Indescribable and Incalculable

"How have you been?" she asked.

Sirius thought he had the answers to that question. He thought that every time he walked into the healer's office. The answers fled the moment he sat down in the chair. It was easy to write about what he'd done that morning. For some reason, it was hard for him to describe the last few days when she asked. If he were less trusting, he would think the particular chair in her office carried a memory charm.

"I think I'm getting better. I was wearing a glamour yesterday so I could go out in public. I walked through a market where a young woman was playing the violin. She had enchantments on her instrument so it sounded like there were several musicians playing with her. There was also a wizard, and he made amazing figures dance in the air as she played. I listened for almost an hour."

Sirius knew what she was going to ask. Mind Healer Andorra Swann wanted to know more. She always did. All she seemed to do was to listen. That sounds innocent but it meant he had to talk to her.

Sirius continued. "It felt like we were on an adventure together as she made music. We flew in the air and danced and cried. I was grateful that she took me along. And.. and I was angry at her. She was a stranger, and I hated her ability to pull my emotions around even if I didn't want to go with her. I resented her. She could soar like an angel, and I was there.. there stuck on the ground unable to move."

"Let me stop you there. Was it as if she were a free spirit and you were still locked in a cell?" Swann asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, she made something beautiful and I felt like it didn't belong in my world, or I didn't belong in hers."

He took a breath and tried to slow down. It was only a memory of music, but his heart didn't trust that he was safe in a Healer's office. "I.. I felt guilty and left them two sickles. It is all in here," he said.

He patted their journal that was lying across his lap. She touched the duplicate journal on her desk. Whatever they wrote appeared in both notebooks. He noticed that she used a pen rather than a quill.

"I read where you felt like a broken toy. Help me understand that," she asked.

He wanted her to understand. "The world is amazing and frustrating. Then I get angry at myself that I can't do the things I used to do. I'm broken. I wonder if I matter or if anyone needs me anymore."

She nodded. "It is challenging, but there is also a wonderous feeling to learn things again. Listen to that part too. How is your core development coming?"

"I'm up to seventh year spells, but I get tired. It's work."

"Of course it's work. Your exercise is making your magic stronger every day, and I see you're wearing shoes. Are you able to wear them at home?"

Sirius smiled and gave a snort. "I had to. I go walking with Andy in the mornings and with Ted in the evenings. They have a lane that leads to their house. They also left these little plastic blocks on their kitchen floor. Those hurt, so I had to wear shoes inside the house."

Sirius figured out that the small plastic blocks snapped together. He sorted and assembled them just so there were fewer blocks on the floor to hurt his feet. He thought it was Healer Tonks who scattered them across the floor before he got up in the morning. Their trick only worked until he got his magic back and he could sweep the floor with a simple spell. Last week, Andy made up a new rule that he couldn't have tea with her until he put on his shoes.

"Where are you living these days?" the healer asked.

"Mostly at the Tonks. Sometimes I overnight in Director Bones guest house if I have to be at the ministry early in the morning."

"Please put that into our notes. How are things going at the ministry?"

"I'm a plaintiff and a witness. It's work, but it's better than being one of the defendants," he said.

Healer Swann tilted her head. "I bet it is. Your parents abused you and your brother. After that you became an Auror, and Aurors enforce society's rules. You used to work in the ministry, yet so did the people who put you in Azkaban. I wondered how you felt about that."

"First, it stinks. Parents.. adults shouldn't hurt children. That doesn't mean that all families are bad. I loved living with the Potters. I know that some people abuse their authority. My parents did. Some of the Aurors did, and we threw them out when we found them. That means we have to pay attention to people in power. I guess I trust some of them because I know them, if that makes sense. I see them try to do the right thing even if they fail some of the time."

Andorra was taking notes. "That distinction is important. You saw that some people can't be trusted yet you risked making close friends. As obvious as that sounds, not everyone can do that. It is one of your strengths. You also know people who felt overwhelmed or ran away. I'd like you to write down your thoughts about that during the week.

"I spoke with Healer Tonks. She says you're getting much stronger. Are you still taking the potions she prescribed?"

"I'll be done at the end of the week." He smiled at the Mind Healer. Being done with the potions meant his body was healing.

"That's good. I have some potions that I want you to take once she's done. I liked the way you put notes around your memories as you wrote," she said.

"Yeah, I added to that list of people I used to know. I was surprised how good that felt. But it was also sad. One of the Aurors I worked with was murdered. I found out that Pandora Lovegood died. She's.. just gone.. and I never got to say goodbye. I bought a new owl and sent a message to Xeno asking if we could have dinner sometime. Xeno and Pandora were great friends from school. They have a daughter I've never seen," Sirius said.

Mind Healer Andorra Swann felt for him. He was writing out his connections and his losses. It was easier to consider those things one at a time as they were set down in ink rather than to let the memories drowned him all at once.

"Thank you for working on the list of your friends, and I want you to keep doing that. I'm sorry about your friend who died and glad you reached out to Wizard Lovegood. I'm still concerned about the hound. How are you doing at staying on two feet?" she asked.

