Hi, you've reached Camille, and I'm currently unavailable at the moment so if-
Erin hung up and redialed her mother's number, growing frustrated and filled with concern every moment it would ring and then go to voicemail. Everyone knows when you're watching someone's kid then the phone needs to be practically glued to your hip, if not her palm. Erin repeatedly pressed down on the elevator button, hoping the faster she pressed it, the more in a rush it would get to her. She tries calling again, and when it goes to voicemail, she leaves a message, "Mom, it's me, don't open the door for anyone. Stay inside, don't take the baby or Milo for a walk today. I'll explain everything when I get there. Dad's coming after work." The elevator is taking entirely too long so she ditches it, running towards the stairwell, and if not for the boost of adrenaline coursing through her, she'd have been tired and out of breath by the time she got to her floor. She doesn't bother trying to give her another call, she's so close, she'll just talk to her in person. Erin rushes down the hall, panting heavily before coming to an abrupt stop, nearly tripping over her own two feet when she notices her front door ajar.
She stalls, -something's wrong- her heart is ready to beat out of her chest. She knows something is terribly wrong. All signs point to it, -something is very wrong. And suddenly she cannot breathe. There's this crushing chest pain. And she can't bring herself to move. She's frozen in place. She felt sweaty and light-headed and her vision started to blur. Her legs become weak and she nearly crumbles to the floor, if not for the wall behind her she's leaning against didn't offer her much-needed support. Mentally she's taken back to New York, she gains flashes to the home invasion that was the direct reason behind her move back home to Chicago. She walked in on it, and it's reminiscent of this moment because she doesn't know what she'll be walking in on. The home invasion that led to years of therapy -both individual and group- it led to the out of pocket expenses in moving and having to start over from scratch and it led to her adopting Milo, her emotional support animal that isn't offering her much support right now. He's nowhere around; he's not here when she needs him the most. That's just further proof that something is wrong.
Her front door is open and her kid and mother are inside and she knows she has to go in, she can't leave them alone, but her body is fucking failing her right now. She knows what a panic attack is, she knows what it feels like and how it looks and she knows that she's having one right now. She's had many of them since the break-in and since therapy, she's been patient with herself in getting through them, but right now she doesn't have the time for patience, not with her world inside of that apartment. A crushing weight pushes down upon her, it feels like she's being held underwater with no way of coming up for air. Her body goes into shock, and the fear doubles because she still doesn't know what awaits her behind that door and now on top of that, she doesn't know how long this panic attack is going to last. It's debilitating, it comes without warning and the rush of heat that comes to her flushed face mixed with the building nausea helps to remind her that she needs to calm down as soon as possible before she passes out.
"Get a fucking grip, Erin," she actually demands of herself because now is not the time for this. She shuts her eyes and thinks back to the guidance of her therapist and the group facilitator, reminding herself in a summarized version of their words, "say what's happening," she guides herself, "you're having a panic attack, okay good Erin," she speaks in third person, "slow your breathing so you don't pass out," she closes her eyes and starts to deep breathe, in through her nose and out through her mouth, counting to herself with every inhale and exhale she holds, "okay, you got this, you're not dying, you're going to be okay, you're not having a heart attack, you're okay, you just need to keep breathing and go inside because they need you." The pain and the panic subsided but it left her feeling shaken and afraid.
She knows she should call her dad, call Jay, call the police period because there is no reason why the door should be open, and for safety purposes, her safety, it would be best to stall in the hall until police arrive, but she doesn't have time for that; her mom and baby are inside and if someone is in there, she'd never forgive herself. She also knows that later, when she looks back on this moment, she's going to hate herself, hate her body for sending her into a panic attack when time becomes of the essence. Without hesitation, she squares her shoulders and forces herself to move forward. Erin pushes open the door and takes a small step inside, "Mom?" She reminds herself to deep breathe, she reminds herself that it's okay, this isn't New York.
Silence meets her at the door. She doesn't even hear Milo which concerns her. Milo doesn't even run to the door to greet her, which isn't like him.
Erin takes another step into her apartment, "Mom," her strangled voice shouts, it wavers out of worry, and then when she reaches the end of the hall, she spots her, sprawled out on the floor, "Mom," Erin rushes to her side, dropping to her knees and grabbing her head. She pats her cheek desperately, she's pretty unrestrained, the panic taking away any ability to be gentle, but she doesn't care, she hopes the roughness wakes her. Erin's fingers drop to her neck and she checks for a pulse, and once she finds one, she emits a sigh of relief. She pulls her phone from her back pocket and sends off a text to her dad, typing out the simple three-digit number - 911. Then she presses the dial key, knowing she needs an ambulance to check over and confirm that her mom is actually, in fact, feeling okay. She grabs a throw pillow from the nearby couch and sets it under her mother's head, hoping to provide her with a semblance of comfort before her mind drifts and centers in on the silence in the room.
