Check Me Out

by CrypticBeans

Raising one child, fostering another and running a book store is no easy feat. Especially when Hizashi has to balance his two other jobs but he's doing it! Or so he believes. It's only when he finds himself meeting Shouta Aizawa that his world seems to flip over and spin on its head.

12. A Mothers' Love

"Dad! Are we going to Grandma and Grams house?"

Hizashi smiled when he opened the back door of his car with boy boys looking at him with their wide eyes. There was a sparkle to Hitoshi's with small hands holding onto his backpack that he'd told him to fill up with a few toys of his choice. There was a hope pinching at both of his sons faces when they bounced on their toes. Waiting with such anticipation he couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes, we're going to visit Grandma and Grams today. So, hop in! The sooner you get in, the sooner we get to their house for the afternoon!"

The gasps of excitement paired with the widening of eyes had him smiling when the boys then dashed forward as their bags were tugged off and handed to him. He helped Hitoshi climb in first and made his way to the left where his car seat sat. Sitting in it, he began to fuss with the buckles when he placed the bags on the car floor before turning to Izuku who lifted his arms up towards him. "Dad, do Grams and Grandma know we're comin' over? Will they have cookies?"

He smiled at the excitement in Izuku's voice as he listened to the click of buckles in the car as he helped settle the six-year-old in his seat with green eyes sparkling at him curiously when he smiled. It was always so adorable seeing both boys so hyped up to see their grandmothers. After fussing with their bags while Izuku buckled in, he leaned on the car with a smile. "They absolutely know we're coming, and you better bet they'll have cookies to spoil you two rotten for losing so many teeth!"

He then gently, playfully pinched Izuku's nose causing the green-haired child to giggle when he checked their belts before leaning out. Shutting the door with a slam, he tugged open the driver's side door and slipped into his seat causing the car to bounce lightly under his weight. Slamming the door shut as he settled into his seat, he grabbed at his own seatbelt and tugged it across his chest. "Do you think Grams will have a new toy for us too, Dad? She always has a toy when we come over!"

"I don't know but we'll have to see! Maybe she will and maybe she won't, that's the surprise of it, isn't it?" He adjusted his rear view mirror slightly with a low hum to himself before grabbing the keys and turning to look over his shoulder at his sons who were squirming in their car seats. There was a sparkle to green and purple eyes that had him grinning widely at the boys who grinned brightly back. "Are we ready to rock and roll? Ready to go see Grams and Grandma?"

"Yes! Go, go, go!" Hitoshi shouted with his feet kicking out with Izuku shouting with his arms thrown up in affirmation. It had him grinning before turning in his seat to twist the keys in the ignition allowing the car to purr to life. Putting the car into drive, fussing with his mirror, the car lurched forward with the wheel brushing against his palms when Hitoshi shouted as he bounced in his seat. "I'm gonna eat all of Grandma's cookies with Zu! And you can't do nothing about it, Dad!"

"Yeah! And we'll get all the toys!" Izuku shouted with his own feet wiggling before tapping at his seat when he chuckled before fussing with his mirror again before he was content with it. Holding onto the wheel, he smiled at the sight of his sons in the mirror beaming brightly. Visiting his mothers was always an exciting moment for both of his sons along with himself. "Are you excited to see Grams and Grandma, Dad?"

"Of course, I am! Maybe we'll get lucky, and Auntie Aimi will be there visiting too!" He loved the brilliant beaming smiles on his sons faces as he turned his blinker on before taking a turn. His mothers didn't live far from them. Perhaps forty minutes by car and an hour and a half by foot. It wasn't the longest time away from them, but he didn't mind living close to his mothers. If anything, the visits were made all the more exciting when he did so. "Man, you guys are really excited, huh?"

"Yeah, because Grams doesn't know how many teeth I've lost! Or Zu!" Hitoshi was bouncing slightly in his seat much like his brother with bright eyes locked onto him with a sparkle that warmed his heart when he smiled back at the boys with a hum. Settling into the routine of driving when Hitoshi drummed his fingers on the car door in a rhythmic tap that had him chuckling at his excitement. "I can't wait to see Grams and Grandma! It's been forever, Dad! Drive faster!"

"Faster, Dad, faster!" Izuku chirruped after his brother with feet kicking out again when there was the hit of a small hand on the car door with the green-haired child squirming in his seat. It had him laughing as the wheel brushed in his palms when he drummed his own thumbs against the steering wheel when he chuckled at his bouncing sons. It was always quite the event when they went to go visit his mothers like this. He really ought to make it a more common occurrence for them.

"I'm driving fast as I can, Izu, I promise! Just hang tight, guys, and we'll get there soon, I promise!" He reached up to scratch at his temple when he eyed the sky outside his windshield and the clouds he was driving towards. Forty minutes meant everything in weather. Would it be raining? He knew from the news that it was supposed to rain that afternoon so did that mean the storm system was coming through now? "Hey, guys, be prepared for playing inside, alright? It might be raining at Grandmas."

"Okay!" Both boys chirruped with hands tapping on the doors with the light creak of their seats as they fidgeted about in their seats slightly. He had no doubts they were secure in their seats, but he couldn't wait until they didn't need their seats. It would be a game changer one they were eight and by the law they could sit without a booster seat. Izuku then green eyes peered at him over the back of his seat. "Can we really have all the cookies Grandma makes, Dad? Or do we have to wait 'til dessert?"

"We run by the same rules at home that we do at Grams and Grandma's, bud. You know that." A pout formed on his sons lips then but he smiled when he turned his blinker on to take a left turn with a hum when he then reached out to turn the radio on. Filling the car with soft rock, he turned his blinker off and he smiled. "Don't worry, you both will get all the cookies you want from Grandma but only after you eat your dinner. Same rules at home apply at theirs. You know that don't you, Toshi?"

"Mhmm! Don't worry, Zu! Grams will give us an afternoon snack like Dad does at home!" He looked in the mirror as Hitoshi beamed at his brother who looked worried. Izuku had spent a year around his parents, but he still seemed slightly insecure about visiting. Painfully shy despite loving them the way Hitoshi did. He knew if he gave it more time that Izuku would be a confidant around them. He watched small hands come together in his rearview mirror with Izuku clinging to Hitoshi's.

