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AvalonReeseFanFics

A/N: Happy hump day my wonderful readers! How are all of you today? I got a real treat for you here. We got some really cute moments, we got some back story, and of course, because I can't resist, we got some angst. But are you guys ready for more backstory on Rowan? Are. You. READY?! So we got cute fluffy stuff, Rowan being ridiculous, and more backstory. I promise it ends cutely. I promise. Don't forget to tell me what you think! See you guys on Friday!

Chapter 127

The blue truck sped through the jungle and with each mile it travelled the farther they got away from the city she loved, the running water, the working toilets, the Wi-Fi she was addicted to, and all the modern comforts she didn't know why anyone would give up.

Rowan turned back to Steve who looked more than comfortable behind the wheel. He was in his favourite pair of tan cargo pants, a grey tank top and his tan dress shirt all unbuttoned with the sleeves all rolled up. He looked damn fine, even if he was in cargo pants.

This camping trip was a month in the making. Rowan had enjoyed the shopping aspect part of this trip. Getting herself hiking boots, and a pair of cargo pants that matched Steve's. She had got herself a backpack and a Patriots baseball hat. Which was an oxymoron and a half because they were a football team, but whatever. She had bought herself her own canteen, a flashlight, a sleeping bag, bug repellent, proper thick socks.

She had spent the last two weeks walking around in her hiking boots to wear them in, she had practiced pitching a tent, drinking from a canteen and she even slept the last few nights on the floor to get used to the ground, which was much easier to do when Steve's arms. She was fairly confident that she was ready for this.

Steve got to their drop point. He parked his truck and they went about getting ready. He was carrying all the heavy stuff, like the tent they'd be sleeping in and their water supply and most of their food, Rowan had the light stuff, like the pillows the blankets and snacks.

"Alright… uh… you ready?"

Rowan looked up to the mountain he expected her to climb. She saw no trail, just a wall of trees. She turned her confused eyes to him.

"Where's the trail?"

"Well… I'm going to make the trail."

And that's when she noticed the machete in his hands. Rowan blinked her eyes at him. "Steven," she growled. "You said we were going to go easy on me, remember? This was supposed to be a beginner's weekend to see if I like camping, this wasn't supposed to be you going Rambo in the jungle and dragging me along for the ride."

"Okay, calm down. I'm not going Rambo, do you see any guns or ammo on me? Look, you don't have to do anything but follow me. I'll make the trail, just stay behind me and everything will be fine, okay?"

Oh this fucking asshole, walking around like he was the Hawaiian Pathfinder. He knew, he knew, that she didn't want to do this, he had had to BEG her to agree to this, and he had promised it wouldn't be that hard. But now expecting her to climb a mountain without a trail like she was Pocahontas or some bullshit, she got winded walking around the fucking block. She could already feel her legs cramping and she hadn't started walking yet.

"If I fall off this goddamn mountain, Steve, you're not getting laid for a month," she grumbled. He shot her an apologetic smile and though she much rather sleep in his truck she still followed him as he headed for the foliage, machete ready to hack them a path.

It was a good thing he was so goddamn hot, and she knew that as soon as he over heated he'd take that shirt off for her. Otherwise this whole excursion wouldn't be worth it in the end.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

"I'm out of water."

Steve turned. His eyes finding Rowan who was doubled over, huffing and puffing, her canteen at her feet. He'd accuse her of dropping it and spilling all her water if it wasn't for the fact that this was the fourth time she had run out of water.

"Again?" he asked.

Rowan's death glare found him and he frowned. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. She was sweating, she had tied up the shirt she was wearing to bare her midriff, he had taken most of the food from her already because her bag was too heavy and she was very much out of breath.

