Harry: Damn it Kreacher, it's been two days. How long could it possibly take to track down one scumbag?
Hermione: Well, he's a criminal who's avoided Azkaban for years. He might actually be able to avoid Kreacher.
Harry: Yeah, but still…
Ron: *looking out the window* Uh, guys? We might have company.
Harry: What are you talking about? *looks out the window too and sees two people sitting on benches in the park across the street* …they could just be muggles.
Ron: They've been there for four hours.
Harry: They're having a really engaging conversation.
Ron: Their lips aren't moving.
Harry: …they're reading each other's body language?
Ron: Also, they're wearing robes and holding wands.
Harry: …okay, they're Death Eaters.
Ron: Hooray, I was helpful. Maybe you should reward me by…
Harry: No.
Ron: Worth a shot.
Hermione: Why don't they just try and break in?
Harry: They don't know where the door is.
Hermione: It's the one with a number 12 on it.
Harry: Hermione, you know it's enchanted to… *remembers she doesn't believe in magic* …never mind *hears the door open* …uh oh…
Dust Dumbledore: SNAPE YOU ASSHOLE, YOU KILLED ME! *charges at the intruder*
?: No I didn't *Dust Dumbledore shatters*
Ron: We gotta stop the Death Eater intruder. STUPEFY! *fires off numerous spells, hitting everything but the newcomer, including the curtain hiding Sirius's mother*
Mrs. Black: You fuckers are still here?
Harry: Oh, piss off *covers her up*
Hermione: And Ron, stop firing, it's just Remus.
Lupin: Actually…
Hermione: It's okay Remus, he won't do that anymore. Will you Ron?
Ron: …maybe?
Lupin: Guys, you really should…
Hermione: Why don't you come into the kitchen, we'll get you something to drink.
Harry: Hold on Hermione *grabs Lupin and throws him against the wall* WHAT SPELL DID YOU TEACH ME OUTSIDE CLASS AT HOGWARTS?!
Hermione: Harry, what are you…
Harry: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Lupin: A Patronus. Yours takes the form of a stag.
Harry: *releases Lupin* Okay, I'll trust him.
Hermione: What the hell was that about?
Lupin: He was checking that I'm me. Honestly Hermione, I would have expected better from the smartest witch in your year.
Ron: Sorry for disappointing you sir.
Lupin: Nah, you acted as expected.
Harry: So, what brings you here?
Lupin: To find you, since I had reason to suspect this is where you were. I take it your friends outside don't know you're here?
Ron: Those are our friends? I thought they were Death Eaters.
Harry: He meant it sarcastically Ron.
Ron: …does that mean Seamus is a Death Eater?
Harry: Alright, ignoring you in favour of someone smart. What else is new Remus?
Lupin: Well, because of Kingsley's warning, everyone was about to get away from the wedding safely.
Harry: That's good.
Lupin: But they did raid the Weasley's house, thinking Harry was there.
Harry: That's bad.
Lupin: Of course, they found no trace of you…
Harry: That's good.
Lupin: But now they're watching everywhere that has the vaguest connection to you.
Harry: That's bad.
Lupin: Which means they're using a lot of resources on pointless ventures…
Harry: That's good.
Lupin: …and anyone who wants to get in or out of here needs to apparate exactly onto the top step outside *sees Harry's blank face* That's bad. But anyway, what's going on with you guys? What happened after you left?
Harry: Eh, not much. We got attacked by some Death Eaters in Tottenham Court Road, then we came here.
Lupin: Wait, what? Did one of them grab you as you were escaping?
Hermione: No, we just went to a café to discuss what to do, and they came in.
Lupin: Then how the hell did they find you?
Harry: No idea. How are things on the outside world, by the way? I'm assuming they're pretty dangerous?
Lupin: Doubly so for you Harry *pulls out a copy of The Daily Prophet*
Harry: *reading the headline* "Harry Potter wanted for questioning in relation to Albus Dumbledore's death". Oh, come on, I told them Snape did it.
Ron: Harry, how could you?
Lupin: In any case Harry, all people know is that Dumbledore fell out of the Astronomy Tower, and you were seen fleeing the scene.
Harry: I was chasing Snape.
Lupin: And it wasn't so long ago everyone thought you were crazy.