"Toshi's right, Izu! Don't be worried, Grandma and Grams love you to bits, bud!" He then forced his gaze on the road before him when Izuku let out a slow breath before nodding in the reflection. Holding onto his brother's hand, there was a look of determination to his freckled face. It was quite adorable. The soft rock music and the brush of the wheel against his palms and he e couldn't deny he had a spark of excitement. He couldn't wait to visit his mothers. It'd been far too long, after all, and he couldn't wait.

---

"So who's the man?" Hizashi blinked when he looked up before forcing his hands to move when eh felt heat gathering in the back of his neck at the knowing smile on his mother, Kimiko's, lips. A sparkle to dark blue eyes as straight dark locks spilled down her back with her glasses slipping down her nose slightly. "Oh, come now, Hizashi, you aren't going to think that your mother is an idiot, are you? You've been clutching that phone of yours the entire time you've bene here and jumping every time it rings."

"I have not a clue what you mean, Mother!" He tried for that haughty tone when the brunette who merely smiled widely at him with a sparkle to those eyes of hers as that heat gathered in the back of his neck. Stinging in the tips of his ears as his knees curled slightly up on the lawn chair they sat on. The roof above keeping their chairs out of the pouring rain before them that pattered to the wet dirt. He looked over at the grinning woman with a huff before looking away. "There is no man."

"Mhmm, whatever you say, Zashi. Just know that I raised you and I was around more than Yuki was and I know how to read you like a book. You take after me, after all, my child." He raised his brows when he glanced over at the woman who merely laid back in her chair with her knees bouncing lightly when he heard shrieks of delight from inside followed by the bubbling laugh of his other mother. "Even if there's nothing going on, there's still someone in your life that's making you clutch that phone, Zashi."

He let his gaze fall to the phone in his lap as he played with the edge of his case. From the moment they'd arrived, Kimiko had been intent on catching up with him while Yuki caught up with the boys. He'd been dragged to the back porch to catch up with her. He'd been enjoying the conversation with his mother had been going smoothly but now? He didn't know what to say. That he had a friend that was putting butterflies in his stomach? That he likes talking to this man more than Tensei or Oboro? "Mom-"

"It's alright. Don't force yourself to tell me, Zashi. I just know that there's someone who's making you happy and I want to hear about it is all." He looked over at the woman who had shut her eyes with dark lashes fluttering against her cheeks. His mother was far from the young woman she'd been; there was forming streaks of gray in her hair. Nothing thick but the slight wrinkles around her mouth, the crows feet in the corners of her eyes, and the laugh lines spoke of age. A lifetime causing such wrinkles.

He missed her. His mother had always been his confidant while his other mother, Yuki, had focused on more on playin with them and being the disciplinary when needed. Both mothers had been strict but lenient in certain areas. They'd give them all the privacy in the world but would demand doors open should they break them. They were lax but still stern with them with high expectations but he had to admit his mother next to him had been the one he went too. "What if I say I don't know? Like, what we are?"

"Well, I'd say you need to talk it out." His mother's head then rolled towards him with dark lashes lifting with dark blue eyes locking onto him with that compassion he'd recognize anywhere when he shifted in his seat. Dark brown locks spread over the pillow as those eyes flicked over him before she smiled softly at him. "Tell me, darling, what's been going on in your life? I feel like I miss so much now that you're on your own now with two boys. I miss you, you know? I miss our talks."

"I do too, Mom. I miss them a lot." A hand stretched towards his to which he smiled before sliding his hand into his mother's where she slid her thumb against his. How did he say this? He didn't know what to say to Nemuri so how can he say this to his mother? He licked his lips before closing his eyes to cut off that eye contact when he spoke. "I have this friend. A friend I really do like and I don't believe in feelings at first sight. I don't think I have those feelings for him but it's just- It's complicated. I like talking to him more than the others."

A low hum left his mother when fingers squeezed at his to which he squeezed back before her hand slid away from his and he opened his eyes to find a thoughtful expression pinching at her face. Her head then rolled to look at him again with a pensive expression on her face when she shifted in her seat before rolling onto her side. Her hand coming up to support her head. "There is no such thing as love at first sight. But there is attraction at first sight. Tell me, are you attracted to him on a, ah, physical level?"

Was he? Maybe. He found Shouta to be amazingly attractive; handsome in that exhausted way. He liked having those dark eyes on him and his fingers itched to touch the half formed black curls of his. To touch the stubble covering his jaw and cheek. He liked that deep voice in his ear. He liked his body with its muscular, thick physique that left him envious. He'd found Shouta to be attractive from the first moment he found him in his store with Eri. It wasn't like it was a lie. "I think so. I mean, he's very handsome!"

"How handsome are we talking? Do you have a picture of him?" He nodded then picked his phone up from his lap when a squeal from the house had him smiling when his mother looked to the doors with a fond smile on her own lips. He unlocked his phone screen and quickly tapped on his gallery when he tapped on the first picture he had of Shouta, Izuku, and Hitoshi at the park from last Friday. He then flipped the phone to his mother who blinked. "Oh. Oh! Well, he is indeed rather handsome, Zashi."

"I know. And that's the problem! I want to be his friend and I've only known him a handful of weeks! I don't have time to throw a romance into it, Mom, that's the problem!" He couldn't shake the whine from his voice when his mother adjusted her glasses slightly then squinted at the picture. Then she hummed before leaning back into her chair when he sighed. "I am his friend. Is it bad that I think he's attractive, Mom? Is it bad I think he's probably my type? That he checks all of my boxes?"

"Hmmm, well are you going to race over to him now and act on that attraction?" He blinked at her when she shifted in her seat with her hand buried in her hair before groaning when she laid out on her back with her hand behind her head instead with a sigh. "Zashi, my darling boy, it's okay to find someone attractive. I mean, you had that dilemma when you found Nemuri and Oboro attractive, yeah? But you're still best friends with them, aren't you? You can think this man is handsome and still remain friends."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Zashi, darling, you can admit to that attraction to yourself but you don't have to act on it. No one is going to hold a gun to your head and make you kiss or romantically pursue someone you don't want too." His mother then shifted upwards, legs swinging over the side of her chair when she smiled softly as her hand left her hair. "Think he's handsome all you want. He's your friend, yeah? I'm sure he finds you handsome too! But if there's no romantic feelings then don't over think it, darling."

