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Chapter 4: Guilt Trips

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The first trek to the second stargate, it had been Sheppard waiting for a lagging McKay and now Rodney was practically carrying John down the corridors, both men breathing hard at the strain. John tried to steady himself with a hand against the wall, when there was an intact wall lining the corridors, that is. It was a tedious slow go and John felt time slipping away that he just couldn't afford to lose but he knew McKay was moving them both as fast as he could. 'And I'm next to no help,' because he was dizzy, nauseous, and so pathetically weak. The upside was….the shot had definitely amped up his connection to the technology in the city.

Lights and computer systems that were dead when they ventured through the same paths half an hour early now flickered to life as they sensed his boosted gene presence. It gave John hope that he could do what he hoped he could do at the dial. When Rodney had noticed the same thing John had, he had remarked in surprise. "It's working...your connection…it's able to start up systems that it couldn't before."

"Why so surprised? My plans work…" At Rodney's sarcastic, "Really" John amended, "Most of the time."

"Yeah, and most of the time you get the crap beat out of you, captured, nearly killed…" Rodney recapped how Sheppard's "success" stories usually went.

"All acceptable if there is a happy ending," John sallied back but wasn't prepared for Rodney to look at him in silent contemplation as they hoofed it down the corridor. "What? I got more slobber on my face," making a slopping hand swipe across his mouth.

"Is there one?" Rodney quietly asked, eyes still on John instead of the steps ahead.

"One, what?" John asked, not sure what McKay was stressing about now.

Rodney felt like he couldn't breathe, could barely get the words out. "A happy ending this time?"

"Rodney…" John began to placate McKay, but Rodney angrily overrode his words.

"Don't sugarcoat this, Sheppard! You took a drug that gave you an immediate seizure, you can't walk or even stand up on your own, even Carson didn't know the effects it will have on you," Rodney voiced the fears running rampant through his head since Sheppard had put that crap into his blood stream.

Ignoring the sentiment Rodney wanted to get into, John kept his focus on the goal ahead. "All I care about is if it lets me call up the last address dialed on the 'gate,"

"Sheppard…" Rodney protested at John's avoidance of the worry he had expressed.

"They have our ZPM, McKay! I don't think I need to tell you how vulnerable that makes us, all of us," John rigidly reminded McKay why they were in a hurry to get where they were going.

"I'm aware, Colonel, sir," Rodney bit back, deciding that if Sheppard wanted this to be all military last name, yes sir, mission only conversation, he could do that. Picked up the pace they were making down the hallway, he pretended that he didn't notice or care that John had to use his hand against the wall almost constantly to keep from lurching out of Rodney's grip onto a full out sprawl on the floor.

It was a relief really when they had to come to a halt at the section of the corroder with the thigh high water. "Let's rest a moment," Rodney stated and was panicked when John pulled out of his hold but his flaying hands to recapture his CO weren't needed when he realized John had replaced his support with the wall's.

Resting his whole frame against the solid surface, head back against the wall, John breathed deeply trying to get air to flow to his lungs, even as sweat peppered his forehead, face and drenched his hair. But his hand instinctively went for his handgun as a noise from the way they had come echoed down the hallway. Gun raised, though trembling in his grasp, he had it sighted on the turn of the corridor. He didn't risk trying to stand up, knew he couldn't so he continued to brace himself against the wall for whatever was coming their way. Saw that Rodney too had followed suit, stood there, M90 raised, though his eyes darted between the threat and John, worried John would pass out from the simple exertion of raising the gun.

It was kind of a miracle that neither man didn't unleash a volley into Ronon and Teyla as they turned the corner and entered their corridor. His too heavy arm dropping to his side, John let his head fall back against the wall and closed his eyes, glad he hadn't mistakenly pulled the trigger on some friendlies. That would have just been a cherry on top of the day he'd been having. Pulling his meager strength together, he opened his eyes and raised his head from the wall, watched as Ronon and Teyla broke into a run to join them.

"Thank goodness," Rodney breathed, having already lowered his own rifle and feeling knee bending relief that his two friends were coming, that he wasn't going to be responsible for John solo anymore.

"Can't say I expected to see you two," John greeted standoffishly. Wasn't going to dismiss the early lesson that he had learned about letting down his guard because he befriended someone under his command.

Ignoring John's taunt, Teyla drew close to Sheppard, worriedly asked, "Colonel, are you alright? Were you injured in the explosion?"

"I'm fine. Rodney's claustrophobia must be rubbing off on me," John deflected.

