Author note- Hello, Sorry it took me a minute to get this one posted. Went on vacation and thought I'd get it posted before I left. I also want to say you guys are amazing with the reviews. They make me smile every time.
Wanted to give a small shout out to one specific commenter imaginer.012. Their story 'I'm fine' and the sequel 'It's fine' were part of my inspiration to write this story so definitely check them out if you haven't read them.
Also thank you to a few of my regular reviewers- Wren22, Loopygirl1, Imagination94, Hildygirl, Macisgate, and SoaringSavage
Thank you all for being such amazing readers of my story. I've had such a great time writing it and am so glad you all are enjoying it. I think the story should be wrapping up in the next few chapters. I think it will end with chapter 70. I still plan on writing a sequel also and am looking forward to that as well.
Enjoy the new chapter and leave me a review.
Song inspirations- Sleep Deprivation by Chance Peña(Harry), Vienna by Billy Joel(Sirius), I Will Follow you into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie (George)
Chapter 61
I'm Here and I'm still Breathing
Harry sighed as he stared into the darkness of the room. He'd had another nightmare. He didn't know what time it was, but he was sure there was no chance of going back to sleep. Remus didn't want him cleaning without supervision and after what had happened yesterday, he was sure he wouldn't be able to get into anything.
He closed his eyes and pulled into his mind. The wall was down, and the forest was still a mess. There were broken branches and downed trees. The animals had all disappeared, leaving his thoughts and memories adrift in his mind. The wolfdog was the only one who remained. Harry swallowed hard at the sight. He'd used that form to kill.
He took slow deep breaths as the memory came back to him. He wasn't ready to look at it too closely, so he took it and stored it away in the hole. Harry stared at the hole in the middle of his mind. It almost seemed to pulse. Like it was ready to spew back all of the memories.
Harry swallowed thickly.
He began to make small repairs here and there experiencing the memories as they came.
Being locked in his cupboard, into the hole.
Petunia hitting him with a rolling pin, into the hole.
His first teacher telling him how smart he was, hidden away in a high branch of a tree.
Meeting Ron and Hermione, placed in a special hiding place for his favorite memories.
Memories began to come faster then he was prepared for. Snape putting the salve on his scars. Mary hugging him in the bookshop. Smoking with Jack behind the grocery store. His first Christmas at Hogwarts. Voldemort rising from the cauldron. The basilisk bite. Watching Sirius fly away on Buckbeak. Vernon slamming his head into the wall.
Harry opened his eyes and gasped.
His body was shaking by the overwhelming amount of memories.
His stomach heaved and he rolled out of bed and as quietly as he could, raced to the bathroom. His legs shook as he lowered himself in front of the toilet.
He gagged a little but was honestly thankful when it didn't turn into vomiting. He was having a hard enough time eating, he didn't need to start getting sick too.
He sat back and took some deep breaths as he tried to pull up his wall a little. His mind was a mess right now.
He felt the wall come up a little and tried to pull only good memories forward.
Fred and George playing cards with him in an abandoned classroom. Hagrid telling him he was a wizard. Hermione's hug after she had been unpetrified.
Harry took another deep breath and tried to call forward more recent memories.
George kissing him. Finding Edgar asleep in Professor Snapes lap. Draco playing the games at the street fair. Seeing the picture of his mum and Snape.
Harry took another deep breath and began to feel the calm coming over him a little.
He thought of the overwhelming love he'd felt in Remus' memories. Seeing memories of the four of them together. Laughing and smiling.
A tear slipped down his face. He wished he hadn't disappointed them so badly.
He thought of all the people that he cared about. They were his reason to keep going.
He was going to make it up to them. With determination in his heart he opened his eyes.
He had to die. There wasn't any getting around that. He knew it for fact. Voldemort couldn't be defeated without him dying. However, there was at least one more Horcrux in Nagini. He swore to himself that he would push through until the end. He had to die, but he could do more before then. He could find other ways to help before then.
Sirius said there were side effects to the werewolf potion. He'd need to talk to them both and likely Snape to find out if the side effects could be managed.
He blew out a deep breath.
Snape.
He missed the man's calm and frequently reassuring presence. He could use some of that reassurance now.
Harry shook his head knowing there wasn't anything he could do about it now. There was no coming back from this. Snape surely hated him now. Perhaps he didn't care at all. Perhaps Snape finally saw the messed-up freak and just thought Harry was worthless. Not even worth hating.
Harry bit his lip as he felt tears form in his eyes.
He knew there was no fixing things with the man. He'd left suggestions for his vampire potion, but would likely never hear if they had been tried.
Harry thought about other things he could do.
He still wanted to talk to Rokk and learn more about Goblins. Perhaps there was a way he could help them as well.
His thoughts drifted to his classmates. So many of them had been pushed to the front of this war. Whether he had permission or not, he would be training as many of them as much as he could when he returned to school.
With a firm nod he stood. He could push through the pain. He could suffer a little longer. He'd done it this long. He could do it long enough to see the end of Voldemort. Go on long enough to make sure the people he loved had a safe place to live after he was gone.
Harry's body shook as he faced himself in the mirror. He stared resolutely at his scar. The mark that had defined his life. Marked as the Boy-who-lived. Marked as a freak. Marked for death.
He felt the anger at Voldemort well up in his chest. He thought of all of the ways the man had ripped his life apart. Rage bubbled up at the way he was destroying the lives of his friends.
His anger was starting to feel like his magic was going to get away from him.
Harry took a deep breath. He knew magic in the bathroom would set off the wards. He didn't want to wake Sirius and Remus. They were suffering enough because of him.
With one final nod he turned away from his reflection and walked back to his room. He considered for a moment. He couldn't help around the house right now and he couldn't go outside and practice his magic.
Harry went to his trunk and began taking out books and parchment. He was frustrated that his notes had been gone through. He'd be taking the rest of his notes in code. He knew Hermione mostly did and it was smart.
The only books in his trunk he hadn't finished reading were the ones Remus and Sirius had given him. His face heated and his stomach rolled. He would read them but not this morning. He didn't think it much mattered now. However he'd told them he would read them.
Collecting the books he thought would be the most helpful for making a DA lesson he sat on the floor and began to revise and plan.
Remus watched carefully as Harry cleaned the house. There wasn't a spec of dirt to be found after his cleaning of it yesterday, but he seemed just as dedicated.
He'd found Harry buried in a pile of books and notes this morning. The moment Harry seemed to be aware that they were awake, the books and notes had been stored away in his trunk and he'd followed them into the kitchen and made breakfast.
Harry hadn't said anything but there was something in his eyes. They weren't vacant or sad like they'd been so much recently.
When they'd finished breakfast Harry had begun to clean. Sirius had said he'd wear holes in the floor if he cleaned like that again, but Harry had just brushed it off. Remus worried that his words hadn't really sunk in. That Harry still believed he was expected to do this in order for him to stay.
Harry had taken a short break when Poppy had arrived but otherwise Harry had been buzzing around the house all morning.
George hadn't been to the house yet, but Harry seemed to be paying no mind to the fact that he was scrubbing baseboards in his pajamas. They were horrid, washed out, and oversized things that Remus swore he'd be replacing soon.
George arrived just as Harry was putting the last of the cleaning supplies away. Remus watched as they disappeared down the hall before he pulled up a silencing spell.
"He seems…different today." Sirius said softly.
Remus sighed and nodded. He wasn't sure if it was an actual improvement or deeper masking. He didn't want Harry to hide away from them.
"We'll stick with our plan from last night and see how today goes. I'd really like him to start communicating more. If either of us can get him to communicate a need or want that would be ideal." Remus said.
"Okay." Sirius said with a nod.
Remus knew Sirius was still struggling with everything that had happened yesterday. They'd talked to Poppy briefly and she agreed that some mood potions would probably help Sirius. She agreed to talk to Severus about brewing them. Sirius had nearly backed out when he realized Severus would know.
Remus had convinced him that doing this could be a good example for Harry. They still hadn't decided whether or not to put him on additional potions yet. However, Harry might be more likely to agree if he had an example in his own life of how they might help.
Sirius had reluctantly agreed.
