"Hi there, do you need something?" Moxxie says in front of Loona, who is lazily lying on her chair, on her phone, with her feet pointing up at the ceiling. "Shut the fuck up, jelly-belly. Your wife, the Jellyhead, sucks ass too." she replies, using a nickname Blitzø sometimes calls Millie on their offscreen adventures.
"Loona, I'm TRYING to work here!" Moxxie says, quickly getting angry at the apathetic hellhound, who replies with "Who cares."
"I CARE! And STOP CALLING MY WIFE THAT!" Moxxie shouts angrily.
"Whoppers schmoppers. You are the fattest ass-monkey, fatass." Loona says, unfazed. This is the umpteenth time the hellhound has shamed the imp in their life.
"Oh, shut your mouth, Loona! You're so unbelievably rude! I don't know why Blitzø hasn't fired you yet!" Moxxie yells, earning an unfazed sounding "Because he loves me, dance chub." from Loona as she is lazily sitting on her chair, not moving a single muscle.
Under his breath, Moxxie mutters "Yeah, he loves you a little too much if you ask me..."
"Don't take ol' hellhound bitch too seriously. Th' reason why she calls you fat is because your pelvis is a bit wider than ol' Blitz's. And since she is the least active out of the four of us, she's the hypocrite." Millie, esteemed wife of Moxxie, says, whispering the last part of her sentence.
"You got that right! The way she calls me "Fatass" with that smug expression on her face... She thinks she's so superior since she's taller than me." Moxxie whispers back to Millie, who says "It's a hellhound thing. Towrin' over the imps."
"If she were smaller, I'd punch her in the snout." Moxxie says and Millie replies with "But Mox, you've always hated violence."
"I know, I just... Sometimes she annoys me to the point where I WANT to punch her." Moxxie replies.
Millie, in the mood for gossip, whispers "Ah remember one time where you ticked her off so bad that she just huff'n'puffed. Her stomach filled the entire office before Blitz put a scream muffler on her muzzle so the office didn't explode from the holler. Fucking hypocrite bitch if y'ask me."
"Oh yeah, that." Moxxie laughs, before clearing his throat and turning serious again, in a lower voice, "I can't believe Blitzø just let it slide like that. I mean, I was just minding my own business and that brat just had to come over and insult me!"
Millie, keeping her voice quiet, says "She's furry.". "Very astute observation, sweetheart." Moxxie replies, deadpan.
However, this catches the attention of Loona, whose ears straighten up, snaps out of her laziness, makes a fist, and pounds her desk so hard that it causes the seemingly unshakeable appliance to fall over.
"What the FUCK did you two just call me?!"
Moxxie sarcastically replies with "Nothing, sweetie." and then whispers to Millie, "Wow, she's pretty sensitive about the Furry thing, isn't she?"
Loona breathes hoarsely, saying "Fatty" angrily, before opening her jaws wide, exposing her teeth and begins to inhale enormously, so much so, that it causes her white belly to inflate like a giant balloon.
"Is-Is that even biologically possible? I mean, she's a hellhound so I wouldn't be surprised if she had a more sensitive stomach, but- Damn, girl!" Moxxie panicks and Blitzø runs in and puts a muffler into Loona's nuzzle and she screams "die" into it, her stomach deflating and providing Moxxie and Millie breathing room again as the hellhound shakes from the intensity of the scream.
"Blitzø! Thank goodness you're here, Loona inflated again!" Moxxie says as he points at Loona, who is still silently screaming into the muffler, "I swear, if you hadn't stopped her, she would've turned into a literal balloon!"
However, Blitzø seems cross. "Yeah. She does that because you two don't stop snapping her out of her laziness!" he says accusingly to both Moxxie and Millie.
"Well, maybe if she didn't spend all her time on that damn phone or napping at her desk, she'd have less opportunities to eat!" Moxxie retorts.