He pinched his lips together when he then sat up with a sigh as he stuffed his phone into his pocket before swinging his legs over the side of the chair. He wished his mother would give better advice but then again wasn't this good? Something he needed to get off his chest? He'd been dying to have someone to talk about it to that wouldn't get back to Shouta. He met that dark blue gaze with a slight pout on his lips. "But is that okay? Really? For me to find him attractive, Mom? I mean, doesn't that make it weird?"

"Let's simplify this, yeah? You find Oboro handsome, don't you?" He nodded hesitantly when the brunette smiled when her head tilted with dark locks sliding over her shoulders. Thin strips of growing silver glowing in the dark color when she smiled softly at him. "And you find Nemuri attractive?" He nodded again when she then stood. "Well, are you going to go and make out with them? Are you going to tell them right now you find them attractive? Are you going to act upon that attraction?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Then are you going to run after this man and act on an attraction just because you find him handsome?" He blinked at his mother then when her smile widened and hands came up to ruffle his hair to which he whined when her hands then slid down. Cupping his face before tilting it up towards her, her thumbs slid over his cheeks below his glasses when she squished his cheeks lightly. "Hizashi, darling, you're overthinking this. Just be his friend, yeah? Be his friend and he will be yours. Que sera, sera, my love."

Whatever will be, will be, huh? It was his mothers favorite saying when he was growing up and staring up at his softly smiling mother, he couldn't help but find this one instance fitting for it. He can be Shouta's friend. He wants to be Shouta's friend. Here he was in a dilemma over finding his friend attractive. Handsome. But wasn't there cause for worry? Wasn't there room to fuss about it? He opened his mouth to speak when the door was flying open with Hitoshi running out. "Grandma! Come play!"

"Oh, my! Look at you, Toshi! You've grown a foot since the last time I've seen you! What a big boy you are!" His mother had yet to interact with the boys due to them running after his other mother and the both of them coming out onto the back porch to catch up. His son beamed up at his mother who pulled her hands from his cheeks to cup Hitoshi's chubbier one with thumbs sliding over his cheeks. "Look at you! What a big boy you've become! I can see it, you look much older! Where's your brother?"

"Inside playing with Grams! I want you to come play with us now!" Hitoshi chirruped when his mother beamed down at the grinning child. Small hands touching the backs of hers when he caught Izuku shouting inside when those small hands took his mothers and began to tug lightly on them as he stepped backwards. His socked feet thudding lightly over the floor with that bright smile on the small boy's face. "Come and play, Grandma! Grams wants to make cookies! Come on!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" She had a laugh in her voice when she shuffled forward a step. Bare feet brushing over the wooden back porch when she turned to look at him with that pinch of worry to her face. The slight squint, the squeeze of her brows, emphasized he crows feet in the corners of her eyes. "Would you like to come and join us, darling? Or do you want to be left to your thoughts for a bit?"

"I'll stay out here for a bit. I'll be inside in a bit, okay? For now go play with your grandsons! I'm sure they have plenty of stories to tell you and I know I want a few moments to myself!" He then grinned at Hitoshi who beamed back at him with a sparkle to his purple eyes when he leaned forward in his seat. God, he loves that mischievous little smile of his son's when he reached forward to slid his hand over wild indigo locks. "Go play with Grandma and Grams! Give'em hell, Toshi!"

That mischievous smile on his son's face widened when he tugged on his mother's hand who threw a playful scowl at him. Shuffling forward across the porch through to the kitchen with Hitoshi tugging on her hands, he chuckled softly before lifting his legs up. Laying back in the lawn chair of his, he watched the rain pouring down to the ground. The smell of ozone and petrichor was intoxicating when he inhaled but it was nice. Laying back, he sighed out quietly before lifting his hands up to rub at his face.

Slipping them beneath his glasses to rub at his eyes fiercely when he heard the door thud shut behind his mother. Heat sizzled in the back of his neck when he dragged his fingers down his cheeks. Staring up at the ceiling of the back porch roof, he let his hands drop down with a slap against his stomach. What did he have to say about that conversation? He felt it was too dismissive yet not rude. His mother was merely trying to find the logic in his dilemma as he always had. To walk him through the dilemma by pointing out the rationality of it.

And he supposes he could see the rationality in his mother's words. He found Shouta attractive, but he didn't have feelings for him. He didn't think so. He was happy to talk to him just as he would be happy to be texting Nemuri. He was happy to chat and laugh with this new friend of his. There was an excitement to starting so many new friendships since joining the mom group. He had a network of new friends, both childless and with children. He was more than delighted at having all these new friends of his that he chatted with.

Hell, he talked with the women as frequently as he chatted with Shouta. So, was he going to let a few moments of finding Shouta attractive get in the way of that? He couldn't. Wouldn't. Just because there was attraction didn't mean that there were romantic intentions. He had too much on his plate to humor a romantic relationship at the moment. Was that why he had been so torn up? Because of these butterflies of his? The tingles he felt when they touched? He knew that he just needed to put it away for the time being.

After all, the way Shouta touched him had been casual but could be seen as romantic. Is that why his stomach fluttered? Was he just nervous that this could be misconstrued? He didn't want Shouta to think he wanted something romantic out of this. If he had to say it out loud, then he would. He'd say it loud and clear to establish the friend zone boundaries between them. Not friend zone, just boundaries. He flinched at the thought that he was friend zoning someone who had shown no romantic interest in him so far.

Even if he replayed that night of his dinner party when he was alone, but he could easily contribute that to the wine. To being tipsier than he thought he'd been, and Shouta had clearly been tipsy himself. It was easy to get carried away when they were tipsy back when things were still fresh. The start of their friendship together. It had him groaning under his breath at how twisted he was getting over this again. He wished he wouldn't overthink everything, but he was worried Shouta might take things the wrong way.

That he didn't want anything romantic out of this. That he couldn't handle that when he was confidently treading water. How could he balance a relationship when he had his store and workers to worry about? His sons to worry about? And Shouta no doubt had to worry about Eri who was still an infant. She needed all the attention her father could give her, and he knew that much. He knew it all that there was rationality to it all and he just needed to vocalize and reaffirm their friendship together. And yet there was something reluctant in him to do it.

That the way things were going now was fine. That he didn't need to worry so much over something that was stated clearly a handful of weeks ago. God, has it really been that long? They were entering late September and yet it still felt like he met Shouta yesterday rather than in late August. They would be closing in on a month of knowing one another as friends. He was happy to have Shouta as a friend. More than happy. Just like he was happy to have hsi mother's group friends. Mitsuki, Rei, the Urarakas, the Kirishimas, Kaminari's and the Monomas.

