If you cried last chapter, get ready for this one.
I'm sorry in advance.
Amy twitched ever so slightly, a small draft rushing against her bare skin partially hidden under the corner of the sheet.
Ricky's hand was resting lightly against her bare left thigh just below but butt, leg bent at a 45 degree angle, while light snores came from his partially parted lips against the pillow.
She blinked a few times, registering her surroundings, and smiled affectionately at how cute he looked with his disheveled hair that her hands had ravaged though a few hours before.
Not wanting to disturb him, but desperately needing to pee, she slowly and carefully slid out from under him, tugging his black button down over her exposed midsection - given how she always had some kind of his clothing on just incase John decided to crawl into their bed unannounced - and crossed her legs in a desperate attempt to fight her lack of bladder control since giving birth to their daughter as she ran down the hallway.
Coming out of the bathroom, she creaked the door open, peaking quietly into the night light lit room at their two sleeping angels shielded under their blankets.
Tugging the shirt further down her bare skin, Amy let a small giggle leave her mouth as she bent to retrieve her red lacy underwear that he had so carelessly tossed atop his backpack by the bed, with the matching bra lying lazily on the corner of the nightstand.
When her fingertips brushed against the fabric, and she gathered them into her grasp, the backpack tipped over silently - different sized bits of white paper spreading halfway out onto the hardwood.
Ignoring it, she hastily put the red lace back on her body, sighing tiredly as she bent to pick up the shards: thinking nothing of the pages that she assumed were that of a paper or a test he wasn't satisfied with, and went to throw them in the trash by the sink.
One of the pieces fell to the floor, the blue cursive ink catching the light from the window just enough for her to see the visible words "to feel your hand" scribbled down.
Furrowing her brow, Amy took her foot off the trash bin, and frowned, bringing the pieces of torn paper to the table and moving them around in a single line all the way across. Having had to put multiple papers and homework sheets back together given John's little destructive self when he was younger, she was somewhat of a pro in reconstruction, and began to slowly bring each piece up to the light to find where it fit.
10 minutes later
Tilting the small palm sized flashlight she'd found on top of the refrigerator up, she shuffled the final piece - each blue cursive inked line now matching almost perfectly up to that of its counterpart.
Admiring her work, she began to read, squinting and then frowning at the words etched on the page.
Eight.
Amy read the profession eight times.
Each time letting another piece of herself crack until, finally, the last sentence sent her to the floor, unable to control the hurt, betrayal, anger, and pain that stabbed through her chest like a harpoon as she brought her knees to her chest and silently wept in the darkness - determined to spare their innocent children from being awoken by her pain.
He mumbled something into the pillow, rolling over to the cool empty space beside him, eyes still closed, flexing his fingers against the sheets before sleepily starting to open them. Mumbling again, he could see her through his hazy eyes sitting at the kitchen table, "Coming back to bed?" Ricky asked in the darkness, shifting slightly on his elbows to get a better look at her. She was silent, staring off into the kitchen window above the sink.
Blinking a few times, he chuckled lightly, "Surely you didn't leave me over here in the cold for a snack?" No reaction, just silence.
Frowning at her unusual demeanor, he shifted again and removed the sheets from his body, striding over in nothing but his blue boxers, and running a hand through his bed head curls, sighing when he got close enough to see her sitting in the chair biting her thumbnail.
"You okay?" He whispered, moving to wrap his arms around her shoulders. Amy didn't say anything, just shoved his arms off of her. His brow furrowed, attempting to embrace her again, this time met with a harder shove and a fierce dagger glance as she practically leapt off the chair and crossed her arms tight against her chest.
"You lied to me." She deadpanned, her tone hoarse but icy.
Slightly confused by her sudden agitation, he raised a brow cautiously, "What are you talking about?" Catching the dishrag she hurled at his head, "I didn't lie to you?"
She closed her eyes, "Why?"
