Missing piece of my heart
Weeks after the Shibuya incident, she is still everywhere Yuji looks. It is like he conjures her from the deep recesses of his mind. He catches glimpses of her in the tiny, stolen moments of peace that he finds amidst chaos and battles. In the reflection of shattered glass windows or rain puddles. When he walks past the rubble of a store she would have gone to. Even when he closes his eyes at night, he can't stop seeing her face, can't stop hearing her voice.
Perhaps it is a desperate attempt to keep her memory alive. He doesn't know and he doesn't care. He wants to sear her memory into his mind forever, even if it only fills his heart with pain. The loss of Nanami is still so fresh, still makes his eyes prickle with tears, but he simply can't accept that Kugisaki is gone mere moments after his mentor. Every fiber of his being refuses to accept it.
The fear of losing someone else makes him cling that much harder to Fushiguro, and although his broody friend doesn't complain out loud, Yuji can tell that his patience is nearing its limit. He tries his best to let go of the anxiety that fills his every waking moment, and tries to pretend that everything is okay.
It would be much easier to pretend, if Kugisaki didn't haunt his every thought.
Oh, how he misses her.
Yuji doesn't think he will ever recover from losing Kugisaki. He longs to hear her voice and her laughter. He wishes so desperately that she would magically appear in front of him, flip her hair and ask if he really thinks she would kick the bucket so easily.
She has taken a piece of his heart with her and left him with a gaping, aching wound in his chest. It hurts to think about her. It hurts to not think about her.
The grief threatens to consume him entirely. Some days he even wants it to.
It chokes him, and he has to fight tooth and nail to remember the good times, instead of the hurt and horrors of the past weeks. He knows that Kugisaki would rip him a new one, if she could. He wants so badly for her to show up and do just that.
She became his best friend so fast that it scared him sometimes. She appeared out of nowhere and became the most important person to him in no time. They had just clicked, it had been right, and now she is gone and there is just pain. So much pain that he sometimes can't breathe. He digs his nails into his palms until they bleed and watches the drops fall to the floor.
Yuji knows it isn't rational. They had only known each other for a couple of months, but he knows no one will ever take her role in his life. She can't be replaced.
He knows he loved her in some way. Still thinks he does, probably always will, even if it may not be romantically. He will never find out. But he promises himself to always carry her around in his heart.
He looks at his cracked phone screen. He has to preserve the battery for as long as possible, and doesn't switch it on, even if it is tempting. Who knows when he will come across a charger again? All he knows is that his phone contains the pictures that have been taken since he enrolled in Jujutsu High. It is proof that he, Fushiguro and Kugisaki were here together. His palms sting where his nails have broken through skin again.
After a long day of setting up a new hideout, Yuji approaches Fushiguro. A thought occurred to him earlier, and he has not been able to let it go ever since.
Fushiguro looks up from his spot on the floor, waiting patiently for Yuji to break the silence.
"Is this what it felt like, when I was dead?" He needs to know if his own disappearance all those months ago caused his friends the same amount of pain. He dreads Fushiguro's reply, but holds his breath all the same. He has to know.
"Yes."
Yuji doesn't know if he can ever make it up to Fushiguro.