"Hey, wait up, Peter!" Carlie hurried to fall in step beside him as he swiftly crossed the campus courtyard. "You disappeared so fast last night… I was worried. What happened?"

"Did you hear about the Lizard-man… whatever it is?" Peter didn't slow his steps as he glanced down at his watch with a grimace. He was late again. She nodded as he continued. "It was throwing around cars on the Brooklyn Bridge last night. Spider-Man fought him off and the thing disappeared, but it'll probably be back."

"Well, what were you doing out there?" Carlie stared at him and he felt the blood rushing to his face. Her green eyes seemed to be piercing straight through him… as if they could see the black spider symbol hidden beneath his jacket.

"Taking pictures. Did you see the Daily Bugle this morning?" He threw open the door of the classroom building, holding it open for her as she seemed determined to follow him.

"Yeah, I did. It was an amazing photo." She cocked her head to the side as he stopped in front of his classroom, raising an eyebrow warily. "I don't know how you do it. How you get that close up. I mean… that thing was practically a dinosaur and it was throwing cars off the bridge. And you're just standing there, taking pictures?"

"With good photography comes great risks," Peter grinned nonchalantly as he gripped the doorknob.

"Uh-huh." Carlie shifted her books to the other arm and brushed her hair away from her eyes. She seemed to have made a nervous habit of that… and adjusting her glasses too. He opened the classroom door slowly, hoping no one would notice that he was putting in an appearance twenty-seven minutes late, but Carlie laid a hand on his arm to stop him.

"Meet me for lunch?" she asked, smiling eagerly. He nodded, feeling himself smile back, almost involuntarily.

"Cafeteria at twelve thirty."

oOo

April 8, 2003

On the way home today from another (failed) audition, when I stopped for supper, (because I didn't feel like cooking) I met someone. A young man I've never seen before in person, but someone I've heard about so much. Quite a hero in his own right. I'm talking about John Jameson the astronaut… first man to play football on the moon. And, incidentally, he's the son of Peter's boss… that horrid J. Jonah Jameson from the Daily Bugle. But the young Mr. Jameson doesn't seem to be like his father at all. At least, judging from what I've heard about J. Jonah from Peter, he isn't like that at all.

Some idiot at the restaurant was bothering me. I tried to ignore him, but he wouldn't back off. And then this John Jameson just stepped in and told the guy off. He offered to buy me a coffee and we got to talking. Truth is, I really enjoyed spending time with him. And so when he asked me for a date, I accepted.

I don't know. Maybe I should be moving on. I don't want to… but I can't live like this forever.

April 17, 2003

Well! Things are finally starting to look up! This isn't much, but it's certainly a beginning. Of something. I'm still not sure what. I've been commissioned by Emma Rose Parfumerie to model for their ads. We'll see what comes of this. At least it's good money!

May 20, 2003

And something good did come out of that modeling gig! I was invited by an off-Broadway theater company to do an audition for a play they're wanting to start. An old classic called The Importance of Being Earnest. My audition is tomorrow. Praying so hard that I will make it!

May 22, 2003

Just got the good news back today. No. "Good news" isn't the way to describe it. Phenomenal news is more like it! I got the part… the leading part in the play! I'm so happy right now, I'm crying. I called everyone… Mom, Aunt May, Harry, Peter, even Emma and Louise. I think Peter was the most excited, really. He's been supporting my dream since the day I told him. And I appreciate it, so much… but somehow… it just hurts. Really bad.

John took me out to dinner to celebrate. At Sardi's. It was fabulous.

June 2, 2003

Mom called me today from the doctor's office. She's just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I'm absolutely terrified now. She tells me not to worry, but how could I do otherwise? I've got the part in the play, but I've got nothing else. The only family I have in the world has cancer. What would I do without Mom? I need her like I need the sunshine. I don't have anyone else that close to me. Not even Peter. I tried to call him to tell him, but he didn't even pick up the phone. I left a message. I was actually sobbing into the phone.

