CHAPTER 3

Where is my wife?

Penelope is all set to escape her current life to start a new one. Colin will soon realise his wife is missing.

This chapter moves to Colin's POV.

Inside the carriage, Genevieve left out a letter for Pen inside a box. It explained the whereabouts of the person she could meet to arrange for a house outside of Mayfair. Pen was glad she had such a good friend who was willing to help her in time of need.

Penelope could not hold it and was crying as soon as the carriage departed, wondering what would be Colin's reaction when he would find out about her and also because she would miss him deeply and immensely.

She had hoped for one last glimpse of his face before leaving but then all her plans would be ruined. Colin might refuse to let her go using some marital duty excuse or she herself might feel weak seeing his charming face and make the wrong decision to stay.

Pen had placed the sealed letter to Colin on the nightstand of their bedchamber. Surely he would come the following morning and would see the letter or if he had not, Rae would make sure it was sent to him by the afternoon. By that time she would already be outside of Mayfair and Colin would not be able to reach her, hopefully.

At the Bridgerton house at that hour, everyone was already asleep. Everyone, except Mr Colin Bridgerton. A letter from Kate and Anthony had been received from their travels and after everyone gathered in the drawing room to read it and miss them while fighting for chocolate macarons, they withdrew to bed, except Colin.

The werewolf hour was close and Colin was still at his desk, not able to edit the last page of his travel for his manuscript which highlighted the last day he was in Greece. In fact he was distracted as he was uncertain if he wanted to return to his house yet. His home where his wife resided.

He missed his wife. He missed her like hell yet he was incapable of getting off his lazy ass to visit her, to shower her with infinite love. 'His beautiful and pretty wife.', he thought, as he recalled her.

He couldn't figure out why he was unable to go over there. Maybe it was the shame he had for not being able to face her after all the harsh words he said to her? Or maybe because he felt so useless, unable to protect her from the queen or from Miss Cowper?

Colin sighed as he thought of the 'maybes' that could be used as a rational justification for abandoning his wife, all alone in their home. The home he was so eager to live with her in. The home that had witnessed the first time of their shared intimacy when he made her visit.

Colin recalled how the intimacy with Pen was what he had been searching for all along. As he was exploring his travelogue, he remembered his encounters with the women he was intimate with and none of them had given him the strong feelings he shared with Penelope.

They were not comparable to Penelope.

With Pen there was no distance, he felt so close to her.

He was himself with Penelope. 'Only with her', he wondered. He was utterly not comfortable to share some matters even with his family unlike he felt with Pen, such as his travel journeys.

Perhaps that is why he was so angry of the secret she hid from him or…perhaps he was too jealous when he realised Penelope as a woman was able to achieve so much on her own when he, a man, the one who society offered so much, was still lost and not even able to finish one damn novel.

He was so confused about his feelings. What was it that had distanced him from her that much?

Was it her or himself? Colin sighed heavily as he thought of his purpose and if it was indeed his writing. Even Penelope had found hers and here he was, still struggling.

As he recalled his wife and their moments together, his eyes shifted from his parchments to his bedchamber. They lingered there for a moment until his mind got back to reality.

He then realised how the bedchamber looked vacant. There was no sign of Penelope. How he preferred she was there when he lifted his eyes from his parchments, being there in her silky red hair and her light blue eyes smiling at him.

For that however he would have to visit her. Would he, now? The notion of that made his eyes mildly nervous.

His mother had already asked him the day before why he was still at the Bridgerton house being newlyweds and that the husband and wife ought to be together during such a stage of their marriage. She even suggested a honeymoon trip and Colin said they would think about it but never mentioned the same to Pen.

He felt too preoccupied with the recurring issues of the Queen and Miss Cowper to think about honeymoon. Violet had definitely sensed a tension between the couple.

He sighed as he realised he was unable to concentrate. If he was sidetracked in this way, he would never finish his manuscript. He was however unable to stop thinking about his wife, she brought solace to his thoughts.

Colin remembered how he got so annoyed at Pen. He realised now that it was jealousy that had made him so angry at that moment when he accused her of entrapping him. He instantly regretted it when he realised that Pen undeniably loved him and was not faking any feeling.