"Emma," Erin doesn't expect her to respond. Tunnel-vision takes over and she blocks out the sound of the dispatcher answering her call, "Emma," she crawls over her mother and stumbles up to her feet. She trips, catching herself on the doorknob to the nursery and twists it to open it up. She rushes inside, moving as if possessed, and then when her eyes land on the empty crib, a gutted wail is released, "No," she starts throwing the one blanket in the crib outside of it, "no, no, no, no," she's on the hunt, searching every crevice in the nursery as if her kid was old enough to hide. Or maybe a part of her convinced herself that her mom maybe hid her before she was attacked, but the more she turned the nursery into disarray in her search, the more she realized that wasn't the truth. Erin's hands twitch at her sides and she rushes out, dropping back to her knees by her mother's side and tries again to wake her, "Mom, I need you to wake up," she's desperate, pleading, "mom, wake up!" Her voice grows louder and louder, "Mom, please, wake the fuck up," she repeatedly taps against her cheek but her mom doesn't budge, "UGH!"
"Hello?" The sound of the dispatcher penetrates the air, "Is anyone there?"
"Yes," Erin dives to grab her phone, "yes, I need police and an ambulance." She answered the woman's questions and provided her address before hanging up.
Erin wraps her arms around her waist. Her head swivels side to side, in search, in thought, she needs her mom to wake up and tell her what happened and where the hell is her baby. Emma. Her mind crumbles, her head clenching as the start of a massive headache builds. Tears come to her eyes and when the restless energy becomes too much, she starts to search the other areas of her home, holding onto the belief that her mom happened to hide Emma to protect her, though when her foot lands against a squeaky toy, she realizes Emma isn't the only one missing.
"Milo," she calls out. Though her little guy can't talk, he knows how to communicate and can give her some type of hint as to what happened, but she has to find him first, "Milo please," her tone is garbled, she can't take this, "where are you buddy?" Erin checks every nook and cranny, opening door after door until she sees what looks to be her pup. A muzzle on his mouth prevents him from barking, a blindfold around his eyes prevents him from seeing and his paws are tied together, damn near hog-tied which prevents him from scratching at the door. She rushes to his side, and once her hand touches him, he growls, obviously suspecting it to be an intruder, "hey buddy, it's mama," she removes the blindfold first then the remainder of his restraints. Erin doesn't know who moves first, her or him but what she does know is he ends up in her arms and she carries him out to the hallway. He can't talk but there is obvious fear in his eyes. He's shaking in fear, and when she sets him down, he lays at her mom's side, too weak to stand on his own four paws just yet.
Erin is restless, a building source of desperate energy fills her and she grabs her phone. Milo wants to follow but his body isn't on the same page as his mind, almost like he was drugged Erin realizes, "Stay here Milo, stay with my mom okay," her pup pouts, showing obvious disagreement with being left behind but right now Erin had no choice, her baby was God knows where and she needed to find her. With her phone clenched in her hand, she rushes out, tears welling her eyes and a knot filling her throat and when she knocks at one of her neighbor's doors, she nearly throws her phone in their face to show a picture of Emma when they answer, "hi sorry to bother you, have you seen this little girl?"
She got no after no after no and each one stabbed at her heart even more. She doesn't give up though. Milo is with her mom and though he's lethargic, he'll protect her until first responders arrive. There's no one to protect Emma though. Erin wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and takes the stairwell, figuring she'd come across more people that way than if she chose the elevator. And she was right, literally every person she spotted, she stopped and showed them the picture of her baby, begging, pleading with her eyes for information, hoping they saw something, only to be left feeling gutted when they unfortunately say no.
Erin makes it to the lobby, her eyes wide and frantic as she scans her surroundings. She rushes to the front desk, cutting in front of the two people in line, ignoring their protests in order to show the front desk guy Emma's picture, "have you seen my baby? This is her. Did you happen to notice if someone was carrying her?" He looks at the picture, examines it pretty hard but unfortunately he draws nothing. She turns to the people in line, they have nothing for her either. It's hard to believe that someone could come in, take a baby and leave undetected. She doesn't remove herself from the line, this is her last hope to hear something, to get some type of information, "have any of you seen a baby at all?"
"I saw one earlier," one of the men in line answered, "I came down to give the front desk a heads up that I'm expecting a package and need them to sign off on it. It was a lady and her baby in the elevator with me. I didn't get a look at the baby to know if she's the one in the picture. Sorry."
"What about the lady?"
"What about her?"
"Did you get a good look at her? If I show you a picture, would you be able to tell me if it's her?"
"Yeah, I should be."
Erin steps out of line and draws up her photos, quickly scrolling to the collection of pictures she has from her baby shower. None are directly of Abby but she knows there are some with Abby in the background. She swipes in search, for the first time mad at herself for not having a photo of that woman in her phone when suddenly she spots her. Taking two fingers she pinches her screen and zooms in, "here," she turns her phone around, "this is her. Was she the one with the baby?"
The man looks long and hard, only to eventually take a hold of Erin's phone to take a closer look. She doesn't know what answer would bring her more relief, if Abby actually has her or if Abby doesn't, "that's her," and she feels a knot twist in her gut and she realizes this answer didn't bring her any relief at all, "she looked a little different though. Skinnier, hair was lighter and she has way more tattoos. Was that not her baby?"