June 3, 2003

Peter didn't return my call. He showed up at my apartment in person. Just one look at the concern in his eyes and I burst into tears again. He just pulled me close and held me while I cried. I need him. I wish it could be like this forever.

Mom will be starting treatment soon. I've been praying so hard ever since I heard the diagnosis. I hope… so hard… that the treatments will work and that she will be okay. Dear God, please don't take her from me! The doctors say that it isn't a severe form of cancer… not yet… but I can't help but be terribly afraid.

June 27, 2003

Mom is getting favorable reports from the doctors. She's started chemo and she says it makes her feel terrible. But she laughed when she said it. She's lost all of her beautiful hair and it makes my heart ache to see her like that. I made her a scarf to wear and she almost cried when she saw it. I've spent every moment with her that I haven't been in rehearsal. She says she won't be able to make it to opening night, but she is insistent on coming to see a show soon.

John picked me up for dinner after rehearsal, but he came early and stayed to watch some of the rehearsal. It's pretty amazing that someone would actually take time out of their day just to watch me rehearse. He's a wonderful guy. So sweet and gentlemanly. We're getting to be really good friends and… it's comforting to have him around.

July 10, 2003

Opening night. This was the most fabulous day of my life. I can't remember the last time I've been so thrilled! It's near midnight but I could just go on singing and dancing till the sun rises. What is it that old musical says… I could have danced all night, and still have begged for more! I could have spread my wings and done a thousand things I've never done before.

I've done it! I've reached the stars! They may be the lower stars in the sky, but they're still stars. I'm chasing my dream and I've caught hold of the tail end of it.

July 12, 2003

Funny how I write in splotches… not for a really long timed… and then so much all at once. I am NOT good at keeping a journal. Oh well, it works. It's not like I'm being graded or anything.

John picked me up for a late lunch today and then drove me over to the theater for tonight's play. He stayed to watch and told me afterwards that I was brilliant. And beautiful too. He's really sweet. I think I might be seeing him around a lot in the future.

But it doesn't matter much… no matter how I try to reason myself, I can't get around the fact that I still love Peter. I love him so much it hurts. And going out with someone new is like opening new wounds. I wish I could try to talk to him again but… he's just never around. The time he came when I told him about my Mom is the only time I've seen him in weeks. And I haven't seen him since. I don't know what is up with him.

Mom's treatments are continuing to go well. I've positively haunted the hospital for days, the entire time she was doing chemo. She's back at home again and so now I'm haunting home. It's a long commute to the theater though and she keeps insisting she'll be fine. I don't care if I have to take a bus and then the subway… I just don't want to leave her.

July 20, 2003

Mom came to see my play today! She assures me she's feeling much better and the doctors are saying that after a few more chemo rounds, the cancer might go away completely. That's the best news I've heard in forever. She's thinking about getting a wig, but she was wearing my scarf tonight and confided, half-joking I think, that she wouldn't have dared to come without it.

July 23, 2003

I saw Peter today. In fact, I collided with him. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and stepped out into the street in front of a car. I heard him yelling my name, but couldn't react fast enough, and suddenly I was jerked back by something… and I crashed right into him. It was certainly a bizarre way to meet up again, but I didn't care. I was so glad to see him. He just said the same old excuse though. He's been busy. Really busy. College and… taking pictures of Spider-Man and… well, I don't know. He told me he's working at Joe's Pizza now. He was all excited about my play, asked me all about it, and promised to come sometime. Harry's seen it, Mom's seen it, Aunt May's seen it, John's seen it, Emma and Louise have seen it, he's the only one left. I hope he does come. I really want him to see it. He's the one that kept me going when it seemed like my dream was just too unreachable.

We only talked for a few minutes. Some kind of police chase was going by. Peter told me I'd better get off the streets and then he just disappeared.

August 9, 2003

The play has been going so well. I've been getting glowing reviews and I'm on cloud nine. Or so it seems. John and I have been going out a lot. I like him. A lot. Maybe I can move on. I certainly hope so. I've been too depressed for too long.