"She calls you fat but she moves the least muscle. Thin for someone who's so lazy. Ah bet if it persists, we'd grovel under her fat belly caused by lack of exercise." Millie says to Moxxie, pointing out Loona's thin waistline.
Moxxie looks at Loona, who is sitting in her chair again without moving a muscle, in disgust and annoyance, "Honestly, someone as lazy as her with such a lean figure just isn't fair. I work out and eat healthy, yet here she is, lounging around all day and still looking slim. Lucky..."
"It's the shape of your pelvis that makes her think that. Stop fallin' for her weight loss ads, or you'll be shriveled up to a twig." Millie says, pointing out the most likely reason why the hellhound keeps fat shaming him.
"I guess you're right. It's just so hard to ignore the damn ads when Loona keeps rubbing it in my face. I mean, she constantly leaves those weight loss flyers all around the office just to mess with me!" Moxxie sighs, defeated.
"Maybe you should start bombardin' her with exercise flyers. Chub-B-Won't." Millie suggests and a small smirk appears on Moxxie's face.
"You know what? That's actually not a bad idea. Maybe if she sees those flyers around the office, she'll finally get up off her furry behind and actually do something productive for once. It's not like it could hurt to try." he says.
Loona, hearing that loud and clear, storms out of the office to head outside to take a deep breath of the outside air, and in a moment, a loud "FUCK YOU" from outside causes the picture of Blitzø and Barbie Wire mounted on the wall to almost fall off. "There she goes, throwing another tantrum and storming off... Why did Blitzø have to hire her anyway? She's nothing but a pain in the ass." Moxxie sighs with a shake of his head.
"He couldn't keep his eyes off her 4 years ago in the orphnage." Millie says, using information learned from Blitzø.
"Typical Blitzø. Only thinking with his hormones instead of his brain." Moxxie sighs, rolling his eyes, "Her parents should'a called her "Balloona"." Millie gossips.
Moxxie snickers a little, trying not to laugh at the alternate birthname of the receptionist, "Yeah, that's a good one. Maybe they should have, considering how often she ends up like a balloon inflated with gas whenever she gets mad."
"Bitch told us that she puked because she ate too much at Queen Bee'lzebub's club months ago. Her problem if she wants to burst like a fuckin' balloon." Millie recalls.
"Oh, please. As if she actually puked because she ate too much. More likely she binged on snacks, drank too much, and decided to blame it on the "fancy foods" to cover her lazy ass." Moxxie says, rolling his eyes again.
"Why should she call you fat over your pelvis shape when she can get bigger than a damn hippo from eatin' or breathin' too much? Irony." Millie says, pointing out the hypocrisy of the hellhound.
"Exactly! She's the last person who should be making fun of my figure given her gluttonous habits. If she keeps up that lifestyle of lounging around all day and snacking non-stop, she'll eventually transform into a massive ball of blubber." Moxxie says, aware that Queen Bee is the Sin of Gluttony.
"Wouldn't surprise me if she wanted to actually burst like a fucking balloon. Too ironic if y'ask me." Millie says. She is lucky Loona is not here, or if she had one thing to like about them, she'd love them in her belly.
"Ha! Can you imagine that? The look on her face would be priceless. All that arrogance and sassiness, only to end up being a big floating blob of fat." Moxxie snorts with laughter.
"And pow! Blood n' guts all over the place! No more live hellhound. Blitzø'd be bawlin' if his favorite adopted daughter exploded." Millie says, her black sassiness and southern drawl going strong on this one.
"Oh my crumbs, that's hilarious! Blitzø would be inconsolable! All those years of babying and indulging Loona's lazy habits, only for her to explode into a gory mess. And the tears, oh my!" Moxxie laughs, insensitively.
"Ah may be thought of as the nice one, but ah'm more for the laughs n' brains. We'd be doomed if she squealed n' giggled if a friend of hers tickled her fat belly after a feast. Too bad we don't get to see because we don't intercept her and find out what her life's like outside of I.M.P." Millie says, aware of how others view her as the cutest I.M.P member, as well as the cutest imp of Hell.
