CHAPTER 6

Is it You and Me or only You?

Colin finally finds Pen. Will he be able to convince her to return back home with him?

Colin kept approaching Penelope until he was only half a metre from her. He kept looking dejectedly into her eyes.

Penelope waited for a reaction from Colin but he remained silent. She decided to cut the quietude.

"Colin!" her tone was lower compared to when she exclaimed previously. He kept gazing at her mournfully, his eyes depicting pain, not uttering a word.

"What are you doing here?" Penelope wondered how he found her.

Colin approached her feeling tenderhearted, still gazing in her eyes as he reached out one hand to touch her face. He cupped her cheek delicately with his right hand and sighed at the sensation. One tear drops off his cheek as he realised it's genuinely Pen and he was not dreaming. His wife is verily standing in front of him in the flesh.

Pen felt sentimental upon seeinghim shed a tear after touching her. She gave him a pained look as well.

"Pen." Colin lets out a quiet exclamation.

"Pen. It's you." he extends his other hand to cup her face entirely. "It's really you!" He's grinning from ear to ear as another tear slides down his cheek.

Even if she is surprised at his presence, she feels heartened to see his face. She had loved this man for years.

Pen turned to glance around, realising that they were in public and that she did not want any drama to occur, she was also not comfortable by Colin's attitude that, despite having distanced himself from her for so long, he asserted he could approach her and touch her like this.

She was additionally worried that despite his apparent sobriety, he may be intoxicated because of his dishevelled appearance.

"Colin…let's not talk here." Pen's voice was low yet deep.

Colin breaks from his trance as he realised the situation and how, when she had fled, he had pursued her. Upon seeing Pen he didn't think about anything else; he was just delighted to see her, utterly losing track of the predicament.

Colin casted a sombre glance downward. Still holding her face in his palms. "Well we could go to my bedchamber, it's on the third floor and Benedict is there." His voice was soft.

Pen wouldn't want her brother-in-law to witness their drama nor disturb him, besides her bedchamber was conveniently close.

"Let's go to my chamber. Am on the first floor, it is closer and my maid is sleeping."

Colin smiles at her but Pen remains serious, worried about what would happen next. He followed her and they entered the bedchamber, fortunately the maid was sound asleep in the other chamber and Pen shut the door so she could not hear them.

Pen stood further from him, while Colin was closer to the window, waiting for Pen's attention.

"Pen…" "Why did you… what are you…" Colin was unable to articulate his words, his mind was overflowing with questions, undecided about where to start. He wet his lips and blinked and gave it some thought before choosing the optimum words.

"What are you doing here?" "Why did you run away?" Pen gazed at him melancholily, not saying a word. "I received your letter Pen. Why did you leave without attempting to speak with me first?" Colin lowered his eyes, remembering the reasons she had stated in her letter for her departure.

He looked back at her warmly, taking a step towards her.

"Pen, I'm sorry. I know I have hurt you profoundly. I… umm…" Colin was unsure of what he should apologise for first. There was honestly too much to apologise for.

"I am so sorry for leaving you alone in our house, Pen." "I was hurting and I imagined perhaps you required some time alone for yourself too."

Colin appeared agitated as Pen remained clammed up. He stepped towards Pen and cupped her face. "I truly apologise, Pen. For all that I did. Please come back home. I miss you."

Colin's voice started shaking. "I've not been able to live without you all these days, Pen. I miss you terribly. I cannot bear it anymore. Please come back, Pen. Please come back! Please!" his voice was still shaking as he stroked her cheek nervously, hot tears rolling down his face as he gazed in her eyes affectionately.

He smiled warmly at her.

Pen gave him an attentive stare before blinking and lowering her gaze. She removed his hand from her face and stepped back, her eyes flickering. Colin stood still, stunned, as his palms remained in the air.

Pen looked back at Colin with a stern expression, fiddling with her hands. "No Colin." Pen shook her head. "You cannot just come back after all that happened and just expect everything to return to normal Colin." Her voice was low but deep.