I met J. Jonah himself today. John took me out to dinner and we met him at the restaurant. He's not so bad, really, just an old grouch. I mentioned Spider-Man just to see what he'd do and he flew into a total rage. It took John and I all of twenty minutes to calm him down again. After that I kept my mouth shut on the subject. If you keep a wide berth of Spider-Man, he can be pretty pleasant.

I don't know what on earth is his problem where Spider-Man is concerned.

August 14, 2003

Ordered Joe's Pizza tonight… just to see if Peter would show up. And he did. Albeit ten minutes late, which really worried him, but I didn't care. Apparently his boss is giving him a really hard time. It was really good pizza. But I have a feeling it was seeing Peter that made it so good.

I introduced John to Mom yesterday and she loves him. But she looked at me in a sort of half-confused, half-questioning way as if she was a little worried. I never really told her, not in so many words, but I think she knows what happened between me and Peter. And she knows that I still love him.

August 25, 2003

Today was Peter's birthday. He's twenty now. And I will be too, in another month. Wow… I can't believe how old that sounds. We're leaving the teen years behind forever. Harry, Aunt May and I planned a surprise party for him. Poor Pete… I think he forgot it was his birthday.

I talked to him afterwards… told him about John. It had to happen sometime. But it was harder to say than I ever could have imagined. He actually sounded hurt… but he said that he was glad for me. I can't understand him. If he was even in the smallest way interested, wouldn't he have said so?

He promised to come to my play tomorrow. We'll see if it happens. I reserved the best spot for him, but I can't help feeling afraid that he won't show up.

August 26, 2003

Peter didn't show up. And I felt like I could hardly act. I kept making mistakes… it seemed like that empty spot in the first row was glaring at me. Mocking me.

John came up to me after the play to take me out for supper. He kissed me… for the first time… and I didn't even mind. I had avoided it before. I feel like he really does care about me… and he's there for me. That's more than Peter can do. But… it still hurts. Deep down.

I felt like Peter was watching me when I left the theater tonight. I looked and didn't see him anywhere, but I was sure I could feel his eyes on me. It was weird. But I know he was there somewhere. He just didn't make it to my play. I can't believe he doesn't care enough to even show up for just one performance. Especially after he promised to always be there for me. He's not. Hardly ever.

Mary Jane looked up, startled, as she heard a knock on the door. With a grimace, she realized it was locked. Struggling to her feet and reaching for her crutches, she moved slowly towards the door.

"Who's there?"

"Mary Jane? It's Mom. Can I come in?"

Without answering, MJ drew the bolt back and opened the door. For a moment she just stood there, silently, her eyes filling with tears.

"Are you okay?" her mom questioned, stepping forward. MJ shook her head, swallowing hard to keep back her tears. "When you called me earlier, I got worried. Thought I should just come on over. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," MJ murmured, suddenly determined to keep this to herself. Mom would only think she was going crazy. And something made her want to keep the diary a secret. It was all too strange, too frightening. She needed time to figure it out on her own.

"I mean," MJ lifted her head, smiling wanly. "I guess I just was a little lonely. And… my stupid ankle is driving me crazy." She limped back toward the couch, sweeping the diary off to the side and slipping it into a pile of magazines. "I've got some pizza bites and chocolate ice cream in the freezer, maybe you could stay for supper?"

"I've got something better than that," Mrs. Watson smiled proudly as she held up an enormous pink shopping bag. "I picked up a chicken meal at KFC's. Coleslaw, mashed potatoes, biscuits and all. And…" she rummaged around in the bag and pulled a tupperware container out with great dramatic flair that normally would have made her actress daughter laugh. "May Parker sent some of her cookies."

"Aunt May's cookies…" MJ suddenly turned white and she clenched her hands in her lap. Her mom didn't notice the change in her mood as she busied herself over at the kitchen counter, digging out plates and forks. A single tear rolled down MJ's cheek as she reached out to pull one of the cookies from the container. Distant echoes of the past… not memories but dreamlike shadows… danced through her mind. Laughter. A pair of deep blue eyes. Someone holding her close. An unexplainable feeling of complete and perfect love and safety.