"Yeah, seeing that would definitely be a sight to behold. Can you imagine her squealing and giggling like a little girl while her belly is prodded and poked by some friend? I don't know whether to find it amusing or disturbing. As for her life outside of I.M.P, well, I bet it's just more of the same - lounging around, napping, and eating nonstop." Moxxie says.
"Too bad me or you can't tickle her stuffed belly after her feast at Queen Bee's or our hand'd come off. Ah'd have to be drunk to do that safely after a helluva adventure." Millie says.
"Yeah, no thanks. The thought of touching her bloated stomach after a feast at Bee'lzebub's club is not a pleasant one. I don't want to risk losing a hand, or worse, being vomited on by the inflated hellhound. Plus, I don't think even alcohol could make that experience tolerable, drunk or not." Moxxie says, shuddering.
"Did ah ask you to touch it. No. Only me. She actually seems to tolrate me the most out of the rest of us." Millie says.
"Wait, really? Loona actually tolerates you the most? I find that hard to believe, considering how rude and condescending she always is to us." Moxxie says, with Millie saying "Probably cause ah'm a girl."
"Ah, that makes sense I guess. Loona does seem to have a particular hatred for men, especially shorter ones like me. Maybe she feels more comfortable around other females, like you." Moxxie assumes.
"She's loud n' proud about it. Her laziness, her habits, her phone." Millie says.
"Yeah, you can say that again. She's like a living embodiment of sloth and gluttony. Always lounging around, glued to her phone and stuffing her face with whatever junk food she can grub from our break room. She probably spends more time on that phone than actually doing work." Moxxie says.
"That rings a cowbell. Sloth n' gluttony. Belphegor is the Sin of Sloth and Queen Bee is the Sin of Gluttony. Ha!" Millie says.
"Oh my crumbs, you're right! Now that you mention it, there do seem to be similarities between Loona and those two Sins. I mean, she embodies the very essence of laziness and excessive eating just like them. Though if we're being honest, she might even surpass them in their respective vices." Moxxie says.
"Ah think the reason why she's always stealin' your avocado salads, callin' you fat, and binging on meat is because she wants her stomach to go pop." Millie speculates.
"Wait a minute... You think she's consciously trying to overload her stomach with food to the point where it explodes like a balloon?" Moxxie says, shaking his head incredulously, "No, it can't be. Surely she's not that insane. Right?"
"Ah'm tellin' you. She's crazy. Suicidal hypocrite." Millie says.
Moxxie, leaning back on Loona's chair, says "Damn...if what you're saying is true, it would explain a lot about her excessive eating and lazy habits. But to actually want to burst her own stomach just to make a point? That takes being crazy to a whole new level."
"Doesn't mean ah am afraid of it. Here's what ah can do."
Millie pretends there is a toy, and squeals with her eyes large and starry and presses the side of her face with great exaggeration and then stops. "That's why they call me Jellyhead." Millie says, and Moxxie replies with a beamed quote of excitement at his wife's little ability.
"Ah probably could puff and explode like a bomb if I could because of all the sass, but ah wouldn't do that, or you'd be heartbroken at my suicide attack." Millie says.
"Oh no no no no no no. Please don't even joke about that. The thought of you... blowing up like a balloon and... well, exploding... is just too much. I wouldn't be heartbroken, I'd be traumatized. And not to be cheesy, but the thought of losing you is honestly terrifying. So please, for my sake, no self-destructive acts or anything like that, alright?" Moxxie says in horror, shaking his head seriously.
"Don't worry. Ah won't let mah excitement fill me up that much." Millie says.
"Okay, good. I'm glad to hear that. Just promise me you won't do anything reckless or dangerous that might, uhm, inflate you to bursting. I care too much about you, y'know?" Moxxie sighs with relief.
"Blitz's cuttin her too much slack. The biggest punishment he ever gives Loona is to have sex with her. He's fucked our asses before when we screw up rather than killing us." Millie says, noting their boss' imcompetence.
