Originally I wasn't going to touch any of my other projects until Avatar of Moonlight was finished, but I got multiple requests for this thing to be continued sooner rather than later, so, might as well. It makes me happy that ppl appreciate this.
(2.4.5: BATTLEFIELDS SYSTEM)
December 19th 2014
T minus 377 days
Thank the ancient Babylonians for Sundays.
All things considered, we ended up staying pretty late yesterday, which under different circumstances, might have cost us dearly – but this once, it seems like we had been allowed our little moment of catharsis scot free.
I awoke in the golden glow of morning, surrounded by that faint sense of surreality that comes from seeing one's room from one's bed in a light that differs from the position of one's usual waking up time.
The apartment was already awash with sound – I think I could hear Asuka arguing with Misato, denying her use of her exfoliant cream in vengeance for Misato's supposed stinginess with her parfume: "Buy your own!"
But neither of their voices was really raised or hostile. It had a playful, domestic quality, comparable to sisters bantering.
I doubted that Asuka could have been so completely cured of her frustrated affections already, but nonetheless, they were talking to each other again, which brought a private little smile to my face, a small comfort, at least, which I got to bask in until I caught wind of Mari's all too enthusiastic threats to cook another weird British dish.
To their credit, Asuka and Misato made a heroic effort to dissuade her, but I doubt that either of their culinary skills would have wrought a lesser disaster.
Thus challenged, I braced myself to leave the comfy perimeter of my alluring blanket to follow the call of duty.
We'd have to get ready soon if we wanted to be at headquarters by noon.
Misato hadn't said too much about it, but apparently the folks from the technical division had whipped up yet another training method that they wanted us to try...
My misgivings about this went beyond my usual lack of motivation - I'd had to cancel my music lessons for this, and it wasn't for the first time, either. It was hard to say now just when was the last time that I had seen my old teacher – it might have been even longer for Rei, who sometimes had extra experiments to do. The thought filled me with a sluggish, sinking feeling, somewhat like when you realize there's some amorphous sticky stuff clinging to the bottles in your fridge and you're not even sure what it is but you're certain that it's gross.
I'd been looking forward to that half an hour that had nothing to do with any great foreboding, whether it's the coming war or our looming exam, waiting for the entire bandwith of my mind to be taken up by the need to pay attention to the correct notes... Still, I wondered then if I should just quit the lessons – I probably didn't really need them anymore, I already knew more or less how you play it and I wasn't so talented that it would be a waste for me not to have my own tutor. Heck, between the music club and me and my friend's attempts at a band, I would probably get enough practice anyway, even if I didn't set aside a special time for it. No, even if music club and our fumbling attempts at a band should fall by the wayside as well, it wouldn't really be that great of a loss to the history of music. I'm just a kid having fun, right? It's not like it's my great passion, or like I'm especially good.
It was my mom's idea to begin with; it's just something that I somehow kept doing because nobody ever told me to stop.
Nothing much would be lost if I called it quits. I doubt even my mother would care much at this point… honestly, she might not even notice, it's been very long since she had the time to be involved with what I did outside of GEHIRN. It wouldn't matter to anyone.
Except for me, I guess, but probably not even that much. It was basically the same as it mattering to no one. The one pinch of regret I felt was that I could easily see Rei quitting her music lessons Iif I did so first. She had seemed genuinely interested in exploring it, but for some reason she tended not to prioritize herself very much. An expensive private lesson for her alone would swiftly be rationalized away in the face of her devotion to 'the mission'. On the other hand, I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her to keep going. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her fel weird, as if I knew better than her how she should use her time… with Rei it was sometimes hard to guess what she was thinking, or how she would respond to things, but if it was me, I think I would feel put on the spot. I didn't want her to feel like she had to continue it because I asked her to. Yet despite this, I knew well that I wasn't so selfless that I would continue just to make sure she wouldn't quit. Maybe for a short time I could do it, but before long, it would probably fall by the wayside between all my various commitments – If I'm honest, I don't think I could really bring myself to care. Not if it's just for myself.
...that's kind of pathetic when you put it like this, isn't it? I picked up an instrument because my mom suggested it, and now I was letting it be because my parents told me to do something else. (being a pilot) – In the future, I would probably look back at it and consider the whole music thing to have been wasted time after all, since nothing came of it.
I don't need to tell this to Asuka to know how she would tease me for it. I don't know that she would be wrong. I wouldn't argue against that because I couldn't think of any arguments. I had some assortment of vague, painful somethings pulling at each other in my chest, but I guess I lacked the experience or articulation to put them together into something sensible.
But to keep going at it just to tell myself that it wasn't for naught, that would just be a sunk cost fallacy. It all more or less boils down to the same thing, the very reason why everything in the last few months had happened to begin with: Bluntly, I myself and everything about me was simply unimportant compared to something as collossal as the end of the world.
It wasn't fair. I felt the immediate spreading redness of self-reproach heating up my face the instant that this thoght bubbled through to consciousness, but nonetheless it was unmistakably there.
The truth is that even before I knew just how world-altering my parent's particular work was, I had often resented their absences, how they never seemed to be there for me when I had needed them… well, that wasn't true either. It wasn't always true, not all the time, not in all senses.
Only sometimes, once in a while, here and there. So I could usually banish the thought soon enough, when the feeling had faded and the world was a pleasant idyll again. It was just occasional moments of friction, of misunderstanding, so I could tell myself that they didn't count, that they were just a confusion borne of confused feelings held within a solid love that couldn't be doubted. So I could even forgive myself for that resentment, ruling that it wasn't be just a temporary whim, a passing cloud before the sun – and were it not the people that you loved the most that were most able to frustrate you or trigger your resentment? After all, those are exactly the cases where you are the most willing to be patient and forgive, to be the bigger person even when your heart misgives you.
I suppose there were always enough good times to balance things out, so far, and I realize that my parents couldn't help the fact that the hot phase of the war was drawing nearer, but…
There was still that resentment, burning inside my heart, continious like an olympian flame.
I'm not proud to admit this, but... part of me wanted to quit the music lessons just to see if they would notice or care.
Be that as it may, my heavy musings and inner turmoil were eventually cut short once all members of our makeshift household were sufficiently groomed, fed and dressed.
Misato took her sweet time with her customary morning beer and all sorts of mildly embarassing chit-chat, so I was a little bit worried that we wouldn't make it in time, but in the end, Asuka put down her renowed iron first and personally ensured that we were marshalled out the door, and to the garage.
"Uh, should you be driving so soon after having that beer?"
"Ahh, I just had a little sip, I'm probably way under the legal limit. Don't worry, I have a lot of experience ^-^"
"I'd feel safer if you blew into a breathalyzer…" grumbled Asuka – but she still got in the car.
I guess she cared more about missing the training than the risk potential here.
Misato-san was probably not lying about being under the limit, the laws in this country were pretty strict & even she wouldn't be so stupid as to risk her job or draw attention to the possible PR disaster that was us living with her. GEHIRN doesn't have to seem to worry much about the authorities, but in my time at the organization I'd already come to notice that my father had a reputation for lacking any patience with major blunders.
With another sting of distant resentment that I was trying hard to ignore, I wondered if my parents would be more angry about their precious pilots getting in an accident, or the fact that their own son was involved.
At the time, the bitterness came from no longer being 100% sure that it would be the latter, that there had been room at all for doubt to spring up.
Let's just said that my thoughts have changed a lot since then.
