Sasuke
The moment Sasuke had agreed to receive a hive they had pulled out paperwork. Reams of it. He signed requisitions for kikaichu care books, early hive growth materials, a detailed and nearly unreadable paper that categorized the particular strain of kikaichu he was to receive and all of its traits, and a lot of legal forms that essentially said, over a span for twenty pages, that he did not hold the Aburame clan responsible for accidents or problems, and that the kikaichu he would receive would become his legal property.
Having signed all the forms, Shibi and Shino had escorted him past the airlock he had seen previously, a long series of doors designed to seal to the point of being airtight. In each room, a light of a different color lit the area, from blue to green to violet, and the floor had vibrated. Shino explained that the airlocks were designed to trigger different effects from different breeds of kikaichu, allowing visitors to discern if they had any stowaways.
Sasuke noticed Shibi and Shino let out very small and very similar sighs at the end of the third room. When the older man noticed he was being watched, he gave a small smile. "Agitating kikaichu is uncomfortable for us, akin to an itch you cannot scratch. I always disliked this procedure, but follow it anyhow. It is important. Remember that, should you come here again." Sasuke nodded, remembering the talk of contamination from earlier.
From there, they had lead him into a shockingly bright hallway, painted solid white and lit with long tube lights on the ceiling. The hallway was long, straight, and carved into a squared off and even shape, making it stand out after the warren that was the Aburame residential area. At the end of the hall was a small room containing baggy white one piece suits along the walls and a second airlock, this one guarded by an Aburame with the same sort of suit on. Each suit had tight fitting closures on the arms, legs, and neck, as well as a strange, tubular hat that strapped from forehead to the nape of the neck and held back Sasuke's hair.
"We take potential cross contamination seriously," said Shibi as he and Shino stepped into their suits and began to seal them. "This keeps our hives from leaving, and keeps other kikaichu from trying to hide within us. Remember that, should you come here again."
From there, they entered yet another set of airlocks, same as the first, but beyond them was a much dimmer example of the previous hallway, this one sloping downward in a gentle spiral. It was still a brilliant white and still carved smooth and straight, but the lighting was more subdued. "It is designed this way," explained Shino, "To give insects no opportunity to hide. All who pass through here are to watch carefully and report any insect they see in this room that is not their own, and expected to keep their hives fully within them. Remember that, should you come here again."
They walked for several minutes, slowly spiraling downward. They passed many metal doors, each one labeled with an elaborate numbering system. They also passed several Aburame as they did so, most of them pushing carts laden with bottles and glass containers. Each nodded politely to all three as they passed, and they all returned the acknowledgement. "These people," said Shibi quietly, "are the caretakers. They feed those hives that are not implanted, keeping a safe breeding stock for future hives. They have no hive of their own, only the pathways, and instead go from hive to hive. To not have their own hive is an unpleasant thing, and yet they all are volunteers for the work. Be respectful of them, they can help you if you have questions."
"Remember that, should I come here again?" Sasuke asked, with a small smile. Shibi nodded, deadly serious, but from the corner of his eye, Sasuke saw Shino look away and smirk just slightly.
Eventually, Shibi stopped in front of a door. This door was marked differently from the others, saying "XX-EXP" instead of following the number system. The door opened to reveal a room that was much darker than the hallway had been, shrouding the room beyond in impenetrable gloom. Sasuke heard the click of his host's glasses being put away over the background sound of humming insects, and resolved then and there to get a pair for future visits.
It took several minutes for his eyes to adjust well enough to see the room and its contents, during which time Shibi and Shino remained at his side, silently waiting. Once he was able to see, he realized that this room was lined on either side with hundreds of small, clear boxes, each one with a label. He leaned in to look closer and saw that each box had an elaborate code printed carefully on it, and each one contained a single insect of some sort. Some were obviously damaged, like the one with an extra set of wings that interfered with the original set, leaving the entire misshapen insect nothing to do but crawl around the box, dragging its wings forlornly. Others looked identical to what Sasuke was used to seeing from Shino, but each was held separate and labeled differently.
At the very end of the room was a large glass door, beyond which Sasuke could see a lone man leaning over a desk with an upper section made of glass and a lower section of stone. On either side of the desk, Sasuke could see a clear box, slightly larger than the ones in the room, and inside the desk, he saw two kikaichu flying leisurely in circles.
Shibi walked over and tapped on the glass door, causing the man to look up at them. He wore his hair much like Shino did, a disorganized and ragged cut, but the man's hair was much longer, resulting in what could only be called a mess of hair surrounding his head, all white with age. His fluffy beard and goatee, combined with that hair, resulted in a look that could only be described as "surprised cotton ball." The man was obviously an elder, his face lined with the onset of old age, and he raised himself from his stooped position slowly.
But most shocking of all, when the man saw Sasuke, he smiled. Not some small, barely noticed uptick of the lips, but a genuine smile, one that could rival Naruto's in jovial grandeur. "Ahh, Shibi, Shino," he said cheerfully, "I see you have brought the young man you spoke so well of finally!" The old man looked at his desk for a moment, checking that it was sealed properly, then made his way to the glass doors and opened them, waving the three of them inside. "Come in, come in, let's have a look."
He eyed Sasuke from toes to crown, and his smile only grew larger. "A healthy young man, in good condition. An excellent subject!" He stuck out a hand. "I am Aburame Tobokonchu, and it is a pleasure to meet you, Uchiha. Please, call me Tobo."