"No," Erin shakes her head, "that little girl is mine."
"I am so sorry. If I had known-"
Erin doesn't blame him. He had no way of knowing. And besides, she can't focus on that right now, "How long ago was it when you last saw them?"
The guy checks his watch, "…maybe an hour."
She becomes lightheaded, dizzy, her vision starts to blur and then the guy she's been talking with suddenly has a twin as she starts to see two. Her legs grow weak, -an hour- so much could happen in that time, she could have gotten so far in that time, she could have done the unthinkable in that time. The guy grabs her arm when she wavers, he becomes worried she's going to fall over and that worry becomes a reality when her eyes land upon Jay, he's the first to rush through the doors, her dad, the rest of Intelligence and paramedics not too far behind. She nearly falls if not for Jay who appears at her side, arms going around her waist as he pulls her in, he doesn't know what happened, all he knows is Voight received an alarming text and next thing he knows they're lights and sirens. The team circled them, all in a state of confusion, questions swirling their heads. The man she'd been talking with realizes she's in familiar company and squeezes her shoulder in comfort, "I hope you find your baby. I'm sorry again. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. I'm in apartment 409, you can send police there so I can tell them what I saw."
I hope you find your baby.
I'm sorry again.
If there's anything I can do…
Those words were concerning. And suddenly Halstead is off, racing towards the stairwell, leaving a dazed Erin behind. Her dad throws his arm over her shoulders and encourages her to walk, to lead the paramedics to his wife. He's worried. He knows Camille is hurt, but Emma being gone was news to him. They take the elevator and get to her floor just as Jay is walking inside, "Emma," they hear him call out. Erin can't take a step closer, her hands shaking at her sides. She nods for paramedics to go but other than that, she remains in the hallway with the rest of Intelligence at her side.
"Erin," Ruzek's hands grab her shoulders, forcing her to look at him so Voight can go be with his wife, "talk to us. Tell us what happened."
And before she could respond, Jay is in the hall, eyes red rimmed and pupils coated with tears, burning his orbs and threatening to fall, "Emma's gone. She's nowhere in the apartment. I checked everywhere, she's gone. She's gone. Someone took her."
Upon hearing the reminder, her breath gets caught in her chest. She can't speak, she can hardly move but she needs to do what she can to find Emma. She unlocks her phone, the zoomed in picture of Abby still on her screen and she hands it over to Adam.
"What's this?"
"The guy I was talking with in the lobby saw Abby leave here with a baby. She took Emma, Adam."
The empty pit in Jay's stomach turns sour. He grows nauseous. Erin doesn't know Abby is their suspect in Milah's murder, and to find that out on top of all of this is going to send her spiraling. Atwater opens his mouth, obviously to tell her when Jay cuts in, "come on, let's tell your dad and check in on your mom."
With his arm around her shoulders, he guides her in, leaving the team behind in the hallway to call out an APB for Abby and issue an Amber Alert for Emma. Erin steps back into her apartment to note whatever drug Milo had been giving must be wearing off, his tail is wagging now. She drops to her knees by him, moving his head to her lap and she rubs her fingers on the space between his ears as paramedics manage to wake her mom. It's dumb for her to think this. It's foolish for her to feel this but her baby was taken on her mom's watch.
Camille isn't even worried about herself. The second she comes to with a pounding headache and her husband rubbing her arm, she springs up and her first word is "Emma," her head whips around, adding to the pain of the headache, "where's Emma?!"
"Gone," was all Erin could say. She stared down, focused on the spot on Milo's head she was rubbing.
"Oh my gosh," Camille's voice cracks, she pushed the paramedics away and desperately tries to clamber to her feet, "oh my god, oh my god, no, no, no," as if she doesn't believe them, as if they're pulling some type of sick prank, Camille rushes to the nursery to check for herself. There's no sign of her anywhere despite Camille knowing that's the last place she left her. This is her fault. If something happens to her granddaughter, she'll never forgive herself. All the movement has her headache pounding, it's slicing through her skull it feels like and when she leans against the threshold of the door, the paramedics realize they need to take her in.
"Go with them Cam, there's nothing you can do for Emma right now. She's going to need you at your best if you're going to keep up with her," Hank says in a way to make her feel better. She can tell he's masking his emotions, those emotions that she knows he'll show once she's no longer around. Camille knows she should go, and if she does, by herself because she'd refuse all treatment if Hank thinks he's going with her. He must know that because he didn't even offer.
"Mom, you were out for a pretty long time. You never regained consciousness until paramedics got here. You need to make sure it's nothing more serious."
"…but what about Emma? I need to help find her. She was with me. This is my fault that she's gone."
