The Sickness Unto Death, an evangelion fanfic

Is it even worth it?

It hurts so much everytime I get in that thing. I don't want to keep doing this.

Everytime I get in it, something bad always happen.

And this time it did.

And now she's gone.

I can't.

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't.

I can't.

Come back.

Please come back.

I couldn't save you.

Shinji simply stared at the ceiling, his eyes unmoving. Occasionally he blinked, but that was it. He couldn't really tell what time it was, but all he knew it was night.

The soft sounds of his breathing was overshadowed by the sounds of the city outside and the ever droning sound of his fan.

I can't do it anymore.

For the first time in what seems to be hours, he moved his head. His eyes landed on the door that lead out into the quiet apartment.

Slowly but surely, he crept his legs over to the side of the bed, amd stood up. The floor made no noise as he put his weight onto it.

Standing there for a moment, he couldn't feel much. He felt…

Hollow.

Making his move, he stepped over to the door and slowly slid it open, trying not to make any major noise in the night.

Looking out into the dark hall, his mind was filled with haunting screams and even darker thoughts, that he himself never thought he could

Feel?

It felt hot. She was burning. I could hear her.

I could feel her gone. Gone. Yeah Gone. No here.

I have these thoughts.

They won't go away. They won't I wont they? No thoughts stay. I can't stay.

He was in the living room now. The moonlight and faint city lights shone in through the sliding glass door and windows.

Staring out, he felt empty. There was no real value left in this city. It felt like a tomb. Glass and metal buildings that simply existed to him now. If they even had an existence in his mind.

He couldn't look back at the hall or else he'd see h

Her.

She.

Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure.

I failed. I messed up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up. Gone.

Gone Gone Gone.

That room will always be empty now. Empty Empty Empty Empty Empty. Gone Gone?

She's gone.

The kitchen was filled with bottles of hard liquor. The usual beer was replaced with something even stronger. It's strong odor filled the air and attacked Shinji's sense of smell.

He couldn't stand to see the sight of it all.

Looking away, he focused on his destination beyond sliding doors. Bottles followed as well towards that room. Its occupant consuming all of them in its entirety.

Misato wasn't handling this well either.

She barely spoke much anymore. No teasing comments, no small talk other than asking about his day. She barely stayed sober enough for work. No one wanted to comment about sluggishness from her perpetual hangover.

It smells awful.

Standing infront of the door, he listened in, trying to hear if she was sound asleep. Sometimes she'd stay up hours crying until she passed out from exhaustion. Pen Pen would still always be by her side during these episodes.

Misato misses her-

Her.

She.

She was my friend.

My friend.

My friend that I failed.

My Friend that I failed is dead now.

She's dead now. She's dead now. My friend is dead now.

She misses my dead friend.

I miss my dead friend.

I miss her.

I miss her too.

The door was now fully open, allowing the foul alcoholic vapors to attack his senses. Misato's snores filled the room allowing Shinji to walk in unnoticed.

For a moment, he simply stared at her. Beer stains, food stains, and the smallest specks of blood could be seen on her now degrading shirt.

He knew she was suffering too.

Softly walking around her, he made his way to her cluttered desk filled with bottles and cans. Some spots could also be seen covered in vomit.

A cruel, yet accurate representation of her declining mental state.

However, through all the clutter and bio matter, there was something he was searching for. He knew she kept it here when not at NERV

He stared at it.

He knew this would fix things.

His heartbeat raced as he reached for it. Hands trembling as it got closer and closer to his relief. Something that'll finally make it stop.

The touch of the cold metal grip of the pistol sent a tingle up his arm and a shiver down his spine.

He never really liked using these things, not even in battles with the angels. He preferred his trusty Prog-Knife.

However Misato hid all the knives from him. Not even Pen-Pen would tell him. His arms held evidence of their motives for hiding it from him.

Slowly, he picked it up, feeling the hefty weight of it. Despite his dislike for this non elegant weapon, he still knew how to use it.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

I'm sorry I failed you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Please please please please forgive me

I'm sorry please come back

Please I need you

The magazine slid out with the press of a button. Seeing the slight glimmer of the brass round inside, he carefully pushed it back in with a click.

Im sorry imsorry imsorry

imsorryimsorry

ifailedyou

pleasecome back

weneedyou

imissyou

sheneeds you

ineedyou

imsorryimsorry

icantdothiswith out you

With a soft click, he disengaged the safety. The pistol was now ready to fire at anything without anything stopping it now.

pleasepleaseimsorry

imsorry

pleasecomeback

pleasepleasepleaseplease

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

imsorry

imsor

imsorry

ifailedyouifailedyou

ifailedyou

icouldntsaveyou

The barrel felt odd in his mouth. It was cold and imposing.

This was a weapon designed to kill. There was no other reason to use it. His hands were shaking, his breathing was shallow and his chest felt tight.

It was only natural to feel this way.

imsorryimsorryimsorry

pleasepleaseplease

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

I couldn't saveyou ifailedifailed

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His finger slowly wrapped around the trigger.

He was scared.

It felt like an eternity, holding it in his hands and being left alone to his own morbid and self destructive thoughts.

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryshesdeadshesdeadshesdeadimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryshesdeadshesdeadshesdeadimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryshesdeadshesdeadshesdeadimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

He slowly squeezed it tighter.

shesdeadshesdeadshesdeadimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryifailedyouifailedyoushesdeadshesdeadshesdeadimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryifailedyouifailedyoushesdeadshesdeadshesdeadifailedyouifailedyoushesdeadshesdeadshesdeadimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryifailedyouifailedyoushesdeadshesdeadshesdeadshesdeadshesdeadshesdeadifailedyouifailedyou

I'm sorry Asuka.

"Shinji?..."

Bang