Sasuke shook the man's hand hesitantly, and Tobo started to laugh. "Yes," he said, "I know, strange for a Aburame to be so expressive, right?" He shot a grin at Shibi, whose face did not change. "I spent a lot of time outside the hive in my youth, unlike my distant nephew here, and it rubbed off on me." He chuckled and wandered over to his desk. He pressed a hand to the glass, shutting his eyes and humming to himself until the insects within went into their individual boxes, which closed around them. Once they had shut, Tobo pulled each box and carried them back into the storage room outside, sliding them into place. He then moved along the left wall until he was some distance away and leaned into squint at the number on the box before him. He nodded to himself, pulled the box, and walked quickly back into the room.
"I see you're slated for XX-109a, the end product of my life's work, the Kikaichu Enhancement Program." He hummed merrily to himself as he reached below the glass portion of the table, pulling up a clipboard bulging with paper, which he started to thumb through. "I have been working on this for some time," he continued, flipping page after page. "It took more than fifteen hundred generations before I finally got it right, you know. I still don't know why the one breed keeps ending up with additional wings, or the ones that started eating flesh instead of chakra, but I managed to weed those inconsistencies out after another twenty or so generations." He looked up from the paper, and seeing Sasuke sitting calmly, frowned. "You're not worried about these insects eating you in your sleep?"
Sasuke shook his head. "I trust Shibi-sama and Shino, and they have given me a reasonable explanation of the risks involved. As they did not mention my flesh being consumed in my sleep, I am assuming either you're deliberately trying to rile me up and scare me away, or else you were successful in your breeding efforts."
"Damn," replied Tobo, his smile returning to his face. "You already talk like one of us. Excellent!" He stepped around the desk and looked Sasuke in the eye, his face serious. "Uchiha-kun, I am very glad for this, but listen. The process will hurt, a great deal, and the more you encourage them, the faster they'll expand and the more it will hurt. It will feel like they are eating you alive. This is not what is happening, but it will feel exactly as you would expect. Do not swat at your skin. Do not poke at the holes. Do not push them any harder than you can handle. And when in doubt, withdraw your chakra from the queen's location, and they will stop expanding. Got it?"
Sasuke nodded, and Tobo clapped his hands and practically pranced back around the desk. He reached down and dug into the stone portion of the desk, eventually pulling up a small bottle with a thick needle attached. He hummed to himself, opening the bottle, then the box containing the queen. He held out a finger, and the queen flew over and landed on it. Tobo smiled at it as if it was his own child, then raised his hand towards Sasuke for inspection.
Sasuke was rather surprised. The queen was twice as large as a normal kikaichu, with a longer abdomen and a thicker shell that closed over its wings. Also, unlike normal kikaichu, the queen shimmered with iridescence, the color of her carapace shifting from green to blue to purple depending on how the light hit it. For a mere insect, he thought as he watched it shimmer and dance on Tobo's fingers, she is beautiful. She rotated on her perch on Tobo's hand and wiggled the two feelers on her head at Sasuke, and Sasuke found himself fighting an urge to return the greeting with his fingers.
"Go on," said Tobo, still smiling, "Say hello, Uchiha-kun."
Sasuke raised his two fingers and imitated the movement she had made as well as he could. The queen buzzed for a moment, her shell lifting to reveal a double pair of translucent wings, then took off, flying around Sasuke's head several times before landing on his shoulder, where he could feel her thrumming at him.
"Kikaichu are not sentient," said Shibi, his lips slightly upturned. "They have no sense of self beyond the overall health of the hive, and no language that can be directly translated by us. But they do have some degree of intelligence, just like any other companion. They will speak to you in code, with the sound of their wings and the tap of their feet and the wiggle of their limbs. This code I will help you learn, but much of it will be learned by you and her together. Your code is singular, as is your hive. And they do seem to appreciate a good host."
Tobo laughed and clapped his hands again, and Shibi's face returned to its normal stoic blankness. "Ahhh, I love when one of my people actually admits to enjoying life in a manner others understand," he said cheerfully. "I always appreciate the effort involved." He walked over to Sasuke and held the bottle out, allowing the queen to back into it before snapping the needle shut.
"Uchiha-kun," he said, "Please focus your chakra wherever it is you intend to keep your queen. Do not tell me where it is, nor anyone else. Should the queen die, your hive will become unstable and unhelpful until a new queen can be transformed from a drone, which takes days. She is your link to it, and thus, a weakness."
Sasuke thought for a moment, then focused his chakra to his left shoulder, just below his shoulder blade. Then Shibi gave a slight cough, and Sasuke turned to look at him, only to feel a sudden and painful stabbing sensation on his back. Before he could flinch away, the needle was out, and Tobo was already returning to his desk.
"The queen is now sensing where you want her to nest. However, the sensation of her reaching that point is unpleasant. Thankfully the species began its evolution into a shinobi ally as a parasite, so she will instinctively wait until you sleep to make the initial transition. When you wake up tomorrow she will be ready to begin, her eggs already hatched into drones. The new drones will start to make your pathways, just under your skin. It will hurt as they make the pathway, but once they have made it, the pain will cease. The area will be tender, but that will fade quickly. Meanwhile," he smiled in a manner that looked almost manic, and reached down into the desk again, "I have some forms for you to sign…"
Sasuke woke up the next day with his back slightly sore in a line that ran from his injection point to his left shoulder. He could feel the occasional tap of the queen's legs under his skin, and while the sensation was strange, knowing what it was, it was not nearly as unpleasant as he had expected. Or maybe Shino just prepared me well enough.
