Authors notes: Updated 17/May/2020

Keep in mind, Raven is a teenage girl who has never felt this way before. So her thoughts are going to be a little on the funny side. Imagine how you felt at that age meeting a boy or girl you liked. You probably did think and do cringy things to impress them.

Updated 26/03/2022

Chapter 65

Ambivalence

This is the last thing I need! Raven thought as she laid on her bed, her insides so full of butterflies that refused to go away. What was wrong with her? She'd never thought about boys before, not even while at the temple on Azarath. Even Armstrong way back with the Cybermen, he felt more like a friend than any kind of interest to her. Raven always thought that this affliction of the human heart was just a sickness, a disease that she would not allow herself to catch. But now...

Raven focused on one chip of paint on the ceiling and tried to blank her mind. But the moment she stopped blanking her mind she'd start thinking about that boy, and wondering why she felt this way about him.

It was that stupid comment he made about my eyes. She thought. But that wasn't it. It was deeper, it was more.

Think logically about it. Her mind insisted. It would never work out between you anyway. Once he finds out who you are, where you are from he'll hurt you. They always do. The whole reason you're on the TARDIS is so we can hide from the universe.

Raven tried to meditate, she tried to clear her mind, but she kept seeing Russel on the park bench. She kept imagining what Russel was like. Was he kind, playful, emotional, did he like magic, did he think she was attractive, didn't he mind her pale skin?

Stop it! He's only after you for one thing. You barely know him! She tried to remind herself.

But I want to know him.

That shut her mind up for a second.

He was so nice.

People are always nice when they first meet you. Then they stick a knife in your back and toss you aside like you and your feelings are disposable.

But what if I showed up to the coffee shop?

Don't!

But I...

You'll only get hurt. He won't understand you. He'll sell you out the moment he tires of you. You'll just be a form of currency to buy his way into another's friendship.

Raven decided what she was going to do. She wasn't going to the coffee shop in the morning. She was going to save herself by not seeing him.

She will not go to see him.

I will not go to see him!

OH, GOD DAMN IT! Her mind fumed as Raven walked towards the coffee shop the next morning. She had her book in her arms, still blank.

Just get through this. She told herself. Just get through this interaction and go home.

As Raven entered the Coffee shop, the door caught a bell attached to the door frame making it ring out. It rung again as the door closed. The coffee shop was mostly empty and she noticed there was no sign of Russel. Did he ghost her?

I told you he'd hurt you.

It was exactly eight AM.

Maybe he's just late.

Give me a break!

Undeterred, Raven paid for a cup of coffee and sat down at a table, opened her book and again pondered on what to write.

Russel was finally out of her head and she could think more clearly and critically. So she relaxed, placed an elbow on the table and rested her head in her hand.

The Doctor had arrived back in their rented room late yesterday, and though he seemed happy on the surface, underneath Raven could tell there was an undercurrent of tension he was feeling. He wasn't his usual, jovial self.

She was about to ask what was wrong, but he beat her to it.

"What's wrong, Raven?" He'd asked.

"Huh?" She felt like she'd been snapped out of a spell. She'd been thinking about Russel.

"You're usually not this quiet." The Doctor said, "I usually hear the ceremonial 'groan of greetings'."

Raven so wanted to express herself, to talk about how she felt, but she knew the Doctor would laugh at her.

"Nothing." She closed down the conversation.

After a long pause the Doctor came closer and asked. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Raven nodded as she stared into empty space. But still, she wanted to speak, she wanted to talk.

"Doctor..." She paused, "Have you ever wanted something? I mean... yeah, have you ever wanted something you think you can never have?"

"Well," That look on his face. If he comes out with a flippant response then I swear! "During my seventh incarnation, I couldn't eat peanut butter. My gums would swell up so I couldn't pronounce the letter Q. I loved peanut butter, but alas my seventh self was denied it."

She sighed, "never mind!"

The Doctor looked at her curiously, like the alien he was. He laid down on his own bed and stared up at the ceiling with her.