His facial expression looked devastated.

"I know Pen. I am so sorry for everything. I messed up. I just want you to come back to me. Let's go back, pack your stuff and come with me." sounding hopeless.

"Why?" Penelope earnestly questioned.

"Well, because I love you Pen. I cannot endure it without you anymore. I miss you. I wish for us to resume our lives together and…" Colin's tone was firm, no longer shaking, his gaze fixed on hers.

Pen cuts him. "You mean me being all by myself in our house while you stay over somewhere else or should I really say our house, Colin?" She blinked swiftly with a smirk. "Then when you decide to be there, you are not even by my side, you only mope around. You're either enraged at me far away or close by."

Her pitch grew louder as she spoke, still deep.

"Is that the life you were referring to…Colin?" She stared furiously in his gaze as she lifted her eyebrows.

"Pen… I…" Colin's tone is soft and low. Pen interrupts him again. She looked away from him, turning only her face to the other side as she continued, lowering her tone.

"I'm not coming with you, Colin. You're free to return to anywhere you choose but it is without me. You are no longer entrapped to me now, you are free to live your life as you wish" she wets her lips and resumes, her gaze still averted from him.

"The sly woman known as Lady whistledown will no longer darken your life with her gossip and your family name will remain as reputable as before, the woman who planned to entrap you should not be with you. Your life is far better without me."

Tears welled up her eyes as she uttered the last words with a broken voice, still avoiding eye contact with Colin. She didn't want him to notice that she still loved him or was becoming weak in his presence. He might attempt to push her to return with him… or perhaps he just simply didn't deserve to know how she was feeling.

"I hope you have already requested an annulment." she added quietly.

Colin felt heartbroken seeing her face turned away from him, not looking at him at all. Similar to how he didn't look at her the day the mothers were discussing their wedding breakfast and he was outraged at her.

"Pen, I am so sorry for that ruthless comment. I know I should not have said that and I regretted it the moment it was out. I realise my assertion was wrong. You did not entrap me Pen, you never did. I'm honestly sorry for that cruel remark and I had wanted to apologise to you for that."

"Then why didn't you?" Pen turned to face him, her gaze deep. Her stare astounded him.

He approached her "I…I wanted to…I wanted to express my remorse to you on the butterfly ball. I hoped for our conflicts to be cleared and resolved on that day, Pen. I wished for us to reconcile." His eyebrows lowered and knit together.

"I love you Pen. I love you." Colin spoke desperately while Pen continued to stare at him, unmoved.

"I thought you loved me too Colin. That is why I decided to move on from your hideous comment and marry you. Even after you accused me of what you defended me for in the first place." After that entrapment accusation I thought perhaps you were not serious or that you loved me and we would be happy…" Pen's voice was shaking and cracking, she was sobbing as she recalled what she had lived. How she had suffered. Colin was absolutely heartbroken to see her condition.

She looked away, unwilling to look at him through tears or she might feel more vulnerable. "I thought the day I opened my heart to you on our wedding eve that you had begun to understand me Colin, that perhaps when we kissed our love was still there, that perhaps you would support me and maybe our relationship could be saved."

She was sobbing breathlessly, now gazing back at Colin whose pallid face revealed a hint of shame and regret. "I believed after we danced at our wedding breakfast that we were still Colin and Pen but then…" she lowered her eyes, fidgeting with her hands then glancing at her wedding band. "But then you once again drifted apart Colin. You left me." Pen turned her back on him, too vexed to look at him as she was recollecting how he treated her.

"I am aware that the queen's remarks might have harmed the standing of your family but we were married and you abandoned me. I was all alone on our wedding night, the night married couples were supposed to be together." She wiped away her tears.

Pen turned to look back at him, her eyes filled with fury and sadness as her lips quivered. "Do you remember Colin?" her blue teary eyes clearly questioning him.

Colin offered her a dejected, regretful, and ashamed look. "Pen…" He briefly lowered his gaze to the ground in embarrassment before looking back at her, his mouth pressed.