He thought she looked lovely. Except he knew, even though she hadn't said anything, that she was absolutely miserable. She hated this, she wasn't having fun and as a result neither was he. Why did he force her to come here with him? It wasn't like she forced him to all of her activities, she asked politely and when he said no she'd ask someone else to go with her, like Danny, Chin, Kono and now Jerry… or Max if she thought he'd like it… and Grover too if she was desperate. The problem was Steve didn't want her going with other people, so he'd cave and go with her despite her saying it was okay and that he didn't have to come.

It was a scam, he was sure of it. He just didn't have the heart to stop and there was no way to prove she was doing it on purpose.

Steve glanced back to the path he was making. They weren't even half way. At this rate they weren't even going to make it to the campsite before dark. But he didn't want to say that to her, he didn't want to make this situation worse.

"Okay… uh… here, take mine," he said handing her the canteen that he wasn't sure was his anymore because they had traded so many times and watched her drink it. He picked up hers but didn't go to fill it yet. He wasn't thirsty right now anyway. "Alright… look… I'm not gonna lie we're making terrible progress…"

Rowan groaned. "Steve… Steve I told you this was a bad idea. Maybe… maybe I should just go back…"

He noted that she suggested that she go by herself. He didn't want that. The point was that they were together. "No Rowan, that's not the point, okay, it's not," he snapped. "How about this. I'll go ahead, since I'm faster, carve open the path for you, and then you can follow at your own leisure, okay, you won't have to feel like you have to keep up with me. And when I get up to the campsite I'll double back for you okay?"

Rowan looked around. "You're going to leave me out here by myself? What if there are bears, Steven?"

"On Hawaii?"

"Fine. Snakes."

"Scream really loud I'll come right back" he answered, his tone clipped.

Rowan took in the tone, took in the stiffness in his shoulders and suddenly frowned. She lowered her eyes to her shoes. "I'm sorry."

Steve paused. Fuck. No. They weren't supposed to be arguing. This was supposed to be fun. This was supposed to be going better than it was.

"It's not your fault. Look I guess I can… I can go slower if you want… or maybe we can go back…"

Rowan set her shoulders and when her eyes found his again she was wearing a look of sheer determination. "No you're right. We can do this. You… you go ahead and I'll follow after. But I swear to god Steven you better come save me the second I scream for you."

He leant in to kiss her solidly, glad that she had changed her mind. "I promise, I won't be too far."

She tried to smile at him and Steve had to force himself to move away before he changed his own mind. He still wanted this to be a good night, he still wanted to make this worth their while. After this he'd have to really… really have to be romantic to make this up to her and he wasn't sure he could afford another Danny-inspired date.

He'd think of something though. He'd have to.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

Steve had made it to the summit where they would be camping for the weekend three hours after leaving Rowan behind. Every now and then as he was chopping through the foliage he'd call out for her, and every time she'd answer, saying she was fine.

Problem was, Steve got the camp site all set up and ready for them, tent pitched, camp fire burning and dinner cooking and Rowan still hadn't found her way up there. It was starting to get dark what was taking this girl so long?

Sighing to himself, Steve made his way back down the trail he had forged with a flashlight in hand looking for the girl he never should have left behind. And the farther down he went the more nervous and angrier he got. God he never should have left her, she must have fallen off the damn mountain. He should have checked for her ages ago.

If something happened to her, he'd never forgive himself.

So when he found her he was understandably very relieved… and very annoyed because she literally hadn't gotten very far. What the hell was this girl's problem? She was just standing there holding onto a tree, her backpack resting beside her while she seemingly stared at the ground like she thought it held all the answers.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Rowan's eyes whipped up to him. "Oh, hey. Uh… am I almost there?"

No, no she wasn't but he didn't say that to her. Instead Steve took a step closer to her, very suspicious of her behaviour. "Why are you holding onto a tree?"

Rowan looked to the tree in her arms like she was noticing it for the first time. "I thought it was lonely," she said after a moment of silence. "I felt like it needed a hug."

Ah shit. That was a very bizarre and clearly made up excuse. She was obviously hurt and trying to hide it from him, otherwise she would have thought up of a better lie.