Well, anyway, the entire ride down to heartquarters was exceedingly noisy. I guess it was finally starting to sink in how the addition of Mari was going to tilt the climate in our little household more towards cheerfulness and rambunctious energy.
It's not like that was completely a bad thing, really, under different circumstances, I might have been happy, it was definitely an upgrade from how dark and empty the apartment had been when my parents started spending most their time at headquarters.
I just… didn't feel like being happy in that moment, for very many reasons.
It occurs to me now that the assorted noise coming my direction that day may have been attempts to cheer me up, including the teasing by Mari and Misato that merely annoyed me at the time, or even Asuka's complaints about how she couldn't believe that anyone could be this grouchy so early in the morning on 'such a beautiful day'.
Was it a beautiful day?
I don't much recall. In the scenes that I remember, we're already in the tunnels leading to the geofront.
But even without the sun, my redhaired roommate was not deterred from lecturng me about how this rotten attitude was bound to sour everything else I might get up to. If it was supposed to be som sort of pep talk it was a really clumsy one, but I guess I'd been getting used to the idea that Asuka could be clumsy just like everyone else, at least in some ways…
Who knows, maybe I'm merely free to miss things, or remember them in some idealized light, now that I know that the reality of them can never again prove me wrong. Maybe people can only see happiness where dark spots on the map remain, letting themselves be wallpapered over by an imagination willing to construct glorious realms where such pesky things as facts and experiences can't heckle them with the restrictions they impose.
It's painfully apparent that I would probably never have described these moments as the 'good times' unlike long after they were over. After all I just elaborately described how the changes at the time had felt like a dampening downgrade of my every expectation.
You never seem to notice that you're in the good times while you're having them. It only ever seems to be an illusion of hindsight, a construction of our remebering self after the experiencing self from back then had long faded, or perhaps a foolish ingratitude inchoate in mankind that kept all of us foolish apes from ever realizing what we have while we still have it.
Chances are that if you put me back in that car, it might not take me very long to grow just as annoyed as I was then, and curse myself for the folly of wanting it back, as much as stinging agony of yearning to have it back might now be racking me with torment…
Maybe the voices of Misato, Asuka and Mari wouldn't even sound anything like I remembered then, somehow either more or less alike to the current versions of them.
I might be surprised at how much the memory had faded or warped since then, since I could not help but re-encode it every time I thought of it, like an old book whose worn pages stain and warp every time I touch it with my sweaty, destructive fingers...
In any case, whatever mood I'd been idly floating in was washed away when we entered a greater context, the dynamic between us dilluted by the presence of other people.
We had been lead to the same presentation room where the debriefing of that disatrous training simulation had taken place a while ago – you know, the one that kicked off that awful unison training that I'd been trying hard to erase from my memory.
This time, however, the mood was considerably more chipper.
Much of the technical division was present, surprisingly including even my mother and Ms. Soryu as some of its most high-ranking members, but they were merely watching this enterprise on the sideline with some clipboards, somewhat grinning to each other, certainly, but mostly seeming to be present in their capacity as supervisors – the main instigator of this meeting appared to be the ambitious younger Dr. Akagi, whom we found in the process of setting up a presentation in the front of the room, while several of her direct underlings were busy getting the projector to work. I could spot Lt. Ibuki, Ensigns Oii and Agano, Kaga, Amagi and all the other sets of usual faces, so it followed that whatever they must be presenting had to be the brainchild of the faux blond computer specialist and her team, most of whom looked fairly proud and hopeful to finally be presenting the results of her work.
Dr. Akagi herself mustered a slightly cheeky smile when she briefly greeted us and Misato-san with a wave as we filed into the room – it was one of those moments where you could see that she must genuinely like her job despite her usual cynical attitude and businesslike demeanor.
The presentation must be good news then – or that's what I had thought yet, tentatively perking up a little after the dreary heaviness that had occupied me for much of this moment – though it's importance must be in the 'medium' range of things, since I couldn't spot either my father or Subcommander Fuyutsuki anywhere in the room, or anyone from the operations- or intelligence divisions besides Misato. I suppose mother must be here then because whatever was happening must concern her own division, or maybe she was here on a whim.
Be it what it may, I could use some good news, even small ones…
Who I did see was Kaworu, who must have gotten here early on account on having a somewhat shorter way. When he saw me looking his direction, he leaned slightly across the back of his seat more the front and acknowledged my presence with his usual relaxed smile.
Rei showed up just a little after we did. She too got a greeting from Ritsuko, though a much briefer one in which the good Doctor did not really look up from the files she was searching through on her laptop, presumably looking for her presentation file now that the content on ger screen was sucessfully being projected on the wall acoss from us.
As was her usual wont, Rei then sat down in what appeared to be the emptiest part of the room, with a noticeable distance from all others, much as she often did at school, or just about any time where we had to arrange ourselves in a circle somewhere, or otherwise on a set of chairs.
In the relative dark of the room, the compination of her pale, blue-tinged hair and the light color of her uniform made her stand out like a sort of ghostly outline, especially with the white woolen jacket of our winter uniform draped over her slender shoulders.
It was a sunday, so, the rest of us pilots were in casual clothes.
Beside me, Asuka was in a long-sleeved, fashionable blue and purple dress with little embroiderings near its seam, and long stockings underneath. I myself was in dark khaki pants and a long baggy sweatshirt thick enough for the colder season, in faded yellow, white a broad white stripe across the middle and some nondescript brown sneakers.
Always the elegant one, Kaworu showed up in stylish close-fitting white pants and a loose black shirt worn pullover worn over a pink button up shirt with a flannel-like pattern, its collar poking up at the top as well as the bottom and the tips of the sleeves.
Mari's outfit was quite distinct-looking due her eccentric taste – she'd gone for a long and narrow green pencil shirt with old-fashioned gold button, a light beihe jacket with green striped, and a thick, high-collared red sweater.
I considered how you might conclude quite a lot about each of us judging from these choices of ours – meanwhile, Rei's assigned, mass-produced non-choice told you exactly nothing, and stood out all the more for it. I could not really tell what she was thinking, wherther she was having a good day or a bad one, if she was feeling confident or experimentsl today, or maybe not so much.
I even dared to glance occasionally in my mother's direction, where she was seated some rows further to the back- and therefore uppermost part of the room's cinema-like makeup (for all that it was significantly smaller than any such establishment.), but for once, my festering bitterness was not provided with any hint of triumph or validation when she eagerly grinned and responded with a cheerful little wave, as if she was perfectly excited to show us just what they'd been cooking up this time. The swirl of feelings that this summoned up in my chest was much more twisted and ambiguous than I had ever been used to it being, and once again the gall of my curses folded back onto myself, wishing I could simply just forget and be happy, just be here, right now, without murking up my mind with any questions or implications.
Most everyone about me seemed to be happy, so what was it with this strange discordant inertia of my feelings that couldn't seem to follow? Right there next to my mother, Ms. Soryu also took note of us, and not to be outdone, responded to our presence with the much more exuberant and conspicuous gesture of chipperly waving her entire arm – not far from me, Asuka groaned in embarassment when she saw the gesture, especially when Mari prompty began to imitate it, ("Hi Ms. S!") but deep down insine I think that she must have been cherishing the attention even as the corners of her mouth just barely betrayed them.