Despite what Jay and Hank thought Erin would say and do, she says nothing. She doesn't dispute her mother's words though they all know none of this is the fault of Camille Voight, but Erin remains quiet because while logically she knows that, emotionally she struggles to wrap her mind around how leaving her baby with someone she trusts wholeheartedly wasn't enough to keep her safe. Erin bites her lip, continuing to focus on the top of Milo's head, he starts licking the hand that isn't rubbing him to show how much he's enjoying this.
Erin's silence is noticeable. And Camille doesn't budge from her spot, she sits, panic and worry on her face as she patiently waits for her daughter to say something.
"Camille this isn't your fault," It's Jay that speaks up when he notices Erin's silence start to affect her mother, "you had no way of knowing this would happen."
"I shouldn't have answered the door. I couldn't even put up a fight because it all happened so fast. You all left Emma in my care and she's not here. It's my fault."
"Mom stop," Erin asserted, voice snapping at a higher pitch than she's ever spoken in her life to her mother with, "stop blaming yourself because if you keep doing it, I'm going to start blaming you too." It hurts to say these next words but she knows logically they're true even though emotionally she doesn't feel them yet, "you were caught off guard. You had no way of knowing any of this would happen. If you did, I'm sure you would have given everything to protect my baby." Gone was referring to Emma by name which seemed to help Camille in some regards, but now in its place is Erin referring to her as 'my baby.' It never burned in the past to hear that, if anything it was always so sweet and wholesome but to hear that now, to hear that off the cusp of Emma being taken while under her grandmother's care hurts more than one would expect because that's exactly who Emma is to her daughter, that's her baby, in the literal sense, in every meaning of the word. Her baby. A baby. One who can't defend herself. One who can only cry if she's hurt or in need.
"I'm sorry baby," Camille uses the term instead of her daughter's name. She knows the paramedics are growing impatient, they want to transport her but she needs to wrap up here first, "I'm going to go to the hospital, get this looked at and then get right back here. The best team in the state is on the case, they're going to find her and once I get the all clear, I can help too."
Voight disagrees with that but he keeps it to himself, choosing instead to help his wife onto the gurney and giving her a departing kiss filled with promises from both of them to update the other on any changes. Once Camille leaves, the rest of the team enters with forensics at their heel because this place is now a crime scene. Al walks towards their mini huddle and sets his hand on Erin's shoulder, who still remains sitting on the floor, "we have an APB issued out not only for Abby but her car as well, we have an Amber Alert issued too, I had Ruzek message Kim to get an updated picture of Emma, I didn't want to bother you all for it but I wanted to get a picture of her out there as soon as possible. Atwater is walking the paramedics and Camille to the ambulance so he can get a statement and also a description of what Emma was wearing the last time she was seen," that makes Erin's breath hitch but they act as if it didn't happen, "Mouse is monitoring and freezing her cell phone and credit card activity. If she makes a call, if she swipes her card, we'll find her. She can't get far. We're going to get her."
"Thanks Al," Voight pats his shoulder in gratitude, thankful that he not only had a team but a best friend that could step up when he needed it.
Erin steps towards her dad, her arms wrapped around her waist, the blanket she now has draped over her shoulders keeping her warm and offering her comfort, "Okay, now what's next? Is there something I can do? I'm going crazy just standing here doing nothing."
"For right now I just need you to think of any place that Abby may take her."
"I don't know her that well. Your best bet is asking Jay, that was his girlfriend and the only reason Emma was even in her line of sight is because of him," the smart remark shows obvious proof of her feelings and who she finds obvious fault in. One can blame the emotion rising from the recent kidnapping but whatever reason it was didn't make it hurt any less.
"Erin-" Jay tries, extending his hand to offer her some support.
And she's not receptive to it, "No! This is on you," she tries to push him away but he grabs her wrists, "I told you she was crazy and you didn't listen!" She tries to rip her arms from his hold but he tightens his grip to stop her from hurting herself or him, "If she hurts my baby in any way, Jay, I swear on everything I love, I'll never forgive you! Never!" He doesn't take any of what she says personally because he feels the same way. He's blaming himself enough, and by the look in his eye and the noticeable silence of him not defending himself, she gets the sense that he agrees.
And she stops her assault, she stops trying to wrangle out of his hold, she just stops, and she releases a breath before falling into his arms, "I'm scared Jay," she cries into the fabric of his shirt. He kisses the top of her head, before moving his hands to her shoulders and pushing her away ever so gently. She looks up at him, her splotchy face decorated in damp tearstained spots.
"I know you are, I am too, but I won't let anything happen to her. We'll find her." He says, doing a poor job of trying to convince both of them. All she can do is nod, she has no energy to argue back, so she leans back into him and resumes crying. And he holds her. The two of them stand in the middle of her living room, rocking side to side as investigators roam in and out of their home, taking pictures and collecting evidence. They create their own bubble, protecting them from the concerned voices around them, only to be interrupted when Kim rushes inside, out of breath, pulling Erin out of Jay's arms to crush her in her own, "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry!"