"Okay, what happened?"

"Nothing happened."

"Did you fall? Are you hurt? Did you see a snake? What is happening right now?"

"I said I'm fine Steven," she growled and he sighed back at her. God why was she being so difficult? He was there to help her, why wouldn't she let him?

Steve rested back on his laurels as he glared at her. He knew she was lying, so he just crossed his arms over his chest and issued a challenge: "Alright, walk to me then."

Rowan blinked her eyes at him. "Yeah… you know what, I really feel like me and this tree have bonded so… like… I wanna say a proper good-bye to old Willow…" "That's a Banyan tree, Ro." "Yes and I named her Willow, now if you don't mind? Some privacy would be nice."

"I'll just wait."

"Steve, just go, I'll be right behind you."

Steve sat himself down and then stared at her. Rowan sighed at him realizing he wasn't going to leave her alone there, so she let go of the tree and took one step. And limped.

It was her right foot, she couldn't put pressure on her right foot. Steve stood up immediately and crossed to her. She was already shaking her head and trying to ward him off. "It's fine I just have something in my shoe."

Steve knelt down in front of her and probed at her ankle. As soon as he pulled it up to his knee to rest her foot on him, her hands went to his shoulders to steady herself. He touched it briefly and her fingers dug into his shoulder, which was not a good sign. He could already tell it was swollen and he could see bruising but what had him more worried was the fact that his fingers were wet. "Ro… you're bleeding…"

"Oh… that's probably just the blisters," she whispered. Steve's eyes whipped up to her face. Blisters? She had blisters this whole time? Fuck… maybe she hadn't been stopping to drink all that water… maybe she had been stopping because her feet hurt and he hadn't noticed. "It's fine, I'm fine."

No Steve wasn't having this, he left her side only to shoulder her backpack before returning to her and scooping her up in his arms. She protested like he knew she would but that only last a few moments. She was tired and in pain, she needed him and it pained him that she had been on her own for so long needing him. Why hadn't she called for him, or had she and he was just too far ahead to hear her?

"You should have told me," he growled. "I would have stopped."

"I didn't want to slow you down anymore then I already was. You were so… I unno… upset about me needing to stop so much…"

Fuck. He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have brought her here. This was doing nothing but making it more glaringly obvious that they had nothing but great sex in common. How long would it be before Rowan realized that? Before she realized that he had nothing to offer her except his battle-weary heart and battle-scared body? Mind blowing sex really only kept a girl occupied for so long.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that," he muttered because that was all he could think to say. Rowan answered him by resting her head on his shoulder and his heart fluttered in his chest. "You should have called me, you know, I would have come to get you."

"I know. But I wanted to do it myself… and I didn't want you to worry."

As opposed to him worrying when she took forever to make it up to their campsite. How was she going to walk, when her feet were causing her that much pain? Still he gripped her tightly to his chest as he walked because his heart was still racing with the worry and holding her made him feel better. He made it up to their campsite and put Rowan into the tent he had gotten ready for them. All they were missing was the extra blanket he had her carrying and the pillows. As he set her down, he handed her the backpack.

"Okay, uh get your boots off. I have a first aid kid in my bag, you get everything out and I'll help you out if you need it."

"I can take care of myself. Why don't you start on dinner? I'm starving."

Dinner was already cooking, he had it in a pot on the fire already. But he diligently went to check it while she pried her boots off and hissed in pain under her breath. Steve tried to ignore it, he tried to let her do it by herself but she was wincing as she looked over her feet.

He just wanted to soothe her. He just wanted to make her feel better by any means necessary. But as soon as he got close enough to see the damage that was done to her, he was angry and afraid all over again.

"Fuck. Rowan."

She looked up to him surprised and then back down to her feet. "I mean… it's not that bad."

Her heels were lacerated on both feet, she had blisters along the outside of her feet by her big toe, but it was the fact that her right ankle was a dark purple and twice it's normal size that had Steve swearing like he was.

