Hello! :)

You guys probably know I'm a sucker for the extremely underrated Bailey-Derek friendship, so we're having some of that today!

This chapter is not a particularly happy one, especially at the end, but I'm sure you're not surprised by that, considering that our Merder are no longer together! :(

But, Castle2126, please don't worry! Merder are going to get back together, Derek is going to get better, and they will definitely be happy again! Promise!

There's going to be a lot of...'enjoy's with a question mark for quite a few more chapters first though, including this one.

So...enjoy?

"I've heard you're an idiot."

Derek looked up at that recognisable, scolding tone that, of course, belonged to Miranda Bailey. "Gee, thanks. What is this- word on the street? Does everyone know?"

"Meredith told me."

"Meredith told you I was an idiot?" He asked. He wasn't surprised, she had a right to, but she wasn't the kind of person to actually do it.

"She told me something has been going on in your life recently. Something not good. Something...you aren't telling me about."

"When...you're paralysed-" He swallowed. "Everyone wants to talk about...you know, what being paralysed actually means...how your life will change because of it- what you can still do...what can't do- stuff like that."

She nodded.

"I mean, obviously, my brain was mush but I understood what a spinal cord injury was, in some basic sense. And, even as a neurosurgeon, but again- half-brain-dead neurosurgeon- I didn't think about it. Ever. That was never one of my concerns and...nowadays it's the only part of myself I'd ever change."

"The pain."

He sighed heavily, "Who knew not feeling your legs could make you feel so much? What idiot god came up with that contradiction?"

She smiled sympathetically. "So...you broke up with Meredith-"

"Because it's not right for her to see me in this much pain. It's not for her to cope with it, or deal with it, or sit around everyday worrying about me dying because of it."

"Pain isn't...dangerous. It's not good, but it can't...kill you."

"Arachnoiditis." He stated after a second, sighing heavily.

She swallowed. "This is...what's happened?"

"I've had it for a while now, I think. Just...same pain as I had a while back, just with a name now."

"Not the same." She corrected. "Chronic pain is chronic pain and stays chronic pain...but arachnoiditis has real, dangerous complications."

"Complications which can result in death." He admitted, as if he wasn't saying that completely terrifying fact about a condition he now had. "I always...you know, had the SCI things, and the TBI things, and the spleen things, and the kidney things, and the sitting-down-too-long things going on, but...I don't know, it's just like a never-ending spiral. My body keeps failing me over and over and the more it does it, the more likely it makes it for the cycle to repeat and it's getting to the point where- I don't know, I'm not convinced it's going to keep on going anymore."

"And Meredith-"

"I think her clumsiness and her humour and her goofiness made me thinks she's young-at-heart and free of stress for quite some time. But-" He paused. "She has a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts. Like...a lot, all the time."

"So...you two not being together-"

He sighed. "She can't cope with the thought of me dying. She can't cope with the idea of me being in pain. She...she loves me, and I'm convinced that she is the only woman in the world that actually doesn't give a single care to the fact that I can't walk. But...paraplegia isn't just about not walking-"

"And that's the bit she can't handle."

"I was destroying her. She was happy...lots of the time. But looking back-" He paused. Looking back, there were so many times he should have pushed her to talk to him. "She'd ask me so often about my pain or my injuries and the...the way she'd look at me when I talked about it. The way she'd frown for the rest of the day. The way she'd...pick at her dinner when she was stressed. I did what I could, but I wanted to be truthful with her."

"She loves you."

"And I love her. I'm not denying that." He sighed. "But we can't be together. Ever. We...we're done."

"This is weird, you know that?"

"We're worried about you." Bailey returned. "We just want to make sure you're okay-"

"I'm-" He paused as his eyes crinkled. It didn't hurt, but it did feel strange. "That's my cage you're poking, not my spine."

"Does it hurt?" Mark asked, ignoring Derek's comment. Obviously, he was very aware of the fact that he was touching metal, not bone, in his back; he was a doctor.

"It's okay right now."

"And how's the pain been this week generally?" Bailey asked.

"Okay."

"And what does okay actually mean?" Mark asked as he slid off the bed, and walked round to the side of the bed Derek was sat on. That was the second time he was met with the dreaded word.

"Tuesday night I couldn't sleep for a while...had a lot of back pain." He admitted with a sigh. "But it's fine. You know it's normally the nights for me that are the most painful."

"Which is good for you and your ability to be a surgeon in some ways, but you can't be yawning into brains all day." Bailey replied.

"I'm not too tired."

"How long have you been sleeping?"

"Maybe...five hours." He admitted honestly after a long moment of silence, knowing he was about to get told off. That was probably an optimistic guess for some nights.