I suppose I would have been the one token designated sadsack of this gathering if it hadn't been for Rei and her invariably gloomy silence, but there wasn't much commiseration to be had from her, as she'd sat down far from me and never spoke a word, or otherwise departed from focussing her attention straight ahead in front of her where the mission-critical intel was about to be dispensed. This was typical for her, so, I didn't read it into her or somehow hold it against her, but even so, it made me somehow even lonelier despite this whirlwind of casually chattering voices all around.
Finally, with some relief, I soon saw that we were right about to proceed with the main reason for our coming, as Dr. Akagi was getting ready to hold her talk.
But before it came to that, I heard, to my considerate surprise, that the doors creaked open once again, briefly allowed the brighter light from the corridor to fall into the room as a bright cone, a cone marred, however, by a small sort of shadow.
Since Misato said that we'd be trying some new sort of simulation, I had assumed that, just like last time, this would concern only the already-designated pilots and priority candidates, but to my surprise, the last minute arrival turned out to be non other than Kotone, clad in a cyan blue and grey plasticky winter jacket that grew wider and poofier towards the bottom.
There was no mistaking her round childlike face, her hesitant yet deliberate moments or the trademark pink hair (though I recall that her roots were somewhat beginning to show at the very top of her head at this time. ) - she shuffled down the stairs and made a straightfoward bee line to where my roommates and I were sitting, making a point to greet Misato with a way-too-impassioned salute. Whatever she was here for, she was definitely taking it pretty seriously, though her attempts to present what was clearly a child's idea of professionalism did not help her to hide her awkwardness when Misato's reaction plainly revealed that she probably found the display something like adorably over the top.
"I- ugh-"
Despite a brief moment of dejectedness, the young girl soon found her bearings and turned her attention to us: "Good morning, senpai! Mind if I sit here for today?"
Looking to put her at ease, I gestured for her to take the seat next to mine so that she might get settled and stop worrying herself, but alas, Mari soon straight up asked the very question that I'd been wondering about, but considered too tactless to outright blurt out:
"Hi Junior! Didn't expect to see you here! What brings us to be honored with your presence today?"
At least Mari made the inquiry in a much more jovial way than Asuka probably would have, if she'd been given the chance.
Kotone carefully sat down, straightening out her jacket right after setting down her weight.
"Uh- that's because – uhm- "
I think she must have expected that we would already know.
"I was asked to come, because – because Dr. Akagi told me that we'd need an even number of people-"
Fortunately for Kotone, she would be relieved from the burden of explanation by ways of the Doctor herself – the presentation was starting.
I don't recall every detail of it but what stands out clearly in my memory is this one part of Dr. Akagi's adress. Whatever light-heartedness she may have allowed herself in the off-time was totally gone by the time it came to presenting her ideas, so the speech was delivered with a totally serious voice: "For all the work that we have been putting into these simulations, in the end there is still a chance that whatever we did so far might end up being close to totally useless – we've been basing them on recordings of battles of humans against humans, or between vehicles of war of human origin. What little information we have about the angels is based on long-distance observations of a single specimen."
Indeed, I had often felt that the white-silhouette-esque likenesses of Adam that we usually got to fight had more in common with placeholder dummies than the fearsome ancient creature they were supposed to be aping. One time, Asuka had off-handedly complained that it was like fighting stick-figures drawn by children. (I think Mari's responde wasalong the lines of "Like that one spongebob episode?") I couldn't say that she was wrong.
But given that the total lack of information about our enemy had been explained to me times and time again, so I couldn't picture what they could possibly have done to improve on their previous methods…
Of course, just as I was wondering that, Dr. Akagi cut straight to the chase:
"Out of all the resources which we have at our disposal to right now, the one that can be expected to be most like an actual angel are the EVAs themselves. This means that the best simulation af an angel's capabilities that we currently have are, in fact, our simulations of the EVAs. That is why we've spent the past few weeks working on reconfiguring the simulation protocols to allow us to simulate combat between two EVAs, so that you can, in effect, have mock battles with each other, both one and one and in different teams. We are calling it the Battlefields System."
"We actually had to do redo quite a bit of programming from scatch to allow for this," added Lt. Ibuki, who had apparently made significant contributions on her own. "A lot of the optimizations in the code of the simulation bodies assume only a one-way communication…"
She said this, of course, with a distinct hint of hopeful optimism.
Against all reason, that discordant mood seemed to be the predominant one in the room.
It's as if nobody has so much as heart what had just been said.
In fact, Asuka proudly declared that she couldn't wait to beat all of us in actual sparring matches and that this was just about the first decent thing to come out of this training program, exclaiming that the technicians should have been looking into something like this in the first place instead of wasting tax money on 'children's games'. Her usually sour disposition was nowhere to be found now that our latest endeavour would 'finally have something to do proper combat' – she tried at once to goad a somewhat more reluctant (yet amicable) Kaworu into 'duelling' her, and Mari didn't take very long to get hyped, offering with a playful curtsey that she could 'indulge the princess instead'.
Rei, of course, accepted whatever order was put in front of her, seeing little choice but to go along with the capricious whims of destiny, figuring that it mattered little to the grand scheme of things if she liked what was happening or not.
You'd think at least Kotone would have been frightened or uncomfortable seeing as she was the youngest and had ostensibly been brought here with the intention that one of us would essentially beat her up despite the vast gulf in experience, especially considering that she had barely done any simulator battles at once.
But even though she was clearly nervous and ostensibly did not possess any more exeptional composure than I did, she put me to shame with her determination to (wo)man up and rise to the occasion:
"So, uh, everyone… I know my numbers aren't really anywhere near yours yet, but, uh, Dr. Akagi says its really important for everyone to have a partner, so I'm going to be particiating in this exercise today! Don't worry, Dr. Akagi already had me do a few sessions in preparation for this while you guys were busy with the unison training! So, uh, I'm going to be doing my best not to slow you down and to catch up with all of you as quickly as I can! I'm really, really grateful to have been chosen and I'm sure that I'll be learning tons of stuff from your example.
Most of all, I'm really excited to work with you all!"
That's some textbook work ethic right there.
If she was interviewing for some sort of office job, she would definitely get it – I think she used all of the example phrases they showed us that time we discussed how to write job applications in social studies class.
I was going to protest, really. I was going to point out what, to me, felt obviously and self-evidently true – but no one else seemed to see it. Even then I think I might have gone and said it, just to indulge my selfish little heart… if it wasn't for Kotone.
Here was a total newbie, the very youngest of us, a 12 year old girl with a big round kiddy face, and a high, innocent sounding voice, and she was being brave and steadfast so, how could I possibly chicken out and end up being the problem instead of her?
I'd just look like a total jerk… or at least I would feel like one. I couldn't be the weakest link when everybody else was looking forward to this and believing in this and putting their hope in it…
All of this felt so surreal.
It's like just yesterday, I had just happened to end up stumbling into this crazy unbelievable world without any intention of my own, and now, I'm supposed to be one of the 'experienced ones' in this situation?
I'm no longer even the rookie. I can't afford to be. I can't afford to behave like it. Chances are the adults would no longer indulge me as much either, no matter how nice they might think my score is…
So I pushed myself forward, pushed down my misgivings, tried to turn numb to that uneasy feeling in my gut, and told myself that it was just for training's sake anyway, just a game, like the silly paintball thing just recently…
It's not like we would be fighting each other for real, right? It was just pretend. Kind of like a really immersive computer game. It was just for practice.
Our enemies were going to be completely alien monstrosities, right?
There was nso way that any of us would ever end up fighting another EVA for real, let alone each other, right…?
