Clay curled up at his brother's side. John Dory kept his arm wrapped protectively around his shoulder. He always used to hug like this. Clay hadn't liked it as a child. It had felt very possessive and controlling, and it made Clay feel like John Dory was just making a show of it. He had felt like the hug wasn't sincere, and that his older brother was just using it as a way to show the world how good a brother he was.
He'd always thought the worst of his big bro, hadn't he?
The hug felt comforting now. He felt safe in John Dory's arms, like nothing could touch him. He didn't really know what he felt he needed to be protected from, but it was still nice.
There were a lot of things that Clay wanted to say to John Dory, but he didn't want to say any of it now. What if he just hurt John needlessly because he couldn't let go of petty grudges that he'd clung to for twenty years? Even if Clay said the right thing, what if John Dory's response was dumb and infuriating, and Clay ended up losing his temper anyway?
He wanted to talk, but he wanted to hold onto this peace between them even more. Clay was content to remain quiet, but he should have known that John Dory wouldn't be able to remain silent for long. It was something he'd always struggled with.
"...I don't really know why you don't hate me." John Dory said.
"You're my brother." Clay said. It really was as simple as that. "You can be frustrating sometimes, but you're family. You…you took care of us, even though I know we didn't make it easy for you. You expected us to be perfect, and I hated that, but you also…you also saw more in me than I could ever see in myself."
Memories came back to Clay. Moments from his childhood that he had done his best to repress because it had hurt to think about. He remembered the pride and joy in John Dory's eyes when he'd told Clay that he would be doing the choreography for their tour. Clay hadn't felt up to the task, but John Dory had so much confidence in him, and even though it was a lot of pressure there had been a lot of pride and a sense of rightness when he found just the right move to use for a section of a song.
Choreography had been fun, but it had also involved a lot of planning and structure. It was seeing the bigger picture and visualizing how things went together. That was the kind of thing that Clay loved, and what he felt that John Dory had ignored about him. Had he known all along? Had he helped to nourish that in Clay without really talking about it?
While John Dory loved talking, he wasn't the best with words. Out of all of them John was always the one who said the wrong thing, saying things he didn't really mean because he couldn't find the right words to convey what he really wanted to. There had been many times when he had let his actions speak for him. Having Clay do the choreography for their tour was probably one such instance, and it was far from the only one.
Clay remembered when Floyd had struggled at school for reasons that none of them understood. Clay had always thought it was a mistake for John Dory to let Floyd drop out, because there were a lot of things that their little brother had fallen behind on. Except, he hadn't really fallen behind, had he? John Dory had kept him at least mostly caught up with the other kids his age. Nobody would look at Floyd now and guess that he had been pulled out of school at a young age.
And where Floyd might have been lacking in a traditional education, he had learned more about socializing than he would have in school. John Dory had worked hard with him. He'd signed Floyd up for clubs and small groups where he could socialize in a way he felt comfortable doing so. John Dory had pushed Floyd out of his comfort zone, just like he did with Bruce and Clay, but he hadn't pushed him more than he could handle. Floyd had thrived because of what John Dory had done for him. Clay hadn't seen it as a child. He didn't think any of them did. But looking back he could see it all too well, and he felt like a fool for not seeing it before.
It had happened with Bruce too. Clay knew for sure that there had been days when John Dory could tell that Bruce was feeling overwhelmed with everything, so he would come home early, or use some of their limited money to get dinner to bring home so that Bruce would have one less thing to worry about. Bruce had always appreciated it, but he hadn't thought that John Dory had done it on purpose. He hadn't thought that their older brother was observant and considerate enough for that, and neither had Clay.
There were so many other small moments, but John Dory was talking again, distracting Clay.
"I could have been a much better big bro for you guys." John Dory said. "But you've turned out pretty good, despite my screw-ups."
Clay couldn't help but scoff. "We've only just reunited after twenty years. You have no idea how I've 'turned out'." He didn't mean to sound as bitter as he did.
John Dory smiled at him. It was that confident smile that was equally infuriating and reassuring. "Well, you're a good big bro, even though you've only ever had a pretty bad example. If you ask me, that's pretty good."
Clay grimaced. "What are you talking about? I-I was a really bad big brother for Floyd. I didn't know how to help him. I didn't even recognize him. The best thing I could do for him was to bring him here so Bruce could take care of him instead." He hadn't been a good brother when they were kids. He'd pushed that responsibility onto his older brothers. And then he had resented all of them for not taking him seriously. How were they supposed to take him seriously when he couldn't handle the responsibility of just comforting a crying little brother?
"You protected him." John Dory said. "You saw he needed help, and you helped him, even though you were scared of the one you were trying to protect him from."
Clay hated hearing him say it like that. He felt guilty enough as it was. "Don't talk about yourself like you're…I don't know, an enemy or threat or something. I wasn't ever scared of you."
"Yes, you were." John Dory said it so casually, and it hurt. For years Clay had thought of every little way that John Dory had damaged him. Only now that he was seeing John Dory right in front of him did he consider all the ways that he might have hurt his big brother.
"I wasn't." Clay insisted. Sometimes he felt like he really was scared of John Dory, but that wasn't quite right. "You…you made me nervous, but I wasn't scared of you. I was scared of disappointing you. Of never being able to live up to all you wanted me to be."
John Dory stared at him for a long moment before he laughed slightly. "I don't even know why I'm surprised. I always felt the same way."
Clay frowned slightly. "You were scared that I'd disappoint you?"
John Dory just laughed again, as though Clay had told a joke. He really hadn't been joking. "Nah, I was scared of disappointing you guys. That I couldn't ever be what you needed from me, let alone what you wanted."
Clay gave John Dory a critical look. "What did you think I wanted from you?"