"What - " He reached for the light switch on the wall, unprepared for the revelation that awaited when he did. Ricky's eyes landed on the table, "w-w-where did-" swallowing roughly at the sight of the letter he ripped up into pieces, now put back together on his kitchen table. His mouth went dry, "where did you get that?"
Shaking her head, Amy bit her wobbling lip at his words, "Wrong answer" He took a step closer, his hands out in front of him, "Amy, I can expla-"
Her eyes were still closed as she put her right hand up in the air, shaking her head, voice cracking, "No. No more. No more explanations. No more declarations. No more lies. I'm done, Ricky!" With a shaky breath, she whispered again, "...I'm done..."
His eyes widened at her, reaching out desperately for her hand, "please just let me explain -" Taking a breath before starting to ramble, "I tried to put distance between us - I put up the barrier, told her we can't be friends anymore - so she wrote me that -" pointing to the reconstructed letter, "after I told her the friendship was over because I wasn't willing to lose you over it."
"You kissed her!" She shouted, tears rolling down her cheeks
He shook his head vigorously, "No, no I did not. She kissed me!" Running a hand through his hair, "She kissed me and I immediately kicked her out and deleted her number. She gave me that letter after it happened hoping I'd change my mind -"
"When did it happen? What night did she kiss you?"
"The night you went to Mimzy's apartment..." Ricky trailed off, quickly looking at the floor as the look on her face, and the way her body started to slump, overwhelmed him with heartbreaking guilt because he knew what Amy immediately started thinking - that he had cheated. "It wasn't like that! There was a car accident, and she called me freaked out. I picked her up and drove her to the dorms, but I never got out of the car and she kissed me. I didn't tell you because you were already in a really fragile place and I didn't want something as meaningless as that to send you over the edge..." He swallowed, fighting his glassy eyes, "I'm sorry..."
"No you aren't," She scowled, walking into the living room, "You're sorry you got caught! I know you too well... you're right though - if you told me she kissed you, I would have went over the edge. I would have -" Amy stopped, the angry walls she was building crumbling with each hiccupping breath as she fell to her knees beside the sofa bed, sobbing into her hands.
Cautiously, he took a spot beside her, letting her practically slam into his chest as he held her. He bit his bottom lip, letting his own tears hit her hair as she sputtered in his embrace, "S-s-he-heee k-kissed y-y-youuuu"
"And it meant nothing." He stated, grasping on to her tighter, "Clementine and that letter mean absolutely nothing to me. You -" swallowing in a large gulp of air, "You mean everything to me, Amy. Just you"
"And how am I supposed to believe that? Huh?" She sniffled, drawing in a breath, "How do you expect me to believe what you say when you continue to hide things from me?" Her eyes shifted, looking directly into his, slowly killing him by doing so, "I told you everything last night - bared my soul to you, and gave you my body -"
Ricky could feel Amy starting to loosen her grip, so he tightened his, "And I'm an idiot for not telling you - but I'm telling you now and I swear - this is it. There is nothing else."
"... Do you -" She paused, sniffling and taking in a deep breath through her nose, "d-do y-you have feel - feelings for her?"
"No - none whatsoever -"
"Well clearly she doesn't share in that same sentiment!"
"That doesn't matter. Her feelings mean nothing to me - I only feel for you."
"Then why did you keep the letter?"
"I -" He opened and closed his mouth quickly, shifting his gaze, and shrugging honestly, "I don't know..."
"I do..." It came out as a whisper, breaking free from his grasp and taking a seat on his side of the bed. "I know you love me... but you clearly have some sort of unresolved feelings toward Clementine - whatever they may be... that you need to figure out"
"A-Amy -" He stammered, moving his feet to sit beside her.
She put her right hand up, motioning for him to stop, shaking her head, and sniffling again, "I think you go should for a bit. Go take a walk or something."
"What will that fix? Nothing ever gets resolved when one of us backs away like that."
