Hermione: Hey, uh, Harry, not to impose on your moping, but I think someone's watching us.
Harry: Well, duh, we look like a couple of muggles who just put flowers on the graves of a couple of wizards…wait, that might be a bad thing.
Hermione: …wanna leave?
Harry: Probably should. And get the cloak back on, see if we can lose them.
Hermione: Won't they see our footprints?
Harry: Probably. Get under the cloak and we'll find out.
*later*
Harry: So, how are we going to find Bathilda Bagshot's house?
Hermione: Are we still doing that, given that we think we're being stalked?
Harry: Isn't that the whole reason we came here?
Hermione: I mean, I know it's the whole reason YOU came here.
Harry: No, I also wanted to see my parent's graves, given that my actual family never cared enough to do it for me.
Hermione: Well anyway, I have no idea how we're going to find her, given that she's elderly and unlikely to come out of her house, especially on a frozen wintry day like this. We might as well leave and come back…
Harry: Um, Hermione?
Hermione: Now what?
Harry: Does that house look a little blown up to you?
Hermione: Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with…oh…
Harry: So this is where it happened. I wonder if there's a secret monument here as… *steps forwards, and suddenly a large, glowing sign pops out of the ground, complete with bright flashing lights*
Sign: Welcome traveller, this is the house that Lily and James Potter lived in until You-Know-Who came and murdered them, before accidentally getting himself killed by a baby. What a little bitch he is. Anyway, please leave a good review for us on Trip Adviser, just like these satisfied users *reviews of the site start popping up*
User GredandFeorge: Nice job Harry, hope to meet up soon. And for anyone who says Potter4Life at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, you get 20% off your purchase.
User IndestructibleDick: Hey Harry, sorry about being an ass back in our fifth year. I truly believe you can stop You Know Who. As an aside, don't stick your dick in those lights, they really burn.
User WolfWolf: Harry, I did everything in my power to teach you to kick ass, now go out there and do it.
User MudbloodsSuck: You suck Potter.
Harry: Look at that Hermione, they really believe in me.
Hermione: Harry, we have company *points out the figure stumbling towards them*
Harry: It could just be some drunk from the pub.
Hermione: Then why is she standing so close to us?
Harry: Huh? *sees the figure standing right next to them, clearly aware of them* AH! Wait a sec…are you Bathilda Bagshot?
Bathilda: *pauses, then weakly nods*
Harry: HA! See Hermione, we don't need to track her down, she came to us.
Hermione: Harry, something seems wrong about this.
Harry: Bathilda, can you show us to your house?
Bathilda: *weakly nods, and heads back up the street*
Hermione: Harry, we're wearing the Invisibility Cloak.
Harry: *following Bathilda* So?
Hermione: And we're still disguised as muggles.
Harry: Hermione, you don't even believe in magic, there's no way you could understand what's going on here. Plus, the stuff's wearing off.
Hermione: I just think…
Harry: Hush. We're here *follows Bathilda into her house*
Hermione: Harry… *sniffs air* UGH! What is that smell?
Harry: Well, she is old, and probably can't clean as well as she used to.
Hermione: Okay, and she's not using her wand because…
Harry: Again, she's old, and has no idea what she's doing.
Hermione: And you seriously think Dumbledore gave her the sword?
Harry: The guy was a madman, why wouldn't he? *sees a photo on the mantlepiece* Hey, that's the guy Voldy's *partial thundercrack* looking for. I wonder if she knows…
Bathilda: Come.
Hermione: Harry, did you hear…
Harry: Yes, I heard her, she wants us to come with her.
Hermione: What do you mean? That sounded like…
Harry: Oh, I get it, you think she meant just me. Wait there Hermione, I'll be right back *follows Bathilda upstairs*
Hermione: Harry, I really don't think…
Harry: Hermione, she's a crazy old woman. I think I can take her if anything goes wrong *follows Bathilda into a bedroom*
Hermione: *sighs* I'll give him a minute, then I'll go in and say I told you so.
*upstairs*
Harry: So Bathilda, what is it you wanted to show me? Is it who this guy is *shows her the picture from downstairs*
Bathilda: You are…Potter?
Harry: You know it. So, have you got something for me?
Bathilda: …good *suddenly opens her mouth, revealing Nagini's been hiding in there the whole time*
Harry: …uh oh… *reaches for his wand*
Nagini: Wait…don't I know you?
Harry: Uh…
Nagini: Yeah, I do. You're the kid who freed me from the zoo sssssix yearsssss ago. Hey, how'sssss it going?
