Harry: *waking up* Well, might as well see what this house has. Especially since it belongs to me anyway *notices Ron and Hermione's hands are close together* Huh…odd, but not something I care about *leaves*
*upstairs*
Harry: Huh, never been in Sirius's room before *opens the door* Okay, I guess someone has been through this place, everything's trashed. And he really wanted to spite his muggle-hating family. Especially with these sexy bikini-clad women.
*meanwhile, at The Burrow*
Ginny: *pausing in the middle of pouring some kind of smoking liquid into Dolohov's eyes* Why'd I just feel a jolt of rage? Oh well, might as well take it out on you *Dolohov screams as she forces the bottle, glass and all, into his mouth*
*back at Grimmauld Place*
Harry: Hey, what's this? *picks up a piece of paper on the ground*
Letter: Dear Padfoot, thank you for Harry's birthday present, though I think a toy broomstick for a one-year-old might have been a bit of a risk. Eh, it'll probably be fine. Didn't do much for his birthday, just a quiet dinner with us and old Bathilda here in Godric's Hollow. We invited Wormy too, but lately he just seems anxious, like he knows something bad is going to happen. I guess when you're at war, that's what you come to expect though. Bathilda has some great stories about Dumbledore though, some that me and James could hardly believe. For example, did you know he…
Harry: …what did he do, mum? WHAT DID HE DO?! *looks through the scraps of paper on the ground for the rest of the letter* DAMN IT! Who the hell just steals half a letter? Written by an orphan's mother, no less.
Hermione: *bursting in* There you are Harry.
Harry: Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?
Hermione: Harry, you do realise you're being stalked by people who want to kill you, right?
Harry: At this point, that's just a normal Tuesday for me.
Hermione: Yes, but we'd rather not risk losing you.
Harry: Yeah, well, look at what I found *shows Hermione the letter*
Hermione: *reading the letter* Wow Harry, that's actually really touching for you. Where's the rest of it?
Harry: Dunno, the room was trashed when I got here, and I couldn't find it. You wouldn't think someone would steal it, would you?
Hermione: People steal weird shit all the time.
Harry: Yeah, but, half a letter?
Hermione: Why don't we get some breakfast?
Harry: *following her out of the room* Do you really think any food left here will still be edib… *stops in his tracks* Err, Hermione?
Hermione: Yeah?
Harry: What were the initials from the note in the locket again?
Hermione: R. A. B. Why?
Harry: Well, I found him.
Hermione: Wait, what? *goes back to Harry* How did you… *sees the door he's looking at* Regulus Arcturus Black.
Harry: Well, I guess the next step is to see if there's a destroyed locket in there.
Hermione: Harry, there could be lots of people out there with those initials.
Harry: You're right, there could. However, with no better leads, we'd better explore this one.
Hermione: I suppose. RON! Get your ass up here.
Harry: And preferably the rest of you too.
Ron: *coming up the stairs ass first* But Harry…
Harry: No buts. Or butts, for that matter. We have work to do. Find the locket.
Ron: But Harry…
Harry: *already searching the room* Less talk, more search.
Ron: I was just gonna say we already threw the locket out.
Harry: *stops what he was doing* …what?
Ron: Two years ago, when we were cleaning this place out. There was that locket we couldn't open, and…
Harry: Ron, that didn't end up in the fic, therefore it's probably still here *continues to search*
Hermione: Pretty sure when Kieran forgets to add something, it still ends up canon anyway.
Harry: Yes, but I'm desperate to make progress on this hunt, so… *continues searching*
Ron: Of course, Kreacher was also saving things that we were planning to throw out, so…
Harry: Where the hell is Kreacher any… *Kreacher suddenly appears* JESUS FUCK!
Kreacher: Hello master, how may I please you today?
Harry: Okay, no wording it like that, for starters.
Ron: Yeah, only I…
Harry: No.
Hermione: Harry, you didn't tell me you owned a house elf.
Harry: I don't exactly utilise him a lot, do I? Anyway, Kreacher…
Kreacher: Yes daddy…
Harry: Don't do that.
Kreacher: How may I help you?
Harry: Do you remember anything about a locket in this house?
Kreacher: Master Regulus's locket?
Harry: Yeah, that. Where is it?
Kreacher: Gone.
Harry: …well, fuck.
Ron: I told you we threw it out.
Kreacher: No.
Harry: It wasn't thrown out?
Kreacher: Not from lack of trying by you people. No, it was stolen.
Hermione: Who stole…
Harry: Mundungus.
Hermione: Harry, you can't just assume it, just because…
Kreacher: Shut up mudblood, he's right.
Harry: Great, now all we have to do is find Mundungus and get it back.
Ron: Hey, how did Kreacher get it in the first place?
Harry: No, we're not interested in that.
Kreacher: Well…
Harry: No…
Kreacher: It all started when Master Regulus became a Death Eater…
Harry: Kreacher, I order you to stop.