"Ricky - I'm trying really really hard not to throw something at your face, and scream into the wall solely for the sake of our children..." Amy cried, pushing her fingertips into her eyes, "But every time I look at you... all I see is her lips on yours..." trailing off, she swallowed roughly, closing her eyes and letting more tears roll down her cheeks, "so please just go out and let me be alone before I lose what little control I have left."
Closing his eyes and biting his bottom lip, Ricky nodded silently, and grabbed the dress pants off the floor, pulling them on and tugging on the door handle before disappearing behind it quietly.
After driving around the block 5 times, and stopping in front of both his parents' house and Kathleen's driveway, shaking his head each time and turning around, he pulled slowly up the curved asphalt.
Wiping his eyes with the shoulder of the dark gray t-shirt he found in his car, he took a breath and walked up the dark walkway, stopping at the front entrance and knocking hard on the bright white wood.
Four knocks later a figure emerged from the darkness, barely cracking the door open from the inside.
"I need to talk to you" Ricky huffed, puffing his cheeks and putting his hands inside his pockets.
A robed man glanced around the entryway, squinting against the light streaming from the overhead street lamp, "It's 4 in the morn -"
Seeing the white door start to close slowly, Ricky took a hand out of his pocket quickly and slammed it with his palm to keep it open, and get its occupants attention, "It's an emergency!"
"I've been working my ass off. I'm studying really hard. I'm working really hard. I'm paying the bills, I cook most of the meals - I do my share of taking care of Emma and John" He stated, knocking the tips of his worn sneakers together, "I'm tired of arguing with Amy. I'm tired of Amy. I don't want her to leave me, but - "
"But you're married..." Dr. Fields raised a brow, moving the notepad in his hand
Shaking his head, "No we're not. We lied - " Ricky paused, spinning his ring, "she lied - the court voided it." Exhaling deep through his nose, "I don't know what it is... it took me years to fall in love with Amy... and I am in love with Amy. But I know she's not in love with me no matter what she says. And I want a woman who is totally in love with me. I deserve that."
Dr. Fields brow was still raised, tapping a pen against his knee, "You said you lied about being married... you're not married?"
Lost in his own thoughts, Ricky's head snapped up suddenly, "Hmm? No... I found out last night that the guy who married us let his license lapse - the court voided it as soon as they caught it," eyes red and glassy as he muttered, "And of course Amy kept it from me...surprise, surprise."
Regaining enough composure to lift her head from her hands, Amy sniffled roughly, wiping her eyes with the bottom of his shirt, and catching a sideways glance at the framed photo on his nightstand.
It wasn't anything fancy; no grand photoshoot with plastered fake smiles for the camera - just a still shot of the four of them snuggled together on their sofa bed.
Ricky had taken it in a happier time, both their kids were happy - smiling even - resting atop their laps as they gazed at each other lovingly; the dimple in his left cheek showing up in the smallest way.
Blowing out a breath, she shook her head back and forth slowly, "the lies we sold everyone..." She mumbled sadly under her breath before taking the frame in her hands, and slamming it hard against the wood: splintering it once before the second blow sent a spiderweb crack down the once smooth glass.
Taking the picture out carefully, she wept again. His betrayal too much to handle as she looked at his still smiling face.
It sent her over the edge, taking the image into her fingers and ripping it down the center; splitting Ricky in half. A perfect metaphorical representation of their lives - both half in their relationship, while the other pushed away.
"Why did you make me love you?" Amy whimpered, clutching the tattered image to her chest like a lifeline, desperately pleading to herself in the silence to wake up from whatever this nightmare was she was trapped inside of.
He tapped the end of the green chair's armrest with his knuckles, "Am I crazy, or did Adrian and I have a better relationship than what Amy and I have? She said what she was thinking - she was passionate about everything she - I don't know... she loved me." Shaking his head, Ricky ran a hand through the side of his curls, "I don't know what I'm saying. No, I do know what I'm saying." Leaning up, and moving his hands out towards his knee, "I- I wish Amy made me feel like she wanted me the way Adrian did. I don't think she wants me."