Remus took a deep breath as he prepared for his session with Harry. He'd done some reading this morning and had an idea how to approach this differently.
"Harry, it's time." Remus called as he watched Harry putting things away in the kitchen.
Harry bit his lip and looked around at the things that were still out.
"I got it kid." Sirius said, sliding into the kitchen and collecting the things on the counter.
Harry nodded and followed Remus out the front door.
Harry settled on the ground where he'd sat yesterday, and Remus took a chair by the door.
"I'd like to do things a little different today." Remus said.
Harry looked up at him and waited.
"I'm aware that there are a lot of big things that you've faced. There are a lot of big emotions involved in that. I think being more direct with you will be helpful. I would like you to pick a topic for each of these sessions. I don't care what it is but whatever it is will stick to that one topic. We can start out easy with maybe something that isn't so heavy and perhaps if that works, we can work our way up." Remus explained.
Harry's brows furrowed in consideration.
"Do you think that's something you could do?" Remus asked.
Harry hesitated but finally nodded.
"I guess…um…" Harry said before looking back down and twisting his hands in his lap.
"Go ahead Harry." Remus encouraged.
Harry hesitated for a moment.
"Can we stop if…if it gets to be too much?" Harry whispered.
Remus smiled softly.
"Of course, pup." Remus affirmed.
"This is to help you process and overcome all that you've been through. Talking things out won't erase what has happened to you. What we'll work on is helping you acknowledge what you've been through, accepting it, working through how those things have affected you, and finding healthy coping mechanisms to deal with lingering issues."
"This doesn't work if you don't participate. This will get uncomfortable, and I will rely on you to tell me your tolerance. If we need to stop, we always can." Remus reaffirmed.
Harry nodded.
Remus waited for a few moments hoping Harry would pick a topic.
"Er…I'm really not sure what to start with." Harry said softly.
Remus nodded. He was sure Harry felt a bit overwhelmed.
"How about I give some suggestions for this first one and we go from there?" Remus suggested.
Harry nodded and Remus considered.
There were so many big topics to cover. Remus tried to think of what some less traumatizing but still helpful topics might be.
"I'm going to recommend a few things I've noticed and see if any of those things will work for you today." Remus said.
Harry once again nodded, though Remus could see his body stiffening.
"I've noticed how little you've been eating, and I know we briefly touched on the food being locked up yesterday, but I know that's not all there is to it." Remus started.
"I've also noticed the way you clean and how detail oriented you are." Remus continued.
Remus knew that the diagnostic had listed OCD and phobias on his mental health screening. He'd never personally witnessed those behaviors before yesterday, and they concerned him. He wanted to understand where they came from and help Harry lessen his anxiety around them if he could.
"I also noticed how upset you became yesterday after waking us up. I know that last one is more complicated, and we don't need to go in depth with it, but I think some aspects should be addressed sooner rather than later." Remus said.
Harry bit his lip before looking down at his lap. Remus could tell all of them had been upsetting to a degree for Harry. He wondered which would be the least upsetting for him.
Harry blew out a breath.
"There's a lot to all of those…Just pick." Harry said softly.
Remus considered. He'd really like to address them all but the food one was the most important to Harry's current health.
"How about we stick with food for today." Remus suggested.
Harry sighed and nodded.
Harry sat twisting his hands in his shirt. He was sitting on the floor leaning against the couch. After his meeting with Remus, he'd gone back to his room. He'd tried to be as honest as he could with Remus.
He'd explained quietly that food was often locked up and withheld. Something he knew Remus was already aware of. He blushed through explaining eating out of the trash or looking for food where he could find it. He'd apologized for sometimes stealing food. He'd nearly cried at that point, and they'd sat in silence for a few minutes while he gathered himself.
Remus had taught him a breathing exercise which they'd practiced together. Harry wasn't sure how useful it would be, but he'd listened and done as Remus had explained.
He'd avoided talking about checking his food for tampering. Or why he was more comfortable making the meals. He didn't talk about feeling like he had to earn his food or the unpleasant feeling he had being given anything without earning it. Especially food. He worried those things would lead to a different conversation and he wasn't prepared for that.
Even though he hadn't talked about all the issues he had with food, Remus seemed to understand that and had been calm and compassionate.
He'd recommended taking a sip of calming draught as well as the stomach soother with each meal, as anxiety seemed to play a large part in Harry's reluctance to eat. Harry had agreed to try. He'd offered the calming draught before dinner and Harry had taken a sip.
His anxiety at how different the day had felt left him with no appetite. The potions had allowed him to eat a little, when he was sure he wasn't going to be able to eat anything.
George had come shortly after dinner and had guarded the door while Harry showered and changed. Harry had wanted to take a long shower, but George had seemed exhausted, and Harry didn't want to keep him too long.
George had checked in briefly and Harry had said that he was doing all right. He wasn't really sure how he was doing but he wasn't falling apart, so he supposed that was better than the day before.
Now Harry was waiting for Sirius and Remus to join him in the sitting room. He hated this part. This awkward silence they sat in. He didn't know what they wanted him to say.
Harry raised an eyebrow as Sirius and Remus joined him in the sitting room. They were also in their pajamas, and to Harry's surprise sat on the floor with him.
Remus sat a small box of chocolates in the middle of there strange circle and then smiled a little.
"We're going to try something a little different this evening." Remus said with a nod to Sirius.
Sirius gave them a half smile and nodded back.
Harry felt his stomach begin to knot. He didn't like the silence, but he'd become accustomed to it.
"Sirius and I find ourselves in a strange position. We knew you really well as a baby. We were very close with your parents. However, I think perhaps we missed getting to know you as you are now. I think you might not know us as well as you'd like either. So, we're going to do a bit of a sharing circle." Remus explained.
Harry bit his lip. Hadn't he shared enough today? His determination at the start of the day had fizzled a bit as the day had gone on. He'd been determined to go outside and do some practice, but he'd chickened out on asking. George kept encouraging him to ask for what he needed and wanted but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. What if they said no? What if they were mad at him for asking? It was better not to ask at all.
Harry sighed and kept watching Remus.
"This isn't going to be like our sessions, Harry. This isn't meant to be working through trauma. We'll keep this casual and just try and get to know each other a little bit." Remus reassured.
Harry wasn't sure about that, but he nodded.
"What's with the chocolate?" Harry asked cautiously.
He'd slowly worked on asking questions while he lived with Snape. He still feared repercussions, but it was lessening.
Remus smiled.
"Chocolate makes everything better." Remus said.
Harry smiled a little.
"Okay." Harry nodded.
Sirius and Remus both seemed to lighten up at his response. It made him feel a little lighter as well.
"So, how's this work Moony?" Sirius asked, leaning on his elbow a little.
"Tonight, we will stay pretty basic. We ask a question that everyone can answer. Each person answers, including the person who asked the question. Then the next person asks a question." Remus explained.
Harry nodded.
"Would you like to go first Harry?" Remus offered, holding out the box of chocolates.
Harry shrugged. He thought for a moment and remembered he and Snape asking each other questions.
"What's your favorite color?" Harry asked.
"Red." They both answered together.
Harry, not expecting the quick answer pushed himself a little deeper against the couch. He wondered if answering that question would cause an issue already. They were both very Gryffindor. Sirius hated Slytherin. Would he be upset that green was Harry's favorite color.
They looked like they were waiting.
Harry blew out a breath.
"Green." Harry said softly.
Sirius smirked.
"Figures. If my eyes were that color, it'd probably be my favorite color too." Sirius laughed.
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Yes, Lily got away with everything just by looking at people." Remus said with a shake of his head.
Harry released a breath.
"Favorite sweet." Sirius asked, popping one of Remus' chocolates into his mouth.
"Chocolate." Remus said with another roll of his eyes.
Harry bit his lip. He'd never had many sweets growing up. Treacle tart had been his favorite since going to Hogwarts. Then he thought of the candy floss melting in his mouth.
A flicker of memory crossed his mind of Draco watching him with a little smile on his face as he had eaten the offered sweet.
Harry felt his stomach twist a little and shook his head.
"Um…treacle tart." Harry answered with a definitive nod.
"Mine's definitely pie." Sirius said with another laugh.
