Chapter 5

Anger Management Issues

"Azarath metrion zinthos, Azarath metrion zinthos, Azarath metrion zinthos" Raven said softly as she meditated. It was much easier to meditate in the TARDIS because there were less distractions. There was usually only one other person on board and anything beyond the TARDIS exterior shell was blind to her. In here she could be at peace, in here she could let her mind be free.

As she meditated she was so deep in her trance that she didn't notice that instead of her chimes she was humming a tune, a tune she didn't even know. She only noticed she was doing this when the humming became words she spoke aloud in place of her chimes "Zagreus sits inside your head, Zagreus lives among the dead, Zagreus sees you in your bed, and eats you when you're sleeping. Zagreus at the end of Days, Zagreus lies all other ways, Zagreus comes when..."

Ravens eyes opened. She had no idea where that rhyme had come from. It wasn't the Doctor, he wasn't even in the TARDIS. She sighed deeply. Maybe the TARDIS was messing with her again. She had really begun to hate this machine now.

Ravens rejections of the Doctors kindness seemed to have had an affect on the way the TARDIS responded to her. By refusing to eat the meals the Doctor cooked for her the TARDIS seemed to stop providing food from those freaky cupboards in the kitchen. When she talked bad about the Doctor the TARDIS sent her around in circles and eventually to the bathroom where taps were running in the sink. She got the gist, "Clean up your act." Great, she thought, I'm getting bossed around by a big box of bolts now.

But suddenly the machines behaviour seemed to alter and it began to become favourable to her again. She found out why when she went to the console room to change more books and she overheard the Doctor talking to himself.

"Yes, I know she's taking up space. You never did like any of my travelling companions." Was he talking to the console? The console bleeped. "Yeah, that's right sulk. I know she's not exactly tidy, nor respectful. She's no Susan, Vicki, Polly or Victoria. She's a teenager going through a stressful period in her life, even more so because of her mix biology." The machine seemed to groan from the sky and make more organic like noises somewhere. "Don't give me that, I know what you've been doing." the Doctor said sternly to the console and it bleeped back at him. "I know she doesn't like me, I don't think she likes anyone, honestly." He's got that right, Raven thought. "But she is our guest and she feels safe in here. She's not getting in the way nor is she threatening us. Well sure, she's as blunt as a PVC pipe and as grumpy as a Sontaran, but I've been treated worse and survived. I don't need defending from her. She's harmless, she just wants to be left alone for now."

Raven leaned up against the nearby wall and contemplated. The Doctor was trying to be helpful towards her, despite her harsh words telling him to go away and he still acted like a gentleman and a perfect host. How was he able to stay so calm and collected in the face of her aggression? If people talked to her the way she spoke to the Doctor, she'd get enraged and would've thrown him off the TARDIS, if their roles were reversed. Yet the Doctor didn't bat an eye. He didn't see a demon who was going to destroy the world, he saw a scared teenage girl who's only way of protecting herself was to lash out and push everyone away. Okay, she admitted it, she has a bad attitude but that's only because she's a monster and everyone needs to be protected from her. She was used to everyone reacting badly to her so it was alien for anyone to be nice to her. She knew she was bad, she knew she was nasty; she didn't want to be, but she couldn't become anything else.

Later that night the Doctor had prepared dinner in the kitchen, showing off his skills flipping pan cakes. He was in his shirt sleeves and had a silly, floppy chefs hat on. It looked like he was making her pan cakes this time. Raven peered through the door trying to drum up courage. She wouldn't admit it to herself but she was anxious about going in there with the Doctor. Every fibre of her being told her to just go back to the safety of her room and her books. In the end she had to force herself.

She opened the door catching the Doctor by surprise and she quickly strolled to the table and sat down trying to think of anything other than the anxiety in her stomach.

"Hungry?" the Doctor asked. Raven didn't respond, she just sat ridged in her chair, this was not easy for her. "Yes" she said simply.

"Tonight we're having pancakes and waffles." the Doctor said, flipping another pan cake.

"Aren't they the same thing?" Raven said, but the Doctor disagreed.

"Technically no, pancakes are cooked in a different way. Waffles have a little more fat to give them their crispy texture. It's all down to how..." and the Doctor rattled off some explanation of the difference in the way the two are cooked, even using scientific names to describe it. Raven hadn't a hope in hell in understanding any of it, nor did she care.

When the dishes were served, one pancake, one waffle each -she could tell they probably weren't supposed to be served together- one with syrup and one with a slice of butter. The pair sat at the dinner table eating. The Doctor had put a napkin into the neck of his shirt. Raven didn't bother with her napkin and left it by her plate. He was over doing a simple meal.

Raven took one bite from the waffles and her taste-buds lit up. The taste, the texture, the temperature. There was something about waffles she liked. The pan-cake tasted flat and dull by comparison.

The two sat in total silence as they ate. It was the most awkward meal she'd ever had. The Doctor didn't even try to engage her in conversation and she guessed it was because she usually didn't want to engage in a conversation at all.

But then what would they talk about? What did they have in common? The Doctor knew a lot more about her than she did him. All she knew of him was that he was a Time Lord from Gallifrey who had 'regenerated' 7 out of the 12 times maximum, who travelled the universe in a trans-dimensional Time Ship that was stuck in the shape of a Police Box because it was a hunk of junk. That much she was aware of, but his likes, his dislikes, his character, that was a mystery to her.

"I ran away from my people too." the Doctor said as if reading her mind.

"Ran away?" Raven asked not sure where to take this statement.

"I stole the TARDIS and ran away from my people, my old life. I've been running ever since." the Doctor said.

"Why?" Raven asked.