"It was... some time ago now. I met someone who just seemed to make me feel... feel a certain way." He faltered like he had trouble articulating his thoughts. "I couldn't describe the feeling then and I certainly can't now. I wanted her to come travel with me, but she couldn't, and I couldn't stay with her. There were too many complications. So, we had to part company. To this day I just imagine what might have been if she'd come with me, or if I'd gone with her."

Raven rolled onto her side to face him. "Did you admit your feelings for her? Did she reciprocate?"

"I think she did." The Doctor said, "human emotions in this field are not my strong suit. We did kiss, so I guess that meant something. She asked me to stay with her, give up my travels. But I couldn't."

"Why?" Raven asked, she wanted to know.

"Because I'm a wanderer who can't settle, and she wasn't really a traveller." The Doctor summed up. "It never would have worked out. Either way, one of us would've been unhappy. Not everyone is suited to travelling in the TARDIS, no matter how much you'd want them to. At that point, we just had to look at the bigger picture."

"But she... she was into you?" Raven asked.

"Our friendship ended with a kiss under the first fireworks of the new Millennium." The Doctor said rather romantically. Part of Raven's guts wanted to blow chunks at such a mushy thing, but her brain was absorbing all of it. "Why do you ask?" he suddenly said and that snapped her out of a pleasant day-dream she was having.

Raven instantly rolled onto her back and focused on that chip in the ceiling again.

"No reason." She said and fell silent.

Curiously, the Doctor dipped out again and didn't return that night. But a quick scan of the area with her mind told Raven there was no trouble and he was perfectly okay. So she didn't worry. She just enjoyed the peace.

She'd spent the rest of the night looking at her reflection in the mirror. She looked so sad. Negative thoughts entered her head as she reached up to the long strands of hair which came down either side of her face. She looked hideous. She looked like she had as much life in her as a Cyberman. Maybe she should do something with herself. Maybe she should wear makeup, or lipstick. How was she supposed to put on lipstick? Should she do something with her hair?

As she ran a hand through her hair she almost had a panic attack.

Is that a zit?!

Raven shut her eyes tightly and scolded herself. Stop it! So what if I have zits? Everybody gets them. Think logically. When she opened her eyes and re-checked she sighed with relief. No, it wasn't a zit. It was just her imagination.

There was nothing she could do to alter her appearance since she had no cosmetics she could apply to her face, and no matter how much she liked that boy there was no way she was changing her hair-style just to attract him. She liked her hair this way. It was manageable, it was cool, and importantly it meant she could cut her own hair herself. Anyway, she didn't know any other hair-styles.

If she was going to meet that boy she was going to go as herself, not as some parody he'll find attractive. He'd have to accept her as she was, or not at all! Hopefully, not at all! Her mind added. Raven still secretly wished he'd reject her.

Despite that wish, in the morning she still made an effort. She had showered, washed her hair, brushed her teeth. Applied some sun-block to stop her skin going red in the summer sun; she really didn't tan well; the usual stuff. She'd also cut her nails, checked her weight and tried to work on smiling, with little success at looking natural. She kept reminding herself that this was all for her own benefit, not Russel's.

Clothes were a big problem. She only had her hoodie, corset and the pair of skin-tight ripped trousers she'd came to Devils End in. The Doctor might get away with wearing the same thing day in day out without the need to change, but Raven was a human...ish. If she were to use her powers she could clean them instantly, but she was supposed to do things the mortal way now.

There wasn't a washing machine in the building and that annoyed Raven. So much so she looked into the Doctors trunk preying he'd thought ahead and packed at least some clothes for her. He hadn't. Typical!

What she did find was a weird-looking device kept next to a comb, a spare tooth-brush and a bar of soap. It looked like an iron, but Raven hadn't the foggiest how to use one and it didn't have a cord to plug it in. Plus, without an ironing-board it was useless. But still, experimentally she pushed a button.