Kim rocks the two of them side to side, running her hand up and down her friend's back, shushing the tears that only seem to build up, "I don't get it Kim," Erin hiccups, and if Kim didn't know her for as long as she has, she wouldn't be able to understand her through the sobs, but in the years worth of their friendship, Kim has learned to speak Erin, "how can someone kidnap a baby? She's just a baby! How can someone just knock my mom out and leave her there? Abby just stepped over her like nothing happened, she didn't even know if my mom was dead or alive!"
"That's what bad people do. It doesn't make sense and it won't, not to us, not to people like us."
Erin hiccups, "What if they can't find her? What if Abby flees the country or-or changes Emma's appearance somehow so no one recognizes her in the Amber alert? What if-"
"Hey, hey, none of that, you and I both know how toxic that line of thinking is."
"I know, I just can't help it."
"Abby is not leaving the country, we know that much at least. Cuffs will be slapped on her wrists the second she tries to board an international flight with a baby that doesn't have a passport. She can't even go to Canada either, they have that northern border on lock."
"…then why take her? I don't have money. Jay gets a cop's salary and she can't be so delusional that she thinks we can afford a ransom!"
"Let's leave the speculations to the professionals."
"I want to but I just can't help it. I think my mind thinks it's helping me by trying to guess why she kidnapped Emma. If not money, is it for revenge? And then revenge against whom, me or Jay? Is she going to try to raise her as her own? Is she-" Erin pauses because these next words hurt before they're even uttered, "is she going to kill her? She thinks Emma is the only one standing in between her happily ever after with Jay." Her hand suddenly covers her mouth, "I think I'm going to be sick."
The two of them hear a whine which distracts Erin from the overwhelming sense of nausea. The sound causes both of them to turn their heads towards Milo. He's still laying in the spot Erin had left him in. And Erin suddenly feels guilty, she can't feel guilty enough, between Emma and her mom and now Milo, she can't seem to do anything right. So she drops to the floor near Milo's head, and rubs the top of it, "What happened to him?" Kim joins her on the floor and rubs his back to offer her own version of comfort.
"I-I think that psycho drugged him." She's answering Kim but she's looking at her dad, offering him an explanation just in case it helps with the case, "he was locked up and he's so groggy." Erin brings her forehead down to press against his, "I need to take him to the vet hospital, I need to make sure he's going to be okay. His tail is wagging which may be a good sign but he's so weak. This isn't like him." And without admitting it, it becomes obvious just how scared Erin is right now. A tear rolls off her cheek and lands on Milo, and she feels him lick her wrist, earning a small smile from his human because leave it to him to try to emotionally support her when he's the one that needs it right now. Erin whispers a reassurance into his ear and presses her lips against his paw before drawing away.
"I can take him," Kim suddenly offers. By the look on Erin's face, it's obvious she didn't expect it, "You should be here. You'd go crazy sitting in the waiting room with nothing to do but think."
Erin knows she's right but she doesn't know if she can bring herself to agree. Milo is like another kid, he's her first baby. She wasn't here for Emma and now she's not going to be here for him. She doesn't want Milo to hold it against her, "Hey," Kim reads the expression on her face, "he knows you love him, and he's going to be out most of the time. I'll take him to make sure he's okay and then we'll come right back. He won't have the chance to miss you, but you know more than I do that you're needed here. They might have more questions. They may need more information. If you take Milo, you'll just go crazy with over-thinking."
"I'm going to over-think regardless of where I am."
"...at least if you do it here, you can do something about it."
"Yeah, you're right," Erin turns back to Milo. She rubs the top of his head and gives him another kiss, "you're going to be okay. When you get back and are feeling better, I'm going to buy you the squishiest chew toy and the most flavorful bone. I promise." He licks her hand again, sealing her words with a kiss.
"I won't leave his side," Kim promises.
"You better not."
"You have my word."
Erin doesn't want to let Milo go but she knows he needs to be checked at the vet hospital, she needs the green light to make sure whatever drug he was given has no lasting side effects. While Erin couldn't take him herself because she needed to stay to help find Emma, she was grateful for her support system, for Kim stepping up to offer without having to be asked. She wouldn't know what she'd do without her. They stand up.
"Thank you so much," her jaw quivered, her voice broke and tears continued to silently fall.
"Hey, hey," Kim comes closer and wraps her friend in a hug, a tight one, "it's going to be okay, they're going to find Emma, Milo is going to get the all clear and Camille will be just fine. I'm sure of it."
"How can you be? Abby hates my guts. She blames me for her relationship falling apart. Emma is a part of me, she knows there is no hope for her and Jay as long as Emma is in the picture. What if she convinces herself to get rid of Emma as a way to get back at both of us? Me for being with Jay and Jay for breaking her heart." She starts to hyperventilate at the thought, "My baby can't defend herself, Kim. What if she won't stop crying and it makes Abby angry? She might shake her. Or-or what if she gets hungry? I doubt Abby had the sound mind to grab a bottle and formula. Or she could get cold? Temperatures drop at night, her blanket is still on the rocking chair and her diaper bag is still in the room, she'll get a rash if Abby leaves her in a soiled diaper for too long. Emma doesn't deserve any of that. When she cries, she needs someone to respond. And she's not going to understand why I'm not there to soothe her when she cries, it's not going to make sense because I'm always there when she needs me. Too much of Emma's stuff is still here for me to believe she's being cared for properly. Abby is going to neglect her needs and Emma is only going to cry louder and louder, she's going to want me or her dad and neither one of us will be there to comfort her."
