"It just isn't right!" Wade complains loudly.
"I don't know what you're crying about, you've got your face back." Nick Fury responds casually walking onto the deck of a new Helicarrier.
"Yeah, but this..." Deadpool rips off his mask to reveal his fully healed and rugged good looks. His hair is still long from when he was a girl. "The Nicepool look is not what I wanted." he says. "At least not anymore."
"And what did you want?" Nick Fury asks, "A world in shambles?" He doesn't give Wade time to answer. "Because If you haven't noticed, things are still shit storming out there."
"That's not what I meant and you know it." Deadpool protests.
"Where's Maria?" Nick Fury asks authoritatively at the first deck member he sees.
"He's on his way, sir."
Nick Fury raises an eyebrow curiously.
"She's on her way... sir." The cadet corrects himself. "I'm still not used to the changes, sir."
"That's fine." Nick Fury says dismissively. "I need you to provide me with an update on the source of this new switch. We're specifically looking for any signs that the stones or whatever caused this are still on Earth."
"Last reading shows the eastern coast, sir." another voice answers.
"Do you think it could be the Avengers compound?" the first cadet asks.
"I'm not ruling that out." Nick Fury answers.
"Sir, we're getting another reading." A young woman interjects.
"Ignore that!" Deadpool snaps pointing at her. "Right now we have bigger fish to fry." She looks at him, confused. "We need to track the asshole who did this to my face!" He points at his beautifully chiseled chin.
"I... I don't understand." The woman responds.
"Wade, why the hell are you here?" Nick Fury asks in frustration.
"Trying to find the monsters who ruined my Life!"
"That's, very clearly, not why you're here." Nick Fury counters, trying to be patient.
Deadpool looks down and starts shyly twisting his mask between both hands. He sways a bit before looking away. "I was kind of hoping you could...offr..."
"What's that?" Nick Fury asks loudly.
"I was hoping to take you up on that... *cough* job offer."
"Job offer?" Nick Fury asks, "What job offer?"
"Sister Margaret's School for Wayward Girls. Said you stopped by, told everyone you needed me." Wade exaggerates, "I assume you wanted someone new to lead the Avengers, train the new guys, add some charisma, and hopefully pillow fight with Steve and the boys. Is the Hulk a cuddler? I feel like he's a snuggler. Oh, I bet he's a cuddler!"
"That's not why I was looking for you." Nick Fury snaps back.
"It's not?" Deadpool looks a little disappointed.
Nick Fury looks him up and down, and despite his better judgment decides to be honest. "We were hoping to inquire on the whereabouts of your old strike force."
"Team X?" Wade asks somewhat taken aback. "I haven't kept in touch with them since the fallout."
Nick Fury raises a questioning eyebrow. "Fallout?"
"Well, John died. There's that." Wade looks down sadly. "Duke, well he just let himself go... James, Victor, and I got into this HUGE fight. That didn't end well either. And, the last time I saw Stryker, he was walking off into the sunset. I was lucky I didn't lose my head. It took me hours to find it..." Fury takes a moment to think about the updates, "That is... assuming any of that stuff is still canon." Wade adds.
After mentally processing the information Nick Fury responds, "It's a shame about John, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll try reaching out to Duke."
"The Blob?" Wade asks in disbelief. "What about me... and the rest of us?"
"Stryker is out of the question. Logan shot me down in the nicest way he knows how. As for you and his brother..." Nick Fury looks away momentarily spotting Maria Hill as she walks in. He waves for her to approach. "Let's just say, you and Victor do not have a reputation that compliments the work we do."
"You're comparing me to Victor?" Wade replies in disbelief. "He's a psychotic serial killer who hates people. I can hardly compare. I think he even eats babies. As a matter of fact, he definitely eats babies. Just ask Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton, they just found her innocent."
"You burned down an orphanage, Wade!" Fury retorts. "Ran over its head master, and shot one of its counselors directly in the face, live... on television!"
"They were evil!" Wade tries to defend his actions. "And the Jared clone was definitely a diddler!"
"Sorry I'm late, Commander Fury." Maria Hill says as she approaches. "I was speaking with the Wakandan leaders and they have several concerns of their own."
"How urgent are we talking?" Fury asks.
"We're still not sure, but they're on high natural disaster alert." She responds.
"Natural disaster?" Fury wonders aloud. "Could it have something to do with the most recent swap?"
"We're not sure yet, but if not, the timing couldn't be any more coincidental." She says.
"Uhm..." Wade interrupts. "I'm sorry, but we were kind of in the middle of a job interview here."
Maria turns toward Wade and looks him up and down. She then turns back toward Nick Fury. "Talos was also trying to call you. He says it's absolutely urgent."