Even the Asui's had become very close friends of his. Such a large, diverse group of friends was what he had to look forward to and he adored each of his new friends. He had been talking mostly with Shouta exclusively so should he stop that? Should he try talking to different friends for a bit? Distance himself slightly? Or would Shouta be upset by that? He had not a clue how to address the situation but maybe his mother was right about it. Maybe he was overthinking it. He was making a big fuss out of nothing.

He was making a dilemma where there didn't have to be one. Mountains out of molehills. Molehills out of anthills. It was something he'd done since he was a young child due to his issues with anxiety. With his ADHD. He had no idea why he did it, but he'd always done it when he had a moment to think. Curling his legs up, he slid his arms beneath his thighs to hug his knees closer to him when he wiggled his toes before glancing ahead at the pouring rain. Pattering to the ground deafeningly as it struck at the ground.

Ran off of the roof above him in thick streams at the corners as he stared out at the weather with a sigh. It was going to be a bitch driving home in the downpour if it had reached their home like he worried they did. Forty minutes, weather wise, can always change. And he knew that today called for rain so surely it had blown over to his area. Sighing out, he leaned forward to rest his chin on his knees. He had a tendency of panicking over relationships. After all, why wouldn't he? Given who he was it was natural.

In his previous relationships, things had always been upfront and obvious in that shared attraction. He'd always made it his top priority for his partners to know he was a transgender man. A few had seemed accepting of it but the relationship itself fizzled out quickly. It's what led to so many one night stands in his early twenties. With Shouta, he didn't wan things to fizzle out when they were building their friendship. He didn't want their friendship to grow cold and awkward when he told him the truth about himself.

He didn't want Shouta to grow distant like other friends in the past had when he told them. He didn't want this budding friendship with Shouta to turn into a whirlwind romance given he told Nemuri mere weeks ago he had no time for dating. For romance. And he'd meant it; he didn't have the time for it. He didn't have the mental fortitude to take on a relationship. God, he didn't need to complicate his life by adding romance into it. However, he couldn't deny to himself that he was attracted to Shouta.

That from the few interactions they had, he feared the attraction went both ways. But it was like his mother had just said; two men can find one another handsome and do nothing about it. Shouta might just be his type. But was he going to act on it just because the man ticked all of his boxes? He didn't want too. He wanted to be friends. And yet he felt like a damn giggly teenager each time he talked to Shouta. He felt bubbly, electrified, when he hung out with Shouta where he got those gentle, casual touches from him.

And what did that say? He didn't have feelings, not romantic, but could it just be the rush of having so many new changes in his life? Was it because he was bettering not only himself but his children? He knew that his mother was right. He found Nemuri stunningly beautiful. He found Oboro handsome, attractive, as well. But he'd never acted on it even when he had the chance to go after them. Nemuri was a woman who ticked all of his boxes as well but to this day she remained his closest friend. His best friend.

He had no sexual attraction or desire towards her; once their friendship had been cemented after she begun dating Oboro, he'd choked his feelings down. He'd contented himself to the "friend zone" as she put it. He could possibly be over complicating his friendship with Shouta. He was panicking because he found the man attractive. Handsome. Was he really going to jeopardize everything just because he was scared of some attraction? Because he found Shouta handsome? He'd been thinking of him as handsome for weeks.

Why now was it affecting him like this? Is this how feelings started? By over complicating and overthinking? How many times in the past handful of years did Oboro call him handsome and he never batted a lash? Why did it feel different to think of Shouta calling him handsome? Was it simply because the idea of someone like Shouta felt like an impossibility? That he found him the man with a reserved nature with his awkward joking attractive? That the idea of Shouta calling him handsome in a serious setting felt impossible?

It had his heart skipping at the thought when he tightened his hold on his legs. Crushing them to his chest when he groaned before tucking his face into his knees. He was indeed over complicating it. He hadn't told Nemuri about his worrying feelings but he knew in reality it was just himself that was getting in the way. After all, he had that stomach fluttering and heart skipping when Mitsuki had called him handsome the other day. And it's not like he found her attractive but she was conventionally beautiful.

He always took flattery easily but it always wreaked havoc on his system when it was given his way. As if that old, shy nature when he was a child was threatening to come out when he'd duck his head down with nervous giggles when he was called handsome. He even turned red when the mothers in the mom group would croon and coo over him in that motherly fashion of theirs until he was red faced from their compliments. When he felt nervous from their worries about him that were vocalized bluntly.

So were his reactions to Shouta any different to them? It'd been a long time since he clicked with someone the way he was clicking with Shouta. The man could easily, in a few months time, be a new best friend to him. And that's what he wanted. Not a romance. Not now, at least. Not when he was finally treading water confidently rather than just barely keeping his head above water. These new changes in his life needed consistency to become fermented in his schedule. He needed to stay on top of them to keep them functioning.

He didn't want to be acting like some teenager girl with a possible crush. He didn't want to be squealing into their pillow and kicking his feet over a man of all people. And yet here he was, running to his mother to tell him what he needed so desperately to hear. What he wanted to hear. He wanted to talk to Nemuri as well but he feared she'd get the wrong idea. That he had a crush when he swore he didn't. He groaned into his knees again with his arms squeezing tight to keep his knees pressed close to him.

Why was he doing this to himself? Why was he complicating this? Why was he overthinking it? His glasses dug into the arch of his brow, his cheekbone, rather unpleasantly but he refused to lift his face away from his knees. He was in danger of fucking something up that was innocent. Harmless. All because he was panicking that there was something there when there clearly wasn't. Shouta had made no moves to show he was looking for romance. Looking for a relationship. They were friends. And he wants so badly to be Shouta's friend.

Was it the attraction that was throwing him off? His mothers had always said that stupid little thing of theirs; that disgust can turn to lust. Lust into love. And he didn't think he was lusting after Shouta. If anything, he appreciated the beauty of the black-haired man who seemed quietly reserved but friendly. There were a few times the man had been grumpy with him since their twenty questions but he liked it. Liked when the man was gruff and blunt with him. When the black-haired man seemed sour.