Kim had no response to that because the truth is she doesn't know what to say. She's stumped, suspended in silence and her friend's inability to offer comfort, even through the disguise of a lie has her crying. All Kim can do is hold her tighter, apologize, kiss the side of her head and promise to send updates on Milo. Kim can't do much for her right now but she can at least do that. Ruzek carries Milo out of the apartment, following behind Kim, leaving Erin standing in her apartment filled with so much activity. It's so much movement. It's overwhelming. It's the complete opposite from how things were when she first arrived. She wraps her arms around herself, knowing right now she's the only person that can comfort herself, no one else seems to know the right words to say. She meets Jay's eyes across the room; he's been staring at her and his gaze is heavy, it's focused, unblinking until his name is called, "Halstead."
The sound of Jay's name registers, he blinks back into focus, "Huh?" He turns his head.
"You didn't hear a word I said, did you?" the question was rhetorical and Atwater honestly didn't expect a reply, instead he repeated himself, "I said I need to take the evidence," he eyed the plastic bag holding a baby sock stained in specks of blood; Jay's grip around the bag tightens when he realizes he must have zoned out at some point during Atwater's rundown of the situation, "Jay, I'm really sorry about this," at this point, Kevin had to reach out and lightly tug the bag in his hand, "we need to send this off to the lab, rule out the blood belonging to Em."
A supportive arm was thrown over his shoulder, practically holding him up as he nods for Kevin to take the bag, "It's okay Jay, let it go," he hears the sound of Voight's voice, the gruffness in the tone catching him off guard, almost like it's too rough to be sounding sympathetic, "we're going to find her but to do so, you have to let us do our jobs. Let the bag go."
Jay relinquished the evidence bag to Kevin before stumbling back into Voight, unable to continue to suppress the strangled sob that had been clawing its way through his throat since he'd found out his daughter was missing. It's a weird sight. The activity continues around their apartment, even hours later as both of them sit zoned out on her couch, staring forward, almost as if disassociating themselves from the reality of the situation. Milo comes back later with a clean bill of health. Blood was drawn so they can see what drug he was given but he passed all his other tests. The vet believes time is medicine and he needs an abundance of it to clear the drugs from his system. Kim drops him off then departs to go check up on Camille, promising both husband and daughter to keep them updated on what's going on on that end. Milo remains weak, the drug obviously hasn't worn off yet, and he lies between both of his humans. Fast asleep. He's so out of it, he probably doesn't even realize he's back home.
"Hey Erin," Olinsky approaches, it goes without saying that he's taken somewhat of a lead role in the investigation, at least while her mom remains in the hospital because her dad cannot keep his head on straight, "I hate to bother you with more bad news."
Erin blinks, clearing her mind and her vision and looks up at Al, "What is it now?"
"We have every reason to believe Abby is responsible for Milah's death." She immediately looks at Jay and just by the look on his face, she can tell he knew. He fucking knew. And he didn't say a fucking word.
Halstead watched in fear, eyes wide, mouth agape as Erin clenched her chest, face contorting in pain and after several seconds, tense moments stacked upon another, she took off to the bathroom. He shoots a glare at Al then moves to follow but before he can enter, the door slams shut in front of him. He couldn't move, he stood frozen to the spot, staring at the white, wooden door as he listened for the sound of it locking. It never comes. Blinking several times, trying to process and comprehend the last few hours as he looked over his shoulder, spotting the worried expressions on his team's faces. Dawson picks up a fallen glass she'd accidentally knocked over, the water inside spilled all over the carpet, seeping into the threads as the drying process starts.
Jay snaps into focus when he hears the shower cut on. He turns the knob and lets himself inside, slipping through the crack to ensure Milo didn't follow him. He closes the door behind him, ignoring the sounds of Milo's whines as he scratches at the door, almost apologetically, as if he somewhat blames himself for Emma being taken. The drug seems to be wearing off but he's not fully back to himself yet. He lays outside of the bathroom door, patiently waiting for it to reopen, while slipping in and out of slumber.
"Babe," he says over the sounds of the shower. And he gets no response.
He moves closer to the tub and gently grabs the fabric of the shower curtain and pulls it back to find Erin huddled in the corner of the shower, fully clothed, with the warm water of the stream pouring down upon her. Her eyes were closed, knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. The exposed skin of her arms was covered in goosebumps, telling Jay the warm water had just turned cold. She started shivering violently and immediately, Jay sobered up, wiping his own tears from his eyes and leaning into the tub to shut off the water.
