Harry: *still asleep* Gregorovitch…Gregorovitch…Gregorovitch…
Ron: Silly Harry, my name's Ron.
Harry: *suddenly wide awake* What the? Get out of my bed.
Ron: Our bed.
Harry: Whatever, just as long as you're not naked near me.
Ron: The real question is: why were you calling me Gregorovitch?
Harry: I wasn't. I was…I think I was in Voldemort's head again.
Ron: You were thinking of someone who wasn't me?
Harry: Please don't tell Hermione about this.
Ron: But I need to tell someone so they can comfort me after you revealed that you don't always think of me when we…
Harry: Please, stop. I don't want to think about it.
Ron: I just wanted to make you feel good for your birthday.
Harry: Oh yeah, I'm seventeen now.
Ron: Which means you can…
Harry: PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! *Ron gets paralysed and falls over* Well, that's one problem solved.
*downstairs*
Molly: Happy birthday Harry. Here's your present.
Harry: Thanks Mrs. Weasley *opens it up* A watch?
Molly: Well it's tradition to give a wizard a watch on his seventeenth birthday. Granted, this was my brother Fabian's, so it's second hand, but…huh? *shocked as Harry hugs her*
Harry: Thank you for being the mother I never had.
Molly: Oh…thank you *hugs him back*
Ginny: Okay, enough of this sappy crap. This is meant to be a comedy series.
Hermione: That, and you've got plenty of other presents to open.
Ginny: Starting with mine *drags Harry to her room*
Harry: You know, it really isn't necessary to…
Ginny: Shut up and put a baby in me *shoves Harry to the bed and starts kissing him*
Harry: Whoa, hey, listen, I…
Ginny: That doesn't sound like pants coming off.
Harry: Ginny…look, I like you, but…
Ginny: No putting it in my butt. That's not where babies are made.
Harry: Damn it Ginny, your brother's supposed to be the stupid one.
Ginny: …how dare…
Harry: Look, can't this wait until after I've killed Voldemort? *thundercrack*
Ginny: It could, but…you know…you could die.
Harry: So? You've figured out necromancy.
Ginny: Yeah, but that's like a whole, like, two minutes of work. Speaking of which… *starts trying to take off Harry's belt*
Harry: Yeah, I'm outta here *leaves*
Ginny: GET BACK IN HERE SO YOU CAN GET IN ME!
*later*
Molly: Alright, I think everyone's here except Arthur now.
Hagrid: Tha's right. By the way Charlie, 'ow's Norbert doing?
Charlie: You mean Norberta? She's doing great.
Hagrid: Norberta? Oh no, 'e's transitioned?
Charlie: Huh? No, Norberta was just always a female. And a great piece of dragussy…
Harry: And moving away from that conversation. Lupin, why are you looking upset? Tonks looks pretty happy.
Tonks: Well, you see… *gets interrupted by a weasel Patronus suddenly appearing in the middle of the table*
Arthur: Minister of Magic incoming.
Rufus: Arthur, what are you doing?
Arthur: Nothing.
Rufus: Arthur, I can literally see you sending a Patronus message.
Arthur: No you can't.
Rufus: Yes I can.
Arthur: No you can't.
Rufus: Yes I can.
Arthur: No you can't *continues arguing with Patronus Rufus*
Harry: Wait, could our Patronuses always do that?
Lupin: Never mind, me and Tonks have to go *grabs Tonks's hand*
Tonks: But I didn't get to tell Harry about…
Lupin: We can do that later *leads Tonks over the fence and Apparates away, as Arthur and Rufus arrive*
Rufus: Yes I can.
Arthur: No you can't.
Rufus: Yes I can.
Arthur: No you…oh hey, we're here.
Rufus: And there's your Patronus, still repeating everything you're saying.
Arthur: No it isn't.
Rufus: Yes it…you know what? This is getting stupid *waves his wand and makes the Patronus disappear* Sorry to gatecrash the party.
