Disclaimer: SVU and all of its characters were created by and are the property of Dick Wolf. I make no profit with this story, which is my own original work.
Elliot had been under the impression that given the events of the day that had led to an extreme adrenaline rush, that he would have been sufficiently exhausted enough to sink into a dreamless sleep once his head hit the pillow. Combine that with the fact of how Olivia had helped him unwind earlier with their shared shower and uniquely intimate encounter that had deeply touched his soul, he had hoped that sharing a bed and being in close proximity with his partner once more would have continued to keep his mind at peace. Unfortunately, the memories of what he had endured only a few days ago mixed with the horrors of the past blended together to make his nightmares a virtual untold hell.
Currently, he was reliving that fateful day in Ohio a little over a year ago, made to witness on an endless loop his utter helplessness as the woman he loved was struck down by a bullet – each time with mixed results. Sometimes, the wound was thankfully as benign as it had been in actuality, and he was able to carry his partner out to safety guided by her direction. Others, he remained blinded, and watched through vision blurred both by a chemical irritant as well as his own tears as Olivia bled out beneath his palms.
Unaware that his cries of anguish were audible to the woman slumbering beside him, Elliot only quieted when he felt a gentle hand settle against his breastbone. The gesture was equal parts soothing and grounding, and when he inhaled sharply to try and force air into his oxygen starved lungs, he caught not the scent of the jasmine perfume that he easily recognized when Olivia had first arrived the other day, but rather a hint of the body wash and shampoo he had lathered her skin and hair with earlier that evening. Both were a fragrance that were equally familiar.
"You with me, El?"
Not trusting the strength of his voice enough to speak, Elliot instead managed a nod, and forced his eyes open. The look of utter compassion and tenderness he was met with was almost enough to make him weep. Laying his fingers atop the hand that was already resting against his chest, he allowed that tactile touch to further calm him, until ultimately he was able to utter the apology sitting on his lips.
"I'm sorry."
"There is nothing you need to apologize for. Did you want me to get you some water, or would you rather we just lay here for a few moments like this?"
No matter how grateful he was for the reprieve he had been offered, Elliot couldn't bear the thought of Olivia leaving his side – even if it was only for a few precious seconds to get him something to drink.
"Stay."
Fully expecting his partner to remain just as she was, Elliot was nonetheless pleasantly surprised when she snuggled even closer, laying her head directly above his heart and draping an arm around his waist, mindful of his tender ribs. As his own hold tightened reflexively in return, Elliot buried his nose deep within Olivia's chestnut tresses, and allowed the soft tendrils to tickle his face.
Eventually, Elliot was able to feel calm reign once more. Despite his more relaxed disposition, he was reluctant to let go of the woman in his arms, and he selfishly hoped that Olivia wouldn't move any time soon, even if he knew that he didn't deserve to hold her so closely. The fact that she was still here with him spoke volumes, however, and despite the nagging inner voice that kept trying to convince him that his partner would one day have her fill and turn her back on him for good, she kept showing up whenever he needed her – even when he hadn't been able to offer the same courtesy all those years ago. The reminder was more than he could bear, and soon another strangled sob caught in the back of Elliot's throat, and Olivia was immediately consoling him once more.
"It's okay, El. I've forgiven you for what happened back then. I'm not going to lie to you and say I wasn't hurt by what you did, but I know that wasn't your intention. You were in a dark place at the time, just as you are right now. But this time we can get through it together."
"You're already helping more than you know, Liv."
Olivia pulled away, not to retreat from the embrace, but so she could softly brush her lips against Elliot's in a kiss reminiscent of the one they had shared earlier that evening. Much as before, it was completely chaste, equal parts comforting and soothing, but with so much love behind it.
"Let me get you some water, and a cool cloth for your face. I think I managed to wake you up before you worked up too much of a sweat, unless you felt the need to change clothes or move to the other bed?"
"No, I'm good. I will take that drink, though. My mouth is dry as hell."
"You've got it."
A few minutes later, the partners were settled back under the covers together, having gravitated to a similar position as they were previously. This time, Elliot allowed himself to be a bit more bold with his touch, stroking his fingers through Olivia's hair, an action that seemed to be calming for them both. Within minutes, Elliot was able to drift back to sleep, and once she heard the slow, steady exhales of her partner's breathing even out, Olivia was quick to follow him in slumber.
When Elliot woke the next morning, he was laying on his side, and for one very terrifying moment, he was convinced that the past few days had been nothing but a dream. Then he realized that his arm was wrapped around another human being, holding that person close to his body, spooning his own form around the woman as though sharing a bed were something they did on a regular basis. For all intents and purposes, Olivia appeared to still be asleep, her exhales coming at regular intervals and nothing else to indicate that she might be stirring.