Kreacher: Master Regulus was asked by the Dark Lord to lend him his house elf…
Harry: Damn it, we're getting a flashback, aren't we?
*flashback*
Voldemort: Regulus, I need to borrow your house elf.
Regulus: Certainly, my Lord. May I ask what for?
Voldemort: Of course you can *doesn't say anything else*
Regulus: My Lord?
Voldemort: I said you could ask, I never said I'd answer.
Regulus: Fair enough. Kreacher, go help My Lord with whatever he needs done, and when you're done, come home and make dinner.
Voldemort: *eye twitch* Yes…when he gets home…
*at the cave*
Kreacher: Alright, what do you need me to do?
Voldemort: *holding a goblet of something disgusting looking* Drink this shit.
Kreacher: …what is it?
Voldemort: *forcing the liquid down Kreacher's throat* Never you mind, just drink it you vile abomination.
Kreacher: *retching* Mountain Dew? Why would you… *gets forced another mouthful*
Voldemort: Well, I guess it won't matter if I tell you, since you're not gonna live to tell the tale *forces another goblet down Kreacher's throat* You see this locket? This *forces another goblet down Kreacher's throat* contains a piece of my soul, and *forces another goblet down Kreacher's throat* I'm hiding it here where no-one will find it, so if something should happen to me, I can retrieve it and *forces another goblet down Kreacher's throat* regain my power *forces another goblet down Kreacher's throat*
Kreacher: *retching and dying* Good…plan…one…problem…
Voldemort: There is no problem, especially not one a pathetic vermin like you could figure out. Well, tata, I'm done with you, I'll let the Inferi deal with you *leaves*
Kreacher: *still gasping for air* Done…you say…
Inferi: *reaching out of the water* Eat…must…eat…and…rape…
Kreacher: How…about…no… *Apparates*
*back at Grimmauld Place*
Regulus: Kreacher, you're back. Time to get started on dinner…why are you dying?
Kreacher: *gasping for breath* Master…I…
*back in the present*
Harry: Wait, wait, wait, how the hell did you Apparate out of that cave? I thought Voldemort *thundercrack* surrounded it in protective charms.
Kreacher: Who told you that?
Harry: Dumble… *sudden thought* That son of a bitch.
Kreacher: Also, elf magic work different, cause we're better than you.
Harry: Debateable.
Hermione: Harry, as a member of S. P. E. W., you shouldn't be thinking that way.
Harry: He's literally my servant. I can think of him however I want.
Ron: So, what happened next?
Kreacher: Well…
Harry: OH GOD NOT MORE FLASHBACKS!
*flashback, in the cave*
Regulus: I just can't believe that the Dark Lord would do something so mean. It's so out of character for him.
Kreacher: What did you expect from someone named the Dark Lord?
Regulus: Yeah, but forcing someone to drink Mountain Dew? I mean, there's evil, and then there's that.
Kreacher: Yeah, well, he did. The question is, what are you going to do about it?
Regulus: Well, if this thing's more important to him than an innocent house elf's life, then he needs to be punished for it. We're going to take it, and destroy it.
Kreacher: How do you intend to do that?
Regulus: I'm sure we'll work something out *landing on the island* So, how do we get this out of here?
Kreacher: You have to get rid of the liquid first.
Regulus: He makes you drink it? How vile of him *pulls out a goblet and begins drinking* OH GOD WHY?!
Kreacher: No Master, as in…
Regulus: Kreacher, I order you to make sure I drink every drop of this.
Kreacher: Yes Master, but what I meant was…
Regulus: Less talk, more drink.
*later*
Regulus: Kreacher…take me to the water…I need a drink…
Kreacher: But sir…
Regulus: That's an order, Kreacher.
Kreacher: *sighs in defeat* Yes sir *drags Regulus to the water*
Regulus: *drinking* Ah, nice, refreshing… *gets grabbed* …uh oh… *gets dragged under the water*
Kreacher: Master?
Regulus: Kreacher… *goes under the water, before resurfacing* Destroy it.
Kreacher: Yes Master *switches the lockets, before Apparating out*
Regulus: *resurfacing* Kreacher? Where are you? I told you to destroy what's holding me.
Inferi: Speak of destroy *slaps his ass* Eat then fuck? Or fuck then eat? I can't decide.
Regulus: …uh oh…
*the present*
Harry: So, did you manage to destroy it, or…
Kreacher: What do you think?
Harry: Yeah, I didn't think we'd be that lucky. Kreacher, go find Mundungus and bring him here.
Ron: So we can get the locket back?
Harry: That, and I think we all want to punch him in the face for allowing Moody to die.
Hermione: I don't want to punch him.
Harry: Well, I…
Hermione: I did, however, find this plank of wood with some rusty nails in it that I want to introduce him to *taps it in her hand threateningly*
Harry: Good enough for me. Kreacher, we're going to finish what Regulus started. Get to work.
Kreacher: Yes sir *Apparates out*
Hermione: You know I still don't approve of you owning a house elf, right?
Harry: You know I don't care, right?