Now, of course, I'm pretty sure my parents OK'd this idea because they must have known exactly what was going to happen.
I could still feel the sticky blood of my friends all over my hands, its iron scent infused into the roof of my mouth. I could still hear that shrill, grizzled unrecognizeable voice that was still clearly Asuka's (one of my closest, oldest friends, and someone I'd known for so long that she was practically part of my family) telling me to just shut up and die, the raw, real, unmistakable and abject bottomless hatred in her voice…
I wished now that I had refused to participate in that training. I wish they had defated me and walked away with their lives in my stead. I wish they would take turns killing me, one after another, over and over again.
But that would have required me to have the courage to give up on my measly life… and that's something I never had.
I didn't even have the courage to voice my discomfort with that stupid combat training.
So the world continued with myself as a passenger, ever down the path that, if it wasn't fixed to begin with, was at the very least chosen by wills other than mine.
We were soon told to proceed to the plugs. To Mari's vocal dissapointment, she would not get her wish of dueling Asuka right away – it seems that at least for the first session, they had more or less paired us up according to our relative abilities, which meant Kaworu and Asuka, myself and Mari, and lastly Rei and Kotone. That said, we were already told that they would probably have us switch partners so that we would each get used to facing a wide range of different opponents.
It seems the arrangement suited Asuka just fine: "Well, at least with Nagisa as my opponent I'm not gonna have to hold back."
"I'd prefer it if you went easy on me…"
"Ha! It's pretty obvious that you don't need it."
There were no complaints expected from Rei or Kotone, either, though their levels of visible enthusiasm made for a rather stark contrast. Rei seemed at a loss as to how to respond to the younger girl's gushing: "I'm so honered to be training with you today, Rei-senpai! I always thought you were really cool and mature!"
I guess it was better than her being scared, though her willingness to go along with all this kind of gave me a second hand guilty conscience. The worst of it was that she had to be so sincere.
It was almost a relief when I was left with Mari, who kept getting amped up, joking around and flourishing her eccentric speech by peppering in foreign languages, old-timesy military slang or out-of-place cursewords. You could almost pretend that you were in a video game, an RPG or low budget action movie, anything that would have colorful stock characters with quirky speech.
"Hahaha, I can't believe we're finally gonna fight for realsies! Well, not real-realsiest, but you know, almost! So tell me, what's it feel like?"
"...I mostly feel really scared and awkward…" I confessed.
I wasn't surprised that she didn't share this feeling.
I think Mari might just be one of those people who is just a tiny bit of a psychopath. Not enough to be seriously antisocial to a destructive degree, but you know, risk-taking, impulsivity, bundary-pushing, unearned confidence… in moderate doses they can make a pretty good first-responder, firefighter or sniper. It's probably what drives some people to be adrenaline junkies and do things like driving motorcycles, skydiving, bungee jumping, or going cave diving...
Or maybe there was another reason:
"Don't worry, there's a trick for that. You know, the human brain is actually rather stupid, it can easily mix up either low or high levels of excitement whether you see them as good or bad. If you're scared and try to make yourself be calm, it's never going to work, because your body can feel that your heart is pumping, your legs are and your palms are sweaty. So, instead, you've got to tell yourself that you're excited. Really try it. At this point, all the stuff that would have scared you just makes it all the more exciting!"
"Maybe if you can tolerate the feeling in your body… I think I'm pretty sensitive, so, for me the response immediately gets so strong that I just can't take it…"
"Nah, you just gotta let go. It's thinking & worrying about everything so much that has you spinning in circles!"
"You say that as if stopping that is as easy as pushing a button, Mari…"
"It's not, but, if you always avoid everything that gets you worked up, you'll never learn to get used to it. Just let it be what it is and watch as it passes through you. You will still be here after you're done being scared~ It's like with cold water. You just got to slowly get acclimatized…
Anyway, I'm itching to see what you can do!"
She attacked me entirely without warning, just out of the left field, from one moment to the next – she was quick, too, and completely unabashed.
There was never a moment where I consciously had to start the fight – I had no choice but to react. The powerful weight of her simulated EVA pounded rythmically against mine with each crossing of our blades.
On her face was the shark-like grin of a gratified predator.
There was no space for hesitation, not between breaths, not between one thought and the next.
"Yes! More! Show me what you can do!"
…
To say that I got quite the workout would have been an understatement.
The fight was a simulated one, but the exhaustion I felt as I trudged back to the lockers was quite convincing in its resemblance to the real thing.
When I was let go from the simulator, I could see that Kaworu and Asuka had already finished ahead of me and Mari (who soon sped towards the girl's lockers in hopes to catch up with her roommate), but on the control room screens, I could see that Rei and Kotone were still at it – apparently it had taken a significant portion of the first session for our newest fellow trainee to even get the interface to show up, and most of the time slot was not spent actually fighting but rather showing the poor girl how to get her translucent simulated copy of EVA 02 to stop tripping over its own feet.
You'd think that if they had cleared her for participating in this training, she would have been found to be advanced enough to at least start doing so, even if her technique wasn't polished yet… Wouldn't this level of difficulty have been caught in those practice sessions that Ritsuko supposedly made her do? Then again, maybe it was just the demo effect, or some added nervousness from having to perform in front of people whose opinions she very clearly cared about. I'm kind of glad that she got paired with Rei for today, Asuka for example might not have been so patient with Kotone's blunders.
From what overheard, she readily steadied Kotone's EVA every time she flailed, which was pretty often. It seems like they might be stuck here for a good while…
Misato and the white coats were pretty busy trying to give her instructions, so I was pretty much left to slip out of there without much of a debrifing.
Soon, I arrived at the boys' lockers.
I was supposed to get dressed and go hom, but once I let myself sink down on one of the benches, I just didn't want to get up.
I took a deep, deep breath and signed protractedly into the ether.
"Are you alright, Shinji-kun?"
...I didn't realize Kaworu was still here. Actually it was kind of puzzling that he was, seeing as his clothes had already found their way back onto his body – his hair was combed and blow-dried, too. I didn't hear him or sense his presence in any way until he suddenly spoke to me, perhaps having just stepped around a corner somewhere, but there he was, smiling as usual, slightly leaning down to my level, a striking presence that still somehow put you at ease.
He really should have been impossible to overlook – I guess the heaps of various stress sources must really have been getting to me.
That's probably why he was presently expressing some concern.
Great job, me, you'd think being a pushover would at least help you avoid worrying others for no good reason, but here we are. I was only just beginning to realize my profound talent for messing things up. My clumsy attempts to put it right have never done anything but make it worse:
"I'm fine, I'm fine! There's just… a whole lot of things… going on right now."
"If you want to talk about, I'm right here."
Kaworu really had a knack for saying this in such a way that the other person wouldn't feel pressured, or like you were obligated to give a certain answer.
He opened up a space for you in which even the most tightly coiled leaves and ferns and blossoms could unfold… it was so impossible for me to do that I always felt a little like I was witnessing some kind of black magic. I'm aware of concepts and techniques that you can apply, but I'll never have that intuitive feel that lends a genuine, heartfelt warmth to Kaworu's words.
I exhaled markedly.
Of all the things going through my head, I chose to opt for spilling the ones that were the easiest to explain or confess.
"I know it's just a simulation and no one's going to be getting more than a few scrapes at most, but I really hate the idea that we're going to be fighting each other. It's something I don't even want to think about..."
"It is a disconcerting prospect, is it not?"
I looked up at Kaworu to find that a fateful, heavy somberness had taken posession of all his voice and face.