"No two women are alike - the relationship you have with Amy is certainly more complicated than the one you had with Adrian. There are children involved with Amy, two small humans that you both have to make decisions for - together. That can get pretty complicated."
He blinked, "Certainly is, yeah. I don't want complicated. I'm tired of complicated."
"Wait... are you - are you trying to justify sleeping with someone else?" Dr. Fields lips pursed, adjusting the slipper falling from his foot, "Are you cheating on Amy?"
"Amy is my wife!" Ricky shouted, quickly catching himself, and shrinking back against the chair, his gaze going to his shoes, "Or... she was my wife."
"That wasn't the question." Leaning back against his own chair, his gaze went to him, drawing in a breath, "Adrian?"
"No, not Adrian!" A small shy smirk coming to his face, "And I just thought about cheating a few times - I wouldn't really do anything."
"Why is that?"
Ricky's mouth opened just enough to show his bottom teeth, "Because I love Amy. I... have to love her."
"You have to? Why is that?"
"Cause you said it - Amy and I have two small pieces of ourselves depending on the two of us together... I want the perfect family for our kids..."
"You know sometimes being able to say the worst of what you're thinking - helps."
With his stare full of painful guilt, he nodded slowly trying to keep the tears inside his red and glassy eyes, "You want the worst of my inner thoughts? Fine!" Taking in a shaky breath, "I'm grasping on to a woman who may or may not love me, and leaving another one who has professed her love for me, in the dust."
A tear rolled down his cheek, silently. "I'm choosing Amy because I can't let her go. But I have these thoughts of a potential better life without her... ? I tell Amy that I feel nothing for Clementine - but how can I not when she looks at me the way Amy used to when we first got together?" The tips of his shoes slammed together again, taking a few seconds of silence before speaking again, "But regardless of what my head wants... I have to choose Amy. I do choose Amy." Sniffling, and twiddling his thumbs, "Because it's what is best for Emma and John - that their parents are together."
"Even if it means that they're miserable and unhappy?" Dr. Field's statement was cautious, planting both feet on the floor
Ricky nodded again, pursing his lips, "Happiness is just a concept, it doesn't mean we can't learn to be happy with each other and be together. And the sex is good"
"But... do you feel anything? Do you feel fulfilled in your relationship with Amy - the woman you claim to love?"
His mouth opened and closed quickly, debating on how to answer, "Sexually... yeah -"
"But not emotionally or physically?"
"That - those feelings - all started shifting after she had the baby." Ricky sighed, "She became unbearable - almost like she was with John - but worse," looking down on his wedding band as he moved it up and down his finger absent-mindedly, "We didn't even touch each other for four months. She didn't want me then, and she doesn't want me now."
Blowing air from his cheeks, Ken tapped the pen against the pad of paper, "It all boils down to this: Amy gave up a very large chunk of her teenage years to be the mother to your children. She's given up a lot for you -" Leaning up further to get his full attention, "Now the question is, are you willing to sacrifice anything for her?"
Shoving the ring back down, Ricky scoffed, "Is it not enough that I changed my whole life for her?" Running his left hand over his face, "I stay in every night, and read Winnie the Pooh stories to our kids instead of getting some random girl to sleep with? And I don't cheat on her -"
He interrupted, "But you've thought about it -"
"But I never did it - isn't that sacrifice enough?"
"A monogamous relationship isn't sacrifice, nor is equally parenting your children" Dr. Fields deadpanned, spinning his own ring on his finger, "and these potential feelings towards this old friend aren't helping in this case either, regardless of you ripping up that letter"
It was silent again, both trying to figure out what to say next. "What do you want?" He asked aloud, clasping his palms together, "What does your heart tell you to choose?"
Without hesitation, "Amy" Ricky answered, chuckling under his breath, "It all comes back to the most irritating, stubborn, and complicated woman I've ever met."