"Alright, I'll contact him within the hour. In the meantime, I need someone to keep reaching out to Stark and Dr. Strange, see if anyone knows what is going on..."
"Oooh, missing heroes. How foreboding." Wade interrupts again.
Maria Hill looks over her shoulder and does her best not to roll her eyes. "Why is he here, Sir?"
"Mr. Wilson seems to think we want to offer him a job." Nick Fury responds.
"In that outfit?" Maria asks. "Is that a girl's suit?"
"Hey, I didn't have time to get it tailored!" Wade protests. "And what about you?" He points at her face. "You didn't think we wouldn't notice that extra bold lipstick..." Maria Hill's eyes flutter away briefly. "Is that a hint of blush?" he asks.
Deadpool now looks at you, the audience. "By the way, since you can't see it, she's wearing slightly more makeup than usual. Her hair is also freshly cut. I'm not gonna lie, she looks absolutely adorable! I think her girly hormones are kicking back in, due to the swap. Anyway, back to the story."
"Don't you have warrants for breaking out of prison?" She asks Deadpool sassily.
"Bruce Banner has warrants for property damage, he's still an Avenger." He protests.
"Dr. Banner didn't maim and splatter people across a busy highway!" Nick Fury loudly interrupts. "Also on live TV, I might add."
"Oh come on," Wade throws his hands in the air frustrated, "You've gotta give me something to work with." He paces back and forth a couple of times. "Deadpool 10,005 gets to work with Hugh Jackman!"
"The Australian guy from Oklahoma?" Mariah Hill asks while Nick Fury turns away with frustration.
"He also played Gaston in the Melbourne Beauty and the Beast Musical." Wade adds.
"Alright, enough!" Nick Fury snaps. "The bottom line is, you're a hired killer who is reckless, irresponsible, immature, and has an inconsistent disregard for human life. The Avengers are about saving lives, not taking them. Even if you could handle those expectations, which I highly doubt, your morbid history forbids you from any hero association."
Deadpool throws his arms down while huffing loudly. "You know what!" He points at Fury. "I liked you a lot better when you were David Hasselhoff! He would have let me join the men in tights!"
"Maria, if he makes one more stupid comic book, movie, or cartoon character reference, I want you to taze his scrotum until there's nothing left."
Deadpool looks at Maria who smirks to imply she would enjoy this. He turns back toward Fury. "Well, can you at least sing Black Snake Moan while she does it?"
"You can see yourself out, Mr. Wilson." Nick Fury turns away.
"Alright, fine! Maybe I'm not Avenger material, but..." *painful grunt* " but why do you guys deserve all the fun?" Deadpool winces and starts thumping his chest. "Some of us want to... want to do good by the world too, and..." He leans forward. "Oh, this heartburn is killing me!"
"Are you okay?" Maria Hill asks.
"No!" He responds, "and you... Ms. Hill! It is Ms. Hill, isn't it?" He doesn't wait for her answer. "You think you can walk around, all sexy. Flaunting you feminine wiles, inconsiderate of what everyone else wants... Aaaahh," he takes a deep breath, trying hard to breathe, "Oh, sweet beautiful Thor... no more chimichangas!" Wade Wilson collapses hard on the floor and starts to writhe in pain.
"Should we be worried?" Hill asks, kneeling down to check. "Isn't he immortal or something."
Nick Fury turns to look back and just shrugs with uncertainty. "Mr. Wilson, if you're having a panic attack, I'd strongly advise you to do it somewhere else."
"Not.. panic attack." Wade manages to grumble.
"Is he?" Maria Hill says in sudden shocked awe.
After a few seconds the pain subsides and Deadpool looks up, noticing a look of shocked wonder on Nick Fury's, Maria's, and several other faces. "Mirror..." Wade asks, throwing out a hand. "Mirror!"
One of the other cadets nearby rushes forward with a pocket mirror, handing it over.
Wade's mouth drops open in shock at the unexpected sight. She reaches up to caress her clearly female and very beautiful face. "Sweet nipple biting Betty White, how can this be?"
"What is going on?" Maria Hill asks no one in particular.
"Are the rest of us gonna change back again?" The nearest cadet asks, worried.
"Is there another energy spike, right now?" Nick Fury demands to know as he turns toward the monitors.
"Nothing, sir." The person responds. "This seems like an isolated incident."
"This is amazing!" Deadpool declares as she stands up, still looking at her reflection. "I was really worried that my scars were coming back." She chuckles.
"If nobody else is changing, then it must be something you did." Fury tells Wade.
"None of this makes any sense!" Maria Hill says, shaking her head with frustration as she steps away.