Harry: Yeah, and then we proved them all wrong by showing that Voldemort *thundercrack* was back.
Lupin: The fact is: you're a wanted man, and the Ministry's under Voldemort's *thundercrack* control.
Hermione: So, how's Tonks?
Lupin: Oh…uh…she's fine. She's staying at her parent's place for the moment.
Ron: Which is where you'll be going after you're done here, right?
Lupin: Ah…well…I was wondering…since you three supposedly have a mission from Dumbledore…
Harry: More like a mission to keep me alive, but continue.
Lupin: …I was wondering if I could come with you guys.
Hermione: You're a newly married man. Shouldn't you be with your wife?
Lupin: Oh…uh…she'll be fine where she is…I'm sure her mother can help plenty with the baby when it arrives…
Harry: BABY?!
Hermione: Tonks is PREGNANT?!
Ron: Tonks can GET pregnant?
Harry: So, let me get this straight: you're abandoning your PREGNANT wife in order to go on a suicide mission that you know nothing about?
Lupin: …yes.
Harry: …and you're saying you're okay with that to a guy who never got to know his parents, thinking he'd be okay with that?
Lupin: …okay, I know this might look bad.
Harry: Just slightly.
Lupin: Just hear me out.
Harry: You have ten seconds.
Lupin: The kid's already an outcast. Do you have any idea what it's like for a werewolf out there? Tonks can at least get away with looking normal most of the time. Me, I disappear for a few days a month. How can I…
Harry: And did Tonks care about that?
Lupin: Huh?
Harry: Tonks didn't give a fuck that you were a werewolf. And yet, she still chose to marry you, and is choosing to have your kid.
Lupin: Harry, you don't understand…
Harry: No, I don't understand why you would run away from your responsibility. You asshole.
Lupin: You're an asshole *leaves*
Hermione: Harry, you realise we could have used his experience as part of this team, right?
Harry: …fuck.
Ron: Okay.
Harry: That's not what I… *a loud crack is heard*
Kreacher: Master, Kreacher is back with the Dung.
Mundungus: Can't say I'm a fan of…
Hermione: Expelliarmus *Mundungus's wand flies out of his hand*
Mundungus: Oh…hi guys. Didn't expect to see you…
Harry: *punches Mundungus in the face* Zip it Mundungus, we need information.
Mundungus: For the last time, You Know Who was right there, I wasn't going to…
Harry: First of all, you realise he's probably going to kill you, either now or later, it doesn't matter what happens, right?
Mundungus: Well, yeah, but…
Harry: And second of all, this isn't about Moody.
Mundungus: Oh…that's good…
Hermione: But this is *smacks Mundungus with a plank of wood with a nail in it*
Mundungus: AHH! You bitch *gets kicked in the nuts by Ron*
Ron: You're right, it is fun beating up Mundungus.
Harry: That's enough now guys, we need him alive for questioning.
Mundungus: Is that a nail I feel sticking into my back?
Hermione: A nice rusty one.
Harry: Well, let's make this quick so Dung Heap can get a tetanus shot.
Hermione: I'd rather he didn't.
Mundungus: Can someone please tell me what's going on? *gets slapped by Ron*
Ron: We'll do the questioning here. Harry, tell him what's going on.
Harry: Did you steal a locket from here?
Mundungus: I stole a lot of stuff from here.
Hermione: Did you steal a locket?
Mundungus: Probably…why?
Harry: Where is it?
Mundungus: I don't have it anymore. Why, is it valuable?
Ron: Yeah, it can help us ki… *Harry stamps on his foot*
Harry: Who'd you sell it to?
Mundungus: I didn't sell it, some Ministry bird took it, in exchange for turning the other way while I conducted my perfectly legitimate business.
Harry: Ugh, okay, who from the Ministry?
Mundungus: I don't know, some short toad lady. Wore a lot of pink, annoying girlish laugh, seemed to like cats…
Hermione: Oh my God…Harry, you know what this means, right?
Harry: Yeah, I do…we get to play with Dolly again.
Mundungus: …right…I'm gonna… *Kreacher hits him in the head with a frying pan*
Harry: Kreacher, you didn't need to do that. We were done with him, he was free to go.
Kreacher: I know, I just wanted a shot at him too.
Harry: Fair enough.