Moxxie winces a little, responding with "Yeah...you could say he plays favorites with her. It's one of the many things about him that pisses me off. He lets her get away with so much bullshit, while the rest of us have to face his wrath when we mess up. It makes me wonder what his priorities really are sometimes."
"Right, whenever I am supposed to be your wife, not ol' Blitz's. He'd even fuck the van if he's frustrated with it." Millie says.
"Oh my crumbs, don't put that image in my head! I do NOT need the mental image of Blitzø... well... you get the picture. And you're right, you're MY wife, not his. He can't have you all to himself. Not without going through me first." Moxxie laughs, caught off guard by the absurd hypothesis.
Millie says "The reason why we don't have kids is because they're right. Your pee-pee is abnormally small and can't pump enough semen in average."
Moxxie blushes furiously, embarrassed at Millie's comment but still trying to play it off, "Wh-What?! H-Hey, now! My...uh... equipment is perfectly normal, thank you very much! Just because it's smaller than you'd expect doesn't mean it's ineffective. I can get the job done when it counts!"
Millie, thinking it would be funny to imitate Loona, positions her hair so the front forms a tuft that covers her left eye, similar to Loona's hairstyle, licks Moxxie like a dog, pretending he was Loona's friend, Because she is pretending she ate at Queen Bee's, she pulls Moxxie's hand a few inches away from her belly, using the space to pretend it was large from all that binging, laughing and squealing Moxxie pretends to rub "Loona's" belly, finding it "ticklish". She leans forward and giggles cutely, pretending to feeling content and happy. Still pretending to be Loona, pretends Moxxie is hugging her belly, causing her to do a pitch perfect squeal and giggle and pretends to give Moxxie a big hug back. After the impression, Millie adjusts her hair back to where it was before. "Convincing imitation, right." she says.
"Oh, you're too much! That was some seriously impressive acting! You had me convinced that was actually Loona for a second there. The way you imitated her voice, her mannerisms, even the damn belly rub and giggle. Impressive and a little bit scary, if I'm being honest." Moxxie says, thoroughly entertained.
"Ah thought pigs squealed, not hellhounds." Millie adds.
"You're absolutely right! And now that you mention it, Loona does resemble a pig in so many ways. The laziness, the constant gorging on food, the whining and complaining. She's basically a four-legged, lazy pig in disguise as a hellhound." Moxxie snorts in amusement, shaking his head.
"Why should she be callin' you fat and having such a big problem with the shape of your pelvis when ah'm sure she has binged on all the dessert at Queen Bee's? Hypocrisy at its finest." Millie says.
"Couldn't agree more. Loona's hypocrisy knows no bounds. She's constantly criticizing others, especially me, yet she's a gluttonous hog herself. And let's be real, she's probably downed her weight in junk food more times than any of us combined. But noooo, she's the picture of perfection in her own mind, and has the audacity to call me "fat." Pfft!" Moxxie scoffs, rolling his eyes.
"She's needle thin for someone so inactive. Ah bet that if it keeps happening, all the fat from her inactivity will cause her to look pregnant! Ha!" Millie says.
"Oh boy, that's a sight I'd pay to see. Loona, the couch potato hellhound, finally succumbing to her own laziness and gaining enough weight to make herself look pregnant. The irony is almost poetic." Moxxie chuckles.
"And the chair would crack under all those 200 pounds of abdominal fluff. Snap!" Millie exclaims.
"I can just picture it now. Loona finally getting off her lazy ass and settling herself down in a chair, only for the chair to creak and protest under her weight. And then CRACK! the chair breaks and collapses under the sheer force of her 200 pounds of abdominal flab. It's a hilarious image, and also a little bit poetic justice for all the times she's insulted my physique." Moxxie LOLs.