This was embarrassing. He felt like shaking his head and his back but that was a gesture for the hound rather than the man. "I spent a few minutes as the dog last night so I could relax and go to sleep."

"And how did you sleep after that?"

"Pretty well. Just normal dreams."

"No more Dreamless Sleep? No nightmares?" she asked.

"Not this week," he said. His last bout of nightmares had been a few weeks ago.

Andorra sat back in her chair and looked at him. "Sirius, you spent a lot of time in your dog form for the last several years. I want you to completely stop that for at least the next four months. If you need to, then only use it a few minutes before bedtime, but I want you to reduce that over the next two weeks. Use it less and less, and then no more hound after that.

"I know you needed it in Azkaban, but now the hound is holding you back. Stay away from the dog park. Fill your life up with other things instead. I have some adventures for you once you outgrow the hound."

"What? What do you have planned?" he asked.

"You have felt things I can only imagine. I want to show you that the world is wonderful in ways you can't see right now. Before Azkaban, you could go anywhere and do anything. I know a tour guide who will take you up into the southern alps and then down to the Mediterranean. She calls it the snow and sand tour," she said.

"Umm.."

"It will happen. Give it time. There is a big world out there." His world had been a 3 by 4 room. He deserved to see the world again, but step at a time. "I see that you're reading the papers and listening to the news. Good work."

"I.. I booked a fishing trip this weekend, and I signed up for a muggle exercise group like you suggested. I wanted to wait on the dueling class," he said.

The Healer nodded before she spoke. "Oh, I went fishing once. I couldn't do it because I felt sorry for the fish," she said. Then she laughed at herself.

She was taking notes again. Mind Healer Andorra Swann was an unassuming witch in appearance, though perhaps a bit lean. She was quietly perceptive. She listened and she heard everything. The items he avoided told her as much about his progress as the activities he had accomplished. She gave little sympathy for excuses.

"Right. This is magical fishing," Sirius said. "We go to places where people lose things and we try to retrieve them with magic. They pull keys and coins up out of the water and the sand. The company provides the staffs. Sometimes they find phones, and it isn't like we can hurt a muggle mobile phone after it's been underwater. It sounded like an adventure and they provide lunch or dinner," he said.

The healer leaned forward. "I haven't heard of that. How did you discover it?"

"One of the Aurors was talking about it. They have good charms so the muggles only see walking sticks rather than magical staffs. During the day, they wear binoculars so they look like birdwatchers," he added.

"I might try that, and I'm glad you're talking to people."

"I almost asked Amy to go out to a dinner theater with me." Sirius looked down at his hands after he confessed.

"You didn't ask her?" She wondered why he hadn't asked his friend out to dinner.

"I need to be there for Harry. Did I tell you I met him in Minerva's office at Hogwarts? I gave him a mirror so we can talk when he's not in class. I was thinking of buying him a new broom. In three weeks, we'll meet in Hogsmeade."

"Hmm. Perhaps," she said. She didn't share his enthusiasm.

"I get to go out with my godson. What's 'perhaps' about that?" he asked.

Healer Andorra Swann sipped from her cup before she answered. How did other Mind Healers manage if they didn't have a cup to hide behind while they collected their thoughts and chose their words. Maybe they wrote themselves notes as they thought.

"Sirius, I reviewed some recent papers on post-traumatic growth. You can come out of this stronger than you were before. They locked you away for 12 years with the Dementors. You lived on your own for almost two years. You've only been a free man living indoors for six weeks. You are making wonderful progress. Now think about Harry for a moment. He is at the age where young men form a lot of relationships, first with their friends and then with young witches.

"Harry's foster parents were indifferent and cruel. I want you to show Harry that friendship and love can last. I want you to have great relationships, but you're not quite ready for them. I want you and your friends to be good models for Harry. You might not see it yet, but the Sirius Black he meets today will be a different Sirius Black in another few weeks. I know Harry means a lot to you, but he is a 14-year-old boy. He can't be your primary relationship. That isn't fair to either of you."

"So you think I shouldn't see him?" Sirius frowned and looked away.

"That's very black and white thinking, and not what I said."

"So you think I should go out on a date with Amy then?" Sirius was grasping at answers.

"I didn't say that either. Did you sign up for a spa treatment like I suggested? I didn't see that in our notes."

"I.. No. That's frightening. I don't want other people touching me." Sirius put his hands up as if to push someone away.

His innocent vulnerability reminded her of someone who was profoundly ticklish.

"Thank you for your honesty. I understand that, but I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Lots of people who have been abused don't want to be touched. That causes other problems.

"Keep an open mind. I suspect you'll want to go to the spa after a few sessions in your strength training class. When you take the dueling class, then the spa can help work out the magical aches and pains too.

"The last time we talked, you were having a problem hiding food in your room. Tell me about that."

"That was last week. I was eating five times a day until a few weeks ago. I started putting the food in my pockets when we reduced the number of meals. Now we have two containers with my name on them. One sits on the kitchen counter and the other one is in the refrigerator with a stasis charm. I can eat out of those whenever I want. We refill them after breakfast every day."

