Jermaine Deon Carter

September 6, 2024

One Last Goodbye

I started struggling with suicidal thoughts in seventh grade. This was mostly because of the bullying I endured. I didn't have a plan for how to take my life. I merely went around saying I needed or wanted to kill myself and asked my friends and classmates if they'd miss me when I died. Several people, including my counselors and parents, thought I was just trying to get attention. I continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts for the rest of middle school and all throughout high school.

By the time I moved to Metropolis High, I had a concrete plan for killing myself- cutting and stabbing myself to death with one of the large knives from my family's kitchen. One weekend, my parents went away to spend some quality time with each other, leaving me alone. I decided this would be the time for me to kill myself. That evening, I went to the kitchen, retrieved one of the knives, and returned to my room. I wanted to say goodbye to my friends before killing myself. I chose to text them.

"Hey, Babs. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Babs.

"Aww…," she replied.

"Hey, Kara. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Kara.

"Thanks, man," she replied. The text was accompanied by a thumbs-up.

"Hey, Diana. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Diana.

"Thank you for being my friend, as well," she replied.

"Hey, Jessica. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Jessica.

"Thank you! I love you, too!" she replied.

"Hey, Zee. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Zee.

"Love you, too," she replied. The text was accompanied by an emoji blowing a kiss.

"Hey, Karen. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Karen.

"Hey, Jermaine! Thanks for being my friend, too! How are you doing?" she replied.

"I'm not doing too good. That's why I'm texting you and all my other friends. I'm saying my goodbyes," I replied.

"Goodbyes? Where are you going?" she replied.

"I plan on taking my life tonight," I replied.

"Jermaine! No! Please, please, please don't do that. Do you need to talk to someone? Have you called the suicide hotline?" she replied.

"Talking won't help," I replied.

"Jermaine, will you be okay long enough for me to make some phone calls?" she replied.

"Yes," I replied.

"Good," she replied.

She called the other girls and told them about my suicide plan. While she did that, I had one more friend to text.

"Hey, Helen. I just wanted to say thanks for being my friend and that I love you," I texted to Helen.

"Thanks, Jermaine. Much love to you!" Helen replied.

After that, my phone rang. It was Babs. I hesitated for a few seconds before answering.

"Hey, Babs," I said.

"Hey, Jermaine," she said. "Are you okay?" she asked. "Karen just told me you wanted to kill yourself," she said.

"I do," I said.

"Why?!" she asked.

"Because I'm a bad person who deserves to be killed," I said.

"Jermaine, you are not a bad person! You're a good, sweet person who's always kind!" she said through tears.

"I'm sorry, Babs. I didn't mean to make you cry. I didn't mean to make you mad, either," I said.

"I'm not mad at you, Jermaine. I'm just worried about you. We all are," she said.

"I appreciate you being worried about me," I said.

"We're coming to check on you," she said.

She hung up. About twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang. It was Babs and the rest of the girls. Babs bear hugged me. I let them in and led them to my room. They noticed the knife and got scared.

"Is that the knife you were gonna use to kill yourself?" Kara asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Jermaine, how long have you been struggling with these thoughts?" Jessica asked.

"Since seventh grade," I said.

"Do your parents know?" Diana asked.

"Yes, but they think I'm only trying to get attention," I said.

"I'm sorry they think that," Zee said.

"Have you been seeing a counselor?" Karen asked.

"Not since eighth grade, but my counselors thought I was just trying to get attention too," I said.

"I'm sorry no one's been taking your pain seriously," Babs said.

"So am I," I said.

"Is there anything we can do for you?" Karen asked.

"Just the fact that you all came to check on me is enough," I said.

"Jermaine, we all love and respect you so much. We don't want anything bad to happen to you," Jessica said.

"Please don't kill yourself," Diana said.

"We'd miss you too much," Zee said.

"Yeah. You're an awesome person, Jermaine," Kara said.

"You deserve to live," Babs said.

"We need you to live," Karen said.

I cried. After wiping away my tears, I picked up the knife and returned it to the kitchen. Happy that I was no longer going to kill myself, the girls embraced me in a group hug.