"She hasn't been there in a while. Probably hangin' out somewhere and ordering a buff - Oh shit, ah think ah hear her. I can even hear Blitz roastin' her for eatin' all that shit. I just heard a hiccup, or that could be her burp, since hellhounds burp differently from us." Millie says.
"Oh crumbs, you're right. I can hear them too. Sounds like Loona and Blitzø are arguing about something, most likely her eating habits or her laziness. And... is that a burp? That definitely sounds like a hellhound burp to me." Moxxie says, a mixture of curiosity and concern evident.
"Or Blitz could just be hic- Oh fuck us in the ass, have mercy on me."
To Millie's horror, Loona bumps the wall with her belly, which is 3 times its normal size from an all-you-can-eat buffet, causing her to look pregnant.
"What the fuck are you looking at, fatass?"
Both M&M freeze, staring in a mixture of shock and amusement at Loona's massively bloated belly, "Oh...my...crumbs. Loona looks like she's about to pop!" Moxxie says under his breath, trying not to laugh, "Damn. I knew she was a glutton, but I didn't expect her to look pregnant from stuffing herself."
With that, Millie makes a run for it as the 6'4 foot tall hellhound corners Moxxie and then bumps the 3'5 foot tall imp with her belly, sending him falling to the floor. Moxxie hits the floor with a loud thud and winces in pain, "Oof! Ouch. That damn belly hit me like a truck! I think I'm gonna have a bruise there for days. And now I'm stuck under this gigantic, inflated hellhound belly. Just great."
Despite being Moxxie's height, Millie punches Loona's belly, causing her to reel, "Mess with Moxxie and you get the fanny!"
Moxxie snickers a little, watching it happen, "Nice shot, honey! You really showed her who's boss. That belly punch must've hurt like hell for Loona."
Loona winces, caressing her belly in front of Moxxie, "Prepare to be owned, jelly belly." she hisses.
Moxxie rolls his eyes, still feeling annoyed from the previous insults, says "Oh no, she's resorting to calling me "jelly belly" now. How original. Just because my stomach sticks out a little, and I may enjoy a good meal, doesn't mean I'm fat or anything. I'm just...well-fed. And I have plenty of muscle too, you know."
"It's the shape of your pelvis. Tell that to her." Millie whispers.
Moxxie sighs, knowing he's in for it and says "Okay...fine. Loona, I've got something to say. My pelvis may be, uh...a little different in shape, but that doesn't mean I can't kick your ass in a fight. And just because my stomach isn't perfectly flat doesn't mean I'm a fatass. I've got plenty of muscle too, y'know. I might not look like some bodybuilder, but I'm strong when I need to be."
"Looks like I've lost to you, pelvis." Loona says, deadpan.
"That's right, Loona. I've got a unique pelvis and maybe a bit of a belly, but I've still got skills and strength to back it up. Don't underestimate me just because I don't have a perfect physique." Moxxie says smugly for once as Blitzø forces Loona to go to her bedroom.
"Looks like Blitzø finally got her under control for now. But I bet she'll be up and devouring the entire pantry again real soon." said Moxxie.
"That shit'll digest in two weeks. Don't feed her because she won't be hungry for a long time unless you want to get bumped into next Thursday, okay?" Blitzø says.
"Got it. No more food for her for a while, or she'll become even more of a gluttonous monster. I definitely don't want to be bumped around by that massive belly of hers again. Once was enough." Moxxie agrees.
"And she won't be allowed to leave the HQ so she doesn't go to Queen Bee's or any other restaurant. I'd be devastated if she burst like a motherfucking balloon. And please, for the love of Satan, block her on Sinstagram so she won't shame the slightly wide pelvis of yours, alright? She'll probably be sending selfies of her foodbaby to her best friends." Blitzø pleads, using the puppy dog eyes for the last parts of his quote.
"Yeah, that's probably for the best. Blocking her on Sinstagram should help keep her from shaming my, um, slightly wide pelvis. And I definitely don't want to see any foodbaby selfies from her either." Moxxie says, wincing at the thought of more insults.
