I catch a rare glance as Astartion walks across camp. He's kept more to himself recently, no doubt due to our little fight a few days ago. My heart drops as he walks out of view, a part of me feels like I should try to mend things the other doesn't want to push the matter. My mind flashes back to that night, the fear in his eyes had been so raw and so desperate that I'd rather have him deal with this on his own terms than force it on him. If he ever decides to. I frown thinking of the alternative, but that thought is cut short–

'On Crèche K'liir we solve our grievances through combat,' remarks Lae'zel from beside me. I curse as the needle sinks into my thumb and the thread falls into the dirt. I didn't even hear her approach, 'I can oversee that for you and Astarion.'

'Lae'zel for the love of the Martyr you done scared me damn near half to death.' I say, my voice laced in irritation as I suck my thumb.

'Chk,' she huffs, folding her arms across her chest, 'It's not my fault you're letting your emotions cloud your senses.'

I can't help but let out a laugh at her comment, always the one to be direct, 'You ain't wrong, but no thank you. I don't reckon that'll help none.'

'Well if you change your mind I'll be here.' she states with a curt nod and stalks off.

Me and Astarion have been steering clear of each other for the past few days. Only interacting when we have to and not speaking much, save a few words here and there. I know he didn't mean none of what he said but that don't make it hurt any less. I'd be lying if there isn't still a bit of resentment in my heart at those words. Words that had been hurled at me like stones for most of my life. To hear them come out of the mouth of someone I care so much about nearly broke my heart.

I manage to keep busy most days, between helping around camp and catching up on menial tasks I've put off for the time being. Though I'm kicking myself and wishing we were on speaking terms as I struggle to mend a hole in my doublet. I barely got the thread through the needle after far far too long, and I know for a fact that my work will wear out quicker'n hell.

'You should be using a back stitch on that,' I hear a familiar voice say, albeit much more subdued than I'm used to, 'It'll wear right out otherwise.'

Speak of the devil and he'll appear. I turn and see Astarion standing there, shifting his weight on nervous feet. As much as I don't want it to, a smile starts to form on my face. No we're mad, I remind myself, we're upset, cut it out. I settle for a nod instead, 'Astarion.'

'I know-' he starts then quickly stops, 'I know I'm probably the last person you want to see right now,' if only he knew how incorrect that statement was, I think to myself as he continues, 'I just…I was wondering if we could talk?'

'Sure,' I say, 'Here 'er?'

'Here is fine,' he says as he takes a seat across from me, 'I-It won't be long, I promise…I just…I just wanted to apologize,' he manages to say.

My eyebrows raise a bit, I'd be lying if I said I saw this coming so soon. I had assumed we would just continue this awkward dance around each other into the foreseeable future.

'What I did…what I said wasn't right. It wasn't fair to you. You of all people didn't deserve to have the brunt of my anger,' he continues, his eyes struggling to meet mine, 'It's just-' he looks down at his hands and sighs, 'It's just that, I-I've never had people care about me before.' quickly following it up with- ' A-And that's not an excuse, just…I'm just trying to explain.' he pauses for a moment.

I can see how hard he's trying, how he doesn't seem to have the words to explain how he's feeling. That he's probably never had the opportunity to do so, no one cared to know or ask.

He sighs again shaking his head, 'I'm so used to a world where people do things to get the upper hand, to maintain their power over you–to use the acts against you later, I-I just-' he pauses, a sad sort of realization on his face, 'I was scared, I lashed out at you when all you wanted to do was help. When you've been nothing but kind to me even when I wasn't so to you. I apologize I didn't recognize what you were doing. I apologize for saying those horrible things,' he turns his head to the side as if hiding the emotion on his face, 'I don't say this looking for forgiveness, Silas but because you deserve it to be said.'

I let the moment sit, partly to digest everything said and partly because I'm astonished he's opened up as much as he did. 'Not everythin' is a power move, or done out'a selfish motivation…' I say quietly and pause, leaning to catch his eye, 'I do the things I do 'cause I care 'bout you, I care that you're safe.'

I can see the glisten in Astarions eyes, 'Well, that's–that's noble of you,' he says, trying to keep that nonchalant wall up, as a stray tear streaks down his cheek. He seems surprised as he touches the trail it makes, 'Oh hells, how embarrassing.'

Gods I want to give him a hug, to tell him it's alright, that it's ok to cry. But I don't, I wouldn't make a choice like that for him. What I will do is give him the room to feel safe as himself. It's my hope that maybe one day he'll get there, even if it's not while I'm around.

'Shoot, if cryin' was the most embarrassin' thing I ever done, I'd be doin' pretty damn good,' I laugh, trying to get him to laugh too.

Astarion lets out a small laugh and I count it as a win, 'I suppose so,' he says, wiping the tear trail off his cheek.

I smile, 'Now, you said a back stitch was what I needed?'

Astarion smiles, leaning closer, 'Yes, whatever it is you're doing is wrong darling.' he explains, 'Hand it over.'

I pass him the doublet, and patiently sit and watch his deft fingers repair the rip. His face is concentrated, almost peaceful. As if he's lost in his own little world.

'See? Darling it's not so difficult,' he remarks, showing me the mend, then rips it back out, 'Now you try, I'll watch and try not to be too harsh with the critiques.'

I try to copy what he did, my hands seem clumsy compared to his but I do my best. Only taking a few stabs to the fingers and only getting a few comments from Astarion on my work which I take a measure of pride in.

'It's not a masterwork but it will hold,' he muses, checking over my stitch.

'Well that's all I need it to do.' I smile as I pack it back away with the rest of my armor, ''Sides, can't do too good'a job, I still want an excuse for you'ta come 'round.'

I expect him to have his usual smart comeback, a quick jab and a joke. To laugh off the comment but he doesn't. He sits there in quiet almost disbelief for a moment.

'What you said before,' he says carefully in a low voice, considering each word, 'You meant it then?'

My smile drops into a more serious look, 'A'course, I wouldn't'a said somethin' like that without meanin' it.' I explain. Though I can see the look on his face forming. The questions, the slight panic at the implications of my words, 'But I ain't expectin' a decision or…or even reciprocation of those feelin's,' I quickly reassure, 'I-I just…I just wanted you to know how much I care 'bout you. No other reason or motivation I promise you that.'

Astarion nods, taking in my words carefully but keeping an arms length away. The emotions seem to overtake him again, 'Alright, well, a lot to think on,' he says clearing his throat, shifting to stand, 'Well, I'll see you tomorrow then, feeling a bit peckish–long day and all.'

'A'course,' I say with a smile, though in my heart I'd love for him to stay. But we're talking again and I can take comfort in that, 'I'll see you in the mornin'.'

I watch as he walks off toward the woods, running a hand through his silver curls. A smile spreads across my face and a little light sets in my heart. There's hope. It might only be a pinprick of light but it's there.