Jay wasn't sure if she even knew he was here. He wasn't sure if she recognized the water wasn't on anymore. He wanted so badly, so desperately to climb in and hold her but he knew that's not what she needed right now and it'd only result in him being pushed away. It'd make her feel trapped, she's pretty claustrophobic and the last thing he wants is to make her feel worse. Instead Jay chose to sit on the edge of the tub, back to her as he started to speak, "Erin, we're-"
"Jay," she cut him off, voice sounding meek and raw, "she's just a baby, my baby."
He scrubs frustrated hands over his face, "Baby," he says desperately, "let's get you out of here, let's get you dried off and changed so you don't get sick."
"I'm fine," the words come out harshly and she doesn't feel bad for it.
"Er, you're really breaking my heart with this," his voice strained, practically pleading because to see her like this made the pain of Emma's disappearance feel even worse. He reaches his hand out, eyes wide, filled with unshed tears, "Erin, please just-"
"Jay, stop," she shouts, voice loud enough that he knows everyone in the apartment heard her, "just please stop, please just leave me alone," her voice cracked, broken and he could see she was working herself up as her need for air superseded her pleas for him to go away, "This is something I should have known! The second you knew, I should have known! I don't care if it's still an active investigation or not, if you had enough suspicion to believe Abby is capable of murder, you should have told me! How could you not tell me?!" She screams, and the sound of her voice wails, startling him backwards.
She doesn't have to go into detail for him to know what she's talking about; she wants to know why he didn't say Abby is a suspect in Milah's murder.
"…because we had found out right before we got the call to come here, it had slipped my mind" he tells a small, insignificant lie, "and when I got here, you were so worked up and-"
"Because someone kidnapped my child!" She interrupts and he doesn't take it personally.
"I know. I know. I'm just telling you why I didn't say anything initially. I was going to tell you once you were able to gather your bearings but out in that hall, if you'd only seen the look on your face that I saw, you'd know why I didn't mention it. I can't worry about both of you. I need you to be okay so we can focus on Emma being okay. We'd agreed to tell you when you were ready, and I guess Voight forgot to let Olinsky know, I don't know why he just randomly brought it up but he shouldn't have, that investigation is second to Emma's right now." Now that was the truth. All of it.
"But-but the same person that took Emma is the person that killed Milah, doesn't that scare you?"
"It terrifies me, but I can't lead with emotion right now. I have to keep a clear head. The two investigations have the same perpetrator but whether you agree or not, it's a different investigation. If she killed Milah to get to Emma then that's one thing but right now the two cases are separated. We solved Milah's killing, we have the evidence to arrest her but that evidence tells us nothing as to why Abby did this and where she took her."
"I get that but you still should have told me."
"It would have only freaked you out more. Hell, it freaked me out."
"...and you still should have told me. I'm a big girl, I can handle my emotions."
"You're fully dressed, sitting in a cold shower to avoid having a panic attack. I need to focus on Emma, I can't worry about you too, and I'm extremely worried about you right now."
"I don't need you to worry about me."
"That's easier said than done. I can't not worry about you, Erin. Do you know how much you mean to me?" He can tell by the look on her face that she doesn't and he sighs, "you mean everything to me, you and Emma, there's no one I lo-care about more. I want to protect you."
"Jay, you still should have told me. I get you might not have told me once you found out because it's still an active investigation, but the second you found out about Emma's kidnapping, I should have been the next to know. Abby killed a whole person, a good person, there was a little comfort in thinking she might be crazy but she's not that out of her mind to kill someone, but she did! She killed someone brutally, she stomped her face in Jay, and that same woman has my baby! I don't care about protocol or policy, I should have known! This is Emma's life!"
He nods, running his hands up and down his thighs, "You're right. I should have told you and keeping it from you was not the right move. If the roles were reversed, I would be mad too."
Her shoulders sag, and for the first time in a while, she reaches her hand out to rest on his thigh. That's all she wanted to hear. He turns his hand over and her fingers interlace with his, "Thank you," she appreciates him seeing things from her perspective, "I needed to hear that," she voices her inner thought.
"It's pretty late, the team will probably work the case all night, but you should get some rest."
Her head shakes, the wet tendrils of her hair causing water to sprinkle against his face, "I don't-"
"I'll lay with you until you fall asleep."
"Jay, you can just-just go, go to sleep, I'll be fine, I'll be okay," she uttered quickly between breaths and the sound of it caused his chest to physically sink in. Air is exhaled loudly through his nose, his eyes still shut firm as his worried and restless hands tried to occupy themselves by scrubbing through his hair. The same hands that she won't let touch more of her, the ones she won't let come near her.
"No, Erin, no."
"Jay-"
"I'm not leaving you in here, not like this. I won't bother you, I won't force you to talk to me but I can't, I won't leave you like this. You are far from fine, Er, you are far from okay," he implored with conviction. His hand drops to cover his mouth, and he shakes his head from side to side in desperation. He felt like a child, helpless, lost and scared, and his thoughts travel to Emma, wondering how she's feeling, if she knows something is wrong, if she's crying out for them.
