I think the issue with my spirituality at this time is that I am not being constantly reminded about it. Every day at the temple, there were spiritual traditions all around us. There were sculptures and murals and nuns and monks, different forms of meditation, different areas of spiritual enlightenment.
Iroh believes this is in part because a lot of the Fire Nation has moved away from spirituality. Sure, a lot of towns and villages still have local spirits that they pray to. But, as a whole, the Fire Nation has moved to view the Firelord as a heroic and exalted figure. Iroh even tells me grave news.
"It doesn't help that the spiritual figure of the Fire Nation, the dragons, have been killed off."
This takes me back a moment. In my silence, Iroh looks away, holding on to his cup of tea. "What happened?" I ask, sensing Iroh walling himself off from me.
"You have to understand, Zia, that I was being groomed to be the Firelord before Ozai. I did many things that I would look back on and later regret. Killing the last of the dragons was one of those things. That is how I earned the title 'Dragon of the West'."
We sit in silence for a long time. I don't have anything to say, honestly, because there is a gap in my heart where complete reverence for Iroh once sat. However, as he continues to speak, the gap grows lesser.
"However, it was during my travels as a young man that I discovered there must be balance in everything. I sought out enlightenment, in a way. I watched and learned from other benders, seeing their different techniques and styles. It is how I created lightning redirection. By watching."
"Do you think my issue is that I do not have balance?"
"Too little or too much flow will cause issues with any stream. Too little, and the stream dies off. Too much, and it will flood. We must learn to walk that area of just right. We have already dealt with your chakras being blocked. It could be that some are outweighing the others, causing your inability to bend."
"There are a couple of culprits, probably." Iroh nods. "We'll start at the bottom, then."
"Please voice any thoughts you may have. I may be able to help," Iroh says. He sets his tea aside and joins me in a meditative pose. Our legs are crossed, our fists closed and pushed together. It takes me a moment to get into the right mindset, all thoughts gone, but it comes back to me slowly, like I will never forget how to do this.
"The first one is the earth chakra. It is blocked by fear, but it also deals with survival, I think." I felt a little burst of energy when clearing it the first time, after realizing that I am not alone. That Iroh is with me, and that the Air Nomads still exist, to an extent, in my memories. "I think, because we have been living off the land, that it is partially blocked by this desire to survive out here, in the wild, with limited food supplies.
"Maybe I am also afraid that you'll be too rash, eat something you're not supposed to again, and we won't be able to get help in time. Or I will misidentify a plant because a lot can change in a hundred years."
"Those are all valid fears," Iroh says. "However, I have confidence in your abilities to identify plants and we are never too far from help. People are kind, we must remember, and their kindness has always been a benefit for us. Remember Song and her mother."
Yes, Iroh is right. Song's kindness helped Iroh in the past, and we even got a few nice meals out of their generosity. I nod.
"The next one deals with guilt."
"Which, last time, you said you felt guilty about Zuko leaving."
"But you reminded me that it was, ultimately, his stubborn choice to find himself. So, maybe I feel guilty over the other Air Nomads. Their death. That I could not be there to help, in whatever small way, to help others flee. Or, maybe I feel guilty that I was able to escape that horrid fate and they were not."
"Either way, you cannot change the past. You may feel guilty over the other Air Nomads, but you should find solace that they believe in reincarnation. That they have already moved on to their next lives, and they do not hold a grudge against you."
Iroh makes a lot of wise points. I imagine him in another life, a guru, guiding others to balance in their lives. I imagine myself as I am now, a student, under the wise tutelage of Iroh. Maybe I do not harbor such guilt, such as I do now.
We work our way up my body, unlocking chakra by chakra. It is a dance, much like it was before. A give and a take, an understanding of how my emotions work within me, how I perceive things.
However, at the end, I am still unable to bend.
I give up. At least for now. I tell Iroh this.
"There could be another issue," he states over tea. We continue to head east, meandering through the mountains. It is midmorning, early spring. The forest is alive with animals, chirping and moving through the brush. There is fog among the mountains. There is a small village below us.
It is a beautiful sight.
"What could that be?" I am leaning against a boulder, holding the cup of tea to warm my hands. I am distraught, though I do not share this with Iroh. If my chakras are no longer blocked, then what is the reason I can't bend air? I try to take in the area around me, the beauty in nature, appreciate all that I have, but my mind is clouded, fogged like the mountains.
"You spent a hundred years in that iceberg with the Avatar."
"Yes. But I woke up after him. I have no idea how Aang survived so long in the ice."
"The Avatar possesses something called the Avatar State. It is claimed to be a combination of all previous incarnations of the Avatar, a combining of their strength and abilities and knowledge. I believe Aang may have entered the Avatar State unknowingly a hundred years ago, trapping the two of you in the ice. He had the spiritual energy from the Avatar State to keep him alive."