John Dory frowned. "I don't…you know, I don't really know." He shook his head. "I just knew that I couldn't give it to you."
Clay was unimpressed with that answer. "If you didn't even know what I wanted, how did you know you couldn't do it?"
"If I could have done it, I would have." John Dory said. "All I wanted was for you guys to be happy."
"All you wanted was to achieve the Perfect Family Harmony." Clay said bitterly. John Dory's frown tightened. "I never understood your obsession."
John Dory sighed. He shifted and Clay was worried that he was going to stand up. He didn't want to lose his brother's protective hold. Not now. It was a relief when John Dory really was just shifting. His grip on Clay tightened.
"Music is everything for trolls." John Dory said. "How we sing, how we perform, it's a reflection of who we are. Being able to sing in harmony with somebody is a sign that you have a good relationship with them. I thought…I thought if we sang in the Perfect Family Harmony, then it would mean that our family was perfect. It would mean that even though we struggled, even though we fought, we were still okay at the end of the day."
A symbol. All of their suffering. All of the pressure. It had all been for something that would have just symbolized their relationship with each other. Clay wanted to yell at his brother about how little sense that made. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to interrogate his brother and ask if he was just as naive as he had been when they were kids. But he was just too tired for any of that.
He took a deep breath and nuzzled against John Dory, though he refused to look at him. "What I wanted from you…I wanted a big brother. I wanted you to listen to me rant about my books. I wanted you to know what my favorite book was. I-I just wanted to feel like I could talk to you about something that wasn't the stupid Perfect Family Harmony."
John Dory didn't say anything for a long minute, and Clay was worried that he had said something wrong. That his expectations were somehow too much.
"...I don't think it's fair for you to ask me to know what your favorite book is." John Dory said. Clay's chest tightened. He felt frustrated, and so stupid. Why was he letting John Dory make him feel like this? "I mean, your favorite book changed depending on the season, and the weather, and your mood."
Clay froze. He looked at John Dory in shock. "What?" He said quietly.
John Dory shrugged. "Well, you had that book that you liked to read before bed. You had that book that you liked to read with Viva. You had a favorite rainy weather book. And you had a book that you liked to read while sitting in the sun. You had a book that you would bring to every rehearsal, no matter how many times you had read it. And I'm pretty sure you had a book that you only ever read with Grandma, and nobody else."
Clay was staring at John Dory in shock. His brother just looked confused. "What?"
"You…you knew about my books?" Clay had read as a child, but he had felt like John Dory hadn't noticed any of it. He had thought that John had only noticed him when he was putting on the part of the 'fun boy'.
John Dory snorted. "They were a little hard to ignore. They were everywhere."
"No, I mean…" Clay sighed. "You noticed that I read different books at different times?"
"Well, yeah." John Dory said, like he hadn't even considered the possibility of not noticing. It was such a small thing, but it meant the world to Clay. He had thought that his brothers didn't know him. That they didn't care. Yes, maybe John Dory wouldn't be able to name what his favorite books had been, but he'd recognized the importance of them.
Clay smiled to himself and gave John Dory a nuzzle. "And here you thought you wouldn't be able to give me what I wanted."
John Dory just looked flabbergasted. "It can't be that easy."
"It's not easy." Clay admitted. They both had a tendency to overthink things. "I never wanted you to be perfect, John. I just wanted to know that you tried. That you cared." He shook his head. "When I was little I read all kinds of books that showed ideal happy families." Even his sad books had shown him the types of family dynamics that he dreamed of. "I thought that because our family didn't look like that, that it wasn't good enough. I thought that caring, and trying, and all of that stuff had to look a certain way, or else it didn't count."
"You could have done things differently." Clay said. "So could I. Maybe…maybe we can try again. Maybe we can be better this time." Maybe now that their family wasn't all that they had, they wouldn't have to rely on each other as much as they needed to. They could be with each other because they wanted to be, not because they needed to be.
"I'd like that." John Dory said. "I've missed you guys so much."
"I've missed you too." Clay said. He'd never stopped missing them, even when he had tried to convince himself that he was better off without them, and them without him.
John Dory gave him a tight squeeze. "You know, I'm proud of you."
Clay had never heard weirder words from John Dory's mouth. "Why?"
John Dory shrugged. "Do I need a reason? It's just how I feel."
Clay's mouth shook and his eyes grew wet. For years he had done his best to convince himself that he didn't need his brother's approval. That he was happy with who he was. That hadn't changed. How John Dory felt about him wouldn't change how Clay felt about himself. At the same time though he didn't think he had ever heard John Dory say that he was proud of any of them. Every bit of encouragement he'd given them as children had come with at least the implication of 'but you can still do better'.
It was an amazing feeling. It was the kind of thing that Clay had desperately wanted as a child. And John Dory had said it so casually and easily, as though he was just saying something that he'd always believed, and just didn't see the need to say because he had thought it was obvious.
Clay forced back a sniffle and tried to discreetly wipe his eyes. He didn't want John to know that he had made him cry with just a few simple words. "D-do you think we can do the Perfect Family Harmony? Or are we just a lost cause and should find another solution." He wanted to change the subject before he started bawling.
"I mean, I've always thought we could do it." John Dory said. "If you're willing to try." Something about his tone made Clay feel like John actually meant it. That if Clay, or any of them, didn't want to try then they would forget about it and just find another solution. No more forcing them to try to achieve the impossible. Having the option to say no and back out was what made Clay feel like he could do this after all.
"For Floyd." Clay said. "For our family." He would try, and if it didn't work then he would try something else. He'd given up on his family twenty years ago. They all had. He was willing to give them a second chance though, and he wouldn't take for granted that they were giving him a second chance as well.
Maybe their family wouldn't ever be perfect, but at least they could still be a family. It was more than what Clay thought they would ever have.