It felt like a veil of warmth had surrounded her. She jumped to her feet but couldn't let go of the iron-thingy for a good few seconds, and when she could Raven dropped it and the iron-thingy clattered to the floor.

Wary of it Raven picked it up and put it back in the case. When she stood up again she saw her reflection in the mirror and her clothes, all of them looked and felt fresh as if they'd been cleaned and ironed.

Without her powers, Raven was starting to appreciate the Time Lord societies eccentric and artistic view to science and technology. It might not be magic, but it came close. It was also so nice for the Doctor to think to pack such a useful gadget. Was this why he never needed to change his clothes?

Meditation came next, and once done it was time to face this new demon which haunted her. She would face Russel and feel his judgement.

Or his affection?

Yeah, dream on, girl.

Ravens' heart began to beat faster when she was with Gallrick. Not only was he so charming and charismatic, but he also seemed so open to everything. She'd even invited him back to her quarters to show off her collection of dead spiders. She had a fascination with them. She kind of liked them because they were misunderstood. Everyone feared them and hated them for no reason other than they were creepy. Most spiders were harmless, but everyone screamed at them like they were all poisonous tarantulas.

The spiders actually weren't supposed to be dead. Raven just couldn't work out how to take care of them.

She could tell that Gallrick was a little weirded out by this. Raven blushed at this and put her little collection away.

"You don't need to feel ashamed." Gallrick had said, "They make you special, and unique." Raven was greatly flattered by that. No one ever told her she was special or unique, or at least didn't make it sound like something to be happy about.

"I haven't seen you at the temple before." Raven said, she felt herself blushing a little and so she looked away trying to hide her face.

"I'm not from Azarath. My mother and I are just passing through." Which meant he wasn't going to be stopping for long. Raven felt a little disappointed. "My mother is here on some kind of business."

"But, you have powers?" Raven asked, genuinely interested. She always thought anyone with psychic powers went straight to Azarath.

"My mother and myself come from somewhere far, far away. We actually move around quite a bit." So he travelled around a lot, and he sounded so mysterious, Raven thought, and he sounded like how she'd imagined someone from an Arthurian legend would speak. It was kind of enduring,… and attractive. Only now did Raven notice that his charka jewel wasn't like the traditional Azarath decoration, this one was blue and round, not diamond shaped like hers. She wanted to know more about him, but he didn't seemed to want to talk about himself.

Was showing him my spider collection a bad idea?

Despite what felt like a rocky start he hadn't walked away from her yet. She did wonder what she could do to keep him around and not go to someone else, she'd never had a real friend and she didn't want to lose this one.

For the rest of the day they'd spent hours playing psychic games with each other. That seemed to make him warm to her a little. Raven did wonder if he had made friends of his own since arriving here. Would his friends now become her friends.

"I don't have many friends." Gallrick admitted, "I only arrived in Azarath today."

"I'll show you around!" Young Raven said excitedly, "Are you here long?"

"Until my mother concludes her business." He said with little enthusiasm. He clearly wasn't interested in his mothers' business and Raven didn't want to pry. Instead she gave him the guided tour of the temple, dragging him to each room and explained everything she knew about it.

'Hmm...' he'd said, interrupting her, 'you know, you have lovely hair.' Raven's jabbering had come to a stop as she felt the long strands of purple hair which flowed down her back. She had considered cutting it shorter. But now that Gallrick said he liked it like this.

It wasn't until they moved towards the main hall that Raven's blood ran cold. She dragged Gallrick away behind a statue of Azar himself and pressed him into the side of it.

"Suppress your presence!" Raven told him, and Gallrick obeyed. An aged woman with deep wrinkles who moved like she had a stick constantly stuck up her backside was approaching down the hall. She walked past them and didn't notice the two tween monks hiding from her. The womans eyes looked like that of an eagle on the hunt. Once they were out of ear shot Raven whispered. "That's the High Mage Kelisha." Raven said about her, "Nobody really likes her. She's mean." Not entirely true. Some liked her, though it was not out of respect, nor a want to be liked back, it was because Kalisha was very generous to those who willingly obeyed her orders. Raven never got any of those privileges from her obviously, because the High Mage didn't seem to like Raven, at all, and Raven didn't know what she'd done to offend her. It seemed whatever weirdness was going on, when something didn't go the way it was supposed to it was somehow Ravens' fault.