Harry tipped his head sideways at that answer. He wasn't sure why, but he'd expected something different.
"What kind?" Harry asked.
He bit his lip after he'd asked, realizing he'd asked a question out of turn.
"Berry. Apple's good too. Not cherry." Sirius said pulling a face.
Harry laughed a little.
"Favorite school subject?" Remus asked as he plucked up a chocolate.
Harry considered.
"Favorite class, or favorite branch of magic?" Harry mumbled.
Remus raised an eyebrow and considered.
"Both." He answered.
"Remy's already cheating at his own game." Sirius said, bumping into Remus.
Harry smiled a little.
"Defense for both." Sirius said, stretching out on the rug.
Harry supposed that's why Sirius had become an Auror. He supposed they expected him to give the same answer. That's what everyone wanted him to become.
He enjoyed the subject, and it was certainly his strongest. However, other than Remus the teachers had all been horrible and all of them, including Remus, had tried to hurt him.
Harry felt a ball of guilt roll in his stomach at that thought. Remus hadn't meant to come after them.
"Charms was my favorite subject. My favorite branch of magic is probably Runes." Remus answered, pulling Harry back to the present.
Harry sighed. He didn't really know what to say. He didn't want to lie. This seemed to be going well, but he also didn't want to disappoint them.
"Harry?" Remus called softly.
Harry shook his head and forced himself to smile.
"Defense." Harry answered.
Their faces both said they didn't quite believe him, but they nodded.
"Um… favorite shop in Diagon." Harry asked with another forced smile.
They continued for a while and after Harry had yawned twice, Remus had sent him to bed.
Sirius had his head pillowed on Remus' shoulder as they lay in bed.
"I think that went okay." Sirius mumbled as he thought over their conversation.
Remus hummed and rubbed Sirius back.
"It was certainly better then it has been. He's still very withdrawn. I think this was a promising idea though." Remus responded.
Sirius nodded.
"He lied." Sirius said softly.
It had been strange. A seemingly pointless lie but his face had said it out clear as day.
"I noticed that as well. I'm not sure if it was a lie though. He seemed to be getting lost in thought and I think he felt put on the spot when I called out to him." Remus answered.
Sirius shrugged and settled more snugly against Remus.
He agreed with Remus that Harry still seemed withdrawn. Harry had hardly talked to them at all except when they'd sat down with him. Harry moved silently around the house as he cooked and cleaned. If he didn't spend so much time studying, Sirius might have thought they'd brought home a Polyjuiced house elf, instead of their son.
Sirius sighed as he tried to push down the raging emotions. He felt so conflicted about how to feel about Harry. He seemed so different to the boy they'd met a few years ago. Harry had smiled and laughed with his friends at Grimmald just last summer.
Remus said that a lot of it was likely a mask. Harry trying to hide all of the bad things that had happened. Hide how poorly he was doing.
Sirius supposed to a degree that was true. They'd seen the mask slip a few times. It's what had raised there worry and suspicion last summer.
Now though Sirius wasn't sure what to make of the boy they found themselves sharing a house with. It had been a week since his suicide attempt and they were seeing improvements, However Sirius wondered what Harry would be like as he improved.
He would love Harry no matter what but he was deeply worried about him. His behavior since arriving had shifted drastically from hardly moving, to thinking he needed to clean or study all day.
Sirius sighed again and closed his eyes. He hoped the next week would go by smoothly. That Harry would start coming out of his shell a little more.
Perhaps Harry would begin to relax a little as he settled in.
Harry woke with a scream and dove out of bed. He held up his hands and prepared to cast. His eyes adjusted to the dark. His mind slowly caught up with what was really happening around him.
There were no Death Eaters.
There was no threat.
Harry collapsed on the floor as he felt tears pricking his eyes. He'd been dreaming about the fight at Crup Creek. He could see a Death Eater engulfed in flame. Susan crying on the ground. The Death Eater on top of her groping at her and telling her he was going to take her home. That he wanted to listen to her scream in his bed. Harry had felt himself shift and the feeling of blood spraying into his mouth.
Harry gagged as the tears flowed down his face. He raised his hand and put up a silencing spell. Then to his alarm an alert started screaming. He covered his ears and buried his tear-soaked face in his knees.
Remus woke to one of the safety alarms going off.
"Sirius wake up." Remus said, tapping him harshly as he climbed out of bed.
Sirius jolted awake.
"What is that? The property wards?" Sirius said in panic as he grabbed his wand.
Remus shook his head.
"Safety alarm." Remus said, heading for the door. Harry hadn't set off any of them in the two weeks he'd been here.
Remus stumbled into Harry's room canceling the alarm. He flicked on the lights and found Harry balled up on the floor. His body shaking and his hands covering his ears.
"Give me a minute." Remus whispered to Sirius, before walking to Harry and kneeling down.
"Harry." Remus called.
Terrified green eyes peaked out from under messy black hair.
"Are you alright?" Remus asked quietly.
Harry shook his head before burying it back in his knees.
Remus looked around the room and didn't see anything that could have set off the wards. There didn't appear to be any sharps and Harry didn't seem hurt. The windows were closed, and the door was open.
"Harry, are you hurt?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"Okay." Remus said taking a deep breath and trying to think. The wards weren't very strict in Harry's room. He didn't want to infringe on Harry's privacy. There were only charms in place to let them know if something became a danger to Harry. Like a knife being brought into the room. There were a few spells that would set it off. Unlike the bathroom which would sound for any magic used.
Remus bit his lip and wondered if Harry had tried to use magic to hurt himself. He'd been doing well. Making improvements. Eating more. Talking to them. He looked better. The dark circles under his eyes had faded. He even looked like he'd maybe gained a little weight.
Remus blew out a breath. Perhaps he'd been too optimistic.
"Would you like a calming draught?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"Okay. Do you think we can use one of our grounding skills?" Remus asked.
Harry's shoulder shook as he dragged in ragged breaths before nodding.
Harry raised his head and looked at Remus. The panic in his eyes was clear. Harry shakily raised his hands and held his palms out to Remus.
Remus smiled softly and reached out slowly and gently pressed his hands to Harry's. Slowly they took breaths in turn until Harry had calmed.
Harry pulled his hands away and blushed a little.
Remus knew it was hard for Harry to initiate physical contact, but this had been the most effective grounding technique they had practiced. Harry seemed to find comfort in the contact, even if he wasn't ready to accept much more.
"Good job." Remus praised quietly.
Harry rarely got through a session without his anxiety getting to be to much. They practiced different techniques frequently and Remus always tried to praise and reassure Harry. To remind him that he was doing well and that his emotions weren't something to be ashamed of.
They hadn't talked much about his childhood unless something seemed to connect. Mostly they'd talked about the traumas he'd suffered at school. Each day this week seemed to cover a school year.
There had been plenty of surprises.
Remus wished he'd known about what had been happening in Harry's detentions last year. He also had some choice words for Severus about the occlumency lessons. He wouldn't confront the man though. He'd reassured Harry every day that what he said would stay between them. That he wasn't talking to Sirius. That he wouldn't tell anyone.
Remus could tell even with his stories from school there were things he'd kept to himself, but Remus hadn't pushed.
"I'm sorry." Harry mumbled.
Remus shook his head and gave him a sad smile.
"It's okay. I'm always here if you need me. How are you feeling now?" Remus asked.
Harry sighed and shrugged.
"I'm fine." Harry muttered.
Remus lips pinched together. Harry often used fine when he was shutting them out, and he didn't want to admit how he was feeling.
"Could you try using a different word?" Remus coaxed.
Harry bit his lip.
"Not great." Harry said brokenly before he looked down at his knees.
Remus took a deep breath. He was thankful that Harry had been honest, but he wished Harry wasn't hurting so much.
"Yeah, I can see that. Would you like to talk about it?" Remus asked.
Harry's bottom lip quivered a little and he shook his head.
Remus remembered the small jar of tea Severus had given them. He'd forgotten to put it in the kitchen. Remus wondered if bringing up Severus now would make things worse. Harry seemed to actively avoid talking about the man. Even during their sessions, he glossed over things when Severus got brought up.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Remus asked.