If this was movie, this would definitely have been one of those instants where the music suddenly changed.
"This world has so much beauty in it, and yet, the most tragic flaw in all of it, to me, has always been that nothing can seem to exist without a struggle. Even plants must strive to compete for light."
I was so glad that he could see it too.
Knowing that he, too saw something wrong with what everyone else seemed to be accepting as a given, and knowing that the one who thought so was him – someone so noble, so admirable, so effortless in every way, I felt like I could stand by the feelings of my heart that had been so impossible to drown out, and like I could stand by the me that was feeling them.
If he saw it too, then maybe it wasn't weakness, sentimentality or cowardice that made the status quo stand out to me as wrongness, but rather the stirring of the human heart trapped inside the great efficient machine boxing in its flesh like one of HR Giger's landscaped of tubes flesh and metal parts.
Maybe it was ok for me to feel this way.
Maybe it was ok for me to be a person who would have these kinds of feelings.
"It's just too awful to even think about," I confessed, no longer bothering to conceal my anguish.
"If I agreed to any of this, it's because I wanted to be with my friends and didn't want to leave them to face the dangers alone. The last thing I'd ever want in all the world is to be in a situation where I'm forced to hurt them!"
I saw Kaworu's face contort into a painful grimace, at least for an instant – his gaze, faced me then somber as the grave, suddenly bereft of its usual joy and brightness.
He clasped my hands, intently and in desperation – but whichever urgency had sped his frenzied hands, (long, deliberate pianist fingers), it did not leak through into his voice when he spoke – his tone was solemn, but steady, like one who has accepted the consequences of something whose price paid for something that he wasn't able to refuse:
"I am so, so sorry."
Of course he did.
Out of all of us, he must have known the most of that which was to come, and there would come a day where, at least during some very long hot seconds, I had actually wanted to resent him for knowing it, and still going down the path all the same.
But of course I could never really do it.
Not when he was the one who should really have been blaming me.
If only I had known this then.
My next words, at least, would not have been so inconsiderate:
"It's ok, it's ok, it's not so bad, really! I mean, it was just pretend, right? This 'battlefield system' thing? It's just a workaround to prepare for the real enemy. We wouldn't ever be fighting each other for real, right? Really, it's probably just getting to me 'cause I've had a stressful couple of days.
I know I should have been studying for the exams way before, but I've been procrastinating it, and now it's so late that there'd basically be no point…"
"There is always a point so long as there's still time…" said Kaworu, maybe talking about quite a lot more than just our schoolwork.
"Actually, I was planning to spend the afternoon studying. Why don't you come over to my place so we can do it together? I could give you copies of my notes, too, they might as least help you a bit."
"Really? You would do that?! Won't it distract you from your own studying?"
"I've gotten most of it done already, what I meant to do today was just to look over all my notes one last time. It's absolutely no bother at all, really, I'd be glad to help you. You'd be helping me, as well, actually, since explaining to another actually aids in understanding."
So I texted Misato to let her know that I'd be going to Kaworu's place and wouldn't return to our appartment until the evening.
I didn't even think to notice how quickly he had turned it all back on me, how the conversation was shifted onto my parochial little worries about an education that I would never complete without ever so much as grazing over whatever torment had darkened his own face for those instants.
I remember that he was swiftly back to his usual smile once we were making our way to his room, so perhaps I'd just assumed that it was really the realistic simulations that he was responding to, even though I hadn't known him to be easily fazed.
I think in those days I thought of him enviously as having a higher, finer sort of sensitivity that might well profoundly lament, but seldom ugly cried.
Well. They do say that to put someone on a pedestal is to dehumanize them just as surely as degrading them would be; Of course I couldn't be there for him in any way, completely absorbed as I was in my own silly little worries.
He must have been carrying the weight of the future all alone, on his own back.
(2.4.5: The Pact)December 20th 2014
T minus 376 days
My first order of business at the dawning of this brand new morning was to once-again get yelled at by Asuka:
"You forgot my lunch?!"
"I'm sorry! I was up late studying with Kaworu-kun-"
"So you're telling me that I've got to hungry because of your procrastination?! Just when I need my brainpower most!"
We may have more or less reconciled, but let it not be thought that this in any way diminished her exaggerated zeal for all the things that could be graded, scored or won at.
I guess at least she said it was because of my procrastination instead of outright calling me an idiot…
"I can't believe you're making me go hungry just before out winter term exams!"
I hate to say it, but I'm afraid she did have a point. Her agitation was not alltogether undeserved.
I might as well admit it now, it's not like this incident is going to make it into the top one-hundred list of reasons why she hates me for ruining her life.
But maybe the little things were what made the bigger things thing even harder, like a mocking little cherry on top.
I wonder if that's how she thinks to herself nowdays: 'Just to top it off, just to sour every damn last thing for me, he had to forget to make my lunch on the day just before my exams'.
Sometimes I'm tempted to picture her sitting on a campfire alongside Misato and the entire WILLE crew, going 'and he forgot my lunch, too!', to which all the others nod or mumble in assent, before proceeding to discuss how I had burned their crops, poisoned their wells and brought a plague onto their houses, until I've become nothing but a noxious carricature to them, a lazy sketch of a cartoon devil that lives only to set off impact events and steal candy from unsuspecting babies.
For a supposed supervillain though, I am not especially bright. I don't have what it takes to be a diabolical mastermind nor a great mind of any other alignment;
The exams went just about as you might suspect, which should be not very good.
There's no way that a single last-minute cramming session could replace what ought to have been weeks of studying.
That said, if it hadn't been for the clear structures of Kaworu's notes, I wouldn't have had the slightest clue what half of the questions were even talking about.
If I narrowly managed to scrape through with a passing grade, it would be no exaggeration to say that his help would deserve most the credit.
You might be wondering now what everyone else in my class did on this day, or how they fared during the various exams. I couldn't tell you. I wasn't really paying attention.
My entire world had condensed into the space between my pen, my fingers, and the small beads of sweat that were steadily accumulating between them.
And that's where the whole of my attention remained, until the last bell rang.
I cursed the sound right until the teacher walked by my desk to collect my worksheet.
Then, when it was finally over, I was gratefully relieved.
At least it was out of my hands now.
At least whatever responsibility must be taken for the results now lay squarely at the feet of past me.
I had the impulse to let out a loud deep exhale, but I did not wish to bother the others around me.
So I quietly gathered by things and disappared from the room.
The hallway was still filled with a sizeable portion of those who had finished early and were perhaps waiting for their friends – I was certain that I spotted Marie Vincennes standing next to the clothes hangers, looking predictably pleased with herself, but that was probably due to her distinctive blond hair. I was still kind of out of it. The residual load of stress hormones made everything in my surroundings looks unusually sharp and real, almost foreign when compared to the version of it I was wont to casually walk past. It almost felt like a throwback to seeing this school the first tim, before I had settled into any routine, looking at it as some brand new place of novel possibilities and the people inside it mostly as yet-to-be tractable enigmas.
Of course, that would have been before Kaworu transferred in.
He came right up to me and proposed that we get some fresh air.
I wouldn't have had the energy to do anything but nod and come along, even if I had wanted to do anything else. I feel a little bad for not waiting and checking up any of the others, but I rather craved the quiet, and the chance to power down from this agitated state.
