There were four days until Christmas, and Alex hadn't gotten anything for Erin, not knowing if that would be appropriate, or if they would have a moment together during the holiday season. The team had been grounded that year for Christmas, which meant that they were all home, and that also meant that Erin would be spending a lot of time with Rossi, since they were still a couple. Which bothered Alex far more than she would ever let on, because she knew that it wasn't fair to Rossi, to have these surging feelings for his partner. In any other couple, she'd be judging the hell out of the homewrecker, which meant that she was judging herself just as much, and that was hurting her heart so much. Still, she wouldn't force Erin to choose her, again, because it wasn't fair to try to manipulate Erin into the thing that Alex most desired.

Shaking her head a little, Alex grabbed her blanket from off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her legs as she stared out the window at the rain. A part of her wished that it was snow, because that might have at least put her in the Christmas mood, rather than this deep sense of melancholy. Letting out a deep sigh, she reached out and picked up her book off the coffee table and began to read, fully intending to lose herself in the fictional world, where problems would be solved in the course of three hundred or so pages, and a happy ending was almost always guaranteed.

After an hour of reading, she heard a familiar ringtone jangle out from her phone, and she shoved the closest piece of paper into her place before setting the book aside and picking up the device. "Jamie!" she cried out happily as she accepted the call, and a small, happy, sigh slipped from her lips as she settled back into the sofa as she waited for him to say something.

"I'm calling to wish you a Merry Christmas, Lexie Lou. I don't know if I'll be able to get a free moment to contact you on the day itself, since I'll be working on the front lines starting Christmas Eve. So I thought that we could celebrate the holiday right now."

"That sounds wonderful. Do you have a strong enough connection today so that we could Facetime?"

There was too long a pause on the other end of the line, which told Alex all that she needed to know, but James still answered her nonetheless. "I'm afraid not. I was lucky enough to find a spot that gave me enough reception to call you, since there were quite a few dropped calls earlier in the day. But enough sad talk, let's talk about Christmas. What are your plans for the day?"

"I might head out for Chinese food and to see a movie, or see if there's a gallery open in DC that I could wander through. Without you here, and the team being grounded, there's really no one for me to hang out with."

"There's Erin."

She shook her head, even though she knew that he couldn't see her. "We're all home, which means that she'll be spending the holiday with her children and Dave. She might call for a few minutes, which I'll be grateful for, but that's the most that I can and should expect. I don't know why a blue Christmas is bothering more this year than last year, but it is."

James let out what could only be described as a sad chuckle, and she sighed again at the sound. "You're bothered more this year because your feelings are different this year. Yes, you still love me, but you are also allowing your love for Erin to bleed through to the surface once more, and being away from both of us is an extra ache that you don't know how to work through."

"Yes," she replied, knowing that she couldn't lie to him. "As we've talked over the months that I've been back with the BAU, I found myself growing close to Louise. I needed her as a friend, since you were gone, and Erin was a thorn in my side. But as soon as I knew who I was talking to, everything just seemed to fall into place. I feel comfortable with her, Jamie, and I don't know what will happen next."

"So, I take it by that little speech, things between you and Erin are getting better?"

"So much better, Jamie. I know, without you even saying anything to me, that this is so unfair to all three of you, but God help me, I cannot seem to shut this tap off once more. I can't find that anger or bitterness that I held onto for so long. It's as if, once I decided to let it go and start anew with her, that meant I could never reclaim the past rift."

"That's the thing about true reconciliation, Lexie. You can't put limits on the changes in you."

"But I'm going to hurt all three of you in the process."

James hummed beneath his breath a little as he paused before answering. "You can't protect everyone from the things that might hurt us in this world, and you know that. You work in a profession where you see the truth of that every single time you're on a case. Why would you think that that would be any different in your personal life?"

"Because I thought I could protect you all from that as I wrestled with these feelings in my heart. Erin's told me that she loves me, but I haven't said those words back yet."

"Why?"

"Because if I say them, then they're true, and we're one step closer to being apart. I want both of you in my life for as long as possible. Again, I know how selfish that sounds, especially right before Christmas. You never signed on for this, and I am so sorry for doing this to you."

Another soft hum on his end of the line told Alex that he was thinking of what to say to her once more, and she desperately wished that she could see his face so that she could read his expressions, knowing that she could find out a lot more about what he was feeling by those unspoken words. "A part of your heart always belonged to Erin. I reconciled myself to that truth a long time ago, because I love you. And even if you choose to continue down the path that leads to Erin, I will still love you, because we shared a life together, and for a time, you were mine."