"Rowan… you… you fell didn't you?" he asked. She opened her mouth and Steve frowned at her. "Don't you fucking lie to me, Ro."

"Okay… yeah… I fell," she admitted. "I uh… not gonna lie I think I heard a snap. But that also might have been the branches of the bush I fell into. At least… I'm hoping it's the bush."

Steve felt at her ankle watching each wince and trying to feel for anything that wasn't supposed to be there. "It doesn't feel broken," he whispered after a moment of silent contemplation. That was a good thing.

"Okay, that's good."

"No, we're going home. Right now."

Rowan grabbed his shoulders before he could get up to put out the fire. "No, no we are not. You put a lot of thought and planning into this and we are already here. And let's face it, I won't make it down a mountain like this."

"I'm going to carry you."

"You're going to carry two backpacks, all our supplies and me?" she asked. Okay why was she doubting him? "No Steven. It's getting dark. Let's just stay here. At least for the night. And if it's not better by tomorrow we'll go back… fair?"

Okay so maybe she had a point. He was kind of tired. And he really was looking forward to sex in the tent… even though it was looking like he was going to have to settle with cuddling only tonight.

"Fine. But I'm going to wrap it up for you okay. That should help with the swelling since I don't have ice."

"Yeah? Would you? I mean… it's not too nasty or anything."

Steve looked down at her cute little toes with the cotton candy pink nail polish and then back up to her with a smile on his face. "You have cute toes. I've told you that before babe."

Rowan giggled at him and then let him wrap her up. He could salvage this. One night wouldn't be too hard and then tomorrow he'd take her home.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

It started raining while they were sleeping. It was pouring by the time they were both awake and then there was another problem. Steve couldn't get them home in this weather, not if he had to carry her, not when mud slides could happen. It wouldn't do to have both of them sliding down the mountain, now would it?

Both Rowan and Steve sat by the mouth of their tent looking up at the water falling down.

"Uh… how long do you think it'll rain like this?" she asked.

Steve sighed as he looked up at the clouds above them, dark as the night sky. "Uh… probably all day."

"Oh, well isn't that just wonderful," she grumbled. "Well looks like we're not going anywhere today. Good thing I brought a book to read."

She moved back towards the sleeping bags and pillows lying herself back down. She'd probably doze off, but he knew whatever book she brought wouldn't keep her entertained for long and then she'd be bored. And then what? More sex? Steve loved having sex with her, and she rarely turned him down, but he couldn't fill their whole day with sex. Not when she was sore from the hike and her ankle hurt.

Swallowing his anger and frustration he forced himself up and out of the tent ignoring Rowan's cries for him. He needed to move, he needed to do… something. Maybe the hiking trails weren't that bad, maybe… if he found a proper one near-by they could take that one down the mountain.

"Where are you going?"

Steve stopped and turned, Rowan was out of the tent, the boots that had lacerated her heels back on her feet. She had followed him out into the rain. Why? She was in so much pain, why would she do that?

She took two hobbling steps towards him before he remembered that he shouldn't be letting her walk. He crossed to her and tried to push her back towards the tent, but she wouldn't let him. "I'm going to look for a way down, just stay here, stay dry."

Rowan's fingers gripped his shirt tightly. "No. Steve. It's fine. We'll stay up here. Come on, baby, please. Don't leave me up here alone. I can't protect myself when I'm fine, you're gonna expect me to do it while I'm injured?"

Rowan could take care of herself just fine, he knew that, he just didn't trust her to do it, he'd rather take care of her himself. But they couldn't argue about this out in the rain so he followed her into the tent. He took the towel he had brought with himself out and immediately helped her dry herself off. She'd have to change again, and god he'd love to help her with that but he really needed to find a way to get them out of this situation.

"Okay, so stay here, Rowan… stay…" he tried to tell her but Rowan launched herself at him, her arms wrapping around his neck in a deathly vice grip. "Fuck, Rowan, let go!"

