Not Too Late

1897

Jarrod smiled. "Hello, Mother."

Victoria's eyes were barely open. She had been sleeping a lot, eating very little, and everyone knew what was happening. In her 70s now, she'd been sick with a cancer that made it difficult for her to breathe, and she had been ready for several days to let go. Nick, Heath, and Audra knew she would not let go until Jarrod got here from San Francisco, but the railroad had been hit with a landslide and Jarrod was required to travel by a longer route than was normal. It seemed to him and his siblings that it took forever, but Victoria, fading in and out, was not aware of the time passing. She just looked up now to see her oldest beside her, feeling him holding her hand, and she managed a smile of her own. "Jarrod – "

"I'm sorry it took so long to get here," Jarrod said. "The railroad track is damaged and we had to reroute."

"Jarrod – " she just whispered again.

Jarrod felt his chest tightening up, his throat clogging, his eyes burning and flooding up. He lifted his mother's hand and kissed it. "I'm here now," he said.

She didn't have much strength left, but her hand closed on his. "I want to tell you something," she said slowly. She lost her breath. She swallowed.

"I'm right here," Jarrod said. "Take it easy. I'm listening."

"Are you?" she asked.

He was surprised to hear her say that. Her tone made it sound like she didn't believe him. "Yes, yes, I am. What do you want to tell me?"

"You have no children," Victoria said. "You should have had children."

Her feeling on the subject didn't surprise Jarrod. He closed his eyes. He hadn't had children because he hadn't remarried after his wife was killed. He knew, without her ever talking about it, that his mother wanted him marry again, but now that he was 54 years old himself, he had given up on the idea of children, even if he did find someone he wanted to marry.

Victoria squeezed his hand again. "You didn't remarry. I know you never felt the love again – that you felt for Beth – but Jarrod – please – don't give up. Don't avoid it."

"Oh, Mother, I'm not avoiding it," Jarrod said. "It just hasn't happened."

"You haven't – opened your heart again – either," Victoria said. "Jarrod – darling – don't give up."

"I'm 54 years old, Mother."

"Men your age marry and have children. Don't avoid it, Jarrod. Please – "

Jarrod kissed her hand again. "I don't want you worrying about that. I'm not avoiding it. There's – someone in San Francisco I'm seeing."

Her face actually brightened up. Her eyes twinkled.

"It's brand new, Mother, so I haven't mentioned it," Jarrod said. "But don't worry for me. I'll be all right, and I won't avoid a wife and family if it's coming for me. Don't worry about that."

Victoria smiled. "Were it not for you and your brothers and sister – I would have thought I hadn't led a full life, despite having your father and all the adventures I might have had along the way. But I have. More than anything, I want that for you. It's not impossible."

Jarrod chuckled a little. "No, Mother, it's not impossible. It's very possible. Don't worry for me. Just rest, and know I'm here now, and I love you."

Victoria closed her eyes. "Stay."

"As long as you want me to," Jarrod said.

XXXXXX

It was only two mornings later that they found Victoria had passed in her sleep. She had a smile on her face when they found her, and even though the tears were free and flowing, her children knew she had lived a full and beautiful life, and this was as gentle a way she could have gone.

Nick and Heath were in their late 40s, had married and had children ranging from 4 to 13 years old. Audra in her 30s had married and had a son. Eugene, on his way from Baltimore, had married and had children the rest of the family only knew from a distance, but they were all on their way now.

"It's too bad it took Mother's passing to bring us all together in one place again," Heath said as Silas – still going strong even if more slowly – brought coffee into the living room.

Audra was right behind him with another tray, while Nick was saying, "Silas, please sit down and quit fussing."

Silas put his tray on the coffee table and said, "It's what I do, Mr. Nick."

Audra said quietly to Silas, "Yes, and we're so grateful you do, but for now, just sit with us and have coffee."

Silas looked around awkwardly.