"I set the wards off." Harry admitted quietly.
Remus nodded. He felt that was rather obvious.
"It startled me. I…er…I don't like loud noises. Not when I'm not expecting them." Harry said quietly.
Remus nodded. He hadn't intended for the wards to upset Harry.
"I'm sorry." Remus said quietly.
Harry shrugged. He refused to talk about the safety wards. He had just accepted his limitations and moved on. Not that Remus wanted them going off all the time, but it was very out of character for a teenager to just accept rules. Not without testing there limits.
Remus was sure that had a lot to do with his upbringing.
"Can you tell me what set the wards off?" Remus asked.
Harry shrugged.
"Did you try to hurt yourself? Or use magic to try and hurt yourself?" Remus asked calmly.
Harry looked at him with alarmed eyes and shook his head.
"No. I promise. I…I didn't." Harry said, the panic returning to his voice.
Remus set his hands on his own knees. Something he had started doing when Harry seemed panicked. Harry would often track his hands and Remus had discovered he actually talked with his hands a lot.
"Harry, I'm not upset and I'm not assuming or accusing you. I'm just trying to understand what happened. The wards are in place for your safety. Something you did alerted the wards that what you were doing might pose a danger to you. I'd like to understand what happened." Remus said calmly.
Harry nodded.
"I cast…er… I cast a silencing spell." Harry muttered.
Remus nodded. He hadn't considered that. They left the doors open at night so that they could hear Harry if he needed them. A silencing spell would impede that.
Harry wasn't allowed much privacy at the moment except in the shower while George guarded the door. Remus considered his next words carefully. He'd like to know why he'd tried to cast the spell. However, he didn't want to further upset or embarrass Harry. He was a teenager, and having a little privacy was important.
He wanted to make sure Harry hadn't cast it with the intention of hurting himself or attempting to leave.
Remus took a deep breath before he took the plunge.
"Why did you cast a silencing spell?" Remus asked.
Harry blushed and looked down at his hands.
Remus bit his lip and sighed. Perhaps he should just apologize and let Harry be. It was nearly dawn and they were likely to only get a little more sleep tonight if any.
"I…" Remus started before Harry interrupted.
"I had a nightmare." Harry whispered.
Remus heart clenched.
"I didn't want to accidently wake you guys up." Harry continued quietly.
Remus sighed. They hadn't heard anything before the alarm. Remus had checked on Harry most nights and he'd seemed restless in his sleep. He hadn't realized he'd been having nightmares.
"Do you have nightmares often?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded but kept his head down.
Remus nodded and considered the room for a moment.
"I'm sorry Harry. That can be really hard. You don't need to be embarrassed though; we all have them. I had a pretty bad one last night." Remus admitted quietly.
Harry looked up and considered him for a moment.
"About what?" Harry asked.
Remus sighed.
"Something that happened in the last war." Remus said looking down at his hands.
"Sometimes those things stay with you. When we wake up it's hard to remember that they are in the past. Especially now." Remus said, thinking about how bad things were getting again.
Remus smiled sadly when Harry tentatively reached out and touched the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry that you have to go through that." Harry said softly.
Remus nodded before he looked up. Harry's hand still touching his gently.
"We'll make it through." Remus said with a firm nod.
Harry gave him a sad smile and nodded.
"I… I was dreaming about saving Susan." Harry whispered softly.
Remus nodded. He knew that would have stuck with Harry. Especially after seeing his drawing.
"That was a hard night." Remus said.
Harry nodded before he pulled his hand back and laid it in his lap.
"I killed two people." Harry whispered.
Remus wasn't sure if Harry was telling him or was just needing to say it out loud.
"You protected two people as well." Remus countered.
Harry sighed and nodded.
"I don't know who they are. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. I know they were Death Eaters but…" Harry sighed.
"But what Harry?" Remus asked curiously.
"Voldemort controls them. The Mark is a slavery bond. Did they choose to take it? Were they forced? Did they want to be there, doing what they were doing?" Harry asked.
Remus swallowed hard. It was a difficult thing to think about, though he supposed anyone in a war thought about it at some point. We're the death's justified, or were they just pawns of two bigger powers?
"I think about Snape and Draco and Regulus. They didn't want to be there." Harry whispered softly.
Remus brows creased at the mention of Sirius little brother. How could Harry have any idea about his position in the war? Sirius rarely talked about him. They also hadn't spoken for over a year before his death.
He decided to leave it for now until he could speak with Sirius.
"It's why I removed Draco and Snape's Dark Marks." Harry admitted softly.
Remus was shocked and confused by Harry's statement. He'd removed there Dark Marks? How? When?
Remus shook his head. It wasn't the most important thing right now. Though he certainly had questions.
"It's difficult to know. War is bloody and destructive. Something far to many in our world have seen. I can't say whether they wanted to be there or not. I don't know how they found themselves there. I do know that what you did was likely the only way Susan would have left that house." Remus said.
He'd talked to Amelia and knew that Harry's actions had saved both of their lives. They'd been outnumbered to start with, and more Death Eaters had arrived as they had fled.
Harry nodded.
Remus considered for a moment. He knew the names of the Death Eaters. In his own opinion, the world was better without them. He wouldn't say that to Harry though. Harry was obviously struggling with the deaths he'd caused. They'd all faced that in varying degrees during the first war.
"I'm aware of their names." Remus said quietly.
Harry looked at him pleadingly.
Remus swallowed hard and hoped he was making the right decision. He worried not telling Harry might lead to other issues if Harry did return to Hogwarts, as both men had connections to Harry's classmates.
"There names are Thomas Nott and Steven Parkinson." Remus said neutrally.
Harry stared at him blankly before looking down at his hands.
"Teddy's dad and Pansy's dad?" Harry asked softly.
Remus was surprised by Harry using such familiar names for his classmates.
"Theodores father, yes. The other man was Pansy's Uncle." Remus explained.
Harry closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Fuck." Harry cursed softly.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were friends with the kids." Remus said softly.
He'd not even considered that Harry might be close with the Slytherin students. He'd never heard Harry mention them.
Harry shook his head and opened his eyes.
"I'm not. They're Draco's best friends though. He…" Harry trailed off.
"The last night I was at Snape's…we… we talked for a long time. Draco talked about them a lot." Harry said sadly.
Remus was surprised to hear Harry mention that night at all. Harry hadn't said anything about that day. Not going to the cemetery, not what he had done after, not what had led to the suicide attempt. Nothing. He rarely even talked about his time living at Severus' house nor his time in Cokeworth. To be honest he almost exclusively talked about his time at Hogwarts.
"I see." Remus responded.
"Dammit." Harry muttered as his fist's clenched.
"Draco's going to hate me again too." Harry said, through suppressed tears.
"I'm sure that's not true Harry. Draco was with you." Remus said.
Harry shook his head.
"He was, but the Death Eater's were wearing masks. I doubt he knows who they were." Harry sighed.
Remus didn't know what else to say. He didn't know how Draco would respond. He didn't want to give Harry false reassurance.
"Can we please stop?" Harry asked.
Remus nodded.
It was the middle of the night. Harry had already had a nightmare, been scared by the alarm, and had a difficult conversation. The day wasn't off to a good start.
A soft mew sounded from the bed and Remus saw Edgar looking over the edge of the bed. Harry absently raised his hand and pet the cat. The cat bumped heads with Harry before smoothly stepping on his shoulder and sliding down into Harry's lap.
"I'll let you be. Would you like a little dreamless sleep?" Remus asked.
It was to late for Harry to have a whole dose, but if he wanted a little, he could have some. A few more hours of sleep would do them all a world of good.
Harry shook his head.
"No, thank you." Harry said quietly as he pet the kitten.
Remus sighed before standing.
"Very well. Please try and get a little more rest." Remus said softly.
Harry bit his lip as he stared at the books on the bookshelf in the sitting room. Remus didn't have the vast collection that Snape had but it was still a decent collection. There were other books scattered about the house in little piles. Harry never touched them, even while cleaning he would simply levitate them and clean under before putting them right back.
Harry wasn't able to rest anymore. He'd been studying all morning with Edgar sleeping in his lap.