"No, not until you say you'll stay with me."

"I can't breathe."

Rowan paused. "Are you just saying that to get me to let go or can you really not breathe?"

"Rowan!" he wheezed and she let go of his neck but her hands stayed on his shoulders.

She looked so scared staring up at him with misting blue eyes that Steve knew she had already won. He wasn't going to leave her, but she might break up with him after this. Better to cherish the time he had left with her because once they got off this mountain he was going to lose her, he just knew it.

"Is something wrong Steven? Are we… in danger or something?"

Steve shook his head as he busied himself with taking off both her boots and his. "I just… you're hurt."

"True, but that's okay. I don't mind. With you here beside me, all wet and handsome, I don't even notice the pain." She said with a grin and he shot her a soft smile as he carefully took off the boot on her injured ankle. Once it was off and she was done wincing she put on a fake smile and an even faker voice to ask: "Hey… can we make tea maybe?"

"With what fire, Rowan?"

Rowan frowned again and Steve realized he had snapped at her, great. Just… just great. But Rowan was being patient with him. "I unno, I just thought… you being a super SEAL and all that, that if anyone could make a fire in the rain it would be you."

Steve shook his head. So she had faith in his survival skills but not his ability to get them down the mountain? "I mean, if I had dry wood, I could make like… a little alcove and get a fire going there, but our firewood is soaked."

"Okay… that's fine, I don't need a tea and I have you to keep me warm and I'm sure we can survive on the granola bar… and you brought your rations…"

Steve had turned away from her, sitting back down and facing the mouth of the tent. She was trying so hard but it didn't change anything.

"Hey… what's… what's wrong?" she asked softly. Steve pulled his knees up and sighed. Might as well get it over with now, before she did it to him.

"This isn't going to work is it?"

Rowan was silent a moment as she took that in. "What are you talking about?" she asked. "Where… where is this coming from?"

"We have nothing in common, Rowan. You don't like sports or hiking, or camping, I fall asleep in plays and ballets, and I hate musicals. We… I mean… what's going to keep us together?"

"Hey, hey!" she said draping herself against him, her hand on his shoulder. "Opposites attract Steven."

"Yeah but that doesn't keep people together."

"It does with magnets."

"We're not magnets Rowan."

Steve looked away from her, he had to. He felt like everything was coming crashing down around him. And she was so beautiful, knowing that they were going to end hurt more.

"You're being silly Steven," she whispered. "Okay, so you don't like plays, and I don't like camping, you know what we do have in common?"

She was going to say sex. But sex couldn't keep them together, sex wasn't going to save their relationship, which Steve was quickly realizing he wanted more than anything.

"What?" he found himself whispering.

"How much we care for each other… and other people." Steve turned to her, he looked deep into those clear blue eyes and felt his heart soar up into his mouth. "I care for you so much, I care for Danny and Chin and Kono, just like you do. There isn't a single thing I wouldn't do to protect you or them, just like I know you would all go to hell and back to protect me. I care enough about you, Steven, to try. Yes I don't like camping, yes this trip has been a disaster but Steven this was just too hard for me."

Steven laughed yeah, it really was, wasn't it? "You knew I was a beginner and you have us out here climbing up mountain sides and trail blazing. I mean, come on. You had to know that I would have trouble with this."

"I guess I was just so excited to get you into camping that…"

"Steve we should have started out by camping in your back yard," she interrupted and he found himself chuckling again. "I'm… I'm sorry I'm not like Catherine. I'm sorry I can't put on some fatigues and rough it out in the wild and maybe I'll never like camping but that doesn't mean I won't go with you. Maybe, once my boots have been worn in better, we can try some easier hiking trails. I don't mind hiking if it's with you, especially since you're always taking me pretty places."