Molly: You'd better be. Do you have any idea how many hours I've spent getting this place ready for the party?
Rufus: Apologies madam, but I have urgent business here. With those three *points at Harry, Ron, and Hermione*
Harry: Okay, sure. What do you need?
Rufus: Somewhere private to talk to the three of you.
Hermione: Separating us from everyone else before interrogating us? That doesn't seem suspicious at all.
Rufus: *sigh* Are all three of you going to be difficult?
Ron: I don't think my dad would be very happy if I was mean to his boss.
Rufus: Ah, thank you Ron.
Harry: Don't worry, I'll be plenty mean enough for the both of us.
Rufus: *sarcastically* Gee, thanks Harry. Now, into the house *leads the three of them inside*
Harry: Okay Roofie, what's this all about?
Rufus: Well, first of all, can't say I'm a fan of that nickname.
Harry: Well, you do kinda look like someone who'd use them.
Rufus: Harry, please. We are not enemies. We want the same thing. Just work with me for once, please?
Harry: Since when has the government ever been on the same side as the people they're supposed to represent?
Rufus: Okay, how about I start with why I'm here? You see, the three of you were in the last will and testament of Albus Dumbledore.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, I know. He left me nothing and wanted to remind me of what a loser he thought I was…
Rufus: Actually, he did leave you something.
Harry: Wait, WHAT?!
Rufus: In fact, he left all three of you something.
Ron and Hermione: Wait, WHAT?!
Rufus: Yeah, we were pretty surprised too. Hence why we felt the need to check over these items for…
Harry: Wait, if these items are legally ours now, why does the government need to look at them so badly?
Rufus: Well, believe it or not, Dumbledore wasn't really a fan of us…
Harry: I believe it.
Rufus: …and we wouldn't put it past him to try and convince a bunch of teenagers to try and defeat the Dark Lord…
Harry: You'd be right.
Rufus: …and so, we thought it would be best if we tried to figure out exactly what was so special about these items that he'd give them to you, so that we could potentially help you do exactly that.
Harry: And how'd that go?
Rufus: …we found nothing.
Hermione: Wait, I thought the government could only withhold items from a will if the items were of an illicit nature?
Rufus: Missy, we are fighting a God damn war against a genocidal maniac. If there's something out there that can help us kill him, I'm taking it, and if it's illegal for me to do it, I'll deal with the fucking consequences when the maniac's dead.
Harry: I'm not sure that a government official should be saying that.
Rufus: Look, do you want your stuff or not?
Harry: Sure, let's see how bad this is.
Rufus: Alright then *pulls out a piece of paper* "To Mr. Ronald Weasley, I leave you my Deluminator, because I believe he is completely delusional…wait, that's not what it does, oh shit. Eh, whatever, just leave that in."
Hermione: It doesn't actually say that, does it?
Harry: I'm guessing it does.
Rufus: And you'd be right *shows them the will actually says that*
Ron: Huh… *as Rufus hands him the Deluminator* …why'd he give me this?
Rufus: I was hoping you'd be able to tell me that.
Ron: Maybe to put out the lights more quickly when me and Harry…
Harry: We don't. Please move on Minister.
Rufus: Right…well, "to Miss Hermione Granger, I leave her this copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, because she is a NNNNNEEEEERRRRRDDDDD!"
Hermione: He didn't say…
Harry: Yes he did. He definitely did.
Rufus: *handing Hermione the book* Have you any idea why he would leave you this?
Hermione: To read it?
Rufus: Do you even read Ancient Runes?
Hermione: I mean, I studied them at school…
Ron: NNNNNEEEEERRRRRDDDDD!
Harry: Ron, we already knew that.
Rufus: Professor Dumbledore also wrote some notes in the book.
Hermione: I can see that. In "The Wizard and the Hopping Pot," he notes that, and I quote, "Helping people who need it because his cauldron blackmails him? Should have just dumped the thing in the river."