"In the interest of avoiding further confusion, can you think of what might have caused this, so we can avoid it?" Fury asks.
"I have no idea." Wade responds, "My guesses are lazy writing from a writer who wanted me to remain female or..." Deadpool looks at you and says, "foreshadowing." *wink*
"Mr. Wilson," Fury says concerningly, "in the interest of health concerns, I am going to have to ask you to seclude yourself from..."
"Sir, we have some intense activity!" Someone shouts out.
Nick Fury and Maria Hill look away to view the monitors.
"Talk to me." Fury says.
"There was a huge surge of energy in the Indian Ocean." The nearest person says. "We're getting reports of a deep sea earthquake and a possible tsunami."
"That's the area where Shuri was talking about." Maria Hill adds.
"How much time have we got?" Fury asks.
"Waters could hit the Maldives, Sri Lanka, and Singapore within the hour." The person taps the control panel a few times. "Sir, this is big. This is really big!"
"Get General Ross on the line, and Wakanda, anyone from the United Nations you can reach." Fury orders.
"Sir, we're getting a redirected call from SABER." another cadet interrupts. "It's Talos."
Nick Fury looks toward Maria Hill and can sense the same level of worry.
"I don't think it's a coincidence, sir." Maria says. "He might know what's going on."
"Something tells me he does." Fury replies. "Put him through."
The main display lights up with the image of Talos in his natural form. "Nick!" He starts speaking before being addressed. "Thank the gods I reached you. You need to get off that planet. You need to get off the planet, now!"
"You know you're in for a good time when an alien wants to get you off." Deadpool says.
Nick Fury and Maria Hill turn back to give Wade angry glares.
Across the galaxy, once more, at the prison known as the Kiln *
Chaos still erupts everywhere. It hasn't been that long since the second swap, but the unexpected nature of it was more than enough distraction to start a domino of riots, mutinies, and breakouts. As per procedure, any and all ships and escape pods were jettisoned simultaneously, leaving no opportunities for escapees.
Several areas were already under control, primarily by leaders chosen by intellect and strength. Stray too far from any of these groups and you were confronted by lawless wanderers who liked to pick off the lost and weak. Prey to hungry animals. It was the furthest place you could be from safe in the galaxy.
Yet, somewhere along the edge of the prison, in an area you would not expect, the most powerful and influential man in the prison sat, enjoying a piece of fruit, imported from his favorite planet. A monitor played over the visitor windows of the ensuing battle between perimeter security and anyone bold enough to attempt aiding would be escapees.
"Father," Ebony Maw calls as he approaches Thanos, "we have just gotten word, Nova Prime plans to send their fleet to Midgar."
"So, it was them, who managed to gather the stones so quickly?" Thanos asks no one in particular. "Your ingenuity and resourcefulness never seems to amaze me, Stark." He assumes the recent snap was Tony's doing.
"Now would not be the best time to try and get them back?" Maw asks. "The ensuing chaos could provide an opportune moment."
"Chaos breeds chaos, my child." Thanos replies. "I lost once, due to impatience. Let them tire each other out and waste their resources. We will have our moment."
"Yes father." Ebony Maw answers.
A thin pale skinned female alien in a black hood comes rushing in. "They've just issued orders for a planetary defense shield, Father!"
Ebony Maw looks at Corvus Glaive somewhat startled. "What could require such resources? Are they expecting us to make a move?"
"Only an immediate planetary threat would warrant such actions." Thanos answers. "They must be trying to protect the stones. At least until they can find them."
"No Father, it's the opposite." Glaive replies. "It's to protect the fleet."
This time Thanos looks confused. "Protect the fleet? From what?"
"They're calling it the emergence, Father." She answers.
Thanos' mouth slightly opens as he pales a shade.
"What is it Father?" Ebony Maw asks.
"The emergence will kill anything on that planet," Thanos says, "and with the shield up, nothing will be able to escape."
"What is the emergence?" Corvus Glaive asks.
Thanos looks up and sees the look of confusion on his children.
"Summon my ship, and mobilize the fleet, Chitari and Outriders. We're leaving." Thanos orders. "Make plans to intersect on the outskirts of Midgar's solar system. Prepare for both indirect and direct conflict."
"Yes Father." Glaive answers before rushing away.
Thanos turns away and looks at the turmoil displayed on the screen. He frowns, displaying a hint of anger.
"What is it Father?" Ebony Maw asks.
Thanos takes a deep breath before answering. "They plan to kill everyone on that planet." He says.
Ebony Maw does not seem fazed by this revelation. He just turns to watch the ensuing conflict happening outside the prison. He presses his finger tips against each other, thinking for a moment. "And they call you mad, Father." He says, in a comforting tone.