How he wished he had not uttered these harsh words. Fortunately, Pen did not reprimand him for that comment. He was anticipating for her to be vexed at him upon that remark but she wasn't. This does not nevertheless justify not offering her an apology.

He was certain she had undoubtedly not forgotten about it. He had to apologise. That comment was out of place and he was acting jealously rather than angrily even if it contained some fury.

This was not fair to Pen, she did not deserve that.

After all, she had loved him for a rather long period of time and in return he had never noticed her until recently. Perhaps he did, but he never reciprocated his feelings for her. 'Penelope deserved to be showered with unlimited love, admiration and cherished', he thought.

He unexpectedly felt an abrupt pain surge through him for being so far from his wife as he was absorbed in her reverie. Colin sighed and shook his head to get out of his trance. Pen's image in his head was entwined with his handwriting in his diary in front of him. He had to make a choice on which to concentrate.

What steps would he undertake next? After reflecting for a while, he made up his mind.

He preferred to let his jealousy and rage overcome his love for Pen and decided to not pay her a visit, leaving her alone for some time. Colin would not go over to his home now as he also felt the lack of courage to face her. He would have a conversation with her later, there was plenty of time for that.

Colin knew they were going to meet at the butterfly ball after all, as Penelope had decided it was there she would confess and reveal herself to the ton in front of the Queen and accept any decision she would make regarding her identity as Lady Whistledown.

'Hopefully they will forgive her and the blackmailing of Cressida will cease', Colin thought restlessly as he closed his diary. This was not the night he will be able to edit his manuscript. He'd better retreat to bed.

The following morning, he woke up almost close to noon.

Still unable to concentrate on his writings or anything else, he went to visit the Mondrich bar after lunch. He felt as if a drink might help since he was not feeling himself. He however ended up having more drinks than he anticipated, unable to stop, pouring another glass as and when he remembered his current issues.

In the afternoon he finally headed back home, after spending the entire afternoon at the bar. He was feeling bottle weary and decided to rest. Colin entered his bedchamber, removed his coat and tie and sinked in bed straightaway not realising there was a letter waiting for him on his desk.

Rae had sent Penelope's letter as he had not visited his home. Colin had thought that he would meet Penelope soon and maybe after her confrontation with the crowd he would feel brave enough to confront her.

When he woke up in the middle of the night he realised that he missed dinner and was anyway not feeling hungry. He slept for hours and no one dared to wake him up after he threw a fit when they tried to, the last time, when he had come home drunk as a fiddler and skipped dinner.

As he was redirecting himself to the drawing room to see if anyone was awake to talk or rant, one of the servants came to inform him of a letter in his bedchamber that was addressed to him in the afternoon when he was out. They attempted to notify him when he initially returned but he was too inebriated to respond.

He nodded and later went back to his bedchamber because apparently no one was awake to converse with. It was almost midnight and they were all sensible to sleep in time in comparison to Colin Bridgerton who was acting like a spoiled teenager as of late.

He closed the door behind and walked very slowly to his desk thinking it was probably nothing of great importance. Maybe someone was writing to him to congratulate him on his marriage or to ask if he wanted to join their business as it seems he was still on the job market.

Colin flinched when he saw the handwriting. He recognised it immediately. It was not who he was expecting to write to him. Surely if Penelope had something to say she would come to visit him here, right? Or maybe she did not feel she had the right to with the way he was behaving lately.

Colin shook his head as he tried to wake himself up fully through his intoxication, still feeling half asleep.

As he was opening the letter he was hoping there would be nothing alarming she had written about, perhaps it was just the issues about the Queen and Miss Cowper.

Dearest Colin,

I hope you are doing well and in good health. I am writing to you as I have very important news to inform you. I hope you will take this in the most considerable way and understand the step I seemed forced to take.

If you have obtained this letter in the afternoon at the Bridgerton house then it means you did not visit our home as I left it in our bedchamber for you on the eve.

By the time you are reading the letter, I have already left Mayfair and wish to never return.

I know that you feel trapped in this marriage with me Colin and I wish to let you go for your own happiness. I have loved you since I have met you like I told you before our marriage in the church. I have loved you sincerely and there is nothing that made me happier knowing you returned my affection. Then when you proposed I was over the moon, knowing that I would finally get the love I always hoped for in a marriage.

