Runa had a few days to settle in, during which Mrs. Nara took her shopping for clothes. Soon she had a wardrobe full of colors, both casuals and Shinobi attire. "Now you can stop binding your chest." She said, raising an eyebrow at Runa.
"Well, they made me unbalanced when I didn't have them taped down." Runa said sheepishly, looking at the special mesh piece that Mrs. Nara had assured her would function the same.
"Now they can breathe and you get to keep your balance." Mrs. Nara smiled, folding her new clothes for her and putting them away before turning and gently asking her a question that made Runa's breath freeze in her chest a moment. "Can I get you anything you've always wanted and never gotten to have? This is your room now. It should reflect that."
Tears prickled at the edge of Runa's eyes and she choked on the sudden hard lump in her throat. "I...-" She squeaked, unable to think as her mind struggled to grasp the deep care and concern in the question.
"Let's try something easier, first." Mrs. Nara took her hands. "What do you want for dinner?"
Runa thought for a moment. "Well...Mr. Nara told me I was going to be joining Shikamaru's team, right? Maybe they could come for dinner and I can see the people I'll be working with before my first time training." She had also been assigned reading some days ago on the science of chakra and chakra types. It was less like magic than she originally thought and closer to a biological function of sorts. It was an actual medical, sometimes genetic part of the people here. Runa had been assured it was part of her, too.
"You want to invite the Yamanaka and Akimichi families over?" Mrs. Nara was misunderstanding.
Runa rushed to correct what she'd said. "Maybe just my team mates and their parents? If I'm really joining a pre-existing team, I should probably know who I'm going to be working with."
Mrs. Nara had left after that and now Runa was staring at the walls of her room, trying to envision how she'd decorate a space that was truly her own. She looked up, hearing someone at the door and saw Shikamaru who looked surprised. "You knew I was here."
"I made a career on not missing details, Shikamaru." Runa said wearily, wondering what he was doing. "Why are you walking so quietly?"
"Both to avoid my mom seeing me do this and to not disturb you. This is the time of day when you usually crash and-" He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I check sometimes to make sure you aren't having more nightmares. Someone else being nearby seems to help. Thought it was coincidence, but I'm convinced now you just have a natural sensitivity to chakra."
You check on me? "I'm not surprised." Runa shuffled her feet. "It's likely a hold over from when I slept in the barracks with dozens of others and still more were patrolling. Someone was always awake. You had to be when-"
"When your job was going beyond the only safe zones you knew of." He was looking at her with a kind of respect that Runa didn't know how to feel about.
"There were no safe zones, Shikamaru. We learned that lesson all too well when the wall was kicked in." Runa said, softly. "Even today with all the reassurances and warm welcomes I stay on edge. It is the only reason I didn't die years ago and I can't shake the feeling yet it's why I'm not dead now."
Shikamaru was silent, letting her get all the trauma out that she was ready to let out. Runa smiled suddenly feeling better. "That...that was nice. Thank you. We sort of just...internalized all this and kept going as long as we could." Runa pursed her lips. "But the truth was we were fighting a losing war if something like Eren didn't happen and a lot of us knew it." She heaved a sigh. "I've done it again. I have to stop just..."
Shikamaru spoke, blessedly releasing her from finishing that thought. "Are you ready to meet the team later? It's still mid-day. Mom will be a while."
Runa thought a moment. "Actually I'd like to use my omni-directional mobility gear, just to feel the wind on my face. But gas is-"
Shikamaru nodded. "Come on. Let's go talk to the researchers. Odds are they've already come up with a solution. We've never seen anything like what you have. Even if we do have ninja wire, it's not quite like that." He began to lead her out.
x
Runa met the team that kept shinobi of the Hidden Leaf supplied and they began to work on a mixture to suit her needs once she'd explained the chemical composition of the gas in her canisters. They also took measurements so their own canisters would fit in her holster when they were done being made. Then they took a walk to the training grounds and Shikamaru made sure she knew where it was relative to their house. "Shikamaru, can I ask you something?" Her stomach was turning as her old fears resurfaced. No, go back down. Just let me have this. Please. Fuck. She swallowed hard when he turned to fully look at her in affirmation. "Are you aware of what I was doing when Naruto called me here?"
A brief look of indiscernible emotion crossed his face and he heaved a sigh. "Let's sit." He plopped right down under a tree on the path. "First...What brought this up?" Runa sat next to him, legs crossing in a need for close tightness; like a hug on the border of being crushing.
"Things are just...too soft here. Everyone is unbelievably nice, I don't seen any pain or..." Runa stumbled over her words. "It just hits me sometimes and I have to wonder if I'm-"
Shikamaru listened quietly, but he put a hand on her shoulder. "I just have to wonder if I'm dead." She finished at barely a whisper. "Because this just doesn't seem anything like life as I know it."