Seeing the state his friend was in, Ronon cursed himself all over again for not getting there sooner, for not coming back with John. Because it was apparent that a lot had gone wrong between then and now and he didn't just mean with Atlantis. Sheppard looked terrible, was leaning heavily against the wall, breathing hard, was sweating and paler than he'd ever seen the man. And still Sheppard wanted to pretend that he was fine, keep him and Teyla at arm's length because of their earlier disagreement. Ronon wasn't having any of that.

Realizing that he wasn't going to get a straight answer from Sheppard, Ronon turned to Rodney, towered menacingly over the shorter man. "What's wrong with him?!" pointing to Sheppard like Rodney would mistake who Ronon was talking about.

"I said I'm fine!" John insisted, pushed himself off the wall and stood on his own two feet to prove it.

Ronon shot John a dark look over his shoulder, was glad Teyla had latched onto John's arm because the man looked even worse now that he was trying to sell his lie. Turning back to Rodney, Ronon growled, "He clearly needs Beckett so why are you heading the wrong way?!"

Rodney swallowed hard, didn't relish telling Ronon what John had done because the Satedan usually didn't adhere to the adage of 'don't shoot the messenger.' Drawing in a breath, he let it out with a hurried flow of words. "He took a shot of the gene therapy to boost his connection with the Ancient technology, hoping to be able to figure out the last number dialed on the second stargate we found and track the thefts down through their numerous stargate jumps they most likely made since leaving Atlantis."

"Tattletale," John lowly jeered, sinking back to lean against the wall's support.

"Beckett approved this?! Thought the effects wouldn't…harm him?" Teyla asked, censure in her voice for the doctor because John looked anything but 'unharmed'.

"No, Beckett definitely didn't approve it and as far as harming him…" here Rodney snorted. "He had a damn massive seizure after injecting the drug and can't walk on his own since. So I'd say it's a tad harmful."

Furious at John for doing this to himself but knowing punching the ill man right then wasn't an option, Ronon instead punched the wall with a yell, punched it a second time for good measure.

Startled by Ronon's explosive reaction to what he had done, John tried his version of soothing his teammate, "Hey, unstable area here as it is, so stop trying to bring the roof down on our heads." In one long stride Ronon was in front of him, his essence of pissed-off-ness reeking off the Satedan.

"Like you care what happens to you?!" Ronon angrily challenged his CO.

"To me? You're probably right. But Rodney hates being buried alive, right McKay?" Sheppard joked, looking to McKay thinking he'd definitely not deny that, but the scientist was lock jawed, apparently wanted no part of taunting Ronon.

And part of Ronon believed Sheppard's first statement, that John didn't care what happened to himself. 'Because if he did, he wouldn't be injecting crap into his system that he has no idea if it will kill him or not.' "What were you thinking!?" he roared slamming both his hands against the wall on either side of Sheppard, pinning the man in his personal space.

But John didn't back down at Ronon's anger or his intimidation tactic. "What I was thinking was 'gee wouldn't it be great to get the ZPM back before Atlantis gets wiped off the map!'"

"There are other ways!" Ronon shouted back, punching the wall to John's right.

"What ways!?" John shouted back. "Do you know how to figure out where they went, catch up to them before they delivered the ZPM to who knows who, before they broadcast a message to the wraith saying, 'X marks the spot to the Atlanteans, you know the ones you thought were dead?!'" But all the shouting took precious oxygen from John's straining lungs and energy he didn't really have. Which is way he started to black out, could hear Ronon's voice and Teyla and Rodney's from a distance.

Not prepared for John to collapse against him, Ronon caught the man against his chest even as he called out "Sheppard!?" in a panic. Then Teyla and Rodney were there, trying to rouse Sheppard with words and their touch, finding a pulse but it was erratic under Rodney's fingertips. "That's it, I'm done with this. I'm taking him to Beckett," Ronon declared, was about to pick up Sheppard when John slurred out a protest.

John came back to the land of the living to hear Ronon say 'Beckett' and knew they were trying to screw everything up he was trying to do. So it was grunt of a "No!" that he got out, found when he opened his eyes it was to see Ronon's leather shirt way too up close and personal. Pushing off the man's chest, he swayed but there was no fear of him falling, not when Ronon's hands were clamping onto his arms like they were manacles and Teyla and Rodney were crowding him from both sides.

"Sheppard, you need to go to Beckett," Ronon was using that gentle tone he rarely used and John knew he had scared the Sadetan, which wasn't an easy task.