Stopping at the still closed door, he tapped his knuckles lightly against the wood a few times. Nothing followed, just silence and the annoying flicker of the bulb over his head. Tapping again, he heard a shuffle from inside the apartment and dug out his keys, cautiously pushing it open just enough to pop his head in incase one of their children were behind it. Seeing that it was clear, he expelled a small breath and pushed it open further to step inside.
She was on her knees, two suitcases full and open in front of her; his black button down being replaced by a light blue V-neck t-shirt and the bleached jeans she seldom ever wore because she always felt fat in them. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun, complimenting the dark circles under her puffy eyes - the ones he knew he had caused.
"W-what -" He swallowed roughly, mouth open in dryness and disbelief at the site in front of him.
"I'm sorry... but I don't see any other choice." She stilled, hands placed on a dark purple blouse
His feet were quick, going to the suitcase and grasping onto its hard outer shell, "A-Amy p-please" the desperation was seeping from his lips
Sighing, "I can't handle whatever this is anymore. I just can't" she closed the lid and drug the thick black zipper across, her voice small, "It's going to kill me"
Putting his hands out, Ricky grabbed the zipper, stilling it from going any further, eyes looking directly into hers as he got down on his knees beside her, "I went to see Dr. Fields - I'll go again today. I'll go to couples counseling today. I'll even go stay at my parents house so you can have the apartment for a few days -"
"One day isn't going to fix us." Her statement was made with no emotion, like everything she had was drained out of her, "We won't change." Amy sniffled, rising to stand, "Tomorrow will be just like today, and the day after that will be the same as tomorrow."
"You can't do this -"
"I have to!" The tears fell from her quivering lip, "I have to go, Ricky" His face contorted, his palm flat against it, letting the tears escape his long lashes. "We need space - real space - to sort out our feelings and provide our children a loving and happy home together."
"Please. Please Amy, don't do this!" Begging, Ricky reached for her arm, pulling her by the wrist until she was inches away from him, and crashed his lips against hers, cupping her face in a fleeting attempt to change her mind - Get her to stay. Amy sighed against him, fighting him before giving in and taking it in; letting herself soak in his warm hands on her face and the gentle way his tongue massaged hers. Both fighting so desperately against time and the inevitable heartache that was sure to follow after they pulled away.
She put her palm to his shirt, bunching it between her fingers as he broke away from her lips with rushed breathes, "I'll change, I swear - whatever you want, I'll do. I'll -" and moved to her neck
She closed her eyes, but quickly pulled back when he started sucking on the spot just below her left earlobe, and moved away from his reach. "Nothing is ever going to change between us if we keep making these promises we can't keep."
The tears rolled down his cheeks, fingers flexing the air as she walked away silently to their children's bedroom, stopping with her palm along the side as she whimpered, "...This is killing me too, Ricky."
Once inside, she closed it quietly, muffling her sobs with her hand as she tiptoed barefoot through the disarray of wrinkled clothing, scattered toys, and empty sippy cups littering the floor until she reached the widow by their daughters crib.
Taking a second, she looked up at the stars, closing her eyes again and clasping her hands together against her lips as a single tear fell from her cheek. Beside her, she could hear their daughter gurgling, and quickly wiped away the sadness from her face before leaning over the crib and widening her eyes.
"Hiii, peanut!" Amy whispered excitedly, a smile coming to her red face as she watched Emma play with her feet, little squeals being elicited each time she managed to grasp all 5 toes. She giggled softly, leaning more into the crib until she was just centimeters from Emma's face, nuzzling against it and sending ticklish kisses repeatedly, causing the little girl to kick her legs and grab at her head as she giggled loudly each time.
Amy pulled back, but not quick enough as the giggling infant's fingers grasped tightly on to the messy bun atop her head, and yanked it excitedly. "Ow, ow - okay, okay" Cupping her hands under her arms, Amy groaned softly and lifted Emma in the air, "Good morning pretty girl" twirling around once before lowering her back into her arms, and letting her rest her small head on her shoulder as she ran her fingers through the tight dark curls at the back of her scalp, and whispered soothing sounds into her ear, sniffling quietly in the darkness. "I'm so sorry we couldn't make it work for you... you both deserve better..." The baby pushed her head off her mother's shoulder, her green eyes wide as she patted her small hand against her mother's cheek and babbled incoherently, "What?"