His tone was poignant "I didn't realise you suffered so much. I feel so shameful for making you endure that. I am truly and deeply so sorry Pen. I know I should have been by your side, I messed up. I was so anxious of what the queen might do to you Pen, I was worried for your safety." He walked over to gaze into her eyes.

"I admit I have been very angry at you for your identity as Lady whistledown but I was surprised Pen that you could be someone like her, the one who I despised the most. It conflicted my feelings. Lady Whistledown had written a great deal of negative stuff about me and my family that I was surprised to know it was you but…" Colin shifts his gaze for a moment seemingly ashamed of himself as he gathers his words.

"I realise that you tried to save us, Pen." "After spending so long furious at Whistledown that when I found out it was you I got vexed with you as well, and perhaps also because you did not choose to share it with me."

He took her hands in his. Pen remained still, listening intently.

"I think upon hearing you had a purpose I was jealous, Pen. I was envious that you, as a woman, were able to become independent and had a purpose. You had a purpose and were brave enough to be someone as Lady Whistledown whereby me…" He paused and threw a thoughtful glance around before resuming "I was still searching for my purpose and presumed I had still not found it."

He offered her a light smile "I had not found my purpose until you, Pen. YOU are my purpose. You fulfil me."

"Colin…" Pen did not want to muddle her emotions and grow weak.

As he went on, Colin's tears got more and more, covering his entire face. His gaze never shifted hers as his hands remained in hers.

"I miss you as my friend Pen, I miss you as my wife. You have always seen me for who I am and have always been by my side as a guidance, as a support. Even while on my travels."

"I have read all the letters you sent me the other day and realised not only are you Penelope and Whistledown both but you have been the one person who has always been there for me, Pen. You have been my true companion during my travels and when I was back."

"You are essential to my existence; without you, I am incomplete, please don't break us. Please come back." Colin tried to kiss her hand.

Penelope pulled her hand from him slowly and distanced herself. She stared at him angrily and smirks.

"Even now. Even today Colin. After all of this, it is only all about you."

She stepped back from him and sighed, shaking her head. "All the time it is only about you, how YOU feel, how YOU missed me, what YOU want."

Her voice starts to break, her pain showing clearly. "It is always about you. You cared about me only because I helped you feel confident about yourself but what about how I feel Colin? You never cared about my feelings; what I want, how I feel."

"If you desire something you should have it but do you care what I want as well? What I wanted was never important in our relationship."

"I know as a woman my feelings are not paramount to society nor should it be to be my husband but Colin…if you said you loved me, I was hoping you would understand me, be by my side…" Pen turned away and sobbed, not able to control any longer "...love me"

Colin looked at her attentively, tilting his head, feeling hurt at her pain.

Her voice cracking she rebuked him "I begged you to love me and yet you left me, and yet you distanced yourself from me. I know I was at fault and I am so sorry for it Colin but I needed you." She looked back at him. Her voice got louder but still cracking, more painful. "I needed my husband in such a difficult time but you were never there for me Colin. You never were." Pen's emotions were getting more and more strong. Then she realised perhaps it was due to her being with child that made her feel as such, in addition to already being intensely enraged and hurt by Colin. She tried to restrain herself.

Colin was taken aback by her words. He found himself without any ammunition to defend himself as he realised that she was correct and true to each of her words. It wasn't until Pen brought it up that he realised how self-centred he was. She was right about every single word.

He never cared in learning her feelings. Colin parted his lips to say something, then shut them again. He was feeling hurt because she had suffered so much and he was not even there to console her. He never realised it. Penelope was fair in leaving him. He'd put so much distance between them that he'd never really bothered to find out how she was feeling.

It was only now, as he saw the pain and grief in her eyes, that he realised how much she was suffering. Or perhaps he did. There was the same agony in her eyes the day she begged him to love her and he…abandoned her.

"Also, I am not the one who is breaking us, Colin. It's you who seem to not want us to be. I'm not sure there was ever actually an us. It was always you and only you. I was never a part of you."