Somehow Kaworu always seemed to know what to do or say. This was shown all the more when he didn't bring up the exams, though they were the obvious and most presently relevant thing to discuss. He didn't speak much at all at first; He was simply content to let me follow him to the roof, stand not far from me as we looked over the landscape past the railing, and let the cool air do its thing while my heartbeat gratually slowed down to its usual rate.
It's been a while since I'd come here – I could really see this from the bareness of the trees that had not so recently been covered in the fiery colors of autumn leaves. Now it was well and truly winter. I can only guess that Nene and the others must have moved their tea parties somewhere indoors. I couldn't say for sure cause it had been a while since I could attend one.
I felt a little bad for that, too, since she'd been so happy when I showed up, but then again, I was mostly doing her a favor because I wanted to help her find some friends. Nowadays that the gatherings were attended by many other regulars to the point that there was sometimes a queue in front of the nearest ladies room as the visitors changed into their dedicated outfits.
On one of the last times I was able to come, Mari had shown up in full steampunk Lolita Fashion gear to the point where I'd been left wondering how she managed to stash so many frills into her school bag. Kotone had cosplayed someone from a popular webcomic, complete with a headband with animal ears since the character is some kind of cutesy bear.
It's not really the kind of stuff I'd be familiar with and I probably looked out of place in just my regular uniform. There's hardly ever any boys aside from a few that have an explicit interest in fashion or aesthetics, neither of which was really my area.
I think my eventual absence from the tea parties was more or less expected.
That's rather a lot like my music classes, all things considered.
But of course. I'm just some stupid kid. Everything I do is by definition unimportant. The real anomaly is that I'm doing anything important at all – there are usually good reasons why they don't trust boys with the jobs of men. I'm only being considered as an Eva pilot because the grownups have no other choice…
Which made it all the more baffling to me how someone like Kaworu could show such genuine interest in me and my life, even all the things which had nothing at all to do with Evangelions.
I think my gloomy thoughts must have shown on my face, because it was right about then that he semed to have decided that he was done airing me out and decided to talk to me, maybe trying to distract me from whatever was ruining my day.
He pulled out his phone and showed me some interesting videos he had found, featuring a duo of guys playing the cello, with the twist that only one was playing the classical version while the other accompanied him with a newfangled electric take on the instrument.
The pair was truly striking in their skill and evidently put a lot of passion into rendering and reinterpreting both some of the classics and all manner of popular modern songs, as well as the odd TV show score.
We both spent a good while taking turns getting starry-eyed over their truly mind-blowing rendition of 'Smells like Teen spirit' and despite my rotten day, I felt some deep gratitude in the deepness of my bosom for all the beautiful things in the world, particularly the transcendent bliss of music and the unlikely gift of Kaworu's friendship.
We'd been standing outside long enough now that the cold was no longer so much refreshing as properly biting, and we closely approached the longest the night of the year, the overcast sky was already beginning to founder and sink into darkness in the early afternoon.
A distinct melancholy was in the air, as if for the bittersweet sting of beauty to stand out all the more clearly against its darkling backdrop.
Maybe that's what Kaworu was trying to chase away when he suddenly changed the subject, perhaps wishing to shine a light on the importance of other things besides school, to get me to talk of something that would elicit fonder tones.
But his plan seemed to have been set under an inauspicious star:
"By the way, Shinji-kun, how has your writing been going?"
My… writing.
Those handful of scribbled attempts in a repurposed school notebook, presently stashed away and forgotten in I'm not really sure which drawer.
I hadn't even thought of it in weeks. It had already gone the way that it seems most of my other non-EVA pursuits had already been heading, having grown too scattered and infrequent to be really called a hobby, until it had probably become, let's face it, some long-buried attempt that had fallen by the wayside – something which I would probably remember as some phase back from when I was 12, if at all. Maybe years from now I'd find the nootbook and struggle to remember what it even was. Maybe Kaworu would still know, or maybe no one at all would and it would remain forever buried in some dim pocket of spacetime.
"Ah, about that… acually, I haven't really gotten around to that lately, too much training…"
"I suppose it's a good thing then that the winter break is right around the corner."
"...maybe. But the thing is… when I've had the chance to get it out and look at it, I just notice all the things that are wrong with it. It's like I'd have to completely rewrite it from scratch if I wanted it to be decent… but then that just takes even more time that I don't have…"
"It's completely normal to have the occasional off period in your creative journey. You would not expect a field to yield a full harvest every season, either. If the discernment with which you appraise your work is getting sharper, that itself is proof that your skills have been growing – and as long as you don't get discouraged, they are sure to continue to grow. I'm already looking forward to seeing the results, but I don't mind being patient just a little longer."
Of course he would have to say something like this.
It was spoken with the purest goodwill, and yet it only filled me with shame for having caused him to have expectations that would probably never be fulfilled… unless you wish to count these memoirs as some 'writing', but of course, he is the one person who can never read it.
Not anymore. My foolish actions have made very sure of that...
"...until then, I am glad that you at least always find the time to practice your music."
I feel like a knife was being twisted – surely not by Kaworu, but certainly by something.
"Actually, I've been thinking of quitting."
I don't think I'd fully decided that then. Maybe I wanted to find out if there was someway I could make him stop it with that undeserved attention and goodwill, to confirm my belief that my actions did not matter so that I could let them be without guilt.
Or it might have been the hope for the opposite speaking, after all, I could have simply quit without really telling any soul. Maybe I wanted very badly to be convinced of the opposite.
Or maybe this is all rationalization and I'm no longer even sure that I even really knew what I wanted, if I ever did at all.
What I got was not at all rebuke or rejection, but there was a serious look on alarm on Kaworu's face, more than even what you'd expect from the grand importance that he placed on musical pursuits.
Still he kept his true thoughts to himself, doing his best to be consederate without intruding on my personal decisions: "I mean no disrespect to your decision, it is your choice after all, but might I ask if there is a particular reason for that?"
"No reason, really. It's just that I've been thinking that I don't really have much of a reason to keep going either – and now that the people at GEHIRN are making us do more and more training, we're probably not going to have a lot of time for hobbies anymore, especially when we still have to go to school at the same time.
I guess I'm probably just reaching the point where it's starting to sink in that we're going to have to make sacrifices, I guess. There's no way all this thing with the EVAs was going to end up just being like a normal summer job… There's only 24 hours in a day, so I should really have expected that I couldn't just keep doing everything like before like nothing changed. We just spent an entire week doing nothing but training, and the real fight hasn't even started yet.
So it's only natural that I couldn't be wasting time with something like Cello lessons or trying to write. What am I even doing here, going to have time to go to club activities after school when I'm hardly even having enough time to study between all the training sessions? Why'd I ever think that I can afford to be playing in a band or going to tea parties? I'll be lucky if I even manage to spend any time with anyone from outside GEHIRN… I keep having to cancel on Mana so often that I feel like I'm just wasting her time at this point. She's got her boyfriend that other guy friend of hers from her elementary school, so it's not like she's going to be strapped for company…"
I didn't even bring up my hopes of finding a girlfriend of that silly 'pact' I'd made with Asuka. It felt too ridiculous to say out loud. I can always get a girlfriend later in college once we can say for sure that I'll live long enough to get there, it's not like I'm in any kind of hurry, and even if I was, I'm hardly much of a catch. Asuka probably won't find a date in time for the winter ball either, and even if she did, it would probably just be some unlucky admirer of hers whose confession she accepted just so she could say that she had won her little bet. Her dance partner is probably getting dumped the week after. Even if she isn't consciously planning on it, she'd get bored soon enough when he inevitably turns out to be a humble mortal rather than superman.