Reflexively snuggling closer to his partner, Elliot instinctively froze the instant that it dawned on him that his body must have responded to their close proximity to one another. No matter how much the logical side of his brain tried to argue that he hadn't done anything inappropriate, he couldn't help but feel as though he had somehow crossed that one invisible boundary that had been so finely drawn for so many years. It didn't matter that they had shared a shower together the night before or that what had just happened was a natural biological response. The thought running on repeat through Elliot's mind was that Olivia was sound asleep, and therefore incapable of granting consent.
As it turned out, Elliot's self loathing as effective as a cold shower, and just as he was about to pull away, his morning erection withered, right along with spirits. Holding his breath and hoping that the woman in his arms hadn't been aware of his betrayal, Elliot lay perfectly still, afraid of not only shattering the peace of the moment, but having potentially ruined what inroads had been made between himself and his partner. So lost was he in his own torment, that he didn't hear the gentle voice calling his name, not until it had been repeated for the third time, and he felt the touch of soft fingers intertwining with his own.
"El?"
Tongue tied, and not sure what to say, though his first instinct was to apologize, Elliot froze. That action was quite the feat, considering how still he was already holding his body. It was only when he felt Olivia begin to shift that he felt his heart begin to shatter and crack in his chest, and he braced himself for her inevitable departure. Instead of pulling away, however, the beautiful brunette laying next to him merely rolled over until they were facing one another. Resting her palm against the side of his face, she searched his eyes imploringly with her own. Though she had yet to say anything else, it was almost as if she were making certain she had his full attention. Not sure how he was able to function, Elliot managed a nod, the only indication that he was listening.
"You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not going anywhere. In fact, since it's still so early, I thought we could both try and get some more sleep. You had a rough night, the rest would do you good."
She wasn't angry with him. Realistically, Elliot had known that would be the case, but it still felt good to hear. Likewise, what his partner had suggested sounded like the best idea ever. Despite still experiencing a fair amount of physical pain, the last thing Elliot wanted right now was to move from the relative luxury of the bed. For a budget motel, the mattress was surprisingly comfortable, the pillows and blankets both plush and soft. If only his bladder weren't making an annoyance of itself, he could happily stay exactly where he was.
Even though he hadn't said anything out loud, Elliot knew his expression must have given him away. The corner of Olivia's mouth twitched up ever so slightly, but he knew she wasn't laughing at his misfortune. If anything, she was likely in the same predicament herself. Plus, his partner had also intuited the other problem he was currently wrestling with in his mind, and had already come up with a a suitable solution.
"You can go ahead and use the bathroom first, El. I'll get you one of your pain pills. While it won't be perfect, if you eat one of those granola bars I brought with me before you take it, at least you won't have an empty stomach. We can always order something more substantial once we've gotten a couple more good hours."
"Thanks, Liv."
Ten minutes later, the two were settled back under the covers. Feeling more assured than before, Elliot didn't protest when Olivia yet again molded her body close to his. Granted, there was a small part of him that was worried about a repeat occurrence, but his partner had made it more than clear that she didn't fault him for what had happened earlier, and had no such concerns.
For the first time since his encounter with Eric Bonner, Elliot also felt comfortable enough in turning the television off. The sound of Olivia breathing next to him, and the feeling of her heartbeat against his was exactly what he needed to keep him sane. Just as he had the night before, he brought his hand to his partner's head and began a slow, steady, rhythm of raking his fingers through her chestnut tresses. Even though he had long since given up on the ability to grow his own hair – having embraced baldness – Elliot couldn't help but be disappointed that Olivia would not be able to return the favor. No sooner had the idea crossed his mind than he felt a feather light touch against his scalp, and his wish was coming true. As the medication began to take effect, the stronger parts of the pain started to ebb away, and Elliot gave himself over to slumber. Maybe, just maybe, going back home wouldn't be so bad after all. At least not as long as the woman in his arms would be by his side.
Thankfully, Elliot's second attempt at sleep in the early morning hours was much more successful. He couldn't recall any of his dreams, but he was fairly certain that he hadn't been haunted by any past or recent memories. He was equally grateful for the fact that his body hadn't betrayed him yet again, because while Olivia had definitely been compassionate and understanding after the occurrence that had happened earlier, he wasn't sure she would forgive him if it happened twice within such a short period of time.