"Besides, how do I believe which words of yours are true?" Pen pursed the corner of her lips gazing at him indignantly. "Is it the one where you said you loved me, or is it the one where you said you will never forgive me, or perhaps it might be now when you're saying that you're sorry." She sighed.

"Then what will it be next?" She shook her head. "You'll accuse me of forcing you to follow me all the way here?"

"Pen, I will never…" Colin gently tried to cut but she continued.

"I hope you have already applied for an annulment as I had suggested" her voice low. Colin looked flabbergasted.

Her tone increased again "Eloise was right. You couldn't possibly love me if you knew I was Whistledown. I ought to have informed you before we were officially engaged. I was…I was just happy you returned my feelings…", she sniffed as her tears were rolling down, "...the feelings I've had for so long, for so many years, watching you court other ladies and I couldn't believe it was me you had chosen. I wanted to let that moment of happiness I had yearned so long for to linger before it ended."

"Perhaps I was to be blamed, for letting you be the reason for my happiness. That…I was scared it would cease." She wiped a tear and continued, sniffling.

She was still gazing at him, but now her eyes offered affection and warmth. "I love you Colin, I truly love you and I always did but I cannot keep on living like this."

She shook her head. "I Can't. I also do not want you to suffer. I know you might think I am being selfish but I have to do this for us Colin. I know you are not happy with me and I wish for your happiness. If you were happy, you wouldn't have been upset and stayed away from me all this time." Colin's eyebrows lowered and knit together, eyes tearful.

"I have loved you ever since I have known you Colin and I refuse to let you suffer like this, at least not because of me." Colin looked at her desperately and approached her, tilting his head and looking at her tenderly.

"I love you too Pen and you do not make me suffer, you make me happy. I know I have been extremely annoyed towards you ever since I found out that you are Whistledown, even after we got married…but you make me happy Pen, I cannot describe how much. I love you Pen." Colin said softly as he bent his head to approach her face closely.

Pen shook her head, stepped back from him and turned her back on him. She spoke with an increasing volume.

"You said you loved me yet you left me alone and now you again say that you love me yet I can't even guarantee that you won't abandon me ever someday." Pen felt a wave of rage wash over her as she recalled how he left her behind and determined she didn't want to be with him.

"I also do not want our ch…" Pen realised she got swayed away and was about to reveal her being with child. Her eyes widened. Colin looked at her puzzled as she halted abruptly. Fortunately she was not facing him and had her back turned. With haste, Penelope kept on talking to avoid his interrogation.

"We cannot be together Colin."

"Just…leave me alone!" she shouts.

Colin is left agape at her tone and her words and swallowed as he continued to listen to her.

As soon as she shouted she felt dizzy and weak and apprehended that the argument and shouting were not appropriate for her condition as being with child but did not want to alarm Colin so she went to sit down just behind him.

Observing her weakly and slowly making her way past him to take a seat made him concerned that she could be sick. Without delay, he turned to her.

"Are you well Pen?" "Did you eat?" He looked at her worriedly. Pen aimed to conceal her condition and nodded, her eyes lowered. "I am well," she replied, her voice low. "Are you sure?" Colin was not convinced and was anxious. She nodded silently at him. With concerned eyes, Colin studied her.

He kneeled before her looking at her desperately and gazing in her eyes sadly.

"I know Pen. I know. I messed up badly but please give me a chance. Give me the chance to rectify my mistakes at least? For the sake of our love, for the sake of our relationship. For the sake of our marriage? Also, I do not wish for an annulment, I still desire to be married to you, Pen." His voice is tender and soft as he is speaking all the words slowly.

He stares at her for a while, admiring how beautiful she was looking as her red locks cascaded over her shoulders and cleavage. Her skin appeared so soft, and he realised how much he missed feeling them under his touch.

Colin's blue eyes, which appeared honest and affectionate, made Penelope feel weak. She gazed at him carefully and realised how much she loved him. But then shortly recalled how she also suffered in that love.