"Because you tried to kill yourself? Do you think good things can't happen to you?" Runa shook her head, turning away as she was no longer able to look him in the eyes. "I see." He sounded vaguely upset and Runa cringed inwardly at the inconvenience. "Then what are we? Are all of us dead too?"
"I don't know." She said in a tiny voice, feeling the choking sting of panic crawl up her throat and block it.
"What would convince you that you're still alive?" He asked, sounding fuzzy and far away. Runa almost couldn't hear him at all.
She stumbled over her words, garbled and a mess until she finally gasped out a reply that sounded like speech. "If I were just hurt...Maybe. Things are too good to be true. I can't..." Runa fell silent. "Living hurts. And I haven't felt pain in a long time." She glanced up at him then, shivering. "I want to go home. I feel much too small to be caught outside right now. Small enough to just step on." He helped her up and began to guide her back.
x
Runa decided to take a nap before dinner, exhausted from the burst of panic that had seized her. Shikamaru hadn't said another word all the way home but Runa could hear them now, quietly speaking to one another in. the kitchen. From here it was little more than muffled mutterings. She tried to relax on the hammock she'd asked for and received, pulling the blankets around her tight and curling into a ball. Her sleep was blessedly dreamless, a fact Runa only picked up on when there was a knock on her door. It's dark. Did I sleep? There were no nightmares.
"Runa, your team is here." Runa hopped up and threw on some new, clean clothes before opening the door to look tiredly up at Mr. Nara. Sleep had done nothing this time to assuage her fears that she had thrown her life away after surviving so much. I really just gave up, didn't I? What a shitty scout I made in the end. I'm sorry, Captain Levi. Petra. Hange. Erwin. All of you. I'm so sorry. Runa made herself move, her arms and legs rubbery at best and robotic at worst.
She let herself zone out, just following him with all the weariness in the world weighing her down. There was the soft murmur of muffled conversation which sharpened into actual words when Mr. Nara slid the door to the dining room open and stepped aside. Runa pasted on a fake smile, something she had learned to do the panicked civilian mass and went in. There was a chair left open for her between Shikamaru and a very friendly looking boy. To his right was a blonde girl who smiled and waved at Runa. "Hello. I'm Ino. I believe you already met my father." Inoichi waved at her. Something vaguely warm fluttered at the back of Runa's mind. He seemed so real when he cried and hugged me. They all did. I...
Someone else was talking, one of the spiky haired adults. "I'm Choza Akimichi. This is my wife and my son Choji. There's a bit of a tradition when forming shinobi squads to make one from our three families as they work really well together."
"Hello." Runa said, her tongue feeling thick in her mouth. "I'd introduce myself but it seems everyone already knows." She sat, glancing over the array of items available before them. Do I really need to eat anymore? Or is that leftover self-preservation instincts? Dead people don't need food right? Oh, they're all watching. Runa began to pick things for her plate, realizing she was the only one who hadn't.
"Do you know what nature your chakra is yet?" Ino pulled Runa out of her thoughts.
"I...suspect I have an affinity for wind. I've been doing my assigned reading practicing the beginner exercises and I just...Feel that I'm wind." Runa put a dumpling in her mouth and chewed. It tasted like ash. She wasn't sorely tempted to keep doing it, but she did. Runa kept eating. "Sometimes my hammock seems to move on its own, right when I wish someone was there to rock it."
"Do you sense other things?" Inoichi asked and Runa became acutely aware how close each adult was watching, almost gauging.
"You mean about other people?" She asked, looking at everyone. "Oh yeah. Stronger with some, for sure. Naruto, for example. Whatever that is...that deeply angry creature with all those tails? It just doesn't suit him." She took in the shocked silences and began to feel nervous. What did I screw up now? Before anyone else could speak, Choza was on it.
"What about people at this table?" She shook her head.
"I'm sorry. I can't do it on purpose. I just get feelings, sometimes." Runa out a bite of noodles and rice in her mouth. The flavor again, didn't register. It was getting easier to pretend she was alright with every word though. Just ask for help. Some distant part of her cried. I'm dead. I don't need help anymore. She tried to shut it up. What does asking for help hurt if you are dead? Runa ignored this thought.
"I'm really sorry." She stood suddenly. "But I need to be excused for a moment." She walked to the bathroom and shut herself in, trying to calm down. No, calm is the wrong word. I'm trying to make myself feel something. Anything. Hearing a noise, Runa lifted her head in time for a hand to press a cloth over her mouth and nose. Runa struggled but the grip was strong and soon she had to take a breath. Her mind grew fuzzy in an instant and when her eyes closed it wasn't anything she wanted. Have to...make a noise. She swiped blindly for the cup that held the tooth brushes and forced her eyes open when she missed. She swiped again, but it was too far. Have to- A burst of wind blew in the open window she hadn't noticed before and slammed the cup into the wall.
Runa was gone.