Easing himself out of bed carefully so as not to disturb his partner, Elliot got to his feet. Padding into the bathroom, he went about his morning routine. By the time he'd returned to the main part of their shared motel room, he had come to a decision. While he might not be in the mood to socialize with people yet in terms of having breakfast out at the local diner, the least he could do was order in a meal so it would be ready by the time Olivia woke up. Especially after everything she'd been doing for his benefit lately.
After using his phone to schedule a delivery of both food and coffee, Elliot also made what he felt was a pivotal step forward – he sent a message to his therapist. It had been awhile since he'd had a proper appointment, a lot longer than he probably should have gone, but after everything that had happened, he definitely needed to touch base. Olivia had been a great support system, but he couldn't take advantage of his partner's kindness and generosity without at least attempting to made an endeavor for the sake of his own health.
Having been fortunate enough to contact his psychiatrist before the start of official hours, Elliot had received a prompt response. Within minutes, a visit was scheduled in three days time. He realized that limited his ability to procrastinate much longer in going back to the city, but he couldn't delay the inevitable forever. In fact, if everything went well, his goal was to leave tomorrow. If he hesitated any longer, Elliot was worried he would change his mind completely, plus there was Olivia to consider, too. No matter how much his partner had assured him that everything was handled, he knew she'd need to get back to her son. Plus, the invitation that had been extended for him to stay at the Benson residence for a few days was more than enough to give him the necessary encouragement to take the next step in heading home.
Hearing a noise behind him, Elliot turned to face the bed. He felt his heart pull when Olivia shifted in her sleep and instinctively sought him out. Her arm reached, and it was only in finding an empty space beside her that the brunette eventually stirred to consciousness, concern written on her features.
"El, are you okay?"
"I am. I didn't wake up that much before you. Just long enough to get some things sorted and arrange to have breakfast on the way."
The smile with which he was rewarded with was everything to Elliot. Combine that with the comfort that Olivia wasn't pressing for details – not that he'd ever thought she would. He intended to tell her while they were eating about what he had done, and what his plans were in regard to leaving Westbrook, but he still needed some time to come to terms with the idea himself.
Rubbing her palms over her face, Olivia made an attempt to wake herself up even more. Elliot watched as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, and then gestured with one hand toward the adjoining bathroom.
"Do you mind if I - ?"
"Go right ahead. I've already had my turn. I think my bandages are okay for the time being, considering you changed them so late last night."
"You're probably right about that."
Grabbing some of her clothes, Olivia stepped into the enclosed room. Deciding to take advantage of the opportunity, Elliot also got dressed for the day. While he was still experiencing a good deal of discomfort as a result of his injuries, he was moving considerably better today than he had been previously. He took that as a good sign of progress. By the time his partner returned several minutes later, he had just collected the delivery that had arrived, and was in the process of setting it up on the table.
"Perfect timing, Liv. Breakfast just got here. I didn't get much, but I remembered your coffee order."
"Thank you for that. It smells amazing."
As the two got seated and began to eat, Elliot tried to figure out the best way to start the conversation. Ultimately he realized it was easiest to go with the truth.
"So, I mentioned earlier that I had gotten some things sorted before you woke up. I wanted you to know I called my therapist and made myself an appointment."
Olivia reached out, placing her hand on top of Elliot's and squeezing gently.
"That's great, El. If you need me to come with you, I will."
"I appreciate that. I also had a little time to do some thinking, and I know I can't stay here forever. Even if my visit with my shrink wasn't in three days time, you need to get home, too. I thought maybe we could leave either tomorrow or the day after?"
There was an expression that crossed his partner's features that Elliot couldn't quite decipher, but it was gone before he could fully register its meaning.
"Don't worry about me, El. I don't want you doing anything before you're ready for it. I'm here for you for as long as you need me. That being said, I support you in whatever you decide."
"That's good to hear, because there is something else I haven't said yet – and that is that I've decided to accept your offer. As long as I won't be in the way, I'd love to stay with you for a few days once we get back to the city."
"Of course. Stay as long as you need."
Despite his earlier belief that wasn't going to want to leave the room – especially after the events of the previous day – Elliot found himself experiencing a bit of cabin fever not long after breakfast. He wouldn't have described his mood as overly agitated, merely restless. There was no way he could hide it from Olivia, not that he even wanted to. She could read him like a book as it was, and they had already spent far too long running from one another to keep repeating the mistakes of the past. Instead, he reached for the hand of the woman sitting next to him, needing that tactile touch to fortify his strength, even though he was well aware she'd never deny his request.
"What would you say to getting out of here for a bit?"
"Sounds good to me. Do you have anyplace in particular in mind?"
The truth of the matter was, Elliot did have a place in mind, he just didn't want to reveal it just yet. Not until he was certain he'd have the nerve to actually go there. Thankfully, he had never really needed to explain himself or his motives to his partner. With one glance, she had understood immediately, and the subject was dropped entirely.