Well, excuse her for being born.

Raven wasn't ashamed to admit that she really didn't want Gallrick to like her, so she didn't feel guilty about maybe bending the truth about her somewhat to make the High Mage appear worse than she already was.

"She tortures people she doesn't like." Raven said to him. It sounded convincing to her.

"She looks like she's constantly smelling dung." Little Raven laughed at Gallricks quip. He was funny. Raven liked that. She looked at him, and then turned away trying to hide her blushing cheeks from him again. She really liked him. Perhaps they could be more than just friends. After all, Gallrick had no other 'female friends' to speak of, so he was hers to claim.

She felt like she was bonding with Gallrick like she'd never done with anyone else before.

Raven's eyes opened up when the little bell on the shops door rang as someone came in. It wasn't Russel, just some villager. She must've dozed off. Raven shook her head and pushed that memory to the back where it belonged. She wanted to forget Gallrick after what he did to her, but at the same time her current situation felt almost familiar. Hopefully, Russel didn't turn out to be anything like Gallrick. She just had to be on her guard with boys she fancied.

She stared into her coffee cup at her reflection. It was now cool enough to drink and mirrored the feelings within her, they were starting to settle and vanish. Still, she hadn't written anything in her book.

The goth girl held her head in one of her hands and just stared out at the world. This Devils End place was indeed peaceful and tranquil. Weirdly, she had to admit she didn't mind being around people, she just didn't like interacting with them.

You just had to say just the wrong thing and people hate you. Tribes, that was the problem. People often formed into tribes. It was the tribal nature of human behaviour. People fear the strange and unusual. It was for the best that they did fear her. She was a destroyer, she was heartless, and no amount of mushy feelings would change that.

"Good morning, Miss Roth." Oh, God damn it! He was here! She suddenly had butterflies again!

Just get through it, take the knife and go home!

Russel stood opposite her table and gestured to the opposite seat. "May I?"

Raven shrugged trying to faint disinterest, "Knock yourself out."

Russel sat down and unpacked his sketch pad, and it had a strong smell of pencil markings. He opened to a page he'd been drawing yesterday and he turned the book over for her to see. "I've finished."

Raven looked down at the page, determined to show disinterest. But...

It was... very good.

"You're very talented." Raven found herself saying.

"Why, thank you." Russel smiled his enchanting smile. "I nearly didn't notice you here without your hood up."

Raven reached up and felt her hood, but did not raise it. She then looked down at the eyes he'd drawn on her. Dark, mysterious, cold, but there was a hint of warmth and sadness to them.

"You're not local, I take it?" Russel asked. "Let me guess, you live in the states and you go to some fancy university or something?"

"Actually, my... Dad and I travel around." She fished for a good lie, "He's a lecturer, he travels around giving lectures and I have to tag along."

"That sounds interesting." Russel said, "Must get lonely though, not settling in one place."

"I have my books." Raven said, "I don't need people."

Russel seemed to falter at that statement and wondered where to take it.

"Are you trying to write your own story?" Russel asked, nodding at the blank book.

Raven sighed deeply. "I don't know what to write." She admitted, "I thought writing might be my hidden talent, but... my imagination is stale."

"Surely, a well-read, intelligent woman like you should be able to come up with something. Maybe you should let your mind relax and ideas will come to you."

He thinks I'm intelligent?!

Shut it! He's being patronising! Raven wanted to call him out on it, but she didn't. He didn't sound like he was being disrespectful, he was trying to be nice.

"Are you interested in the supernatural?" Russel asked. "There's a lot of spooky stuff which happens around this town. The church used to be full of devil worshipers."

That caught her attention. "You mean like the occult? Dark magic?"

"Yeah, they used to worship under the church over there." He nodded at the ruin.