For a moment she became emotional and wanted to give in, she wanted to give him that second chance but then remembered about her being with child. Penelope had been prepared to sacrifice herself living a life with him in loneliness but now that he seemed to regret his wrongdoings she would feel more than happy to live a joyous life with him. Nonetheless she was not convinced Colin would react positively with her being with child.

She did not want to risk telling him in case he ever reverted to his previous, irascible behaviour and blamed their child as 'entrapment'.

Ultimately, he pursued her for personal gain. Not even for her own sake. She was uncertain whether Colin would embrace their child. She was unable to certify this.

"Colin…" Pen looked at him tenderly. For a while she saw the man she loved there and not the man who left her alone. As he kneeled and pleaded with her for their love, she was left unsure of what to decide. He appeared to be in excruciating distress.

Colin got up and sat on the sofa beside her placing himself to her left side, taking her hands in his. Pen wanted to pull away but was unable to resist his contact because as much as she was outraged at him, she missed him profoundly and felt powerless to prevent his touch. For a little while, she considers allowing him to be close to her.

"Pen, do you remember when we would meet during season balls and make jests? We were having fun and we were really comfortable with each other. We were always meant to be together, Pen. Always." His voice was still soft as his eyes lit up at his remembrances.

Colin gazed at her and smiled softly. "Don't you miss that Pen? Because I do." Pen did not respond but was beginning to feel emotional at his words, and she did. She missed what he was describing. She just looked at him carefully and remained firm, her heart somewhat smiling inside at his nearness and their shared moment while she looked in his eyes.

Colin kept narrating about their past; how they met, their moments, until he leaned against the sofa and as he got immersed in his memories without realising, fell asleep, because he had missed too much sleep recently in addition to being sick.

Still holding on to her left hand, stroking it with his thumb, Colin fell asleep beside Penelope.

As Pen watched him she smiled. For the first time since they were married her husband was close to her and she was able to look at him closely, admire him as he was sleeping. She leaned on his shoulder and dozed off.

The following morning, as the sun shone bright in the chamber and the birds started singing outside, Colin woke up. As he woke up he didn't realise when he fell asleep. He slept like a log. He tried to open his eyes as he recalled the event of the previous night.

Then it gradually came back to him; him meeting Pen, their argument and him moving over to the sofa next to her to talk. Glancing around, he realises he's in her bedchamber.

However as Colin looks beside himself where Pen was supposed to be, he does not find her. She is no longer there. He scans the chamber thinking she might perhaps be somewhere else. She's not in sight. Then he notices that her luggage, which he had seen the night before, has vanished. The maid is nowhere as well.

His wife had left. His wife had left him…again. She was gone.

As Colin tried to take it all in, his eyes fluttered and his mouth fell wide in disbelief. He then swallowed upon the possibility that he might never find her this time and ran downstairs to the reception to inquire about her.

"Please!" "Have you not seen her?" "Did she not tell you where she would be going? It's very important for me to know! Please?!" Colin was restlessly questioning the reception. However the responses were negative.

Penelope had slipped away discreetly, making sure to hide her tracks, covering herself well and the maid checked out of the hotel instead of her. Pen gave it a lot of thinking, even after witnessing Colin's suffering and seeing his charming face beside her upon waking up but then she pondered about her innocent child and did not want to share her child with a man who accused her and abandoned her in a moment of need.

His words conveyed a sense of wanting to possess her once more and not once did Colin mention how he loved her for who she was but rather who he was when she was with him.

That was not enough.

What if one day he is not satisfied with how she makes him feel or is not happy with their child, will he reproach their child too?

She could not.

She had to undergo this sacrifice for her child. For herself.

Pen was sobbing as she evaluated again about what had just transpired. She placed a hand on her stomach as she looked outside the carriage window and cried. The maid tried to calm her but she was inconsolable. She cried with all her heart as she again left the man she loved, for their own happiness. Penelope sobbed uncontrollably as her heart ached.

Being anxious that he may awaken before her departure, she had not written any letter.