He got up and made his way to the kitchen, pouring himself a small glass of water. To that, he added a spoonful of what Tobokonchu insisted on calling Royal Jelly, even after Shibi had pointed out it was actually a powder. The diluted medicine was disgusting, cloyingly sweet and bitter at the same time, but Sasuke choked it down without complaint. "This will loosen your skin slightly," Shibi had said as he was explaining the things Sasuke was receiving for his early hive care. "It also has a mild numbing agent. Both of these will make it easier on you and your hive as they start to spread. Take it each morning and each night."
With nothing better to do, Sasuke cleaned up his futon and sat at his kitchen table, an interesting book on the differences between poisons and venoms waiting for him, as was his breakfast. He then took a deep breath and focused his chakra on the location he had chosen for the queen, willing her to begin. Let's see how bad this will be.
The effect was immediate. A searing pain started in his shoulder, a sensation akin to a knife being dragged through his skin, and Sasuke hissed in surprise at how sharp it felt. He retracted his chakra, and the pain stopped. Shit, he thought, taking a deep breath. They were serious when they said it would hurt. He stilled his beating heart, then focused even more chakra at the queen.
The pain increased dramatically, and Sasuke had to stop after a minute, the pain having moved only a quarter inch at best. Sasuke grit his teeth, knowing that he was in for a lot of suffering, and decided he was more inclined to try and go for a walk to hopefully distract himself. He knew for certain that the book would not hold his attention under such an onslaught.
Kakashi spotted Sasuke from the tavern, where he was discussing with Anko how he should spend his winnings of the bets he had already won. She was laughing uprorously at his retelling of his confrontation with Yasui Kaz about the wording of their bet, and as she did so, he happened to glance out the window and saw Sasuke passing by, his posture slumped and his teeth grit. He excused himself quickly, getting a miffed snort from his companion, and dashed out to catch the boy.
"Yo, my cute stude… Are you ok, Sasuke?"
Kakashi did not ask that question on a whim. Sasuke looked terrible, covered in sweat and panting slightly, his skin slightly pale and his eyes somewhat bloodshot. It looked like his little genin was having a heart attack, and while that was highly unlikely, Kakashi was not a medic. He was ready to grab Sasuke and dash for the hospital when the boy managed to grunt at him.
"Hive," Sasuke managed to mumble through his clenched teeth.
Kakashi winced and nodded. Shibi had informed him ahead of time about the possibility that Sasuke would be working on growing a hive. He did not know much about the Aburame clan or how their hives worked, but he knew that the insects could travel under their skin. He assumed they did so by making tunnels within the boy's body, which had to hurt tremendously. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked.
"Distract. Train."
Kakashi thought for a moment, then asked, "Is it safe for you and… it? Them?" He waved his hand vaguely, unsure how Sasuke might refer to the insects, but certain that most Aburame had a sore spot when it came to how others treated their companions.
"Collective... Them. Whatever. Quit... Bullshit."
Kakashi gave a mental sigh, but he had to give it to the boy, Sasuke was willing to work hard to improve himself at least. And there was one thing I wanted to teach him before the finals. Kakashi out his arm gently around Sasuke's shoulders and started steering him to one of the more distant training grounds. "Well, there is one move I wanted to give you, to pass down as it were…"
Sakura
Sakura grunted and swung as hard as she could at the ice covered rock. The pick in her hand bit deep, and after a quick test to see if it would hold her weight, she pulled herself another arm's length up the mountain, fighting to ignore the burning sensation in her arms as she did so. The wind chose that moment to blow, sending snow and ice into her hood and down the back of her neck.
"What a delightful spring breeze," said her companion for this journey, an ancient and patch coated cat named Onna who had slung herself across Sakura's shoulders at the start of the journey, and who was apparently quite snug under the girl's borrowed jacket.
Sakura bit back her aggravation. Her arrival at the home of the ninneko, an ancient and somewhat rundown castle, had been unexpected by the cats, but after the initial surprise, they quickly adjusted and went back to their usual feline behavior, which mostly consisted of ignoring her.
Sakura had expected some sort of test, so she had waited quietly for them to speak to her. She spent her time wandering the castle, looking out the window, and practicing her forms in what had once been a walled off garden, now overgrown and wild. The cats ignored her, so she ignored them right back. After all, they were cats.
Eventually a minor ninneko, barely more than a kitten, had approached her and requested that she help her grandmother get back home. Sakura had jumped at the chance to make a connection with the ninneko, no matter how small, and had graciously accepted. That's when she learned two things, unfortunately. The first was, spry as the elder cat was, she was completely disinclined to walk or otherwise convey herself, instead choosing to ride Sakura like a horse. The second was that she lived alone on top of the highest mountain in the region.
These things were apparently not a surprise to Onna, who had been saving human sized equipment for that very occasion, and had been quite friendly when she offered to let Sakura used them for free. Sakura had been angry at first and almost refused to use them, but the old cat had insisted and by then Sakura had no desire to argue.
Now, hanging onto the sheer side of the mountain by the purchase granted to her by two ice picks and all of the friction she could get out of her contact with the mountain, Sakura was glad she had agreed. Initially, she had planned on scaling the mountain like any other obstacle, using her chakra to stick to it, but the moment she began to channel it, Onna had freaked out and started clawing her mercilessly. Apparently, Onna was both old and sensitive to chakra. "It makes my bones ache," she had said as Sakura had cleaned and bandaged her cuts, "and an old girl certainly has enough aches in her life."
And oh, how she hurt. All shinobi used chakra to increase their strength, agility, and endurance in a passive manner. The human body alone could not do half the things considered normal by their standards. For a shinobi, leaping twenty feet to go from tree branch to tree branch faster than a civilian could run was a genin standard.