"I hate that you're so okay with this. A part of my brain is telling me that the reason you're not yelling at me is because you've never truly, completely, loved me. And before you even say anything, I will let you know that I realise that that's a ridiculous statement. But my emotions are all over the place right now, and I just wish that you and Erin were here to hug me tightly, holding me between the two of you as we figure things out."

"Oh, Alex, you have no idea how much I want to be there for you, holding you, and telling you that it's all right to be a little afraid of what's going to come next. And yes, your brain is lying to you, because I do love you with my entire heart, but it is my mind and heart in conjunction right now. Both are in agreement that since this is Christmas, the time for miracles and great love, you should probably tell Erin what you truly feel for her. While it's not fair to love both of us, it's also not fair to keep us both in limbo. Sooner or later, you're going to have to make a decision, own the hurt that it will cause, and move forward with your life, knowing that I'll always be here for you."

"Again, you sound like you know what my decision will be already."

"I think I knew from the moment you told me that it was Erin who was calling you."

"Oh."

"Yes. All right, Lexie Lou, I only have about three minutes left on my break before I have to get back into things. Is there anything that you want to talk about before I let you go?"

She hated the way he phrased that question, but also realized that he had probably spoke without thinking, and so she drew in a soft breath. "Are they at least giving you a proper Christmas meal, on the frontlines?"

"I think that we're having roast lamb. Ham isn't halal, and duck is rather difficult to get over here. But a good rack of lamb will be a nice change of pace for us this year."

"With mint jelly?"

"Of course! The rest of the dishes will be more in the tradition of our hosts, but at least we'll have one thing that might remind us of home while we work to save lives. Oh, and according to my email, your Christmas present should arrive with tomorrow's mail. You'll have to sign for it, since it was rather expensive, but I know that you'll love it."

"I'm a shit partner."

"Don't say that, Lexie Lou."

"Why not? It's true! I didn't get a gift for you, or for Erin. I didn't think it would be right for me to get her a gift, after all, and I just plain forgot for you. I'm sorry."

"Darling, there's nothing to be sorry for. You're working a new job, along with still being a professor when possible. Gifts being the last thing on your mind makes complete sense. Try not to feel guilty about that. Okay?"

"I'll try."

"That's all I ask. And now, I do have to go. I will call you again as soon as I can, but Merry Christmas, Alex."

"Merry Christmas, James," she whispered in return before hearing the beeps of a disconnected call. Letting out a heartbroken sigh, she hugged the phone tightly to her chest as she allowed herself to cry. Alex tried to tell her heart that she wasn't wallowing in self-pity, but in the back of her mind, she knew that was exactly what she was doing. Shaking her head, Alex got up from the sofa and made her way into the kitchen, making herself a cup of tea while she threw together a light lunch, not really hungry for much beyond a sandwich and some fruit.

After eating, she collapsed on the sofa once more, picking up the remote to flip through the channels on the television, wanting to find something mindless to watch in order to take her mind off the quagmire that she had become stuck in. Finally, she settled on Home Alone, letting it play in the background as she stretched out on the sofa, wrapping the blanket around her legs as she stared at the screen. Alex found comfort in John Williams's score, and she let that be her focus as she reached out for a book, wanting to read some before she got up to actually do something with the day.

Her phone rumbled against the coffee table, and she frowned a little as she set the book down on her hip, grabbing the device and looking at the screen. You know, if you are really feeling that guilty about not getting us presents, you still have a few days. I'll just get mine late, though it will be the thought that counts most of all. I just hate to think of you all alone and dwelling. Seriously, get Erin something and run it over to her house Christmas Day.

Alex let out a breathy laugh at her husband's words, knowing that he had a point. Getting to her feet, she looked down at her outfit and decided that it was perfectly serviceable for shopping. After grabbing her purse and keys, she sent off a quick text in return, letting him know that she was going to take his advice and try to find the perfect gifts for them before the day ended. Knowing that wherever she went, it would be a madhouse that close to the holiday, Alex prepared herself for that crush of people, knowing that James was right. She would feel so guilty if Erin did show up with a gift for her. After getting behind the wheel of her car, Alex thought about where she would head first, hoping that certain things about Erin hadn't changed in the years between them, as that was all she had to guide her on gift choice. James would be somewhat easy, since she knew him so well. And then, she knew exactly where to go, hoping that she hadn't left things for too late, and that she would have the courage to reach out to Erin when the holiday came around.