Emma squirmed, whipping her head to the side and pointing a finger into the air, "Baaa-baaa!"
Amy giggled again, nodding along to their daughter's gurgles as she pointed towards her brother sleeping in the bed two feet away.
After Emma had said "da" John got sad and jealous that she didn't know his name, even though they told him that Emma wasn't saying Ricky's name either, just babbling in her own way. So to make him feel better they told him that whenever Emma said "ba" she was actually talking about him because Shakur had given him the nickname of "bubba" whenever Emma was born.
"Yeah! Is that John, peanut? Huh, is that your Bubba?" Emma squealed again, squinting before shoving her fingers in her mouth.
"Mommy..." He whispered tiredly against his pillow, swiping the hair away from his eyes.
"Hey, buddy..." She gave him a tired smile, shuffling over to his bedrail, and leaning over it to place a light kiss on his forehead, "Can we snuggle in?"
Without hesitation John nodded vigorously, scooting over to allow his mother to prop his sister against the rail, as she climbed in on the other side and laid down against the pillow.
Amy tried to hold it back, but the emotion flooded over her like a tidal wave as she began to softly, but audibly, cry into the pillowcase covered in green trains.
"Why you cwy-ing, mommy?" John asked quietly, tilting his head at her curiously as Emma grabbed his fingers and tried shoving them into her mouth.
Amy sniffled again, reaching for him, as his head laid next to hers on the pillow, "Well... I - " hand stilling on his cheek, "Mommy has to tell you something - and it makes me sad." His eyes lowered, their brown sparkle being shielded by the darkness. "You know I love you both so much, right? More than anything in this entire world..." John nodded slowly, lifting off the pillow to try to gather his sister in his arms before she could attack his stuffed animals. Amy sighed, propping herself on her elbows against the mattress, guiding the grabby baby over to her.
"Mommy is going to go away to school for a little while... it won't be forever - just a few weeks and then I'll be back and we can all be together again." She spoke slow, making sure to make as much eye contact with them as she could while they were squirming, "But while I'm gone... daddy is going to take care of you and Emma."
This caught his attention, his tired eyes blinking slowly, "Why - Why a-wre you jus go-in aw-way, mommy?"
"Mommy and daddy need some time apart for a little bit."
"Is - is daddy jus go-in aw-way too?"
"No, buddy" Amy said sadly, lowering her head to keep them from seeing the tears starting to gather in her eyes, "daddy is going to stay here, and be with you and Emma"
Hearing the mention of her favorite person, Emma squealed, "Da!"
John's smile at his sister quickly faded as he lowered his head and pressed a fist into his eye, mumbling "Mommy... I- I wa-nt to go wit youuu..."
His words broke her heart, biting her top lip hard with her teeth to keep from sobbing against him, "I know baby... " Wiping her eyes with her thumb before bringing it to his cheek, brushing it softly, "Daddy and I need to figure some stuff out before we all sit down to talk. Okay?" Taking one of his small hands into hers, and doing the same with his sister - who was determined to fight against it, batting her away, "We don't want your daddy to be sad though, right? If I took you with me, daddy would miss you too much - and you always have fun with daddy, right?"
John nodded again, his lip starting to twitch as it wobbled - like Ricky's did when he was upset - and began to cry: hiccupping loud enough to startle Emma, her bottom lip puckering as she released a loud wail to match his.
Using one arm to scoop the irritable infant into her lap, Amy kissed her head before gathering John into a tight embrace against her side, "C'mere"
"Noooo goooo mommyyyy!" He clung onto her shirt tightly, the tears pooling themselves on the thin fabric of her t-shirt.