He likes a blunt personality that kept him from floating away or popping his bubble ever so slightly when it was needed. And Shouta had that blunt personality to do just that. They could effortlessly be best friends. He just needed to not overthink the attraction. He couldn't go falling over himself with each handsome man he welcomed into his life. And he could effortlessly say that he was tripping over his feet. He was becoming a giggly mess when talking to Shouta. He didn't want to lose himself just because he found Shouta handsome.

After all, what did that say about himself? He had too much on his plate to welcome a relationship. He had his business to think about. He had his boys to think about. He had himself to think about. He was happy living the solo life right now with masturbation being more than enough to give him the sexual release he needs. He was happy being on his own for the time being. And even by some miracle the black-haired man came out to tell him that he did want him like that there was complications.

There was an elephant in the room that he didn't want to acknowledge. The unspoken thing he had yet to tell Shouta; that he was a transgender. He hadn't told the black-haired man yet but he didn't want to even humor a relationship when Shouta didn't even know that. It's not something he went around spreading to new people. Hell, he hadn't even told his new group of Mom friends that he was a transgender yet. It didn't mean he wasn't going to tell them but rather he was planning on the right time to tell them.

He was making decisions on whether to tell them one-on-one or in a group setting. He was going to tell them but that lead to the topic of how did he tell Shouta? What if it killed whatever friendship they had? It'd happened in the past. When he was on the cusp of making a new friend, it died off when he told them he was transgender. It was shallow but he feared that would be the outcome when he told his new group of friends. He'd never actually had to come out to another person save for his one night stands.

And even then it was never serious but with people he knew? It needed to be something not blasé or said in the moment just to get off. God, it was easier with Nemuri and Oboro when they both found out. They'd been there from the beginning when the signs were painfully evident that he wasn't feminine presenting when they figured it out. After all, as a teenager, his voice had been very feminine. Low but it was unmistakable feminine nonetheless when he recalled the pitch of his voice back then. It was the worst to think of his old voice.

Of course, he could say it was before his voice was supposed to crack. A time when he was seventeen waiting to be put on testosterone by his therapist and doctor. To be approved for it. And it was during this that Nemuri had figured him out when a transphobic teacher had forced him into the girls locker room much to his embarrassment. The then teenage Nemuri had all but ripped that teachers throat out when she found out. Had damn near started a riot with how venomously she defended him to the teacher.

Oboro found out when he'd been teasing him about wearing a tank top only to find out it was a binder. When he figured it out, the then blue-haired teen had apologized profusely. Even to this day, Oboro still apologized and wailed he was sorry when it was brought up in good fun. Nemuri always found it hilarious and always asked to "check" if he was wearing a tank top much to his good humor. It was easier with Nemuri and Oboro because they'd been there since day one. They knew him as more than transgender.

He was Hizashi even when that damn teacher tried referring to him by his deadname despite having legally changed it by that point. The same went with his family; the day he told his mothers as a child how he felt, they'd take it seriously. The day he changed his name to Hizashi was an important one. They'd always seen him as Hizashi, even when he was playing around with names around his thirteenth birthday. Saw him as a boy when he was given his first binder after his breasts had, much to his dismay, started coming in.

Hell, it was his mother, Yuki, that held him when he wailed in the bathroom over getting his first period due to the dysphoria he felt. The outrage that his body was so clearly feminine when he felt anything but. His mothers had been there to help him through it the best they could. They had a whole shelf dedicated to transgender youths in their bedroom due to his sister, Aimi, coming out as transgender around her own young teen years. It was what made them so close, but his family had been there from day one as well.

They knew him inside out and they had been there when Aimi had felt jealousy over his ability to have a period. Over his jealousy that his younger sister had the body parts he wished to have. They'd been there when he was inconsolable over his periods. When his breasts grew larger, and he used tighter binders to keep his chest flatter. Being transgender was a complex, unique thing. It was something that wasn't just blurted out in the heat of the moment. It wasn't something that was taken lightly to him.

It was a sensitive, personal topic that needed delicacy. Needed tact. He couldn't just open the group chat with a "Hey, I'm guess what? I'm trans!". He believed it needed more than a simple text but where did he start? He had so much to consider. He knew he needed to tell Shouta sooner rather than later. He'd feel awful if he did catch feelings and this took him by surprised. He wanted to be transparent with his friends. The thought had him snickering at the thought when he rubbed his cheek against his knee.

He'd made so many jokes in the past since adoption Hitoshi that he was now a "trans-parent". A joke that had been used between himself, Nemuri and Oboro. Lifting his head up, he stared out at the downpour before him as puddles formed on the ground from the consistent gushing streams on the corners of the house. He'd tell them. His mom friends and Shouta. He just had to find the right way to tell them. He may also be overthinking his attraction to Shouta as well, but he knew he'd figure it all out.

When the rush of his giddiness at treading water so confidently wore off. When he was used to these new changes in his life, he was sure that he would find his overthinking was silly. Ridiculous. After all, not everyone had a preference for transgender men. He understood it, respected it, and never had a problem. In his past he couldn't deny he'd felt pricks of hurt when he was rejected kindly, but he had long since accepted it was preference. If someone didn't like he was transgender, then there was nothing he could do about it.

It led to him finding more open minded people who would sleep with him if he wanted them back then. For all he knew, this attraction Shouta might hold for him would fizzle out the moment he told him he was a transgender man. If Shouta was gay or if he was bisexual or pansexual with a preference for men it didn't mean that Shouta would see him as a real man. He could be grossed out by his vagina, and he wouldn't blame him one bit. It was all about preferences and it was all about what Shouta would want.

What he could give. And if Shouta didn't like the thought of what he had going on downstairs then that was simply a preference. But it's not like it would matter in the grand scheme of things when eh was determined to work on their friendship. And, much to his delight, he'd begun looking into bottom surgery lately. When he'd first gotten his double mastectomy, he'd begun talking to the doctors about his bottom surgery. It was then that they encouraged him to wait until he was at least twenty-eight or twenty-nine.

To give himself time on testosterone to allow his body to reach the maximum growth so they cold judge then go from there on the size of his penis before diving into phalloplasty. It was one of the conversations he'd had that left a lasting impact on him and he couldn't deny he was a bit disappointed to give it a handful of years back then. But now? Now he was grateful he took their advice to allow himself to grow naturally. It was a smarter option that he liked even if it did give him that dysphoria to be on his period.