She thought he wanted her to be like Catherine? No, that wasn't… that wasn't what he wanted her to take from this. Steve turned to her and took a hold of the hand that had been on his shoulder and held it tightly in his grip as he looked into her eyes. "I don't want you to be like Catherine, but I'm not going to say that I don't want you to wear the uniform cause I'm thinking about it now and damn that looks hot in my head."

"Oh I'm sure I can pull it off no problem."

"Kay, stop distracting me," he growled lowly, afraid they'd devolve into kissing and he'd never tell her what he wanted to tell her. "You're right though. I do care about you, very much and I guess… I guess I'm afraid that I'm not good enough and if we don't have anything in common you'll…"

"I had someone with a lot in common with me though, and Alex and I have not lasted, now have we?" Rowan asked. Of course not, because Steve had dedicated almost all of his time keeping them apart and screwing them up. "I'm sorry, but you're stuck with me Steven McGarrett, because I have not gone through two years of utter bullshit for nothing. You got me?"

At this Steve kissed her, tugging her tightly to his chest and growling into her giggling kisses. He realized that he was the most dangerous thing to their relationship. His paranoia and untrusting nature would be what got them in the end. He'd still worry, he knew that much, but for right now, right at this moment, he wasn't going to worry at all. All he had to worry about was how to have sex with her in that tent with an injured ankle.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

Lightning flashed, thunder crashed and Rowan pitched up and out of their makeshift bed. So many things were running around in her head she didn't know what was real, where she was or what she was going on. Echoes of pain and terror had a hold of her and she was just trying to get away from it all. But it was all behind her eyes and she couldn't stop seeing.

That man's face hovering over her as his hands burned against the sensitive private parts of her. A twisted blonde smiling as she plunged a knife into her stomach. The darkness of a water filled tunnel as a man tied her to a radiator.

She twisted out of the heavy heated confines, and out into the rain, her ankle twisting under her. She collapsed to the mud and bit back her cry of pain. She wanted to go home. She was going to get home even if it killed her

"Rowan! What are you…? Rowan stop!"

Hands grabbed and she cried out. "No! Stop!" she lashed out at whoever was trying to grab her. Leave me alone, she wanted to scream but whatever had her refused to let go of her no matter how many times she hit it.

The person grabbed her wrists and kept her from moving. Panic took her over.

"No! Stop it. Let me go! Mal! Trevor! Help!" words hit her ears but she didn't recognize them as her own, all she knew was the fear, she didn't want to hurt anymore, she didn't want to be alone in the dark, she wanted the monsters to go away. Where was Trevor? Where was Malcolm? Where was… "STEVEN!"

"Rowan it's me, it's me, Rowan, baby, stop, stop it's me."

She was flat against his chest, his hands holding her wrists between them so she wouldn't hit him anymore. Belatedly she realized that she was out in the rain, tucked tightly to Steve's chest as he stared down at her.

And just like that she was properly awake.

"Oh… oh god…"

"Are… are you okay now? Are you good, can I take you... can we go back inside?" he asked.

Rowan didn't even get to properly nod before he had her up and back inside the tent. The towel came out again and he was quickly rubbing her dry.

She took a good look at him and realize that she had probably hurt him. He had scratches on his collarbones and a redness under his right eye. Her fingertips traveled to each bruise and scratch they could find, knowing that it was the same hands touching him now that had hurt him.

"Oh god Steven… I'm so sorry… I didn't… I thought…"

Steve stopped trying to dry her off and turned his eyes to her. "It's okay, hey baby, it's okay. But I gotta know what was that Rowan… what happened? What happened there?"

Rowan lowered her eyes. "I guess… I guess I got stuck in a nightmare."

"What the hell did you see that had you that scared?"

"No… not that kind of dream." He looked confused so Rowan decided to tell him the truth. "I was having a nightmare about… other things… things that I have been through."

"Like what?"

"A lot of things. A lot of little things I try to not remember," she whispered. "They're hard to talk about."