What she had been doing for the past day had been grueling. No chakra to increase her endurance. No chakra to reduce her fatigue. No chakra to make the ordeal faster. Sakura, used to moving meters at a time, was reduced to a single grueling arms length, one at a time. Her arms burned and trembled with exhaustion, so much so that she had tied her picks to her arm in case she lost her grip. She was tired, more than tired, weary to the bone, as a body used to fueling itself through chakra instead fueled itself through nothing more than her meager breakfast the day before and her own stubborn, cussed willpower.
With another grunt, Sakura lifted her other arm and smashed the pick into the ice. She had been astounded when they had arrived at the mountain. No mountain should consist almost entirely of flat vertical surfaces, but that was certainly all she could see when she looked at the towering cliffs. In the end, she had no choice but to drag herself up, one grueling arm's length at a time, to the unending sound of blowing wind, crackling ice, and an old cat loudly commenting on how warm and comfortable she was.
Sakura pulled herself up, then swung her pick again, only to meet nothing but air. She managed a glance upward and realized she had reached the top, and after a few moments she pulled herself up on the edge and rolled over, panting in the snow. There was a shuffling sound in her coat, and Onna peeked out of her hood. "Ahh," said the ancient cat with a tired yawn with her old and creaky voice. "It seems we're here."
Sakura rolled over and looked at their destination, her mood darkening. She had expected something grand, an old temple or fortification, or even just a pleasant and fanciful wooden building. What she found, however, was a shack. A large shack, to be sure, and once a grand place, built along the lines of a dojo, but now, just a shack. A gust of wind howled across the top of the mountain and caused the shack to shudder as if ready to collapse.
"Well, come on, lazy," said Onna, snuggling back under Sakura's hood, "up and at it. We'll get you some tea before you climb back down." Sakura bit back a sharp reply and pulled herself to her feet, then trudged to the nearest door and slid it aside. The room inside was dark and dusty, with warped hardwood floors and faded tapestries. She followed Onna's instructions to the kitchen, a tiny wood burning stove tucked into an old closet space, with a single chipped ceramic cup and a tin kettle and several crates stuffed with preserved food, mostly cat food.
Sakura went through the motions, setting water to boil and setting out the one cup she could find, while Onna finally left her shoulders and curled up in the corner nearest to the stove. After a few minutes, the old cat began to purr. "It's good to be home," she said quietly, curling herself into a tight ball. "This may be a rundown old place, but home is about what you are happy with, I think. And you?" The old cat opened one eye, watching Sakura search around the tiny closet after realizing there was no tea. When the girl made no reply, Onna stretched out slightly. "Of course, who am I to speak, I suppose. I settled for this place, far less than I was due. Maybe it's for the young to dream of something more."
Sakura nodded robotically, but then stopped when she considered the cat's words. After a moment, she asked, "What was due to you?"
Onna let out a short purr and sat up, her tail curling around her legs, her long whiskers spreading out from her face. "Onna is not my name, although I answer to it," she said, and her voice suddenly had a lot less gravel in it. "It's part of my title, Kurayami no Onna, Lady of the Darkness, and it is one I earned well. Back when that layabout Dan was here, I was head of the ninneko clan."
When she saw Sakura perk up slightly at this, she gave the human a feline grin and flicked her tail a few times. "I was the one who defended our home from invaders. I watched our land, and when someone approached with ill intent, I would wait until nightfall before I visited them. There was no mercy offered, because none was expected, and nobody earned my ire unless they were a direct threat to me and mine."
She grunted and lay back down. "But old age gets us all, girl, and you best remember that. I spent so much time worrying about my people that I put no thought to myself. I made no effort, no preparation, and when I grew too old to do my duty and retired, I found that I had nothing left of my life. I had no real family, just distant relations I barely knew like the kitten I roped into asking you to carry me. I had no home, having spent most of my life in my office or in the field. I was granted this place, the place where I once trained, because none other had need of it. And now, I think you'd better ask, because I know you are going to."
Sakura got on her knees and bowed low to the ancient warrior before her. "Will you train me, Kurayami no Onna?"
Onna laughed, a warm and happy chuckle that sounded out of place coming from an old cat. "Just Onna will do." She stood from her corner and walked forward to twine herself though Sakura's legs. "My girl, I have waited for many years for this chance. I trained Dan when I was much younger, and that lazy bastard never did anything with it. He is the most cat-like human I have ever met." She said this with warmth, as any teacher would speak of a student who for all their failure had none the less earned their teacher's love. Sakura smiled at that and nodded in agreement.
"We ninneko live a great deal longer than our natural cousins do, but even we grow old. I was greatly enthused when the notice went out that someone had arrived after signing the contract. But after the fiasco with Dan, none wanted the task of teaching a new summoner until they knew it was worth the effort. Their loss is my gain, I'd be happy to become famous for training a student such as yourself, even if it'll be a lot of work."
Sakura grunted in irritation, but a smile managed to make its way through her aggravation and weariness in spite of herself. "So, sensitive to chakra? How does that work for a ninneko?"
Onna laughed again. "I had to test you somehow. I knew from the feel of you that you were a proper shinobi, and many of them would gladly pass on an unpaid charity mission when given such an unpleasant limitation as not using chakra. You did well. I had assumed at some point your body would give out and I'd have to save you." Onna stood and started to walk away. "I have no tea, as you suspected, so we may as well start. Follow me."
Sakura held out her flashlight and stared into the dark room.
It was large, built into the center of the dojo out of thick iron plates. Inside she could see hundreds of small holes built into every wall. The walls were also covered in minute dents, some of them quite deep. Sakura had a rough idea what the box was used for, and was quite nervous about it.