Harry: Uh…not bad…
Nagini: Good, good. Hey, if you could jussssst wait there, I've gotta call my massssster about sssssomething…
Harry: Look, I've gotta be going…
Nagini: No, no, ssssstick around, my massssster will be interesssssted in meeting you *touches mark on her body*
*down the street, at the pub*
Voldemort: …and then he said some gibberish that seemed to indicate he had no idea who it was. Can you believe that?
Bartender: Yeah, these things happen. You want another round?
Voldemort: You know what? It's Christmas. Why no… *phone goes off* Hold that thought *checks it* Holy shit, I gotta go.
Bartender: HEY! You haven't paid your tab.
Voldemort: Charge it to Lucius Malfoy, I have something more important to take care of *leaves in a hurry*
*back at the house*
Nagini: Ssssstop trying to leave. My massssster mussssst have known you were the one to sssssave me, and wantsssss to thank you.
Harry: *wrapped in Nagini's coils* Nope, he definitely wants me for another reason.
Nagini: What other reassssson could there possssssssssibly be?
Harry: …might have something to do with me accidentally destroying his body?
Nagini: …what?
Harry: Wait, you didn't know about that?
Nagini: No, he jussssst sssssaid he wanted to talk to you. I assssssssssumed he knew you sssssaved me and wanted to thank you for it. If you're the one who nearly killed him though… *squeezes tighter*
Hermione: Okay Harry, what's with all the hissing up… *sees Harry wrapped up in Nagini* I knew there was something wrong. I told you…
Harry: Hermione…dying…
Hermione: *sigh* Fine *pulls out her wand* CONFRINGO!
Harry: Wait, that could hit… *spell hits Nagini, then starts bouncing around the room randomly, blowing stuff up* …everything.
Nagini: You little bitch, I'm gonna kill you *lunges at her*
Hermione: Not if I do this *dodges and grabs Harry*
Voldemort: *slamming the door open* What the fuck was with all those explosions?
Hermione: Uh…gotta go.
Voldemort: Go where? *Hermione apparates away with Harry* Oh, SON OF A BITCH! I thought you said you could hold him.
Nagini: Well, sssssorry if sssssome mudblood bitch hitsssss me with an explosssssion ssssspell.
Voldemort: Why I oughtta… *sees the photo that Harry dropped* …wait a minute… *realises who the photo is of* …Nagini, you're excused. I have everything I need right here.
*flashback, October 31, 1981*
Voldemort: *singing* I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today…
Passerby: That song doesn't exist yet.
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra *passerby dies* Now, here we are *looks through the window, seeing Lily, James, and Harry* The baby that will somehow kill me. Well, better take care of it *goes to the door and knocks*
James: *from inside* Who is it?
Voldemort: Pizza delivery.
Lily: *from inside* We didn't order a pizza.
James: *from inside* Hush Lily, we can get free pizza out of this.
Lily: *from inside* We'd still have to pay him though.
James: *from inside* Not the way I do things *opens the door* …you're not a pizza guy.
Voldemort: No, I'm not. AVADA KEDAVRA! *blasts James, who falls over dead*
Lily: James, what's going on? *sees Voldemort* …oh.
Voldemort: Hi.
Lily: …hi?
Voldemort: Gimme the baby.
Lily: …why?
Voldemort: I'm gonna kill it.
Lily: How about no?
Voldemort: Well, it's not like you can stop me anyway, so… *sees she's run upstairs to Harry's room, barricading herself in, and sighs* You're only making this harder on yourself *heads upstairs, and blasts the door open* Seriously, did you think that would work?
Lily: You know a mother would try to save their own child by any means necessary, right?
Voldemort: Not my mother. She chose to die and leave me at a muggle orphanage. I spent the next ten years…
Lily: Oh God, not a backstory monologue. Can't you just kill me?
Voldemort: Great idea. AVADA KEDAVRA! *Lily falls over dead* Now, just the baby to go.
Harry: Goo goo gaa gaa?
Voldemort: You know, I could just throw you out the window, but that wouldn't be fair as a magic user, so…AVADA KEDAVRA! *spell hits Harry, only to rebound and hit Voldemort, knocking his soul out of his body* What the hell? Where's my body? *sees it crumble to ash* Oh, you little bastard. COME HERE! *tries to strange Harry, but his hands pass right through him* Huh, why do I feel weaker?
?: What the hell happened in here?
Voldemort: And that's my cue to leave *dives out the window* Wait, I'm on the second floor *faceplants*
*back in the present*
Hermione: Harry? You okay in there?
Harry: Well, we're alive aren't we? And we just escaped my good buddy again. Also, I now know the guy he's looking for is Grindelwald. It's not like anything could dampen my spirits after that, right?
Hermione: I broke your wand.
Harry: …okay, that might do it.