With that, Millie goes on her Sinstagram and tries to block Loona until she gets distracted by her latest selfie, captioned with "How I feel after Thanksgiving🐡 🎈 " , which already has 10K views and bursts out laughing. She reads the hashtags, writing #Balloona, #Dontmesswithme, #Selfie, #Foodbaby, and #Flippingthebird. However, she stops laughing upon seeing #Fuckmoxxie and blocks her account so she or Moxxie won't be threatened by her.
"That'll show her." Millie says.
Moxxie looks over at Millie's phone and grimaces when he sees the selfie and hashtags, especially the one insulting him. "Dammit, she just can't help herself, can she? Always rubbing her gluttony in our faces and shaming me for my damn wide pelvis. But good job blocking her, honey. That oughta shut her up for a while." he says.
Millie, acknowledging that, shouts "AND YOU BETTER REMOVE THAT HASHTAG OR AH WILL PERSONALLY HACK YOUR ACCOUNT. GOT IT, FAT BITCH?!" through the door, "Of course she'll ignore us, but she might be workin' on removin' that bad ol' hashtag."
Moxxie smirks, enjoying Millie's protective and fiery persona. "Damn right, honey! You tell her! She better remove that hashtag or she'll have some serious trouble on her hands. And oh, she'll definitely ignore us, but I bet she's already seething on the inside." he says.
Millie, continuing to stand up to Loona, angrily shouts "GUESS WHAT, FATTY?! YOU DON'T DESERVE THE STINKIN OL' SINSTAGRAM! YOUR BREATH SUCKS, ALWAYS SMELLIN' LIKE MEAT, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHIN' NICE TO SAY TO MOXXIE, AND AH HOPE YOUR HAPPY IF YOUR OVERSTUFFED BELLY BURSTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKIN' BALLOON. LEAVE. MOXXIE. THE. FUCK. ALONE, OL' FAT BITCH!"
The most it earns is a "whatever" from Loona, "She doesn't give a shit about my fat-shamin'. She's proud of it and is probably pretendin' to be pregnant, rubbin, bouncin', jigglin', flauntin' and slappin' her belly." Millie says to Moxxie.
Moxxie snickers a little, imagining Loona proudly flaunting her bloated belly and pretending to be pregnant, "Heh, can't say I'm surprised. She probably thinks she's some kind of goddess or queen of gluttony with that massive belly of hers. And I bet she's loving every minute of it, relishing in her own excess and not caring what anyone else thinks. But don't worry honey, she may be happy and carefree about her gluttony now, but one of these days, she's gonna get her comeuppance. And it's gonna be glorious."
"And since we don't know how many friends this apathetic hellhound bitch actually has, ah bet she'd squeak and giggle if her hunky ol' boyfriend Vortex, tickled her full belly after that feast from earlier." Millie says.
Moxxie laughs, picturing Loona squeaking and giggling like a schoolgirl as Vortex tickles her bloated belly, "Oh, I can totally see it now. She's probably just begging for some attention and affection from her precious boyfriend, and he's just giving her exactly what she wants, tickling her big belly like it's a damn balloon."
With that, Millie does a very loud display, pretending to be Loona as if she was getting rubbed by Vortex, shouting and moaning with mock ecstasy.
Moxxie is stunned, watching Millie's exaggerated performance as Loona and says "Woah...um...that was quite something, honey. I don't know whether to be creeped out or impressed by how accurately you just imitated Loona's obnoxious behavior. And the way she was begging Vortex to give her belly some love...I think I just lost my appetite."
"Utter hypocrisy of her. Ah feel sorry for you, Mox." Millie says.
"It's alright, honey. Honestly, I'm used to Loona insulting and belittling me every chance she gets. But lately, it's been getting to me more than usual. Maybe it's because I've been feeling a little insecure about my own figure lately, and her comments just make it worse. It's hard not to let her words get to me sometimes." he sighs, shrugging his shoulders.
THE END