"Don't worry about it, El. We can always figure that out later. In the meantime, did you want to relax for a bit, or would you rather do something else?"
"In all honesty, Liv, if I have to rest in that bed for anything other than sleeping, I'm going to go insane."
Though she made her best effort to hide her smile, the news that Elliot had just shared wasn't surprising to Olivia in the least. They were both cut from the same cloth, and hated to keep idle for very long. Even when they were injured, they each had a need to be almost constantly on the move. However, given Elliot's current physical condition, excess activity was not a wise idea. All the same, she could easily understand his restlessness. Plus Olivia was willing to bet her pension that wasn't the only thing at the forefront of her partner's mind.
"I'm guessing you're going to want to check in on Chief Bonner, too?"
"Read my mind, Liv."
"Why don't you give Meredith a call, and see if she needs anything? We can always go for a drive and stop in at the station while we're out. Something tells me that's where we'll find her."
Yet again, Elliot knew that Olivia's guess would be right on the money. He also liked her idea of taking a drive together. While he knew it would still take some time for his brain to get back on track completely, he welcomed the opportunity to be able to try and center himself. Especially with what he had in mind for later that afternoon. While there was a niggling sense of warning in the pit of his of gut that he might be pushing himself too far, too soon, Elliot knew that he could not leave Westbrook without facing at least one of the ghosts he'd encountered here. And the last thing he wanted was for the haunting to follow him back to the city. He needed to be free.
Belatedly, Elliot realized that he had once again gotten lost in the mire of his own spiraling thoughts. Olivia had been trying to talk to him, to ask him something. For how long his partner had been attempting to get his attention, he wasn't certain, only that he had inadvertently heightened her concern once more. Giving the woman sitting across from him a weary smile, he attempted to alleviate her worries.
"Sorry, Liv. I was just daydreaming. What was it you were asking me?"
"I just wanted to know if you were okay going out dressed as you are, or if you needed to change?"
"I'm good."
After grabbing a few items – not much, just a couple snacks to stick in her purse on the chance that they might get hungry while traveling around, along with two bottles of water from the mini fridge – Olivia snagged her keys and shoved her feet into her sneakers. As she headed for the door, Elliot was right by her side, sunglasses already on to match the pair of aviators that were perched on top of her head.
There was something about walking out to face the day together, in tandem, that felt so right and so natural. It was familiar, while at the same time foreign. Even after the amount of time he'd been back in the States, Elliot still couldn't get used to the fact that this woman who he had wronged so terribly had allowed him back into her life. Even more mind blowing that she was considering the possibility of them becoming something more. The intimacy they had shared the night prior was burned indelibly in his mind, and he saw it every time he closed his eyes. Not just those precious moments in the shower, but the solace of sleeping so close to one another in the bed at a time when it wasn't necessary for reasons of practicality.
Letting himself into the passenger seat of his partner's SUV, Elliot put his pride aside just as he had done the day before to allow Olivia to help him buckle in. Even though he hadn't said anything yesterday, his mind having been too cluttered to mention it, it definitely hadn't escaped his notice today that the shoulder harness of the seat belt was covered with a padded cushion, specifically designed to be more gentle to his already injured ribs. Logic told him that it was a resource that Olivia herself had used previously, likely after her own vicious attack more than a year prior. She really had thought of everything to ensure his comfort.
In a few minutes time, they were on their way to town, in particular the Westbrook police station. In an effort to ensure that their mission wouldn't be a failed one, Elliot had messaged ahead to contact Meredith Bonner. After confirming that she was, in fact, at work, he relayed that information to his partner.
What Elliot hadn't been expecting, but was put at ease immediately when it happened was when Olivia took one hand off the wheel to link her fingers with his. It was reminiscent of the time she had accompanied him to Fort Lee to get Eli. The gesture was instantly grounding, and he felt his breathing even out the second their skin came into contact with one another's. Just as he had that night, he allowed himself the luxury of rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, luxuriating in the simple touch. No matter what else happened today, this is where he would draw his strength.
While she hadn't been able to spend much time with them, Meredith Bonner had indeed been grateful for the reprieve that Olivia and Elliot's visit had afforded her. Both were concerned for the woman being back at work already, but they each understood her position. She had a lot to make up for to try and undo the spate of corruption put in place under her father's hand, and needed to dig deep to see just how much of her department and town had been affected. Nonetheless, the Chief made sure to embrace each of them before they had left, holding on extra tight to Elliot, issuing a specific word of thanks for his having opened her eyes.