"What happened to it?" Raven asked.

"Nobody's sure. Some in the village claim some demon called Azal was summoned, and he destroyed it." Russel laughed.

"You don't... 'believe'... do you?" Raven asked.

"No." He said bluntly with a smile. "Do you?"

Raven stared at him for a good few seconds before saying. "Yes." and she waited for him to scoff.

"That's cool." He shrugged, "personally, I think it's all nonsense, but as long as you're not physically hurting anyone you can believe what you like."

"Don't patronise me." Raven bit.

"No, I mean it." Russel reassured, "just because we think differently its no reason to become unfriendly."

That was a mature sentiment, one Raven agreed with, but was one not many would follow when you boil it down.

"Do you want to see it?" Russel asked.

"What?"

"The ruin where they worshipped demons?" Again, Raven was struck by his eye contact. His eyes were a lovely, deep brown that matched his hair in the same way her eyes matched her own hair. They also had a look of warmth and understanding. And like yesterday they were focused on her face and not anywhere else, even though she'd unconsciously left her hoody slightly unzipped so he could clearly see her neck and the edges of her cleavage. Still, his eyes didn't wander and not once were they drawn to her chest. Not that she wanted him to gaze down her neckline or anything. Only then did Raven realise she was sitting straighter than usual, she was playing with her hair, and narrowing her shoulders to make her look more 'lady-like.' When she realised this she forced herself to go back to her neutral posture. Why was her subconscious betraying her like this?!

Raven leant forward and put her face back in her hand again.

"Sure." She answered. Only then did she notice her free hand had begun playing with her hoodies zipper and she fought some strange instinct to pull it further down. What the hell is wrong with me? She forced herself to zip her hoodie up to her neck, but not all the way, just enough to cover the exposed skin.

Russel didn't seem to notice. He seemed kind of oblivious to it all. For some reason that was not the response Raven wanted from him.

They both ordered a cup of coffee so she had time to try to back out before they finished their drinks. But as they talked the less she wanted to break away and walk out. They just talked and talked, and it felt good to talk. He was so full of questions about her, it was kind of flattering, but she didn't trust him enough with her secrets. So wherever a secret lay, she'd either be mysterious, which he seemed to like, or she'd just give him a made-up answer. It's not like he was ever going to find out.

What would be the harm in a little walk up to a ruin? It's not as if I'm falling for him.

Her heartbeat said otherwise.

Damn it!

He'd led her up a hill, through the graveyard and up to the ruin. It had been sealed off with a metal fence to stop people from getting to close to the big, sudden dip into the ruined foundations.

There was nothing here. Just the loose stones with grass poking through. There were signs of the architecture that used to be there, but overall nature was reclaiming the space.

Raven risked reaching out with her mind, and she could sense that dark and sinister things had happened down there. There was a psychic power, unlike anything she'd sensed before. She wanted to go down and investigate this power, but she held back. She was supposed to be 'ordinary' now.

"Are you religious at all, by the way?" Russel asked.

"You got a problem with that?" She asked, a little pointedly.

"No, I'm just curious about that gem in your forehead." As Raven turned her head she noticed Russel's eyes were on her mind chakra. Now they were focused on her eyes.

"It's my mind chakra." Raven said. "It... it's part of my religion. Yes."

"Cool. What sort of God do you worship?" Russel asked, that was a bit of a personal question.

"We... I..." She stammered. "She is called Zinthos, she..." she froze, according to legend Zinthos was the Goddess who gave humans the gift of soul self. "My religion is more about the self, about balance, about wellbeing anyway."

"So like Buddhism then?" Russel suggested, "That's an Atheistic religion." Was it? She didn't know.

"I don't know what Buddhism is, but I guess so." Raven shrugged, "We do believe in demons, monsters and a mystical destroyer. Zinthos is our God, but we don't really worship her as Earthly religions do their deities." 'Earthly religions'? Shit. Why did I have to describe them like that? He's going to think I'm a weirdo. She could tell Russel was about to ask more, so she hastily said. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Bad vibes?" He asked.