It gave him time to look into the surgeries and the recovery time he'd be looking at. To plan it out properly together when he'd come up with a game plan with his doctor. Talking about what to do, what it would look like, and how to preserve sensation so he could receive pleasure. Erections. It had been a mind-numbing talk back then but as a twenty-six year old, he had to admit he wouldn't know how to feel with his bottom surgery. And until that day, any man with interest in him would be touch and go.

Especially gay men. There was nothing he could do to change that. He had a few more years out to make his decision but he couldn't deny that he wanted nothing more than that bottom surgery. Even if he was already a man, was already as masculine presenting as he can be, he still wanted his bottom surgery. It would be worth it to be rid of the periods that gave him such dysphoria he could do little more than cry over the reminder. And God knows the complications that could come with dating both non-straight and straight men.

At least while he still had his "lady bits" that he and Nemuri always called them through cackles on their wine nights. Knowing all of this, he knew it was up to Shouta how he would react once he told him. He felt an ache at the thought. Had his heart feeling heavy at mere idea that Shouta wouldn't be his friend anymore when he told him about it. He was a man, though, wasn't he? Did it matter if for the time being he had a vagina? He'd be working on changing it as soon as he possibly could. Regardless if he had a vagina or no vagina.

Period or no period, he was a man. He saw a man in the mirror when he woke in the morning. He shaved like a man. He carried himself and had the deep voice of a man. So what if he had a vagina for the time being? If Shouta couldn't see past it then that was his loss. The same could be said for his group of mom friends as well. They would be entitled to their opinions about the transgender community and if he didn't align with their opinions then that was on them. It was so easy to think it but the reality of it?

It scared him shitless. It was absolutely terrifying to think of his network crumbling before his very eyes just because he came out as transgender to them. He didn't think they were closed minded people. If anything, he believed them to be pretty open minded from the few conversations that they'd had. Even Shouta seemed open minded with his interest when they were talking. He knew that it wasn't overly complicated but again it was a situation that needed to be dealt with a sense of delicacy. A sense of sensitivity about it.

There was plenty of options that he knew he could take and he knew that he could make. The reality of what their reactions would be were something that could differ from reality. There was nothing he could do to control their reactions or what they thought but he hoped it would go well. Especially with Shouta. God, he'd never been more scared to mention this to someone like Shouta. There was no chance of a romance when they both had such busy schedules but he couldn't deny that he was absolutely sick at the thought.

Horrified at that thought of their friendship ending just because he was transgender. It was something that had made and broken many of his friendships in the past. He never understood it. He was a man, wasn't he? He'd certainly had people fuck him like he was a man. He'd fucked others like am an. People loved him as a man. He was one. One simple thing like anatomy shouldn't change that. If anything, he could wait for Shouta if something romantic did take place. If he had to he could have things wait until he got the phalloplasty.

He could wait for any potential at dating but was that fair to himself? Was it fair to make himself wait an addition two or three years for someone when he could give dating a shot? It didn't seem fair but if his "lady bits" were really a deal breaker then he could wait. Wait until he had a penis to make someone happy. He just didn't want to think that they would judge him like that for something between his legs. Something he had no control over. It was an odd thing to feel so panicky at the thought of losing everyone he had become so close with.

It was a terrifying concept. Thinking of losing that support network of his when he felt he finally had his head on his shoulders. When his sons were seeing kids outside of school for playdates and making friends. Making a small network of friends that they adored seeing. He didn't want to think that one admission would change all of that. It had him groaning under his breath at the dilemmas he was making for himself. He knew that he was only going to drive himself up the wall and eventually blurt it out.

That it would be messy rather than treating the topic delicately. He tugged his knees tightly to his chest with his forehead pressing tightly against them. He wished he could say it didn't bother him. That the idea he could lose people was well enough and they could do what they pleased. That he couldn't control others. But he truly didn't want to think that he'd be drowning without the support system he had now. Not when he felt he was finally taking control of his life when it felt previously like there was no control.

He was taking the reigns on his life but this small issue of his was threatening to blow up into a mountain. And he didn't want to let it grow that big. He knew that he could easily throw a dinner party for the mothers and address the topic when they were all together. It both was and wasn't a big deal. He didn't know what made him feel sicker; the idea that this was nothing and this was everything. A make it or break it situation with his new group of friends. But despite thinking of confessing to them he knew he didn't have too.

But he knew he didn't have to tell anyone anything. It was his business and his alone. He didn't have to go babbling to this new group of friends and get their approval of him. They saw him as a man, treated him as a father, so why would he have to tell them? Was it because in the past that very idea had bit him in the ass? He'd tried making friends in the past and failing to let them know led to them finding out down the road and being upset with him. Cutting contact with him. But it was private wasn't it?

He didn't have to say something just to keep his friends, did he? He could keep it to himself. It was his personal business and not another soul had the right to know if it he didn't want them too. But he didn't want them to find out down the road and be upset that he hadn't mentioned it sooner. But would they have the right to be upset? Or would he? He wished he knew how to approach the topic. Did he tell one person? Did he tell the whole group chat about him being transgender? Did he want to tell them?

All he knew he is wanted to tell Shouta weird as it was. Did he tell him now and kill off any chance of the black-haired man developing any interest in him? It was his information to do with as he pleased and yet he felt like he was choking. He was drowning under the anxieties that came with the complexities of the situation. Not knowing if he should tell them or to keep quiet about it. Shouta, he felt, had a right to know. The black-haired man seemed riveted to him each time he was speaking lately.

There had been something o that gaze on that Friday afternoon when he was sitting so close to him. An emotion he couldn't name in those dark eyes that flicked away from him when he accepted Eri from him when the boys asked him to come rock hunting. He'd sat on that blanket with the baby while Shouta had trudged off with his sons to help them find rocks. He wants nothing more than to be open with his friend. Shouta was quickly becoming a close friend of his in the handful of weeks they'd been talking.

And he wanted to know more. And yes, maybe he didn't have to say anything. No one had the right to know his private business. But he wanted to mention it now rather than it come up at a later point and someone grew upset because he didn't mention anything beforehand. He wanted to be upfront while handing everything with that sensitivity and delicacy. He didn't want it to reflect badly on his sons who were innocent in all of this. Did he say something about it? Or did he keep this to himself?

