The summer wound down into hot, sleepy days and clear, sleepless nights. Lupin passed the full moons locked into the Weasleys' shed, Wolfsbane pounding through his veins and drowning his frenzied mind like a tranquilizer. People came and went from the Burrow all throughout August mostly as they pleased - Bill and Fleur left for a trip to Morocco; Fred, George, Angelina, and Lee headed out to prepare and open the joke shop for the coming influx of Hogwarts students; Harry and Ron often moved back and forth from the Ministry in preparation for their upcoming Auror apprenticeships. However, no matter what, everyone promised to be back together the night of August 31st, both to celebrate Ginny and Hermione heading back to school for their final year and to mark Hermione's birthday a few weeks early. She would be turning 19 on the 19th of September, but as everyone would be busy in their new roles by then - not least Hermione herself, who dismissed queries about how she wanted to observe the day with a wave of the hand and a dismissive "I'll be too busy with schoolwork" - it was agreed that it should be commemorated at the Burrow. So, the 31st was the big day, the day before they would all split apart to conquer these new, postwar lives.
Lupin was still uncertain about this "new" life. McGonagall had been sending more and more information throughout the summer about his refashioned position as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, repeatedly emphasizing how important his role would be as Hogwarts was slowly pulled back together. The students needed the comfort a good Defense Against the Dark Arts education would provide; some Death Eaters were still in hiding, and many of the children were still traumatized by what they'd experienced during the Battle. There were fears of returning to the place which they had once felt was so safe, and which had been perverted by evil. Assurances that they would be protected and also be fully able to protect themselves by the end of their studies was what had really convinced a lot of people to send their young witches and wizards back to the school for the fall semester. It was a lot of pressure to fall on his shoulders.
McGonagall had also made some vague and interesting references in her letters that made it appear to Lupin that some other serious changes were being undertaken. She mentioned new subjects being launched with new, diverse teachers; more initiatives to foster inter-House unity; and several oblique hints about the importance of attendees' mental health that made Remus think that some sort of counselor would also be introduced for the students' benefit. It was all very new to him...he honestly couldn't even remember Minerva ever saying the words "mental health" together before in his presence.
But these were extraordinary times, weren't they?
He still hadn't told anyone else at the Burrow that he would be returning to Hogwarts that year along with Ginny and Hermione. Maybe that was because, if no one knew, it would be easier to eventually convince McGonagall that he wouldn't be right for the job and sod off to somewhere else - Grimmauld Place, perhaps - and return to his solitary life. It was easier that way...easier not to face seeing the students, perhaps, which would always force his mind to see himself and his own friends in each of their faces. Hell, it was hard enough to simply look at Harry some days with the constant self-reminders that this wasn't James, and the eyes he was gazing into weren't Lily's. Remus thought that sometimes Harry sensed that turmoil within him, and so didn't try to push for a close relationship as much as he had with his godfather Sirius. Remus felt guilty about that, but Harry wasn't wrong. It was something that Lupin was still struggling to overcome. He loved the boy, but it was painful to be around him for very long.
And it wasn't that he didn't feel a sense of duty, to the school and to the wizarding world - he did, of course he did. But he also hadn't felt this uncertain of himself in quite a long time. Would he even be up to the challenge of teaching students arguably the most important subject they could possibly learn, after experiencing such a massive upheaval?
Everything was different now. He was, too. Could the title of "Professor" still encompass him? He wasn't sure. Nothing felt sure. At least the fire of war had sharpened his priorities considerably. In order: vanquish evil, avenge the deaths of his loved ones, try not to get killed.
But what came after victory? It was all a blank page. And, for Remus Lupin, a page without words was like a compass without a needle. There was no one left to help guide him. He was, truly, alone.
Molly took Ginny and Hermione to Diagon Alley for their school shopping the week before the end-of-summer fête, and Remus offered to accompany the trio and assist with anything needed. Secretively, he also intended on making some purchases of his own for the upcoming year, as it seemed more and more clear that he would have to at least report to Hogwarts on September 1st as McGonagall requested.