However I knew that there was the secret of Whistledown looming above us and once you would be aware of that, our relationship would never be the same. It did unfortunately. When you learned about my identity our relationship was shaken and you must have really hated me but I do not blame you for it, it is not your fault.

I'm also not certain if you might ever be able to forgive me, just like you had mentioned outside the printer the night you discovered my secret that you will never forgive me. I understand.

After we kissed on our wedding eve and you agreed to dance during our wedding breakfast dance, I hoped you were coming back to me. Alas, you distanced yourself even more Colin. Perhaps you do not feel comfortable in my presence anymore and I respect your choice.

Anyway, I feel more lonely these days and so unhappy than I would ever feel being married to someone with whom I did not share love. I do not blame you for it, perhaps you were never mine to begin with.

Moreover, my leaving would also avoid the tarnishing of your family name and reputation as there would be no blackmailing from Cressida and the Bridgerton name would not be affected.

As for the queen, since she is already aware and the ton might be as well in some time, in this case you might opt for an annulment of our marriage, this will be the best way to save you from being connected to someone like me. I have already sent a letter to the queen taking the entire blame of Lady Whistledown upon myself mentioning that your family had nothing to do with it.

An annulment is the best option for you Colin. I just wish for the best for you and your family and do not wish any harm to any of you.

I wish for you to be genuinely happy and it is quite clear that you are not happy in our marriage. I tried to approach you in most ways I could but the other day even after pouring my heart out to you after your sister's wedding, you have become even more distant. It seems as if that was your response to my requests.

I sensed how you distanced yourself due to the current situations but I was hoping to have my husband by my side in those strenuous moments. Even if I am a strong woman, I needed you. I however do not blame you for placing such distance between us, I comprehend the reason for your anger as I was the one who deceived and entrapped you in a marriage of lies.

I cannot see you unhappy in our marriage any longer Colin, I wish to set you free so that you are happy. If you are happy, I will be happy as well no matter where I am.

Do not try to contact me or look for me. I am very grateful for the small time of happiness you have bestowed upon me and the amazing family you have shared with me. Thank you.

I am sorry again for having hidden this secret from you Colin but it is me, I cannot help it. I am both Penelope and Whistledown and like you said after our wedding breakfast that you cannot accept it, it seems as though you've indeed be true to your words and have still not accepted me for who I am.

I do not wish to keep you trapped in this torment anymore. It will be better if we each live our lives separately. I am not fleeing from the decision of what the Queen or the ton will make. You matter more to me than any of them. I am making this decision for both of us.

Please forgive me if I have ever hurt you and for all the wrong I did to you.

I love you.

Yours truly,

Penelope

Colin slowly sat on the chair beside his desk unable to process what he had just read. He lifted his eyes from the letter, staring blankly, then read the whole letter again from the beginning. He was unsure how to react as he felt a mix of emotions; anger, sadness, broken-hearted, but mostly rage upon himself for not letting Penelope know how much he loved her and how much he desired to be with her more than anything.

Penelope would not have felt the need to go away from him had he expressed his love for her enough, had he not let his temper get the most of himself lately.

His eyes became teary, his heart was aching. His love had left him. His Penelope.

Without losing more time, he figured that he'd better go find her even though she had been gone for a while already. "There might be a chance that she might still be near Mayfair", Colin thought out loud, his voice shaking and barely coming out.

He had travelled enough to know how far one day's travel would bring her to. He would not take a carriage. He would take his horse. This would be faster to reach her hopefully, than a carriage which would take days.

Colin got even more enraged with himself for taking so much time to read her letter. Surely if he had taken time to visit her in their home, he would have found the letter the day before when it was written or could perhaps have been there before Penelope was gone and could maybe even succeeded in stopping her from leaving.

Or he could've seen the letter when he came back home this afternoon had he not been to the bar or when he returned home if he was not drunk as a lord. Penelope was right to leave someone as him, she did not deserve him. But…he loved her.

He loved her. Colin loved his wife more than he could imagine, even if he had been angry at her.

Tears dropped off his cheeks as he thought of her doll-like face and her shiny blue eyes. He could not believe he would never see them again. Her cheeky and lovely smile which made his heart shine whenever she would smile at him.