"We call this Schrodinger's Box," said Onna from her seat next to the door, the grin on her face matching the tone of her voice. "You enter, and until the door opens again, nobody knows if you've survived. It is soundproofed and very, very solid, because yes, those holes are used to launch projectiles at frightening speeds at whoever is inside. It will probably not kill you, Sakura… at least, not unless I coil the springs a few times more then normal."
Sakura gulped nervously. She was a shinobi, and was good at dodging ranged attacks, but with hundreds of potential attack angles at the same time, her reactions would be a great deal slower than normal.
" And when you enter, you may bring no light with you."
Sakura whirled at the cat. "I'm supposed to do this blind?"
Onna smiled, her eyes glowing in the dim shine from Sakura's flashlight, giving her a feral and wild appearance. "You won't be, when I am done with you."
Naruto
After the Great Toad Sage had pulled himself from the floor after his close encounter with Ayame's Mark V Cast Iron Frymaster with Luxurious Wood Handle, Jiraiya had laughed at himself and told Naruto he was there to train the boy. Naruto had nodded and agreed to meet the pervert in the park after lunch the next day, then left and immediately went to tell an adult, because something about the man hit all of the little buttons inside of him that said, here and now, you need an adult.
Naruto asked Kakashi about Jiraiya, who regaled him with stories of his encounters with the World's Greatest Super Pervert, giggling frequently and leaving suspicious gaps in the stories filled with nothing but more giggles and a promise to tell Naruto some other time. Jiraiya sounded like an awesome shinobi from those stories, even if he was a tremendous pervert.
Naruto then asked Hokage-jiji, who told stories about the legend of Jiraiya the Sannin, Toad Sage, one of the three who so amused Hanzo of the Salamander with their skill in battle that he bestowed the title of Sannin upon them. When Naruto brought up Jiraiya's other apparent habits, Hokage-jiji had coughed into his fist and suggested that, aside from maybe that, nobody could be a better teacher for Naruto at this point than Jiraiya.
And thus, Naruto found himself walking through the park, looked at every bush like it might contain his new sensei. Eventually, Naruto spotted the man sitting at a park bench, scribbling into a small notebook and giggling to himself.
Naruto ducked into some nearby bushes and observed his sensei. Every time a male walked by, Jiraiya would look at him with a thoughtful and measuring look, jotting down some quick notes, and those men would often flinch away or glare at the famous pervert, although when Kakashi passed by, he asked Jiraiya to sign his book, something the man did with a cheerful grin.
Every time a female walked by, however, Jiraiya became another man entirely. He would look at them with a faint sparkle in his eye and a leer on his face, giggling quietly and cheerfully, his pencil moving a mile a minute as he wrote several pages, his eyes never leaving the woman in question. Reactions were split in this case. Civilians would blush and turn away, or blush and glance shyly at the man. Kunoichi would blush and glare at him as if they could bring him to ignition temperature by that method.
Eventually, once he saw the pattern, Naruto decided to get the drop on the distracted perverted sage, in the name of normal folk everywhere. He drew a fake Explosive Tag from his pouch and started to sneak forward silently the next time Jiraiya noticed a woman and started giggling. Naruto was good at stealth, having honed that skill well during his efforts to prank every citizen he could back in his youth, and every time Jiraiya stopped giggling, he froze, waiting for the next titter to mask his already quiet footsteps.
Jiraiya never stopped his scribbles, even as Naruto rose up behind the bench, fake tag in hand and ready to slip into Jiraiya's headband. Then Jiraiya moved slightly, raising his book and looking at it as if it contained his next masterpiece. Naruto glanced up at the notepad and froze.
Written in the middle of the pad, surrounded by pointless scribbles, was the words, 'Put it down and come sit next to me, Naruto, you've been watching me long enough.' Naruto's estimation of the pervert rose dramatically. It was not that Jiraiya had caught him. He was only a genin, and while he was good at stealth, he was not specialized in it. It was because Jiraiya never once broke character or acknowledged Naruto's presence, even as the pervert flashed his message to Naruto. Even as Naruto thought all of this the act continued, and he watched as Jiraiya flipped a page and started scribbling madly as two women wandered by, blushing and giggling at him. The scribbles were meaningless nonsense, except for the words in the middle of the page, which said, 'Come on, have a seat, it's time to learn from the great Jiraiya of the Sannin.'
Naruto sighed and took a seat next to the older man, who laughed quietly and gave him a pat on the back. "If it makes you feel better, that was a good job. Against many shinobi, I think you would have succeeded."
Naruto grunted and rolled his eyes. "So, what are you going to teach me today, pervert?"
Jiraiya smiled and slapped Naruto lightly in the back of the head. "Show some respect, kid! Call me Jiraiya, call me sensei, call me sage, anything. Just show some respect for the badass ninja who is going to teach you how to be badass too."
Naruto grinned at the older man. "Fine, pervy sage, what're you going to teach me?"
Jiraiya chuckled and accepted the title. It suited his purpose anyhow. "Tell me," he asked, leaning back and stretching himself over the park bench, "What was I doing while you were watching me?" He took a relaxed pose, arms dangling over the back of the bench, legs sprawled, as if he was a bachelor back in his pad with not a care in the world.
"Writing smut," grumbled Naruto. Kakashi had explained exactly who Jiraiya was and why Naruto was not allowed to read the man's books until he was older. Watching his sensei squee like a fangirl and clutching his book to his chest was not a pleasant experience, and Naruto was still slightly put out from it.
Jiraiya nodded cheerfully. He then glanced up the road and grinned. "Good, good. Watch what I write on this one." He pulled out his pad of paper and pencil, and his face went instantly from congenial old man to congenial old super pervert instantly.