Maybe he could convince her that he wasn't the right fit once school started.
He clung to this hope as the group Apparated to the main street of Diagon Alley. Everything was already bustling, and there was a happy hum in the air that he hadn't felt in the shopping district since before Voldemort's return. It was...hopeful, untempered excitement. It made his heart ache, the difference of it. I wish they could see this, he thought, thinking of James, Lily, and Sirius. I wish they could see that we won.
Molly buzzed around Ginny as they crossed necessities off her Seventh Year list, and Remus noticed with a smile that it was the first time he hadn't seen the Weasley matriarch diligently counting every Knut of each item's cost in her head as they went. He wasn't quite sure of the logistics, but he knew a lot of the Ministry restructuring in the immediate aftermath of the war's conclusion also had to do with reclaiming much of the wealth and goods of the Death Eaters that had been arrested or killed in Voldemort's service and then redistributing them to victims, their families, and those who had fought. He hadn't bothered to ask much about it, as Harry had insisted to Remus that he would have access to Grimmauld Place and all the Black family wealth left to Harry for the rest of his days. It was an extraordinarily kind gesture from the boy whom he was still fighting to open himself up to. Considering Harry would only really be splitting those assets with Tonks now that the rest of the Black family tree was either dead or (unfortunately for Narcissa) married to Lucius Malfoy, Remus suspected that those holdings wouldn't dwindle anytime soon.
It comforted him to know that, at least, the Weasleys had eventually been rewarded for their steadfast devotion to the side of good. If any family deserved it, it was theirs.
Hermione, meanwhile, lingered around the shops mostly alone, picking through different textbooks and weighing quills in her hands to find the right ones. Lupin studied her as she went, and made note of some of the intriguing choices she made. Book-wise, she was purchasing some very advanced Transfiguration, Potions, and Healing texts, as well as the appropriate ingredients needed. Along with almost countless bottles of black ink, she hesitatingly added one bottle of violet ink, as if on a lark. And she thumbed through a couple of the books that had been hastily published about the Second Wizarding War, adding one by a wizard named Ambrus Hartley to her basket entitled The Good Fight: The Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's Army, and the Potter Resistance. Remus cringed to think of how much the book likely got wrong - then smiled, thinking of how thoroughly Hermione would enjoy ripping it apart.
He was surprised by some of the clothing Hermione had chosen - Ginny had always worn the flashier outfits, but it seemed Hermione planned to let loose a bit this year as well, adding some party-ready dresses to the mix. She'd told him a few weeks prior that she hadn't even applied to be Head Girl this year, which had truly shocked him at the time, but in this context it all began to make more sense. Hermione Granger would never be able to entirely "let go", but it seemed that, for Eighth Year, she intended to at least relax a little bit into normal student life. She'd earned that privilege - though Remus thought that she'd likely have a lot of trouble easing up her self-imposed standards, even if it was a goal of hers.
Before they left the Alley, Remus made sure to pick up a gift for a certain young witch's birthday later that week.
—
Ginny had whisked Hermione away while the group prepped for the party - "It's not a surprise!" Hermione had insisted, wanting to help, but her annoyance fell on deaf ears - so both the decor and the guest list came together without the witch's knowledge. As far as Remus knew her parents were still memory-wiped in Australia, so unfortunately none of her family would be present. But what a send-off she would have! It seemed everyone wanted to pay tribute to the girl who had done so much to keep Potter - not to mention the resistance - alive. And, of course, it was a big wrap-up to their "summer of love", this extended end-of-war celebration that reminded Remus much of what V-E-Day must have felt like to the Muggles in the mid century.
Kingsley Shacklebolt, the newly-appointed Acting Minister of Magic, had promised to stop by; all of the Weasleys and friends would be gathered, along with all of the survivors of the Order including McGonagall, Hestia Jones, and...Tonks.
Remus was not looking forward to the latter.