He wished he had a solid answer for himself. That something could be answered honestly, openly, by his own brain without him tearing himself apart. He wanted to know if he was making the right decision thinking of coming out to acknowledge he was transgender to his new friends. Here he was, a twenty-six-year-old man and he was worrying over this like he was sixteen-years-old again. It was an exhausting thought to have that had him sighing out. God, he was overthinking again. He was over complicating a hypothetical issue.

It had him groaning lowly in his throat when lifted his head up to watch the rain pouring in front of him. The thick stream gushing over the corner of the roof that pattered into an unseen puddle. He squeezed his knees to his chest when he twitched at the grind of the back door behind him being tugged then closed when he glanced over to find his mother, Yuki, shuffling over to the chair with a hand coming down on his head. Ruffling his hair, she then sat down on the chair next to him that his mother, Kimiko, had been in mere minutes ago.

"So, how is sitting out here with the rain? I can only assume it's like watching paint dry." His mother chuckled then when he smiled softly at the brunette before him. Chocolate brown hair held signs of graying with quite a few locks running through it. In two years' time -perhaps even in one- he was sure his mothers' would be actively graying. It tugged at his heart at the thought of his parents going gray. It was merely a sign time stopped for no one. Even his loved ones. "What are you thinking so intensely about out here?"

"Lots of shit." He replied on a sigh before letting go of his legs to stretch out with a groan as he leaned back in his chair as his mother grinned at him. There was a playful sparkle to brown eyes as she leaned her head against her hand with brows raising at him. Encouraging him to continue onwards when he sighed out before tapping his feet lightly against the foot of his chair. "I'm just- Has Mom told you anything? About what we were talking about before Toshi came and got her?"

"You're having booooy problems!" He couldn't help a snort when his mother drew out the word in that playful manner of hers when she then shifted to curl up on her side on the lawn chair. Her eye sparkling at him when she sighed out with her grin softening slightly. "But I know it's more than just boy problems. Or should I say man problems? What's really going on in that head of yours, Zashi? Be blunt with me, yeah? I can take it far better than your mother ever can. So, spill your guts, kid, and vent it out!"

"He doesn't know. That I'm, um, trans. Neither do my other friends and I guess that's another problem I didn't really talk with Mom about." He curled his knees up slightly when his mother tilted her head slightly at him and he sighed out with his hands coming up through his hair when he turned his head to stare at the brunette beside him. "I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm twenty-six, two sons, and now I'm worried about someone liking me when a year ago I'd kill for someone to like me like that. What's wrong with me?"

Brown eyes flicked over to him when his mother shifted to the edge of her chair before reaching out to tuck hair behind his ear. The back of her fingers then touched his cheek in a caress he'd received countless times in his youth when she would comfort him. It had him shutting his eyes as he swallowed against the small lump of emotion in his throat. "There's nothing wrong with you, Zashi. There's not a thing wrong with you if you're panicking over someone liking you. Your life is different from a year ago."

"But I-"

"Hang on, I'm not done!" Fingers pulled away from his cheek then to which he opened his eyes to find that playfulness gone. Instead, there was an intensity to those brown eyes when his mother pulled his hand from his hair to squeeze it firmly. "Hizashi, your life is going much differently than you thought it would. You have two boys who need your time and patience. Your love. You have a store you run that needs your time and dedication. You have household duties that need to be done to keep it running."

"Ma-"

"Hang on! My goodness, I never raised you to interrupt someone, did I?" He pinched his lips together when the woman squeezed his hand. "Hizashi, you're growing up. More so now than you ever have before. You're close to your thirties and sometimes that means locking down. Dedicating yourself to your home life. It's okay to be worried about a romance when you don't want it. You're a good person regardless. And I can help you write something up for coming out to your friends, but you know what?"

"What?"

"If they don't accept you or if they can't accept you, then fuck'em." He couldn't help the burst of laughter that left him when he squeezed his mother's hand back only to get a slight grin from the woman who let go of his hand. "It's the truth! If they can't see past it, then they can go fuck themselves! They'll live their lives, and you'll live yours. Nothing matters more than living your truth and you're living it, Zashi, aren't you? You've grown into a wonderful, smart, headstrong young man and I couldn't be prouder."

"You might want to calm down with the comments, Ma, or I might think you love me or something!" That hand swatted at his upper arm when he let out another laugh as he rolled away with fingers skimming past. He grinned at his mother who smirked back at him with that sparkle reappearing in her brown eyes. Sighing out, he pressed his head back to the chair when he turned to look at his mother. "I don't want to lose friends though, Ma. I like Mitsuki. I like the Urarakas. I like Shouta. I don't want to lose them so soon."

Oh, the warmth in his mother's eyes felt close to pitying but she merely supported her head again with that smirk wavering on her lips when he shifted in his seat. It was odd to be having two talks with his mothers of all people when he'd been wanting an unbiased opinion, but they seemed to be giving it. Perhaps there was a tiny bit of bias, but he didn't know how to say it to Nemuri. "I can't say that you won't, Zashi, because you can't predict how they're going to react. How they're going to take it. And you can't control how they will."

"I know that I can't. But I just don't want to lose the support net I have going so far, you know?" His mother sucked air through her teeth in a sympathetic manner when he sighed out with his hands sliding through his hair again when he sat up and swung his feet over the side of the chair with his gaze locking onto his mother. A look of sympathy on her face when he sighed. "I think I need a coffee. Do you have the pot on?"

"Of course I do! Your mother practically chugs the stuff whenever she gets a chance too!" She swung her legs over the side of the chair when they both rose onto their feet in unison and her hands came up to cup his face. Thumbs sliding along his cheeks, he tipped his face into her hands when she smiled softly. "But Hizashi, darling boy, you will figure all of this out. The worry about your attraction to Shouta, telling him and your friends. I think you'll figure this out quickly, darling. Just take it one step at a time, yeah?"

"It's hard to take it one step at a time when I don't even know what or where the first step is." That sympathetic expression pinched at his mother's face when he then sighed before turning on his socked feet to shuffle across the wooden floor of the back porch to make his way forward. Shuffling up to the back door, he tugged it open then stepped into the house with his mother close behind when he shuffled into the kitchen. "How do I go take steps forward when I can't figure it out, Ma?"

"The first step, I'd say, is not to overthink everything, Zashi. You've always had a fussy head, you know that? Even when you were a toddler, you've always over thought everything but also have the tendency to underthink things. It's best for you to approach it with an open mind but don't go overthinking it, alright?" He grunted at his mother then when he reached up into the cabinet to grab a mug for himself when his mother sighed before tugging at a chair. Pulling it away from the table with a screech over the tiles.

