Right Through Me

Chapter 21: Closure

The pair stood in the deserted designated smoking area and balcony of the top floor. Carlisle leaned over the railing, his lit cigarette already half out, quietly appreciating the fresh view of the lovely Amsterdam wharf more than a hundred meters below them.

He was…at peace. Finally. It had been too long since he felt this untethered. His mind always had something tucked in––anger, regret, frustration––and now, it was like he'd finally been set free.

His companion next to him was in the opposite position, with her back leaning against the banister, facing the plain grey wall of the building.

"Did you mean it, Carlisle?"

He kept his easygoing smile as he inhaled the fresh air. He took another drag from his cigarette before responding. "Mean what?"

"What you said a week ago, before I hopped on that plane." She paused, shaking her head a few times. "I bet you didn't."

"You'll have to be a bit more specific."

"You said you were sorry," Esme finally sighed, turning around to face him. "That…this was your doing. You made me this way."

Carlisle nodded slowly, recalling the conversation. "Why? Does the thought of that bother you?"

"Do you really believe I'd have a shot if I never met you?" she asked exasperatedly, her eyes darting towards the floor. "I just really, really want to know."

"Oh, Esme," he sighed, tucking the cigarette between his lips as he faced her, putting a hand on each of her exposed shoulders. "Does it really fucking matter now? You lost."

"I did it all for you," she whispered. She even brazenly reached up to put a hand on his jaw. "I never ever stopped loving you."

He reached up to take her hand to return it back on her side. "None of what I say to that matters."

"Then why even ask to talk to me?"

Carlisle's lips hardened into a firm line. He flicked his dead cigarette towards the bin before speaking again. "This is the last time you're ever going to see me. We have no reason left to cross paths anymore. I just wanted grant you the one fair thing you want but never received from me."

His hands wandered down to hers again, lifting them until they were against his lips.

"I love you," he murmured against her fingers, closing his eyes. "You're the first woman I ever loved truly and authentically, more than myself. You've had my heart for six long years. You made me realize I was capable of giving more than I get. And you were the catalyst for me believing an impossible dream was possible––to have someone for the rest of my life, and to have a family. And so, if you would have me…please grant me the privilege of making you my wife."

He opened his eyes, and Esme shivered at the coldness within his electric blue orbs. He dropped her hands so suddenly that they fell limply on her sides.

"Those were the words I'd planned to say that night," he said. "The same night I found out about everything."

Esme closed her eyes then, her lips quivering. "Carlisle…"

"Don't pretend, Esme, I know you wouldn't have said yes if I'd done it." Despite his icy words, he managed to maintain a smile. "Because no matter how much you try to deny it, what you have for me, even now, isn't love. You only want me so desperately because you lost me. If I'd given in even once, it would've only been a matter of time before you fucked me over again."

Esme's gaze darted towards the floor. "You must hate me."

"Yes." Carlisle chuckled. "But only because of the things you'd done when you came back into my life. Because you didn't involve just me, but the people I care about the most. Nonetheless, what you'd done to me back then, with Hudgens and God-knows-who-else, was already forgiven long ago. No matter how much it hurt to get here, you helped me become the type of person I am today. And I'm proud of who I've become."

He placed his hands on her shoulders again.

"I hope that's enough," he sighed, smiling wistfully. "For the closure you seek."

Esme smiled back for the first time. Genuinely. "You know me, Carlisle. Nothing's ever going to be enough."

"I didn't expect any less," Carlisle agreed, deciding to grant her one last thing, and pulled her in for a final hug.

Edward had gotten her text two days later.

He almost didn't want to come. After all, he'd made a final promise to step aside. But after what she'd done for him and the company a couple of days ago, he supposed he was in no position to deny her anything. Even if it was a personal meeting.

Just the two of them. Late at night.

He rolled up his sleeves and took a deep breath he stepped inside the hole-in-the-wall bar she'd mentioned. It was a relatively slow night, although the entire dimly-lit place smelled distinctly of cannabis. Amsterdam.

It wasn't difficult to find her, because she was the best dressed woman in the room. She wore a dark green double-strapped dress under a thick jacket, her brown hair flowing gracefully over her shoulders. She already had a beer in hand.

This night was going to be difficult for his self-control.

"Hey," he greeted, sitting in the booth across from her.

"Glad to know you're still up this late," Bella noted, taking a sip of her drink. She gestured towards the other drink on the table that she'd ordered ahead for him.

