"Hi there, do you need something?" Moxxie says even though there is no one around the imp.
As if on cue, a few random guards, thinking in their collective heads that Moxxie is fat when he isn't, start dragging him slowly and march at the same time, the sound of their footsteps sounding like a drum.
"Hey, who you calling fatso, jackwagon! That's MR. Fatso to you!" Moxxie says and a guard quickly says "Surprised you didn't even call for your friends' help." as they continue marching to an undisclosed destination.
"I don't need it! I'm a grown-ass imps who don't no help! I can take out these chuckle-fucks with my own two hands! Now what about you four-eyed fatasses?! Huh?! You all can kiss my ass!" Moxxie shouts, a hint of cockiness in his words although this creates more harm than good as the guards start jabbing Moxxie lightly in the posterior with their spears whenever his long tail moves out of the way.
"Ow, ow, ow! Watch the aim! That's gonna give me a wedgie! Come ON!"
After Moxxie says that, his wife Millie shows up for a split second, prompting one of the girls to say "Gee that girl is sassy. I said it, my balls are just dyin' for her to cheat on you." with utter emphasis and crazed horniness in his voice, "You what? She's the most faithful and loveliest woman ever! She'd never cheat on me, especially with a jackass like you!" Moxxie snaps as the guards ignore him. After a long "instrumental" consisting of the guards' marching footsteps.
After an eternity, the guards stop at the lair of who is none other than the devil himself; Lucifer Morningstar, bumbling and incompetent king of hell. He starts to sing.
Well, Mox, let me tell you I'm so pleased to meet you The staff and I've been expecting to greet you As guest of honor in the hotel of the dead Just relax, lay yourself down, say goodbye to your head Hi-di-hi-di-hi (chorus) Ho-di-ho-di-ho Waddy-waddy-way-di (chorus) Hi-di-hi-di-ho
"Well, isn't this a pleasant suprise. You're the king of hell and you're singing and dancing? Can not BELIEVE the rumors were true." Moxxie says, both matter-of-factly and sarcastically as the devil continues to sing, " If you want to bargain, then produce something real. Deliver me the jellyhead, boy, and you've got a deal."
"Hahaha... very funny. Like I'm gonna just hand over my boss to you like that. It ain't happening, your highness!" Moxxie says defiantly to Lucifer, who starts scatting, completely ignoring and disregarding the fact that Moxxie refuses to hand Millie over to him, with a satanic deep baritone-voiced chorus repeating exactly what he says.
"Look, you'll have better luck getting a date from an angel than with getting my boss. I'm sure it's possible and not completely impossible. Have you tried Tinder?" Moxxie asks in vain as Lucifer and the chorus scat along.
Congratulations, Mox, you really deliver This little gal makes me shake and a-shiver Don't think I've forgotten all the things that I've said Don't worry 'bout your friends, relax, now off with his head.
This is the last straw for Moxxie as he growls out in anger at Lucifer Morningstar despite their difference in height, "Don't you dare lay one finger on any of my friends, you arrogant bastard! You're not getting your grubby hands on any of their heads, and you're definitely not getting your hands on my darling wife's head!"
However, Lucifer just ignores him and continues singing and scatting this absurd song. Even his daughter, Charlie Morningstar, wouldn't be happy about the way her father has been acting lately. All of this angers Moxxie quite significantly and his eyes start glowing like lightbulbs in the dark. He grabs Lucifer by the the collar and shouts "I said keep my friends out of this! They don't deserve to be punished for my actions! So you better get off your fat ass and stop singing that nonsense before I rip you apart from limb to limb! Do I make myself clear, you pompous tyrant?!"
Lucifer, unfazed, sings "Be nice to me, Mox, or you'll regret it. You are my hostage and don't you forget it The night is early and there's lots to be done. Let's boogie now, come on, we're gonna have some fun."
"Oh, for hell's sake... you are so exhausting. Fine, I'll play along. Got anything else in your repertoire?" Moxxie grumbles, rolling his yellow eyes. However, this comes in vain again, as Lucifer then puts Moxxie on a slingshot, pulls, and flings, causing the short imp to do a series of screams and harsh squeals as he flies back into the I.M.P office. The part of the office where the imp crashed in was where Loona is, who is resting on her chair, lazier than ever, with her feet sticking up in the air, too lazy to talk for the moment as she plays with her phone. Blitzo transates her laziness for Moxxie, saying "What my hellhound daughter meant to say is that she called Lucifer Morningstar, the devil, to send his guards to pick you up because in a few days, the exorcist bastards are going to tear one of his fucking limbs off so he wants one last song."