Naruto gulped when Kurenai appeared down the path and began walking towards them. Her red eyes drifted over and spotted Naruto, and she began to smile. Then Jiraiya giggled, and her eyes turned hard as they tracked over to the man scribbling in his notebook and staring at her. She stomped over and stopped in front of the pair, crossing her arms and stomping once again on the ground to draw attention. "What," she asked Naruto, "are you doing with that thing?"
Naruto was at a loss. He didn't want to be associated with Jiraiya… well, okay, he wanted to be, but the Sannin part only, not the creepy pervert part. He nervously started to mumble something, then stopped in horror when he realized that Jiraiya was panting at her.
"Why, hello, you wondrous beauty," Jiraiya said in his smoothest voice, his leer not falling even slightly. "And how stunning you look today, between your ruby lips, your alluring eyes, your incredible heaving t-" Kurenai let out a burst of killing intent, causing Naruto to back away as far as he could on the bench. "Well," said Jiraiya, "I can't do much with that personality quirk in my next book…. or maybe I can. Hmmm, the beautiful young store clerk, angry at every man who meets her, until one day, she finds a man manly enough to tame her angry heart…" Jiraiya started scribbling again, his voice trailing off into a giggle.
Kurenai snarled and threw up her hands, then turned to Naruto. "Don't you dare pick up his habits, Uzumaki. Because if I catch you peeping like I caught this pervert last year, you will not be able to escape." She sent one last glare at Jiraiya, ineffective as it was with him paying her no mind any longer, then strode away, her posture stiff.
The moment she got out of hearing range, Jiraiya stopped scribbling and turned to Naruto with his normal, somewhat friendly face. "What did I write?" he asked his student, holding up the note pad.
"Something perverted, I bet," came the reply.
Jiraiya shook his head and handed Naruto the notepad, one particular page opened to it. Naruto gave it a glance, then gave it a good look. A lot of it was scribbling, vaguely like writing, but so scrawling it was illegible. There were also some edit marks, several arrows and cross marks placed over the original nonsense. "So… you wrote something perverted and then edited it?" he asked, slightly confused.
Jiraiya pointed out in front of him with a smirk. 'You see the Hokage tower over there? Hold the pad out next to it, as if you're shocked what is written, and then keep an eye on it. Look past the pad and at the tower."
Naruto did what he was told, putting on the dumb and confused face he once gave the world when he was caught at a prank, and started watching. At first, it made no sense. All he could see was a few shinobi guards along the roof, occasionally moving around slightly. Then, one of them jumped from one floor to the next, a routine procedure intended to catch infiltrators off guard. Another jumped a few moments later, this time horizontally, to take the place of the previous shinobi, and Naruto saw it.
Naruto watched in awe as the shinobi across the way jumped in an exact formation, each maneuver matching the editing marks on the pad perfectly. After a few moments of study, Naruto began trying to predict the next move, and did so successfully. He turned to Jiraiya with the same dumbfounded look he had been wearing, and got a small nod from the older man.
"So now you know what I wrote. So tell me, why did nobody notice? Not Kakashi, not Kurenai, not one of the people who passed by, Shinobi included? And yes, I knew who they are. And they knew who I am. So why?" He took the pad back, pulled out his pencil, and started his act again when a male wandered by. The male noticed the scrutiny, paled, and turned away, his stride lengthening as he marched away as fast as he could.
He flinched and turned away.
"They know you're a pervert," Naruto said, the words coming slowly as they pushed through the mental shock he felt at the realization that the dorky super pervert he was sitting next to was a badass. "They know what you're writing is smut. You're famous for it. And because they are either embarrassed or a fan, nobody looks." Naruto slumped back into the bench, unconsciously mirroring the sannin next to him, and a small smile started to creep across his face. "That… is an incredible prank."
Jiraiya laughed and tucked his notepad away. "That's right, gaki. I am the legendary super pervert, Jiraiya of the Sannin, slayer of men, wooer of women, gigantic egomaniac, fabulous dancer, and famous author of the most depraved smut imaginable! What else could I possibly be writing?" He stood up and reached behind his back, pulling out Naruto's frog wallet and tossing it to his flabbergasted student, who had never expected to see it again. "When I swatted your hand, you flinched away from the movement," he explained. "So I snagged it and chucked a rock through the roof along with a couple low denomination bills. You watched the rock sail away, but you were certain it was your wallet, and that is what you believed until just now. Show someone what they expect, and they'll often stop paying attention to the details, and details kill in our world."
Jiraiya spread his arms, raising them as if to encompass everything around him. "This whole world is nothing but a giant stage, gaki, and if you play your character right, people who pass you on the street will see the character, not you. I'm a legendary and dangerous fighter, but am infamously easy to fool and easy to distract with women. And every time someone tries to pull something on me, they bring an attractive woman with them, because not one is willing to consider that I'm better than that. I taught it to y… uhh, Minato, the fourth Hokage, who taught it to Kakashi, and now, if you like, I'll teach it to you."
"Teach me what?" asked Naruto, looking up at the man, rimmed by the sun like a halo, his hair glowing brilliantly.
Jiraiya held out a hand. "I'm going to teach you to be invisible."
Naruto and Jiraiya were sitting at Ichiraku Ramen once more, this time with far less tension, mostly because Jiraiya had paid Teuchi a great deal of money to repair his roof, and had apologized profusely to Ayame. Naruto was fairly certain his begging and pleading had helped the older man's case, but in the end, they allowed the sannin to return, and even started to smile cheerfully as the two of them ate when they saw the two of them getting along.