He'd run across a note in his runes book and wanted to know more but he didn't have more books on the subject. Remus had several.
Remus and Sirius still weren't up. He was starting to get hungry, but he wouldn't wake them for that, or anything if he was honest.
Harry sighed.
"They don't bite. At least none of mine. Can't promise Sirius hasn't brought home something he thinks is funny." Remus said.
Harry jumped and spun around, his heart pounding in his ears. He hadn't heard the door open or Remus walking into the room.
"I…I wasn't." Harry stuttered.
Remus raised his hand and walked around the couch.
"It's fine Harry. I'm sorry I startled you. Feel free to read anything you like." Remus said with a nod before turning away and walking to the kitchen.
Harry shook his head and followed Remus.
"I'll get breakfast started." Harry mumbled.
"Do you mind if I help this morning?" Remus asked.
Harry looked warily at the man. They'd mostly let him be in the kitchen.
"I found a recipe I'd like to try." Remus said with a soft smile.
Harry bit his lip and nodded.
"Of course. It's your kitchen." Harry mumbled as he walked to the sink to wash his hands.
Harry stared at his plate. Remus had made some sort of fruit crumble. It looked good but Harry could see traces of some sort of magical aura in it that he couldn't quite identify. He was sure Remus wouldn't put anything dangerous in their food, but it still made him feel uncomfortable.
"Here." Remus said holding out the two potions' vials to Harry.
Harry nodded and took them. He looked at them for a moment and when he was sure the aura was right, he took the stomach soother and a swallow of the calming draught. Then he handed them back to Remus.
Harry watched curiously as Remus pulled out another potion.
"Here's yours." Remus said and handed a potion to Sirius.
Harry didn't recognize it.
He bit his lip debating weather or not to ask. He shook his head and looked back at his plate. It wasn't his business.
He nibbled at the eggs he had cooked but steadfastly avoided Remus' crumble.
"That was delicious." Sirius said, clapping his hands and leaning back in his chair.
Harry hummed.
"Don't like the crumble?" Sirius asked.
Harry just shrugged.
"May I be excused." Harry asked, not wanting to be dragged into a conversation about his eating habits, again.
"Yes." Remus said quietly.
Harry stood and cleared his plate before setting to his cleaning for the day.
George sighed as he floo'd into Lupin cottage. There had been an attack on the alley last night and they'd not gotten much sleep. Thankfully, it hadn't cost any lives, but Fortescue's ice cream shop had been nearly burned to the ground.
"Good morning." Remus said from the couch.
George nodded.
George looked around for Harry and after not seeing him stepped closer to Remus.
"Dumbledore wanted me to give you this. There was another attack last night. There's a meeting tonight." George said holding out the piece of parchment that he'd gotten from Dumbledore last night.
Remus brows furrowed as he took the note and read it over.
"Was everyone okay?" Remus asked.
George swallowed and nodded.
"It was close. Fred and I went to help. Tonks is in the hospital wing with a pretty bad burn, but she'll be alright I think." George said softly.
Remus nodded.
"Listen, um…If you guys want to go to the meeting I can stay with Harry. Fred can fill me in later." George offered.
He and Fred had already discussed it.
Remus nodded.
"I'll speak with Sirius while you're here and let you know." Remus said looking over his shoulder and down the hall.
"We had a rough night. Harrys in his room." Remus said softly.
George sighed before nodding and heading down the hall.
Harry had been at Lupin cottage for two weeks now and seemed to be improving. He was still not doing great, but it seemed like Remus and Sirius had taken his advice about getting to know Harry.
George smiled softly at Harry when he reached the door. Edgar was over his shoulders like a scarf and Harry had a quill tucked behind his ear as he read a book.
"Hey." George said softly.
Harry looked up and smiled back a little.
"Hi." Harry replied.
George could tell Harry hadn't slept. His eyes were bloodshot, and they seemed a little dark underneath again.
He hoped it had just been a bad night and that things weren't getting worse.
"Sorry. I just need a second." Harry said, pulling the quill from his ear and jotting something down.
"No rush. Shops closed today." George said as he walked into the room and sat on the desk chair.
Harry gave him a concerned look as he gathered his things.
"Don't worry about it." George said, shaking his head softly.
He didn't want to talk about it. There was also the look Harry got every time the war was mentioned that George didn't want to see on his face.
Harry quickly gathered his supplies and headed to the bathroom.
George never commented on there little ritual. He knew Harry felt uncomfortable with the arrangement, but he was more uncomfortable without George here. He hoped that at some point Harry would feel safe enough with Remus and Sirius that he wouldn't need to do this. Or that the safety wards would come down as Harry did better.
As far as George was aware, Harry hadn't done anything concerning since he'd been here, other than scratch at his arms. Even that seemed to have only happened a few times. He knew they were worried about Harry, but they also couldn't keep him in a bubble forever. Harry would be headed back to school in two weeks' time, and he certainly wouldn't have this level of protection.
Remus and Sirius stepped out of there bedroom and George nodded to them. They almost never talked when he was here.
"Sirius and I would like to attend the meeting. We've already missed one. We also were wondering if you might stay with Harry for a little while this morning?" Remus asked.
George nodded.
"We closed the shop for the day. About half the alley was closed this morning. I can stay with Harry. You both look like you could use a little time to yourselves." George said with a nod.
They looked relieved.
"Thank you. We have a few errands to run." Sirius responded.
George nodded.
"He seems a bit upset. I imagine he'll be in there for a while. I can let him know you'll be back later." George offered.
They looked at one another in consideration before nodding.
"We'd appreciate that. Please send your patronus for any reason. We shouldn't be anywhere we can't receive one." Remus stated.
George nodded and went back to leaning against the wall as they headed to the sitting room.
George sat heavily under what had become there tree. Harry had asked to go for a walk after he'd been told they were spending the day together. Harry seemed relieved to get outside and George wondered if they were keeping him locked up in the house.
Harry sat gently next to him and pulled at a blade of grass in front of him.
George made sure that he checked on Harry every day, but they hadn't talked much this week.
"How have—"
"Can I—"
They both started.
George laughed a little.
"Go ahead." George said.
Harry blushed a little and shook his head.
"Never mind." Harry said softly.
George sighed. He wished Harry would open up a little to him. He could tell Harry wanted to talk but sometimes Harry just got too caught up in his own mind.
"It's okay. I was just going to ask how you were doing." George said.
Harry sighed.
"I'm okay…I guess. Long night." Harry said looking out across the clearing.
George nodded.
"Sorry. Anything you want to talk about?" George asked.
Harry shrugged.
"Just nightmares. I'm…I'm fine." Harry sighed.
"Okay. You know I'm here." George answered.
Harry looked over at him and gave him a tight smile and nodded.
"I know. I…I don't think I would be doing very well without you." Harry admitted softly.
"I'll always be here when you need me." George said firmly.
They sat quietly and enjoyed the warm weather for a while before Harry shuffled around and pulled something from his pocket.
"What have you got there?" George asked curiously.
Harry bit his lip and sent a worried glance over to George before blushing heavily and looking away. George's brows furrowed in concern.
"I… er…um…" Harry started before sighing and running a hand through his hair.
"Never mind." Harry said resignedly.
"What is it? You know I won't judge you." George said softly.
Harry groaned.
"I just can't do this with Remus and Sirius. They…um… they gave me a bunch of books a few weeks ago and I just…I'm worried it'll get brought back up. I'd like to be able to say I don't have any questions…but I do. I wrote them down thinking I could avoid the actual conversation but…I don't think I can even do that." Harry said quietly.
George had no idea what Harry was talking about, but he was willing to help Harry if he could.
"Okay. Can I see?" George asked.
Harry blushed again and he stared down at the parchment in his hand.
"I… Er… I messed up last week and…um…I think that mistake is going to make this conversation happen sooner…I just I wasn't ready for it before and now I just can't. Remus already said we'd have to 'talk sooner rather than later'. And I don't want to." Harry admitted.
George still felt lost but nodded.
"How did you mess up?" George asked.
Harry viewed lots of things as mistakes. Some genuinely were. Others were completely acceptable, but the outcome or reaction upset Harry. However, George worried that Harry might have done something dangerous and that did worry him. He didn't want to see Harry back in the hospital wing.