Harry: He could read Ancient Runes?
Rufus: Apparently so. But anyway, finally we get to you Mr. Potter…
Harry: I'm gonna guess this is going to be something less than useful.
Rufus: "To Harry Potter, I leave him the snitch he caught in his first Quidditch match, to remind him that he flies away like a coward at the first sign of danger." *holds out the snitch for Harry*
Harry: Oh, come on, that's not even remotely true. If anything, he's the useless one.
Rufus: Maybe so, but he still wanted you to have this *continue to hold the snitch out for Harry to take*
Harry: Hmm…you seem to be very insistent that I take it.
Rufus: Yes I am *holds it out more forcefully*
Ron: Don't do it Harry. Snitches have flesh memories.
Harry: Huh?
Ron: It means it'll feel the touch of your skin and love you forever, and that will make me very jealous.
Hermione: What he means is it's how the snitch knows who caught it first, it'll remember who touched it first and gravitate towards them.
Ron: That's what I said.
Harry: And you think Dumbledore hid something inside it?
Rufus: I will neither confirm nor deny that.
Harry: Whatever *snatches the snitch out of Rufus's hand* Is that what you wanted to see?
Rufus: *disappointed* Okay, yeah, I guess it's time to move on to the other thing Dumbledore wanted to give you…
Harry: Wait, two presents? Holy shit, maybe he did like me.
Rufus: The Sword of Godric Gryffindor…
Harry: Holy shit, and it's something good.
Rufus: …which never belonged to Dumbledore, therefore can't be given to you.
Harry: I knew there'd be a catch.
Hermione: Wait, didn't the Sword belong to Harry, who gave it to Dumbledore?
Harry: Pretty sure I never gave it to him, he just took it. Which would make it mine anyway, so…
Rufus: Actually, the Sword presents itself to any worthy Gryffindor, so…
Harry: *hand out* Sword please.
Rufus: Do you honestly believe that a sword will be any use in the fight against You-Know-Who?
Harry: It's a fricken sword. One of its functions is impalement.
Ron: Speaking of getting impaled…
Harry: NOT NOW RON!
Rufus: In any case, I don't have the Sword here because it technically counts as a school heirloom, therefore not Dumbledore's to give away, and therefore not yours. Goodbye *leaves*
Harry: Asshole.
*later that night*
Hermione: So…any idea why Dumbledore gave us this stuff?
Ron: Like I said, to turn off the lights when me and Harry start fu…
Harry: No, no he did not.
Hermione: And I was just given a bunch of fairy tales…
Harry: Maybe there's some truth to them?
Hermione: Come on Harry, you don't still believe in magic do you?
Harry: Still denying it huh?
Ron: Wait Harry, I was just thinking of my balls in your mouth…
Harry: Of course you were.
Ron: …and I remembered that the first snitch you caught was with your mouth.
Harry: Huh…you're right for once.
Ron: So, I was thinking…
Harry: No, I'm not putting your balls in my mouth.
Ron: Oh… *puts his balls back in his pants* …in that case, why don't you put the snitch in your mouth?
Harry: Huh…that might actually work.
Ron: Just close your eyes first, and…
Harry: Put 'em away.
Ron: …so close *puts his balls away again*
Harry: Okay, here goes *starts to put the snitch in his mouth*
Ron: You have no idea how many times I've dreamed of seeing you do this.
Harry: *snitch half in his mouth* Don't make this weird.
Hermione: Harry, words have appeared on the back of the snitch.
Harry: Really? *pulls snitch out of his mouth to check*
Ron: Aww, I like seeing you with…
Harry: Shut up Ron *reads the words* "I open at the close".
Hermione: What do you think that means?
Harry: Give it 20 to 30 chapters, I'm sure the insane ramblings of Dumbledore will make sense. In the meantime, let's wrap this one up.