Steve sighed like she had disappointed him and for a second Rowan's heart cracked a little bit under the weight of it. "I'm sorry… I just don't like… talking about them."

"I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"Do you always have to help me? Can't you just hold me?"

"I tried and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get a black eye for my troubles," he said pointing to the eye in question. Rowan winced, okay, he had a point.

"Why don't you want to talk about it? Is it cause you think I can't handle it, or because you can't?"

"A little bit of both…" she whispered and then glanced up at him. "They're like… my ugly bits. I want to keep them hidden for as long as I can."

Rowan looked down, missing the warm gentle look of Steve's that caressed her features. He took his giant warm hands and cupped her face in them. "There isn't a single bit of you that isn't beautiful, Rowan. And if you're ready, if it would help you… I'd like to hear all about your ugly bits. I'd like to decide if they're ugly for myself, thank you."

Outside their tent the storm raged, a loud booming peel of thunder that had Rowan clamouring back into Steve's arms. He held her softly his hands rubbing up and down her back as she shook against him.

"Okay, you're cold," he whispered, tugging at her shirt. "Let's get you out of these wet clothes, okay?"

She let him pull her shirt up, let him hold her to his chest so she could leech his warmth from him as he rooted through his bag. "Here you can wear my sweater…"

Or she could show him some of her ugliness.

She took the sweater dropped it to her lap and then took a hold of one of Steven's hands. Steve stared at her as she placed his hand to the tattoo on her left side.

"Babe… I… you're beautiful and I love your tattoos but you're cold and I'm not in the mood," he whispered but Rowan wasn't trying to fuck him right now. She found the part she wanted him to feel and then put his fingertips to it. "Wait… what is that… is that a scar?"

Rowan looked up to him, held his gaze and then very carefully said: "Mhmm… that's where I got stabbed."

"Where you got… WHAT?!"

Rowan pulled the sweater over her head, pulled the shorts she had been sleeping in, off and then got under the sleeping blanket that Steve hadn't wanted on him but dealt with cause Rowan needed it. She nodded to him and he just sat there staring at her a look of utter pain on his face.

"When did you get stabbed?"

"Before I came here. I… uh… it's… it's hard for me to talk about because up until that point… I was invincible… or at least I thought I was… and this," she looked down to where she knew the figure skate was tattooed to her side, she had used the scar as the blade. "This proved to me that I wasn't."

Steve settled down in front of her. "How did it happen?"

Rowan took a deep breath and looked away from him. "We were on our third placement with Protective Custody… we were in Ireland… I convinced Trevor to go out on a date with Malcolm, uhm if you don't know remember, Malcolm, Mal, was our handler. They had just started dating… kind of… and I convinced them to leave me behind so they could have a night out. I figured, we were safe… they hadn't found us yes and, you know, I had a cast on my leg and there wasn't any trouble I could get in and uh… Irina Stepanov proved us wrong."

"Why do I know that name?"

"Probably because her father, Victor Stepanov, is a very dangerous Russian Mafioso who runs alcohol, drugs and explosives. I uh… checked with ATF they uh… they all exist here and they…. haven't changed."

Steve just stared at her. "And why did his daughter have a problem with you?"

"That gang I was get-away-driving for. It was a gang run by Roman Stepanov, her twin brother." "Okay so you were going to testify against her brother…" "Roman Stepanov was one of the men in the car with me when I crashed it."

Steve stared at her taking that in. "She uh… she had met me before, she knew how good a driver I was and she guessed that if I crashed a car that I had done it on purpose. Anyway, she uh, broke in while Trev and Mal were out, and uh… she beat me up, made me admit that I crashed the car on purpose and then stuck a knife into my side. Trevor and Malcolm had an argument and came home early and found me and… yeah… once I was stabilized we moved onto our fourth placement, which was in Hawaii but I was so sickly after that I never went outside, by the time I was better they got word that we might have been compromised and they moved us again."

Steve blinked his eyes at her. "So that was the dream then?"