"Just us?" he clarified after finishing the drink. Just in case. As casually as he could.

Bella nodded slowly, taking a hit from her vape pen. "You did make me promise to call you, right? If ever I wanted to be in a situation like this again?"

Edward chuckled then, remembering. "So, what, you're planning to get wasted tonight? To celebrate, perhaps?"

"Maybe," she shrugged. She then perked up as soon as the music turned into a vaguely familiar 2000s R & B song. "Oh, I love this one. Come on."

Edward didn't even get the chance to react before the woman dragged him out of his seat by the arm, pulling him to an empty dance floor.

She was too close. The shot he'd just taken didn't affect his judgment yet, thankfully, so he was able to keep his hands in the correct, proper places as Bella danced gracefully and smoothly, looking like she had no care in the world.

His chest tightened when her slightly buzzed eyes met his and she smiled widely––contentedly––at him. God, this truly was…difficult.

He remembered the single other time they were alone in a dance floor together, just like this. Back at that anniversary ball. The night that started everything. Where he first saw her in a new light, and made him realize that Isabella Swan wasn't just a pretty thing; she was magnificent. And she was the first woman who ever truly stole his heart.

He closed his eyes as his hands on her hips instinctively pulled her closer to him, his mind lost in the sweet memory.

When the song transitioned to a slower tune, he felt her fingers trace the line of his jaw just as the movement of her hips slowed. He refused to open his eyes, because he just wanted to pretend, even just for a second longer, that this was okay.

"Edward," she called to him, and he had to wake up.

Her smile was sweet. Thankful. He watched as her eyes wandered to every inch of his face, and for the first time in God-knows-how-long, he felt self-conscious. Not in a shallow, insecure way, but with the fear that she could read his mind just with the lines on his face. The way he knew how.

When her gaze landed on his lips, his heart broke. Because it meant it was time to pull away.

"When did you change your mind?" she asked, although her expression didn't betray any sign of hurt or surprise.

"On the plane ride here," he admitted, smiling weakly as he let his hands drift to her upper arms instead.

She surprised him once more by smiling widely. "So that's why you switched seats."

"I thought it'd be obvious," he said, scratching the back of his head. "Sorry, I was never good at talking about––this kind of stuff."

"You did a pretty good job before," she shrugged. "Back at Rook's, I mean."

They ceased their intimate dancing eventually, to both Edward's chagrin and relief. He followed her to the bar counter, taking a seat next to her while she ordered a several more shots and a couple of beers.

They'd downed two for each of them before they were able to ease back into an easy conversation.

"What are your plans after this, then?" Bella asked.

"What do you mean?"

"MCB won," she stated matter-of-factly. "You have your baby back to yourselves. Is it just back to business-as-usual then?"

"Well, there's no other way around it," Edward shrugged. He pointed towards Bella's vape pen, which she graciously lent to him to take a drag for himself. "At least, we can finally focus on important things for once. The Washington venture. It still needs to get up on its feet. It's what you'll have to focus on as soon as we get home."

He noticed that Bella's smile had gradually disappeared while he spoke, and by the end of his sentence, her gaze had wandered to the ground.

"Is something wrong?"

Bella looked up at him, opening and closing her mouth with obvious hesitation. Eventually, she just went out and said it. "Edward, I'm not coming back."

It may have been just the alcohol, but his brain took several seconds before finally processing her words. "What are you talking about?"

Bella shrugged, laughing nervously. She took another shot instead of speaking again.

"Sweetheart, I––" Edward cleared his throat. "You don't have to push through with your resignation. The issue's dead. No one's against you staying on MCB anymore."

"I'm pushing through anyway," Bella said simply.

"Bella." The cloudy, alcohol-ridden haze in his mind was beginning to clear. "When you say you're not coming back––"

"I meant I'm not coming back to Forks," she finally admitted, not quite looking at him. "Or Seattle. I'm staying…here. In Amsterdam."

Just as she finished talking, the music had transitioned to a loud, alternative rock song. The stereo had been turned off and a band had settled in to play for the small crowd. But Edward didn't hear anything. All he could hear was his own heartbeat slowing down, feeling as if it'd eventually come to a stop.

"That's why you called me here," he finally said, understanding. "To say goodbye."

She nodded solemnly.

He clenched his jaw, looking down at his feet. "Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you only saying goodbye to me? And not––" For some reason, he couldn't bring himself to say his name. "Please tell me you're going to see him."