Who cares about the Winter Ball, anyway? In a few years from now, I bet I won't even remember it it. It would just be drowned out by the war and its littany of things I could not even imagine now.
"...after all, this is all way bigger than just me. The entire world is in danger, right? So I can't afford to be spending my time with unimportant things that don't add or contribute to anything. It's time for me to grow up and put childish thing away. I'm not good at it like you are, so, there's not really any point for me to be doing this-"
"Shinji-kun. The EVA series is an existence that devours human souls."
Kaworu was dead serious.
I couldn't even tell if he was speaking metaphorically not not.
"Eva is born from Adam, a being that is most repulsive to man – even the string of mankind's hope is spun from your sorrow. Yet perhaps, in these desperate days of wrath, man has few other choices but to make a pact with the demon known as EVA.
At the very least, I have no right to choose, since I too have agreed to some alliances of convenience in order to pursue my own purpose. I'm a pilot as well, after all.
But just as the moon has no light but that of the sun, the being known as EVA has no soul of its own.
In order for it to move or fulfill its end of the bargain, it must be imbued with a soul, and thus the sacrifice needed to pay for its aid is that of a human being who would be willing to sell their soul, like in the story of one Doctor Faustus – someone who has something to gain from a pact, like some deep wish that wasn't meant to be granted.
Have you not wondered just what it is that marks a person as a suitable candidate?"
"Mom, Dad and Ritsuko-san said that it had something to do with genetic markers or something… Asuka called it a rare spcial talent, like ESP… and we have to be younger than 16 because grow up's brains aren't flexible enough anymore to adjust to being pilots."
"That may be, but those would be the very basic conditions that are satisfied by everyone in our class. That is not what makes you or Soryu-san different from the others. Haven't you consider what makes you different? Why it is that you perform higher than others?"
In a sense, it's basic physics: The most energy can be unleashed where you have a steep potential and a barrier that stands in its way, allowing the force to build up. It's the same principle that drives a capacitator, or the neurons in the human brain.
Capacitators and Neurons work with electric energy; EVA, however, is driven by the force of the soul. In particular, those headsets they give us are connected to the A10 nerve which plays an important role in human bonding – that is the most logical choice, since the drive to bond and connct with one another is one of the strongest forces inside the human psyche, sometimes even stronger than their desire to survive. The survival drive, and in a broader sense, the drive to self-protect and remain intact as a self-directed individual acts as the counterweight, that which keeps the self from just pouring out and merging. It provides the barrier.
This is why all else being equal, those most suited to be EVA pilots are people who feel torn between a strong wish to connect with others on the one hand, and a tendency to separate themselves from others on the other. He who cannot realize his longing to be one with other humans may be tempted to open his heart to EVA instead, and in turn, allow EVA to eat away at his very being….
That is the difference between our group and people such as our other classmates. Aida, Suzuhara, Vincennes, Suzuhara and Horaki-san all have their strong wishes and things they may not show to others, but all in all they also find at least moderate amounts of fullfillment in their hobbies, pursuits or familial relationships. As it were, there is less of a built-up psychic voltage across the barrier that separates them from others.
You, however, deeply long for the approval of others, even though you are also timid and apprehensive about hurting others and thus reluctant to approach them sometimes. Soryu-san has a strong drive to set herself apart from others and maintain her individuality, but at the same time, she longs deeply for recognition, attention and acknowledgement.
Mari-san genuinely likes other people and holds a great degree of good will towards them, but she also stands apart because of her independence and eccentric personality. Ayanami is an island onto herself, but so much so that her desire or need for bonding with others is rather lower than average – this is why she doesn't open to EVA as much as yourself, yet at the same time, this desire is not zero, or else she would not be a pilot. She may not be the sort of person to entertain many wants or desires, but that does not mean that she does not have them deep down."
"That's awful! Are you saying that the more lonely and unhappy someone is, the better they are as a pilot?!"
"Not exactly. If someone's will or desires were entirely extinguished, the energy differential needed to power the EVA would plummet. What it takes is a delicate balance between hope and despair. Something like an impossible longing."
"Does that mean that you have an impossible longing as well, Kaworu kun?"
The sensible chuckle that followed was not entirely bitter.
"My own case is a little bit unusual. For once thing, I am something of a hopelessly romantic idealist. My heart is full of impossible longings, and the most deeply held one might just be the most impossible of all…
But what's important for you to understand is that the desire you wish to grant need not be something that is actually possible to attain, not even with EVA. It's so so much being conned by a devil as being deceived by the mirage of your own heart. At the same time, it doesn't really have to be impossible either, or something you can't gain on your own. It's enough if the pilot thinks that they can't gain it on their own. They need not even think it, actually, just feeling it is enough.
So, since it can't give you things that are impossible, and some of what it can give you can be gained on your own, it's not worth letting it consume the entirety of your heart."
"Is EVA really that dangerous?"
"Many things are dangerous. A car is dangerous. Medication that can be used to save a life is dangerous. Knowledge that can be used to impove human lived can be turned to dangerous uses.
But it is like with an intoxicating substance.
If you use it in moderation, it can be used to enhance moments of celebration, it can be a source of creativity and even spark healing and insight, or at least it can help you take the edge off of some stress or borrow some courage when it is hard to do so on your own.
But since it can seem to offer a tempting comfort, there is some self-knowledge required to use it safely. If someone became dependent on that same substance – if he cannot socialize without a drink in his hand, or clean his appartment without amphetamines, or relax without smoking pot – then he is going to have a problem indeed.
His work, his relationship, his finances, even his very life and health could be thrown into dissarayand swallowed up. Rather than wielding an useful tool, what should be a tool to be masterd would have mastery of you.
In a sense, this isn't unique to EVA. It's the nature of all human tools. It has been said of anything from fire to computers that they make excellent servants but terrible masters…
I don't mean any offense, but, when you look at Soryu and Ayanami, or even your parents and the technicians that work on the project, don't you think that they seem a little bit too obsessed with it?
Did the thought ever cross your mind that Soryu and Ayanami are pinning a great deal of their sense of self on their position as pilots, as if little else in their life were important, or even significant? They are both very different people, so they have different ways of showing it, but for both of them, EVA seems to have taken up a significant part of their lives, if not their selves. I suppose it is somewhat natural when they have been involved with the project since childhood. When you take that into account, you might even begin to appreciate that they have actually withstood the ravage of EVA for many years – for all that it kept whittling away at them, they are both very singular, closed-up beings and they possess a will of formidable strength.
Mari-san is the one that I'm the least concerned about. Of all of us, her situation is probably the most similar to my own – she became a pilot in service of a greater purpose of her own, and so she will continue to consider herself a pilot for exactly as long as pilots are needed, and after that, she will go back to learning languages, reading books, watching the birds and doing extreme sports. After her experiences as a pilot, I don't suppose that those science fiction books she plans to write shall ever be wanting for inspiration.
You, however, are now close to the very beginning of your journey. You have not even touched a real EVA.
If you are already beginning to cast off parts of yourself in order to offer them on its altar… well, I think you understand now while this is concerning to me.
The balance of repulsion and attraction that lets someone function as a pilot can be vulnerable to disruptions….
I think that Dr. Ikari's intention with the Pilot Raising Project was to fill up your souls with new distinct experiences so that you could better withstand EVA's draining influence and thus make it through the war with less of a cost, but what she might not have considered is that we are still doing these activities in the service of our roles as pilots. Despite her best intentions, it's not truly separate enough from EVA to effectively inoculate you against feeding it too much of yourselves."