Now, the two partners were on their own once more, driving together in silence. Elliot had given a few minimal directions as he guided Olivia to the place he wanted to show her the most. Any previous anxiety had all but evaporated after meeting with Meredith Bonner, and while there was still some tension in the pit of his stomach, he knew he what he needed to face before he could put this place behind him completely.
No matter how ready he thought he was, Elliot still wasn't prepared by the time Olivia pulled up to the beach. It wasn't the same one where he had uncovered Rita's body, or where the unfortunate discovery of the other victims of Eric Bonner had been found. However, this place had a special significance for Elliot, as it was where he had mourned the losses so openly – and attempted to atone for the guilt that he carried. Somewhere among the grains of stand still lay a pile of ash from the charred remains of his copy of The Count of Monte Cristo, along with whatever was left of the necklace he had left behind to burn. Even though he had already confessed to his partner what he had done while locked so deeply in his grief, Elliot needed to return, to have Olivia bear witness to his actions. He didn't want those items back, it was more about the confirmation that what had happened the last time he set foot on these particular grounds hadn't been a figment of his imagination.
Since he had finally explained his motives during the last five to ten minutes of the drive, Olivia had perfect understand of why they were here. Still, the last thing she wanted to do was push Elliot to do something before he was ready.
"We can sit here as long as you like, El."
"No, I need to do this."
Unbuckling her seat belt, Olivia got out of the vehicle first, walking around to the passenger side. There she waited for her partner, holding out her hand in a show of support. Elliot didn't hesitate to grab hold, and once he was standing beside her, threaded their fingers together as they made their way up the path toward to the beach.
Despite the fact that only a few days time had past since he had last been here, the ruins of what he had left behind were few and far between. At first, Elliot was surprised, until he remembered the rains the town had been dealing with. Aside from a small fragment of leather binding, the book had been completely reduced to ash. As for his necklace, it was scorched beyond recognition, and warped from the heat of the flames. While he would grieve the loss of his once ever present talisman, Elliot no longer saw himself as someone who was worthy to bear it, at least not right now. His faith was still so shaken, and until he could feel like less of a fraud – the tattoo inked on his skin mocked him enough – he didn't want to tempt fate. Because it seemed like whenever he did, it was always an innocent who paid the price on his behalf.
Before Elliot even fully realized what was happening, he was on his knees, fists clenched at his sides. He was rocking himself back and forth, and from somewhere, he could hear a low keening sound. Belatedly, he became aware that the noise was emanating from somewhere deep within his throat. Yet, just when he thought he was about drown in his own despair, two arms wrapped around him, and he was pulled against a soft, but incredibly solid form. Surrounded by the same comforting scent of perfume that had grounded him when Olivia had first arrived in his motel room a few days prior, Elliot allowed himself to bury his nose in the juncture between her neck and shoulder, and gave himself over to his tears.
Unlike the few times in the past when he'd allowed himself to cry on his partner's shoulder, this release of emotion was incredibly cathartic. When a light but steady rain began to fall, neither of them pulled away, but held on to one another even more closely. Elliot knew he would never forget what had transpired in the city of Westbrook, the losses that had happened, nor the trauma he had endured, but he was finally beginning to feel that he wouldn't be chained here indefinitely. He could return to the city he called home, especially with this woman by his side.
Spent, Elliot pulled back, and closed his eyes as he felt Olivia's lips ghost across his forehead. With the pain in his ribs protesting his current position, he allowed his partner to help him to his feet. Wordlessly, the communicated with one another, and it was understood without him having to speak aloud that he was ready to leave this place behind. Hand in hand they walked back to the car, where Olivia stopped to grab a towel from the back to dry them off a bit.
"If you want, we can pick up some takeout on our way back, or we can always order something in once we get settled."
"Let's wait until we get back. I don't have the energy to stop anywhere."
"You've got it."
Buckled in once more, Elliot allowed himself to drop his guard. Secure in Olivia's driving, he felt comfortable enough to close his eyes and doze as she drove them back to the motel, knowing that when they got back, he'd have to summon his courage once more. There was something else he wanted to ask her, and while he didn't feel like he had a right to make the request, something told him he wouldn't be denied. And then tomorrow, they could finally go home – together.
A/N: Just an FYI: With the recent spate of issues on FF dot net and the frequency of notifications being down more often than not, I've been starting to rely on AO3 more often than not. Rest assured, I will not abandon any story here or leave one unfinished, but AO3 is starting to become my preferred site. I have the same username there, so if you'd like, you can follow me over there as well. But like I said, I will continue to post all my active stories on here until their completion, so you don't have to worry about missing anything.