Moxxie picks himself up, groaning and moaning in pain from hitting the roof and from having just being thrown like a football. "Ugh... why didn't you tell me?" he says, looking around before noticing Loona with her feet in the air, "Ugh... Loona, are your feet always up that high? I mean, I get being a hellhound and all, but wow."
He then turns his attention to Blitzo, saying "Wait, he wants a song? A song? What kind of song..?"
"Given that he watched "The Bidden Zone", he thought he should sing a song from this fucking absurd musical before he possibly dies." the I.M.P boss says before Moxxie facepalms himself out of pure second-hand embarrassment and disbelief, "Seriously? He wants to sing a song from "The Bidden Zone" of all musicals? I thought that mess was long dead!"
"Listen. In a few days, Lucifer is going to smack the Radio Demon in the head, that cyclops girl is going to rip off some gay fucker's groin, a seraphim nigger is going to be fubared, Lilith, his wife, is going to show up for Satan knows what, and Lucifer is going to get amputated, probably costing him his life. It ain't over till it's over, Ok?" Blitzo says, somehow predicting the leaked events of the second season of Hazbin Hotel, which takes place in the same universe and therefore, the characters are able to meet each other in the eye.
Moxxie just stares at Blitzo blankly, slowly processing his words and trying to make sense of them before answering, "... So, let me get this straight; Lucifer's being hunted down by a few exorcists who intend to tear him apart, and instead of focusing on preparing for their arrival, he's using his time to sing a song to you from a dead musical? That's just great. Really freakin' great. I thought he was supposed to be all-powerful... what a moron."
"Indeed! Satan, king of the imps, is far more sexier and competent than this twat!" Blitzo says in agreement.
Moxxie rolls his eyes and smirks in disbelief and annoyance, "Ugh, tell me about it. I mean, what kind of self-respecting ruler of hell has a voice like that, and sings like that? It's a complete joke! He's supposed to be feared and respected, but he's acting like a damn circus clown!" he says.
Blitzo, listening to his least respected employee for once, says "Right! He sounds like a young man who bitches because his father is stuck forever and wants to destroy everything until it's over!"
Moxxie snorts and raises an eyebrow, saying "Yeah, seriously. It's like he's having a damn mid-life crisis, only it's a lot louder and more annoying. Maybe he should focus on ruling his kingdom with more dignity instead of throwing temper tantrums and singing ridiculous songs that should've stayed dead and buried decades ago."
"And I present to you, the teen who he sounds like, Farian! From the Mangled TV show!" Blitzo says, showing Moxxie a picture of the teen in question, "I bet you if his immortal daughter Charlie Morningstar was killed, all hell would break loose and he'd kill everyone in heaven!"
Moxxie shudders slightly at the picture, before grimacing in disgust, "Ugh… that's even more disturbing than hearing Lucifer's singing. Why does he look like a damn emo kid who hasn't even begun puberty yet? It's honestly ridiculous that such a whiny, pathetic-looking kid can cause so much trouble. And heaven forbid something happens to Charlie. He'd throw an absolute fit and probably start whining like a toddler. Pathetic."
Blitzo says "Yes! That character I show you is Farian! Shitty brat who threatened the kingdom of Covid because he couldn't free his father from the crystalized cum!", referring to the final episodes of the first season, his words suggesting that he only watched the show because of the characters' horse called Minimus.
Moxxie, in response, shakes his head in disbelief and bewilderment, "That's just ridiculous. Why would anyone even take that kid seriously? Sounds like some lousy rip-off of some old children's cartoon. I mean, seriously? Freeing his father from the crystalized-" Moxxie laughs before he can finish the expletive, continuing with "... I'm sorry, did you say… 'crystallized cum'? What did you say his name is again?"
"Farian." Blitzo simply replies.
With that, Moxxie snorts and covers his mouth with his hands, trying to hide his amused laughter, "Haha… seriously? 'Farian'? That's the best they could come up with? I mean, really? Who the hell names a kid like that? It's like wannabe edgy and stupid at the same time. It's almost like they wanted him to be seen as some kind of joke. And his 'crystallized cum' father? What kind of nonsense is that? I swear, it's just too much..."
THE END