Mark sighed. "Derek-"

"I'm trying. I just-"

Find it hard to sleep without Meredith beside me.

"It's cold and it takes a while for me to get to optimum temperature. And then, of course, I get too hot and wake up again." He lied. "Ontop of the pain, it just...it's hard to get to sleep. And to stay asleep. And...then to wake up when I actually want to."

"How about other things?" Bailey asked. "Drinking enough? Eating the right food? Taking care of yourself medically- taking your meds properly?"

"I'm...trying." He replied after a moment. That was the best he could do.

"Derek, we need to know what's not working for you." Mark sighed. "So, what do we need to worry about? You tell us."

"I don't think you need to worry about anything."

"You're girlfriendless, and I can't convince you to change your mind. You're working all hours of the day, and I can't convince you to change how long you're working. You're living alone, and you won't let me move in with you, even though I do my best to spend all day there. You just...so much of chronic pain is about how you feel, Derek."

"Well I don't want to talk about my feelings. This isn't therapy." He sighed. "I agreed to let you poke my spine and even started that pain chart thing so you guys could stop worrying, but I'm not doing this too."

"Derek-"

"I died - many times - and I should have stayed dead. Even if I survived, you guys thought I was going to be half-brain-dead in rehab for the rest of my life. But right now, I'm alive and I'm conscious and I'm about to work...do the job I love." He replied. "I'm going to go and cut into some brains now, and you're going to stop worrying about me."

Meredith was terrified. Partially of the day, mostly of Derek (for the first time in her life). She'd told Bailey that they were okay to work together after the breakup, but every minute she was getting more and more terrified that she had made the wrong choice. Perhaps she was more worried about what Bailey might say, rather than Derek.

"Hi." She swallowed. "I'm uh...I'm on your service."

"Yeah, I saw this morning." He agreed.

"Yeah." She agreed, not sure what else to say.

"Syringomyelia case today. Amanda Dennis." He replied, his voice akin to hers. Neither had confidence, neither had joy. "You um-"

"This is where you ask me to list off the symptoms of syringomyelia to make sure I'm ready to see the patient." She said to his silence. "That's what all the attending ask."

"I know." He muttered. The problem was, he knew that she knew the symptoms of Syringomyelia inside-out.

"Muscle weakness, muscle wasting, loss of reflexes, loss of sensitivity to pain and temperature, headaches, stiffness in the back, shoulders, arms and legs, pain in the neck, arms and back, and scoliosis." She listed off, ignoring the fact that he hadn't asked. "Can be caused by meningitis, Chiari Malformations, tumours and..."

"Spinal cord injuries and arachnoiditis." Derek finished for her through a sigh. He now had twice the likelihood of getting syringomyelia. While it wasn't a condition that differed too greatly from his current symptoms, he definitely didn't need more pain.

She swallowed. "So uh- better go off to see the patient then?"

"Hi, my name is Dr Shepherd. This is Dr Grey, she'll be prepping you for surgery today."

"You're...the head of neurosurgery?" Amanda asked slowly as she looked him up and down. "The guy everyone told me about?"

"I know. I'm pretty sure I'd look as confused as you if the roles were reversed."

She smiled just a little. It was a little timid, but definitely not forced.

He returned it before inquiring, "Are you happy with me to continue with the surgery? I am always happy to page another neurosurgeon if not."

"Well, my mum told me to get a woman doctor because apparently I'd get better care as they're more understanding- but, I suppose I couldn't ask for anyone more understanding." She said before inquiring, "How long?"

"Oh uh, almost...two years now."

"And what happened?"

"It's a long and complicated story- but trauma. Opposed to you- I know from your chart that you developed your syringomyelia from a nasty case of meningitis."

"Mmm. And it's been cane-chair-cane-chair ever since because it completely wiped me out, only for me to now have this." She sighed. "With all this shoulder pain I've gotten from the syringomyelia, it's hard to use a manual even."

"Well, hopefully this surgery is going to help reduce your symptoms."

"My insurance refuses to help me with an electric, so I sure hope so." She returned.

"That's cruel." Derek sighed. He was lucky when it came to insurance, but he was very aware that not everyone was, and he was extremely sympathetic to anyone who was loaded with a multi-hundred-thousand-dollar bill just because one tiny, simple little pathogen decided to make a home in their body.

"I know. Tell me about it. Even now, I've barely got something better than a hospital chair."

"I think I paid the price of a small car for mine. Luckily, insurance were okay often, but, yeah, they didn't want to pay out for a...'luxury' item."

She smiled. "Oh, of course not. It's far too luxury to want to leave your home."

"Mmm. Well, my hope is to make it technically possible for you to leave your home, assuming your insurance sorts themselves at some point. Then you can leave the house without all this pain."