"Part of it," she whispered. "I just… I don't do well in the dark anymore and the rain… it just… it reminds me of things."

"Like what?"

"Like being tied to a radiator in dark musty wet tunnels not sure which reality I'm in let alone how to get out. Or being in a supply closet with someone's hands…"

She couldn't finish the sentence, because it hurt, because the tears climbed up her throat and cut off the air to her lungs.

"Every time I think I'm better I have one of these moments and I'm right back where I started."

The thundered crashed and Rowan jumped. Steve's hands came to her elbows. Just the act of him putting his hands out to her settled her almost immediately. "It's okay," he whispered. "It's okay to be afraid."

"It's not just that. Sometimes it feels like I'm still there. That I'm still tied to that radiator. That I'm back on the floor with a knife in my stomach. But what's worse is I… I can still feel his hands on me…"

"Where… where did he…"

"I don't want to think about it."

Steve inched a bit closer to her, getting to his knees. "Would it help if I touched you?" he asked. Rowan blinked her eyes at him, how would that help? "So that way, that way you can associate that touch or feeling with… uh… with… me?"

Rowan thought about it, Steve had touched her in the same places many times since then, but never after one of her episodes. And well… nothing else had worked so why not try this?

"I mean… I guess we could try it, but if I say…"

"Just say the word and I'll stop, okay?" he whispered as he shifted. His hands came up as if ready to go but they didn't move. "Uhm… so where…"

She took his first hand and brought it to her right breast. His hand covered it, warm against the cool of her skin. His thumb brushed against her nipple softly until it was taunt beneath him. "Is that okay?"

Normally, after one of these episodes, she could barely touch herself, let alone let anyone else touch her. Normally she would sit in the shower until she felt clean again. This was the nicest she felt after one of her nightmares.

"Is that…?" he asked unable to properly verbalize the question. Rowan shook her head and took his other hand. She too got to her knees and directed his hand down her pants. The look of pain that flashed over Steve's face made her want to cry.

His hands pulled away, swallowing back something and Rowan sat back down. "I'm sorry."

"No. it's not you," he said. "I just… I wish I had been there… I wish I had protected you from this. I wish I could do more to help you."

"Do you… do you still want me?"

Steve's eyes found hers again, the blue eyes burning in the night. "I will always want you."

"Then could you… could you maybe hold me? And just tell me It's all going to be okay?"

His hands snatched her up and pressed her to him. "It will always be okay. As long as we're together we'll always be okay," he whispered to her. "It doesn't matter what happens, or what you do. I will always want you. Always."

Rowan clung to him, burying her nose in neck, she held onto Steve like he was her lifeline. Because right at that moment, without him, she would have been drowning.

H5O-H5O-H5O-H5O

It took a lot of planning and out of the box thinking. It involved him wearing a backpack on his chest, Rowan carrying a backpack on her back and Steve giving her a piggyback all the way down the mountain. It took almost eight hours, with countless breaks for water and to stretch out his back but Steve had actually managed to get them back to where he had left his truck.

He helped Rowan into the passenger seat, threw their gear in the back and then got into the driver's seat.

"I can't wait to go home," Rowan whispered. "I'm going to drink my weight in tea, order in some pizza and shower this weekend off of me."

Steve stared at her. They had really gotten close that weekend, in more ways than one. And while he had been happy to learn about her, to help her over some of her hurdles, and to have her help him over some of his, nothing made him happier than to hear her call his house her home.

She smiled at him, that smile fading a notch when she noticed the way he was staring at her. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," he whispered, taking her hand and pressing a kiss to her knuckles. "If you're up to it I might get in that shower with you… conserve water you know?"

Rowan smiled deviously at him. "Okay, but you only get three minutes of my shower time then you're getting evicted."

She was joking and he knew that, a play on the Navy showers that he kept trying to impose on her. So he shook his head at her and put the key in the ignition. "Let's go home."