"What I need is some damn help doing what I need to do!" John thought he was shouting but it came out as a measly choked whisper. Ok, he just had to work with what he had, so, no command voice thing happening, then it was down to appealing. Knowing Ronon was his biggest obstacle to getting to the 'gate he focused his entreaty on the taller man. "I need help and I'm asking you…all of you for that help."

"Help to what? Watch you die?!" Ronon challenged, shaking his head.

"To right some of my wrongs, to do my job, to …to be able to look myself in the mirror tomorrow. I kicked the sleeping nest of Wraith, every world they take over, I helped them do it. And maybe I can't stop that…but I can try my best to keep Atlantis safe, to make sure the Wraith never make it to Earth. And you honestly don't have the right to tell me that's not worth my life, that I shouldn't risk whatever I have to to see that done. You'd be a hypocrite if you did because I know, if you had the chance, you would have died to save Sateda." More oxygen and energy spent, John bowed his head, rested it against the closest steady surface which just happened to be Ronon's chest and prayed that his words got through, that he hadn't lost this battle.

Ronon let out a litany of Satedan curses because as much as he wanted to cart John back to Beckett, make sure his friend survived this foolish action of his…he understood John's words, the desire to right his wrongs, to save his people, even if it meant dying to do it. Putting his big hand gently on the back of John's bowed head, he bowed his own head until his cheek rested against Sheppard's and fervently vowed, "I'll help you do what you must."

Exhaling loudly in relief, John nodded his head. Took him a few moments to marshal the strength to raise his head, met Ronon's eyes and checked out Rodney and Teyla's expressions. None of his teammates looked pleased but they were still standing by his side. "Ok, then…first things first, get me to the 'gate already."

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With Ronon's height and strength taking most of John's weight and Teyla assisting on John's other side, the foursome managed to transverse the water, the holey flooring and the winding corridors in record time. They burst into the 'gate room, drawing all the attention of the gathered two security teams and their leader, Lorne.

Coming quickly to his COs side, Lorne demanded of Ronon, "What happened? Why'd you bring him here and not the infirmary?!"

"Doesn't anyone have anything else to talk about today but dragging me to the infirmary?" John grumbled at having the same question and argument with everyone he met. "Lorne, they brought me here under my orders and you're gonna stop with the infirmary talk." At Lorne's look of protest, John gritted out, "Not a peep, Major. That's an order."

"Yes, sir," but Lorne was nowhere pleased to obey but he knew his duty. "What are your next orders?"

And now that he was finally at his destination, John felt trepidation that he could do what he hoped he could. That he had made all this stink and effort only to fail. But he couldn't let his doubts show, and he couldn't plan for failure but for success. "I'll dial up the address the thieves went to but there's a high chance we'll be gating into an ambush. The 'gate will announce our arrival meaning the advantage of surprise is off the board, so we'll go in hot with two teams. If the thieves aren't at the first address, we'll use that gate to follow them to their next address from that location and so on until we track the ZPM down."

"Recall the last number dialed…we can do that?" Lorne asked, not in disbelief but confusion having had his own conversation with Rodney a time or two about that need. His eyes skittered to McKay in question.

Not wanting to betray Sheppard by doubting him, nor wanting to rat out what the Colonel had done to perform this miracle, McKay stoically answered the Major's look. "We've had some breakthroughs…recently, very…recently. Sheppard….the Colonel might…should….be able to access the last address now because of his gene…you know his ….connection that's stronger than…..well, you'll see."

"Elegantly said," John quipped to McKay but he gave the man a nod of appreciation for his support and his silence all the same. Then he was turning to Ronon who was still supporting him. "This might be just a diversion. They might want us running around after the thieves while someone plans to attack us now that our power source is offline. So you, Teyla and Rodney work on securing Atlantis."

It was Rodney who got out his protest first. "What?! No! We're not staying here and letting you go off alone." Then he looked at the Major, "I mean, no offense to you and your team…" Lorne simply nodded, knew how protective Sheppard's team was of their leader.

"Yeah, not happening Sheppard," Ronon dictated, tightening his grip around John's waist to ensure the man didn't try and escape his hold.

"You're forgetting again that I'm in charge! I say jump and you say how high!" John growled back, glad that it was just Lorne close enough to hear this argument.

"I don't know about this jumping, but we do not feel right not going with you," Teyla tried to calmly reason with her CO.

"And I don't feel right leaving Atlantis defenseless and that's where you guys come in," John countered.

"No," Ronon flatly refused.