The last time he saw her face was when she was returning back home from his sister's wedding to write the queen and his mother letters. The face she had when she turned back to look at him before departing alone in her carriage was so heartbreaking. It was as if she was pleading with him to come with her but that day he had chosen to stay behind with his family.

Colin's heart sank thinking of that moment.

She had been yearning for his company and all Colin did was abandon her.

She was right, he was unequivocally not by her side. He left her alone in their new house, neglected, to care for herself. Assuredly she was a courageous woman but at a time like this she needed her husband. Yet, he had not been by her side.

Colin got up from his chair. This was not the time to be disoriented. He was ready to search for her with all his might until he found her no matter what corner of the world she was in.

He had to leave right away to avoid the likelihood of not reaching her. He could not possibly lose her. The mere thought of losing her made him feel sick. He shook his head frantically at that thought. He felt as though it was all a nightmare and he would soon wake up.

Colin folded the letter and put it in his coat, he took some money and left as quickly as he could, rushing down the stairs, almost falling. He ran faster than when he did when he followed her carriage the night of their engagement.

This was worse. He was losing her for good.

There was no time to inform anyone, and they were also sleeping. 'Hopefully by the time they are awake Penelope would already be found.' he wondered as he rushed through the corridors. Colin deep down knew this was not possible but he tried to falsely convince himself so that he would not lose hope.

Hope is what would give him the courage to find her. Hope and the love that he had for her.

He rushed to his house first to have a talk with Rae. He assumed she probably knew and might get clues of her whereabouts.

Rae kept her words to her mistress, lying that Penelope only asked her to pack her stuff but she was not aware of the situation nor did she inform her where she was going. Rae obviously knew where she was in case she had to inform Penelope of anything urgent pertaining to Colin.

Penelope did not want any harm to befall Colin and would inevitably try to ease his difficulties even if she would not be physically present, should he face any after she left Mayfair.

"Surely she told you about where she might be going?", he asked desperately.

"I do not know, Sir", Rae lied attempting to keep her voice from trembling, as she was, so he would believe her.

Colin believed her though nothing that she said helped. He had to start searching for her from scratch. He was feeling restless, unable to stay idle.

He thought of searching in their bedchamber in case he might find some clues redirecting to where she was going, even if that seemed pointless. He dashed up the stairs to their bedchamber.

As he opened the door to their bedchamber, a feeling of deep sorrow overwhelmed him.

Colin recalled how his wife's presence surrounded their bedchamber. 'Or was it even theirs?', he wondered. He left her here alone and slept outside on the settee every night. There were other places to sleep but he was unable to leave her sight.

Even then, it was not the better option than being with her in their bedchamber. He remembered the other night when he opened the door and was astounded by her beauty. There she stood, looking like a goddess, in her blue silk nightgown, plump red lips, her blue eyes gazing at him, her red locks covering one of her shoulders, leaving the other exposed.

Her eyes were pleading for him to come to her, pleading to be loved.

He had resisted himself that night, too consumed by his anger. He left her.

And now she was gone. Gone!

Colin felt a pang in his heart.

A hot tear dropped from his eyes, his vision became blurry as his eyes filled with tears. He was unable to stop them. His heart was in pain.

He tried to gather himself. The more time he lost, the further she would get on her journey. He hadn't the slightest idea where she was even headed. Where would he look for her?

As he was trying to search for clues, he noticed how most of her clothes were all gone. All but some old ones and…her wedding dress. He gasped.

When Penelope was packing, she had suddenly halted when she came across her wedding dress. That brought back so many memories; their vows, their wedding breakfast and the dance, then…the argument and him leaving her alone for her wedding night to sleep on the settee. She thought she had to leave this otherwise she would torment herself. She was already bringing a huge memory of him; their child. She didn't need more of him to torture herself.

'Did she hate our wedding so much?' Colin was left agape as he saw the dress. It was perhaps him to be blamed. He had abandoned her after their wedding and even on their wedding night. He attempted no move to talk to her to discuss their relationship and was constantly annoyed and irritated at her.

He was to be blamed.

Tears rolling down his cheeks, he looked away and down shaking his head, ashamed of what he had done. Ashamed of himself. Ashamed of the husband he failed to be.

'I will find you Pen, I promise', Colin promised himself to find the love of his life. He owed her an apology, or more than one and lots and lots of love.

But first and foremost, he had to find her.