"I see one problem with this whole invisibility thing, Pervy Sage," Naruto said around the noodles he was stuffing into his face. "I've gotta get ready to kick some ass in the finals, and while your 'Art of Public Invisibility' is cool and all, nobody in the arena is going to be fooled."
Jiraiya shook his head. "Getting your foe to underestimate you is a powerful tool. Kakashi told me about your Hundred and One Things jutsu. You would be amazed how many shinobi would be thrown off by that technique, simply because it's such a mind bogglingly stupid technique to use in a fight." He shook a finger at the grinning blond before he could speak up. "Not that you should use it all that much. It would work well on a taijutsu or genjutsu type, but a ninjutsu type would simply blow them away, as would anyone with enough explosive tags or any number of possible bloodline traits. Use it sparingly, gaki."
Naruto nodded and ordered another bowl. "Still," he said with a slight frown, "I had hoped you'd have time to teach me a thing or two for more immediate use. It'd be great if I could go into the arena and kick ass with the new technique the incredible Jiraiya of the Sannin taught me." He gave a pleading look to the older man, eyes wide and gleaming, lip quivering slightly. "Please, Pervy Sage?"
"Stop," Jiraiya said, pretending to shield his eyes. "Not the begging face!"
Naruto turned it up a notch, giving a small sniff and pinching his hand hard enough for his eyes to tear. "Please, Jiraiya-sensei?"
"Gahh! All right, all right. I know you have your shadow clones, so I suppose we can have you use them to learn a few things while I teach you my most masterful art. There had been a thing or two I wanted to train you with anyhow." Naruto grinned cheerfully, beaming at Jiraiya as hard as he deliberately could, and Jiraiya laughed at the act. "God, kid, you're just like your mother, you know."
Naruto stopped the act and leaned forward quickly, upsetting his bowl as he grabbed the sannin's red overcoat. "Y-you knew my mother?"
Jiraiya looked at Naruto, and something seemed off about the man, like it had when they had first met. He looks happy and sad at the same time, thought Naruto as Jiraiya's face fell for a moment, then rose back into a grin.
"Yeah, I knew her," Jiraiya said, resting his elbows on the bar and leaning against it. "I knew your dad, too."
Naruto opened his mouth to ask… to demand to know, but he stopped before he could say anything. His first thought was, Why did nobody tell me, if they knew? And then he asked himself why the Hokage would keep such a thing from him, and the answer slapped him in the metaphorical face. Because it's important not to tell me, just like the kyuubi was, a dangerous secret. Naruto sat back and closed his mouth, licking his suddenly dry lips, and as much as it hurt, he knew what he had to say. "I… I understand," he said, his voice shaking. "If you can tell me anything, I'd appreciate it, but if not… I think I get why."
Jiraiya gave Naruto a smile, not the cheerful half grin he usually had, but a warm smile, much smaller than usual and yet that much more meaningful for it. The boy's emotions had been written clear on his face, as had his understanding. "No… I'll tell you. But it would be best to go elsewhere before I do. You are correct in your assumption on why I know and you don't." After all, he told himself, there's no point being the mighty Jiraiya if I can't break the occasional rule...
Naruto sat on the Hokage monument, watching the sunset with Jiraiya.
He was sitting on the Fourth Hokage's head.
His dad's head.
Naruto felt a little numb inside. He'd thought about who his parents were before, in his own little private fantasies, and thought about how he would react in those daydreams. Maybe his parents were awesome, and he'd jump about and celebrate. Or maybe they would be evil criminals, and he would cry and swear to return his family name to honor. He'd even considered the truth, in one of his more elaborate fantasies. He imagined himself cartwheeling in that one.
But instead, he was numb. He'd felt that way the entire time, from the moment Jiraiya told him who his dad was, through the stories of his dad's training, and the explanation of the technique that was being passed down to him from his dad through his dad's old teacher. He knew who his dad was, and why he of all people had been chosen to hold the kyuubi within him.
He knew.
"Why don't I really care?" he asked his dad's teacher. "I should be excited and happy and laughing, but all I feel is sorta empty. Am I a bad person for this?"
Jiraiya shook his head and put an arm around the kid's shoulders. "Nah," he said. "It's just shock, kid. And when a person gets shocked like this, it takes time for them to adjust to it. Just relax, take your time, and don't force yourself to think about it. Eventually the numbness goes away, and you'll be back to the awesome spastic kid you already were before, only now you'll also know who your parents are."
Naruto nodded mechanically.
"And I hate to say it," Jiraiya continued, "but for now, this would be best left as a secret. Minato made quite a lot of enemies in the past, and the Hokage kept this secret to prevent those enemies from coming after you until you were ready to protect yourself."
Naruto nodded again. It's not like he didn't already have one perception shattering secret inside of him. What would it matter if he had a second? Naruto took a deep breath and released it, then turned to give Jiraiya a small smile. "Thanks, Jiraiya-sensei."
Jiraiya reached out and ruffled the kid's hair. "Please, call me Pervy Sage."
Author's Note: Sorry this took such a long time. Originally, I had planned to go more into detail on the training, and went over it several times, but ultimately, I couldn't make it interesting enough to justify individual chapters. Up next is an Omake that I have been sitting on for months, then on to the finals, I think.
Yes, Naruto will probably get the toad contract eventually, but honestly, I never understood why he would need it for the chunin exam were it not for Deus ex Gaara. I do not plan on doing the same thing, so I'm content to leave the contract be for now. Don't worry, it'll show up eventually.
Thanks, of course, to Heaven's Eagle for the beta work. I am still working on the update effort on older chapters, but it's a long haul and all. If you end up re-reading at some point, please note that the chapters capped with a line of MMMMMMM 's have been revisited. If you see an error there, please, feel free to tell me.
