he made a new friend in Iida, then what would that mean for us? But I was the idiot who interrogated the wrong opponent because everything shifted when Todoroki started eating lunch with Iida and Deku. They spent so much time outside of school together that I had to act like it didn't bother me to be hanging out with Kirishima, Kaminari, and Mineta all the time instead. Seeing Todoroki with Deku and Tenya was humiliating when they tried to rescue me from the League of Villains. Of all the people to come to my rescue, I did not need it to be my competition.

.

.

.

"HEY!" Shoto took his time turning around. "YOU HEAR ME TALKING TO YOU, YOU WET BLANKET."

We were on the campus brick path leading to the train station.

"Oh, were you? I didn't hear you say my name."

"Whatever. Just tell me, what's up with you and Deku? Why are you always with him?"

"Who wants to know?"

"OBVIOUSLY, ME, YOU DINGBAT."

"Okay, but why?"

"WHY?"

"Yes, why do you want to know, Bakugo?"

I stuttered under his question's piercing gaze. He was sizing me up, and I knew it because it was the exact look I gave him every time the three of us crossed paths.

"Because…because Izuku is my friend, you idiot!"

"Oh, is he now?"

"WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"You're not a friendly guy, Bakugo. Certainly not to Midoriya," he said like he was swatting an annoying gnat out his face before leaving me with mud on mine.

.

.

.

When Tenya and Yaoyorozu became best couple friends with the dynamic duo over the years, I simply could not stick around. How the fuck was I supposed to compete with couple's game nights and weekend-long double dates and stay sane?

For all the ways I have my pride and my ego,
I still have my limits,
and a humiliation kink
is one.

I'm not that hotheaded high schooler anymore; I've grown and matured.

Or maybe it's just I've learned my lesson.

-8-

We were the Big Three.

Now, Deku has solidified his title as the number one hero, and he's well on his way to becoming the greatest hero in the world. Shoto is Japan's number two hero, following his father's legacy. And he deserves it; they both do.

"Are you afraid that Deku still resents you for what happened in Tokyo?" Iida bluntly asks.

Yes. But I won't admit to him that it gnaws me alive that I nearly killed the number one hero.

"Those two are still my best friends in some fucked up, unbreakable-bond manga way, but I just can't be around them right now."

"I thought all four of us were brothers!"

"Well, that would be awkward now, y'know, because two brothers boning is incest. Ingenium…don't tell me you're into taboo kinks!"

"You know what I mean, Bakugo. You may be incorrigible, but you're still my best friend. We've been through far too much; it's been far too long, and I miss how things once were between us. I'm confident there is a path forward with the proper conversations and apologies. In other words, I'm sure they will forgive you."

Deku might, but Shoto? Not a fat chance in hell.

.

.

.

"Todoroki, wait, what's going on? I want to see him! Why won't the nurses let me see Deku? He's my best friend!"

"No. Go home, Bakugo."

"Go home? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO?"

"Bakugo, If you want to live, leave Japan—no, Asia—right now."

"YOU'VE LOST YOUR SPLIT-BRAINED MIND TELLING ME-"

"Fuck you! You put my boyfriend in a coma!"

"A…coma?"

"You nearly killed the love of my life!"

"Shoto, I didn't know-"

"Bakugo, if you don't leave us alone for good and never return, I promise you I will relentlessly pursue you to the ends of the earth. Katsuki, I'm serious. Because if you do come back, if I ever see you near Deku again, I will relish ending your life in flames, myself."

I wanted to cry out—"But I love him, too! I loved him first!"—but what leg did I have to stand on to make such a confession after all I'd done?.

.

.

"AHHHH FUCK THIS. I'M OUTTA HERE," I take the last shot and stand up. I close out my tab and grab my jacket. Tenya grips my arm.

"Listen. It's been four years since we were last together as a full class. We all miss you."

"Aw, there you go again with that stick-up-your-ass glare of justice."

"It's called friendship. And friends hold friends accountable," he says with a righteous air.

"DON'T MAKE ME SLAP THAT IDIOT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE! WHO SENT YOU?! WAS IT KIRISHIMA? I'LL BEAT HIS ASS, TOO." I rip my hand from his hold and head for the washroom. "I gotta take a piss."