He quickly used the vanilla syrup his mother had to give himself one, two, three pumps before following it with a few squirts of their liquid sugar. His mother, Kimiko, had always been a coffee fanatic. Once she figured out her order, she merely bought the syrups rather than buying a coffee every day from a coffee shop. Grabbing the pitcher, he poured the steaming coffee into his mug when he sighed. "I just don't want anyone flipping out, Ma. I don't know where to start and I want to figure it all out now."

"You can't force things to work out now, Zashi. That's not something you can force" He then tugged open a drawer for a spoon which he used to stir his coffee before shuffling over to the fridge when his mother sighed behind him. The muffled shrieks of his sons with his other mother in the basement rang with delight had him smiling softly. He then poured a splash of milk into his cup. He made his way back to the fridge, sliding it in, then shutting the door as he returned to his coffee. "I think you should start journaling again."

"Ma."

"Oh, don't give me shit! You always journaled as a kid and a teenager and it helped you, didn't it? You don't gotta write every day but why not write about this situation? Sometimes things can clear up when you write it out even if it is to yourself, you know?" He stirred his coffee before pulling his spoon from the cup to pop into his mouth. Sweet. The heat of the spoon clicked off his tongue piercing when he slid it out then tossed it into the sink before picking his coffee up and turning to his mother who raised her brows.

"I'm not going to stand here and tell you that you're wrong but the way you say it sounds like it's wrong, Ma. Like you're telling me to journal and not suggesting it." His mother smiled sheepishly when he tugged a chair out for himself and sat down across from her with a sip. Taking a gulp at his hot coffee, he placed it down with the coffee no longer sloshing dangerously near the top. "But you could be right. I mean, I still have my old journal from my college days that I could write in now that I think about it."

"See? Writing things has always helped you, Zashi, and it's helped you manage your ADHD in the past, hasn't it? It helps you collect your thoughts and see where you're at mentally!" His mother leaned her cheek into her hand when he noted the wrinkles around her mouth. Along the sides of her nose and the crow's feet forming in the corners of her eyes. Subtle. She had bags under her eyes as if she hadn't slept well the previous night and it had him frowning. "Journaling can be good for you, you know that?"

"I do know that, Ma. I guess when I take the boys home I'll journal tonight." He lifted his cup up to take another sip at the scalding liquid when he lowered it down to lick at his lips when his mother hummed at him. He then sighed out as his cup thudded to the table again. "I miss you, you know. I really should come and visit you guys more often; you're not getting any younger. I miss coming over but with how busy I've been lately I haven't had time to plan a trip out here. I want the boys to see you more."

"Well, we're still here! Any time you want to come by you can. And we can come to you!" A hand once again reached out to take his then giving a squeeze that he returned without a second thought. He really did miss his mothers. He hates how busy he's been the past couple of years but with the signs of age touching his mothers, he felt that ache tugging in his chest. He wants to spend more time with them. To see them more often than this when his mother smiled softly. "We miss you too, Zashi. We miss all of you."

"We should plan something out! Like a small get together with all of us, yeah? I know that I'd love nothing more to see you and Mom more often." That hand in his squeezed again before it slid away when he lifted his coffee up and took a few quick sips at it before placing it down with a sigh. He then lifted his free hand up to press beneath his chin while he smiled at his mother. "I thank you and Mom for listening to my bullshit. I really needed someone to talk too, and I didn't know how to bring it up with Nem."

"Any time, Zashi. You're our son and if that means you come over to rant to your mothers about some situation we know nothing about then so be it! I love talking with you and today has been so nice to see how well you've been doing! And those boys are getting so big! My goodness, they're like weeds! Right when I think that they haven't changed they go and get taller on me! I'd know that your mother and I would love to hear from you more. Whether that's a video call or a regular call!"

Smiling softly at his mother, he leaned his chin onto his hand when he tilted his head slightly allowing his hair to sway against his back to spill over his shoulder. He really did adore his mothers. Today had been quite eye opening talking to both of them and he couldn't deny that their voices stirred that old longing. To be held on their lap and fingers trailing through his hair as they told him everything would be okay. How he wished he could be a child again. "I'm sure that something can be arranged for that!"

That soft smile on his mother's lips widened when a sparkle formed in her brown eyes when she lifted her hands up to tuck her hair behind her ears. With how much older his mother looked, it was always a shock seeing the piercings lining her earlobes and the industrial bar she had running through the top of her left ear. An old choice of her youth that she had gotten as a teenager. The warmth to her gaze had him smiling wider himself. "I'd love to call you more often. I love you, Hizashi, you know that?"

"I love you to, Ma. And really, thank you again. For talking to me, for listening, and giving me advice. I'll have to thank Mom." He paused then smiled when he lifted his coffee cup up before pausing before his lips when his mother raised her brows at him with that sparkle of curiosity to her gaze. "How about the boys and I stay for dinner? I can whip something up and you both can take a break from cooking so much, yeah? And we can take left overs if you want us too. Does that sound okay with you, Ma?"

"I think that sounds absolutely lovely." That wide smile on his mother's lips had him smiling widely himself when he took one then a second gulp at his coffee that ran through his chest to pool into his stomach. A hot path that had him shivering when his mother then tilted her head at him with that warmth to her gaze when she reached out to cover his hand. "And you'll figure it out, Zashi. All of it, I mean. You'll find your footing and when you do I'm sure it's all going to make sense sooner or later, darling."

Lowering his mug with a sigh, there was a victorious shout from the basement followed by the sound of his other mother's laughter. There was a music playing judging by the rhythmic, gentle thuds and it had him sighing out once more when he leaned his cheek onto his hand as he put his coffee down. He hoped so. He truly, deeply, hoped that his mothers were right that he would figure this out if he just stopped overcomplicating it. Overthinking it. "I fucking hope so, Ma. I really hope I figure this shit out."

"You will, darling. Now, how about you think about something else for a bit, yeah? It's three forty-three, I say we start talking dinner ideas! I know I have some tuna but I also have some chicken thighs I took out earlier to defrost that should be ready!" His mother pushed off the table to shuffle to the fridge when he smiled at her back. He loved coming to his mothers. They always gave him the dose of truths that he needed. He just needed to stop thinking about it and focus on other things instead.

How hard can that be?