*looks at reviews* Holy hell. So, since last chapter, I gained four pages of reviews, which I greatly appreciate. However, with such numbers, I can't possibly touch on each individually without artificially inflating my word count through the roof. So if I did not directly comment on your review, thank you for your views and your ideas and opinions. Even when you disagree, I am grateful.
*looks at statistics* Bleedin' awesome for a Naruto fic that's barely 6 months old. Hey, for those of you who read these notes, if there's a TVTropes reader in the house, and if you enjoy my writing, please consider adding it to the Naruto Fanfic Rec page, probably under the For Want of a Nail section. The rules say I cannot recommend my own fic in some places, and that I can in others. In the end, I chose the option that makes me look a little less like an attention whore, and figured I'd ask one of you folks instead… thus negating my original intent... So… yeah! Pyrrhic victory! Share the love if you feel like it. Or not.
Fic Recs: I have two here that are more about interesting ideas than excellent beyond compare reads. Beyond the Parahypogean by opens up 4 nobody, as a study in story writing and working Naruto characters into a modern setting, it is quite interesting. Also interesting is Re-Alignment by pointer39. The writing is a little rough at times, but the interactions between the Sannin are generally well thought out. Again, interesting largely for concept nerds at this time, but that in itself is rare enough to deserve mention.
For a more complete read, I am currently enjoying A Twist in Time by Wolf08. Time travel fic, yeah, I know, but it focuses a lot on the mental aspects of it, and the time traveler is not grossly overpowered. It also has a bit of romance wedged in there, which is generally not my thing, but it has been well written so far and has not dominated the story.
Also good is Naruto: The Secret Songs of the Ninja by Arcane Azmadi. A very interesting read that runs with the premise: What if Sasuke died during the mission to the Wave? Well written, good characterization. But what really got me was the OC, which is a well rounded character with a genuine personality and reasonable strengths and weaknesses. Cannot recommend this enough, it's one of the few fics I have seen where I can honestly say it is at least as good, if not better, than my own. Go check it out. Go on. I'll still be here when you're done.
Poisoned Wit was slightly disappointed on the vanilla choice in trainers. I hope my treatment of Jiraiya has sent those concerns to rest.
Tremblers pointed out that I tend to focus on clan techniques for powerups. I actually disagree. Sasuke made an entirely new jutsu (plasma lance.) Sakura got a summoning contract that is not really affiliated with the canon setting all that much. Naruto got nothing but a devious mind and some swords that have yet to come into play. Yes, there is more clan help than in canon, but I believe it was presented in a reasonable way. Still, thanks for your view on the matter.
Pensive Rumination Observer pointed out a lot of errors in the earlier chapters. So did Arcane Azmadi.And of course, Cute Kirby. And Charles Henri. And Calebkir did it with a PM. Thanks for that, folks.
Quinn1989 gave quite a christmas list for me to fill on power ups for Naruto. Out of the list, two make no sense in the context of my story, two are game breakers that may never appear at all, depending where this goes down the line, one is not happening in the given time restraint for practical reasons. But he is going to get a cool technique. So… uhhh, merry christmas I guess?
Arcane Azmadi also pointed out, correctly, that "teme" is not a suffix/honorific. I am aware of this, but included it because Naruto is literally making "Bastard" a part of Sasuke's name, but it looks awkward as hell written as one word, hence the hyphen. They also corrected a horrendous math error I made early on (I forgot, it's four team members AND Tazuna…)
"KK" (Anon) mentioned that I focus a lot on everyone but Naruto, and felt I was making Naruto far too unintelligent/"dumb." That was on their review chapter 13, the chapter where Zabuza only just finds out that the clones that were running him ragged were not Kakashi's, and one chapter after Naruto single-handedly prevented a event that disabled Kakashi in canon, and two chapters after Naruto does nothing in a fight because he knows he doesn't have to, instead of jumping in for no damned reason and risking injury. What an idiot, amiright?
Finally, I want to thank Harlequin de Rustre for equating the treatment to Neji in Chapter 17 to a high school bully fantasy, then going on to mention how that sort of thing might work in a manga, but never in writing. Apparently, the fact that I am deliberately trying to match the tone of the manga, and have mentioned such repeatedly, meant nothing. Apparently it also means nothing that it's essentially what happened to him in canon, only more terrible and shaming because it was done in front of a massive crowd of rich customers and fellow ninja. Still, nice to know that my "wish fulfilling" fic, while falling for "a significant pitfall once you get past the infancy stage," is apparently still good because "(I) am doing swimmingly besides that one boo-boo."
I have no objection to disagreement, debate, and criticism, as I like to think I have show in previous notes and PM'ed replies. But trying to put down a fellow writer by essentially calling their work garbage, but acceptable garbage, is not the way to do it.
For those of you who are somewhat lacking in social skills, such as 'Quinn here, I offer this advice, which will help you both here on Fanfiction and in the real world itself:
If you cannot be civil, do not speak.
If you cannot make your point without equating your opposite to a child or an idiot, do not speak.
If you are not self aware enough to edit your own comments to at least keep your thin veneer of intellect and good intentions in place, do not speak.
Because every time you open your mouth under those conditions, you become less and less of a human, and become more and more a member of Homo sapiens. One of them is a person worth listening to because of their ability to interact with others of their kind in a manner that is insightful, thought provoking, or otherwise useful for social if not practical purposes. One of them is a primate that happens to have some advanced toolmaking skills and an incredible talent for pissing off the other primates in the cage with them.