Bella pursed her lips to moisten them, her eyes fixed on the band playing in the far end of the room. "I don't know."

"Bella." He stood up then, turning the woman in her seat to force her to face him. His eyes were pleading. "You have––I don't––You can't not tell him."

Bella's eyes twitched as she stared back at him. "I can't."

"Why the hell not?" He practically had to shout over the loud music.

"Because I don't want to change my mind!" Bella cried.

Edward swallowed then, his hands still fixed at the side of her arms. He didn't know how long it took before Bella gave in and looked away, looking as if she was about to cry again.

"Because I know I will, if I see him again," she continued, shutting her eyes. "Because I…"

"You love him." Of course.

Bella's smile was dark and perverse. "Too little, too late."

Edward released her, taking a step back to sink back into his stool. "Why are you staying?"

She took another drink, looking up at the ceiling as she absorbed the alcohol. "To make amends with my father." She sighed. "He's the only family I have left."

Edward nodded slowly. "Okay. I understand." He paused. "And so would he."

"I know," Bella said, nodding along with him. "I don't want him to."

"Why?"

"Because I know him too well. He'd find a way. He'd…wait, because he promised he would."

Edward stared at her incredulously. "And?"

"I don't want to be unfair anymore," she sighed. "You were right about me, you know. You've always seen right through me. I can't––I love him…But I'm just not––I'm broken, Edward. I know you see that, too. I have a lot to figure out and I just…I need to start out clean."

He buried his face in his hands but said nothing else.

"He deserves better than this," she said sadly. "He deserves that future he'd always dreamed of. I just hoped and wished it was going to be me, I really did, but I don't want to lie to myself anymore. Or to him."

They were silent for what could've been several minutes or several hours. Edward drank and kept his eyes on the ground as the live music blasted around them.

If I go on with you by my side

Can it be the way it was when we met?

Did you forget all about those golden nights?

"I love this song," Edward whispered to himself.

Bella heard it, though. "Never heard of it."

"The Killers," he said monotonously, leaning on the bar counter and taking another sip of his beer. "You're missing out."

Bella nodded slowly. "I'll give them a listen."

My heart is true

Girl, it's just you I'm thinking of

Can it be the way it was?

"Just to clarify," he said, turning slightly to face his companion. "The sole reason you asked me to meet you was because you're sure I wouldn't be able to change your mind?"

"Not just that," she said. "I felt like I needed to explain myself to you."

"Again. Why me?"

"You were the one who brought me into your world," she said, a little quietly this time that Edward struggled to hear her. "You accepted me into MCB. I have so much to be grateful to you for. It was you who helped me realize my worth from the very beginning. And despite all the shit we've had to go through, I wouldn't have been able to regain this connection with my father if you'd never given me a chance that day. I'm just…so sorry for disappointing you. It's all I've ever been doing to you."

"Why would you disappoint me?"

She shot him a small smile. "Your angel in the night let you down."

Edward sighed. "I suppose." He paused. "And that's all?"

Bella swallowed, tapping a fingernail against the wooden counter. "Yes. That's all."

"So you didn't want to kiss me back there, when we were dancing?"

And there it was. It was his favorite thing, even until now, to watch the blood rush into her pale cheeks, knowing that it was he who had caused it.

Edward had already decided not to push or embarrass her any further, but Bella responded eventually. "You changed your mind."

He didn't face her, but asked, "And if I didn't?"

"Edward…" She took a deep breath. "Do I really have to say it?"

That was familiar. It was just how he confessed his feelings to her, back at Sagecliffe. He shut his eyes then, already feeling his chest tightening again.

"You'll always be that nagging question at the back of my mind," she admitted. "If we had more time…If things were different. And I just thought––given the premise that you hadn't changed your mind––I wanted to pretend, selfishly, at least for one night before you go back and forget me, that there was nothing in the way. To feel what it would've been like, to have made the correct, logical choice."

It took Edward an entire minute to finally make a decision. "Would you still be interested to find out?"

Bella turned to face him then, her brown eyes filled with uncertainty and curiosity. Edward called for the bartender and motioned for the check.

Just one last night, before it was all over. Let him go to hell. He had nothing to lose.

Amsterdam was truly a city that never slept. Even past midnight, the cobblestone streets were lit up brightly and crowds remained active in several establishments in the area.