"But, seriously, Katsuki…" My feet stop on their own. He never calls me that. "Do reconsider. Like I said, you're my best friend, and I want you in my wedding."

I drop my head and continue to the back of the bar. "Get outta here, you idiot. You don't wanna miss your flight back to Creati."

"Hey! Do not insult my Quirk! And you could've at least picked up my tab, asshole!"

.

.

.

It's been six years since the love confession that Detroit Smashed my world into a million tiny pieces.

"I'm in love with you, too, Todoroki!"

It haunts me even while wide awake. I wash my hands and look in the washroom mirror. Iida was right. I look like shit. I've been working nonstop, partying harder than I work, and avoiding everything else in life, including sleep. I stretch my neck.

"Oi, I need a vacation," I groan.

My phone buzzes. A string of texts from the irrelevant fuck buddy I stood up to spend time with Iida. I turn it off. When I walk back into the bar room, Ingenium is gone. But my friend left behind an expensive envelope with my name and a small note scrawled across it.

"Forgive yourself and stop hiding. Hope to see you there. -I.T."

I open the heavy folded paper. I hold the detailed groomsman invitation full of pictures of all of Class 1-A in my hands.

I miss them.

"Forgive yourself..."

Tenya, I promise I'm working on it.

VI.

I've been roaming the night streets of Hell's Kitchen, New York, empty and alone for the past six hours. My rage has been subdued over the last year. I should go home, but it's even lonelier there. I've filled my days with work, training, and sobriety to drown out the memories too difficult to relive.

I pull my vibrating phone out of my pocket.

Sexy Creator Chick (MoMo) now

Twelve hours until your flight to Japan! We can't wait to see you this weekend, Bakugo!

To wash away the regret, I tried to go to rehab and therapy. None have stuck well enough to stop the past from haunting me, but progress is progress. The public disgrace still gets me from time to time, but I've been sticking with my treatment plans.

I've even considered a hero name change.

It's been five years since I raged in bitterness and began leaving a heap of regret in my wake. I did some awful things fueled by resentment and ruined my relationship with my closest friends in life.

Nearly four years since I blew up the greatest love I've ever known and fled Japan, the shame still suffocates my dreams.

It has been three years since I started working on my brokenness.
Two years since I gave up trying.
One year since Tenya asked me to reconsider and recommit to life.
Damn. Where had the time gone?

I'm still working to forgive myself, but I've made progress.

And I left for a reason. I can't forget that. I can accept what I've done, but I still vomit if I think about it too much. Think about, y'know, how much I've fucked up my life. But at this juncture, forgetting anything anymore is futile. How fucked up of the universe for conspiring against me with my Achilles heel like that?

Life is a filthy villain.
It just wanted to pick open the scabbed wound
of insecurity once again.

How could I ever
face him again?
Face any of them?

How could I ever go back?

-8-

I look at the full moon, dripping red above me. It feels too late to go back in time to fix things, but my head keeps craning further up at the stars and the vastness of the voided sky.

Nearly all hope has bled to death, with no balm of redemption in sight, and everything is telling me to stop trying...

.

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But.

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What if…

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.

I fought my way out of Hell for you.

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Izuku?

---

a/n: that was fun! with the solar eclipse in aries bringing so much fiery passion for initiation in my 5H of creativity/passion and conflict in our interpersonal relationships, and since Katsuki Bakugo is an aries who loves a good fight no matter who's on the other side, so today was perfect for releasing my first MHA fanfic [I have only written for Shokugeki no Soma, so you can check those stories out on my profile] and the first of a new alt-universe [AU at UA] I'm working on. so, hi to a new fandom of readers!

i made some stylistic choices that you won't see in my other work, and i hope it was a fun form to get experience. free verse and prose is my poetic jam for storytelling from a first-person narrative. so if book one is a hit, i'll keep working on Book II and III of Bakugo's Inferno, because honestly, the story has just begun...but if not, that's cool too.i also wrote the ending with that in mind. i feel like this is a solid ending to a long one-shot. i still have other stories to share soon.

if you like it, hit that favorite and follow button, or even leave a review!

hope reading this was

PLUS ULTRA!

[I don't own the rights to MHA.]

the cozy writer