"And knowing that you selected the food and that it belongs to you, that helps you feel better?" she asked.

"Yes, at least for a while. I'm not so sure about it now. Andy and Ted tease me about sharing my cache with them, but they leave it up to me." Sirius's private hoard of biscuits was a running joke between the three of them. They took turns buying their favorite style and flavor.

"Is your Hippogriff in good health?" she asked.

"He is. He is staying out in the Hebrides at the dragon preserve. He has to live under an assumed name for now. That was hard for him, but he accepted it after we named him Grawp after Hagrid's half-brother. We paid the farmer for the livestock he ate, so that seems to have settled the neighborhood again."

Healer Swann wondered how Sirius would manage taking care of a teenage boy if he forgot to feed a Hippogriff. She had seen what hungry boys could do to a well-stocked cupboard. They seemed to eat as much and as often as Sirius did now.

That reminded her. "Did you hear anything more from Professor Hagrid yet?" She looked in their journal again and turned back a few pages.

"I got his owl this morning! I start next week. Amy called me a professor and asked what I was going to teach. I said I was going to shovel manure. She didn't believe me, not at first."

He was proud of himself. Healer Swann was proud of him too.

"It was a brilliant idea to work with Hagrid caring for magical creatures. I'm asking for a favor. It is important to me that you leave lots of notes so I can see your progress as you work with the animals. Write the morning after each visit if you can. I may suggest it to some of my other patients if it works well for you. That means you're helping other people by taking good notes.

"Let's start with half-a-day each week with magical creatures, and we'll add more as you get stronger." She was writing into their journal.

"Let me add to your list. I want you to sign up for a massage class where you learn to give deep magical massages. It will also help you with your magical core development. There!" she said as she finished writing.

He was sure the words were already copied into his journal. He had more homework.. again.

Merlin, what a strange idea, taking a class to learn to touch someone. After a decade of living in the cells of Azkaban, the thought made his skin crawl. He'd let them pet the hound but he didn't want them to touch his human form. Shoveling unicorn poop seemed infinitely more appealing.

She pulled him out of his thoughts. "You talked about getting your hair and beard trimmed. I want you to do that this week and make the appointment today after you leave.

"Sirius, do you believe in Seers, people who can read the future?" she asked.

Sirius liked it when she talked even if he had to struggle to keep up with her. If she was talking then he didn't have to reach down for answers, at least for a moment.

Sirius answered her question. "I think Pandora Lovegood was a Seer. She couldn't see her own death from a miscast spell, so she missed a pretty big event," he said.

Healer Swann continued. "They say that Seers run in my family but I don't believe them. I think there are too many futures even if we live the simplest lives. We make thousands of decisions every day. We decide to think about something or do something now, rather than do it earlier or later. For every choice, there are a thousand ways to feel about it. Did you and I have a good session today or a bad one? Multiply those combinations by all the people who touch our lives every day. The present is indescribable and the future is incalculable.

"Take the example of the musician you heard. You gave her your attention and she took you on a wonderful journey. If you sat there and were concentrating on writing in our journal, then her music would only be background sounds. She played the same notes, but the experience was completely different depending on which Sirius Black sat down to listen."

She stopped and let that sink in for a moment. She opened their journal and started writing again.

"Have your hair cut and your beard trimmed. No more than 5 minutes of hound before bed. Taper down over two weeks. When you're with Hagrid, no more than one human-sized drink a day. I'd prefer it if you avoided alcohol, but I want you to enjoy being with friends. I'm putting you on butterbeer or half-pints for now. Record it in your journal or I'll send you a howler. Worse yet, I ask Healer Tonks to remind you."

Andorra Swann looked up from their journal and stared at him. She scrunched-up her face as if she were threatening him with a snarl. Then she laughed at herself and he couldn't help but do the same.

She glanced up at the clock, and then wrote some more.

"I have a question I want you to write about. What are the most significant moments of your life?"

"What? Is there a right answer to that?"

"Certainly. There are a million right answers, but that shows my bias. You write about you and we'll talk about it next week."

HPHPHP

Author's Notes- Feedback is appreciated.

How do damaged people put their lives back together? I am not a therapist so don't copy my characters. By the end of 1982, the Brits had come back from the Falklands war. Their medical community was thrown into another crash course in psychological trauma care. That is one situation where reality is far ahead of art and popular culture.

Please give yourself a pat on the back if you caught the reference to Legos.

Here are parts of the story that didn't make the cut. Look deeply into my waste basket.

HPHP

"I saw the story in The Prophet. I thought you did a good job with the Minister for Magic," she said.

"Thank you," he said. Standing in front of the reporters while Minister Fudge talked was hard. Of course he wanted his freedom, but seeing the reporters staring at him made him want to run away and hide. He had forced himself to stand still and play neither the mad man nor the playboy that they had come to see.

"Congratulations on getting your wand, and I like your choice. My husband wears a wand holster that looks like yours."

She must have had her wand and holster hidden with a notice-me-not charm. He looked away. He didn't want to offend her by studying her too closely.

She was taking notes again.

-Finite-