I've long since given up trying to understand what her intentions were, but in the end I feel like the effect of it was just to fatten us up to be more tasty snacks for her demonic golems.
"With someone like Soryu-san who has a profound desire to assert herself, I think her drive to be separate is probably going to prove stronger in the end. So I think that in the end, the beast known as EVA might just spit out what remains of her once she's been completely sucked dry.
Ayanami's numbers have always been stable – neither too closed off nor too open. Neither strong desire nor dissapointment. So I could see her suffering continuing to perpetuate itself for a long, long time. Though one wonders if such an existence could be called living it is stripped of everything that could give it meaning. So long as she believes that she doesn't have anything left but EVA, she's not likely to care about what she may have to relinquish in its service.
But you, Shinji-kun, as a person who strongly desires fusion with the object, a person who wants union so badly that you would silence parts of yourself to be accepted, with a heart that is fragile like glass…
There's a chance that you might be completely and utterly devoured, just as if you had never existed."
I felt myself swallowing hard.
I don't think it matters very much whether or not he is speaking metaphorically.
"So please, Shinji-kun.
Do you recall that conversation we had beore you became a pilot, where I asked you if your current life is precious to you? You told me that it was. Please remember that.
Try your best to hold onto your heart and avoid losing your 'self' to EVA.
Never forget that there is also a part of you that isn't an EVA pilot.
A human soul is something far too precious to carelessly cast aside, believe me.
If it gets hard to do it for yourself, do it for me.
If it gets hard to do it for others, do it out of spite if you must.
You may attempt tp use EVA to attain what you wish for, but don't become dependent on it. Don't let the devil by the name of EVA take possession of you."
"But I have to fight! I have to stop the enemy. I have to do it 'cause my parents want me to. I have to do it, for everyone. I musn't run away. I'm going to fight, and I'm probably going to suffer, so how can I not let it affect me? If it changes how everybody treats m, how can it not become part of who I am?"
"Having it be a part of who you are is not the problem – that is natural for any experience or connection you make. It is like when you have a lover, or a career, or learning a new skill… every new experience and connection adds to you and helps you discover yourself and expand who you are, but it shouldn't become all that you are to the point that you can't live without it.
Did you know that many therapists tell stories of clients who are miserably unhappy, and then when they talk about their lives, it turns out to be because they got rid of everything that brought them joy? Hobbies discarded in the name of putting away childish things… passions discontinued because they were not deemed productive. Relationships can be a great source of maning and fullfillment, as can great works or missions in the service of others – but to be whole, a person is still always going to need a little something that is just for oneself."
Sometimes everything about Kaworu makes me so jealous that I get just a little angry, but he is so good to me that I can only be angry at myself.
His very existence seems as effortless as the flight of bright wings, while I look next to him like some kind of a clumsy seagull.
"...is that why you play music? To keep yourself grounded despite being a pilot?"
"No," he fondly shook his head, "I do it because it brings me joy. What I've been trying to explain all along is that it wouldn't be any good if it was done for anything other than its own sake.
I play music because it is something that brings me joy right now, in and of itself, even if there was no future – even in the knowledge that my impossible longing can never be granted.
So please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't say that it's pointless or that it didn't matter.
You are of course free to give it up if that is what is right for you right now, but I will always remember it fondly – it's what brought us together as friends, after all."
We continued to share a good few moments in the sinking sun after that. We put on some more videos of the two Cello guys. The instrumntalists continued to kick just as much ass in the new videos as in the last few ones.
Honestly, I really do like playing music, even if I first started because of my parents. I don't know what got into me to seriously consider quitting.
'A true friend is someone who knows the music of your heart and sings it to you when you've forgotten it', as they say.
That's from a graffiti that I found written on the back of a bench on the yard of my elementary school, but it's still the truth.
We were briefly discussing which video to put on next when we heard an unexpected sound.
The creaking of the door.
Light footsteps.
Rei's voice.
"It's been half an hour, and there is still nobody in the music club room."
"Oh yeah, it's falling through this week because of the exams. I guess the teachers don't want us to get distracted from studying…"
I guess Rei didn't hear about it – she still sometimes tends to miss organisatory things because she doesn't talk to people as much. It hadn't even occurred to me to text her cause I thought it's was pretty obvious that clubs would be cancelled during the last week. I suppose obviousness is one of those things that are in the eye of the beholder, though, cause it was definitely all news to Rei. Her reaction was too unfiltered to be anything but fresh:
"That's a little unfortunate. I had been hoping to be able to attend after being previously unable due to our training." she said, sounding just the slightest bit downcast.
I think her head was actually drooping forward just a bit. I could've been imagining it though.
"It's going to start back up after the break… Unless you're going to tell me that I should focus more on piloting, hehe…"
All things considered I was still a little bit self-conscious… embarassing as it may be to admit that a little part of of me was still hungry for some sympathy or validation after Kaworu had practically showered me in as much of the stuff as one could feasibly want.
This was probably exactly why the EVA was totally gonna eat my soul or whatever.
"Why would I do that?"
My inner masochist may have been hoping that at least Rei would burst the bubble of what felt too good to be true, and tell me that I ought to be focussing on the mission or something to that effect. "Aren't you always saying how piloting is more important and that there isn't any point in doing unecessary things?"
Instead, she said something that still had me convinced that she was probably the wisest of us all along: "It's giving up your happiness for the sake of EVA that would be pointless. EVA is merely mirror of your heart. The same happiness can be found outside of it, without depending on it."
Straightforward and to the point as always… which doesn't mean that she was without her own blindspots, however:
"It is simply that my case is different. I have no choice to pilot EVA. I am bound to it.
For me, it is the only way to come into contact with others. I exist in order to pilot, so it must come first for me, but there is no reason for you to do the same. I've told you before. If you don't want to do it, you can just leave. But even if you don't, I would wish for you to find the happiness that exists outside of EVA, even if it isn't possible for me."
"Who says that it's not possible for you?!"
I might have spoken a bit louder than strictly necessary, but I wasn't going to lose my momentum now – if I let that happen, my train of thought was only going to desintegrate into 'uhms' and 'ah's.
"I mean, you've been participating in club activities just like everyone else. Even if you're stuck piloting for now, there's no reason that you can't find happiness outside it, too. I mean, even Asuka has some things outside of Eva, and you know how dedicated she is.
Why couldn't you? Do you remember what I told you, about our promise that one day we were going to find something…? Actually, scrap that, because I'm not just going to make empty promises that I don't know if I can keep.
I've decided. From now on, I'm going to make an effort to make sure that I don't stop having a life outside of the program. We can do it together..."
I don't think I really believed that, in this moment. I still couldn't picture myself in the future. But if I couldn't be strong for myself, I guess I would have to try being strong for her, just until we could both see the horizon.
"It's true that we know nothing about the future, and that there's no guarantee that tomorrow will ever come, but at least right now, there's nothing that can stop us from finding happiness in the present."
Her response was quiet and soft, but also tender:
"I… I see. Thank you, Ikari-kun. I am looking forward to the next term as well."
Behind us, Kaworu was still leaning on the reiling, smiling approvingly in our direction.
I began to entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe, her suffering wouldn't be all that eternal after all.
(The only reason I could entertain such hubris is that I still knew absolutely nothing…
Not even just how soon my ignorance would be cut short.)