Jarrod got up from his thinking chair and said, "Sit down here, Silas. We know this is hard on you too. Just rest a bit. You can get back to the kitchen later."

Silas sat down. Nick handed him a cup of coffee and gave him a slight smile as he did. Silas took the coffee, somewhat shyly, then took a sip before breaking the silence with, "She was one of a kind, your mama. It just ain't gonna be the same around here anymore."

One of Heath's sons came tearing through the front door and off to the kitchen, chased by the other son. Heath's wife Sarah got up to go after them.

Nick's wife Nancy said. "Decorum isn't something they've learned yet."

"It's all right," Jarrod said. "I think Mother would be pleased if she could see them just being boys."

All of the other children were outside, being watched over by Audra's husband, Carl Wheeler. Victoria's coffin was in the study, alone for the moment, but Jarrod wandered off in that direction. Everyone else watched him go.

"This is hitting him the hardest," Nancy said.

"He hasn't been here much the past few years, staying in San Francisco all the time," Nick said. "I think he regrets that now."

Heath said, "When I first came here, he seemed like your mother's protector – almost like a partner. Almost – because Mother was not a woman who needed a lot of protection."

"That's for sure," Nick said. "But she did need a level head around, and that was Jarrod, not me."

"We all needed a level head, and that's been Jarrod, even while he's lived in San Francisco," Audra said. "But Mother worried about him. She wanted him here more, but over the years, he just seemed to drift away."

"Him and Eugene," Nick said. "They favor each other. They wanted different ways of living than I did, or than you did, Heath."

"Yeah," Heath agreed. "But Jarrod's been with Mother almost every minute since he got back here. I think he's wishing he'd been here all along."

"And sorry he couldn't be," Audra said. "Mother understood. I hope she got to tell him so."

"Why is it, when someone dies, we start to think of so many things we should have said or done, and didn't?" Nancy pondered.

"Because our chances are gone," Audra said.

Jarrod was thinking the same thing as he entered the study and closed the door behind him. He stopped there for a moment before approaching his mother's coffin, set on a table in front of the empty fireplace. Every time before when he entered this room, he was flooded with memories about things that had happened here, but right now all he could think of was Victoria – and the biggest way he had let her down.

The last coffin that had rested here was Beth's, so many years ago. He remembered sitting here with it, he remembered sitting here after they had buried her. He sat down on the sofa, exactly where he had sat with Beth – and he pulled her cameo locket out of his vest pocket.

Even after all these years, he still had it. He didn't always carry it, but since coming back here, since that last real talk with Victoria where she had urged him to marry again and have children, he kept it close. He wasn't even sure why. Maybe because of what Victoria said. Maybe because a family and a home and children were the last things Jarrod had talked to Beth about before she was shot dead in front of him.

Maybe it was because the last thing he'd said to his mother was a lie. There was no one in San Francisco he was becoming involved with. He said it only to ease her mind. Did she believe him, or did she die knowing he had lied to her? Or was it because what she said was right – he should marry and have children, now?

Why hadn't it happened before now? It could have. There had been several women who showed interest in him. Why had he never allowed it to happen again? It would be easy to say he just got too busy with his career and business, but that wasn't it. It would be easy to say he was still devoted to Beth, but that wasn't it either. He'd scarcely had time to know her and love her. The longing for Beth and only Beth had eased off long ago. Maybe it was more like he was afraid any woman he became involved with would be killed too. Maybe.

He was well into his 30s when he met and married Beth, and he knew at the time that was because he had been searching for the perfect woman to fall in love with and it took him that long to find her. Maybe he was still doing it, but not finding her.

Maybe all of those reasons jumbled together were the big reason that he hadn't married again.

"Maybe you're right, Mother," he said out loud with a sigh. "Maybe I ought to give up the idea that the perfect woman exists for me, and just marry someone sweet and kind and let her have my children."

Maybe he couldn't love her as he had loved Beth, but maybe he could find someone he loved enough. Maybe it wasn't too late.