Him and Nymphadora had had a...complicated relationship, during the war. It had started with a bit of flirtation, with him still always attempting to keep her at arm's length...but fear was high, and so were emotions, and he'd found himself tumbling into bed with the younger Auror soon after her mentor Alastor Moody had been killed. He wasn't proud of this fact, and had tried to avoid taking advantage of the vulnerable situation, but she'd begged for comfort, and had made it clear it was his touch that she'd wanted. It wasn't a feeling he'd often had the chance to feel.
They'd "hooked up", so to speak, several times between then and the Battle, each of those instances in a haze of extreme circumstances and mad lust. It had been comforting to him, too. But she kept wanting to push it further, kept wanting to tell the other members of the Order and get serious and maybe even get married - but this eventuality absolutely hadn't been on Lupin's radar. They were too opposite to ever really make a proper go of a real relationship, and there was much she didn't know about him, and him about her. They had a connection in bed, of course, and in their mutual passion for fighting for good...but that was where it ended for him. He admired her greatly, but this summer spent mostly apart from her aside from random drop-bys to the Burrow had solidified that he hadn't really missed her, but rather had missed having a physical connection. It had become clear that she just wasn't the one for him. Maybe there would never be a "one". In fact, that was what he expected.
Tonks, however, wasn't one to let go without a fight, and Remus dreaded the inevitable.
Twilight had fallen over the Ottery St Catchpole countryside, and small tealight candles were floating in the orchard, scattered across the sky and lighting up the evening like a swarm of fireflies. A burst of violet color (Hermione's favorite, as Molly had insisted) enveloped the area, from the table coverings to the present wrappings to a large backdrop where a rickety old wizard named Barnabas had set up his enchanted camera to take photos of the guests. The glasses and plates were emerald green, Ginny's favorite, and a little cake for her had been set up next to Hermione's large book-shaped confection so Ginny wouldn't feel left out of the festivities - after all, it was a bit of a celebration for her, too, for leaving for her final year. Viktor Krum had sent what could only be called a gigantic flower arrangement for the evening with his regrets at not being able to attend, and Remus swore he saw a fairy or two dancing around the thousands of lavender petals. Of course, when Ron saw the display, he scowled and muttered, "Show off."
The group gathered on the makeshift dance floor, and as music began to play, Remus spotted Ginny Weasley pop into view at the far end of the orchard. Ginny, clad in a sparkling, figure-hugging floor-length dress, marveled at the entire setup as the group cheered her arrival. "She'll be coming in a moment," the girl assured the crowd, and Remus fingered the small box in his pocket absentmindedly. Ginny skipped over to Harry, whose appreciative eyes had turned as wide as saucers, and Remus chuckled to himself at this. His mirth, though, was cut short by Hermione Apparating into view.
She was...stunning.
Not as bold as Ginny or nearly as confident, but her quiet beauty was enough to make Lupin swallow his laugh and simply stare at her, striding across the orchard to the party as the group applauded. She, too, wore a long dress, not as form-fitting as Ginny's of course but quite breathtaking all the same. He thought at first it was black, but no - as it shone under the thousand candles, he saw that it was actually an extremely dark opalescent blue, with off-the-shoulder straps that accentuated her smooth, lightly freckled shoulders. Her hair was long and wavy, and Lupin detected the glitter of dark gems twisted into her locks, holding back the loose strands from her face. Ron whistled when she made it to the dance floor and she flushed, embarrassed but smiling. "Bloody hell, Hermione, you haven't looked like this in ages."
Harry elbowed him but Hermione laughed, shaking her head at the boy. "I'll take that as a compliment, Ronald, thank you."
It flit across Lupin's mind that Ron was wrong, though, and that she had looked as beautiful recently; in fact she'd been so all summer. He thought of her standing before him in the half-moonlight and realized that she'd been just as captivating then, barefooted and barefaced with tousled hair and a prim white nightgown. His throat became suddenly dry at this recognition.
There was something about the dropping feeling in his stomach that he didn't like.
A/N: This is part 1 of Hermione's birthday party at the Burrow - next chapter will be the rest from her POV!
I so appreciate any thoughts or feedback you may have...and truly hope you're enjoying the story! Thanks for all the kudos and comments so far :) Song referenced in chapter title is "O Children" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.