Harry sighed and resolutely stared out across the clearing.
"I had an asthma attack and…um Remus is keeping all my potions." Harry admitted with a bit of an edge in his tone.
George nodded. He'd never explicitly been told what Harry had done but he'd gathered, other then the damage to his arms, he had taken something. Likely potions.
"I er…knocked on their door to get my inhaler." Harry said quietly.
George leaned in as it was getting hard to hear Harry.
"I know you sometimes feel like you're a burden to people Harry, but I doubt that they were bothered that you knocked on their door." George said.
Harry sighed and blushed again.
"Remus came to the door without a shirt on…I… I think I interrupted them." Harry said so softly George just barely caught it.
George felt his face warm a bit. That was awkward. He had shared a room with his dormmates for years and knew how awkward it was to come in at the wrong time.
George shook his head and tried ridding himself of the memories.
"Sorry." George said genuinely.
Harry nodded and stared down at the paper again.
"So, what's on the paper?" George asked.
Harry sighed again.
"They um…They tried to talk to me about…stuff… a few weeks ago but I just…I couldn't. They just left me with some books and said that if I had questions I could ask. But…um… Remus could tell I was upset after I knocked on their door and said that he knew I was uncomfortable and now were going to have to talk about it and I…I just can't." Harry stuttered out.
George could see that Harry was shaking and his breathing was getting a little erratic.
"Harry. It's okay. Take a deep breath. I know this is hard for you but nothing bad is happening right now. Okay?" George said softly.
Harry lowered his head into his hands and took slow long breaths.
George waited for Harry's breathing to level out while he thought. He assumed Harry was saying that they'd tried to have a sex talk with him, and he'd shut down. Which given what he'd learned this summer about Harry wasn't surprising at all. He wondered if they knew.
Harry had said that he'd told Snape, and surely Snape would have told them. Harry had some perverted monster shadowing him. Harry could be at risk of running into this guy again.
George sighed and shook his head. Every time he thought about it, he felt ready to explode. He couldn't believe how little protection Harry had had. It made him livid at himself that he hadn't done something when they'd been at the world cup.
Now though Harry was struggling with a different but not wholly unrelated problem. George was surprised that no one had talked to Harry before this. He shouldn't be, but he was.
George knew that in his family they were each sat down with there dad before leaving for third year. He was calm and answered any questions. It hadn't been a big deal. However, George knew that Harry's relatives had never bothered doing anything for Harry. Unsurprisingly they hadn't bothered with this either.
If Harry didn't feel comfortable talking to Remus and Sirius than George would be there for him.
"Sorry." Harry mumbled.
"It's okay." George murmured softly.
They sat quietly for a bit longer before Harry sighed and handed George the parchment in his hand.
"Don't laugh…or tell anyone…I just…I don't know." Harry whispered.
"Of course I won't." George said softly as he unfolded the parchment.
George squinted a little at Harry's messy handwriting.
He read over the lengthy list of questions slowly thinking of answers as he went. Some were pretty standard questions that anyone might have. Some seemed to be a mix of magical and muggle information contradicting each other. Then there were some really heart-breaking ones.
"Harry." George called softly.
Harry looked over to him, his face a mix of fear and sorrow.
"I can answer these for you, but I have a couple of questions. Is that okay?" George asked.
Harry looked away and nodded.
"Okay. Would you like to stay here and talk about this, or would you rather go back to the house?" George asked.
"Here." Harry mumbled.
"I can tell you're already upset. Are you sure you don't want to wait and just talk to Remus?" George asked.
Harry shook his head quickly.
George figured that was the answer, but he just wanted to check. He didn't have any calming draught and he'd hate to have to call Remus and Sirius back if Harry needed one.
George nodded and looked down at the page.
"Thank you for trusting me with this. I will do what I can to answer your questions." George said gently.
Harry nodded but didn't look up at him.
"Your questions about protection are a little confusing to me. I'm guessing you read some muggle books too, so I will answer them the best I can." George said.
Harry nodded.
"Okay. So, there are spells that prevent disease, which is pretty rare in the Wixen world anyway, because of the spells. There are also potions, both preventive and curative. There are also birth control spells that can be used with any partner. Again, there are also potions, although those can have complications if there is already a pregnancy." George explained.
Harry's brows furrowed but he nodded.
"What's not making sense?" George asked.
"I…er…wouldn't you only use a birth control spell with…well with a female partner?" Harry asked very quietly, like someone might overhear them.
George smiled softly.
"Typically, yes. There are instances were a male partner has become pregnant though, so most people just use the spells for anyone they don't intend to make a child with, or at least don't plan to right now." George answered.
Harry's eyebrows shot into his hairline.
"What?" Harry whispered harshly.
George laughed.
"I've heard that's not common in the muggle world." George said.
Harry shook his head and looked up to the sky for a moment.
"It's not 'Not common', It's not possible. The anatomy isn't right. Do Wizards have different anatomy?" Harry asked, turning to look at George again.
George shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know. I think a little bit. Does that bother you?" George asked curiously.
Harry stared into the distance for a minute before nodding.
George frowned.
"My aunt was right; I am a freak." Harry murmured.
George sighed.
"No, you're not. You're a perfectly normal wizard." George answered.
Harry just sighed.
"Anyway, it's not very common. Most male couples use a surrogate. Which is usually done with potions if I remember correctly." George responded.
Harry nodded.
"Right, that's how Remus and Sirius are…are my parents." Harry sighed.
It was George's turn to be confused.
"What?" George asked.
"They did some sort of experimental potion so that when I was born, I was all of their child." Harry answered softly, as he went back to picking at the grass.
George's head spun at that answer. He'd never heard of such a thing.
"Were they all together?" George asked.
Harry flushed red as a tomato and shook his head then stopped and shrugged.
"I…I don't know. I don't think so…Do you think that's why they did that?" Harry asked in embarrassed alarm.
George didn't know what to think.
"I don't know. I can't imagine having a child with someone I wasn't with…but…." George trailed off with a shrug.
Harry just stared at him like he had the answer.
"You could ask them." George suggested.
Harry blushed again and shook his head.
George just shrugged.
Harry groaned.
"I didn't even consider that as a possibility. Merlin, this whole situation is so messed up." Harry said, burying his face in his hands.
"Do you want to continue with your questions?" George asked softly.
Harry groaned again and eventually nodded.
"Okay." George said looking back down at the paper.
"I'm not sure what condoms are, so you'll need to ask someone else. If it's a muggle thing maybe you can ask dad." George said off handedly.
Harry's head shot up and the alarmed look was back.
"Dad gave us all this talk. He's got it perfected by now." George said with a laugh.
Harry still looked distressed.
"Just ask Sirius or Remus. They aren't going to yell or hurt you or anything else for asking a question. I'm not sure Remus even knows how to get proper mad." George said.
"He does." Harry whispered.
George brows creased in concern, and he set the parchment down and looked at Harry.
"What do you mean?" George asked seriously.
Harry fiddled with his fingers.
"He knows how to get mad." Harry said softly.
"What happened?" George asked, feeling like a heavy weight had dropped into his stomach.
Harry shrugged and kept staring at his hands.
"Harry, what did Remus do?" George nearly growled.
"He yelled at Sirius. It was my fault though." Harry said softly.
George sighed in annoyance.
"I'm sorry you saw them fighting. I'm sure that was upsetting, but it wasn't your fault. They are adults and have their own issues. My parents fight sometimes too. Usually not when we're around but it happens if mom is in a real mood." George said.
"Sirius fell asleep on the couch and… it released the safety wards. Remus was mad because the wards were down." Harry mumbled.
George sighed.
"Did you…did you do anything you weren't supposed to do?" George asked carefully.
Harry shrugged.
"I just cleaned and cooked breakfast." Harry mumbled.
George nodded.
"Don't worry too much, okay?" George tried to soothe.
George looked back at the list.
"Your questions about…er…personal time don't have a right answer. If you do…pleasure yourself... that's fine. There's nothing wrong with doing that." George answered. Though he found himself blushing a little.
Harry looked at him and furrowed his brows a little before looking away.