Holding them tighter against her, she cried with them, running her hand repeatedly over his bed head that curled slightly around his ears much like his father's also did, and just continued to pepper kisses on his temple, "My sweet boy... I love you - so so much"
"Is she here?" She spoke quietly, stepping lightly into the open doorway
His hands were on his hips, pacing the floor, eyes glassy and hard, "she's in the bedroom saying her goodbyes to the kids..." He heard her sigh and turned on his heel, "You know this is all on you, right? Your selfish need for her to have a different life... a life without her kids -" He paused, shaking his head and sniffling, "...without me..."
Anne stood her ground, gathering the suitcases by their handles, "I didn't give her anything she didn't want." Her tone was sharp, "You did this. You knocked her up and stole the life she would have had had you never met her!" Her eyes were angry slits, "I didn't want her to leave John and Emma behind, but she said that if you weren't going to come with her, she couldn't make you suffer losing them too. So she's going to suffer - because of you!"
Ricky's nostrils flared, "just - go downstairs and wait for Amy. I'm sure our kids don't want to to see you take their mom away."
"Your mom is downstairs." He deadpanned, looking down at his hands
Her footsteps were soft, "they both fell back to sleep. I'm hoping they'll stay that way for at least a few more hours - I just don't want you to have to deal with them being upset"
Scoffing under his breath, "They have every right to be considering their mother is leaving them" Opening her mouth for a rebuttal, she instead took the jab, knowing his walls were going up and more hurtful words were sure to follow. "What are we going to tell everyone?"
Wiping her eyes with the tips of her ring fingers, she sighed softly, "we tell them the truth -" her voice cracking as she began to tear up again, "I'm going to New York for a few weeks to work some things out there, and you're keeping John and Emma with you."
Ricky nodded slowly, staring at his ring, "And us...?"
Amy hiccupped, "I love you -"
"But not enough... you want your freedom more than you want us..." the statement was made with both sadness and resolve.
"I want you - I want us!" Voice cracking again as it got softer, "But I won't apologize for wanting something other than the four walls of this apartment and this judgemental town we've been trapped in!"
"And I'm not going to apologize for wanting things to stay the same." He closed his eyes and sucked in his bottom lip, "So what are you saying, Amy? Is this it?" He paused, unable to finish the sentence without his own voice cracking, "Is this the end for us?"
"I did not say that... We need a break. We need time apart to sort out our feelings, and to see if we can truly get our act together and make a happy life for ourselves and our children." Taking a seat next to him on the step, "Time apart will do us some good."
"Nothing good ever comes from being away from each other, Amy..." His brow furrowed, running a palm over his covered knee, "I just don't understand how you can do this. How you can just up and leave with no remorse -"
"No remorse?" Amy shot up off the step angrily, turning to walk away but shaking her head and standing firm as her eyes became daggered slits, "I've been ripping my heart apart these past few months trying to decide what was best for our family!" Shouting and pointing her finger into his chest, "Do you think I want to leave you and our kids behind? No! But what else can I do? You won't go to New York with me, and I can't put them in an unknown situation in an unknown place with just them and myself. Seeing the look on John's face is breaking me apart - but if I don't go what kind of life will they have?"
"A good one. A life that has two parents who - "
"Who what? Yell and fight all the time? That's not a good life for them!"
Ricky also shot up off the step, "Okay, so it's all my fault right? I fucked everything up for you!" Pacing around the small patch of carpet, "I fucked up the perfect little life that you always envisioned yourself having by meeting you and having sex with you - "
She shook her head, "Would you stop it! Just stop! I never said any of that! I don't regret my life with you, alright! I don't!" She took a few steps closer, "But I can't lie to you and say I'm happy with the way things are between us when I'm not! This constant back and forth, of messing up and then apologizing, and trying to find small pockets of peace before the sparks... is exhausting... I can't take another night of finding some kind of revelation followed by empty words of promises you and I both know will end up falling short." She hugged her arms across her chest, "I want to live, Ricky... and this - " gesturing to the space around them, "this isn't living - It's settling. Settling for unhappiness and misery!"