"How about you?"

"Me?"

"You're working; are you lucky?"

"I-" He sighed. "I'm fine. Lucky when it comes to chronic pain."

She smiled. "Honestly, I'm glad. There's enough pain in this world, I have no desire to be salty about others lack of pain and wish it upon them. I'll just enjoy knowing there's a lovely paraplegic surgeon living out there."

He smiled back. "And I will do my best to let you go back to your life as soon as possible. See you in the OR."

"I've had five therapy sessions."

Derek looked round. They...were still talking about their lives. Their private lives. Possibly even their secret lives; Derek wasn't sure whether Meredith would have told her friends about being in therapy. "I'm glad you're going. Do you feel like you're making some progress?"

"She told me to talk to you."

"Right."

"I'm going to apologise for the way I acted. She said not to do that, but I'm doing it anyway." She started. "And then...I'm going to tell you how I feel about you. And how I feel is...I feel like I love you, Derek-"

"Meredith-"

"And then I'm supposed to tell you about my general feelings in the past, the present and the future. In the past...I...I felt very happy with you. The most...the most happy I've ever been. In the present, I am feeling very awkward. And-" She sighed. "-in the future I'd like to be very happy again. I'd like to...be with you again-"

"That's not-"

"She recommended I request for this to be a break. She said it would make our relationship weird, but that I shouldn't care about that if it meant we get to be together in the future and that's what I want so...I want this to be a break. I'd make it a break myself but...you're the one who split up with me. Even...even if it was for me."

"The pain has been worse."

She swallowed. Worse. How was it worse?

"I don't...I don't think anything is going to change that will mean we'll work. Not long term. And I...I can't do short term. I'd rather have no one." He returned. "And...if I let you love me short term, I don't think you'd let me go. You're too kind. You'd rather suffer as my carer than deal with guilt of leaving me."

She didn't reply to that for a second. He was right. Perhaps if he was someone else, she would leave or would be able to do it long term. But the whole reason she was even still emotionally in this relationship was because she was so freaking sure that Derek was actually the most perfect man in the world, at least for her. "You know you just created like 5 sessions worth of stuff to talk about with my therapist, right?"

He smiled, just a little. "Sorry."

She smiled back before a brief second before asking, "Are you doing okay?"

"Mmm?"

"Mentally, are you doing okay? Are you talking to people? Mark? Bailey? Your therapist?" She pushed. "I know how you like to block them out sometimes and...I feel like this is a lot. Just because we're not together...doesn't mean I can't still hope you're okay."

"I-" He paused and swallowed. "Um- yeah, I'm doing fine."

"Hey."

"Hi." Amanda smiled, just a little, before a wince took her over. "Oh- Jesus."

"Do you need some more morphine?" Derek asked.

"No, no. Just- need to know which way not to sit." She muttered as she adjusted herself much more carefully this time.

"So, your surgery went really well."

"Yeah?"

"You sound surprised?"

"Life...hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows recently." She explained. "I'm not sure I was overly optimistic about this either."

"Well, of course I couldn't fix everything about your pain, but hopefully your arm and shoulder pain will improve enough for you to be able to use a manual, or perhaps even go back to the cane if you're feeling up to it fatigue-wise."

"Thank you."

"It was my pleasure."

"How about you? For real this time."

Derek didn't reply for a long moment before admitting, "I have arachnoiditis, and chronic pain. Been struggling with something like you since my accident; my brain was pretty fried so staying up late or doing a hundred things in a day isn't my favourite thing in the world."

She gave him a small smile. "I could tell that you weren't being truthful in front of your colleague."

"Mmm. I try not to talk about it too much."

"Any nice, easy surgeries to fix anything you've got?" She asked hopefully.

He sighed. "I wish. But no. There...there's nothing."

"I'm j- just so-" She paused as she winced, hard.

"Amanda, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

She groaned hard. "No- no l- I-"

"Okay-" He hit the call button. "It's okay. I'm getting help. You're okay. It's okay."

"Hey, Amanda Dennis isn't in her room." Meredith said to a nurse. "Was she moved somewhere?"

"The neuro case?" The man said with a creased brow.

"Yeah. The one with syringomyelia."

"Didn't you hear? She died about an hour ago. Complication of the surgery. Unlucky; she was a nice woman."

She swallowed. She'd died? Died. Died. "Have you seen Dr Shepherd?"

"He went home- really didn't look very well. He was there for the whole thing."

Long term, Derek could easily develop syringomyelia and that freaked the hell out of her, but right now she was far more concerned about the fact that one of the few people who had made Derek smile and had connected to in the last few weeks was dead, and he'd witnessed it all.