Asking Lorne to give them a few minutes, John waited until the Major was out of earshot before he turned that damn trusting look on Ronon again. "Look this is a crappy situation and crappy choices but I need to trust whoever I leave back here to do what I would do if I could be at two places at the same time. And that means it's you guys here holding the line because …well, I trust you, probably more than I should considering today's mission." And yeah, he was pretty confident that he could guilt them into obeying him but it felt wrong when all three showed signs of guilty unease at his mention of their FUBAR mission only an hour or so earlier. "That being said, I know you've reformed your evil ways and are now good little soldiers who love to obey my orders, without question."

Properly chastised at his early disobedience and knowing his guilt was playing right into the Colonel's game, Ronon bit out, "You're a real bastard Sheppard."

"Yeah, but only on days that end in "y"," John retorted, knowing that Ronon's anger meant agreement. Then he turned to his other teammates. "Teyla, you have your own people to think about here. You need to instruct them to go to the shelter for a few hours until we can determine if an attack is imminent and if we can recover the ZPM and restore the cloak to full strength."

Suddenly Teyla was just as angry as Ronon. She took offense that John was pointing out that her responsibility to her people should be her primary focus instead of worrying about him. "My people aren't the only ones I have the right to worry about!"

"True…but you are still their leader," John unmercifully reminded her.

Fire glittered in her dark eyes and she spat, "You are what Ronon said you are," and she uncharacteristically started to stalk out of the room in a huff only to turn around, come back to John. Standing toe to toe with him, she commanded, "Don't even think about not coming back to us because I am thoroughly looking forward to thrashing you without mercy on our next sparring lesson."

John smiled. "That sounds delightful."

"Be careful, John," she earnestly requested of him and then she did leave. Part of her didn't want to witness his departure, fearing she would not see him again.

Knowing there was still one quarter that had not acquiesced to his order, John looked to Rodney. "You know you're the best man to figure out how to get the most power out of the two remaining ZPMs."

"Of course I am," Rodney cockily agreed and to John's surprise, he didn't offer up a reason that he should still go with him.

Cocking his head to the side at Rodney's easy acquiescence, John announced, "Ok, then. Let's put my new super powers to the test." It would have been way more impressive if he could have walked to the gate controls on his own instead of having to lean on Ronon's strength. But he had to just be glad he could detangle himself from Ronon and could remain standing if he leaned against the control panel. That at least was progress. But it wasn't like Ronon wasn't still hovering by his side.

"Major?" Sheppard called and Lorne joined him at the controls. "I'm going to need some assistance making it through the gate when she opens."

"Maybe you should stay…" Lorne began to protest but John cut him off.

"If I'm not wrong, this is a game of follow the leader. They will have made numerous jumps to cover their tracks, so I need to go along and access the other gates' last address dialed." Grimly, Lorne nodded his head in acceptance, but his expression told McKay and Ronon he didn't like the situation of dragging a vulnerable Sheppard into a fire fight any more than they did.

"Here goes hopefully something," John undertoned as he reached his hand out, a hand that trembled but that just couldn't be helped. Then he closed his eyes, remembered how he had accessed the chair way back in Antarctic before he even knew he had some special gene, what a stargate was or that visiting other galaxies wasn't just happening in the movies.

"It's working!" McKay exclaimed, leaning over the panel, he typed down the address keys into his notepad as they lit up. Then the stargate had all the chevrons activated and started to flash open. He looked to John and their eyes met. John's risk had paid off and Rodney was both glad and terrified.

"Ok, move out!" John ordered and immediately Major Lorne and team one entered the gate. Then the second team was gearing up to follow. One of those marines came to John, helped him lean against him and they started their trek to the stargate.

Rodney and Ronon trailed behind them, Ronon's expression thunderous and Rodney's anxious. John and his marine were the last ones through the stargate. Then Rodney made his move, ran for the gate and entered the stargate before it was shut down. Ronon was left at the edge of the 'gate, his hand still reaching out trying to snag Rodney but the scientist could be a quick bugger when his life was on the line…or the life of his best friend.

"Oh great. Sheppard will not be happy about that and probably blame me," Ronon grumbled but he was also grateful for what Rodney had done, felt a stab of relief that one of their team was with Sheppard. Only it sucked that it wasn't him. Giving a nod to the marines standing guard over the 'gate, he left to talk with Weir. They needed to make Atlantis as safe as it could be under the circumstances.

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TBC

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Thanks for everyone who took the time to give me a wonderful review of encouragement! It keeps me writing and posting!

Have a great day!

Cheryl W