It was silent for several minutes, him taking a seat back on the step and staring off into the distance, and her pacing back and forth next to the open doorway.
He clenched his jaw, breaking the tension and silence between them, and set his gaze on the wall, "You once told me that nothing could ever change the way you felt about me..." pausing, Ricky swiped under his left eye with his thumb, his voice turning rough and edgy, "I hate you..."
Amy stopped pacing, frozen to the ground as the words stabbed through her, face contorting again and her palm going over her mouth, "then I hate you too!" Sobbing into her hands and rushing back into the apartment - away from him.
He stood up quickly but didn't follow her, instead broke down against the wall, and kicked it hard with the tip of his sneaker several times, letting his pain out on the barrier of plaster and drywall.
She was bent over, grasping her abdomen with her right arm as her left hand muffled her deep, hiccupping sobs.
His footsteps were light, treading carefully; both not saying a word as she turned and they embraced each other as tight as they could.
"I'm sorry!" Ricky cried into her shoulder
She nodded tearfully against his shirt, "I'm sorry too... I love you, but - "
"But if you love someone..."
Amy pulled back to look at his face, her eyes soft, "Finish it."
He exhaled slowly, "...set them free... if they come back they're yours, and if they don't, they never were."
"I'm coming back, Ricky."
"I know, and when you do things will be different- I swear." They embraced again quickly before pulling away. Amy took a shaky breath and moved her hand, removing the shiny gold wedding band, and holding it out to him. Ricky shook his head, closing it in her palm, "Keep it, it's yours, my mom gave it to you."
She shook her head slowly, glancing between him and her palm before opening up his hand and placing it there, biting her bottom lip tearfully, "Give it back - let her know that when the time is right, we'll actually be worthy of wearing these again."
"The cab is waiting for us..." Anne stated roughly from the stairwell, not the least bit concerned that she treaded on their tender moment.
She sighed, "I should go say goodbye to them again - just tell them I love them before -"
He grabbed her elbow gently, "I'll let them know when they get up, going in there might wake them."
"I'll call you when I get to the airport?" He nodded again, allowing her to fall back into his arms for the last time. She sniffled against his chest.
Ricky stroked her back before pulling away and holding her face between his palms, crying as she touched her forehead to his, "I'm sorry I couldn't fix us, Amy..."
Amy brought his hands down, into hers, kissing his knuckles lightly, "I know..."
He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, pushing the sofa bed back into it's confinement before going to the window. He saw her on the sidewalk struggling with her suitcase in the trunk of the cab as he stood there, his heart cracking more with each footstep she took.
She glanced up towards the small window, seeing his tall figure through the slits of her eyes as she shielded them from the early morning sunrise with her hand.
Their eyes meet for a brief second, both exchanging a small wave, before her mother ushered her away and into the cab.
She buried her head in her hands, softly starting to cry.
"What is it, Amy?" Anne touched her shoulder, playing dumb to the cause or her daughter's distress.
"M-maybe I - I made a mistake..." She sputtered, glancing down at her hand that lacked the band she had come so accustomed to.
Anne sighed dramatically, trying to be sympathetic as she grabbed Amy's arm, "What do you want, Amy? What is your heart telling you?"
Amy glanced at her with puffy, red eyes, swallowing roughly, her breathing shaky.
He stood there, watching as the yellow cab took a slow decent down the road before disappearing out of view. Cursing under his breath as he hung his head and started to cry into his hands.
The little patter of footsteps trailed in, little sniffles following as their three-year-old pulled the blanket halfway over his head, grasping onto his teddy bear for dear life as he hiccupped, "M-m-mommyyyyy!"
Ricky turned, allowing the boy to see the tears running down his face: the face that mirrored his own in so many ways, as it was filled with hurt. He grabbed John, allowing his small body to shutter in slobbery cries in his strong embrace, as he stroked the back of his head and whispered, "Mommy will be back soon...we'll be okay."
Fasten your seatbelts guys, it's gearing up to be a very bumpy ride...