"Is it…um…normal to not do that?" Harry asked quietly.
George raised an eyebrow and shrugged his shoulder.
"I have no idea what's normal. Never took a poll in the dorm." George said with a little laugh, trying to lighten the tension.
Harry looked more stressed though.
"Do you not?" George asked.
Harry blushed deep red again and shook his head as he looked back down at his hands.
"That's okay too. If you don't feel like it or you just don't want to it's fine." George said calmly.
Harry nodded unsurely and George looked back at the list.
The other questions were more sensitive, and he knew Harry was asking about them because of his experiences. He hoped he didn't mess this up.
He cleared his throat but couldn't bring himself to look at Harry.
"Your um…Your questions about pain…um the answer is, no. There shouldn't be pain for either of you. Not if you take your time and make sure that your both listening to one another." George said softly.
Harry looked a little green and he hadn't even looked up this time when George had started talking. George could see the embarrassment and shame clearly on Harry's face.
"Don't be embarrassed. You didn't do anything wrong." George said earnestly, trying to control the anger in his chest.
Harry just shrugged.
"These last couple of questions…um I'm not sure where you got that impression but it's wrong." George said softly.
"What that man did to you isn't the same as choosing to be with someone. He took that choice away from you. You were too young to consent to anything anyway. None of what was forced on you determines who you will be attracted to either. It doesn't matter if your body reacted or not. The physical components involved are separate from the violence you experienced." George said earnestly.
Harry looked down at his hands and George could see tears running down his cheeks.
"One of the books Remus gave me said that it didn't matter what the context was, that I had chosen it. That if I thought it wasn't something I wanted I must have done something to invite it. That it was amoral and sinful. That homosexual relationships are always wrong. That those who engaged in that behavior were disgusting." Harry choked out softly, the tears falling from his face faster.
George's jaw clenched tighter. It was a very muggle mentality.
"Harry, Sirius and Remus are together, do you really think that's how they view their relationship?" George asked.
Harry sniffled and shook his head.
"Do you find them 'sinful' or 'disgusting'? Do you think of me that way?" George asked with a little heat in his voice.
He wasn't angry at Harry. He was angry at anyone that spread that kind of garbage. He'd heard it from Muggleborns and Half-bloods who had been raised in the muggle world. They had such a backwards view of love and relationships. It was disturbing.
Harry looked at him brokenly and shook his head.
"Of course not. I'd never think that of anyone." Harry whispered.
George nodded.
"Then why can't you see that applies to you as well?" George asked quietly.
Harry sighed deeply.
"I never had the same rules. Freaks don't sit on the furniture. Freaks do all the cleaning. Freaks don't need food. Freaks don't need medicine. Freaks don't need a room. I'm a freak. I always have been. Why wouldn't the rules be different with this too? It's not like I haven't heard all of this before." Harry said brokenly as he wrapped his arms around himself.
George sighed before setting the parchment on the ground.
"May I hug you?" George asked softly.
Harry shook his head as more tears raced down his cheeks. His body rocked hard with a choked sob.
A moment later Harry nodded and scooted closer before leaning into George.
George wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him close.
"You're not a freak. You're not dirty or anything else like that. I swear. You deserved everything that you were denied. You're a human being and you deserve food, and shelter and proper care. Don't let them live in your head. They can't hurt you anymore." George murmured into Harry's hair.
"As far as I'm concerned you can burn the book that said that rubbish. Don't think about it for a moment longer. It's garbage. You just be who you are." George murmured.
Harry burrowed tighter into the hug and cried harder.
George felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest at the sound of Harry's sobs. He gently rubbed Harry's back.
Sirius rolled his neck as Albus droned on. There had been an attack in Diagon and there were whispers of additional attacks in London. Sirius couldn't focus though.
He and Remus had gone to muggle London and bought some things for Harry. They'd bought him some more clothing as well as a new set of toiletries. Remus said he was concerned that Harry was still exclusively living out of his trunk. Remus thought if they got some things to help him settle into the house it might help.
Remus had bought Harry a weighted blanket to put in the living room, his own mug to put in the kitchen and a couple of frames so he could put up some photos in his room. They'd also collected a few things from the Potter vault. They'd agreed to leave it mostly untouched for Harry, but they knew there were photo albums that Harry would probably like to have.
This morning had startled him. Remus said Harry had had a nightmare and the wards had gone off because he'd tried to put up a silencing spell.
They discussed dismantling some of the wards. Harry was showing signs of improvement and the alarm going off had upset Harry more.
"Sirius?" Remus called softly from beside him.
"Hmm?" Sirius mumbled when he turned to look at Remus.
"You okay?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded.
"The meeting is over." Remus said.
Sirius looked around and realized that the room was clearing out.
"Oh, sorry." Sirius said softly as he stood up.
"It's okay. Severus and Minerva would like a word before we go." Remus informed him.
Sirius nodded and followed Remus out of the office and down the long corridor towards Minerva's office.
"Come in." Minerva said softly.
Sirius followed Remus and took a seat next to him. He nodded to Severus who had a stiff look on his face.
"We'd like to know if you've thought anymore about coming to Hogwarts. We are unfortunately running out of time. I worry Albus will make another unfortunate choice if we don't present this soon." Minerva said, her face pinched in concern.
Remus sighed and reached out taking Sirius' hand. Sirius gave it a gentle squeeze. They had talked about it. They had decided it would be the best choice, but it came with some more immediate drawbacks that Remus was worried about.
"We have discussed it and I think we are interested." Remus said quietly.
"But?" Minerva asked, folding her hands on her desk and studying them.
"In order for me to take the position as a mind healer I will need to get certified. In order to do that I will need to leave the country. Sirius and I… We also think that if were going to leave we might get married since… Well since my condition will limit us here." Remus said softly.
Minerva and Snape both nodded.
"I don't see the problem. You have a couple of weeks to get that sorted." Severus said flatly.
Remus sighed.
"I'm afraid of traveling with Harry. Travel has become increasingly dangerous. Especially since so few places have werewolf rights. Taking Harry could potentially put us all at risk. He's to much of a target. However, I'm not sure he is stable enough for us to leave him behind. We've been making progress as a family but one of Harry's biggest fears is abandonment, and I don't want to feed that. Even if us leaving is ultimately so that we can spend more time with him." Remus explained.
Sirius rubbed Remus hand gently. Remus had been stressing a lot lately. Sirius was doing his best to be helpful and supportive. He knew he'd made a lot of mistakes recently and he was trying to make it up to Remus. The potions were helping. He also hadn't had a drink since he'd passed out on the couch. It wasn't much but it was something.
Severus sighed.
"What do you think would be the best way to go about this?" Severus asked.
Remus ran his hand through his hair.
"Harry seems most comfortable with George. He comes to the house twice a day. I can't ask him to watch Harry for a week though. He's just a kid himself, not to mention he has a business to run. I think the burrow will be too overwhelming for him just yet. His friends don't know what's going on and I don't think he's ready to tell them." Remus began.
"What do you suggest?" Severus asked.
Remus took a deep breath and Sirius knew what he was going to say, and they had agreed it would be for the best.
"If you are willing, I think Harry returning to your home would be for the best. I'm not sure how else to go about this without risking Harry's physical safety or his emotional wellbeing. I'm not sure it's a perfect idea but…" Remus said trailing off with a shrug.
Severus jaw clenched and Sirius could see the pain in the other man's eyes.
"We haven't discussed this with Harry yet. We want him to be involved in this decision. Sirius and I intend to lessen the wards at the cottage and see how things go. We still have two weeks before the new term begins. Will need roughly a week to accomplish what we need to do. I also imagine Harry will want to go to the burrow for at least the last night before term. He usually does his trip to Diagon with them." Remus finished.
Sirius nodded along.
Sirius could see the concern all over everyone's faces. This was a stressful decision, but they were afraid to send Harry back to Hogwarts without support. Especially since this would be his first year without the twins also attending.
"I got the impression Mr. Potter was not interested in seeing me. I wonder if this is the best decision. I will also need to return to the school a day or two before term to prepare." Severus said twiddling his thumbs and not really looking at them.