"Because the universe is such a wide, complicated and interesting place." he said "There are millions of planets to explore, aeons of time and countless civilisations to meet."

"Why explore? Why go outside?" Raven asked like a moody teenager.

"Because it's fun" the Doctor said simply "because travel broadens the mind, and there is always evil that needs fighting."

"Is THAT what I am?" Raven asked a hint of anger creeping into her voice "Another tool to fight evil with?"

"Well, of course not, Raven" the Doctor said opening his hands palm up to show he had nothing to hide "You're just my guest. You can leave whenever you choose to."

"Oh yeah?" Raven stood up and looked like she was getting angry. She thought she had pegged the conspiracy of the Doctor, why he didn't mind her being here with him. He wanted to use her for his own quests, his own needs. Like she was a puppet of some sort and he was figuring out how to yank at her strings. It's the only explanation which made sense to her. "You mean it doesn't bother you that keeping me on board makes you a target for Trigon?!"

"I've been on the Black Guardians hit list for years. Sutekh the Destroyer, the Terrible Zodin, Gozer the Gozarian. Being on the hit list of one more powerful God or demi-God doesn't bother me." the Doctor was just so calm and collected it irritated her, almost as if it de-legitimised her and her fears of Trigon. Did the Doctor look at her like she was an immature child who worries too much?

"How can you be so cool with it?" Raven said with a suspicious tone "Aren't you angry I'm putting you in danger? Your ship in danger?" She wanted the Doctor to get angry with her, it's what she expected from everyone and it was really scaring her how the Doctor didn't regard her with suspicion, fear or hate. She wasn't aware a dark aura had formed around her, dark tentacles of energy flowing out and around her. Still the Doctor didn't look threatened.

She picked up the plate with her unfinished meal on it and threw it against the wall, the same with the Doctors, it too still had a half eaten waffle on, and it smashed against the wall causing a big mess.

"Now that was uncalled for!" the Doctor said, great he was finally getting angry "Honestly, we have a dish washer for a reason." Another stupid flippant joke! and it just stoked her temper even more as her eyes began to burn with white energy. She used her powers to grab all the kitchen pots and pans, the waffle iron and the kettle and she twisted them out of shape. But the Doctor was still calm.

"Doesn't it bother you I'm destroying your stuff?!" Raven shouted.

"Well, it's an irritation but I think I have too much stuff anyway." Suddenly the Doctor was in the air surrounded by dark energy as Raven used her powers to lift him up.

"Why are you helping me? What do you have to gain from this?!" Raven shouted.

"Do you want to know why I'm doing it?" the Doctor asked "Well, come closer." and Raven came closer to him "Closer still, a little more" and when the Doctors lips were up to her ear he said "Because I want to be nice."

That didn't compute in Ravens mind, no one was nice unless they wanted something from you or to lull you into a false sense of security. No one she knew was 'nice' just because. Her mother and Azar were exceptions. Other people were manipulative, spiteful, hateful, judgemental, and yet here was the Doctor and through her mind she could tell the Doctor was sincere in his words. But rather than calming her it irritated her more.

Suddenly her blood ran cold when she became aware of what she was doing now. She saw the Doctor gasping for breath because Raven was using her powers to crush his oesophagus shut! She didn't mean to do that! She was just so angry! Her rage turned to horror and Raven dropped her powers. The Doctor collapsed to the floor, gasping for breath. Raven began trembling and before the Doctor could recover or say anything at all she ran from the kitchen and back to her room. She felt like she wanted to cry but she fought back the tears, tears were weakness and she would not show weakness. But she can't change the fact that she had nearly killed him. Maybe she was evil, maybe she is just like her father.

Raven entered her room, locked the door and worked on sorting these emotions out. She hated herself, and after what she'd done she was sure the Doctor hated her now. Why did it matter to her? She couldn't care less if the Doctor liked her, but some part of her deep down just didn't want the Doctor to hate her.

She had to control her emotions. Be calm. Meditate. Be calm. Meditate. Meditate. Meditate. Azarath metrion zinthos, Azarath metrion zinthos, Azarath metrion zinthos.

After a while the storm in her brain had subsided but she still felt ashamed of herself. She was now just going to stay in here, forever to contain herself, her anger and her powers so she could never hurt anyone again, ever.

Then she heard a knock on her door. It wasn't a banging like that of someone angry with her, but a simple tap, tap, tap on the door. Raven didn't answer and she heard the Doctor put something on the floor and walk away.

After a few seconds to make sure the Doctor was gone she opened the door. It was another plate of waffles and pancakes? Fresh, and warm! How did he make more after she crushed the pans? Why did he make more for her when she'd just tried to murder him?

She brought them in and took a bite and it tasted like perfection to her. She gulped the mouthful down. He'd still taken the time to do this for her. There were so many confusing thoughts in her head. Was this what forgiveness felt like? Was it even forgiveness? She didn't know. She couldn't remember the last time someone forgave her.

Still, she refused to cry.

To Be Continued...

Authors notes: This represents a turning point in her personality where she is starting to open up to people. It would be difficult for her given the kind of extra backstory I've invented for her. She's only known emotional betrayal and backstabbing, and something would have to soften that shell between fleeing Azarath and meeting up with the Teen Titans, gain them as friends and forming their team. In this case the person who started to soften that shell is the Doctor and the Teen Titans furthered her development from there.

Zagreus is a bad guy from the Doctor Who Big Finish audio of the same name, and I'm thinking of making it have a part in this story, or I could leave it as an Easter Egg. More than likely I'll use it as it is a very traumatic event in the Doctors future Raven could potentially relate to.

I'm not sure if I'm remembering this right, but from what I remember of the show Raven liked Waffles and there was no explanation for it, and I think I've just explained where her love of them came from.