"Abby didn't take any bottles or formula with her," Erin whispered; her gaze zoned out, showing that while physically she's here, mentally she's somewhere else, "why wouldn't she take food?"
Halstead pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut trying to will away the image of his daughter crying, of her hungry, cold and alone, "I know you're not tired and you want me to leave you alone but I need to help, no one on the team wants to find her more than me but I'm going to be distracted if I leave you like this. I can't leave you like this. Please, come out, change and lay down so I can fully focus on finding our kid." His eyes are wide in a plea as he meets her gaze, communicating with his expression the things his words fail to say.
The message is received. Though she didn't want to, she gave in for Emma.
The tub was slippery, and when she rose to her feet, he reached out to steady her, wanting to make sure she didn't fall, but she pulled away, using the tiled wall to catch herself from slipping. Erin puts her hand up, shaking her head at him, almost to say stay away from me, don't touch me, leave me alone, but she settled on saying "no." It comes out breathlessly, like she's still struggling to catch her breath. It's obvious she doesn't want to leave the tub, she seems to find a semblance of safety in it, but she does for him, for Emma. He doesn't touch her, but his hands do hover near her, guiding her out of the bathroom, and following her -and now Milo- into the bedroom. A part of him feels as if he hasn't fully registered all the information he just got in the last day; his ex killed his therapist and now has kidnapped his daughter. A part of him is operating on a cloud of denial because if he allows himself to do exactly what his feelings are leading him to do, he'd be out here, knocking on doors, ransacking places without warrants all in a hunt to find her. And maybe that's what he needs to do because what he's doing now isn't working, it's not enough and if anything happens to his kid, he'll never forgive himself. It'll be no amount of therapy, medication, coaching that'll be able to get him through that.
"Okay," her raspy voice interrupts his harmful line of thinking; he turns to face her, she's changed, gone are the wet clothes and in its place are a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Her hair is wrapped in a towel and her face is bare. The rawness and the vulnerability in her gaze makes her appear so much younger than her actual age. He doesn't say more, he only moves to the bed and pulls back the covers, "if I fall asleep, will you wake me up the second there's an update?" He doesn't provide a verbal response, he silently nods, "I'm serious Jay, if I wake up and find out there has been some major update, I'm not going back to sleep until we have her."
"You have my word, I promise," he gives her forehead a kiss and wraps her into his embrace.
He lays there as still as possible, hoping it aids in drifting her off to sleep. The only thing he didn't consider was the weight against his arm, how laying in the same position for what felt like an hour is causing discomfort. A painful tingle burned in his palm, stretching up his arm, a result from a lack of circulation Jay had realized. Erin's head was buried between his shoulder, the pillow and his chest, one arm wedged tightly between them and the other was thrown over his waist. Their legs entangled, and it was dark, her blackout curtains doing its job in shutting out the sunlight. Slowly, Jay lifted Erin's head so he could carefully move his arm, but when she stirred, he paused, frozen mid-movement, waiting for her to shift and settle again before untangling the rest of their limbs. He can't fall asleep; he didn't plan on it, he needs to go out there and get an update, and see in what way he can help. Just laying here is driving him crazy.
Jay sits at the edge of the bed, stretching and shaking his arm back to life. He clenches his fist, then unclenches it seconds later, repeatedly until he starts to regain feeling. His gaze falls to the digital clock on her nightstand, his eyes widening when he realizes they've slept for five hours, the most one can expect when your kid has been taken. And they widen even more when he realizes that he slept for the same amount of time. He knows he should wake her, she'll be mad that she slept so long but he knows she needed the rest, she needed the sleep. Waking her up now when there is nothing she can do will only send her spiraling like last night. He doesn't hear any noise coming from her apartment which makes him believe everyone's gone. His body clenches up, and though he doesn't want to wake her, he does just that.
"It wasn't a nightmare, was it?" Her scratchy, and raw voice interrupts his thoughts and he realizes that there was no point in debating whether to wake her, she's already up.
"I'm sorry," is how he answers. He starts to get out of bed.
Erin slowly nods and rolls over to face the other side, she brings the pillow to her chest and holds it tightly, her face burying into the fabric to suppress and hide her tears. It's nothing he can say to comfort her, he knows this because it's nothing anyone can say to comfort him. The sight of her breaks his heart even more. He knows he should call Voight, he needs to call Voight, he needs an update, but he trusts Intelligence to be working hard as hell right now to find his kid. He needs to do something and while offering help is on the forefront of his mind, instead, he chooses to crawl back into bed, spooning her from behind, her face remaining resting into the pillow while he finds comfort in the crook of her neck. She lets him hold her. He's the only one that understands how she's feeling. They plan to help but in order to focus, they needed this. They needed to let this out, otherwise it would have been a distraction. He'll give them the rest of this day, and then emotions are to be suppressed and he's going to knock through anyone and knock down everything that stands between him and finding his daughter. Screw what ends up happening to Abby, caring about her safety and her life ended the second she put a foot to Milah's face, assaulted Camille and kidnapped his child. Gone were the days of protecting her, she deserves everything she has coming her way.