"Harry has been hesitant to talk about anything that has happened this summer. I'm not sure if Harry is having an issue with you specifically or if you have just been a part of this summer." Remus answered.
Severus sighed.
"Very well. I would be willing to take him back for the week before school, provided the last two day's he can go to the Burrow. I…we have a mission to go on with the headmaster and I intend to close up my house before we go. Then I intend to come to the school to get things sorted. With that, I still need to find a safe place for Draco to go while I do that." Severus stated.
Sirius raised a curious eyebrow. He hadn't heard anything about the mission. Although he hadn't exactly been present for the meeting.
"We're not currently allowed to share." Minerva said.
Sirius sighed. He wished Albus could trust more of them with what was going on. Though he supposed it was something that he was including someone else in his planning.
"We understand." Remus said softly.
"We'll contact you in the next few days to let you know if that plan will work out." Remus said softly before standing.
Severus and Minerva nodded.
"I think we should do something with Harry before we leave." Sirius said softly, as they walked from Minerva's office to the hospital wing to see Tonks.
Remus looked at him curiously.
"What are you thinking?" Remus asked.
Sirius sighed.
"Harry has had a difficult summer. He's been fighting his way through all of it. I…I think he's improving like you said but I've been watching him. He's working himself into the ground. He's either cleaning or cooking or studying. He's going to burn himself out if he keeps up like that. I think a little break might be nice." Sirius said softly.
Remus nodded and smiled.
"That's a good idea. What did you have in mind? I'm sure Harry would like to get out of the house for a bit, but it's not exactly safe for him to just be out." Remus asked.
"I was thinking maybe we set up a tent in the woods on the property. We could still be in the wards, not far from the necessities if we need them. Just camp out for a few days, like we did that summer before sixth year at Potter manor." Sirius said. His voice was a little thick with nostalgia.
Remus smiled softly.
"I like that idea." Remus said with a nod.
"Do you suppose we should talk with Harry before we go camping? or after?" Sirius asked.
Remus sighed.
"Before. He'll know something is up. It's best to just get in front of it." Remus said with a nod.
"It's getting late. We should probably head back." George said softly.
Harry hummed and burrowed tighter into George.
George huffed a laugh.
Harry pulled away and smiled a little sadly at George. He bit his lip and seemed to be considering something.
"What?" George asked as he stood and stretched his back.
"um…nothing." Harry said shaking his head, as he also stood.
George watched Harry for a moment. He was blushing and staring at the ground.
"I think I've proven I won't judge you, Harry. You can say anything to me. I'm just here for you." George said softly.
Harry kept entirely too much to himself.
"Can I…" Harry started before sighing and running his hand through his hair.
"Can I kiss you?" Harry mumbled very softly.
George raised an eyebrow at the unexpected question. He'd not expected it at all. He smiled softly at the light blush on Harry's cheeks. It was very cute.
"No." George said softly.
Harry's eyes clouded a bit, and he looked back at the house and nodded.
"Okay." Harry mumbled.
"Harry." George called.
Harry briefly looked at him and then away.
George walked closer and held out his hands. He waited until Harry took them and looked up at him.
"I don't know how to define the relationship I have with you. It's incredibly unique. I used to think of you like a brother, but that never felt quite right. I thought maybe I liked you romantically for a while or at least had a crush on you, but that's not right either. I don't know how to describe how I feel when I'm with you." George said softly, looking into Harry's beautiful green eyes.
"I don't want to lead you on though. I…um…I've been talking to someone. I think we might go on a date soon. It's a little complicated." George started.
George felt Harry pull his hands away.
"Oh…er…Sorry…I just…" Harry said before shaking his head.
"I know. That's the other reason I'm saying no. I think you might be feeling gratitude towards me for being here, and I think those feelings aren't truly clear to you. I also…I worry you might feel like you owe me something, and you definitely don't. Certainly not that way. You never owe your body to anyone, no matter what they do. I love you, Harry. I always will. I'll always be here for you, but as your friend. Even if our friendship is a little unique." George said softly.
Harry gave him a sad smile and nodded.
"Thank you for being here." Harry said before he took a tentative step forward and opened his arms.
George smiled and stepped into the brief hug.
They walk quietly back to the house. Both enjoying the mild evening.
"Before we go in…I…I want to tell you something." Harry said, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
Harry sounded serious.
George turned and studied Harry. His eyes had that blank look in them that George hated seeing.
Harry took a deep breath and looked out at the woods they had just left.
"I learned something the night I…the night I hurt myself. Something that's going to change the way the war plays out. Something really bad. Something no one else can know." Harry said softly.
George brows furrowed. Harry hadn't said anything about his suicide attempt before now. At least not to him.
"Did you have a vision?" George asked.
Harry shook his head.
"No. I read it in a book. I wish I didn't know. I…I wasn't doing well before I learned this information. There was just to much happening. Learning it just…it was like the final kick over the edge." Harry explained.
Harry took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
"I have to die." Harry said.
George's breath caught.
"Harry." George breathed softly.
"Harry, if you're thinking about hurting yourself again, I think we should talk to Remus." George said worriedly.
Harry shook his head.
"I won't do that again. Not now at least." Harry said, his voice getting a little rough.
"I'm going to do everything I can to protect my friends and…and family. I'm making plans for the DA. I hope I can minimize how many die." Harry said with a firm nod.
"In the end I need to die though. If I don't die, Voldemort can't die." Harry said softly.
George felt tears well in his eyes at the calm way Harry had just talked about his impending demise.
"Like a prophecy or something? Those aren't always right." George asked sadly. Hoping that it wasn't true.
Harry shook his head.
"There is a prophecy. You were with me when we went to the Department of mysteries…but this…this is something else, something foul. I just I needed someone other than Dumbledore to know." Harry said, resignation heavy in his voice.
George sucked in a deep breath to keep himself from crying. Tears pooled in his eyes anyway. They'd just gotten Harry back. Now he was saying he was going to die anyway.
"Are…are you sure?" George choked out.
Harry nodded.
"Yes." Harry whispered.
George stared over Harry's head and tried not to sob.
"Don't tell the others." Harry whispered.
George nodded. He'd kept Harry's secrets for years. He could keep one more. Even this one so painful he thought he may never recover.
"Can I have a hug?" George whispered.
Harry looked at him with glassy eyes and nodded.
George stepped forward and gathered Harry in his arms. He could feel Harry's body shaking, and the wetness seeping through his shirt from his tears.
George broke down and began to cry. He didn't want to lose Harry. Hadn't he been through enough? Now he wasn't even going to live long enough to have a life. A life away from fear and pain. A life away from war and death.
They stayed that way for a long few minutes. George wanted to scream at the injustice of it all.
Harry eventually pulled away and wiped his face.
"We should go in. I don't want Remus and Sirius to see me like this. They'll worry." Harry said softly.
George nodded and followed Harry into the house.
"I'm sorry for putting this on you. I…I just didn't think I could carry it alone anymore." Harry whispered.
George clenched his jaw at the pain in Harry's voice.
"I told you Harry. You can tell me anything. I'll always be here for you." George said giving Harry a sad smile.
Harry nodded.
George cleared his throat and tried to compose himself.
"How about you go grab a shower and I'll floo Fred. He's been missing you too. Maybe we can play cards for a little before they get back. I think you need something a little lighter tonight." George suggested.
He needed Fred here. He wanted to be strong for Harry, but this day was pulling him apart at the seams. He also thought they needed something to ease the tension a little. Harry had been so upset all day.
Harry blushed a little and a new sadness came over his face.
"I…I haven't really seen anyone since…well since I've been here. Is…Is Fred mad at me?" Harry asked softly.
George shook his head.
"Of course not. He's sad that you're hurting so much. We could never be mad at you though." George said with a soft smile.
Harry smiled shyly back before he nodded.
"Okay." Harry said.
George nodded.
"I'm going to pop into the loo and clean up. Go gather up your things." George said as they both walked down the hall.
George hated this. He wouldn't press Harry for more information tonight. Neither of them could take it. He wasn't just going to let Harry die though. Not alone. Harry had spent to much of his life alone. He would stick by Harry's side through the darkness of this war, and do what he could to see him through the other side.