Harry: *waking up* Huh? What the…? What happened? *sees they're surrounded by trees* Where are we? And… *sees Ron lying on top of him* Why is Ron…actually, I already know the answer to that one.
Hermione: *urgently* Harry, my bag.
Harry: Why? What's happening? *sees Ron is covered in blood* Okay, seriously, what the fuck just happened?
Hermione: *showing him a chunk of Ron's arm is missing* He's been splinched, and is currently bleeding out.
Harry: HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!
Hermione: HARRY! There's some dittany in my bag to stop the bleeding.
Harry: But why? All my problems are about to be solved.
Hermione: HARRY! Do you really want to let him die?
Harry: Hmm…yeah, I guess he could still be a useful human shield later on *opens Hermione's bag* Accio dittany *dittany flies out of the bag*
Hermione: Could you do it for me? My hands are too shaky.
Harry: But you're the one who wants to save him.
Hermione: Harry…
Harry: Ugh, fine *opens bottle and pours dittany on the wound, which starts healing* There, it's… *notices something* Hey, your hands aren't shaking.
Hermione: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to be able to tell Ron you're the one who saved him when he wakes up.
Harry: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!
Hermione: I thought if I played a prank on you, you'd be in a better mood before I tell you this next bit of information.
Harry: I assume this is about where we are, and why?
Hermione: Yeah…so, Yaxley grabbed my arm just as we apparated out of the Ministry, and didn't let go until he was on the top step of the house, so…
Harry: Wait, so they can get in now?
Hermione: …yeah…
Harry: Well…that sucks…so where are we?
Hermione: Don't you recognise the place?
Harry: No, why would I?
Hermione: It's the place where the Quidditch World Cup was held. How do you not recognise the place?
Harry: Maybe because there's no longer a camp full of witches and wizards around. Or the stadium, for that matter.
Hermione: Still, I wonder how they knew we were at the Ministry?
Harry: Are you kidding? We led about 30 people through the Ministry who were supposed to be soul sucked. Also, I stole this from Umbridge's door *holds up Moody's eye*
Hermione: How did she get that?
Harry: Probably from Vold…
Ron: *waking up* Hi guys.
Hermione: RON! You survived.
Harry: Damn it, he survived.
Ron: Of course I survived Harry, I couldn't leave you alone in this world.
Harry: I'd have had Hermione.
Ron: But without me, what good is that?
Harry: A lot more than you.
Hermione: Well, anyway, if we're staying put, we should put up the tent. I'll set up some protective charms.
Ron: We have a tent?
Hermione: Yeah, in the bag.
Harry: And how do you explain holding everything in a bag this size?
Hermione: The top of the bag is obviously the opening of a pocket dimension. Duh.
Harry: You're running out of excuses for why magic's fake, aren't you?
Hermione: Just put the fucking tent up.
Harry: Yeah, fine. Then we can get some food.
Hermione: About that…
Harry: We have no food, do we?
Hermione: To be fair, I thought we'd be able to go back to the house.
Harry: Great…
Hermione: It's okay. We're in a forest. I'm sure there's something edible growing around here.
*later*
Hermione: Well, it's not much, but… *holds out a handful of mushrooms*
Harry: So, are those edible, deadly, or hallucinogenic?
Hermione: Honestly? They could be any combination of those. They're non-magical ones, so I don't have a book about them.
Ron: Here, I'll find out *eats the whole lot in one go*
Hermione: Ron, we were supposed to share those.
Harry: With that said, are you feeling any deader yet?
Ron: Not yet, Harry with three heads.
Harry: Hallucinogenic it is then. So Hermione, you have the horcrux then?
Hermione: Right here *pulls out the horcrux*
Ron: You got the horcrux, Hermione with tentacle arms?
Harry: Okay, after everything we went through to get it, I'm making sure this thing stays safe *puts on the locket*
Hermione: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Harry: Not in the slightest. Now, I'm going to keep watch, since we don't know when or if the Death Eaters are going to show up.
Ron: Maybe they only show up when it's inconvenient?
Harry: That would mean they're permanently around *heads outside* Okay, now to have my own hallucinations *goes into Voldemort's head*
Voldemort: So, Gregorovitch, you know why I'm here, right?
Gregorovitch: Nein, nein, nein.
Voldemort: Nine-nine-nine? Is that a safe combination? Doesn't seem very secure if it is.
Gregorovitch: Nein, du verdammter Idiot, das heißt, ich habe keine Ahnung, warum du hier bist. Oder wer du bist.
Voldemort: Why do you people insist on speaking gibberish to me, knowing damn well I won't understand a word of it?
Gregorovitch: Es ist nicht meine Schuld, wenn du einen einfachen Übersetzungszauber nicht ausführen kannst.
Voldemort: Alright, I'm sick of this. Tell me where it is, and I'll let you live.
Gregorovitch: Wo was ist? Ich weiß immer noch nicht, wer du bist oder was du willst, du verdammter Idiot.
Voldemort: Don't try to hide anything from Lord Voldemort, I will *phone goes off* Ugh, sorry, just ignore that.
Gregorovitch: Voldemort? Bist du einem Baby nicht wie eine Schlampe zum Opfer gefallen?
Voldemort: Ah, so you have… *phone goes off again* I really need to do something about that. Anyway, reading your mind now.
Gregorovitch: Was bist du...AHHHH! *flashes back into Gregorovitch's mind*
*the past*
?: HAHA! I got it.
Gregorovitch: *bursting into the room* Wer zum Teufel bist du? HEY! Hände weg davon.
?: Oops, gotta go. STUPEFY! *blasts Gregorovitch with a spell*
*back in the present*
Voldemort: So, who was that?
Gregorovitch: Woher zum Teufel soll ich das wissen?
Voldemort: Clearly this conversation's going nowhere. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Gregorovitch: Geh und fick dich selbst *gets blasted by the spell*
*back in Harry's body*
Hermione: Harry, what did you just see?
Harry: Well, Gregorovitch is dead.
Ron: Was it You-Know-Who?
Harry: Yeah, Gregorovitch used to have something that he wanted, but it got stolen by some blonde-haired guy who looked vaguely familiar. So now he's dead.
Hermione: I thought he wanted a wand that could kill you?
Harry: Hermione, the guy literally cut his soul up to make himself immortal. Do you really think he's capable of rational thought?
Hermione: …maybe he…yeah, I got nothing.
Ron: Speaking of having nothing on…
Harry: Swing and a miss, Ron.
Author's note: Hi guys, sorry these chapters are taking a long time to come out. Chapters of my current Total Drama fic take a lot of time and effort to make good (or at least, good enough for my standards), which pushes back when I can write chapters of this. Don't worry, I am committed to finishing this series that I've spent…holy crap, nearly 9 years on. Anyway, thanks for sticking around, and feel free to vote on the poll on my profile to determine what other fics I should work on when I finally finish one or the other of my current works. See you soon.