Colin started to run out of breath as he tried to search for her everywhere, panicking, thinking he had lost her permanently because despite everything that he said she remained stubborn. She still preferred that they stayed separate.

He climbed the stairs steadily and made way to his chamber, sitting down, staying quiet and saying no word, unable to cry while his heart was still burning with pain.

"Ah! You are here. I thought you already left without me. Haha!" Benedict grinned, looking at him.

He then noticed Colin's silence and how he was staring in front of him, his gaze lost, his elbows on his knees with both knuckles holding his chin.

"What is it?" Benedict inquired.

Colin doesn't reply and remains hushed.

Benedict advanced to sit beside him sensing something had occurred.

"I found her brother. I found her." Colin whispered.

"Really? That is great news…but…why are you announcing it like it's sad. Did something else happen?" Given Colin's behaviour, he was tense.

"She left me brother and I think this time I have lost her for good and she will never consent to return to me." His voice still a whisper. He slightly turned to look the way Benedict was sitting, still unable to look directly at him, out of shame.

"I have failed as a husband and my wife doesn't want me back. I failed. I am a failure." His voice remained monotone.

Benedict looked at him anxiously, ignorant of what might have unfolded during the night. Despite his best efforts, Colin remained inconsolable. Benedict realised that things were worse than they had been because he was not expressing any feeling at all; not crying nor even making any movement.

"Don't worry brother, we will find her again and then you can try to convince her…"

Colin gave a dismissive shake of his head "No. I don't believe she will accept."
He stood up, staring outside the window and continued "In fact she is right, I have always been selfish. I adored her exclusively for the person she made me become. Even when I loved her it was the same."

His tone started to waver "However I realised that I loved her for who she was too. I love her even though she does not make me become anything or anyone. I love Penelope for who she truly is, as a person, as a woman, as…my wife." Colin sighs.

He turns towards Benedict. "I have failed to tell her that brother. My attempt to find her while having selfish motives was stronger than finding the one she truly was. Now that I realise this, she is already gone."

Colin let out a heavy breath. "I have to tell her this brother. I have to convince my wife that I love her for who she is and not only what I am because of her."

He lowered his eyes realising his plight. "Even in the incident that it takes me a lifetime to find her and tell her."

"Colin!" While Benedict hopes his brother finds happiness, he also does not want him to ruin his life. He gets to his feet to confront Colin.

"Are you positive this is what you want to succumb to all your life? You can try looking for her and I will help you or I can try to hire people to find her along and if in some months you do not find her then you return and resume your life, that is…if you wish to of course."

Colin smiled faintly and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry brother. I will have to find her on my own. It is my doing and I must find my wife myself." Benedict gave him a worried glance.

"I appreciate and am grateful how you have helped me so far Benedict but I cannot force you to continue this journey any longer with me. Return back home to our family. I'll search for her on my own." Colin's voice was calm but firm.

"But Colin…"

"No brother. Please do not insist. I will manage, don't worry. I will try to make sure I keep you updated. I will send you letters."

All this while Benedict had been the one sending his family letters, keeping them updated of their journey as Colin was too depressed.

Benedict sighed. "All right. If that is what you wish I respect it, but just so you know I am fine with continuing the journey with you. Let me know if you change your mind."

He gave Colin a warm smile and he returned it. The brothers hugged and Benedict patted his back.

"I will have to leave right away if I want to catch up with her."

Benedict nodded.

Colin packed hurriedly and left. Before entering his carriage Benedict hugged him again and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "I hope you find her. Do let us know when you do."

Colin nodded and drove away.

As he's travelling, he re-read Pen's letter and realised how correct she was and how egotistical he had been. He's reflecting on how essential it was for him to find her and let her know that he loved her for who she was, not only what she did for him.

He realised how because he's always been so sensitive, he had been oblivious to Pen's suffering as he was obviously so wrapped up in his own feelings. 'He'll work for her forgiveness if he'll have to…of course he will have to!' Colin wondered.

No matter how hard and no matter for how long.