"Something like that."

Say something really douchey! Her mind insisted of him. She wanted him to act and behave as she expected people to. To treat her like an evil demon. Insult her somehow so she didn't have to feel this way about him anymore. Say something stupid, insulting or hurtful so I can get out of this situation, please!

Suddenly he laughed a little. "That's a very interesting hairstyle." This could be it. The comment that breaks this spell!

"It's stupid, I know." Raven felt a little anger rise.

"I think it suits you. It's rather pretty." Oh, for God sake! Her mind screeched in despair, but Raven's inner girly-girl also squealed at that, and she momentarily went rigid as she fought it all back. "It's like the wings of a raven itself. It sort of reminds me of Gandalfs' hair in the Two Towers when he becomes Gandalf the White."

"Huh?" Okay, that was an odd comparison.

"Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers." Russel said, "I went to go see it last year at the pictures."

"Oh..." She guessed he was talking about a movie. "I... I've not seen the movies." She'd not seen any movie. "I've only read the books."

"We'll have to go see the third movie when it comes out the back end of this year." He said.

"Yeah... maybe." Raven muttered. The little sorcerer was trying to contain and process what she was feeling, it felt so alien. She looked at Russel. She felt like she had to say something, it had gotten too quiet for her.

"I... I like your hair too." Raven looked away briefly before looking back at him. "It reminds me of Hobbit hair... all curly and stuff."

"That's because I am a hobbit, can't you tell?" He laughed, Raven looked at his tall figure up and down. "I had a growth spurt. There's more to being a hobbit than size you know." She didn't laugh, though internally she was amused. This town, this small little place was a lot like the Shire of the Hobbits in a lot of respects. Quiet and peaceful. Though it smelt a little funny as the manure of local farms wafted down into the town.

It had gone quiet again between them, so hastily Raven asked.

"Do you believe in God? Magic? Supernatural?"

You already know he doesn't believe in that, you idiot!

"No, I don't believe in any of that stuff. I'm open to the idea of God, but ultimately it's just not important to me." He shrugged. Long and short of it, he meant spiritually he was an Atheist, but by the sound of it, just an Agnostic Atheist, one who doesn't know for certain. Raven didn't know whether to regard that idea as foolish or not, considering what exactly she is. God didn't create Raven after all, and she guessed for everyone's talk of a God, she'd never sensed him out there, nor even met him, or indeed her if that was the case. "I'm not the religious type anyway." He continued on. "I'm not one to just go along with a narrative, whether it be religious, political or even personal. I always end up asking questions people don't like to be asked. I never mean to cause offence, but I guess when you believe something so passionately the last thing you'd want to do is examine it too closely, for someone to ask questions you find you can't answer. People just find it upsetting, so I've stopped trying to understand and just keep myself to myself. They can believe what they want to believe, as long as they accept I just don't." Russel turned to her. "Is something wrong?"

Raven had been staring at him. She thought she was the only one intelligent enough to see the world like that, to see people like that. She closed her eyes and fought her feelings down. Even if this relationship never came of anything, maybe she'd found a proper friend at least. Suddenly she wanted his favour but didn't know what to do to impress him.

Except...

"Do you like magic?" Raven asked him.

To Be Continued...

Authors notes: Ambivalence means to have mixed/contradictory feelings, thoughts or emotions about something or someone.

Updated: 26/03/22: Added in the compliments about their respective hairstyles in relation to Hobbits and Gandalf. Also included the allusion to the Shire.

Added in that the order of Azarath does have a deity, and that deity is called Zinthos. (Note: Again, I haven't able to find much about the culture of Azarath. But I thought it'd be cool if Zinthos was the name of someone important like a God. In that respect Ravens chimes are like dedication to the order of what is important to the culture. I just need to have a think to what Metrion might mean.)

Corrected some spelling errors, as it turns out I originally didn't know how to spell Atheist and got it wrong every time. lol