Edward kept Bella's hand tightly in his while they navigated the city. Their first stop was a popular sandwich shop; all that drinking at the bar had made them both a little bit famished. While the line reached outside the shop, the herring sandwich was worth it in the end.

She laughed endlessly when Edward fell back in line to buy another.

The internet's next and most popular suggestion for Amsterdam tourists was to explore the Red Light District. Bella giggled when they ended up in a couple of dead ends, but eventually, Edward was able to lead them to the street lit with bright, red lights, overlooking the canal.

It was Bella who dragged him into the first sex shop they found. They made a game out of the different equipment and outfits, critiquing them as if they were art or fashion pieces.

"You think I'd look good in this?" Bella asked, holding up a hanger with a purple lingerie.

He shook his head. "Violet makes your skin look pasty."

"Brutal as always," she laughed, throwing her head back.

Edward took it upon himself to pick another one for her, holding up a lacy, emerald green piece against her body. "Yup," he said as casually as he could. "That's…That's the color for you."

They eventually couldn't help themselves, what, with all the booze and the laughter and the sex toys and the promise that none of what they did that night mattered anyway. It was all going to be a dream come morning.

Soon, the couple found themselves in a deserted, dark alleyway, with Bella giggling while she was pressed up against the wall, her legs wrapped around Edward's hips.

He made out with her deeply and lazily, pretending like he'd done this with her a thousand times before. His hands skipped the proper areas this time and shamelessly fondled her breasts, satisfied when her snickering morphed into gasps and moans against his ear.

She gasped even louder when he pulled up the dress that had been teasing him all night, especially after the realization that she'd dolled herself up for him. In the hopes of having one last adventure together, even though it was all for pretend.

Edward relished the sound of his name from her lips when he finally entered her. Relished in the way her fingernails dug into his back, his shoulders, his arm while he fucked her senseless and shamelessly in the street––He wanted to memorize this. Record it, even. Because he knew it would be the last time.

It felt too easy to pretend that they were crazy in love; the line felt blurred and almost nonexistent to him. How could there be a distinction? She looked at him so softly that it hurt.

"Edward," she whispered breathlessly, "you're gonna make me––"

He took her mouth in his again, and felt the exact moment that she reached her ecstasy when her whole body shook against him. It was enough to make him reach his own––

He pulled his face away slightly to look her just as he did, letting himself go deep inside her. He studied her beautiful, small, perfect face as she gazed at him with so much tenderness that he couldn't possibly be alone in this. It couldn't just be him desperately wishing morning never came.

But it did.

They found themselves, a couple of hours later, walking silently together a couple of blocks away from the hotel. At the very least, Bella's hand still intertwined with his.

She skidded to a stop when they were a few steps away from the front doors.

"This is me," Bella said, smiling sweetly up at him again. "I'm…staying at my dad's place. I'm calling a chauffeur from here."

He let her hand go then, already missing it.

"I…" Bella looked like she had so much to say, but in the end, she decided to go with, "Thank you, Edward. For everything."

He couldn't help but try. "I really can't change your mind?"

Bella stepped forward then, until she was inches away from his face. "How did it feel like for you tonight?"

"Perfect," he replied, deciding to be honest.

"Happy?"

Edward nodded once.

"Then I'm glad," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Because that's what it's supposed to feel like. Edward, you may have only felt this––with me––for the first time, but I'm certainly not going to be the last."

He couldn't help but guffaw at that. "Really? That's where you're going with this?"

"It's only so good because you've never felt it before," she said adamantly, slowly pulling her arms back down.

Edward shook his head at that. "Oh, sweet Bella Swan. Don't be so sure I'll get over you."

"With a face and a heart like that, I am sure," she said. "And when it happens, I hope you hear me say I told you so over and over in your head."

He decided to grant her some peace of mind by nodding.

Before she was able to fully walk away, however, he called out for her again. "Bella."

She turned back around, a gentle smile still playing on her lips.

"The night's not over yet," he said, taking a few steps forward to meet her again. "We can pretend to do one more thing. To really make it perfect."

She let him hold the sides of her face with both hands and tilt her to look up at him slightly. He waited.

Bella smiled sadly when she understood. "I love you, Edward," she said, her voice cracking.

"And I love you," he whispered back, pressing a final chaste kiss on her lips.

A/N: One last chapter to go, and it's the longest one yet. Home stretch. Getting emotional, honestly. As always, thank you for reading!