"And I did not."
"Correct. The only spiritual energy, or energy in general, that you had to give was your bending. It could be that your chakras are free and clear, but there was this magnificent strain on you while you were in the iceberg. Your bending kept you alive, but at the cost of your bending when you awakened."
I nod, absorbing everything that Iroh is saying. He shares a good point. If Aang used the Avatar State to keep him alive, then what would I have to give to keep me alive? My bending makes sense.
We keep quiet for some time, me lost in thought, Iroh lost in his tea. I am thinking, If, without my bending, what am I? If I gave it up to survive in the ice for so long, then it is likely it will never return.
I remind myself, I am still many things, if not a bender. Bending never took up my whole life. I traveled. I painted. I read people their fortune cards. I am many things.
I am lost in my reverie when a small earthquake happens, pushing Iroh on the ground and causing me to jump up and away from the rock. Iroh is rubbing his back in pain, groaning slightly.
"That really hurt my tailbone," he says. I move over to him, helping him stand. By the time I help him up, there is a girl standing on top of the rock.
She wears all green, and her eyes are hazy, unfocused. Her arms are out in a fighting stance. She looks exhausted.
"Hey," I say, "we don't mean you any harm." My arms are still around Iroh, but he does not think the girl will harm us. I can tell by the way he is holding himself.
The girl loosens a little. Iroh says, "Would you enjoy some tea? We were just about to put another pot on."
"Maybe we should move over to the cliff," I say, gesturing to the rocks that now litter the once comfortable area we were sitting on. "For a better view."
No one says anything, and we situate ourselves looking down at the farming village. While walking, I watch the girl. She moves without looking, without using her eyes. It takes me a moment to realize that she is blind.
"Are you feeling the ground with your bending?" I ask, handing her a piece of jerky as Iroh sets up the tea.
"Yes. I feel vibrations in the earth and use that to see."
"Oh, that's so cool!" I say. "I knew a monk who couldn't speak, but he was the prettiest singer in the whole temple." I remember Tatsong, an old man by the time I met him, who would use the small noise he could make to make songs in the echo chamber in the Western Air Temple. I remember him fondly. He was also an excellent Pai Sho player.
"It is amazing what people can do with bending," Iroh says, passing a cup to me. "Here is your tea. Please be careful, it is very hot. I brewed it myself." Iroh settles down, holding the cup out to her. "You seem a little too young to be traveling alone."
She snaps back, "You seem a little too old."
Iroh laughs, and I hide a grin behind my cup. "Perhaps I am."
"I know what you're thinking. I look like I can't handle being by myself."
"I wasn't thinking that," Iroh says.
"Neither can I. You seem to have a grasp on your surroundings," I say.
"You wouldn't even let me pour my own cup of tea!"
"I poured your tea because I wanted to and for no other reason."
"People see me and think I'm weak. They want to take care of me, but I can take care of myself, by myself."
"Sometimes, people want to take care of the people they enjoy being around," I say, thinking of Zuko and my many mistakes with trying to help and guide him.
"You sound like my nephew, always thinking you need to do things on your own, without anyone's support. Not only is Zia right about people wanting to care for others they like, but there is nothing wrong with letting the people who love you help you. Not that I love you, I just met you."
The girl laughs. "So where is your nephew?"
"I've been tracking him actually."
My head jolts up, making eye contact with Iroh. I try to convey my surprise to him. I want to ask, We've been tracking him?! But I hold it inside me to ask later. I thought we were merely wandering aimlessly east, away from Azula.
"Is he lost?"
Iroh looks away, sadness in his eyes. Does he blame himself for Zuko leaving too? "Yes, a little bit. His life has recently changed, and he's going through very difficult times. He's trying to figure out who he is and he went away."
"So now you're following him."
"I know he doesn't want either of us around right now. But if he needs us, we'll be there."
"Your nephew is very lucky, even if he doesn't know it." She stands up. "Thank you."
"My pleasure. Sharing tea with a fascinating stranger is one of life's true delights."
How many times has Iroh sat, looking for himself, with the company of another? I imagine, when he was searching for enlightenment, how many stories he shared and was given in return.
"No, thank you for what you said. Both of you. It helped me."
"I'm glad!" I say.
She turns to leave, but looks back at us. "Oh, and about your nephew, maybe you should tell him that you need him, too. Both of you."
There is a tightness in my chest at the thought of telling Zuko how I feel. My hand wanders to the dove necklace sitting on my throat, my mind going to Zuko's kiss before he left.
Maybe she's right. Maybe Zuko needs to hear how much he means to me. And Iroh. Iroh too.